And I’m Back Again

Yep, here I am making another appearance after some time…thinking about trying to blog a little more again…just that I keep getting sidetracked with life and everything else going on so I don’t always stop and blog like I use to anymore.

Anyway, some of you know, but our little girl is about to turn 2 years old this month already and she really keeps us on our toes all the time…I don’t know how she just keeps going and going sometimes lol.

And everything’s good for the most part with the two daughters I placed for adoption except the older one, my first daughter I placed, her adad, who is now divorced from the amom and has been for quite some time is an idiot and is accusing her amom of endangering her, which is just dumb so they’re going to do another hearing in court cause the adad is an idiot.

Also, I just lost/miscarried identical twins a little bit ago that I feel were boys so I/we are going through that process and getting ready to try again for another baby in a few months or so.  So, yeah all sorts of fun and ups and downs of life going on here lately.

I have more insight and things to share and write later on grief and similarities between miscarriage and adoption, but I haven’t quite formulated all my thoughts the way I want to write/share them just yet, but I’m going to try to come back and blog the rest again as soon as I can/when I can and see about trying to get back into some more writing for my books too.

Been a long time again…

Just thinking and thought I’d post a quick note here…I have been meaning to write more often but life just keeps on and it doesn’t seem to be as easy to sit down to write as often as I used to but that’s the way it goes sometimes.

I was just thinking the other day about my soon to be 10 year old b daughter that I placed and had a very vivid memory of her from when she’d just been born and we were in the hospital and they put her under the lights since she was jaundiced. 

And I couldn’t sleep so I went in where she was and sat with
her and held her hand and told her I loved her and just sat with her a while. 

While I was in the hospital room/ nursery I think, where she was under the lights for her jaundice, the nurses were in there and one of them asked me how I was doing and I said how I couldn’t sleep and she told me my baby girl had been having a hard time sleeping too and that she’d noticed my baby girl was and had been calm and sleeping since I’d been there holding her hand and sitting with her.

Then the nurse said that she had just needed her Mom and that was all then she was fine and so was I the rest of that night. 

And that memory is so vivid, I can’t believe it’s been almost 10 years on March 14th already this month since I had her, placed her and had this memory happen.

10 years…so long and yet not so long…with it seeming just yesterday that I was holding her tiny little hand and now she’s getting to be so grown up…where did the time go?

And now I’m holding another of my baby girl’s hands, but this one’s hand I get to hold every single day.

It’s memories like these that remind me how much I love all 3 of my baby girls and how much I love that I get to raise my little monkey and still be a part of my other two girls lives and their families.

Long Overdue Update…

…I know…since I got pregnant I’ve been not blogging as often as I use to cause I was sick so much and then cause I’ve been a little busier since I’m now a Mommy trying to keep up with things, have relaxation time and take care of my little 8 mo old monkey girl.

It’s amazing how different things are once you’re parenting your own child and I really don’t know how people do it without someone to help them cause I couldn’t do it without my awesome husband and all my family too.

Anyway there’s quite a few things I’ve thought about blogging about or meant to blog about but then I get sidetracked usually by my Lil Monkey or things that need to be done and what not.

So, I’m trying to get things more settled into a routine and all so I still haven’t figured out when or how often I may or may not blog, but it’s still something I plan to do when I can until I get more regular with it and so forth.

Anyway, I love being a mom and not just a birthmom…I love, appreciate and cherish my lil monkey so much more since I had and placed my Lil Bookworm – 9 and Sweet Pea – 7. Being a mom to my Lil Monkey now has reaffirmed to myself that I did the right thing when I placed both my girls…not that I needed the reaffirmation, but it’s been there the same looking at things and how they’ve panned out and how it is for me parenting my baby girl now.

Things with both my girls and each of their families is still really going really good and improving even more lately in our relationships. Hubby and I are planning to meet up and hang out with my 9 yr old’s mom and her new husband sometime hopefully in July. It’s been a little while since we’ve hung out with my 7 yr old’s parents but I recently talked/e-mailed online with both my girls moms and have seen some pics and heard some updates…both my girls and their families have been pretty busy lately too with things though.

I did find out recently that if my 9 yr old’s adad – her mom’s ex – wasn’t such a pain…I would most likely be seeing my 9 yr old in person and having a bit more of a one on one relationship with her already but cause of him being dumb I haven’t seen my 9 yr old in person just yet. I have talked to my 9 yr old online every so often and I know from her telling me and her mom telling me that my 9 yr old really wants to and would love to see me, hang out with me and so forth, but her adad – the ex had it put into their divorce agreement that he’s suppose to be able to know about all communication between myself and my 9 yr old and here’s where he makes things a little complicated….he had it put in their divorce agreement that if my 9 yr old’s mom invites me over to see/hang out with my 9 yr old without him knowing he’ll try to get her (the amom) put into contempt so he has to okay it/give his permission or at least know about it or something for me to be able to see my 9 yr old so yeah he’s being dumb.

