And I’m Back Again

Yep, here I am making another appearance after some time…thinking about trying to blog a little more again…just that I keep getting sidetracked with life and everything else going on so I don’t always stop and blog like I use to anymore.

Anyway, some of you know, but our little girl is about to turn 2 years old this month already and she really keeps us on our toes all the time…I don’t know how she just keeps going and going sometimes lol.

And everything’s good for the most part with the two daughters I placed for adoption except the older one, my first daughter I placed, her adad, who is now divorced from the amom and has been for quite some time is an idiot and is accusing her amom of endangering her, which is just dumb so they’re going to do another hearing in court cause the adad is an idiot.

Also, I just lost/miscarried identical twins a little bit ago that I feel were boys so I/we are going through that process and getting ready to try again for another baby in a few months or so.  So, yeah all sorts of fun and ups and downs of life going on here lately.

I have more insight and things to share and write later on grief and similarities between miscarriage and adoption, but I haven’t quite formulated all my thoughts the way I want to write/share them just yet, but I’m going to try to come back and blog the rest again as soon as I can/when I can and see about trying to get back into some more writing for my books too.

Long Overdue Update…

…I know…since I got pregnant I’ve been not blogging as often as I use to cause I was sick so much and then cause I’ve been a little busier since I’m now a Mommy trying to keep up with things, have relaxation time and take care of my little 8 mo old monkey girl.

It’s amazing how different things are once you’re parenting your own child and I really don’t know how people do it without someone to help them cause I couldn’t do it without my awesome husband and all my family too.

Anyway there’s quite a few things I’ve thought about blogging about or meant to blog about but then I get sidetracked usually by my Lil Monkey or things that need to be done and what not.

So, I’m trying to get things more settled into a routine and all so I still haven’t figured out when or how often I may or may not blog, but it’s still something I plan to do when I can until I get more regular with it and so forth.

Anyway, I love being a mom and not just a birthmom…I love, appreciate and cherish my lil monkey so much more since I had and placed my Lil Bookworm – 9 and Sweet Pea – 7. Being a mom to my Lil Monkey now has reaffirmed to myself that I did the right thing when I placed both my girls…not that I needed the reaffirmation, but it’s been there the same looking at things and how they’ve panned out and how it is for me parenting my baby girl now.

Things with both my girls and each of their families is still really going really good and improving even more lately in our relationships. Hubby and I are planning to meet up and hang out with my 9 yr old’s mom and her new husband sometime hopefully in July. It’s been a little while since we’ve hung out with my 7 yr old’s parents but I recently talked/e-mailed online with both my girls moms and have seen some pics and heard some updates…both my girls and their families have been pretty busy lately too with things though.

I did find out recently that if my 9 yr old’s adad – her mom’s ex – wasn’t such a pain…I would most likely be seeing my 9 yr old in person and having a bit more of a one on one relationship with her already but cause of him being dumb I haven’t seen my 9 yr old in person just yet. I have talked to my 9 yr old online every so often and I know from her telling me and her mom telling me that my 9 yr old really wants to and would love to see me, hang out with me and so forth, but her adad – the ex had it put into their divorce agreement that he’s suppose to be able to know about all communication between myself and my 9 yr old and here’s where he makes things a little complicated….he had it put in their divorce agreement that if my 9 yr old’s mom invites me over to see/hang out with my 9 yr old without him knowing he’ll try to get her (the amom) put into contempt so he has to okay it/give his permission or at least know about it or something for me to be able to see my 9 yr old so yeah he’s being dumb.

But it’s only a matter of time before I’ll see my 9 yr old no matter what the adad is doing or not doing, ya know…it’s only a matter of time before I’ll see both my girls and start having more one on one relationships with them. It’ll happen when it’s meant to no matter what the adad or whoever does or doesn’t do, ya know.

So, yeah other than that I’m taking free online classes in subjects that interest me, working on doing better with diet/exercise and balancing everything and keeping in touch with both my girls and their families.

I’m also feeling more like myself again even though I’m a mom now and things were thrown out of wack for a while and they’re still not all back to normal but getting there and getting to and accepting the new normal with being a mom and parenting my first now. It’s all good…my 8 month old just started crawling about a week ago on the day she turned 8 months old and she’s really getting the hang of moving now and eating all sorts of new things in addition to still having her bottles and such. She has two bottom teeth and is working on cutting two top teeth now and she weighs 18 lbs right now and she’s still pretty tall for her age and she reminds me a lot of myself and my 7 yr old in how she looks/acts/personality sometimes too.

