Happy Hyper TGIF!!!

I’m sooo happy hyper and all over the place right now.  I have been for pretty much all the day today though :D!!!

I’m really hyper right now and don’t know how I’m sitting here typing this cause I want to run around and be hyper!!!  I know I’m weird – so what else is new ;).  Okay, here I go…wheee…*runs around the room, jumps up and down, screams, does her hyper noises, eeeekk, woohoo* :D.

Today has been a good day despite weirdness here and there.  I got a call earlier today and got a package from my 3 yr old and her parents that I picked up from the agency today 😀 😀 :D.  You can’t tell that I’m hyper happy about that or anything, can you :D.

So, see, I was being totally irrational with my thoughts and freaking out with the whole delayed e-mail thing a few days ago.  I knew I was being irrational, but it always helps to get unexpected wonderful surprises like this package to help you found your irrational thinking :D. 

It was a late birthday package from them :).  They sent me tons of pictures, home movies and cool stuff :).  They sent me some professional pictures they had done of my 3 yr old in May and she’s sooo adorable.  I wish you could see the pictures – I don’t have them on the computer yet.  I’ll have to scan some in and put them up for you to see – she’s just so precious :).

Oh and she’s soo cute in the home movies of her.  I got to see home movies from March of her opening my presents and all her presents on her birthday :).  She says Hi and Thank you to me and says my name and talks about me/mentions me in a couple of the home movies – it’s soo cool :).

Oh, oh and guess what I got from them…I got a pink hot chocolate mix with Sleeping Beauty on the front of the container – oooo :).  I also got the professional pictures, some snapshots and a bunch more pictures on the CDs.  Then I got quite a few home movies on the CDs too :).  I also got some little ceramic things – a ceramic fishy and ceramic ladybug etc. that my 3 yr old painted and a Disneyland keychain with my name on it :).  I got a Tigger magnet and an antenna ball that’s mickey mouse with a gold graduation cap on for me since I got my Associates degree at the end of April earlier this year :).  Oh and of course, I got a cute little birthday card that not only did my 3 yr old’s parents sign, but my 3 yr old did her little scribble (signature) on my birthday card too :D. 

I thought it was pretty cool stuff and on one of the home movies my 3 yr old tells me and my parents “Thank you for presents” from her birthday :).  My parents enjoyed seeing that too :).  Oh and when I watched the movie of my 3 yr old opening my presents – she kept looking at the presents getting excited and then saying “look what Anne got me” referring to me.

One of my favorite things so far was in one of the home movies I watched from her birthday.  My 3 yr old was riding around on her Dora trike, which was a present from her mom and dad and her mom who was taping the movie said to her, “do you know who that present’s from?”  To which, my 3 yr old said, “This is a present from Santa for Christmas” and her mom said “No, it’s a present for your birthday, but do you know who it’s from?” 

Then my 3 yr old looked like she was thinking and then said, “Santa” with a big grin on her face (such a cute grin too, not that I’m biased or anything here) :).  My 3 yr old’s mom said, “Nope, it’s not Santa” and so my 3 yr old sat and thought a min more then said, “Anne” then she got no response from her mom so a minute later she repeated again in a shout, “Anne”!  She had the huge grin on her face again when she mentioned my name as the possible giver of the Dora trike.  Her mom again said “No, it’s not Anne, it’s from Daddy, well both me/mommy and daddy” and so then my 3 yr old looked like she was thinking for a minute and then told her Mom and Dad thank you for the Dora trike :).

I just found it interesting that when my 3 yr old was guessing who gave her a present, she guessed first, Santa and second, me lol :).  I’m right up there with Santa in my 3 yr old’s mind.  Well and it also shows that my 3 yr old knows who I am as far as the understanding of her 3 yr old mind goes anyway.  But I’m not some foreign, unknown abstract person in her life and neither are my parents.  My parents are called Grandma and Grandpa by her and her parents too because we are her family too – it’s just interesting in a cool way, ya know :).

I thought it was cool that she guessed me second when guessing who gave her the present though :).  It was a great Friday :D.

I love everything I got from them and so glad that I got that package from them today.  It just made my day, my week, my month and possibly the rest of my year, well until I get the next letter, pictures, packages from them anyway 😉 🙂 :D. 