But it’s only a matter of time before I’ll see my 9 yr old no matter what the adad is doing or not doing, ya know…it’s only a matter of time before I’ll see both my girls and start having more one on one relationships with them. It’ll happen when it’s meant to no matter what the adad or whoever does or doesn’t do, ya know.

So, yeah other than that I’m taking free online classes in subjects that interest me, working on doing better with diet/exercise and balancing everything and keeping in touch with both my girls and their families.

I’m also feeling more like myself again even though I’m a mom now and things were thrown out of wack for a while and they’re still not all back to normal but getting there and getting to and accepting the new normal with being a mom and parenting my first now. It’s all good…my 8 month old just started crawling about a week ago on the day she turned 8 months old and she’s really getting the hang of moving now and eating all sorts of new things in addition to still having her bottles and such. She has two bottom teeth and is working on cutting two top teeth now and she weighs 18 lbs right now and she’s still pretty tall for her age and she reminds me a lot of myself and my 7 yr old in how she looks/acts/personality sometimes too.

So, yeah things are good and not perfect of course but we’re working on things and slowly but surely getting the hang of it all with some days being better than others but then that’s how life usually goes :D.

Things I’m Thankful for…

Since it’s Thanksgiving in a few days, I thought I’d do a post on what I’m grateful for…although there’s too many to list and some that I don’t know that there’s words or the right words to say what I’m grateful for…I’ll try to write all or mos of things down I can think of that I’m blessed with in my life.

For the Lord and all the many, many countless blessings He has given me and continues to give me each and every day of my life. For His unconditional love and patience and mercy and understanding and forgiveness etc. that he gives me and shows to me each day of my life. For His atonement.

For being able to go to church and for temples and for being able to feel of the Lord’s spirit and His love for me each and every day.

For prayer and being able to communicate with the Lord and be comforted and strengthened by Him.

I’m grateful to be alive and to have good health and strength.

For modern medicine and all the treatments, cures and such that they have for so many things so that we can all be healthy.

For my totally amazing and awesome husband, He’s my perfect match and my best friend and so many awesome things.

For my family – I have good parents and siblings…especially glad I have my amazing Dad.

For my family that I’ve started with my husband now…I love our little baby girl so, so much already and she can be a handful and time consuming etc. at 4 weeks old, but she brings me/us so much joy that my heart is always so full and happy when I look at her and think of how lucky I am to have her and my husband/best friend in my life. I’m so glad I went through all the bad I did to get to the good and these amazing blessings that I have in my life like my husband and our baby girl.

For my other two beautiful and amazing daughters and their families that I placed them with…I love them and their families so much and am so grateful for all their love and support and the awesome friendships/relationships I have with them that are continuing to grow and develop in such positive ways.

For technology and all the awesome, fun things that are out there with gadgets etc. and the others that are being invented and for all the great ways we can use technology for spiritual things, life, fun, games, schooling and so many other things.

For all the fun games and things that we can play and do with all our family and friends.

For all the enrichment and fulfillment that comes from accomplishing goals, setting them, reaching them and being able to change for the better and expand our knowledge from all the multitude of books that there are to read, enjoy and learn from about so many incredible things.

For being able to have so many talents to share and to develop as well as new talents/skills to learn.

For all my strengths and weaknesses that teach me and help me to grow in many, many ways.

For all the trials and tribulations in my life that I’ve had/have/will have and all the things I’ve learned/continue to learn/and will learn from having my faith tried and tested to help me grow and learn to help myself, my family, friends and others.

For my ability to write and write well with practice and help from the Lord when I want/feel the need or desire to write poetry, stories and other things.

For my opportunity to serve a mission for the LDS church and to spread the word of the God to others and for all the countless opportunities I have had and will continue to have for so many incredible and wonderful things to experience and learn and grow from in my life.

For being able to have food, water and shelter and the things that I and our little family are in need of each and every day during this time when it isn’t always easy with finances and our economy.

For all my wonderful family and friends everywhere around the world that have helped me and continue to help me, set such great examples for me and be such incredible and good family and friends to me.

For all the things outside that make our world so beautiful with trees, mountains, grass, lakes, oceans and all the beautiful nature and wildlife/animals around us and pets that we’re able to have in our homes.

For cars to drive and use as transportation. For being able to be in a pretty safe area to live and to be able to have the Lord help watch over us and protect us each day along with being able to lock our doors and do what we can do to keep ourselves safe.

For being able to stay warm with heaters and cool with air conditioners in the winter and the summer.

For the moisture we receive with snow and rain that we need and for the beauty that comes with/whenever it snows and/or rains.

