Birthday Grief for My 2nd Girl’s Begun…

Here Without You


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 I couldn’t decide what song to put because I found quite a few, but I decided to put this one for now.

I don’t know why, but my emotions have started going haywire just since the other day when I realized it was only  3 weeks until my 2nd girl will be 2.

I’ve had a really bad day with it and my emotions and all today too.  Figures that I would have a hard day today since it was a crappy Monday :p.

I’ve been crying on and off all day today and then a while ago I sat on my floor and heard one of the songs come on that gets to me and lost it sobbing on the floor for an hour or so.  I hate it and it hurts so much every time.

I don’t know how I survive sometimes and Cory has no idea that this is going on with me because I kept to myself today.  Well and as you know some of you also do this as well, but I tend to want to withdraw and hide under the covers so to speak until it’s all over and her birthday has come and gone.

It’s all I can do sometimes to make myself get up, go through the motions and go to school etc. when I hurt like I do around each of my girls birthdays. 

Now that I have a boyfriend, it’s a whole new ball game with the emotions too.  I mean he told me I could tell him and all, but I hide it or keep to myself because I’m afraid to expose that part of me to him sometimes. 

I don’t know, it’s like today on and off he’s been texting me and tried to call me once or twice and I haven’t answered the phone or been very upbeat with my texting conversations with him today.  I’ve felt torn and gone back and forth between wanting to tell him what’s going on with me today and all and not wanting to tell him.

I’ve sat and cried on my floor wishing I could have been with him and that he could have held me in his arms.  Then the next minute while I’m crying I’ve wished I could be back home with my parents and then the next minute while I’ve been crying I’ve wanted to curl up in a ball and just hide until all this pain and heartache goes away that I always feel each time one of their birthdays comes.

I don’t know, I’ve just been having a rough time with my emotions and everything today.  I’ve just been having a hard time wanting to go to Cory with this, but holding back still.

*sighs*  I hate this sometimes.  I really do, ya know.  I just wish I could have a break from it all and stop feeling for a while because it gets so painful sometimes, I mean ya know.

Hopefully, tomorrow won’t be as crappy for me :(.


And On It Goes…

Lol, we’re both so alike, he and I, we keep dropping hints to each other about loving each other, but neither of us will say it straight out yet.

Like last night, he was dropping hints and then tonight/last night I dropped hints.  Well and he keeps saying things that tell you he’s planning for this – us – to be long term.

I mean like the other night we were sitting and talking in the car and I said if we had a sun roof then we could look at the stars without freezing outside.  Then he says to me, well, we will just have to wait and look at the stars together in the summer when it’s warm out again.  I’m like okay then and then tonight/last night he was all so you’re going to have to get over being self-conscious about being in a swimsuit because you’re going to come out to the lake with me sometimes in the summer.

So I said what do you mean I’m going to go out to the lake with you sometime in the summer and he’s all well you’ll probably want to come out to the lake and on the boat with me sometimes.  I was like okay then and he was referring to going to like Lake Powell or something like that with him and his friends or family and so forth during the summer.  

I told him I’d go to the lake and on the boat with him all he wanted just as long as he doesn’t push me in the water lol.  Well and I also told him that I might go to the lake and stuff with him sometimes and just lay on the beach in my swimsuit to tan or burn lol and not go out on the boat all the time.  He was like that’s fine and he told me I’m going to have to go with him to meet his friends one of these times when we’re on break or something and that when I meet some of his friends, we’ll probably end up going swimming at one of his friend’s houses that has a pool so he was telling me I’d have to deal with wearing my swimsuit then too :p.

Anyway, he keeps talking about what we’re going to do and stuff like that on the upcoming breaks from school.  Then he also keeps talking about what we’re going to do in the summer this next year and he was mentioning the other day too that he and I will make it through this season together not getting sick and I said or getting sick and he said yeah but so we’ll make it through this season. 

Well, so it’s still going on and on, getting more and more interesting with him and everything :p.

I’m so in trouble now!!!

Oh, this is bad…I’m freakin out even more now…it’s just that okay when I say this is bad, I mean this is really good, but I say bad cause I’m kind of scared and nervous about it all on and off after all that I’ve been through in the past, ya know.

