Light Bulb Thoughts…

…Well, for me…they were and at the same time they weren’t since I’d already thought/realized them to myself etc., but never voiced or really thought of it this way.

Just how Love is Hate upside down so it is with Grief and Happiness…Happiness is Grief upside down and Grief and Happiness are fundamental parts/emotions in this life. It all boils down to love/hate, grief/happiness and sadness/joy…all the other emotions or words we use to describe emotions come from the roots of sadness/joy and love/hate etc.

When people ask how long does it take to “get over this, that or the other”…it all depends on the individual and well, let’s be realistic here, shall we…no one ever “gets over” placing a child for adoption, getting divorced, being abused, surviving cancer…etc…etc…because they are not things/experiences etc. that are meant to be gotten over. They are part of you forever after you live them/experience and/or keep living and experiencing them…they are part of what defines you, teaches you and helps you to grow.

So, while no one really completely “gets over” those things, people do learn how to cope and deal with them on a daily basis and move forward with their life with these experiences/emotions as part of them. And everyone that experiences life and their different trials etc. has to learn how to cope with these things otherwise they can’t move forward as well.

And if these parts of life aren’t always faced up to or coped/dealt with and they are denied…then it’s like denying yourself and ignoring/discounting an important part of yourself and your make up that makes you who you are. To avoid dealing with the grief etc. from life changing experiences is to avoid dealing with yourself/an important/essential part of yourself that shouldn’t be discounted or denied no matter how painful or hard it may be to face and learn how to cope/deal with for yourself.

When a person can accept and love themselves, which means loving and accepting all of themselves and what has made them the person they are, I think…then is when a person can completely and totally let go of things. It’s a never-ending life cycle for the most part really – learning how to love and accept yourself and let go of things because that means facing, coping and dealing with a lot of things about yourself past, present and future, which are not usually that easy to accept and love about yourself/learn how to cope and deal with for the rest of your life and forever. Which is why, for me, personally and individually I know and am grateful that I have the Lord and all my family/friends etc. that I do that help me to work through these things and be able to keep working through things so I can love and accept myself and let things go the best I can when I need to throughout life.

And really…when I think about everything to this point in my life and what it boils down to…what all my life changing experiences and issues that I continually have to keep working through to be able to keep working on loving and accepting myself and everything about myself past, present and future come down to…what the real issue is at the root of most, if not all of the issues and so forth are my self esteem issues that started when I was a child because of the intentional/unintentional messages and things I experienced being raised as I was with the kind of mother I had that led me to believe/feel and have as my perceived reality for quite a bit of my life that I was not lovable. That there was something wrong with me and that love was conditional not unconditional because of how my mother was and still is, but now I’ve experienced and still experience and know that there is unconditional love and I’ve broken out of that perceived reality of not being lovable…but there are times that I still have that view/feeling come back that I continually have to deal with of wondering if I’m not lovable or what I did wrong that I didn’t have a mother who loved me more or so forth…but it wasn’t and isn’t my fault that my mother couldn’t love me the way I wanted/needed because she doesn’t even really know how to love herself and hasn’t figured out things about unconditional love or experienced or rather allowed herself to experience the way that I have.

But really, when I look at all the different choices that I’ve made that caused me to have life changing/life altering experiences and sometimes wonder/question or regret things here and there about my life, my past and so forth…it all comes down to the fact that those choices which weren’t always the best were made when I wasn’t dealing with my self esteem issues, when I hadn’t yet realized them and I was searching to fill the hole and heal myself…to be loved like I hadn’t felt loved a lot of my life growing up and what not.

I chose and married my ex-husband because I was searching to be loved and accepted and was with the less than desirable guys I was at different times in my life because I wanted to be loved and accepted and hadn’t learned how to be myself and separate myself from those issues yet. Counseling, life and time along with the Lord has taught and continues to teach me a lot about these things that are an essential part of me, whether I want them to be or not.

