I’m Still Here

Don’t worry…if you’ve been wondering if I’m still around or not…I am still around. I just haven’t posted in a few months or so because I haven’t had or felt like I had anything pressing to write about lately.

That and I was pretty sick, like way bad and so not fun nausea/morning sickness for the past few months…I’ve just gotten over the being so sick phase and having to rely on anti-nausea medication to eat/drink within the past month.

Needless to say I’m really happy the really sick part of the pregnancy is pretty much over. Of course, I still have to watch what I eat and so forth so I don’t eat the wrong thing or what not and get sick again. I also still take my anti-nausea medication once in a blue moon if I feel it’s needed, but I’m pretty much off the medication unless absolutely necessary now so things have improved with that drastically, which I’m very grateful for cause I don’t think I could handle how sick I was for very much longer than I did.

I am/have been speculating that it might or should be a boy cause of how sick I was cause I was never that bad with either of my girls and some other random things, but I don’t know what it is yet.

But trust me, I will be finding out if it’s a boy or a girl…I’m going in for an ultrasound this coming Tues, Jun.7…next week…in just a few days.

Here’s to hoping we will be able to find out if it’s a boy or a girl on Tues :).

Other than that, there hasn’t been a ton going on…both my girls are doing good as are their families. I’ve recently talked/emailed etc with both of my girls moms within the past little while.

They’re both really excited for me and want to know what’s going on with me, Hubby and the baby as things happen and they both can’t wait to find out if I’m having a boy/girl and so forth.

Anyway, things are still going good with both my girls and their families and our relationships/friendships as far as the adoption front goes. Things are also still good with Hubby and I and now things are good/much better with me, baby and pregnancy since I’m not dying/way sick anymore.

Other than that, there’s a few other life things/family things going on here and there that are just a part of life.

So, I’m alive, I’m good and everything’s pretty much fine…and I haven’t had much to say lately on here so there ya go.

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Lookie Here!

I can blog from my phone now too if I want!  Wheee, this is too much fun, all this playing and figuring out my new android phone!

So yeah I’m just a little hyper and having fun with my new gadget toy here lol.

Hope everyone’s having fun =).

Happy New Year!!!

Happy New Year everyone!!! 2011 is going to be a good year…I have a good feeling about it.

Hope everyone’s had good times for the Holidays. We had a visit with Sweet Pea’s parents last night, just us two and her mom and dad…we hung out, played some Wii games, talked, Sweet Pea’s mom showed me some home movies and pictures too…I saw the home movie of Sweet Pea (6) finishing the scavenger hunt that Sweet Pea’s mom did to tell Sweet Pea and her sister about their trip to Disneyland…which they’re going end of Jan/beginning of Feb.

It’ll be Sweet Pea’s first time to Disneyland and she’s WAY excited for it lol. I watched the home movie and couldn’t stop smiling and laughing at Sweet Pea running around and bouncing up and down all so freakin excited for Disneyland. It was awesome to see the little home movie of her reaction to finding out about their trip to Disneyland and the way her face lit up and was so full of joy and happiness…it’s seeing and hearing about things like that with Sweet Pea (6) as well as Miss Bookworm (7 1/2) that I absolutely LOVE and continually remind and give me peace of mind about them doing so well, being so loved and everything with their families.

Anyway, Hopefully Hubby will be getting a job soon and it’s a job he’d like doing and not just a job to earn money so we’re keeping our fingers crossed for that plus he’s doing great with his online schooling also.

So, we’re doing good, hanging in there and had a great Christmas and New Years etc. Hoping for things to keep going well and improve so here’s to 2011 being a great year :).

Surreal

I just have had a few interesting thoughts in my head since yesterday that I thought I’d write down briefly.

And the one word that was going through my head with all of the thoughts was surreal…see yesterday I went with Hubby to a town’s craft fair/festivities because Sweet Pea’s (5) mom and friend had a booth of their jewelry up for display and Sweet Pea’s mom invited Hubby and me to come and see her and the jewelry so we did.

It was lots of fun and totally awesome going up there and seeing her with her friend and their jewelry booth, hugging her and talking with her and her friend and then with her younger sister who had come to see the booth etc. too. But it was just a couple times when we were standing around talking, helping with cleaning up the jewelry booth etc. and then going over to their family’s cabin to sit and talk for a little while before we headed back home that once in a while I had some interesting different thoughts flitting through my mind.