And for so many, many other things…but I’m going to end this for now and if I think of something else I want/need to add to this post during the rest of this week/month…then I’ll come back otherwise hope everyone else has a fantastic week and a delicious Thanksgiving with all their family and/or friends.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Hope it’s all you hope for and that your hearts as well as your stomachs will be full and you will be happy and full of gratitude :).

 

ETA:  I did send a birthday present to my daughter, who turned 7 yrs old yesterday and talked to her mom a few days ago also so I didn’t forget Sweet Pea, her birthday or that she’s already 7 years old now…where does the time keep going…but I was otherwise occupied most of her birthday yesterday taking care of our little miss wiggles who turned 4 weeks old yesterday.  I also decided that if I feel sad or ever feel the need to be sad/upset etc. around Sweet Pea’s (7) birthday or Miss Bookworm’s (8 1/2) birthday…I’ll be sad or what not on the day I placed them not on their birthdays because the day when the sadness/hard feelings came was on the days that I placed my two girls not on the days they were born…but this year I haven’t felt as much sadness about Sweet Pea…I think because of how things are changing with my having and parenting a daughter with my husband now and because of how good my relationship/friendship is and has been with Sweet Pea’s family and all.

I’ve been ‘missing’ from blogland…

but here I am again checking in. I’ve had an interesting year so far with the pregnancy and everything else in life. There’s just too much that’s gone on…it seems like and at the same time…the same old, same old…anyway…I don’t know how often I’ll be blogging or what this blog may or may not be morphing into here…but I’ll try to get back into blogging on a somewhat more regular basis along with getting back to a more regular life routine again in this next year.

I make no promises about my blogging right now though since I just had my baby girl…she’s 2 weeks old tomorrow and I’m still in the early recovery stages and figuring out life/back to a more normal routine with hubby and a baby now.

It’s definitely very different having a baby and raising them instead of placing them…that much is obvious already and it’s a great thing too. I’ve been thinking of blogging for a little bit now but didn’t know what to say so there’s still more I’ll probably say another time or something, but for now this post will have to do for an update here.

I didn’t have the easiest pregnancy with how sick I was on and off and everything and then because Lil Miss Wiggles decided she wasn’t going to fully cooperate so she was breech and I had to have a C-section…it’s an interesting story/experience the way it happened really…but I’ll do that detailed story another time.

She’s adorable and gorgeous and melts your heart…she’s already the one ‘in charge’ of me and her Daddy over here right now…at least for now she is. We’re definitely smitten with her and despite the ups/downs and all of this year etc…we’re a little happy family now…we’ve started into the official family stage now and it’s not always going to be easy and it’s definitely an adjustment for us, but it’s so worth it.

As for the adoption front, I had a good long talk with my 8 yr old’s amom just a couple weeks before Lil Wiggles was born and either at the end of this month of November or in December, Hubby and I are going to schedule to hang out/meet up with my 8 yr old’s mom and hubby that she just married in June since she divorced the adad a while back as you may remember. Also we’re going to schedule to hang out/meet up with my 6 yr old’s parents…my 6 yr. old is turning 7 this month if you can believe that, I know it blows my mind that she’s turning 7 and the other will be turning 9 in March of this next year.

So, things on the adoption front are still going pretty good and improving with the scheduling to meet up with my 6 yr old’s parents so they can see our Lil Miss Wiggles, which we’ve hung out with them as often as possible before, but the big step is for us meeting up for the first time with my 8 yr old’s mom and new hubby…cause it will be the first time I’ve seen my 8 yr. old’s mom in 8 years and the first time I’ve met this new hubby of hers and the first time she’ll meet my hubby too…so we’re excited and nervous…but moving toward some more openness with meeting up with both my girls aparents is what I want to help our relationships and for when my girls start having more one on one interaction with me through e-mail/talking/meeting me or what have you.

So, yes my life’s been a little crazy and up and down recently this past year and my whole life’s been totally up and down and never quite what I planned, but it’s all worked out to this point and it will all work out in the end, otherwise it’s not the end…at least I think that’s how that saying goes.

But I would do my life the exact same even with all the crappy parts and the heartache and the hard times all over again and again because of the happy parts and the awesome parts and the rewards for going through the hard time and because it was all worth it to end up here with my awesome, amazing Hubby and my adorable angel baby girl that’s here with me now all the time always and forever :).

ETA: Forgot to say the stats for Lil Miss Wiggles birth…she was born on Oct. 24, 2011 at 6:45 p.m. She weighed 8 lbs 2 oz and was 20 in long. She’s healthy and doing really well. She just had her 2 wk well baby check up this past Friday and has gained 3 oz. and grown 1/2 inch in about 2 wks and everything checks out with her and so far everything checks out with me for my progress at 2 wks of recovering from the C-section…no infection or anything wrong with the incision and it’s healing nicely…no stitches, I had staples, which they removed in the hospital and then put glue and tape- the steri-strip tape stuff on it and the Dr. took the tape off of it when he checked me out after we finished the 2 wk checkup on baby. Lil Wiggles has her next appt in 6 wks and mine for my 6 wk last check up until I’m pregnant again or need to see the Dr. again is in about a month to make sure I’m done healing and everything’s good to go all the way back to normal again for now. So things are going as they should with my healing/recovering and our adjusting with baby and all and we’re good :).