Anyway, when we hung out earlier tonight/last night, (Friday night), first of all I had fun and loved it and loved being with him again as always.  But then this one time we were hanging out with his roommates/friends on this group date and they asked if we wanted or needed a knife to eat with at dinner, which we didn’t, but anyway I was joking around so I said yeah I want a knife so I can do a mini sword fight or something with it with Cory.  Then Cory says but you wouldn’t want to hurt me and I said why not and he looks at me and says because you love me and I was a little taken aback by him saying that for a second and then I was like how do you know if I love you or not.  Then he was like I know you and just smiles knowingly at me and I’m like ha ha and change the subject.

Well, later on we’re driving in the car following his friends to wherever we’re suppose to be going and his watch was doing this annoying beeping thing.  So, I told his watch to be quiet lol and then Cory all says in response to my telling his watch to be quiet, “Yeah, I love you too” (he said in a way that wasn’t really serious, ya know, don’t know how to describe how he said it) and I was like I was telling your watch that not you. 

So, at the end of the date, we were sitting and talking in the car for a while before we went our separate ways as always.  I was watching him, he was watching me and then he was stroking my cheek and my hair and just looking at me with this really intense look and I couldn’t handle it so I had to look away.  Then I was sitting there in one of these intense moments when we were gazing at each other and I just looked at him and thought to myself, “I love him”, Oh my gosh, I love him.

When I thought to myself that I love him I felt like I was going to explode.  My heart felt like it was going to burst and I don’t know how to explain it, but I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.  I didn’t even feel this way about my ex-husband either.

I haven’t said this out loud or anything, of course, because I’m waiting to see if he says something or not because I don’t know if I want to say it yet or first so I’m just waiting to see.

And it all continues on… 

Guess What…

…chicken butt, ha ha :D.  Okay so I was thinking of putting something in the title like ha ha, guess who’s engaged or something, but then I decided that was too mean to do.

Oh and just to clarify here, I’m not engaged…I’m just kidding around.  I was thinking of saying something like that because when he and I hung out tonight some words did come up in the conversation like… marry/marriage, propose and so forth heh.

It was really quite interesting the way these things just cropped up when we were talking while hanging out earlier tonight.  I was kind of freakin out about some of it too, but there ya have it.

In conversation, he was talking and kind of joking and said Ha, I’m going to marry you for your money now ha ha.  I was just like sitting there thinking, did I just hear what I thought I heard *tries not to faint* hee, hee :p.  I mean yes it was him joking around, but there’s usually truth behind or in jokes, ya know. 

Well and then this one I was totally freakin out inside, but I kept my cool on the outside.  We were talking about some religious stuff and he said if we go to this place (referring to a special religious place) together, you’re not gonna freak out on me, are you and I was like no.  Then he was like good I feel better that we can go to this special religious place together and I don’t have worry about you freakin out or worrying about me being ready to propose yet.  Did you catch that word…propose…yet…why do I get the feeling something might happen and that he might just be thinking and planning ahead on something happening with me now – eeekk :p!!! 

It just keeps getting more interesting every day ;).

The Verdict Is In…

…and I’m even more sure now that I am starting to/already falling for him and hard.  I feel like this is happening against my own will here, but nonetheless these feelings are starting to happen even more now.

It’s just that I saw him after not having seen or heard from him for almost 4 days, which is the longest we’ve not seen or heard from each other in a while now.  Anyway, I thought that I’d see him and be like okay cool, he’s here again and that’s life.  I don’t know, I didn’t expect to react or feel the way that I did when I was with him again.

I can’t explain…I felt like this giddy school girl, but then when I was over at his place and saw him walking up to me after not having seen him for like the past 4 days, I suddenly got shy.  I know, it was weird, but I was standing there like this shy little girl trying to contain my excitement and happiness at seeing him again. 

Then when he was standing in front of me and asked me how I was doing I was all scuffing my shoe on the sidewalk looking down all shy and telling him I was fine, all demure and stuff.  When we were in the car and touched my hand, I thought I was going to die because my hand felt like it was on fire and I was getting tingles all over especially on my hand where his hand was touching mine :p.  I felt all woozy, light headed and weak in the knees too.  I was kind of nervous being around him again too because I felt different and I was afraid of him seeing and sensing the difference in me and my feelings, which I think he did even though I tried to hide it. 

Oh and then when we were standing, talking and just looking at each other while we held each other, I found myself feeling mesmerized by him and his beautiful face.  I don’t know, it’s just that I looked at him and his face and he looked different, better and even cuter somehow to me.  I had a hard time keeping eye contact with him too much because I was nervous and afraid of what he might see in my eyes and what I might see in his.  The moment was just too full a lot of the time with him.

