I’m Still Here

Don’t worry…if you’ve been wondering if I’m still around or not…I am still around. I just haven’t posted in a few months or so because I haven’t had or felt like I had anything pressing to write about lately.

That and I was pretty sick, like way bad and so not fun nausea/morning sickness for the past few months…I’ve just gotten over the being so sick phase and having to rely on anti-nausea medication to eat/drink within the past month.

Needless to say I’m really happy the really sick part of the pregnancy is pretty much over. Of course, I still have to watch what I eat and so forth so I don’t eat the wrong thing or what not and get sick again. I also still take my anti-nausea medication once in a blue moon if I feel it’s needed, but I’m pretty much off the medication unless absolutely necessary now so things have improved with that drastically, which I’m very grateful for cause I don’t think I could handle how sick I was for very much longer than I did.

I am/have been speculating that it might or should be a boy cause of how sick I was cause I was never that bad with either of my girls and some other random things, but I don’t know what it is yet.

But trust me, I will be finding out if it’s a boy or a girl…I’m going in for an ultrasound this coming Tues, Jun.7…next week…in just a few days.

Here’s to hoping we will be able to find out if it’s a boy or a girl on Tues :).

Other than that, there hasn’t been a ton going on…both my girls are doing good as are their families. I’ve recently talked/emailed etc with both of my girls moms within the past little while.

They’re both really excited for me and want to know what’s going on with me, Hubby and the baby as things happen and they both can’t wait to find out if I’m having a boy/girl and so forth.

Anyway, things are still going good with both my girls and their families and our relationships/friendships as far as the adoption front goes. Things are also still good with Hubby and I and now things are good/much better with me, baby and pregnancy since I’m not dying/way sick anymore.

Other than that, there’s a few other life things/family things going on here and there that are just a part of life.

So, I’m alive, I’m good and everything’s pretty much fine…and I haven’t had much to say lately on here so there ya go.

Thinking About…

…well I’m thinking about quite a few things, but don’t know how to write or what exactly I want to write about them all just now.

These things have been going on/through my head for a bit now, but haven’t figured out quite how to write some of them or what to write exactly so…I’ll write some and think on it more and see if more detailed posts come later.

1. I’ve been thinking and wondering how things turned out and are going for Bookworm (7) and her mom now that I think the divorce is final and they’ve moved to their own place. I just sent a message/e-mail asking Bookworm’s mom about things so hopefully I’ll get a reply and/or talk to her on chat or something again soon to get updated.

2. It struck me the other day when I was sitting thinking about various things that not everyone always remembers that adoption is not about or not supposed to be about anyone but the child…I placed my two girls for adoption because it was about them and what I felt/thought was right and best for them not me, not my family and not anyone else. I get tired of trying to be all politically correct and respectful of everyone who may disagree with me and my choice to have placed both my girls etc. etc…and I realized it shouldn’t matter to me too much about other people and what they think…what matters is my girls and what they think and feel and what is best for them period.

3. It seems kind of strange to me, but for some reason recently…I’ve been having different kinds of revelations and/or light bulb moments that are significant especially to myself, but also somewhat to life in general and such.

4. One of these so called light bulb moments that I experienced recently that finally surfaced and I could finally make sense of it and put words to it that made sense…was not one that was particularly a ‘happy’ light bulb moment…it was in regards to my mother. I finally vocalized and discussed it with Hubby and put it into words that if I were to be completely honest/truthful with myself…my mother has a whole lot more of a part in the reasons why I placed both my girls than I have admitted or perhaps realized to myself until recently. If I’m completely truthful, my mother is at least a major third of the reasons being at least one of the three major reasons why I ended up placing both times. There is so much more to this one…it should and most likely will end up getting its own post sometime soon…once I’ve worked it out some more in my head and in talking with others.

