I’m Alive…I Promise!!!

Yeah, I’m still here. I haven’t died or anything although some of you might have thought I’d fallen off the face of the earth because I was slacking with my duties of bloggging again lol.

What can I say…my computer was being weird and then I just got back from California this past Wednesday night and had to catch up on spending time with the boyfriend and getting some hugs and kisses to make up for the week we weren’t together lol.

Anyway, my trip to Cali was pretty good. It could have been better if my boyfriend had been with me and if my nieces and nephew hadn’t been givin attitude or bein bratty so much…well, I should say it was my nephew and a couple of my younger nieces that were more bratty than the older ones who didn’t give that much attitude.

But, yeah, by the time it was time to come home from our trip to Cali, we were all ready to come home and stop living all in the same house together. I mean there’s only so much you can take of being around family sometimes, ya know. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love them and all and it’s great to see them and spend time with them, but there’s something to be said of having your own space, freedom and independence, ya know.

Speaking of which, I’m thinking it’s time to go back to my home up at school…not that I don’t like being around my parents and family, but I want to be back in my own place again now. I still have a week until school starts again though, but I’ll be more than ready to go back when the time comes next Sunday to go back to my own place.

I did have fun going to the beach in Cali and being warm at Christmas for a change though. I had fun being with family and all and I’ve been having fun doing things with the boyfriend, his family and my family too.

Since I’ve come back from Cali this past Wednesday night, I’ve gone to look at Christmas lights and see a church movie with the boyfriend on Thursday that we both wanted to go do together…it was fun and kind of romantic too. Then on Friday we went to his Dad’s side of the family’s Christmas party, then we went to some shopping area by the movies and got some yummy chocolate and saw the movie, “The Night at the Museum” with Ben Stiller in it…it was a good movie. I really liked that movie, it was cute and funny and well, just a really good movie. Then yesterday, I just hung out with the boyfriend at his parent’s house, talked, watched the movie, “Narnia” and cuddled <— one of my favorite things, which it didn’t use to be, but it is more so one of my fave things now.

Tonight in a little while I’ll be going with my boyfriend to play games and hang out with my family for New Year’s Eve and then tomorrow for New Year’s Day, I’ll be with the boyfriend and his friends for part of the day playing games, watching football and whatever else. I might go with the boyfriend and my parents to a movie tomorrow sometime too…we’ll see.

Oh and I already told you, but let me assure you again that no, I haven’t gotten a diamond for Christmas or New Year’s and I won’t be getting one either. I hate waiting, but I guess that’s the way it goes unless I want to ask him, but I don’t like that idea so much…I’d rather have him do it…when and if that ever happens…along these lines…he did decide to go off and do the out of state summer job for sure…not looking forward to that, but that’s a whole other blog entry though.

Anyway, I did get a sandwich maker for Christmas from my parents and a gift card and candy and my fave kind of hot chocolate and other candy and stuff. I got a game and pair of socks that I don’t really like so the family who gave me those told me I could go exchange them for what I wanted :). I got lots of fun stuff for Christmas presents from both my girls families though…most importantly pictures, which I don’t have on the computer yet, but I’ll put them on when I can.

I also have pictures from my trip to Cali to put on here still. So, yeah that’s what has been going on with me and my boyfriend got his own car now so we trade off which car we drive instead of mainly using my car now, which is nice. So, I’ve had a good Christmas and a pretty good break from school and all and I’m just about ready to go back now. I know I’ll be more than ready by the time I go back next week though.

So, that’s what is up with me and I don’t know how it’s possible, but I love Cory even more now than I did before…it just keeps changing and evolving and getting stronger. Our whole friendship/relationship keeps changing, evolving and getting stronger along with our love lately too…just since I came back from California. It’s weird, it’s like my trip to California or rather us being apart for a week made things change, evolve and get stronger…if I would have known how us being apart for a week or so would have changed and made things even better before…I would have gone away sooner lol.

Anyway, so yeah that’s me and how things are going, although there’s the impatient, frustrating downside to everything getting better too and yes my friendly low self-esteem issues surfaced again too. I know, I didn’t really miss them either, but they surfaced again :p. But, yeah, I’m dealing with it and with them as usual.