So, yeah things are good and not perfect of course but we’re working on things and slowly but surely getting the hang of it all with some days being better than others but then that’s how life usually goes :D.

I’ve been ‘missing’ from blogland…

but here I am again checking in. I’ve had an interesting year so far with the pregnancy and everything else in life. There’s just too much that’s gone on…it seems like and at the same time…the same old, same old…anyway…I don’t know how often I’ll be blogging or what this blog may or may not be morphing into here…but I’ll try to get back into blogging on a somewhat more regular basis along with getting back to a more regular life routine again in this next year.

I make no promises about my blogging right now though since I just had my baby girl…she’s 2 weeks old tomorrow and I’m still in the early recovery stages and figuring out life/back to a more normal routine with hubby and a baby now.

It’s definitely very different having a baby and raising them instead of placing them…that much is obvious already and it’s a great thing too. I’ve been thinking of blogging for a little bit now but didn’t know what to say so there’s still more I’ll probably say another time or something, but for now this post will have to do for an update here.

I didn’t have the easiest pregnancy with how sick I was on and off and everything and then because Lil Miss Wiggles decided she wasn’t going to fully cooperate so she was breech and I had to have a C-section…it’s an interesting story/experience the way it happened really…but I’ll do that detailed story another time.

She’s adorable and gorgeous and melts your heart…she’s already the one ‘in charge’ of me and her Daddy over here right now…at least for now she is. We’re definitely smitten with her and despite the ups/downs and all of this year etc…we’re a little happy family now…we’ve started into the official family stage now and it’s not always going to be easy and it’s definitely an adjustment for us, but it’s so worth it.

As for the adoption front, I had a good long talk with my 8 yr old’s amom just a couple weeks before Lil Wiggles was born and either at the end of this month of November or in December, Hubby and I are going to schedule to hang out/meet up with my 8 yr old’s mom and hubby that she just married in June since she divorced the adad a while back as you may remember. Also we’re going to schedule to hang out/meet up with my 6 yr old’s parents…my 6 yr. old is turning 7 this month if you can believe that, I know it blows my mind that she’s turning 7 and the other will be turning 9 in March of this next year.

So, things on the adoption front are still going pretty good and improving with the scheduling to meet up with my 6 yr old’s parents so they can see our Lil Miss Wiggles, which we’ve hung out with them as often as possible before, but the big step is for us meeting up for the first time with my 8 yr old’s mom and new hubby…cause it will be the first time I’ve seen my 8 yr. old’s mom in 8 years and the first time I’ve met this new hubby of hers and the first time she’ll meet my hubby too…so we’re excited and nervous…but moving toward some more openness with meeting up with both my girls aparents is what I want to help our relationships and for when my girls start having more one on one interaction with me through e-mail/talking/meeting me or what have you.

So, yes my life’s been a little crazy and up and down recently this past year and my whole life’s been totally up and down and never quite what I planned, but it’s all worked out to this point and it will all work out in the end, otherwise it’s not the end…at least I think that’s how that saying goes.

But I would do my life the exact same even with all the crappy parts and the heartache and the hard times all over again and again because of the happy parts and the awesome parts and the rewards for going through the hard time and because it was all worth it to end up here with my awesome, amazing Hubby and my adorable angel baby girl that’s here with me now all the time always and forever :).

ETA: Forgot to say the stats for Lil Miss Wiggles birth…she was born on Oct. 24, 2011 at 6:45 p.m. She weighed 8 lbs 2 oz and was 20 in long. She’s healthy and doing really well. She just had her 2 wk well baby check up this past Friday and has gained 3 oz. and grown 1/2 inch in about 2 wks and everything checks out with her and so far everything checks out with me for my progress at 2 wks of recovering from the C-section…no infection or anything wrong with the incision and it’s healing nicely…no stitches, I had staples, which they removed in the hospital and then put glue and tape- the steri-strip tape stuff on it and the Dr. took the tape off of it when he checked me out after we finished the 2 wk checkup on baby. Lil Wiggles has her next appt in 6 wks and mine for my 6 wk last check up until I’m pregnant again or need to see the Dr. again is in about a month to make sure I’m done healing and everything’s good to go all the way back to normal again for now. So things are going as they should with my healing/recovering and our adjusting with baby and all and we’re good :).