5. I’ve been watching “Secret Life of an American Teenager” and it’s like a freakin train wreck that I can’t look away from…first they have one girl who’s 15 get pregnant, keep and parent/co-parent with the guy and now they’re having another girl that is pregnant and wanting to get an abortion. It’s just wow, so much of this emotionally charged stuff in a show, ya know and I don’t know what to think about it…sometimes I think good sometimes bad…but it definitely can be a show that has a few triggers for me to say the least, if ya know what I mean.

6. Another revelation I had in regards to my mother after all the crap with FB as I mentioned previously etc. and so on…that I discussed with Hubby as well is that we have mentioned and talked with one another before about different guidelines for my mother’s involvement in my/our children’s lives, but we also have said that we want to try to do our best so that our kids will respect my mother and not think she’s an irritating know it all witch because my sister’s kids think my mother/their grandmother is a witch and they don’t like her or respect her much at all, but my mother doesn’t seem to like or show much respect to any of my sister’s kids either. Anyway, the point is Hubby and I have mentioned previously that we want to have our kids be nice and respectful to my mother as their grandmother and not think she’s a witch, but recently when discussing my mother and such…I have come to the conclusion and mentioned to Hubby that realistically I don’t know how well or how much control we will have over our kids being and staying nice and respectful to my mother…not if she continues to act and treat myself, Hubby, and others badly as she does. We can do our best to instill the behaviors and manners to be nice and respectful to their grandmother, but overall and in the long run…it is up to my mother how my/our children will end up thinking of her and treating her…if she treats them like she treats me, they will think she’s a witch and have issues with her like I do…if she treats them nicely and with respect, they will do the same back…but it’s all up to my mother and how she treats our kids (once we have them that is…hopefully soon…).

7. I was thinking/reading on an adoption forum etc. the other day about how it is for mothers who placed their children in the closed adoption era and how some mothers kept their children secret. Also how some adoptees never get to meet their birth parents because they die before the adoptee finds them and I was comparing it…though it doesn’t compare equally…to how it is for me since I placed my two girls and have the different levels of openness that I do with each of my girls and their families, which keeps changing for the better over time. And I was talking with Hubby about it and was like interesting how it was for mothers and the children they placed back in the closed era to how it is now for me and some others who have placed recently because with myself…there’s no way I would ever think or would have ever been told to keep my girls a secret like a lot of mothers were told back in the closed era and I have two little girls and their families that I have to answer to right here and right now. I already have at least one of my girls, Bookworm, asking me things every once in a while…wanting to know if Sweet Pea (5) knows about her yet and what she likes, if they like the same things etc. and once Hubby and I do have a baby as soon as they are born/a couple years old they will start learning about their two sisters out there…of course, it will all be on their level of learning at their different ages…but I know that as soon as I have another child, both my girls, but especially the older, Bookworm, will want to know if my other child, their sibling knows about them so even if I ever thought about waiting to tell the kids I will have until they were older about Bookworm and Sweet Pea…I can’t because I have to answer to Bookworm and Sweet Pea now because we communicate and they ask questions and will ask questions as they grow up. I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like, how hard it is or was for all the mothers who placed their children in the closed era…I don’t know if I could have placed in the closed era…I really don’t…it makes all the difference in the world to me to have the levels of openness that I do with both my girls and their families and to be able to develop our relationships/friendships and keep updated on each other the way we can as we go through life instead of having to find out things from them all at once when they find me when they’re older, ya know.

So, you can see I’ve had a lot going through my head to think on lately and at least I wrote this for all these recent thoughts for now. Also…I just found a few flying ants in our kitchen…not happy about that…going to have spray, set ant traps or something cause insects of any kind, but especially flying ants is not acceptable here – nope, nope, nope :p.

Decisions, decisions hmm

Still trying to decide on nicknames or pet names to use for referring to my 5 and 7 yr. old here and not coming up with much of anything that is striking me as the nicknames that would best fit them.

I do have a few possibilities…and still looking for more. So far, here’s what I’ve thought of using:

For my 5 yr. old – Sweet Pea, Princess, Little Miss Brainy

For my 7 yr. old – Punkin/Pumpkin, Miss Bookworm, Little Miss or just Miss Brilliant

So, What do you think out of the choices I have here?