I hope everyone else has been having a good break, great Christmas and that you’ll all have a Happy New Year!!!

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I’m so pathetic…

Okay, I’m not putting myself down or having a low self-esteem moment…just so ya know…I’m just saying I can’t believe myself because of how much I miss Cory when we haven’t seen each other since Wednesday afternoon now.

I mean, it hasn’t been that long yet, but it’s still been longer than I’m use to going without seeing him and I don’t miss him a lot, but I do already miss him some.  I miss him more at night when I have more time to think about him and when I would usually be snuggling with him and watching a movie.

Well, we’ll see how I survive and how I am by the time I haven’t seen him for a week.  I wonder how it’s going to be when we see each other again this time after not having seen each other for a week.  It’ll be interesting, that’s for sure.

Anyway, I need to see about getting some sleep before I get up to head out on the trip to Cali so hope everyone’s having fun and has a Merry Christmas :D.

Final Outcome is…

Okay so the final outcome after we e-mailed back and forth a couple times last night and once more back and forth today was that they’re going to leave the package at a place with some friends for me to pick up.

So, they gave me directions to where it is in the city where they live and we’ll stop by on the way to Cali and pick my package up tomorrow morning .

Anyway, so I won’t see them when I pick up the package this time or anything, but it is still progress nonetheless. Well and there still is that possibility for the future that sometime I might see them when we’re doing things with packages like this again or something else, ya never know.

Well and our level of openness has changed in that now we both know each other’s last names, addresses and such. It is a little different and weird to know that they know my last name, address and can easily get my phone number etc. if they wanted now though. It’s also a little weird to know that they know I know their last name and info now too and that it’s all okay.

I don’t know it’s just another stage of changing with it being more of an open adoption with them now except that we don’t have visits right now. So, yeah, that’s kind of weird cause I guess it’s pretty much an open adoption with them now except for not having visits for now, which could still happen in the future.

Interesting, but in a good way, ya know .

Well, I’m off to pack and finish getting ready to go to Cali tomorrow so hope everyone has fun and all.

Merry Christmas everyone!!!

Guess What…Again!!!

There’s an update with the package story with my 3 1/2 yr old’s mom and the e-mail yesterday. She sent me another e-mail last night that she talked to the agency and they told her they wouldn’t be able to get the package to me by Christmas so she said in her second e-mail yesterday that she wanted to know my parent’s address or an address she could send it to so I would get the package by Christmas. Oh and at the end of her second e-mail where she asked for the address, she signed with her last name now . So, I gave her my parent’s address in case she can mail it and get it to me before we leave for Cali this weekend, but if not I gave her my brother’s address.

Then when I was talking with my parents, we decided to suggest another option since we kind of know where my 3 1/2 yr old and family live. So, I wrote in the e-mail with the addresses and suggested another option. The other option I suggested was that I let them know we were aware of the general area they lived in and said that if my 3 1/2 yr old’s mom wanted she could leave the package at a friend’s house and tell us where to go to pick it up when we drive by where they live on our way to California this weekend.

So, now I’m waiting to see what she says, but now we know each other’s last names etc. for sure and we’ll be mailing direct more now. Oh and now there’s also a chance however slight it may be that she might say come by our house and pick the package up so I might see her or them this weekend to pick the package up depending on what her response is to my suggestion.

Anyway, this is interesting and a whole new ball game for me now because I always knew that if I waited and was patient, things would happen and be more open. I mean I always knew, but I guess I didn’t know at the same time because it’s kind of weird going through this change now with the level of openness.

I mean, ya know what I mean, it’s kinda weird, but a good kind of weird that things are opening up more. So, we’ll see what happens now , just have to try to stay calm is all.

Guess what, guess what…

I’m so freakin hyper and excited right now.  I was just about to run  out the door because I have to send off the packages for my girls and their families and run by the store, but I couldn’t leave without sharing this first :D!!!