First was when we were talking, laughing, joking together while we were cleaning and I stopped and looked at the scene before me and thought this is kinda weird/surreal…I’m hanging out and joking with my daughter’s mom/other mom and my daughter’s aunt and we’re all okay with it and like it’s totally normal even though if you look at the details of how we came to be friends and know each other…it isn’t ‘totally normal’ at least not to most people, but it is a kind of normal to me…it was just kind of a weird thought moment for me.

Another weird thought moment was when Sweet Pea’s mom was showing me around their family’s cabin and in the back of my mind I was thinking, this is where my daughter plays and is making memories for herself with her family. So, I was having those kinds of weird random thoughts/moments…a few of them when we were hanging out with Sweet Pea’s mom, Sweet Pea’s aunt and their neighbor/friend. It was another different experience, different, but good and well…just interesting…if ya know what I mean.

Also the other day before we went to the craft fair thing and hung out with Sweet Pea’s mom and the few others…I found myself thinking that I envy the neighbors and close friends of Sweet Pea’s mom, the ones she sees every week because I wish I could be her neighbor and see her more often than I do…I love all the time we get to spend together and talk, but I always want to spend more time and talk more because we get along so well and are so close like we are, but sometimes I wish I had met Sweet Pea’s mom in a different way…if that makes sense.  Just like sometimes I wish I had met Bookworm’s mom in a different way, for much of the same reasons…just some more random, weird, interesting thoughts here :p.

Thinking About…

…well I’m thinking about quite a few things, but don’t know how to write or what exactly I want to write about them all just now.

These things have been going on/through my head for a bit now, but haven’t figured out quite how to write some of them or what to write exactly so…I’ll write some and think on it more and see if more detailed posts come later.

1. I’ve been thinking and wondering how things turned out and are going for Bookworm (7) and her mom now that I think the divorce is final and they’ve moved to their own place. I just sent a message/e-mail asking Bookworm’s mom about things so hopefully I’ll get a reply and/or talk to her on chat or something again soon to get updated.

2. It struck me the other day when I was sitting thinking about various things that not everyone always remembers that adoption is not about or not supposed to be about anyone but the child…I placed my two girls for adoption because it was about them and what I felt/thought was right and best for them not me, not my family and not anyone else. I get tired of trying to be all politically correct and respectful of everyone who may disagree with me and my choice to have placed both my girls etc. etc…and I realized it shouldn’t matter to me too much about other people and what they think…what matters is my girls and what they think and feel and what is best for them period.

3. It seems kind of strange to me, but for some reason recently…I’ve been having different kinds of revelations and/or light bulb moments that are significant especially to myself, but also somewhat to life in general and such.

4. One of these so called light bulb moments that I experienced recently that finally surfaced and I could finally make sense of it and put words to it that made sense…was not one that was particularly a ‘happy’ light bulb moment…it was in regards to my mother. I finally vocalized and discussed it with Hubby and put it into words that if I were to be completely honest/truthful with myself…my mother has a whole lot more of a part in the reasons why I placed both my girls than I have admitted or perhaps realized to myself until recently. If I’m completely truthful, my mother is at least a major third of the reasons being at least one of the three major reasons why I ended up placing both times. There is so much more to this one…it should and most likely will end up getting its own post sometime soon…once I’ve worked it out some more in my head and in talking with others.

5. I’ve been watching “Secret Life of an American Teenager” and it’s like a freakin train wreck that I can’t look away from…first they have one girl who’s 15 get pregnant, keep and parent/co-parent with the guy and now they’re having another girl that is pregnant and wanting to get an abortion. It’s just wow, so much of this emotionally charged stuff in a show, ya know and I don’t know what to think about it…sometimes I think good sometimes bad…but it definitely can be a show that has a few triggers for me to say the least, if ya know what I mean.

