Sweet Pea is 6 years old today.

It’s her birthday again…already…I can’t believe she’s 6 years old now, well technically, she turns 6 at 5:01 p.m., but that’s just a technicality :p. Time just keeps on flying by, it seems.

She’s in Kindergarten now and doing awesome with school and everything. She mentioned me for the first time to her mom, asking about me and seeing me.

She’s so cute and getting to be such a big girl already. And things are still going great and continually staying good/improving with my relationship/friendship with Sweet Pea’s parents/family and everything.

Unfortunately I didn’t get to go to the Boutique jewelry event and see Sweet Pea’s mom like I had hoped to do because of both Hubby and I being sick…yes, still.

Although Hubby and I are starting to feel somewhat better now and hopefully we’ll finish getting better and stay better, but we’ll see how things go with that.

I have decided though, side note here, that this time of year (Thanksgiving time and all etc.) and I don’t get along so well all the time. I think this time of year with the weather/germs or something has it out for me. I mean this year, I was/am sick with cold/sore throat/cough, last year was the flu, quite a few years ago I had strep throat a few times this time of year it seems, if I’m remembering right.

Then there was the year, 6 years ago, on 11-21, that I had Sweet Pea and it was all very bittersweet especially back then. So, you might see why I think this time of year doesn’t seem to like me very much.

Sweet Pea’s birthday is still somewhat bittersweet even now…but much, much less than it was back then and it varies how my emotions are on her birthday as well as every day.

I’m excited to hear if Sweet Pea likes the birthday present I sent this year because I think it’s so cute and I think/hope she’ll love it. It’s the cutest music box ever!

It’s interesting when I think about it now, but I think, in a way, I appreciate and have more joy over Sweet Pea and her Birthdays now as she keeps growing up and becoming her own little person and everything. I don’t think I had as much appreciation, joy or realization of how much joy, love and appreciation I would have for Sweet Pea when she was born and I was going through the bittersweet time.

I don’t know if that made any sense, but what I’m trying to say is that I have more love, joy and appreciation for Sweet Pea and her birthday now than I did because when she was born, I had too many emotions, a lot of them that were very hard and more negative then positive since I was seeing/feeling so much loss and pain and not as much positive, happy at that point in time back then.

Anyway, the point is that my appreciation, love and joy for Sweet Pea, herself, her birth/birthday and her family has grown and continues to grow in leaps and bounds the more time that passes and the more our friendship/relationships continue to grow in the positive, healthy way that they are growing.

I hope that Sweet Pea has the best birthday ever this year and that all her dreams come true today and always. Happy Birthday, Sweet Pea!!! I’ll be thinking of her today, sending her all my love as always with lots of hugs and kisses.

Ramblings

I’m here…have a few different things going through my head that I’m thinking would likely make pretty good posts once I can think coherently enough to write it down the way I want.

I’ve been thinking and working through some more stages, I guess you could say, of healing and dealing with grief/life and being married/hoping to have children relatively soon lately. Also it’s Sweet Pea’s birthday in a week, well technically less than a week on 11-21 and there’s that thrown in there with my emotions and all lately as well.

I’m having all sorts of fun with sickie germs right now and have for the past few days thanks to when I recently saw my parents, this past Tuesday, and my Dad passed his lovely germs/cold etc. onto me. Also Hubby has them now too and since he has asthma…he’s been feeling it some in his chest and such…what fun for him don’t ya think :p.

Anyway, I’m hangin in there and doing pretty good all things considered for now. Thinking about returning to the realm of helping out with doing presentations at local high schools, junior high schools etc…but nervous about it and part of me doesn’t want to go back to doing it again. I did it for a year in the past already and I feel like I probably need to do it again for me and to help educate others and so forth, but I don’t really like putting myself out there like that all the time either so trying to work through my thoughts/feelings on that recently too.

Also, I have a whole bunch of thoughts on the saying, “Adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary situation”, which have been on my mind for quite some time now.

So, lots going on with my thoughts/life and all recently although it doesn’t always seem like there’s that much going on when I look at things until I sit down to write/think about it all and realize there is more going on then when I initially look at things.