I’m Still Here

Don’t worry…if you’ve been wondering if I’m still around or not…I am still around. I just haven’t posted in a few months or so because I haven’t had or felt like I had anything pressing to write about lately.

That and I was pretty sick, like way bad and so not fun nausea/morning sickness for the past few months…I’ve just gotten over the being so sick phase and having to rely on anti-nausea medication to eat/drink within the past month.

Needless to say I’m really happy the really sick part of the pregnancy is pretty much over. Of course, I still have to watch what I eat and so forth so I don’t eat the wrong thing or what not and get sick again. I also still take my anti-nausea medication once in a blue moon if I feel it’s needed, but I’m pretty much off the medication unless absolutely necessary now so things have improved with that drastically, which I’m very grateful for cause I don’t think I could handle how sick I was for very much longer than I did.

I am/have been speculating that it might or should be a boy cause of how sick I was cause I was never that bad with either of my girls and some other random things, but I don’t know what it is yet.

But trust me, I will be finding out if it’s a boy or a girl…I’m going in for an ultrasound this coming Tues, Jun.7…next week…in just a few days.

Here’s to hoping we will be able to find out if it’s a boy or a girl on Tues :).

Other than that, there hasn’t been a ton going on…both my girls are doing good as are their families. I’ve recently talked/emailed etc with both of my girls moms within the past little while.

They’re both really excited for me and want to know what’s going on with me, Hubby and the baby as things happen and they both can’t wait to find out if I’m having a boy/girl and so forth.

Anyway, things are still going good with both my girls and their families and our relationships/friendships as far as the adoption front goes. Things are also still good with Hubby and I and now things are good/much better with me, baby and pregnancy since I’m not dying/way sick anymore.

Other than that, there’s a few other life things/family things going on here and there that are just a part of life.

So, I’m alive, I’m good and everything’s pretty much fine…and I haven’t had much to say lately on here so there ya go.

Happy New Year!!!

Happy New Year everyone!!! 2011 is going to be a good year…I have a good feeling about it.

Hope everyone’s had good times for the Holidays. We had a visit with Sweet Pea’s parents last night, just us two and her mom and dad…we hung out, played some Wii games, talked, Sweet Pea’s mom showed me some home movies and pictures too…I saw the home movie of Sweet Pea (6) finishing the scavenger hunt that Sweet Pea’s mom did to tell Sweet Pea and her sister about their trip to Disneyland…which they’re going end of Jan/beginning of Feb.

It’ll be Sweet Pea’s first time to Disneyland and she’s WAY excited for it lol. I watched the home movie and couldn’t stop smiling and laughing at Sweet Pea running around and bouncing up and down all so freakin excited for Disneyland. It was awesome to see the little home movie of her reaction to finding out about their trip to Disneyland and the way her face lit up and was so full of joy and happiness…it’s seeing and hearing about things like that with Sweet Pea (6) as well as Miss Bookworm (7 1/2) that I absolutely LOVE and continually remind and give me peace of mind about them doing so well, being so loved and everything with their families.

Anyway, Hopefully Hubby will be getting a job soon and it’s a job he’d like doing and not just a job to earn money so we’re keeping our fingers crossed for that plus he’s doing great with his online schooling also.

So, we’re doing good, hanging in there and had a great Christmas and New Years etc. Hoping for things to keep going well and improve so here’s to 2011 being a great year :).

Just Had to Say…

I read this entry, The Birthmom I Want to Be, from another awesome blogger and it struck a chord with me.

Everything in that post that was written by the blogger, A Life Being Lived over at Carrying a Cat by the Tail and quoted from the book, Lifegivers: Framing The Birthparent Experience In Open Adoption by: James L. Gritter is true and made a lot of sense to me to read.

I placed Sweet Pea and Bookworm, 6 and 7 1/2 years ago and pretty much everything that’s said/quoted in that entry is pretty much true of me and who I am today and how I am today. Somedays are better than others…but most of the time and for the most part I am that birthmom described in that entry. Some of those things are always a work in progress and such.

I just have to say, I read that entry and went Wow that’s pretty much me and how I am and look at life etc. now and it was just Wow to read someone write that so well. I definitely have to get and read that book now…yes I haven’t read it though I’ve been thinking about it for a while but haven’t done it yet.