6. Another revelation I had in regards to my mother after all the crap with FB as I mentioned previously etc. and so on…that I discussed with Hubby as well is that we have mentioned and talked with one another before about different guidelines for my mother’s involvement in my/our children’s lives, but we also have said that we want to try to do our best so that our kids will respect my mother and not think she’s an irritating know it all witch because my sister’s kids think my mother/their grandmother is a witch and they don’t like her or respect her much at all, but my mother doesn’t seem to like or show much respect to any of my sister’s kids either. Anyway, the point is Hubby and I have mentioned previously that we want to have our kids be nice and respectful to my mother as their grandmother and not think she’s a witch, but recently when discussing my mother and such…I have come to the conclusion and mentioned to Hubby that realistically I don’t know how well or how much control we will have over our kids being and staying nice and respectful to my mother…not if she continues to act and treat myself, Hubby, and others badly as she does. We can do our best to instill the behaviors and manners to be nice and respectful to their grandmother, but overall and in the long run…it is up to my mother how my/our children will end up thinking of her and treating her…if she treats them like she treats me, they will think she’s a witch and have issues with her like I do…if she treats them nicely and with respect, they will do the same back…but it’s all up to my mother and how she treats our kids (once we have them that is…hopefully soon…).

7. I was thinking/reading on an adoption forum etc. the other day about how it is for mothers who placed their children in the closed adoption era and how some mothers kept their children secret. Also how some adoptees never get to meet their birth parents because they die before the adoptee finds them and I was comparing it…though it doesn’t compare equally…to how it is for me since I placed my two girls and have the different levels of openness that I do with each of my girls and their families, which keeps changing for the better over time. And I was talking with Hubby about it and was like interesting how it was for mothers and the children they placed back in the closed era to how it is now for me and some others who have placed recently because with myself…there’s no way I would ever think or would have ever been told to keep my girls a secret like a lot of mothers were told back in the closed era and I have two little girls and their families that I have to answer to right here and right now. I already have at least one of my girls, Bookworm, asking me things every once in a while…wanting to know if Sweet Pea (5) knows about her yet and what she likes, if they like the same things etc. and once Hubby and I do have a baby as soon as they are born/a couple years old they will start learning about their two sisters out there…of course, it will all be on their level of learning at their different ages…but I know that as soon as I have another child, both my girls, but especially the older, Bookworm, will want to know if my other child, their sibling knows about them so even if I ever thought about waiting to tell the kids I will have until they were older about Bookworm and Sweet Pea…I can’t because I have to answer to Bookworm and Sweet Pea now because we communicate and they ask questions and will ask questions as they grow up. I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like, how hard it is or was for all the mothers who placed their children in the closed era…I don’t know if I could have placed in the closed era…I really don’t…it makes all the difference in the world to me to have the levels of openness that I do with both my girls and their families and to be able to develop our relationships/friendships and keep updated on each other the way we can as we go through life instead of having to find out things from them all at once when they find me when they’re older, ya know.

So, you can see I’ve had a lot going through my head to think on lately and at least I wrote this for all these recent thoughts for now. Also…I just found a few flying ants in our kitchen…not happy about that…going to have spray, set ant traps or something cause insects of any kind, but especially flying ants is not acceptable here – nope, nope, nope :p.

A few things to say here

Okay so I have a couple or so things floating around in my head along with somewhat strong emotions attached to some of them.

At first it was just one or two things that I thought no big deal…I don’t need to write about them. Then it was a few more things so here I am doing kind of a rambling/list post of sorts I guess you’d call it.

Here goes…first of all…some of you may not like to hear this…but it is what it is…

1. I am LDS as in I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, which I believe and know for myself to be true and I believe and know Christ lives and loves us. I also know that Heavenly Father lives and loves us and that Jesus Christ died on the cross and atoned for our sins. I am not ashamed of God or my belief in God or my religion…if you don’t like it, that’s your choice, but this is a very huge part of who I am, how I live and look at things and also always has been, is and always will be a major part of my life. I want to make sure you know this as to helping you to know me and see where I am coming from and keep your negative LDS/mormon comments to yourself. If you want to write about how all LDS people and our church is all bad etc. then go ahead, but don’t expect me to agree or support that point of view and don’t lump all LDS people into the same category because we are not all the same bad, evil and/or narrow minded people you think we are.