This week/weekend should be interesting…possibly a rollercoaster ride because of buying/mailing Sweet Pea’s birthday package etc. and then her birthday. Then because most likely I will be seeing/saying Hi to Sweet Pea’s mom this weekend…not seeing Sweet Pea, but her mom with a boutique get together thing for her jewelry business etc. again so that could be interesting depending on where my thoughts/emotions are and all.

Then I get to go meet people I have not yet met from Hubby’s family while doing Thanksgiving next week with the in-laws so wheee, time to get in the rollercoaster and strap on my seat belt, I suppose :).

A few things to say here

Okay so I have a couple or so things floating around in my head along with somewhat strong emotions attached to some of them.

At first it was just one or two things that I thought no big deal…I don’t need to write about them. Then it was a few more things so here I am doing kind of a rambling/list post of sorts I guess you’d call it.

Here goes…first of all…some of you may not like to hear this…but it is what it is…

1. I am LDS as in I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, which I believe and know for myself to be true and I believe and know Christ lives and loves us. I also know that Heavenly Father lives and loves us and that Jesus Christ died on the cross and atoned for our sins. I am not ashamed of God or my belief in God or my religion…if you don’t like it, that’s your choice, but this is a very huge part of who I am, how I live and look at things and also always has been, is and always will be a major part of my life. I want to make sure you know this as to helping you to know me and see where I am coming from and keep your negative LDS/mormon comments to yourself. If you want to write about how all LDS people and our church is all bad etc. then go ahead, but don’t expect me to agree or support that point of view and don’t lump all LDS people into the same category because we are not all the same bad, evil and/or narrow minded people you think we are.

2. Not only am I LDS (Mormon), but I live in Utah and I use to not like it here, but now I do and once again I don’t like being lumped in with how some of you think all the LDS people or all the people in Utah are. Also for the most part, I support the adoption laws here, but I support them coming from my point of view, which is not the same as some of yours. I support them coming from the standpoint that if they hadn’t been there when I placed my two girls…it would have been a lot worse of a situation specifically when I placed my second daughter. With when I placed my first daughter, it wasn’t that much of a big deal to me about the adoption laws etc. because the guy – her bio guy as I refer to him…just walked away and never did anything. But with my second daughter and that second guy, I am glad the adoption law was the way it was or I would have had that much more to go through and deal with in regards to that psycho guy trying to mess things up. And he was a psycho, stalker, emotionally, verbally abusive etc. so it would have been a bad thing for him to have more of a chance to use his rights.

So, my situations and my standpoint/viewpoint are different and that is a lot of why I am glad that the adoption laws here in Utah were/are the way they are because it was a good thing in my situations.

Of course, it’s not always a good thing, but the thing is I didn’t move here from another state when I had and placed my two girls either. I did everything legally from my being here, living here and staying in the same state when I got pregnant, was pregnant and then placed both times. Also both times, I told both guys and they both had the chance to assert their rights etc., but neither of them did…the second guy threatened to do what you need to…told me he would, but he never did.

So, like I said, for me and my girls the adoption laws here in Utah were a good thing.

3. I don’t acknowledge the bio guys on Father’s Day because they aren’t Fathers of any kind to either of my girls and they never were. Maybe they are to other children now and maybe they’ll be different If and When my two girls ever want to know about them years from now, but right now they’re not and never were. They have biological connections to my girls and that’s it…and yes I still have some anger with the guys that I still process through and deal with better some days than others.

4. I also have a little more anger behind the anger I deal with toward the bio guys and all the jerky guys I’ve known right now etc. because Bookworm’s parents just got/are going through their divorce because the adad was a disgusting jerk and major disappointment.

5. The other night I was at my parents house to celebrate my Dad’s birthday and I saw a piece of paper by my Dad’s desk in their office room. On that piece of paper was a list of grandchildren by name and their birthdays…Bookworm (7) and Sweet Pea (5) were on the list and I thought that was way cool so I told my Dad I thought that was cool. My Dad said, of course, I have to keep track of all my grandkids and their bdays and then just observing, I said “hey you don’t have C.S.’s name and bday on there” referring to the son my sister placed for adoption about 25 yrs ago now. My Dad said back to me, “yeah I sometimes wonder and think about him and how he turned out etc.” and to which my mother said, “well, we don’t have any pictures of him or know anything about him so of course we don’t have him on our birthday list etc.”