YAY for me :D!!!  I sent a thank you e-mail to them a little while ago too so we’ll see if that goes through or if I get another delay message this time.  I asked them if they got my other e-mail so if they didn’t I can re-send it, but I’m thinking that hopefully the whole e-mail delivery should work better now :).

Happy is me :)!!!  I hope everyone has a great weekend :D!!!

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Tangents

Now when are my thoughts not a mess or on tangents you might ask – who knows lol :p.

I have a few things going through my head all at the same time.  My thoughts are going off on tangents all over the place.  Of course, they seem to do that a lot anyway.

Okay so first I was talking to my parents and said “guess what I saw tonight while I was out”.  My parents proceeded to try to guess and of course came nowhere close so then I told them what I’d seen and along with telling them what I saw I told them my tangent thought process that went with it lol.

My narration went something like the following here. 

“I saw my dream car and my dream truck while I was out except they were both red and I don’t want red because that would attract attention from cops I don’t want lol.  Yeah so it was this nice sporty car and it had a cute guy in it and the cute guy was by himself ;).  I saw that and was thinking, too bad he’s by himself, I could be in there with him, ya know” and then my parents responded laughing and shaking their heads at me. 

Then I continued with my narration, “yeah and then I saw this truck and you know how I’ve been wanting a truck for my next automobile.  Well this was a Toyota Tacoma, four door, just the right size, not diesel and perfect for me except it was red.  Oh and did I mention that the truck had a cute guy driving it by himself too and I thought too bad, I could be riding in the truck with him too” and my parents continued chuckling as they listened to me going on and on.

Then my mom said, “Well what if they had girlfriends or fiancees, but they just weren’t with them right then?”  I said, “Well, so what, I could have at least just gotten a ride with them if I had wanted to, right?”  Then my parents just looked at me weird.

I continued on talking about it and said, “Well, see if I wanted to, I could have pretended to not have a working car and be stranded somewhere.  Then they’d come by and have to help me, pick me up and drive me to where I needed to go.  Then I’d at least get a ride in my dream car or my dream truck with them even if they had a girlfriend or fiancee that wasn’t with them, right?” 

Then I paused and continued on again, “But then again, I don’t think I would ever do anything like that because getting into a car for a ride with a perfect stranger especially a strange guy wouldn’t be very smart, now would it?  And then what if I went on the ride with the guy and then he went to drop me off and tried to make a move on me or kiss me or something.  I mean I couldn’t let him do that, now could I?  So, no, I couldn’t just get a ride with the guy and then be dropped off safely at my destination.  It wouldn’t work because the guy would probably end up being some weirdo or something.  Then he might expect something in return for his giving me a ride because you know how some of these guys think they’re entitled to things that they’re not entitled to and should have to earn in reality.  So, no, even just getting a ride with them to be in my dream car or truck wouldn’t work and they’re just strangers, why would I want to ride with strangers?  I wouldn’t so this is dumb that I’m even thinking or talking about this, right?”

I looked at my parents and they were both trying not to crack up laughing and shaking their heads at me.  I asked them why they were shaking their heads like that.  They told me, “well, you went from the beginning of just telling us that you saw your dream car and dream truck while you were out tonight to the end conclusion of men are bad and only after your body”. 

I have to admit once I reviewed my thought process and what I’d just said.  Then looked at it from the perspective of starting at talking about dream cars to ending up at men are bad etc., I had to shake my head at myself and ended up cracking up at how my thoughts went on the paths they did lol :p.

Then I was reading through some blogs earlier and read about someone wanting a person with “minor emotional damage” to date or be with in a relationship, which caused me to chuckle.  I mean I suppose it’s possible to find and be with people who only have “minor emotional damage”, but I don’t think it’s necessarily probable or likely in most cases that I know of anyway.  Well and for me as a 29 year old that’s divorced, with two girls I’ve placed for adoption and so forth – you realize that I am, of course, looking at “minor emotional damage” and such through jaded glasses.