What it really comes down to with all these thoughts and things I’ve written down and been thinking about is that you have to love and accept yourself completely, which means loving and accepting every part of yourself and your life and letting yourself experience, face up to and learn how to cope and deal with all these experiences that make up important parts of yourself because you can’t run, hide or bury these parts of yourself and still be able to love and accept yourself not when you are denying and shunning important and essential parts of yourself that have come to be because of your choices and your life. You have to embrace yourself and everything that comes with yourself from life etc…the good, the bad and the ugly because denying yourself or any part of yourself only holds you back and hurts yourself and your progress in life.

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She made it Facebook official

Today was mostly like any other day…nothing major happening…just hang out, clean and the usual sort of day for me at home.

Until I was sitting at the computer browsing through some blogs and a spider ran up my leg causing me to jump up, run around freaking out and swatting at it to get it off my leg. Needless to say I was a bit jumpy every time I felt something brush my arm or leg the rest of the day until just now within the past hour when I found a spider on the carpet and had Hubby kill it. I strongly suspect it was the spider who dared to touch my leg, but if it wasn’t I warned any creepy crawlies hiding around here that I would find and dispose of them…they are not welcome here ever…can you tell that I really, really strongly dislike spiders and creepy crawlies :p.

And then the big thing that caused me to pause and think as well as have a bit more of a reaction/emotional reaction than I expected…I pulled up my Facebook page and saw Bookworm’s (7 yrs. old) mom’s notice/update that said she was “single” now. It was very, very weird to me to see that on my Facebook feed…I mean I knew it was coming…I knew it would happen and I know pretty much all the details of the situation/divorce and things that are being worked on and have been worked out with Bookworm’s custody and all…but it’s one thing to know about it, to know what’s happening and what’s coming and then to see the result of it like this update of Bookworm’s mom’s update…she’s single now.

It’s just so weird and I’m not entirely sure how to react or how I want to react or feel about it after seeing that update on my Facebook feed today, ya know. It’s wild and still somewhat unexpected to me that it’s really happening/happened…the divorce and everything with Bookworm’s parents.

I sat and stared at the screen for a few minutes with twenty things racing through my head and feeling a range of emotions and then looked at the comments to her update of ‘she is single’ now. I thought what should I comment or should I comment…because really what I thought of writing would have ended up being a paragraph or more about I’m sorry and I’m happy for you and I hope you are happy and enjoy time to yourself before you go jump back into dating or anything like that. I also thought of writing, wow, so is the divorce final, so is Bookworm with you, as in did it work out with you getting sole custody or what’s the final verdict on that or do you know yet cause she was still figuring that out among other things the last I talked to her a few weeks ago and she just barely moved into her own place so I need to e-mail/talk to her to get another update on things soon, I think. Plus I want to talk to her and see how she’s doing with all of this that’s going on and the changes she’s going through now, ya know what I mean.

I want to talk to her and be there for her because I care about her not just because she’s Bookworm’s mom although that’s a reason why too. I also want to talk with her to check in etc. because I have an idea of where she is with this…because while I didn’t experience her exact situation…I did experience something similar when I was married the first time and got divorced although there weren’t any children involved when I ended that first marriage, which made things somewhat easier, but anyway I just have been thinking about Bookworm’s mom and wanting to check in with her for a little while now, but giving her space while she moved and took care of some things.

Another thing that got a reaction out of me when looking at Bookworm’s mom’s update of being single on Facebook was what some of the comments were. I mean seriously I wonder about some people and their comments…of course, they mean well and they’re just being supportive to her in their own way, but I know if she’s anything like me that some of those remarks didn’t really help. And by the way, I ended up choosing not to comment because a lot of what I wanted to say to her was more personal than I’d like to put on her Facebook page and probably more personal than she’d like me to put as well. I’ll say it to her in an e-mail or next time we get a chance to chat cause I’m hoping to catch her and talk to her online in the next couple weeks so we can catch up a little.

Anyway, back to the comments on her ‘I’m single now’ update on FB…Most people just clicked that they liked it, which I did as well cause it was better than figuring out a comment to put on it etc…but a few people wrote comments. Like one person wrote ‘oh I’m sorry I didn’t know’…uh what kind of comment is that can I ask…I thought that was kinda weird and then a couple others and then the one comment that I didn’t like the most was a person that wrote ‘Enjoy being single while you can cause someone will grab you up before you know it cause you’re so great’…I read that and I was like seriously?