Edited to add:  I’ve decided to go with Sweet Pea for my 5 yr. old and it’s between Bookworm or Smarty Pants for my 7 yr. old…I’m not sure which one sounds better…which do you think?

Happy Anniversary time!

It’s our wedding anniversary today…2 years…already. It’s amazing how the time flies and that it’s been 2 years since we got married now…kinda wild to think about and all.

We don’t have anything major planned, but most likely we’ll go do something later on today. We’re going to go to dinner, to see Iron Man 2 and maybe we’ll go to the aquarium or something else too, we’ll see what happens.

Anyway, we’ll have fun whatever we end up doing :D.

Other than the Anniversary day here, not a whole lot new to update…other than my 7 yr. old and her mom are moving, packing things up in boxes to move and be in their new place very likely by now or this next week…they’ll be moved and starting in their new place really soon.

And everything else is going pretty good with life and all. I do have one other thing I have been thinking about for a while, but haven’t written cause it’s not that big or anything.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking for a while now and wondering about giving nicknames/pet names to my two girls to use to refer to them as from now on in my blog, but I don’t know what to call them or what nicknames to use.

I’m just kinda tired of always writing my 5 yr. old and my 7 yr. old and their parents or the first letter of their names…I want to figure something out for nicknames to call each of them when I’m blogging about them so I’m wondering what suggestions any of you have.

I’m also trying to think of any nicknames that I think would fit them and their personalities, but I’m not sure and haven’t come up with much yet. So, if you have any ideas or suggestions from what you know of me and my two girls etc. for ideas of nicknames then please share.

Also if you have ideas or suggestions to help me with ideas and figuring out what would work best for nicknames to use for my two girls, then feel free to share…I’m open to any ideas or suggestions here. I just don’t want to refer to them as my 5 yr. old and my 7 yr. old anymore, if ya know what I mean :).

Thanks in advance for any ideas on the nicknames.

Thoughts…

I’ve had all sorts of thoughts going through my head lately, which isn’t unusual, of course lol…but I was playing a game the other day where it came to a point in the game where you had to make a choice…the choice was you could bring back your family who had died or all of the innocent people who had died from what happened in game…so of course this was all a game…but it made me stop and think for a bit.

I wondered about that choice after I finished/stopped playing the game still and equating it to real life…was wondering…what would I do…in real life…if a disaster or something happened and my family died as well as many innocent people?

Would I choose to save/bring back my family or all the innocent people who died from a disaster or something like that or what would I do? And that would be a hard choice to make…because I consider my family to be such a big part of my life and so many people are my family…it would definitely be a hard choice.

If in this hypothetical scenario, I brought my family back…then all the innocent people would be lost…but if I brought back all the innocent people, my family would be lost…that was how they said it would be in the game and I applied it to real life in my thinking and thought that would really be a hard choice to have to make, ya know.

I mean, if it was a real life situation and that choice and conditions to that choice applied, then sacrificing your family to save all the innocents would be the noble thing to do, I think…and it would be the Christ like thing to do…but then you wouldn’t have your family. I know a lot of people would choose their family and that is my first instinct that I would choose my family…but at the same time…I realize I’m still learning about sacrifice and all and a part of me would want to choose to save all the innocent people too…so I know I’m still not as perfect or Christ like as I would like to be just yet.

But it does make you stop and think…and especially cause this line of thinking happened to me when this disaster from the earthquake with Haiti is going on and so I was thinking…if you applied that choice to that situation…

If it had to be one or the other, would you choose to save all of Haiti (the innocent people) or would you choose to save your family with the thought that your family was in that disaster in Haiti. Which would you choose to save or bring back if they had died, if you had that choice, all the innocent people or your family? Not the easiest choice to think about making…and really causes you to stop and think…even if it is hypothetical, doesn’t it. I know it did/does for me.