And no, I’m not engaged…I just got an e-mail from my 3 1/2 yr old’s mom a few minutes ago while I was online checking a couple things and here’s the good news…she was telling me she was on her way out the door to drop my package off at the post office and she’s mailing it to the agency (boo, I want to get rid of the agency, but trying to be patient).  Anyway, the great news is that in her e-mail she told me she was running to the post office to mail it to the agency because she’d forgotten to e-mail me sooner to ask for my parent’s address where I’m at because she originally had been planning on sending it directly to me at my parent’s house – YAY!!!

So, it looks and sounds like we may just end up becoming more open with mailing more direct to each other in the next while here – isn’t that so cool!!!  I’m so excited about how things are changing as time goes on and slowly improving and opening up more with me and each of my girls and their families.  Patience does pay off in the end after all :).

I’m sooo excited and hyper happy now.  Anyway just had to share…I gotta run :D.

I’m Such a Slacker…

Ha, ha…I know I’ve been slacking with keeping up with writing in my blog here and well with keeping up with online life as well lol.

The only thing I’ve been doing good at is keeping up with my family, a few friends and Cory with Christmas break and all.  It’s been kind of busy yet relaxed since Cory and I came home for break.  It’s just that we’re always together as usual, but over with his family and then over with my family and I’ve been running around to finish up Christmas shopping :p.

So, my family had their Christmas dinner last night (Monday night) because me and my parents are going to Cali to be with my sister and kids for Christmas.  Well and then Cory, his Dad and one of his friends are going to Vegas on Wednesday for a few days because of a bowl game so Cory and I won’t see each other for a whole week – oh my freakers…I know :p.

Anyway, Cory’s been giving me my Christmas presents early since we won’t be together on Christmas, which sucks, but oh well, there’ll hopefully be next year for us to have Christmas together, right.  Now that I finished getting Cory’s presents I’ve got to give them to him in the next couple days before he goes to Vegas.  I also just finished getting the presents for my two girls and their families so I’ll be sending those packages off tomorrow/today and hoping they get there alright.  I still haven’t gotten a present for my Dad and I have something for my Mom, but not sure if I’m going to give here what I have or try to find something else.  I also have to get something for my brother and wife that I drew to give to still – I got part of their present, but need one more thing and then I’m trying to decide if I should or want to give something to Cory’s parents for Christmas or not because if I do then I’ll have to get that to them when I go over on Wednesday before they leave for Vegas, ya know.

Oh, yeah and so far out of the couple gifts Cory’s given me for Christmas, it’s nothing like Holy Cow exciting and don’t worry everyone, he’s told me and assured more than once that I will not be getting a Diamond ring for this Christmas.  So, no, everyone, sorry to burst your bubble, if you were hoping or getting all excited to hear anything exciting from me, but we’re not going to be getting engaged this Christmas and I’m not getting a ring either nor will I be getting one for a while still.

Don’t worry when (and if) it happens, I will take a picture and post it on here of me with my ring and send you announcements/invitations if you want one ;).

Well, I hope all’s well with everyone else and that everyone has a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.  I’m sure I’ll write again before Christmas, but just in case I’m saying Merry Christmas and all right now :).

Everything’s great with Cory and I and everything else still.  He’s like my best friend and I don’t know how to express or explain it all, but it’s changing and improving continually with us and I love him even more now than I did before.  It amazes me how our love for each other continues to grow so much as it does.

Anyway, hope all’s well and just thought I’d let ya all know I’m still alive…if you were wondering, that is :).

One of my new fave songs…

If tomorrow never comes – Garth Brooks

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I found a song I love even more than this one by Brad Paisley called “We Danced” that I put on myspace now and that I danced to with the boyfriend last night – great memories.

I don’t know it was just one of those times that I know will be freeze framed forever in my memory with our exchanging looks of love and remembering how I felt like I was floating and lost in his eyes.

I know…I’m hopeless here :p.
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I really have met my match…

I never thought I’d meet my match, but I really have in Cory.  I don’t know how to explain it, but I just feel and know that he’s my match.  I don’t think there’s anyone else that could match me like he does, there have been others who could have matched me if they had made different choices or changed this or that about themselves, but they didn’t make different choice and they didn’t change so they didn’t match me.