From my jaded perspective, when I hear “minor emotional damage”, I just shake my head because I don’t know many people who make it through this life with “minor emotional damage”, do you?  I don’t know, maybe I really am very jaded lol – heck, I know I’m pretty jaded, but for me, my reality is that my prospects in the dating world aren’t as likely to be the kind that have “minor emotional damage” for the most part :p.

My reality with the dating world and guys is a heck of a lot different than I planned, of course and a heck of a lot different than I would have thought it would be for me at 29.  I mean, for example, I’ve had some guys try to talk to me on some online sites and in real life and some of them have been in their late 30s or early 40s.  My initial reaction and thought to them has usually been, eww, they’re so old and not my type.

Then I find myself sitting back to think about it for a moment and find myself laughing and shaking my head at myself again.  I shake my head at myself because I’m like, um, hello, Anne, you’re 29 now, you’re not that young anymore lol. 

So that reality has just started setting in more for me lately that I am more in the range of dating prospects with the age of early to late 30s and 40 isn’t that much older than me relatively speaking, which is kinda scary to think about lol.  Now, don’t get me wrong here, I’m not planning on dating guys that are 40 or older, I’m just saying I’m starting to see how 40 year olds aren’t that far away from 29 year olds relatively speaking.

Well and then some guy on myspace sent me a message today talking to me about being friends and he’s 31, divorced with two girls.  I was like, um, I don’t know if I want to be friends – I mean why is he divorced, was he the one that caused the divorce or what – then I stopped and thought, hey, is this what some people think about me when I say I’m divorced.  So, I squelched that thought because I mean really what right do I have to think that about someone I don’t know besides I know how upset it makes me when people think, ask or second guess me because they find out I’m divorced.

Anyway, I was just trying to find a reason or something valid to use in my thoughts for a reason not to be friends with him.  Why you might ask – because I’m kind of afraid of hanging out with guys and see that’s what scared me is this guy lives near me – eek.  See, if guys talk to me or ask to be friends and they live in another state or an hour or so away from me in my state that’s totally cool with me, but if you live near me, I don’t know if I want to be friends cause that’s just kind of scary to me. 

I mean what if I say okay let’s be friends to this guy who only lives like 15 minutes away from me – ack and then he wants to meet and hang out with me in person.  Nope, nope, I don’t think I can handle that yet so see I’d like to be friends, but I don’t want to hang out or meet in person right now or anytime really soon either.  It makes me want to hyperventilate and hide when I think about it.  Yeah, I know, I’m a wimp and a scaredy cat, but I have good reason to be this way and you know it especially if you know my story so :p nah nah.

Just another one of my dilemmas in my “soap opera” life lol :p.  Oh, well, I’ll be friends and hang out with guys when I’m ready, I don’t have to rush.  It’s not like that 31 yr old guy is the last guy that’ll ever talk to me – it’s not my last chance, there’s still time.

Okay and I’m looking over at my Hollywood Video site to see what movies have been recommended for me lately.  I’m looking at my recommended movies and I don’t know about that computer recommending some of these movies for me :p.  I mean, what the freak man, the stupid computer recommended some TV series from HBO about a group of lesbian friends and their lives and loves in Los Angeles. 

Ewww!!!  I don’t swing that way – I’m NOT a lesbian and I don’t want to watch that either.  I mean no offense to you if you do swing that way or watch that stuff, but I don’t swing that way and I don’t like that stuff – ew.

I’m totally straight, thank you very much.  I don’t need to watch lesbian shows or anything like that.  Okay, the computer is just messed up and I’m gonna have to straighten it out on that topic.  Nope, nope, I can’t have the computer being confused on what my sexual preference is here.  I’m only interested in men, which means I’m straight – not bi, not curious, not lesbian – straight –  you got that, you weird, dumb computer :p ??

Okay I’m done venting and writing down all my weird tangents for the day now lol :p.  Everyone go have fun now :). 

More “make out” tips

Okay so here’s the other tips I promised after I wrote the last “how to make out” post 😉 *giggles*.

Now I would assume most of you would know these tips when kissing or making out with someone, but just in case you don’t, I thought I’d post them here ;).

