A Song I’d Like to Dedicate to My Mom

…among others in my life…past,present, future, who have, will or may try to tell me how to live my life etc….like the song says…”who died and made you king of anything?”

Sara Bareilles – King of Anything

Ow ow ow ooow

Keep drinkin coffee stare me down across the table
While I look outside
So many things I’d say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet and count the cars that pass by
You’ve got opinions man we’re all entitled to
But I never asked
So let me thank you for your time
And try not to waste any more of mine
And get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe
But I’m not drowning
There’s no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree, you are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died, and made you king of anything
Whoooo oooh

You sound so innocent all full of good intent
Swear you know best
But you expect me to jump up on board with you
Right off into your delusional sunset

I’m not the one who’s lost with no direction oh
But you’ll never see
You’re so busy making map
And put name on them in all caps
You’ve got the talking down
Just not the listening

Who cares if you disagree, you are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died, and made you king of anything

All my life I’ve tried
To make everybody happy while I
Just hurt and hide waitin for someone to tell me
It’s my turn to decide

(ow ow ow ow ooow)

Who cares if you disagree, you are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died, and made you king of anything oh
Who cares if you disagree, you are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died, and made you king of anything

Let me hold your crown babe
O-oooooh aaaaaaah

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Feeling Betrayed…

I know…that’s a big surprise…what with everything I’ve found out recently about my 7 yr. old’s parents getting divorced and all.

But yes, I’m still processing…and feeling a range of things as I probably will on and off for quite a while and maybe for the rest of my life when things pop up. As in new things that have to do with and be dealt with in regards to my 7 yr. old now coming from a divorced home and what not as she grows up.

The main thing is my being sad about this whole thing besides dealing with being angry and upset…because I feel betrayed and hurt by my 7 yr. old’s adad to be a little more specific…

I mean he betrayed his wife, my 7 yr. old’s mom, and he betrayed and hurt himself even more whether or not he realizes that yet, but most of all he betrayed and hurt his daughter, which is also my daughter. And there is where a lot of my feelings of betrayal and hurt come from besides the fact…that although he hasn’t thought of it and maybe never will think or realize it…he betrayed and hurt me…the other mother…but he probably doesn’t even realize or think of that.

My 7 yr. old’s mom has thought of that and apologized to me and felt bad that she’s had to tell me about them getting a divorce and the whole situation cause she knows that it affects me too. Even though it’s not as direct or maybe not as major to me as it is to them and to my 7 yr. old, she knows and understands that it does affect me as well. She knows that this isn’t what I wanted/hoped for for my 7 yr. old and I know that she didn’t want this for my 7 yr. old either that’s why we’re both her mother because we both love her and would do anything and everything we could for her and we both want what’s best for her.

But my 7 yr. old’s dad lost sight of that when he made some wrong choices that ultimately lead to this divorce and this situation that they’re now in.

And he’s hurt more people than he realizes or knows because my family feels it as well…this is another of those things that has more of a ripple effect that some/a lot of people realize or know sometimes.

It’s just the thing that I’m working through with my emotions etc. and thinking of lately that really has me feeling betrayed and hurt is that…

I trusted him…I gave him the ultimate thing when I placed my child with him and in his care for him to play the role of the father to her and he just threw it away now. Of course, it was gradual…and not all at once, but ultimately now he has thrown that away and I feel like he threw my trust out the window and stomped on it…whether he will ever see how he betrayed me and my trust as well as betraying and hurting the trust of his wife and my 7 yr. old, I don’t know, but he did.

My feeling of being betrayed, of course, doesn’t compare to how his wife, my 7 yr. old’s mom is feeling and what she has to process through and what my 7 yr. old will feel and perhaps have to process through one day, but on another level…it is there.

I trusted him completely and with my child and he betrayed me and that trust.

Not that it’s new, my trusting someone and being betrayed…I just never thought that my 7 yr. old’s adad would betray me and my trust in him this way.

