I Don’t Like Sleeping…

Okay so I decided after waking up from my bad dream/nightmare that I don’t like sleeping very much right now.  Seriously, I sometimes wish I didn’t have to sleep at all.  I dream too much sometimes, I think and I don’t know where some of these dreams come from, ya know.

I had a really weird, pretty bad dream last night about my boyfriend and stuff.  It was just totally weird cause it didn’t make sense and it really disturbed me and I woke up crying and all distraught, which I don’t think has happened in a while, but yeah I wish I could just not dream sometimes, if ya know what I mean.

Anyway, a brief version of my bad dream was that I dreamed that my sister and family from California came and took my car and I was upset because then I didn’t have a car or any way to get around to school and stuff right.  I was all upset, ranting and raving about them taking/trying to take my car from me and then I found out that my Dad had said they could take it because he needed the money or something to do with money and I was so ticked off in my dream.

In my dream, I started ranting, raving, screaming, cussing and basically throwing a major fit about it all and I was all distraught over them trying to take my car and what I should do and my boyfriend was standing there watching me throw my fit and everyone in my dream was trying to talk to me to calm me down and I wouldn’t let them.  Well after a while of my throwing a fit in my dream, my sister and family drove off in my car and left me crying and totally stressed out about what I was going to do without my car etc. etc. and how I was going to get to school etc. now and so forth and then my boyfriend got mad at me and gave me a note and left.

I tried to read his note in my dream and couldn’t make sense of it and then I turned to talk to him and he was gone, running off and leaving me.  I took off after him to try to talk to him or have him tell me what the note said and why he was upset about my throwing a fit or what not.  Finally I caught up to him and asked him to explain to me his note etc. and he said well, I don’t know what I was thinking…I must have been blindsided or something right to think I should be with you and then he said you better propose to me now before I leave and start talking or I don’t know if I’m going to stick around.

I was all confused, totally upset and everything at him in my dream when he said that and I said, what are you talking about you just proposed (well informally) to me the other day and we’ve already been discussing when to get married and all this stuff and now you’re going to leave me cause I threw a fit over losing my car etc. and he was like yeah because I think you’re too bratty, selfish and I don’t like that you’re all cussing like you were when you got upset.  I was like are you kidding me what the heck and he was like no, I think I was just blinded by love and I shouldn’t have let it get this far or asked you to marry me and so forth and I’m sorry I don’t know anymore.  I was dying in my dream and I’m still feeling kind of disturbed and all distraught after this dream and I can’t believe how I felt when I woke up from my very bad dream with tears streaming down my face…that hasn’t happened in quite a while.

I woke up from the sucky, way bad dream and looked around to see where I was and reassure myself the dream and all wasn’t real.  I really wanted and wished Cory was there when I woke up to hold me, calm me down and tell me it was all okay and just as stupid dream of nonsense, but he wasn’t there, of course and I haven’t seen or talked to him yet today so I’ve been on and off with this stupid dream in my head today – it sucks when I have dreams like that sometimes!!!

Well and just so you know, in real life and not dumb dream land, he did, in fact, actually informally propose to me the other  night – Sunday night and we have, in fact, been discussing when to get married and so forth recently.  I also, just last night, was thinking how lucky I was to have him and how I still don’t know how I got so lucky to find someone like him that matches me so well.

I was also thinking last night about how I don’t always know if I deserve him or someone like him who’s never been married before and so forth because I never thought I’d be with any guy except someone who’d already been married, widowed, had kids from their previous marriage or something like that.  I just never thought that any guy would want to be with me let alone marry me that hadn’t been married before and so forth like him.

I guess you could say that I always use to kind of feel and label myself to be ‘damaged goods’ and ‘used’ in my mind so I use to always think I’d have to marry whoever would take me even if they weren’t that good because I’ve my thinking (well, when I use to think a lot) of myself as ‘damaged goods’.  Where that thinking use to come from or why it use to be how I thought all the time – I don’t know.