2. Not only am I LDS (Mormon), but I live in Utah and I use to not like it here, but now I do and once again I don’t like being lumped in with how some of you think all the LDS people or all the people in Utah are. Also for the most part, I support the adoption laws here, but I support them coming from my point of view, which is not the same as some of yours. I support them coming from the standpoint that if they hadn’t been there when I placed my two girls…it would have been a lot worse of a situation specifically when I placed my second daughter. With when I placed my first daughter, it wasn’t that much of a big deal to me about the adoption laws etc. because the guy – her bio guy as I refer to him…just walked away and never did anything. But with my second daughter and that second guy, I am glad the adoption law was the way it was or I would have had that much more to go through and deal with in regards to that psycho guy trying to mess things up. And he was a psycho, stalker, emotionally, verbally abusive etc. so it would have been a bad thing for him to have more of a chance to use his rights.

So, my situations and my standpoint/viewpoint are different and that is a lot of why I am glad that the adoption laws here in Utah were/are the way they are because it was a good thing in my situations.

Of course, it’s not always a good thing, but the thing is I didn’t move here from another state when I had and placed my two girls either. I did everything legally from my being here, living here and staying in the same state when I got pregnant, was pregnant and then placed both times. Also both times, I told both guys and they both had the chance to assert their rights etc., but neither of them did…the second guy threatened to do what you need to…told me he would, but he never did.

So, like I said, for me and my girls the adoption laws here in Utah were a good thing.

3. I don’t acknowledge the bio guys on Father’s Day because they aren’t Fathers of any kind to either of my girls and they never were. Maybe they are to other children now and maybe they’ll be different If and When my two girls ever want to know about them years from now, but right now they’re not and never were. They have biological connections to my girls and that’s it…and yes I still have some anger with the guys that I still process through and deal with better some days than others.

4. I also have a little more anger behind the anger I deal with toward the bio guys and all the jerky guys I’ve known right now etc. because Bookworm’s parents just got/are going through their divorce because the adad was a disgusting jerk and major disappointment.

5. The other night I was at my parents house to celebrate my Dad’s birthday and I saw a piece of paper by my Dad’s desk in their office room. On that piece of paper was a list of grandchildren by name and their birthdays…Bookworm (7) and Sweet Pea (5) were on the list and I thought that was way cool so I told my Dad I thought that was cool. My Dad said, of course, I have to keep track of all my grandkids and their bdays and then just observing, I said “hey you don’t have C.S.’s name and bday on there” referring to the son my sister placed for adoption about 25 yrs ago now. My Dad said back to me, “yeah I sometimes wonder and think about him and how he turned out etc.” and to which my mother said, “well, we don’t have any pictures of him or know anything about him so of course we don’t have him on our birthday list etc.”

I just stared dumbfounded at my mother when she said that because I was like seriously you don’t have a picture of one of my nephews or know anything about him so he doesn’t count in the family?? What kind of logic is that anyway!?! And then I thought so if I stop giving you pictures or telling you about my two girls, are they going to get erased from the birthday list now…I mean seriously. Why doesn’t she just say oh that part of you is rejected to my sister about that son because that’s what it would feel like and sometimes does feel like to me that she doesn’t accept my two girls as part of the family or doesn’t accept that part of me…not the way my Dad, my Hubby, his family, some others of my family and everyone else accepts that part of me anyway, but then what do I expect from my mother *rolls eyes*.

6. Father’s Day is My Birthday this year…I’m glad to share it with my Father, who is the most awesome Dad ever…of course I might be a little biased ha ha. But my Dad is one of my Heroes and yes I’m a Daddy’s girl through and through. I’m very close with my Dad and he and I have a great relationship/friendship…and he’s always been there for me and been like a rock for me and we’ve learned and grown a lot together through all the ups and downs in life. I can’t imagine having any better/more awesome of a Dad than I do.

So, with Father’s Day and my Birthday being the same day – it’s a celebration for two pretty cool people if I do say so myself and I do – My Dad and I :D! My Dad and his Dad and my mom’s Dad and all the other awesome Dad’s out there are the ones I recognize and choose to celebrate that day.