I just stared dumbfounded at my mother when she said that because I was like seriously you don’t have a picture of one of my nephews or know anything about him so he doesn’t count in the family?? What kind of logic is that anyway!?! And then I thought so if I stop giving you pictures or telling you about my two girls, are they going to get erased from the birthday list now…I mean seriously. Why doesn’t she just say oh that part of you is rejected to my sister about that son because that’s what it would feel like and sometimes does feel like to me that she doesn’t accept my two girls as part of the family or doesn’t accept that part of me…not the way my Dad, my Hubby, his family, some others of my family and everyone else accepts that part of me anyway, but then what do I expect from my mother *rolls eyes*.

6. Father’s Day is My Birthday this year…I’m glad to share it with my Father, who is the most awesome Dad ever…of course I might be a little biased ha ha. But my Dad is one of my Heroes and yes I’m a Daddy’s girl through and through. I’m very close with my Dad and he and I have a great relationship/friendship…and he’s always been there for me and been like a rock for me and we’ve learned and grown a lot together through all the ups and downs in life. I can’t imagine having any better/more awesome of a Dad than I do.

So, with Father’s Day and my Birthday being the same day – it’s a celebration for two pretty cool people if I do say so myself and I do – My Dad and I :D! My Dad and his Dad and my mom’s Dad and all the other awesome Dad’s out there are the ones I recognize and choose to celebrate that day.

7. And Finally my last thing to say here…I think I had a little more to say than I thought lol, but anyway. My last thing here is to say that I’m finally really getting into serious mode about wanting and being ready to really try for having a baby and starting a family. It’s been a process and a journey to this point, which is far from over, but I’m just now feeling ready/starting to feel really ready for taking this jump in life and getting more baby hungry lately lol :p. I’m also getting excited even though it’s also rather scary at the thought of having a baby that I bring home and raise myself, but I’m excited to do it with my Hubby cause I think he’ll be a great Daddy just like my own Daddy one day :D.

It’s Her Birthday This Sunday…

In two days, one of my girls I placed, will turn 7 yrs. old…how did that happen…where does the time go?

It’s hard to believe it’s been that long…that long for me in this whole ‘adoption world’…7 yrs…it’s wild.

And as usual, I have different emotions going on with her birthday time and all…but still it’s not as painful or hard to deal with, at least in some ways, compared to 2-3 years ago anyway.

Some things that make it better are that I’m married to a good guy, nice guy…that matches me and we get along great…and that I have contact with both my girls and their families via FB, e-mail/letters, mailing packages, etc…and that I recently had a little bit of a convo with my girl who’s turning 7 and she told me a little bit of her day that day and how she was excited to meet me etc. one day, which means a lot to me, ya know.

Another thing that makes it better, but is also kinda scary as well is that…we (hubby and I) are talking/planning to start our family soon…so that idea and plan makes things interesting – scary, happy, exciting and freaky all at once kind of thing, ya know.

And things are good for me, with me and my life overall…and with both my girls and their familes and all our relationships/friendships and in the next couple weeks, I’ll be hanging out with my 5 yr. old’s parents again…which I’m really excited about too.

There are just a lot of good things going on and in my life right now…so it makes dealing with birthday times of both my girls easier now than it use to be, ya know.

But don’t get me wrong, there’s still sadness and that bittersweet feeling underlying there around their birthdays…it just is what it is, ya know.

After 5 Years…

It’s all still here…all the pain, sadness, happiness…the bitter with the sweet…I can still remember clearly holding my baby girl in my arms and the bitter with the sweet when thinking of her and those few days I had before I placed her in the arms of her parents.

I was talking to my Dad on the phone a little bit ago and we were talking about how we can’t believe it’s been 5 years already…where does the time go…how does it go so fast and then I’ve wondered how I’ve kept going sometimes without my girls…5 years without A, who’s birthday it is today and 3 years without K…how has that much time passed…

While my Dad and I were talking we were remembering the dreary weather that weekend 5 years ago when A was born and I remembered for the first time in quite some time…some parts I’ve blocked out…of the pain and the emotions I felt and how it was for me when I went home alone without my little girl and woke up that first morning after alone without her too…and now I understand why I haven’t remembered and have blocked those memories and emotions out for a while like I have…cause having thought and remembered them now…brings it all back and my heart is hurting again *sighs*.