Because okay, I get that from that comment they’re trying to be supportive, positive and loving etc. to Bookworm’s mom about her finding and marrying a good guy sooner than she thinks, but she just barely put that she was single on FB after she’d been married to the same guy, who was a good guy at one time too, who she adopted Bookworm with, and they’d been married for 18 yrs…I didn’t really think that was the best or most appropriate comment to put on her I’m single now update, but maybe that’s just me. Plus, I highly doubt that Bookworm’s mom is all anxious and impatient to go dating again and get married again after what she’s been through…she needs time before she goes back into dating and marries someone else etc…I mean for heaven’s sake people give her a little time and space before you start telling her that she’ll be dating and married again before she knows it.

And then that comment and my thoughts/reaction to the comment etc. brought me back to the worry I have in the back of my mind of what if Bookworm’s mom marries someone else, who doesn’t like me or who doesn’t like the fact that I’m still a part of Bookworm’s life like I am. What if Bookworm’s mom marries someone who wants to push me out of the picture and not deal with me or something like that…I mean I know that Bookworm’s mom is not going to rush into anything, not back into dating and not into another marriage and that she’s going to take her time, be quite a bit picky and everything before she marries another guy, but even though I know that…I still have that little worry in the back of my mind about the next guy she marries or dates etc. and how that may or may not affect Bookworm and the whole adoption relationship/friendship between us, if ya know what I mean.

So, anyway that’s how seeing Bookworm’s mom’s update of ‘she’s single’ now threw me for a bit of loop today…emotionally, mentally and so forth. It’s another new part of things for me to deal with and process through with this new aspect of things with Bookworm’s mom being single again and all that. I’m sure there will be more to process through that I never expected to deal with when I first placed Bookworm with her mom and ‘once upon a time’ dad that will never be a dad to her the same again or the way I wanted him to be a dad to Bookworm.

And all because he couldn’t work through his issues and be the dad that Bookworm needed him to be and/or be the person that Bookworm’s mom, Bookworm and I along with many others needed, wanted and hoped for him to be.

Yep, I’m still processing this loss, the loss of the dream that I had hoped Bookworm would have and one of the reasons I had placed Bookworm in the first place because I so wanted her to have a mom and a dad. I so wanted her to not have to deal with exactly what she may end up having to deal with now…being shared between two parents who don’t love each other anymore.

It really is heartbreaking and so very sad when this sort of thing happens especially when it’s something that can affect your child so much.

Feeling Betrayed…

I know…that’s a big surprise…what with everything I’ve found out recently about my 7 yr. old’s parents getting divorced and all.

But yes, I’m still processing…and feeling a range of things as I probably will on and off for quite a while and maybe for the rest of my life when things pop up. As in new things that have to do with and be dealt with in regards to my 7 yr. old now coming from a divorced home and what not as she grows up.

The main thing is my being sad about this whole thing besides dealing with being angry and upset…because I feel betrayed and hurt by my 7 yr. old’s adad to be a little more specific…

I mean he betrayed his wife, my 7 yr. old’s mom, and he betrayed and hurt himself even more whether or not he realizes that yet, but most of all he betrayed and hurt his daughter, which is also my daughter. And there is where a lot of my feelings of betrayal and hurt come from besides the fact…that although he hasn’t thought of it and maybe never will think or realize it…he betrayed and hurt me…the other mother…but he probably doesn’t even realize or think of that.

My 7 yr. old’s mom has thought of that and apologized to me and felt bad that she’s had to tell me about them getting a divorce and the whole situation cause she knows that it affects me too. Even though it’s not as direct or maybe not as major to me as it is to them and to my 7 yr. old, she knows and understands that it does affect me as well. She knows that this isn’t what I wanted/hoped for for my 7 yr. old and I know that she didn’t want this for my 7 yr. old either that’s why we’re both her mother because we both love her and would do anything and everything we could for her and we both want what’s best for her.

But my 7 yr. old’s dad lost sight of that when he made some wrong choices that ultimately lead to this divorce and this situation that they’re now in.