Now I hope I don’t lose it giggling through this post too lol.  Okay,um, first of all, just in case you don’t already know, when kissing the other person, you should tilt your head so your noses don’t collide.  I mean we don’t want you to hurt yourself kissing another person or hurt them now do we 😉 *giggles*.  So, remember to tilt the head and avoid collision of noses 😉 :D.

Next we have the tip of what to do with your lips meaning, you should have them moist and soft and not dry and cracked.  In other words, use chapstick and make sure your lips aren’t dry, cracked or icky :p especially when planning to kiss someone ;).  Oh and in case ya all didn’t know, most people usually kiss with their eyes closed *giggles* – I would assume you all know that though.

Also when you’re planning to kiss someone, make sure that you don’t eat garlic, onion or other strong herbs, foods that would make your breath bad.  This means don’t eat the herbs etc. straight by themselves and don’t eat them in the food you have at dinner before you plan to kiss the other person lol 😉 :p.

Okay and this is a particular pet peeve of mine, if you’re going to french kiss, which means use tongue *giggles*, then make sure the tongues are kept in the mouths.  Do you know what I’m saying here?  I mean keep your tongue in the other person’s mouth and the other person keep their tongue in your mouth, don’t let the tongue wander all over the other person’s face or the other person’s tongue wander all over your face – can we see ew, icky. 

When using tongue, if you choose to do french kissing, you do not lick the other person’s face like a dog lol.  If the person wants their face licked, I’m sure they can find a dog to do that for them.  Don’t lick the person’s lips all over and make their lips get chapped either – I’ve had guys do these to me – they are some of the biggest turn offs, for me personally they are anyway.  I mean I don’t want someone licking my cheek or my lips getting them chapped thinking they’re “da bomb” at french kissing and making out with me – can we say not lol :p.

I mean really picture two people licking each other’s faces or having your face licked by someone – does that thought please you.  I would think not, unless, of course, you’re a weirdo or a dog trapped in a human’s body *cracks up* :).

So, let’s leave the licking the face to the dogs shall we and keep the tongue in the mouth if you french kiss/use tongue.  Alrighty then, I think that pretty much covers the additional make out tips I had planned to post here for now.

Stay tuned for more possible tips in the future 😉 :).

High anxiety level today

Taking a break from my making out posts here, I have some more serious thoughts to write down.

Today was a kind of anxious day for me.  I’m not sure all the reasons why, but I know some of the reasons.  My anxiety level was just higher than usual today and I’ve been a little more stressed than usual lately.

I’ve been more stressed lately because of the upcoming changes approaching in my life.  In about a month, I’m going to be moving out, which I’m happy about, but also nervous and anxious about at times.  It’s a mixture of emotion really.

I’ve been alternating between things that I stress, worry and get anxious about as the time grows closer for these changes to take place for me.  I can tell I’m getting stressed or having higher anxiety levels on certain days because I haven’t been eating regulary like I should.

Whenever I get stressed or anxious, I don’t eat.  Other people eat like crazy when they’re stressed and I don’t eat when I’m stressed.  I don’t know which is worse, they’re both unhealthy either way you go.

Today my anxiety level went high for a while because I wrote and sent a letter to my 3 yr old (she’s almost 3 1/2 already- mind boggling) and her parents last night and the thing that set my anxiety off is that I got an e-mail saying the delivery of my letter/e-mail to them was delayed!  I was like what??!  What do you mean?  I instantly went to freak out, high anxiety mode right there reading that e-mail.

I instantly started thinking why wouldn’t my message go through…did they stop using their e-mail…are they cutting off contact with me…oh please no…they can’t cut off contact…I’ll die!!!  Then I was like wait a minute…calm down…breathe in, breathe out…count to 10…slow down…think rationally here.

Then I had to stop and think and after I did that I came up with a few rational explanations as to why the message was delayed.  I also had to reread it and remember it said the message was only delayed not that delivery failed, just that delivery was simply delayed.  There are a few reasons why the delivery of a message could be delayed though.

I thought of the fact that there have been some websites and computer problems associated with heat and overheating over this past weekend.  It could simply be a technical thing that’s having to be worked on.  It could also be that they haven’t checked their e-mail in a while, their e-mail is full and the message is delayed because there’s no space for the message in their e-mail at present.  They could be out of town on a trip which they do often go on a trips, I’m always hearing about them.  I mean there’s no reason why they would cut off contact with me or want to or even think about it – it’s not a logical or rational thought.