With all the other guys, there was always something really wrong or just one little thing that was unacceptable and had to change for me to be with them and I couldn’t accept them as they were.  But when I look at Cory, he has everything put together in one that I wanted from all the other guys – like all the positive and the things I wanted and liked out of these others I tried to be with or what not are all there in Cory plus more.  Plus he helps me to be a better person or want to be a better person and helps me to improve on myself instead of destroy myself like others before him have done with trying to destroy me.

I don’t know what it is today that’s different or what it is that’s seemingly suddenly awoken in me so strong, but I just know he’s my match.  I also know that we’ll be okay and make it through whatever comes and whatever we need to go through.  I just have this overwhelming sense of peace, comfort, surety and happiness about us and our future now.  I don’t know where this came from or maybe it’s been building up for a while now and just hit me today, but I suddenly know the truth of everything he has ever said to me and of us and our future.

It’s like I suddenly realize and completely believe the truth of it all without a doubt now.  This is something that’s been hard for me and that I go back and forth about, with my skepticism and all, but for some reason I know there will be this much more of a certainty and stableness in me, my heart about our love and our future from now on.

I can’t explain because I’m not sure how to or exactly how this has happened and come about, but here it is now, staring me in the face and I know I can’t run, hide or fight against it anymore with regards to my fears and insecurities, if ya know what I’m saying here.

It’s weird, but I just know now…I think I’ve always known, but something about it and me recognizes it and such has just changed now and it will never go back to the way it was before.  This is for real, this is for keeps and this is forever.

This is some serious stuff, I mean ya know what I mean.  I don’t even know if I’m making any sense here because I’m not sure how to explain or put this into words, but it’s there, our love has established itself even more and I know it will be there for forever.

Waiting…

Is just so much fun, ya know…well, okay not always, but it’s part of life :p.

Okay, little explanation about the waiting I’m referring to here…I’ve been having conversations with the boyfriend lately…and a recent one about the “m” word…he gave me kind of a time frame of what he’s kind of thinking right now about that.

So, yeah, he’s kind of thinking in the time frame of a year or so from now we might do the “m” word…if we survive and don’t break up or something before then or something, ya know.

But, yeah, I don’t know if I like time frames and waiting…I know I have to have and practice patience…along with everything else in life.  I don’t know though is it really better to know a kind of time frame with the “m” word in mind or is it better to not know anything…I mean there’s pros and cons to knowing what he’s kind of thinking and to not knowing, I guess.

Okay and can I just tell you how much this coming summer (summer 2007) is going to suck :p.  Assuming everything keeps going good and I’m still with him this coming summer, which so far I’m planning on still being with him then, it’s going to SUCK with a capital S because he’s going to go off out of state and do some job for the whole summer.  

I think I’ll die of withdrawals when he’s gone all summer long – 4 months to be exact he’ll be gone out of state doing this job, if he does it, which it sounds like he’s pretty much going to do it so far.  Oh, man, it’s sooo going to suck, suck, suck MAJORLY being here working and maybe taking a few summer classes by myself while he’s doing his job out of state for 4 freakin long months.  

If I make it through him being gone for 4 forever freakin long months doing this job this coming summer, then it’ll be a miracle, I think…at least that’s what I think and feel about it right now.  I mean, talk about being tested :p.

I don’t know though…maybe I should just go off somewhere and do my own thing for a while too or something to see if it makes the time go any faster here.  I don’t know…well, I mean…like we’ll ever actually do the “m” word…I mean, we’ll probably only ever talk about it until it all ends because I never have things turn out the way I want or hope for anyway, right…yeah, I know…way to be positive, Anne…well, what can I say…I’m afraid of getting crushed again and of getting my hopes up too high for nothing *sighs*.

Well, I’m going to go take a nap or something and then I’ve got to go to the library and work on papers I need to do for finals, ick :p. 

Wondering…

and thinking…probably too much and too deep about things :p.  I don’t know really how to put into words what I’m wondering or thinking here, but I guess what I’d say is that it has to do with my fears and stuff…again.

I don’t know…I get pessimistic and negative about the success of relationships sometimes…especially when they’re fine and I think because of my past bad experiences, which I shouldn’t let the past influence me this way – it’s still a work in progress…but I sometimes feel like I’m just waiting for something to go wrong.  I mean, ya know, sometimes when you feel like you’re in the calm before a storm and you feel like you’re waiting for something majorly bad to happen that might be waiting just around the corner to screw you and your hopes and dreams over…if that makes any sense at all, ya know.