I’m Still Here

Don’t worry…if you’ve been wondering if I’m still around or not…I am still around. I just haven’t posted in a few months or so because I haven’t had or felt like I had anything pressing to write about lately.

That and I was pretty sick, like way bad and so not fun nausea/morning sickness for the past few months…I’ve just gotten over the being so sick phase and having to rely on anti-nausea medication to eat/drink within the past month.

Needless to say I’m really happy the really sick part of the pregnancy is pretty much over. Of course, I still have to watch what I eat and so forth so I don’t eat the wrong thing or what not and get sick again. I also still take my anti-nausea medication once in a blue moon if I feel it’s needed, but I’m pretty much off the medication unless absolutely necessary now so things have improved with that drastically, which I’m very grateful for cause I don’t think I could handle how sick I was for very much longer than I did.

I am/have been speculating that it might or should be a boy cause of how sick I was cause I was never that bad with either of my girls and some other random things, but I don’t know what it is yet.

But trust me, I will be finding out if it’s a boy or a girl…I’m going in for an ultrasound this coming Tues, Jun.7…next week…in just a few days.

Here’s to hoping we will be able to find out if it’s a boy or a girl on Tues :).

Other than that, there hasn’t been a ton going on…both my girls are doing good as are their families. I’ve recently talked/emailed etc with both of my girls moms within the past little while.

They’re both really excited for me and want to know what’s going on with me, Hubby and the baby as things happen and they both can’t wait to find out if I’m having a boy/girl and so forth.

Anyway, things are still going good with both my girls and their families and our relationships/friendships as far as the adoption front goes. Things are also still good with Hubby and I and now things are good/much better with me, baby and pregnancy since I’m not dying/way sick anymore.

Other than that, there’s a few other life things/family things going on here and there that are just a part of life.

So, I’m alive, I’m good and everything’s pretty much fine…and I haven’t had much to say lately on here so there ya go.

Here’s What I Know!

I’m pregnant…5 weeks along…I don’t have any exact due date yet…they gave me the due date area of Oct. 21 to Oct. 28 so…last week of October/around Halloween I’ll have my first with my Hubby .

Yay!!! I just went to the Dr.’s this afternoon and got the positive pregnancy test and info but don’t start going to regular checkups for about another month.

So, around Halloween this year Hubby and I will have a little goblin he hee.

I’m still waiting to talk to my girl’s moms….I can’t wait to talk to them about it…I keep waiting for them to show up online and wishing I had their phone numbers…I did have them, but switched to a new phone so don’t have the numbers again yet .

I’ll update more as I know more and have more time…lots of people to tell and it’s been a little crazy sharing the news today :D.

I Know Something…

You don’t know and I’m not telling.

Not yet anyway…although I will most likely share what I know…soon enough =p.

“Whole Again”

I am Me…

Completely and totally…again…all the way being and feeling myself again…don’t know how to describe it really…it’s more of a feeling and I’ve been so happy since feeling all the way like myself again and where I’m suppose to be in life, doing what I’m doing and back on track from all the hard times, dragging myself somedays and at rock bottom sometimes especially all the crap I went through in the past 11 years.

From coming home on cloud nine after serving an LDS mission to Uruguay and crashing to the bottom with marrying, being abused and then divorcing my first husband, which seems like another lifetime and such a faint memory now, to getting involved with more loser type guys and having and placing my two girls and going up and down on the rollercoaster of life and planning to marry one guy after being together for around a year and a half to ending up with the best guy for me that I’m with now…it’s been an amazing rollercoaster of life these past 11 years and most of them/ a lot of the time I’ve been down and fighting my way back to the top from all my hits and times spent at rock bottom.

I never thought I’d feel this way again…all the way myself again back in tune with the Lord, His Spirit and everything else…but after all the crap and heck of a long rollercoaster ride, I guess is one way to put the past 11 years…I feel like I did 11 years ago before I went through everything I did except that now all those things are incorporated into me and my life and I can and do still feel all the way happy and like myself again.

It’s so awesome and amazing to look at where I was, what I went through and to where I am now and see how the Lord has helped me and been with me through the whole thing.

Anyway, I don’t know how to explain it in words just right more than this right now…other than I’m just so freakin happy about this monumental progress and return to myself/completely being myself right now.

I’m going to see about finding a song or two that helps to describe and express more of what I’m feeling in regards to this post and all.