I mean we have a pretty dang good relationship and consider each other close, good friends and I feel like they’re also extended family to me.  There’s no reason why they’d want to end contact with me.  Plus I had to remind myself that I heard from them just about two months ago with Mother’s day and just within like the last 6 months or so they told me they want my 3 yr old to see me and start having a relationship with me when she’s older and when she decides she wants to meet me.  They’re all for her having a relationship with me when she wants to and she’s older so there’s no reason why they’d cut off contact with me. 

So, I had to go through all this thought process and stop, think, breathe and remember all these things to reassure myself.  I just went to freak out mode at first though and then I felt silly after.  I really felt silly the more I thought about it because I’ve had and do have such a great relationship with them just like with my 20 mo old’s family and I feel close and lucky to have my 3 yr old’s parents in my life just like I feel lucky to have my 20 mo old’s parents in my life.

I mean even if for some reason I did get a message that said the delivery of my message/e-mail to them failed, I could try to e-mail again.  And even if the e-mail failed, I could print out and mail the letter through the agency to make sure nothing’s up with them and their e-mail.  I also have their last name and address, but haven’t used it yet because they haven’t said they feel comfortable with the idea of mailing direct yet. 

Of course, I haven’t asked them in a while about mailing direct either and they don’t know I’ve stumbled across their last name and address because of a slip up with correspondence through the agency about 2 years ago now.  I also haven’t used their direct mailing address or told them I have it because I don’t want to worry or freak them out if they’re not comfortable with the idea of me knowing that ya know.  I respect them and the boundaries we set and want what’s best for my 3 yr old so I haven’t done anything.

Anyway, that was my freak out for the day today.  My sister and kids are still here.  It feels like they’ve been here forever – it’s been about a week now and there’s still a couple days left until they leave.  I mean I love my sister and her kids and when they come visit, but there comes a point where it’s like it’s time for you to go isn’t it.  They’re at the point where they’re driving us crazy and have been for the past few days or so now cause they’re all staying here in the house with us.

Oh, but I did have a few *happy dance* moments throughout the day today though.  First, I received an unexpected e-mail/short note from my 20 mo old’s mom that brightened my day :D.  My 20 mo old’s mom is sooo great.  I’m especially close with her and we have a great friendship/relationship and she wrote me just to see how I was doing because she was worried about me and my anxiety levels from the last letter I’d written to her in the past few days or so.  I just love that she’s so thoughtful, loving and caring.  She’s awesome and I’m so glad she’s in my life :).  Then I spent some time with family having some fun playing games which was a bright spot for me too.

My last, but not least *happy dance* moment for the day was reading about a good friend’s *happy dance* news :D!!!  She was freaking ecstatic over her news and who would blame her and seeing her so happy.  I haven’t seen her that happy…um…ever I think since I’ve ‘known’ her and that brightened my day even more.  I was overjoyed and ecstatic right along with her and her news – too bad I didn’t live closer and I could have gone over and done a *happy dance* with her and brought her some yummy ice cream too 😉 :D.

So, yeah that’s how my 24th of July day otherwise known as Monday went today.  It was kind of like  a rollercoaster ride and all up and down everywhere.  I felt kind of all over the place today with everything and my emotions. 

But hey, just like the rollercoaster, I survived the day and I got to get off the ride when I was done and the day was over 😉 :).  So, it wasn’t an all bad day and it may not have been the best day, but it was alright – it was an average, balanced day in an odd sort of way, I think.

So, yeah that was my day :p :).  It’s all good in the end though :D.

“How to make out” (part 2)

Now when I wrote the previous post titled “how to make out with a girl”, originally I was doing it just for the fun of it.  Although I did end up actually saying some truths in it.

What I didn’t realize until now is how much of a response that post would get.  I didn’t think much of it, but now I wonder.

In discussing how I’d been thinking of and then done the previous post for some humor on how to make out with a girl, I had some friends and family tell me that I should mention things that I didn’t.  Apparently I forgot to give some ‘important’ instructions in my previous post about making out with a girl.