I think part of why this is hard for me on some level and more to process through is because it also brings up some of my past when I trusted and was betrayed by my ex-husband and now by the adad of my 7 yr. old.

A little upset…

but it was another good/great Mother’s Day in spite of the upsetting information I got today.

I’m just disgusted with some men and pornography etc. I found out that porn is indeed the reason why my 7 yr. old’s parents are getting divorced. As in the adad was into porn and that’s just a way of simplifying it since I don’t really want to write out all the not pretty picture crap.

My 7 yr. old and her mom are moving soon and the sooner they move away from the adad and the divorce is final, the better is what I say.

Disgusting, I’m just disgusted and angry at/with the adad right now and I’ve been going through a range of emotions on and off dealing with the news that my 7 yr. old’s parents were getting divorced, but haven’t known where to direct my anger, but now I do.

A lot or most of my anger belongs directed at the adad as far as I’m concerned…he’s a sad, stupid excuse of a man…disgusting.

Have to say…

I’ve had a lot of posts forming and sitting in my mind, but haven’t written them out yet…but let’s just say I’ve been stressing because of my mother and everything so my fiance and I are going to go back down to stay with his parents for a week.

We’re going down there so I can get away from my mother and get a break and so that we can help them out with getting things ready for the open house/reception we’ll be having down there.  Also we’ve decided to move and live down there with his parents for the summer so we’ll probably check out some jobs down there while we’re there for a week or two.

All I can say is I’ve just about reached my limit with my mother…so I’m glad I’m going down there for a little while.

AUGH!

I also have some adoption posts forming and sitting in my mind…but I haven’t written them cause I haven’t wanted to deal with those emotions on top of everything else right now, but stay tuned…I promise to write some more soon.

Follow up to “Feeling Chicken”

Alright I’m sick and tired of having this comment sit there in my queue on my blog so here goes nothing…I’m posting the comment and responding to it.

I’m not putting who it is or anything else because I don’t want to point fingers and I’m trying to be understanding of her point of view and that she maybe isn’t totally educated or doesn’t totally understand so I’m going to respond to the comment now.

So, here’s the comment that has been sitting here on my blog waiting to be approved, now keep in mind this was a comment in response to a birthday blog I wrote when A turned 5 recently in March, see below to blog titled “After 5 years…” :

Sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier if you didn’t know her parents or how to contact her. I know that’s an odd thing to say, but to be able to reach out and just barely touch her life year after year is just a constant reminder of your pain, making it impossible to let go. Whereas if you hadn’t been able to keep in touch, you would have gone through the “stages of grief” (ok, even I admit they aren’t often sequential and can be cyclical…and been able to heal. I’m not saying you wouldn’t still be sad sometimes, but I believe it would have been easier. *sigh* I also wonder how it will affect her down the road…

My response to this is: Oh, you wonder if it would have been easier if I didn’t know her parents or how to contact her or anything about her, well, I think I’m the judge of that and I know it would not be “easier” for me if I didn’t know. My sister placed her son for adoption in a closed adoption when she was 18 where she didn’t know and it wasn’t “easier” for her and it wasn’t “easier” for my family either. We often wonder and think about him and if we’ll ever know because we didn’t know and we still don’t and it’s not “easier”.

Yes, there is that constant reminder of my pain being able to reach out and be part of her life at times, but guess what…it doesn’t matter whether I was a part of her life as I am or not, whether I know or not, it would NOT be easier and there would still be constant reminders of the fact that she is not with me. Do you think that I wouldn’t be reminded of the fact that she isn’t with me and the pain if I didn’t know, I carried her for nine months, I gave birth to her, I took care of her for a few days, I felt her first movements of life, heard her first heartbeat and so many things…how could I not have a reminder of the pain or the fact that she isn’t with me every year on her birthday. I would always remember her birthday whether I knew or not, I would always remember her whether I was part of her life the way I am or not, she is part of me and I am part of her, it is a reality that nothing can make it “easier” or make it so I don’t have some kind of constant reminder of her not being with me especially on her birthday.