Sometimes though that stupid little voice still tries to surface and make me wonder if I really deserve to be with someone like him because I sometimes think he’s so much better than me and that sometimes I wonder if he deserves better than me, but then I have to remind myself that is the old way of thinking and not the way I should or usually do think now, right.  I mean, it’s a work in progress and so forth, but I usually don’t dwell or think about those things as much nowadays, but every once in a while it creeps back into my mind and causes me to pause sometimes and think how did I (as in someone like me) end up with someone so great like him, ya know.

Okay, I know enough with the stupid little voice crap and I shouldn’t think that at all, I know…It just surfaces every once in a while still and I have to keep working on keeping up with ignoring it :p.


Wedding Thoughts

I know…big surprise…my having ‘wedding thoughts’ here ha ha.

It’s still a ways off and everything, but here’s 3 of the places I’ve thought of when thinking of getting married…

Where would you rather get married if it was you?

Here in Utah

Las Vegas  or

San Diego, California

Those are three places that have been mentioned and it would/will probably be happening in Fall/Winter time like December for example so which one would you choose?

More Dreams to Haunt Me

I had a dream last night that was a good dream although it had its moments like when I woke up and realized it was just a dream and not real life :p ha ha.

I dreamed that I went to my first girl’s parents house for the weekend to get to know them better and hang out together.  She’s almost 4 years old now and I suppose that might have been part of why she and her parents were on my mind while I was sleeping because her birthday’s coming up and I’ve got to write them a letter in the next little bit here too.  It was such a great dream.

I was over at their house, hanging out with them and having fun.  We had, obviously, opened up our relationship to include visits and such in my dream.  I was planning to just be there for one day in the dream and then they were telling me I should stay the rest of the weekend and then they had me invite my family – parents, brothers and sisters over one of the days to spend time too.  I was talking with my almost 4 year old’s mom in the dream about why open adoption was a good thing and why I wanted to see them, get to know them more and everything and she was talking to me about her thoughts on open adoption and visits too.  It was  a great conversation in my dream…too bad I can’t have it in real life…at least not yet anyway.

Then the best part in my dream was when I was walking by a room and I somehow knew it was my almost 4 yr old’s room and her mom had gone to the store and I was by myself there and my almost 4 yr old was taking a nap.  Then as I was walking around the house and I walked by the room that I knew was where my almost 4 yr old was, my almost 4 yr old came out of the room and shrieked with excitement at seeing me, ran over to me saying my name and hugged me – I, of course, lost it in my dream and when I woke up my cheeks were wet too.  I know it’s just a dream, but maybe someday it will be real and not a dream…I hope…just have to keep working on it and being patient.

I suppose part of this dream too was that since it’s approaching her birthday time, I’m starting to have some of the birthday emotions here and there and missing her more than usual.  I’m also wanting to get married and have more kids to raise myself and so there’s a lot of things filtering into that dream, I suppose.

It’s just that dream seemed so real and I almost thought I was suppose to call my almost 4 yr old’s mom when I woke up since I have their phone number etc. now, but I didn’t because I realized it was just a dream.

*sighs*  It was just another dream that seems so real and was so great until I woke up and remembered the reality of things currently in my life and with our relationship.

On the Up Again

Well, that crappy depressed mood/feeling has mostly gone away now…thankfully it didn’t last very long.  My boyfriend and I talked and made up so that helped a lot and then the weather and things cleared up too :).

Oh and then I got a nice long newsie letter updating me on my 2 yr old and her family and what they’ve been up to and I got lots and lots of pictures.  My 2 yr old’s mom was only able to get about half of the pics sent to me via e-mail so tomorrow/Monday, she said she’ll get the rest sent to me, but there’s about 52 pics in all that she’s sending so I was really excited about that plus happy cause my boyfriend and I made up and everything :).