First of all I was told that I should mention that you should keep your hands on top of the girls clothes, which I didn’t mention because I didn’t think of it at the time.  But to be respectful to the girl and well to each other if you really like each other, you should try to keep your hands on top of the clothes.

It was also mentioned that I should remind guys and I think this applies to girls as well here that they should show the girl respect.  The girl should also show the guy respect – the girl/guy shouldn’t be ‘used’ just for making out is what I was told to mention here by others.

Also when I mentioned previously to ask your buddy for pointers on making out, I didn’t mean for you to literally practice with them.  I just thought that maybe guys could share pointers or tips with each other like for example, if one guy’s never kissed, but his friend has – ask the experienced kisser for pointers – it would make sense, right.  Of course, I don’t know since I am a girl.

In retrospect, thinking further about giving the example of watching “The Little Mermaid” for an example of kissing, if you were seriously wanting an example, I wouldn’t really use that.  I mean really, the prince seems to take forever and have a hard time figuring out how to kiss Ariel in that movie.  So, maybe that wasn’t the best example lol ;).

Perhaps watching the end of “Never Been Kissed” with Drew Barrymore would have been a better example for that.  That is one of my personal favorite kisses in a movie or the kiss in the movie “The Notebook”, of course these are what some of you guys would consider chic flicks so you probably wouldn’t want to watch them anyway.

Oh and one other thing that was pointed out to me is that I said in my previous post that you could whisper ‘sweet nothings’ in her ear.  I apparently may have failed to define what ‘sweet nothings’ are – I would assume that most of you know what they are, but if you don’t know, here’s some examples.

Some examples of ‘sweet nothings’ are tell her how pretty, beautiful, or cute she looks.  Tell her how pretty her eyes are then she would respond by looking at you and then when she was facing you, it would be the perfect time to go in for the kiss.  Tell her how you like her hair, her cute outfit or something like that – those would be examples of ‘sweet nothings’ to whisper in her ear.

Other than that, I have no other suggestions or ‘instructions’ to add here.  Like I mentioned previously, I still think the best way to make out or know how to make out with a guy or girl is to have personal, hands on experience with it.

I may have some truths or little things here and there that can help, but experiencing it is where you will really learn about it the most. 

So, the only other thing I can think of is to get someone to practice with and seeing as how I’m not going to offer myself for practice here *giggles* (that was for you, Phil) ;).  The only thing to do is go out with a girl or guy to experience and learn for yourself.

Edited to add here that I’ve thought of some more possible pointers etc. that I’ll be writing soon so stay tuned for more kissing/make out tips 😉 lol.

“How to make out with a girl”

Alright because of popular demand *giggles*, okay because there’s a few of you using the search terms of “how to make out with a girl”, I decided to answer your question lol.

Of course, you realize since I am a girl it isn’t exactly easy to come up with instructions for you on how to make out with a girl lol.  I mean being a girl, I have never kissed or made out with another girl since I don’t swing that way – I’m totally straight and only interested in guys so don’t even think that.

So, I’ll be doing my best to inform you how to make out with a girl from my experiences when I kissed guys *giggles*.  Man I don’t know if I’m going to make it through this post lol :D.

Um, so let’s see where to start here *cracks up again*.  Well, I’m assuming we all know the basics here right?  You have asked the girl out and you’re on a date so we start from when you’re sitting with her on the couch watching a movie or something then.

Alrighty then, so there you both are and you wanna kiss her so what do ya do – how do ya make your move?  Well, there’s a few ways to make your move – yawn, stretch and put your arm around her – that old move works still or just lean in for the kiss.  Or you can look into her eyes and whisper sweet nothings in her ear and then lean in to kiss her, so you have to pucker up your lips lika dis *puckers up into the kissey face* and then *bat your eyes lika dis* – oh, whoops – sorry, forgot you’re a guy so you don’t bat your eyes that’s what a girl does *giggling*.

You could go watch Little Mermaid for instruction on how to kiss and make out with a girl too lol.  Okay so you lean in and kiss her and then just keep kissing her if she lets you that is and use tongue and do french kissing or don’t whichever you and the girl you’re with prefer.