7. And Finally my last thing to say here…I think I had a little more to say than I thought lol, but anyway. My last thing here is to say that I’m finally really getting into serious mode about wanting and being ready to really try for having a baby and starting a family. It’s been a process and a journey to this point, which is far from over, but I’m just now feeling ready/starting to feel really ready for taking this jump in life and getting more baby hungry lately lol :p. I’m also getting excited even though it’s also rather scary at the thought of having a baby that I bring home and raise myself, but I’m excited to do it with my Hubby cause I think he’ll be a great Daddy just like my own Daddy one day :D.

Some Thoughts

I’ve been thinking of what to write for my next post/entry here on my blog and been at a loss so to speak…as in I’m in that state the last few days or so where you feel like you don’t have anything to say and at the same time you have too much to say, but don’t know which to say or write about, ya know.

I keep having different thoughts etc. running through my head as starts to lots of different possible entries, but nothing as in a whole entry comes out. It’s just partially deciding what I want/feel like writing here and what I want to write somewhere else more private and what I don’t want to write ever, but then again I’ve written and lived a lot of what I wish I didn’t write ever so who knows ya know.

For example, there’s lots of entries I could write about my mother and one about how she’s made it that much more of an irritating thing and added to some of my emotional overload at times about Miss Bookworm (7 yr. old) and the news I recently found out about her aparents getting divorced. I mean seriously my mother should learn some freaking patience already and how to give people space.

Then there’s my still processing though I’ve processed the initial shock and digestion of the details of Bookworm’s aparents divorce, but I don’t want to put that sensitive stuff out there for everyone to see and at the same time I do cause I’m just disgusted at what the adad did and everything that lead to this divorce.

And there’s this stupid weather, I mean what’s up with this seriously…snow two weeks ago and now 80 degrees. I mean seriously, does the weather have issues much or anything.

Also there’s lots of other things, more personal and otherwise etc. and my planning to apply and hopefully go back to school online this fall. There’s also about Hubby looking for work and going to a class to figure out what to do about possibly starting his own business fixing computers and such from home.

And there’s how I was thinking just a few weeks or a month ago about stopping blogging and taking a break or something, but then not long after I was thinking about that all of a sudden here I was/am again blogging all over the place again. Then I realized I’m probably not ready to take a break from blogging or anything like that now although part of me wondered if it would make any difference to anyone if I stopped blogging or not. I thought it’s no big deal if you blog or don’t blog or who reads it or doesn’t, but it does matter…well as in it matters to me if I blog or not and if I read and write what I need to or not because pretty much I write here for me.

Of course, I’ve learned that there are a few people who enjoy my blog perhaps more than I thought and I have found a lot of blogs I enjoy reading and learning from also. So, you can see I’ve had a lot of thoughts I’ve been thinking of writing, but not forming well into nice pretty complete posts so here they are all together.

Perhaps, I’ll be able to form one or more of them into its own entry in the next while…according to whatever comes to mind with these topics and thoughts that is.

Decisions, decisions hmm

Still trying to decide on nicknames or pet names to use for referring to my 5 and 7 yr. old here and not coming up with much of anything that is striking me as the nicknames that would best fit them.

I do have a few possibilities…and still looking for more. So far, here’s what I’ve thought of using:

For my 5 yr. old – Sweet Pea, Princess, Little Miss Brainy

For my 7 yr. old – Punkin/Pumpkin, Miss Bookworm, Little Miss or just Miss Brilliant

So, What do you think out of the choices I have here?

Edited to add:  I’ve decided to go with Sweet Pea for my 5 yr. old and it’s between Bookworm or Smarty Pants for my 7 yr. old…I’m not sure which one sounds better…which do you think?

Bring Baby Evelyn Home!!!

I just signed the petition, have you signed it yet? Click on the link below and sign the petition if you haven’t already.http://www.thepetitionsite.com/takeaction/828030483

If you don’t know the story behind this then click on some blogs on my links list and get filled in…

 

You can check on Kim’s blog here, http://reunionwritings.wordpress.com or on Claud’s blog here, http://musingsofthelame.blogspot.com or on Nicole’s blog here, http://paragraphein.wordpress.com and read up on the story.

 

Please make sure to check the story out and sign the petition so we can help bring Baby Evelyn home to her family.  We still need about 600 signatures so make sure to sign and/or post the petition link on your blog and help out please!

Thanks.