Oh and you think that I would just process through the stages of grief, heal and move on without constant reminders and what not if I hadn’t known, if I wasn’t part of her life the way I am…news flash you go through the grief and don’t ever completely let go and move on from something like this. She is my child that I gave birth to…there is a bond there and yes I chose to place her and feel it was right and best but there is still a bond there and no matter what, the constant reminders that she isn’t with me, the pain and whatever else aren’t going to go away and nothing is going to make it “easier” the way you say.

You believe it would have been “easier”…you believe it would have been easier…well good for you and your belief, but it’s not the reality and how would you know, have you placed a child for adoption, have you experienced this, are you me, do you live my life every day…I think not so I really don’t think you have a place to say that you think it would have been “easier” for me had I not known about my girls, if I wasn’t part of their lives, or anything else.

How nice, you also wonder how this will affect my girls down the road…well they’re healthy, they’re happy and they’re fine. Between myself, my family and their families we’re handling things and their families are discussing things with them as they see fit and I write to them and we have good relationships and friendships. My 5 year old is just starting to understand more who I am and my 3 1/2 year old will start to understand more as she’s older and it will be their choice as to what happens, but we (myself and both my girls parents) are doing our best to make it a positive thing for them so thank you for your concern but once again I really don’t think it’s your place to say.

If my response isn’t enough, there are many others of my friends who have placed who agree that when I asked them what they thought in response to this comment, they said things like this:

One friend said this :

Not knowing who your child’s parents are (or even your child’s name) is indescribable and definitely not “easier”. IMO

Another said this:

Great rhetoric that aparents and agencies can tell themselves when they want to push closed adoptions though…..

Do it so it’s “easier” on us…cause I’m sure that’s first priority….

Yet another response:

In regards to if that person hit my blog and wrote that, I’d have to correct her. I could not sit there and let that post stay without either commenting or posting a new blog in response.

And another:

It’s NOT easier if you don’t know anything about your child, NOT ONE BIT!
And I’m sorry, but you have a right to feel how you feel! And how can that be wrong?

And another:

really don’t know what to say. just someone who doesn’t know what the truth is.

There were, of course others similar to these responses, but I didn’t post them, but feel free to comment or message me if you have something you’d like to add to my blog in response to this comment here.

As you can see, I had some anger with this comment and now I feel somewhat better having finally written this although the person who left the comment probably won’t like this as much but I had to get this out of my system so there you have it.

Feeling “Chicken”…

And a little stressed…to say the least…anyway…back to the feeling “chicken” statement…which would have to do with the fact that as most of you know my first girl I placed, A, turned 5 almost a month ago now and I wrote a birthday blog on her birthday.

Well I’ve never really had it happen to me before…but an uneducated person left a comment on that post that really upset me and bothered me at the time…it still does…I’ve not been dwelling on it completely because of the whirlwind of other things going on with planning my wedding and so forth…but every time I look at my blog…the comment is still sitting there waiting for me to moderate and approve it or not and I haven’t approved it because it ticks me off and I feel like I should probably quote the comment and respond to it, but at the same time I’ve been avoiding it and not wanting to deal with posting or responding to it because of how it kinda really got to me…which I’ve calmed down a lot since the initial reading and processing of the stupid comment, but I’m feeling ‘chicken’ about responding and letting my emotions out about the comment on the blog to the public eye view.

Anyway, I know I’ll do it in the next while here…because if I don’t it’ll most likely eat at me and I’m getting tired of having it sit there waiting for me to moderate it and decide if I will approve it or not.  Take a wild guess as to whether I approve it or not…grrr.

I have too much to say and haven’t formed it all the way I want just yet…but it’s coming and I’m working through it in my head and so forth.

Disturbed & Uneasy…

…is how I’m feeling ever since I had a kind of disturbing dream last night that woke me up…it featured my recent last boyfriend (aka the boy) in it and at first it seemed like some meaningless and harmless dream for bothering me but then it got all weird by the end of the dream when I woke up feeling uneasy and kinda freaked out.