And he’s hurt more people than he realizes or knows because my family feels it as well…this is another of those things that has more of a ripple effect that some/a lot of people realize or know sometimes.

It’s just the thing that I’m working through with my emotions etc. and thinking of lately that really has me feeling betrayed and hurt is that…

I trusted him…I gave him the ultimate thing when I placed my child with him and in his care for him to play the role of the father to her and he just threw it away now. Of course, it was gradual…and not all at once, but ultimately now he has thrown that away and I feel like he threw my trust out the window and stomped on it…whether he will ever see how he betrayed me and my trust as well as betraying and hurting the trust of his wife and my 7 yr. old, I don’t know, but he did.

My feeling of being betrayed, of course, doesn’t compare to how his wife, my 7 yr. old’s mom is feeling and what she has to process through and what my 7 yr. old will feel and perhaps have to process through one day, but on another level…it is there.

I trusted him completely and with my child and he betrayed me and that trust.

Not that it’s new, my trusting someone and being betrayed…I just never thought that my 7 yr. old’s adad would betray me and my trust in him this way.

I think part of why this is hard for me on some level and more to process through is because it also brings up some of my past when I trusted and was betrayed by my ex-husband and now by the adad of my 7 yr. old.

A little upset…

but it was another good/great Mother’s Day in spite of the upsetting information I got today.

I’m just disgusted with some men and pornography etc. I found out that porn is indeed the reason why my 7 yr. old’s parents are getting divorced. As in the adad was into porn and that’s just a way of simplifying it since I don’t really want to write out all the not pretty picture crap.

My 7 yr. old and her mom are moving soon and the sooner they move away from the adad and the divorce is final, the better is what I say.

Disgusting, I’m just disgusted and angry at/with the adad right now and I’ve been going through a range of emotions on and off dealing with the news that my 7 yr. old’s parents were getting divorced, but haven’t known where to direct my anger, but now I do.

A lot or most of my anger belongs directed at the adad as far as I’m concerned…he’s a sad, stupid excuse of a man…disgusting.

Total Shock!

At least it was to me and to my family/close friends…I’m still processing it and it’s a bit surreal…and no it’s not an April Fools Joke though I wish it were…

It was just the other night, 3-31, I was sitting here online about to go play a game with my hubby, when my 7 yr. old’s (a)mom came online on FB chat and said Hi to me so I’m like Hi, how’s it going? No big deal just us chatting, catching up/updating each other as usual, right?…well a bit more of an update…a rather shocking update than I wanted or would have expected.

So, my 7 yr. old’s mom says to me on chat, Is now an okay time to talk for a bit? I’m like okay sure and she says I’ve been meaning/wanting to talk to you for a bit now, but been putting it off for far too long…

At this point, I’m wondering what the heck’s going on because obviously something is up here. So, I ask are you guys adopting again…cause she says things are changing here and that’s the first thing I think…well then I look up and it says, “I’m divorcing S (my 7 yr. old’s adad)” and I’m just like…uh what?!! and I froze sitting here in my chair and felt like I just got smacked in the face by a curve ball.

So, instantly I’m frozen in my chair, speechless, freaking out, trying to remember to breathe and stay calm…my heart’s going crazy and I’m crying all of a sudden and wondering what the heck happened…how is my 7 yr. old…and are they going to be okay and what the freak I didn’t place her for this to happen…this isn’t what I wanted for her…it’s not fair…all running through my head and reacting in 30 sec or less…

So, I take a deep breath and ask if this has been going on long or if it’s something new and she says, “I kicked him out last July”…again…what?? and I’m still freakin out and like wow, so it’s been a while now and then I ask her about some of the details and for more info about what exactly is going on now and she keeps apologizing cause she feels so bad that she didn’t tell me until now and I’m like, it happens, life happens, yes I feel a little upset you didn’t tell me until now, but you told me now and in spite of all, I can kind of understand, how it might be for her and her side of things and how life gets etc…so yes, I’m upset she didn’t tell me until now, but I’m not going to dwell on it because really what good is that going to do.