I also remembering stroking his cheek and gently carressing his face while we were talking and cuddling at one point and finding myself gazing at him feeling myself getting completely lost in that moment and in those feelings for him.  I’m not sure how to explain it, but those feelings were intense and during that time I was feeling suspended in time with him, if that makes sense.

I can’t believe this is happening to me and I’m getting more terrified as it keeps going too.  I’ve never felt this way before or started to feel this way before about anyone…I mean sure I loved and deeply cared for my ex-husband, but what I’m feeling/starting to feel for Cory is much more, deeper, intense and different than what I felt for my ex-husband or anyone else and so this is that much scarier for me.

On another good note, I got an e-mail from my almost 2 year old’s mom and we’ve had a kind of rule/limit with our correspondence for a while where we wrote like every 2 months or something like that.  Well, she wrote to me and told me that she wants to lift that 2 month limit on our correspondence now and that she feels like I’m one of her dearest, close, best friends who she trusts so she thinks it’s kind of silly to have that 2 month limit now. 

She feels like she’d like to open it up so we can just write/e-mail to each other whenever we’d like, perhaps more frequently and whenever we can.  The only thing she wants to keep with opening up to write whenever we’d like now is to have the rule that we don’t let more than 2 months go by without writing, which I don’t have a problem with.  I was really happy to hear that she’s feeling this way and feeling closer to me and that she like trusts me more now, ya know.

So, things are going good with school and living away from home on my own for the most part.  Also, things are progressing and still going good and seeming to get even better now with Cory and now things are also changing and improving here and there with my relationships with my girls’ families and everything too :).

Oh and one more thing, Cory decided that “Hanging by a Moment” by Lifehouse is now going to be ‘our’ song.  It just had it’s thing the other day when he heard it, but then today when we were in the car and heard the song again, he said so I think this is going to be ‘our’ song so there ya have it :).

Twitterpated and…

Could it be I’m headed for that 4 letter “L” word too?  I don’t know, it’s kind of scary to think about, but it’s looking more possible as time goes on.

I just was looking at a picture of him I tried to take without him knowing while he was asleep and swooning over him lol.  Of course, he found out I took the picture and thinks it looks bad so he doesn’t want me to share it so I haven’t…yet that is :p.

Anyway I was looking at his picture and thinking how it really isn’t the best picture, but he still looks so cute and all in it :).  I love his blue eyes and he has dark hair that’s cut short and he’s just too cute.

Well and the thing that led to this post was that as I was looking at his picture I felt like my heart was melting and going to burst at the same time.  I felt the butterflies and that feeling, ya know the one.

*Sighs* I don’t know, I think I may already be way past long gone here and this may just be the one that wins and finally breaks down my walls.  It’s pretty scary to realize how much I feel and how deep my feelings are becoming now because I already know that it would have a pretty significant impact on me if we were to break up.

It’s really all rather terrifying at times to think about the reality and possibilities of this whole deal. 

This Song…

Howie Day – Collide

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is another of my favorites. I love it and identify with it too.

The part of the song that sticks out to me right now is when it says …”I find I’m scared to know I’m always on your mind”…because that’s how I kinda feel.

I am kinda scared to know or find that I’m always on his mind, ya know. It’s just another one of those things, if ya know what I mean.
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Cutesy Sweetness

Okay I’m just disgusted with myself lol.  I swore I would never do cutesy, lovey dovey crap again and yet, here I am doing it – eww, I know lol :p.

Like the other day, we’re all looking at each other like grinning idiots, then we were all doing eskimo kisses and cutesy crap.  I was like oh my ew, what’s happened to me LOL.

Oh and then yesterday we’re all texting and he’s all ‘sweetie, who ya gonna dream about tonite?’  and I’m all giggling and texting back ‘um, I don’t know, maybe someone special’ lol.  Then he all texts me back with ‘that’s my girl’ and I’m just sitting her giggling like this school girl idiot and crap lol.  It’s disgusting, I know :p lol.

Oh and then he keeps melting me and making me like putty in his hands :p.  As if all the stuff he does isn’t enough already, then he melted me on the spot even more the other night with telling me how he feels that he’s the luckiest guy because he has me and gave me this list of reasons why I’m so great.  I mean, geez, talk about going in for the kill with all this romantic sweetness *swoons* lol – I know I’m bad.

But you see what I mean here, it’s disgusting what’s happened to me with all this cutesy crap lol :p.