Seriously it’s not that hard to make out with a girl or guy for that matter if you’re with them and want to and they let you.  I’m not sure what else to tell you peoples or what kind of thing or instructions you’re looking for when you use the terms of how to make out with a girl, but it’s usually a natural thing.

LOL and if you think that anywhere on the internet is really going to give you an instruction booklet on how to make out with a girl, you’ve got some problems.  I mean seriously that’s like expecting the internet or some website on the internet to be like an instruction booklet on how to understand girls for heavens sake ROFL – like that would ever happen – I don’t think so. 

I mean us girls, well, at least speaking for myself, I know I don’t even understand myself half the time so instructions on these kinds of things on the internet aren’t really gonna help you.  If you wanna make out with a girl, then just do it or ask your buddy for pointers or tips cause my blog and me probably won’t be able to help you much *giggles*.

I mean the internet is a plethora of information and you can do and learn a lot of things with the internet, but how to make out with a girl is kind of a hands on experience at least from my perspective as a girl it is lol :p.  I’m sorry I couldn’t resist doing this post, it just cracks me up when people are looking for instructions on how to make out with a girl on the internet 😉 :).

Old friends popping up

Well, so I reconnected with one of my old friends from high school a while ago through the classmates website.  She and I have e-mailed and all and I don’t have a problem with her – she doesn’t know about my two girls yet though.

My problem is with another couple friends from high school that have either reconnected with me or want to reconnect.  See with one of these old high school friends, I was glad to hear from her and get her e-mail, but then she said something in her e-mail that triggered me.

Of course, how would she know when she’s been out of touch with me for so long, but she said in her e-mail to me so you know I’m married with two kids living in this place now right.  Then she continued on with her e-mail and said well, I better have a husband if I have two kids though right ha ha.  I was so triggered and kind of upset by that because I was like oh yeah like no one ever has two kids without a husband and cause she said it joking like no big deal and all because that’s how she sees it and that’s how I’ve seen it most of my life too.

The thing is that I don’t see it quite that way now since I have two girls and I don’t have a husband nor did I have a husband when I had either of my girls.  I mean, of course, my girls are with their families growing up and not with me, but still that kind of rubbed me the wrong way when she said ha, ha, I better have a husband if I have two kids.  I mean I would never say that to someone, but I come from a totally different world and perspective now too because of having had and placed my two girls for adoption and all.

It’s just that when I read that part of her e-mail, it triggered me and now I haven’t been able to calm down enough to write the fake nicey letter back to her.  I want to be like HELLO do you even think about what you’re saying before you write it – what’s wrong with having two kids and no husband ha ha – lots of people have that happen ya know – geez.  

Oh and now I really don’t know if I want to ever tell her about my girls because of that comment – I mean it makes me that much more hesitant to share with her at some point, ya know.  My hesitancy to share with this friend with her ignorant comment in turn causes me to feel more hesitant to share with my other friend I’ve reconnected with that I wanted to share with at some point because the one I’ve reconnected with, A, and the one with the ignorant comment, H, are like really close friends too.  So, if I tell A, she might tell H when I don’t feel too sure about letting H know in regards to her ignorant comment in her e-mail to me.

Man, it’s times like these that sometimes I feel like maybe old high school friends that you lose contact with should stay lost.  I don’t know, it’s almost harder in some ways to reconnect with old high school friends that connect with new friends who get it.

Oh and then there’s my old best girl friend from high school that just tried to call me just the other day.  Man, that girl has got some issues with codependency on me in a bad way or something.  I’m telling you guys, this girl that was my best friend in high school she’s almost like an stalker ex-boyfriend of sorts sometimes.

I’m tellin ya, I totally attract the crazies, even some crazy girls sometimes.  I mean I went on a mission for the LDS church back from 98 to 2000 and this ex best friend, An, wrote me while I was on my mission.

The thing that’s weird here is that I decided not to come home in February and to stay a month longer and my ex best friend, she totally freaked out on me in a letter she wrote to me.  She was all you can’t stay another month, I’ve been waiting for you to come back home all this time so we can go back out dancing and to the clubs again.  Oh and she was all you can’t do this to me after all this time I’ve waited for you to come home and so on.  