Really, I’m just happy that she told me and talked with me now and that we opened up a little more to each other with this discussion last night. And what’s important to me now, is that my 7 yr. old is okay and being taken care of and loved and that her mom is going to be okay and that they are going to be in a better situation on their own with the two of them and the amom’s family, they have a good support system and I don’t question the amom’s judgment in deciding to divorce the adad…I just wish it didn’t have to happen…

I still know I did what was best and what was right when I chose to place my 7 yr. old with this family, 7 yrs. ago, because she still had what I wanted her to have for 6 yrs and she still has her mom and all their family and friends that they’re close to and she still has me and my family too. I just wish my 7 yr. old didn’t have to experience this and that her mom didn’t have to either, ya know…

I still don’t know all the nitty gritty details, but I know enough for right now while I’m digesting this new development. I do know that they’re divorcing and my 7 yr. old’s mom told me she’s working on putting the house up for sale and is thinking of moving to Cali to be by her sister or AZ to be by her brother, both of whom she’s close to, but she doesn’t want to stay where they are anymore at least not for now.

I do know questions I meant to ask, but haven’t yet, but that I’ll ask and find out later, such as if they’re going to share custody of my 7 yr. old or if her amom’s going to get full custody and the adad’s only going to have visitation and more details about things. I do know my 7 yr. old is doing good despite this going on…at least her amom told me she’s trying to do her best in helping my 7 yr. old be okay with stuff for now and keep my 7 yr. old out of the middle of things between her and the adad, as in she’s protecting my girl from being used as a pawn etc. as much as she can and she’s putting my girl as her first priority no matter what with all of this, she told me that and some other things as well.

She and I talked about and are also not planning to change our relationship or the way we do things…other than I’ll mail things to a different address once they move and so forth. We’ll still e-mail/write and chat online and mail gifts and keep in touch and keep working on our relationship/friendship and whenever my 7 yr. old wants to see me/talk to me like she and her mom chatted with me online a couple times recently, I’ll still be able to talk with my 7 yr. old and meet her when she wants when she’s a little older.

And so, a lot of things are staying the same, while a lot or some things aren’t and some things, we’ll see what happens as time goes on…but at least she told me and we had a good talk about things and she told me to please remind her when it’s been a while for her to send me a picture/update on my 7 yr. old because she wants me to know about her and have pictures and she knows that I need to know and have recent pictures about my 7 yr. old as well. My 7 yr. old’s amom doesn’t want me to ever feel shy to remind her/ask her for pictures or about my girl or to ask her anything or talk to her and she told me she’d try to chat with me online more often because she thinks it’s good for us and she enjoys it and I do too…so we talked about both trying a little harder and keeping working at keeping up with each other with updates/pictures etc. and chatting online more often so it was a good talk overall despite the shocking part of it.

And I feel closer to her and better about things after talking last night and I know that my 7 yr. old is doing good right now and that she’s being well taken care of and all with everything going on. That’s not to say that down the road there won’t be things to deal with that have to do with this divorce happening now, but for now things are the best they can be and her amom and me as well as our families are working on things to keep things as good as they can be from both sides through this and as life goes on and my 7 yr. old keeps growing up.

I’m sure I’ll have bad days with this whole divorce thing and thinking about my decision that I made to place my 7 yr. old with them as well, but I’m only human, right and even though I’ll have my bad days and my doubts…I still know that my girl was meant to be with them and is meant to be where she is in spite of these unfair circumstances that have come up.

Life isn’t fair, but whining about it only does so much and I’m still processing and in shock and upset about this some, but it is what it is so I’m trying to deal and process it the best I can. I have a lot of people – family/friends – that I know I can talk to and turn to and most importantly despite this unhappy bit of news…I think, in a way, it’s helped the relationship/friendship etc. between my 7 yr. old’s amom and myself as well as other things…I think this decision to divorce the adad may be a good thing that helps and affects more than the initial reasons the amom had for deciding to divorce him.

I do also have some anger toward the adad now as well…although I’m not entirely sure what all went down and what he did…I’m still upset at him as well as this whole situation…see still processing this…and I’m rambling now…so I think I’m going to wrap this up for now.

All that matters is that my 7 yr. old knows she’s loved by me and her amom and by all the people who love her and that she is being taken care of and provided for in all aspects. Just a long as my 7 yr. old is alright, that’s all that matters in the long run with regards to the divorce and all, ya know.