If I had it my way, I’d try to save my family and all the innocents…but the hypothetical choice had conditions and it had to be one or the other…so my instinct was to choose my family…but it would just be too hard if that was a real choice you had to make with that condition of it being one or the other.

It makes me realize how much I’m glad I don’t have to ever have to have the power to make that kind of decision, ya know.

Anyway, hope that made some kind of sense…my little bit of random thoughts there and I am praying for Haiti and all the people affected by this disaster.

‘Waxing Philosophical’ or just random thoughts…

I was thinking yesterday how I love music and I should listen to it and dance again like I use to…but then after listening to some music…I remembered part of why I don’t listen to it as much anymore…it gets me thinking too deep of thoughts and going down memory lane or things that sometimes leave me somewhat melancholy…

Strange how music can do that to you, isn’t it…I just found myself pondering all sorts of things…deep things that even hurt my head when I think about them too much or too often like what the bigger picture is that I don’t fully see yet…like what all my part is to play in it…thinking of the future, the present, the past and how it all fits together and how it all makes me who I am so I can do my part here.

I’ve been remembering how much fun I had when I was younger, when I went out dancing with my friends all the time, when I and life was more carefree to an extent it seems…geez reading and writing these thoughts makes me feel older somehow and not just older by age…older in my soul…ya know.

Thinking of how it’s interesting to me how things have all come together for me to get to this point of where I am in my life even all the ‘mistakes’ I’ve made all worked together to help me progress in life somehow. But since God knows all things…He knew I would do everything I’ve done…so were my ‘mistakes’ really all mistakes or essential to my part here…oh I know some of them were ‘mistakes’ or wrong choices…but part of each ‘mistake’ was not really a ‘mistake’ cause it lead me somewhere I needed to go and be and taught me many much needed lessons in life…and of course, I’m not done yet…I wonder if I’m even halfway yet…hmm my head’s kinda hurting…=p.

I feel something coming again…I’ve felt this way before…I’ve had this happen before…I’m not sure if it’s really good or bad, but rather it just is…is the best way I can describe it…something is coming in my life and something is waiting or maybe it’s someone (maybe it has to do with having a child that will be my first to keep and raise…) but I feel it’s even more than what I can grasp with my brain right now…whatever is coming…it will be both good and bad and will put me out of my comfort zone…I’m not sure I’ll totally like whatever it is…but I know it should be good for me…

It’s like there’s something right in front of me or around me that I can’t quite reach or see, but I know it’s there waiting…if that makes any sense.

I think my ramblings and deep thinking here is getting a little too weird now…maybe after a little while longer or something…I’ll understand this feeling better…

Could This Dream Mean Something?

I had a dream last night that was interesting…but I don’t know if it means anything or not…it was just weird…

Anyway, I dreamed that I went to an agency or somewhere like that and found a bunch of info about my birth nephew in a cupboard or something.  Then I was talking to my sister in the dream and she opened up a package or something of some sort that was suppose to have info on my birth nephew and there was his name and then also where he lived and a phone number.

My sister told me in my dream that there she opened the package and there was some info for me if I wanted to find out about my birth nephew, but I don’t know the dream was disjointed and weird like a lot of my dreams often are…so I don’t know if it meant anything or not.

It was just weird to have this dream pop up because I haven’t talked much about my birth nephew lately…for a while in the past I used to try to think what to do to see if I could find my birth nephew or what to do since my sister doesn’t really want to find him…I mean she seems to be okay with the idea of him finding her, but doesn’t want to seek him out or anything.  I’ve tried putting info up or thought of what to do to make it easy for him to find us, if he wanted, but I don’t know…it’s just weird that this dream popped up last night.

I haven’t had info out there actively or anything for him to find for a while because I was on a website and one of my psycho exes found me so I took myself and info off that website and haven’t thought about or done anything else in a while.

Oh but the dream got stranger because I remember a name from it like Brian or something and wouldn’t it be weird if that was actually my birth nephew’s first name or something and I remember something about Arizona or something…which would be weirder if he and/or his adoptive family really did live in AZ.