I mean just getting the pics and letter alone from my 2 yr old’s mom was enough to make the world better, ya know, but then to be with my boyfriend with everything fine again was the other half that made it better and then to talk with my parents on the phone and have the weather clear up finished making the world as good as possible for now :).  Oh and did I mention, my boyfriend is going to do this out of state summer job so we won’t be together for like 3 1/2 months or something like that while he does this job…but he found out where he’s going to be going for this job…California =).  He was really excited about that and so am I because that means he won’t be way far away from Utah and I can go visit him during the summer in California if I want (like I’m not going to go visit him duh lol).  My sister lives in Cali too so if I wanted, I could maybe go see her and him too although I’m not sure how close where he’ll be staying is to where my sister lives, but it’s a thought.

And then we talked about quite a few things with making up after our disagreement from the other day and one of the things was marriage, of course.  We were talking and he all wanted me to give him my word that I’d marry him…I was like we can do some sort of promise thing if you want me to give you my word because I will marry you…there’s no doubt about that.  I’d be a fool and regret it for all the days of the rest of my life and so forth if I didn’t marry him because he’s compliments me, completes me and is my match in like every way.  I know I’m suppose to be with him and he’s suppose to be with me…I know it more and more as time goes on and we go through things and learn more about each other.  I also keep finding that I love him more each day and I don’t know how it’s possible, but I keep loving him more and our love keeps growing stronger every day.  Oh and he asked me what my ring size is so he wants me to figure out and tell him my ring size so it’s definitely going to happen just not yet, but it’ll probably happen before I know it because time keeps going by so fast with everything, ya know =).

Okay so I think that’s all for my update…just wanted to let ya know I’m doing much better now and oh, I’ll post a couple of the recent pics of my 2 yr old on here after this post.  She’s just too adorable and cute =)!!!

That reminds me of another thing about my boyfriend…I was mentioning to him when he was with me and saw the pictures in the e-mail of my 2 year old etc. that I said to him, “Ya know, that at some point I’ll tell our kids about my two girls, their sisters (half-sisters), and that my two girls won’t be secrets from our kids or stuff”.  Then he said,”Yeah, I know” and I said, “you know, it’s possible that our adoption relationships might open up more in the future and they might visit us and our family or we might visit them, my girls and their families” and he said,  “yeah, I know”.  Then I said, “ya know that no matter what at some point when A & K, my two girls are older, they’re going to probably want to come meet/visit and get to know me/us and our family and I’m pretty sure I’ll end up having some kind of relationship/friendship with each of my girls where they’ll be around us and our kids at some point later in life” and he said, “yeah, I know and I’ll help support however I can and you know I don’t know much about this so I’ll be learning about this as it goes too”.  Then I said, “well, you know I’m still learning about this all as it goes too so we’ll figure things out with that and things with my two girls as time goes on” and he was like “yeah, I know and I wouldn’t expect you to ever forget your girls or not have them in your life or expect that your girls and their families wouldn’t want to be in your life either” so that’s some more bonus points for me with him.  The fact that he’s willing to accept, work through/on and figure things out as they happen/change etc. with my adoption relationships with my girls and how they might affect our future kids and family and so forth.  I mean I just said all that to him while I was thinking about it because I wanted to make sure he knew that I wasn’t going to ever stop having contact or relationships with my girls or their families and I wasn’t ever going to hide them from our future kids or what not.  I wanted to see what his thoughts and reactions were to the possibility of what if we did open things up to include visits in the future between our families and to his reaction of knowing that my girls and I would meet and visit and have some kind of relationship between us at some point whether we ever include visits or not and he gave the right kind of answers and responses to everything I said.  He’s definitely a keeper in more than one way.

Sometimes, I don’t know how I got so lucky to find him.  He also dropped a hint or two about something it sounds like he’s planning to surprise me with on Valentine’s Day so that’ll be interesting to see what happens on Valentines next month =).

Okay I’m going to post those pics of my 2 yr old now and I hope everyone else is doing alright =).