I can’t believe she’s 5 years old today and going to start kindergarten this year and she’s growing up without me…oh I knew this is what I signed up for when I placed her…but it just hits you different on their birthdays for some reason…

I still remember sitting by her in the nursery when I couldn’t sleep and how she was having trouble sleeping that night too so I stayed with her a while and how her little hand wrapped around my finger and then she could sleep.  How could I not remember that powerful moment and memory…when I felt the strength of the mother/daughter bond with her little hand on mine and now she’s 5 years old…it just blows my mind.

I hope all her dreams come true and that she gets my birthday presents in the mail today.  I still have to write her birthday letter and e-mail it asap…I just wish it didn’t have to be so emotional and hard at times to write the birthday letters.

I’m already emotional…trying not to be ha ha…like it’s possible to not be emotional on their birthdays.

Anyway…I’m trying to think of things to say for the birthday letter…and like I wrote when it was K’s birthday in November…I just miss her…so much…and it seems like I’ve said it all before so I never know what else I can say other than simply I miss her so so much.

Happy Birthday to my little Princess…I hope all your dreams come true (((HUGS))) to you on your special day =).

Stay Tuned…

I have a lot on my mind…tons lately and have talked and talked about it all…but was thinking I should sit and write some if not all of these thoughts, happenings etc. down so stay tuned cause I’ll be writing a bit within this next week, I think.

I’d write a whole lot more right now…but it’s really late or whatever you want to say and I should get some sleep before I have to get up for work soon :p.

I just have had a whirlwind happen in my life for the past 2-3 weeks it seems and there’s a lot to say etc. with one relationship having ended and another one having begun and the difference between them or rather how different the one that’s begun is than the one that ended.  Then there’s A’s b-day coming up in March…she’ll be 5 years old already that filters in with everything and all the emotions plus a few other things, but yeah so you have an idea of all that I have on my mind lately that I probably should write all down as soon as possible within this week.

Anyway, gotta catch a little bit of sleep so nite nite for now :p.

I Miss Her…

What more is there to say? Her birthday is on Wednesday and she’s turning 3 years old. I just mailed her birthday packages to her family for her today and now I have to sit down sometime this week and write/e-mail a birthday letter to her.

The birthday letters are always hard and I always end up breaking down when I write them…anyway, I’ve said it all before and I keep feeling it…I don’t know how else to say it…

It just hit me today…tonight for some reason…but I really, really miss her a lot right now…I miss my baby girl who’s growin up so fast.

I have other things to update on…I know…but that’s all I have right now is that I’m missing her and my other girl too.

Hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving.

Quick Check In

No, I didn’t die and yes, I’m still here.  I’ve been busy with life, ya know how that goes and how life can keep you hoppin sometimes more than others.

Well and I recently moved into a new place and they haven’t fixed it so I can have my internet access up and running yet so I’ve had sporadic internet access lately which totally sucks!  I’m hoping to get it fixed SOON cause I’m dying without my internet here!

I’m on my boy’s computer at the moment while he’s at work so I got a little time with internet access to check in and catch up on things here…finally.

I’m going to be registering for classes this week and my classes will start in January.  I moved into a new place with roommates and they’re alright, but it’s just kinda different for me cause I haven’t lived with roomies much in my life and it’s kinda weird cause they’re all 18 and 19 and I’m 30 so yeah, but oh well.  They’re nice and all…just not exactly on the same page as me with life and all.

Anyway so I’m in this new place and getting ready to register and go back to school in January.  I’m still with the boy and we’re still working through things…we had  a really good, serious talk about things the other night and have been improving and doing better for the past week since we had that talk.  We still have a ways to go and all, but we’re headed in the right direction and getting back on track now.

I’m sending Halloween packages to my girls tomorrow – they’ll be late, but they’ll get them the same.  I’ve recently heard from both of them and got lots of pics from one of them, but not the other yet…she said she’d send me some pics soon so I’m waiting for them.