Then in the dream, my cell phone, I think it was, anyway a phone rang and it was a lady asking if we’d found the info on my birth nephew and checking to make sure we had the right phone number to call so we could talk to him and/or his adoptive family, then we talked for a minute on the phone in my dream and then hung up.

I remember having an interesting conversation with my sister in my dream about whether to call/find/reunite with my birth nephew and her birth son or not because I was nervous about it because I was nervous about what it’s going to be like when I meet and talk with my girls again when they’re older too…I don’t know…like I said the dream was interesting to say the least, but it’s stuck with me today and made me wonder if there’s some meaning to it…I don’t know…what do you think?

Anyway, just some rambling, wandering thoughts to think about for myself…

If It Makes Me Stronger, Why Do I Feel Like a Baby?

They always say that the struggles and the heartaches make you stronger in life, but if they make you stronger then how come I feel like a wussy little baby dealing with them every single day of my life…

Am I really stronger or do I just cave and cry like a baby sooner than before these things happened to me…

Hmmm…there’s some things to ponder…

Whatever doesn’t kill me will only make me stronger, right…sometimes I wonder though…

I started thinking this because I just heard this song…

Artist/Band: Gary Allan
Lyrics for Song: Life Ain’t Always Beautiful
Lyrics for Album: Tough All Over

Life ain’t always beautiful
Sometimes it’s just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life ain’t always beautiful
You think you’re on your way
And it’s just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggle makes you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has it’s own way of takin’ it sweet time

[chorus]
No,life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it’s a beautiful ride

Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin’ all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life dont work that way

But the struggles makes me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has it’s own way of takin’ its sweet time

No, life aint always beautiful
But I know I’ll be fine
Hey, life aint always beautiful
But its a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

[Thanks to dare.you.to.forget@gmail.com, PoisonWhiskeyJWR@yahoo.com for lyrics]

and then I just heard this song… Iris by Goo Goo Dolls.

Song title: Iris LYRICS
	Artist: Iris Performed by Goo Goo Dolls
	Visitors: 44260 visitors have hited Iris Lyrics since Feb 12, 2007.
	Print: Goo Goo Dolls – Iris Lyrics print version
	Verse 1 And I’d give up forever to touch you Cause I know that you feel me somehow You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be And I don’t want to go home right now Verse 2 And all I can taste is this moment And all I can breathe is your life Cause sooner or later it’s over I just don’t want to miss you tonight Chorus And I don’t want the world to see me Cause I don’t think that they’d understand When everything’s made to be broken I just want you to know who I am Verse 3 And you can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming Or the moment of truth in your lies When everything seems like the movies Yeah you bleed just to know your alive Chorus And I don’t want the world to see me Cause I don’t think that they’d understand When everything’s made to be broken I just want you to know who I am Chorus I don’t want the world to see me Cause I don’t think that they’d understand When everything’s made to be broken I just want you to know who I am I just want you to know who I am I just want you to know who I am I just want you to know who I am I just want you to know who I am

After hearing Iris, then I wondered about how it says everything’s made to be broken so was my heart made to be broken, was I made to be broken…I don’t know that I agree with that even though somedays I may feel that way that everything including my heart and myself was made to be broken.

Just rambling thoughts here…

Are Ponytails Really That Sexy?

Okay so I just don’t get it, but what’s so exciting about ponytails?  I mean, I’ve heard from a few different guys how much they like it when I have my hair in a ponytail or just up, but I don’t see what’s so great about it lol.

I mean, it’s just a ponytail and hair…that’s another thing…some guy want to tell me why hair’s so exciting…I mean…sometimes I can see why hair etc. is exciting, but a lot of the time I don’t get it…maybe it’s just a guy thing.

But, okay here’s some pics of me with a ponytail from the other day…which I usually don’t wear my hair in a ponytail…but every once in a while I do.  So, tell me…what’s so exciting about the ponytail here…

Pondering Guys & “Confession”

I’ve been pondering and thinking about some things about guys and what not that I just have always wondered lately.  I also have a “confession” of sorts lol :p.