I scare myself with this whole relationship thing, I think.  I don’t know I’ve just been racking myself over the coals again lately thinking and over -thinking and over – analyzing everything lately.  I’m just like in this dumb insecure state of mind on and off recently where I’m like thinking to myself he says he loves me, but does he really mean it or is he just saying it…I mean does he really love me the way I love him or am I once again the one that loves him a lot and he doesn’t love me back the same…ya know.  I mean he’s not given me any reason to think or wonder that and I know he does love me, but that stupid voice is creeping in again.

Well and then me with my stupid issues and insecurities…he and I were at the store the other night, having fun and getting some things and he was asking me questions and one of the questions was about roses, which led to him telling me about how many roses he’s bought in his life and for who.  Then he tells me about this girl that he dated and about this girl that’s one of his best friends and let’s just say I always feel kind of insecure and whatever when he talks about this girl that he’s good friends with – okay so I have some jealousy issues I deal with there.  I met this girl that he’s good friends with over Thanksgiving break and it’s not like I should have any jealousy issues there, but I do – ya know how that girl thing is…well with me anyway.

I don’t know…I mean okay he was telling me how he all went to the prom twice in high school and I never went to prom.  Okay, I know everyone can stop dying of shock now…ha, ha…I didn’t go to prom in high school…I had a guy ask me once and then he told me he wanted me to go with his friend and not him so I said no and didn’t go to prom.  I’ve always been like I feel like I’m such a dork cause I didn’t go to prom and stuff, but yeah, ya know.

Then I was all being stupid with my fears and all after listening to him talk about these girls and so forth and so I started thinking to myself that he should be with this girl he’s friends with and not me because they’re such good friends and all.  I mean from the very beginning when I first started hanging out with him, I heard about this girl he’s good friends with and from the very beginning, I kept telling myself I shouldn’t let myself like him or anything because he’s probably stuck on this girl he’s good friends with is what I thought at first…well as we can see that went out the window and didn’t work so well because here I am and I love him :p.

Anyway, I guess because of being stupid with my fears and all, I did something yesterday that could have messed up the relationship if I had let it or whatever.  I kind of made him upset by doing something that I knew would annoy him because I was thinking to myself I need to put some distance so I don’t get hurt when he breaks up with me to go be with this girl he’s friends with because for some weird, dumb reason…I got it in my head that it’s only a matter of time before he’ll break up with me and want to go be with this girl that he’s friends with and known longer than me because let’s be realistic here…since when do things work out for me the way I hope, dream or want them too…yes, I know…another thought from the vault of fear and insecurity there. 

So, yesterday, I had myself convinced that it was only a matter of time before he’d break up with me to go be with this other girl that he’s good friends with and known longer than me.  Then I keep doing this to myself, I guess it’s a way of trying to keep myself in check with reality and what not, but I keep doing this to myself where when we talk or mention the “m” word, family, future/possible future together…I think about it and think yeah I want to be with him that way and I could see this working etc. etc. and then I stop, think and tell myself…but all we’re doing is talking and thinking about it all and it will never happen so don’t get your hopes up…I mean, ya know.  I guess that’s a combination of trying to keep reality in check with my fears and insecurities having their voice at the same time, right?

I just get so scared, nervous and worried about things and messing up again…I guess you could say I have issues I keep dealing with in trusting myself with decisions and/or thoughts of decisions like this one would be, if/when it ever happens, ya know. 

Geez, I told you I’ve been freakin wondering and thinking too much and letting my fears and crap get to me too much recently :p.  I need to stop thinking and over-thinking these things…easier said than done, I know.

Anyway, I’ve got to run to the store to do some grocery shopping for the next couple weeks before I go home for Christmas break.  

Man, I’m entering into another level of being vulnerable, open and having to be more trusting or something, not sure how to say what I’m thinking/feeling here…but this would be why I’m freakin out some lately…because of this new level of being vulnerable and all, which isn’t my favorite thing to be vulnerable, ya know :p.