It’s coming up on one of my girls b-days again in November and dealing with the emotions that come out around the birthday again lately, it seems.  I just had a melt down in relation to that and other things last night with the boy talking to me about it all and listening to me.  I’m starting to think about what to write in her birthday letter and what to get her and I can’t believe she’s going to be 3 years old and the psycho ex that was involved with my second girl, who’s about to turn 3 has recently popped up again – he had one of his family members recently try to call my parents house, but I don’t live there anymore HA HA and they tried to pass themselves off as an “old friend” of mine just wondering what’s going on with me etc., but my Dad was asking them how they knew me and they wouldn’t say and he put two and two together cause he hadn’t recognized the name on the caller ID at first and said he couldn’t help them and hung up.  Then they made sure to block their phone number and that was that.

Other than that, I’m not sure what else to update on cause it’s been so long and I could really go on forever, but I just wanted to give a quick update for now until I hopefully get my internet hooked up in my new place within the next week or two here.

Hope everyone’s doing well :).

Check In Time

Just to let you know I’m still alive and around, I thought I’d better write something here.  I’ve been meaning to blog for a while now and had lots of things to say here, but haven’t quite known how to write them or it’s been late and I’ve been tired so I haven’t written.

Well and being on this rollercoaster lately with life and all, I haven’t always wanted to write down what I’ve thought because it hasn’t always been pretty or positive lately.  Let’s just say I have a lot to say, but if I do say it, it will most likely end up in a private password protected post for personal reasons, of course and I only let very few see those personal password protected posts most of the time.

If you ever want to ask me for a password, then feel free to, but I may not give it to you if I don’t know you that well or don’t feel comfortable with having a lot of people read it.  Just to let you know…well and out of respect to some people in my life I make some posts private and don’t broadcast things also, of course.

Anyway, enough of that, I’m feeling tired and just wish I could have a break from things with life and all sometimes, if ya know what I mean.  My birthday last week was a good one and I really don’t feel any different at 30 then I did at 29.  I went with my family and my boy out to play pretty much all day/all night on my birthday last week.  We went to the aquarium, out to eat at this fun restaurant and then to see the new Fantastic Four movie, which I really liked.  I enjoyed and had fun doing all those things on my birthday last week.

Also after eating my fruit pizza, which was like my birthday cake, and opening a few gifts…nothing big…my boy and I went off by ourselves to play miniature golf and hang out the rest of birthday day/night and then I got my gift from him.  I got a laundry basket from my parents…which I needed since my other one was falling apart and a new pair of summer jammies – green tinkerbell ones, which are fun.  I got a gift certificate to a day spa and some of my fave chocolate candy from my boy and then I’ve gotten a birthday present from my 2 1/2  yr old’s family so far, which was just a nice little dolphin statue, which I love, of course, since it was from them and I do love dolphins.  If I could, I’d love to swim with dolphins or train them or have them as friends/pets…it’s just that I don’t swim that well and I have a little bit of a fear with swimming in oceans and stuff.

Let’s see what else is there to check in with here, yesterday I went with the boy and my family up to my place and we spent pretty much all day yesterday up there moving everything out and cleaning my place out.  We got it all pretty much done and all my stuff pretty much moved out except a few things so I have to go back up there one more time to make sure everything’s out of the place, do one last check with the cleaning, leave my keys and forwarding address and make sure to turn off the utilities etc. and then I’m done.  So, yeah, part of the reason I’m so tired is because of spending all day yesterday moving stuff out of the place and doing all the cleaning and because my sleep schedule’s been a little off and I haven’t had as much sleep the past few days as I usually do.  Also I’m tired because of dealing with the rollercoaster of things emotionally and otherwise…it really can drain you sometimes, ya know…everything with life and all.

I just wish I could have a vacation from it all sometimes.  Oh and I had to take my car in the other day, which I need to try to go pick it up from the shop now that it’s done either today or tomorrow.   I had to take my car in because it needed a lube and oil, but also because I was having problems with the A/C, which I’ve had problems with this car and the A/C before since it is an older car – a 95 Honda Civic…it’s still a really good little car, but it’s getting older and sometimes I wonder how much longer it’s going to last before I’ll need to get a new(er) one.  Anyway, they found a leaky hose with the A/C so they had to order the part and it took a little longer to get fixed than we thought and they found that the last time my car had a lube and oil – whoever did that lube and oil took my air filter out of my car and didn’t put it back because there was no air filter in my car – nice, huh.  Gotta love car issues and some of the dumb lube and oil people.

