I’m Feeling Frustrated!!!

Man, I do not like trials in life, but then again who does, right. I’m seriously feeling like lately, I’d like to ask if I could just please get to the point where I can “live happily ever after” now or at least start to do that.

I don’t know…I’ve just been soo freakin frustrated and everything lately with the boy, myself, the job hunt…life, ya know. I know I’m going through a trial right now and it isn’t a big trial like others have gone through or what not, but it’s a trial for me nonetheless right now.

I’m having my patience and my faith and things majorly tested and tried lately with things. I just want this trying of my faith, patience etc. to be over now…well until the next one comes, but man I just want a break sometimes, ya know. Well and really no matter what kinds of breaks or vacations I take or go on…I’m not completely going to get the break I need from dealing with some of things in life until I’m dead…when you really think about it, but I can’t die yet.

I still have to get married, have children that I parent and other things so I have to keep dealing with these tests and these trials in life that come. I’m just having one of those times in life, you know the ones.

I just want to see the end of this section of my life and know the outcome already of this test and not have to go through it. Yes, I know…if I didn’t go through it, I wouldn’t grow and learn and become who I’m suppose to be and so forth, but sometimes I’d just like to not deal with it all and be able to escape somewhere, if ya know what I mean.

Anyway, I’m still doing my best to hang in there and not completely go nuts and lose my mind, but there are days when I wonder. I’m hoping to start one of these jobs this week that I’m suppose to interview with hopefully tomorrow or Wednesday and then figure out an apartment to move to in a little bit after I start a job.

I’ve also gotten in touch with my former counselor again…just Monday, as a matter of fact, and told him a little bit of how I’m having a hard time with some things and think some old issues may be resurfacing. I also told him how I’m in a relationship with this guy and there’s some things that I think may need to be talked about in regards to my relationship and may need some work on like communication skills and such. So, yeah…it looks like I’ll be re-entering counseling again.

Anyway, that’s a little bit of what’s going on with me over here with my little test/trial I’m experiencing at present.

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It’s One of Those Dates…

That triggers something for me sometimes still…August 11…it’s been 7 years now since I got married the first time on August 11 in 2000, which ended in divorce in 2001.  The divorce was final by the judge on June 1, 2001 after I had kicked my ex-husband out in April, I believe it was.

Anyway, this date of August 11 still has some triggers and emotions for me even after all this time…it’s lessened a lot and I’ve moved forward with my life and let go of a lot, but there’s still some things there from that first marriage.  I always think maybe one of these years I won’t notice the date of August 11 and it will go by me without me noticing at all, but that hasn’t quite happened yet.

Right now though, this date is something I still notice and remember to an extent.  I remember how happy I was, innocent and naive getting married on this day 7 years ago…only to have it all fall to pieces almost immediately after I married.  Anyway, I remember my first wedding and everything…the whole bittersweet thing sometimes still especially on this date of August 11.

I find myself specifically at times around this date each year, remembering my ex-husband, and wondering if he’s changed at all since I was with him.  If he’s figured out and/or found any kind of real happiness for himself in his life with anyone else or not and I do know because of happening on some information by chance once about two years ago or so that he has a son by some ex-girlfriend of his and that he hasn’t married again since we divorced and he’s still looking for happiness and hasn’t changed much at all.

I hope that someday he’ll be able to figure out and find some real happiness for himself in his life and change himself for the better.  But he’s not my problem anymore so I don’t dwell on it anymore, but these thoughts pass through my head nonetheless on this date of August 11.

I guess you could say that to an extent I still grieve for my failed marriage and some things on the date of August 11.  Well and perhaps I think more about it sometimes like this year and last year because I’m heading toward another marriage with another man, who’s totally different and so much better, wonderful and well fitted for me than my first was.

So, perhaps I have thought a little more about my first marriage and my first husband because I’ve found someone else to have happiness with and to be with and since I’ve figured some things out and been able to find happiness and a second chance at a happy, successful marriage in the future with someone now, I hope for my first husband to find the same for himself some day.

Just some random thoughts I’ve had in my head today, I guess and some emotions etc. that I’m not quite sure how to express or what to say here other than what I’ve said.

It’s the whole thing, I guess, with having lost and letting go of one dream to find and have another better dream now.