Bitten by Old Fears Resurfacing…

And insecurities and so forth. As some of you know I’ve been up and down having a hard time with things and working through things with my boy lately as well as dealing with a sudden blast from the past – see psycho ex suddenly and totally out of the blue attempting to contact me.

Well because of the psycho ex suddenly resurfacing and my living back at home around my mother – see toxic influence and some things that happened in the past with my boy that we’re working through and so forth…I’m having old fears resurfacing and some of my old messed up thinking showing up again in regards to trust, self-worth, self-confidence and those kinds of things.

I attempted to get back in contact with one of my former counselors this past week even before the psycho ex resurfaced briefly, but my counselor is out of town. Imagine him needing to go on a vacation now of all times…at any rate, I’m suppose to stop by sometime this next week to get in touch with him when he should be back from his vacation. I’m not sure how excited I am about talking to my counselor again, but I know I need to…I need some help again with straightening my thinking out again and what not so it doesn’t affect my relationship with my boy negatively more than it may already have affected it.

I had a bad dream yesterday and it affected me and my mood negatively and I got upset at the boy for no valid reason but rather because of the dream and how he’d been in my dream and well because it was tied to one of my fears/insecurities of losing him to that girl he’s friends with that I mentioned one other time in the past here.

Anyway, in the dream, I dreamed that, basically, he chose her over me and then I talked to him about it last night and he said he hasn’t hung out with her since we had a discussion about it and I told him I didn’t feel okay with it. He talked to this girl once just after we got back from Lake Powell a week ago because she text him about going on a hike sometime together and told her some of what was going on, which kind of bothered me having him tell her some of our problems, but it’s in the past now and she told him she was sorry for any trouble she’d caused and said she didn’t want to be the reason our relationship had problems so in that conversation it was decided they would stay friends and talk sometimes, but wouldn’t hang out because she didn’t want to cause problems and he told me I was more important so he didn’t want to do anything that would hurt me, make me uncomfortable or what not.

So, anyway last night we had a full out talk about that situation and he reassured me about that this girl that is his friend isn’t a threat and doesn’t like him and he doesn’t like her and he wants to be with me. I felt like an idiot, but some of this has to do with the old fears and issues I’ve had resurfacing, which is why I want to go talk to my counselor. Then we were talking and discussing some other things about trust and what not and it came out that he’s noticed me having a hard time with trusting myself and having confidence like I’ve noticed lately too and he asked me why I’m having a hard time with that and I tried to explain it with some of the stuff from my past, but the thing is I’m not even sure why I’m having a hard time with some of these things again. I have some ideas, but I’m not sure if that’s what they are or if there’s more to them resurfacing again that I haven’t acknowledged to myself yet, if ya know what I mean.

Anyway, I was trying to talk with the boy about these things and what not and somehow it came up we were discussing that some of my fears etc. have to do with the part of my past of having a failed marriage etc., which it does…that I’m scared of making a mistake and having another failed marriage and so forth. So, we were talking about that and all and mentioned something about fairy tales and how we haven’t had fairy tale lives…neither of us have and I don’t remember exactly what he said or how he said it, but he asked me why he couldn’t be my fairy tale and I said I don’t know why you couldn’t be my fairy tale, you could, you can and he said well then why don’t you let go of some of these things and let me be your fairy tale and I was like I don’t know what I’m suppose to let go of or what’s going on right now that’s why.

But it cut me like a knife to see the look on his face and hear the tone of his voice when he asked me why he couldn’t be my fairy tale. I don’t want to hurt him, but I know I probably do unintentionally with all my emotional baggage, walls and so forth that I keep up and have been taking me forever to take down or let go of so that I can let him in. Well and I’m scared of letting him in completely because of some things that happened between us at the beginning of the year/last year that we’re still working through the effects of having had them happen. I’m trying to figure out how to finish working through them and letting them go, but I’m having a hard time, I think with some of it and need some extra outside help from my counselor.