And of course, on the job front, I’m still searching and applying and interviewing, but not always feeling like anything’s happening – there’s good and bad days with progress and all toward finding the right job for me lately.  I’m hanging in there and trying to keep pushing myself and all when sometimes I just want to give up, but I know the job that’s best for me is out there still and I feel that I will find it and this job searching will come to an end within the next little while or so here.  I don’t know…I just have a feeling that it will all work out in the end soon here so I’m doing my best to keep looking, working on it and hanging in there until I get my reprieve from the job search.

Also, I’m wanting to go hang out with a couple friends in Chicago if I can in July and I’m suppose to go to Lake Powell for a week sometime in July with the boy and his family if I can.  I’m not sure when the dates for both these trips will be, but I have an idea of possible dates for Chicago and if what the boy said yesterday is correct then there’s a possibility that the dates for these trips might be at the same time.  I really would like to do both, if I can, so I’m hoping the dates of the two possible trips here don’t conflict, but of course, I may end up finding a job and not going on either trip so we’ll see.

I’m still with the boy talking marriage in December, but it’s been a real rollercoaster with our relationship and all lately ever since the California sales job thing.  He and I have good days and bad days and sometimes I wish it was easier having a relationship, but ya know how it goes.  Anyway, I have a lot going on here, but some of it’s too personal to write here.

I hope all’s well with all of you and that you’re all hangin in there too with life and everything.

Coming Out of the Rut

Well I am finally coming out of the rut I seemed to have fallen in for the past while.  I am not really sure what happened, but somehow for, I think, a few different reasons I fell into a rut for the past while especially emotionally speaking.

I have started to finally get my bearings and re-ground myself again so that I am getting back to an okay place and feeling more at peace with things.  Now that some better weather and Spring has started to show itself a little more that has helped out with me and my state as well.  Also, my boyfriend, family, friends and all of you have helped out with cheering me on from the sidelines so thank you for that :).

Of course, I expect that I will still have some emotional rollercoaster effects and such within the next week or two because my oldest bdaughter will be turning 4 years old next week on Wednesday, March 14 and I still have to write the birthday letter to send to her with the birthday package.  I just bought my oldest bdaughters birthday presents the other day and had a little bit of some emotions surface as usual, but because I am feeling better and coming out of the rut I was in, I seemed to do better processing through some of the birthday emotions the other day.

I have started figuring out some things that I wasnt sure about and am feeling better about things with my life and the direction its going in general again.  I also decided to read through some books that I read through in the past and when I was in counseling before that helped me when I got in emotional ruts or needed to make peace and be okay with things.

The book I read just last night, which is a nice thoughtful short little one, is one Im thinking of reading more often to help me with my self-confidence and such.  Its called “My Beautiful Broken Shell” by Carol Hamblet Adams.  Another book on the list is “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie.  I think both these books are great ones to read and check out if you havent already.

Also two other books on my list to re-read are “The Peacegiver” by James L. Ferrell and “He Did Deliver Me from Bondage” by Colleen C. Harrison.  These are two great books that have helped me a lot just as the two I mentioned in the above paragraph also, but these two books are somewhat more religious and LDS-Mormon related than the ones above.  To give you a basic idea of what these two books are about in case you wondering, they are both books about Christ and how He can help you and how putting your faith and trust in him as well as using prayer etc. can help.  If you want to check them out then feel free, they are just books that have helped me in the past and so Im working on going through and re-reading them all again :).

Anyway I just am finally starting to feel and do better with things again and slowly getting my bearings and myself back to my okay place again.  I am starting to find and make peace with some things again and doing better on not beating myself up about the past again, which also with my working on reading these books again that is the focus of a lot of these books is how to forgive yourself, move forward with life and make peace or reconcile with things that are hard, which Im in the process of doing and finally making progress with again now :).

The road with healing and everything is a long one and hard at times, but you just have to keep at it, keep on going, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep on keepin on so that is where I am at and what is up with me lately :).