I don’t remember everything about the dream…I just have had this lingering uneasy feeling about it and about him all day and I feel like I want to run away and hide because I’m so uneasy and I’m not sure exactly why.

I have some ideas why…but at the same time…it was only a dream so I don’t know…it just freaked me out.  If you don’t know the story about the boy and his friend yet…let me give a quick version here…his friend that I was trying to stay friends with after I broke up with the boy went weird on me with saying and asking me all sorts of things that aren’t his business through my facebook messages so it kinda got ugly the other night and I stopped responding to him and blocked him.  He started cussing and being more of a jerk toward me in his last message and the whole thing was just a mess so I left it alone, but I have suspicions that the boy was in on some of what this so called friend was saying to me in the messages although I don’t know for sure…I wouldn’t be surprised and that kind of upset me more than this friend because I thought the boy meant it when he said in the past that he cared about me and always would and then did this…but what do I expect, right…anyway.

So, part of the messages was that supposedly the boy found out I’m engaged and wanted/wants to meet with my guy and me to discuss things with us and both my guy and I and my family were all like why?  why would he or does he think he needs to meet and discuss this with us…my thoughts were I was with him for 1 1/2 years….like about 18 months and what could there possibly be left to say between him and me right now especially in regards to my getting married.  Oh and his friend also said they wonder if I’m doing this out of spite and I’m like uh hello…this isn’t about the boy/ex…this is about me and my guy and what we feel is right not about the boy.

Something that this so called friend said that is really what upset me and kind of hurt especially coming from someone I thought cared and was my friend, which apparently they’re not and maybe never were was that he said to me when I told him to basically mind his own business because I felt like he was trying to pry, being judgmental and so forth toward me that because I wanted him to back off with some of the things he was saying that meant he’s right and I’m wrong and when my guy and I get divorced, I’ll realize that they were my only true friends and the only ones who really cared about me.

Um, excuse me, but what kind of “friend” says that to someone and what kind of caring about me is that huh?  Oh and they’re such true friends…if that’s what “true friends” say and do, I don’t need or want them.  Okay so I’m a little angry right now…but you probably would be too if you were in my position.

Oh and if they’re my only “true friends” and the only ones who really care about me, then what is my family and his family or my other friends…they’re not true, they don’t care about me…um yeah right.  My family are the truest friends I have and they are the ones who care about me more than anyone except God and guess what, my family and my guy’s family and my other friends all are happy for me, they all feel good about me and my guy and us getting married…my family loves him and his family loves me and we fit together and we fit in/with each other’s families too.

So, ya know what, the “friend” and the boy are kind of outnumbered here because they are the only ones who think we need to talk, who think I might be making a rash decision, who think I’m going to end up divorced, who think I need to get their permission or something so yeah I don’t think so.

I’m half expecting the “friend” or the boy to try to contact me in some other way, but one can always hope and I was feeling disturbed and uneasy about it, but ya know what…now that I wrote this…I’m not…ya know what…now I feel like going “bring it on” because if they think they’re going to ruin anything for me, they’ve got another thing coming.

If ya wanna know how I feel go to my myspace page and listen to the first song on my play list…if you can’t get access to my myspace, the song’s called, “Give a Damn” by Jo Dee Messina” and here’s the lyrics.  I was introduced to this song by my guy and one of my best friends who had it on her myspace page the other day =).  If you haven’t heard the song, you should look it up and listen to it.  Anyway here’s the lyrics to it:

Artist/Band: Messina Jo Dee
Lyrics for Song: My Give A Damn Busted
Lyrics for Album: Other Songs

Well, you filled up my head with so many lies.
You twisted my heart till somethin’ snapped inside.
I’d like to give it one more try,
But my give-a-damn’s busted.

You can crawl back home, say you were wrong;
Stand out in the yard and cry all night long.
Well, go ahead and water the lawn:
My give-a-damn’s busted.