Well and then he was asking me last night what was wrong and telling me that he knows something is wrong and that I’m scared of something, but he doesn’t know what it is that I’m scared of. I’m not even completely sure what it is that I am afraid of right now…I think I’m afraid of more than one thing though and those fears, well, most, if not all of them are in connection to my past. I mean I’m afraid of making a mistake where I end up in a failed marriage again…I’m afraid I’m not capable of making the right choice. I’m afraid of giving all as in 100% trust to things and finding out I placed my trust in the wrong place. I’m afraid of being intimate with someone again…I think even a part of me is afraid of having children again…even though that’s what I want more than anything because of the emotions that will probably come up when I have children of my own and raise them. I’m also afraid of getting married and the off chance that I’ll have fertility problems or something like that.

With the fear of being intimate with someone again when I was thinking about all this last night and trying to sort through it all and talk with the boy to help him understand some of where I’m coming from and so forth, I had the memories and thoughts come to mind of how I was pressured and forced into sex so many times and felt or was raped by my ex-husband at least once that comes to mind vividly when the thought comes to mind as well as by the psycho ex that tried to suddenly contact me the other day. I experienced dissociation and PTSD in the past and suppose I still do sometimes and I don’t know I was wondering if I’m going to have to tell the boy about some of this because I haven’t told him about my fear of intimacy because of these reasons with having been pressured/coerced into sex or being raped/feeling like I was raped by two of the guys in my past. I just haven’t thought I needed to tell him or felt the need to tell him yet, but maybe I will have to tell him some of this…I don’t know, I guess we’ll see.

Well and then with my past experiences, I’ve always tried hard, tried to make the guys happy and work through things and what not, but no matter how hard I tried, how much I did or how much I loved the guys in my past…they always left me so I have this other stupid fear that no matter how hard I try or what I do or how much I love that Cory will leave me too because it’s too hard to be with someone like me with all my emotional baggage and such. I know most of these fears and such make no sense and are irrational, but they’re there for me to deal with nonetheless. Then there’s my irrational thinking that I sometimes think it’s not fair to Cory to be with someone like me and that he deserves to be with someone other than me that doesn’t have my past or my emotional baggage.

I know it’s totally irrational thinking and I shouldn’t think it…I really don’t have much if any foundation to give valid reason to think irrationally like this, but I am, for some reason thinking that way and need to figure out why and straighten out my thinking again. I mean Cory’s still with me and trying to work through things with me and help me figure things out and he told me last night how much he loves me and always will love me no matter what and that he’s there for me so he is the guy that I want and that I love so what is my problem anyway…

This is why, among other reasons, I need to go talk to my counselor and get some help figuring things out…hopefully he’ll be back from his vacation when I go in to talk to him again this week.

Edited to add a little update here:  I was talking with the boy again tonight about this, that and the other and he mentioned something to the effect so that I know I did mention or tell him in the past about the rape/being pressured and coerced into sex issues.  I had forgotten that I told or mentioned it to him because it was so long ago that I mentioned it to him, but today was a better day and I’m feeling better and more positive about things again.  I’ve pinpointed more about where the trust and confidence issues are from somewhat and know that it just needs some time for me to get those feelings back again and going to counseling and some other things I’m going to do in the next couple weeks will help me progress and get back there where I need and want to be quicker so just have to keep holding on a little longer here :).

Long Time, No Write…

Well, okay so it’s only been about a week since I last posted an entry here…but for me that’s kind of a long time to go without writing anything considering I’m usually pretty regular with posting.

Anyway, I promised I’d blog so you all know what I’m up to…so I’ve been down here visiting my parents for the past week and also saw my boy for the first time after 2-3 weeks when I got down here last week.  It was kind of weird when he and I first saw each other after not having seen each other for a while, but after the initial shock of seeing each other for the first time again…it was back to feeling comfortable and the same again.

We’ve both been looking for jobs down here and trying to decide where we each want to live – him with a friend and me by myself unless I find someone I’d want to try rooming with – ha until we get married and get a place together.  So far because of the job/financial status…we haven’t changed the wedding plans…we’re still planning to try for December.  I still don’t know if I/we’ll be able to make it all the way to December, but that’s the plan for now that we’re doing.