I definitely want to read that book even more now and makes me think I need to work some more on getting myself more comfortable with the idea and all of going back to sharing my experiences at high schools or what not.

It was just something that goes with some more healing/another layer of grieving with adoption and some other things from my past as well that fit with where I am right now and that was good for me to read/hear.  I read that and realized that even though I’m still not perfect (won’t be until after I’m dead most likely :p) and have wondered if I’m on the right track with life and things at times, that I am doing the right thing and the best I can for me.  Reading that told me that I’m doing at least some of it right with doing my best to navigate life as a birthmom having placed two daughters.

It’s just good, once in a while, to have some positive reinforcements and validation from other sources outside of family and close friends that you are on the right track, if ya know what I mean.

Reading that entry, along with some other thoughts/emotions etc. I experienced recently, they were all the validation and reminders I needed that I know the Lord sent me to help me continue to grow and learn as He wants me to from this experience and in this life.

Sweet Pea is 6 years old today.

It’s her birthday again…already…I can’t believe she’s 6 years old now, well technically, she turns 6 at 5:01 p.m., but that’s just a technicality :p. Time just keeps on flying by, it seems.

She’s in Kindergarten now and doing awesome with school and everything. She mentioned me for the first time to her mom, asking about me and seeing me.

She’s so cute and getting to be such a big girl already. And things are still going great and continually staying good/improving with my relationship/friendship with Sweet Pea’s parents/family and everything.

Unfortunately I didn’t get to go to the Boutique jewelry event and see Sweet Pea’s mom like I had hoped to do because of both Hubby and I being sick…yes, still.

Although Hubby and I are starting to feel somewhat better now and hopefully we’ll finish getting better and stay better, but we’ll see how things go with that.

I have decided though, side note here, that this time of year (Thanksgiving time and all etc.) and I don’t get along so well all the time. I think this time of year with the weather/germs or something has it out for me. I mean this year, I was/am sick with cold/sore throat/cough, last year was the flu, quite a few years ago I had strep throat a few times this time of year it seems, if I’m remembering right.

Then there was the year, 6 years ago, on 11-21, that I had Sweet Pea and it was all very bittersweet especially back then. So, you might see why I think this time of year doesn’t seem to like me very much.

Sweet Pea’s birthday is still somewhat bittersweet even now…but much, much less than it was back then and it varies how my emotions are on her birthday as well as every day.

I’m excited to hear if Sweet Pea likes the birthday present I sent this year because I think it’s so cute and I think/hope she’ll love it. It’s the cutest music box ever!

It’s interesting when I think about it now, but I think, in a way, I appreciate and have more joy over Sweet Pea and her Birthdays now as she keeps growing up and becoming her own little person and everything. I don’t think I had as much appreciation, joy or realization of how much joy, love and appreciation I would have for Sweet Pea when she was born and I was going through the bittersweet time.

I don’t know if that made any sense, but what I’m trying to say is that I have more love, joy and appreciation for Sweet Pea and her birthday now than I did because when she was born, I had too many emotions, a lot of them that were very hard and more negative then positive since I was seeing/feeling so much loss and pain and not as much positive, happy at that point in time back then.

Anyway, the point is that my appreciation, love and joy for Sweet Pea, herself, her birth/birthday and her family has grown and continues to grow in leaps and bounds the more time that passes and the more our friendship/relationships continue to grow in the positive, healthy way that they are growing.

I hope that Sweet Pea has the best birthday ever this year and that all her dreams come true today and always. Happy Birthday, Sweet Pea!!! I’ll be thinking of her today, sending her all my love as always with lots of hugs and kisses.

Ramblings

I’m here…have a few different things going through my head that I’m thinking would likely make pretty good posts once I can think coherently enough to write it down the way I want.

I’ve been thinking and working through some more stages, I guess you could say, of healing and dealing with grief/life and being married/hoping to have children relatively soon lately. Also it’s Sweet Pea’s birthday in a week, well technically less than a week on 11-21 and there’s that thrown in there with my emotions and all lately as well.

I’m having all sorts of fun with sickie germs right now and have for the past few days thanks to when I recently saw my parents, this past Tuesday, and my Dad passed his lovely germs/cold etc. onto me. Also Hubby has them now too and since he has asthma…he’s been feeling it some in his chest and such…what fun for him don’t ya think :p.