So, here’s some of my questions I’ve been pondering and wondering about with guys here…

1) Why is it that most or almost all guys prefer longer hair to shorter hair?  Why do guys go so crazy for longer hair?  (I have long hair, well, it’s a little longer than my shoulders and maybe close to the middle of my back right now and Cory goes crazy over it lol).  Oh and why do guys love to play with your hair so much?

2) Why do some guys always feel or think they have to be the protector or whatever?

3) Why do some guys like to tickle, caress etc. with your hand?  I mean I like it and all, but it freakin gives me major butterflies and so forth and it’s just one of those things I wonder about sometimes.

 4) Why do some guys always tell you how cute girls are in a movie that you’re watching with them?

5) I just wonder sometimes why guys are the way they are and what makes them tick…sometimes wish I had a little handbook that told me what all these things mean with guys, ya know lol.

Anyone else wonder these things at all?  Oh and my little confession I was going to say is that, well, I’ve already told my parents, but haven’t blogged it yet.

It’s just that a week or two ago, I found that there was a miscommunication or something and Cory isn’t 25-26 like I originally thought he was.  Yes, he’s younger…he’s more like 22-23 instead of 25-26 like I originally thought.

So, he’s more like 6-7 years younger instead of only 3-4 years younger than me.  I know, he’s young and there’s a bigger difference in our ages there than I thought and than I planned or wanted with  a guy, but he’s a lot like me and acts more mature and a lot older than his age.

I know some people will be like oh my gosh hearing that age difference between us, but others are like big deal, if it works and he’s the right one/right kind of guy with you than it doesn’t matter.  I mean really it’s up to me and him because we’re the ones who have to deal with the age difference if anything serious comes of this or not in the end.

I totally didn’t plan for that to happen though.  I have always tried to stick to an age range much closer to my age and if there hadn’t been a miscommunication and I had known at first that he was actually 22-23 then I wouldn’t have given him a second thought or the time of day.

In a way, I’m glad there was that miscommunication because otherwise I wouldn’t have gotten to know him or had these fun times with him and everything else that I have had with him so far.  I mean I would have regretted not getting to know him and everything that has happened and I’ve experienced with him so far if I had ditched him simply because of the age difference in the beginning if I had known then what I know now, ya know.

Anyway, my parents had two different reactions to my telling them that about the age difference as well.  My Dad was like big deal, if it works, it works and if he’s the right one/right kind of person for you than the age difference won’t matter.  Then my Mom was like what in the heck are you thinking hanging out with a baby?  I was like trust me, he’s not a baby lol.  He may be younger than me, but he’s certainly not a baby :p. 

Of course, my mom’s all ask him if he has any older brothers you can date (um no, little late for that since I’m starting to like him more now, ya know) and then she was like well it can’t be him because he’s younger and he doesn’t fit the mold that she has designed for me ha!  Like I’d ever fit with the mold of the guy she has designed for me anyway – ew.  Besides since when did she get a say in who I date, hang out and be friends with anyway – oh that’s right she doesn’t, I care more about what my Dad says and he thinks it’s fine if it works out in the end so :p to her lol.

Besides there was another thing that happened Saturday night that I didn’t mention previously…there was one time during when we were together Saturday night and we were sitting together and holding hands and he had me lay my head on his shoulder and then he laid his head on mine and it was the weirdest thing, but in kind of a cool way. 

I’m not sure how to explain it, but when we were sitting there together next to each other, holding hands with my head on his shoulder and his head on mine, it was like we fit.  I mean like our bodies and everything just like felt like we fit together like puzzle pieces and it just felt so natural, normal, comfortable and right that we were with each other and fit together sitting like that.

I don’t know how to explain it really or how I was feeling about that, but maybe some of you know what I’m trying to say here.  It was just that I felt like I was…in a sense…home.  I don’t know, it’s probably nothing, but there you have it anyway :p.