I really wanna care.
I wanna feel somethin’.
Let me dig a little deeper:.
No, sorry: nothin’.

You can say you’ve got issues, you can say you’re a victim.
It’s all your parents fault, after all you didn’t pick ’em.
Maybe somebody else has got time to listen:
My give-a-damn’s busted.

Well, your therapist says it was all a mistake:
A product of the Prozac an’ your co-dependent ways.
So who’s your neighbor these days?
My give-a-damn’s busted.

I really wanna care.
I wanna feel somethin’.
Let me dig a little deeper:.
No, still nothin’.

It’s a desperate situation, no tellin’ what you’ll do.
If I don’t forgive you, you say your life is through.
C’mon, gimme somethin’ I can use:
My give-a-damn’s busted.

Well, I really wanna care.
I wanna feel somethin’.
Let me dig a little deeper:
No, I’m sorry.
Just nothin’, you know.
You’ve really done it this time, ha, ha.
My give-a-damn’s busted.

So, there ya have it.  I gotta run and get some things done.

Just a Heads Up Here

Okay I was writing openly for most of the time here…but have done a few password protected posts lately and recently decided to change some of my once open posts to private because I don’t want any certain people reading my blog and my personal thoughts/feelings anymore.

I don’t know if these certain people are reading my blog anymore…but I feel better having certain posts from now on for a time…anyway…password protected so if you want to read my posts and you know me then you know how to ask me for the password and I’ll give it to you.

I don’t think I should have left some of my recent posts open because there’s a chance that the certain people I’m referring to have already read them when I didn’t want to so to prevent me from feeling like I’m having my privacy invaded by certain people and so forth…I’m giving a heads up to let you all know I’ll be doing mostly password protected posts from now on for the time being.

I’m trying to decide if I want to leave my blog here or move it elsewhere also…if there was an easy way to do that I would…but for now…doing the private posts seems the easiest to make me feel better anyway.

But yeah just so you know :p.

I’m Feeling Frustrated!!!

Man, I do not like trials in life, but then again who does, right. I’m seriously feeling like lately, I’d like to ask if I could just please get to the point where I can “live happily ever after” now or at least start to do that.

I don’t know…I’ve just been soo freakin frustrated and everything lately with the boy, myself, the job hunt…life, ya know. I know I’m going through a trial right now and it isn’t a big trial like others have gone through or what not, but it’s a trial for me nonetheless right now.

I’m having my patience and my faith and things majorly tested and tried lately with things. I just want this trying of my faith, patience etc. to be over now…well until the next one comes, but man I just want a break sometimes, ya know. Well and really no matter what kinds of breaks or vacations I take or go on…I’m not completely going to get the break I need from dealing with some of things in life until I’m dead…when you really think about it, but I can’t die yet.

I still have to get married, have children that I parent and other things so I have to keep dealing with these tests and these trials in life that come. I’m just having one of those times in life, you know the ones.

I just want to see the end of this section of my life and know the outcome already of this test and not have to go through it. Yes, I know…if I didn’t go through it, I wouldn’t grow and learn and become who I’m suppose to be and so forth, but sometimes I’d just like to not deal with it all and be able to escape somewhere, if ya know what I mean.

Anyway, I’m still doing my best to hang in there and not completely go nuts and lose my mind, but there are days when I wonder. I’m hoping to start one of these jobs this week that I’m suppose to interview with hopefully tomorrow or Wednesday and then figure out an apartment to move to in a little bit after I start a job.

I’ve also gotten in touch with my former counselor again…just Monday, as a matter of fact, and told him a little bit of how I’m having a hard time with some things and think some old issues may be resurfacing. I also told him how I’m in a relationship with this guy and there’s some things that I think may need to be talked about in regards to my relationship and may need some work on like communication skills and such. So, yeah…it looks like I’ll be re-entering counseling again.

Anyway, that’s a little bit of what’s going on with me over here with my little test/trial I’m experiencing at present.