Anyway, I’m hangin in there and doing pretty good all things considered for now. Thinking about returning to the realm of helping out with doing presentations at local high schools, junior high schools etc…but nervous about it and part of me doesn’t want to go back to doing it again. I did it for a year in the past already and I feel like I probably need to do it again for me and to help educate others and so forth, but I don’t really like putting myself out there like that all the time either so trying to work through my thoughts/feelings on that recently too.

Also, I have a whole bunch of thoughts on the saying, “Adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary situation”, which have been on my mind for quite some time now.

So, lots going on with my thoughts/life and all recently although it doesn’t always seem like there’s that much going on when I look at things until I sit down to write/think about it all and realize there is more going on then when I initially look at things.

This week/weekend should be interesting…possibly a rollercoaster ride because of buying/mailing Sweet Pea’s birthday package etc. and then her birthday. Then because most likely I will be seeing/saying Hi to Sweet Pea’s mom this weekend…not seeing Sweet Pea, but her mom with a boutique get together thing for her jewelry business etc. again so that could be interesting depending on where my thoughts/emotions are and all.

Then I get to go meet people I have not yet met from Hubby’s family while doing Thanksgiving next week with the in-laws so wheee, time to get in the rollercoaster and strap on my seat belt, I suppose :).

Saturday Night Was Awesome!

Just wanted to write a short little post here about my visit/hanging out with Sweet Pea’s (5) parents on Saturday night…just a couple days ago.

It was awesome…Hubby and I had a great time with them. We met up and went out for yogurt and saw the movie, “Inception”…we had a blast. We talked a lot and Sweet Pea’s mom said we needed to set up another time to hang out so she can tell/explain to me about all the pics/videos on the 3 discs she gave me with the school pictures.

Oh and can I just say that Sweet Pea is so freakin adorable and cute…she just keeps getting more and more gorgeous. She also is resembling me a bit more and after I watched all the videos and looked at all the pictures, she reminds me of me a little bit more as well, but she’s also more of her own little person now too.

It’s just pretty cool to see Sweet Pea in movies/pics resembling me/some of my family in looks and personality as well as developing and becoming more of her own little person with her own little personality.

So, yeah awesome pics/videos and hanging out with Sweet Pea’s parents…Good times :D.

Surreal

I just have had a few interesting thoughts in my head since yesterday that I thought I’d write down briefly.

And the one word that was going through my head with all of the thoughts was surreal…see yesterday I went with Hubby to a town’s craft fair/festivities because Sweet Pea’s (5) mom and friend had a booth of their jewelry up for display and Sweet Pea’s mom invited Hubby and me to come and see her and the jewelry so we did.

It was lots of fun and totally awesome going up there and seeing her with her friend and their jewelry booth, hugging her and talking with her and her friend and then with her younger sister who had come to see the booth etc. too. But it was just a couple times when we were standing around talking, helping with cleaning up the jewelry booth etc. and then going over to their family’s cabin to sit and talk for a little while before we headed back home that once in a while I had some interesting different thoughts flitting through my mind.

First was when we were talking, laughing, joking together while we were cleaning and I stopped and looked at the scene before me and thought this is kinda weird/surreal…I’m hanging out and joking with my daughter’s mom/other mom and my daughter’s aunt and we’re all okay with it and like it’s totally normal even though if you look at the details of how we came to be friends and know each other…it isn’t ‘totally normal’ at least not to most people, but it is a kind of normal to me…it was just kind of a weird thought moment for me.

Another weird thought moment was when Sweet Pea’s mom was showing me around their family’s cabin and in the back of my mind I was thinking, this is where my daughter plays and is making memories for herself with her family. So, I was having those kinds of weird random thoughts/moments…a few of them when we were hanging out with Sweet Pea’s mom, Sweet Pea’s aunt and their neighbor/friend. It was another different experience, different, but good and well…just interesting…if ya know what I mean.

Also the other day before we went to the craft fair thing and hung out with Sweet Pea’s mom and the few others…I found myself thinking that I envy the neighbors and close friends of Sweet Pea’s mom, the ones she sees every week because I wish I could be her neighbor and see her more often than I do…I love all the time we get to spend together and talk, but I always want to spend more time and talk more because we get along so well and are so close like we are, but sometimes I wish I had met Sweet Pea’s mom in a different way…if that makes sense.  Just like sometimes I wish I had met Bookworm’s mom in a different way, for much of the same reasons…just some more random, weird, interesting thoughts here :p.