As for the job search, I’m getting tired of it because I’ve been back and forth with look for a job down here and look for a job up where my place is that I still am in until I get a job down here.  It seems like I’ve been looking for a job for quite a while now and thinking about it recently, I’ve discovered/figured out some things about me and this job search that have lead me to the conclusion within the past few days that I am the one holding myself back from getting a job, if that makes sense.  I mean, I’m the only person or thing standing in my own way of getting a good job that I want or even of just getting a job because of some fears and insecurities of mine.

Yeah, I know…me and fears and insecurities…we’re good pals and we go way back together and I really detest them.  For some reason though, they seem to love me…it’s disgusting really when they show up and bug me like this.  I really hate having to constantly battle with them in one area of my life or another, ya know.

It’s just that I’ve recently discovered and figured this out about holding myself back with jobs because the thing is I have had jobs offered to me…I have had a few jobs that could have been fun or decent until I found something better that were interested in hiring me, but I didn’t respond because I wanted to hold out and see if I could get something better.  Then if I wasn’t holding out for something better, like there were a couple jobs that were interested in offering me a position or talking to me that I didn’t respond to that were great jobs that had to do with counseling…I freakin probably could have been starting a job with a counseling office already, which is what I want to do, right?  But what do I do, I run and hide…not because I was waiting for something better than those one or two jobs, but because I was/am afraid that if I did go and start working with a counseling office…I’d fail at it or find that it wasn’t really my thing or who knows what skeletons from my closet would surface for me to deal with so because of my stupid fear of failure…I didn’t even try.

Then as you can see, instead of identifying the problem as I have and saying okay this is what I need to do to change the outcome and get myself to try and just go for the job the next time or what not, I kick myself while I’m already down.  I know I shouldn’t kick myself while I’m down…it’s such a bad trait/habit I have of doing to myself and one that I constantly work on.  I should just learn from what I’ve figured out here and from my mistakes and use it to help myself, but instead I was kicking myself while I was down.  I really need to stop doing that, learn from the mistakes and get the next job/good job that comes along because I know they’re out there and I can do them…I’ve already seen some of them, but I can’t let them pass me by anymore.

Other than that, I’ve been doing Memorial Day get togethers with his family and today with my family.  We hung out with a couple of his friends and went to see Shrek 3 on this past Friday night, then Saturday night, we hung out by ourselves and last night we hung out with his family and then my family some too.  Today we’ll be hanging out with more of my family and doing a barbecue and games.  We might go and see Pirates 3 with his family in the afternoon today too or later on this week with my family, but I’m set on seeing Pirates 3 for sure this week.

Since Cory and I have been back together and around each other again, we’ve had some good times with talking about things and we’ve had some romantic moments too that were unexpected.  It’s just one night this past week when we were talking, he looked at me and said you do realize that we only went up there to school for each other, right.  I, of course, didn’t realize at first what he was saying so I started saying I had other reasons for why I went up there to go to school and all.  Then he looked at me and shook his head and said no, we went up there to find each other and that was what it was all really for…and he sat and gazed at me for a minute with this look and I was overwhelmed by how much love was in his eyes when he looked at me…and then he said and ya know after going up there and going through all that dumb school stuff and what not, it was all worth it because at least I got you.

Another night when we were together after that time, he said to me, I just can’t wait until we can go to sleep together and I want to sleep holding you in my arms because it makes me feel whole, happy and safe to have you in my arms and hear your heartbeat.  One other night, we were talking and he said well we should get you home now and I said, but I am already home and he looked at me for a minute and I said I feel like I’m home in your arms…it’s the one place I feel most at home and he said I know, I feel the same way.

I know, it’s disgusting, all mushy and romantic, huh, but I feel like one of the luckiest people alive because I have him.  I feel complete and whole with him and at home in his arms…he makes me feel safe and happy and he’s always there for me.  I’ve never had this with anyone else, never had anyone feel this way about me and I’ve never felt this way about anyone…it’s like the most amazing thing that’s ever happened and that I’ve ever experienced.

Anyway, that’s more or less what’s been going on with me and everything else in my life for now.  I hope everyone’s been having a great Memorial Day weekend and doing good…I promise to try to do better with blogging this week and not slack off so much again =).