I don’t know about you, but that kind of creeped and weirded me out because I felt like I was getting some letter from a guy wanting me to hurry and come home to him except it was a girl that was suppose to be my best friend.  Anyway after my ex best friend weirded out on me like that when I was on my mission, I wrote her and told her I didn’t think it was a good idea for us to be friends or write anymore.  Once again she wrote me back and totally freaked out on me so I felt like I was having to break up with a weird boyfriend and it was a weird best girl friend.

Anyway, after I came home from my mission, I tried to be friends with her again and it got weird again so I ended it again.  Then since that every once in a while she still calls me to let me know what her current phone number or address is in case I want to call or hang out with her – weird considering how the friendship ended and everything ya know.  Okay and then there was once or twice after the time after my mission I tried to give her another chance and be friends with her again and each of those times things went weird again and I had to end it again those times too.  So, yeah, I’ve been done with her and giving her a chance at being friends for a long time now and yet she still tries to call or mail me letters and Christmas cards.

Oh and then some of her letters and this one Christmas card she sent, they had some weird stuff in them too.  I mean I hadn’t heard from her forever and was moving on with my life when I got this letter on my doorstep from her one day where she told me that she knew I probably didn’t care and didn’t like/love her anymore, but that she had to stop dwelling on the whole thing and let it go so she could be a better person.  She went on and on in this letter to me and tried to put me on all kinds of guilt trips and manipulate me into calling her and giving her a chance to be my friend again.  That was another creepy one.

Then in this last Christmas card I got from her, she was all I know you don’t care about me, blah, blah, blah, but I still care about you and wanted you to know and wish you a Merry Christmas.  Oh and she also said in her Christmas cards and letters, I don’t understand what I did wrong and why you won’t be my friend, but I still care about you even though I know you don’t care about me – hello, weirdo.

Okay so now you’ve got the history of me and this ex best girl friend of mine from high school and how she’s been trying to manipulate and guilt me into being her friend again every time after I’ve ended the friendship with her.  So, back to what I was saying about her calling me just a couple days ago.

Okay, so she called me a couple days ago and my Dad answered the phone because I was busy and unable to come to the phone, which I really was.  I wasn’t just avoiding her, I was really busy at the time she tried to call me too.  Now, get this, this girl has some nerve, I tell ya.

She called and gave this message to my Dad to tell me that she ran into a guy from high school that I use to have a crush on.  She also found out that this guy from high school that I use to have a crush on was still single now like me.  Can you guess why she called yet lol.

She wanted to know if I wanted her to set me up on a blind date with this old high school crush.  When my Dad told me this, I was like are you kidding me???  The weird ex best girl friend from high school, who I don’t even really consider to be a friend anymore and haven’t talked to or associated with in ages wants to know if I want HER to set me up on a blind date???

Um, can we say I don’t think so weird girl ex friend person.  I mean, first of all, I don’t want anything to do with this girl, she’s got some issues and that would be really awkward to talk to her to have her set me up on a blind date and even more awkward if the blind date didn’t work out.  Second of all, I don’t really want to be set up on a blind date, least of all by this weird girl person.  Third of all, I don’t like blind dates, I don’t like this girl and I probably wouldn’t like my old high school crush now either.  I’m not even sure what old high school crush she was talking about because she didn’t give a name, but all of my high school crushes I can think of are not ones I’d want to hook up or reconnect with either.

Besides all that, I feel like she’s probably just trying to use the tactic of luring me out to try to get me to be her friend again with the option of being set up on a blind date with some guy.  I think she’s just trying to use this as another way to manipulate or guilt or intrigue me into wanting to talk to her again and it ain’t gonna happen.  No way, nu uh, not gonna happen.

I may be curious about who the guy is and what not, but the risks of having to talk to this weird girl, who use to be my best friend in high school, and everything are too high.  It’s definitely not worth it, in my opinion, to call and talk to her to see who the guy is besides the fact that the way I see it if this old high school crush of mine actually wanted to see or know about me, he could find out for himself without my ex best friend trying to set us up on a blind date, ya know what I’m sayin here.

So, yeah, that’s been the latest with old friends from the past popping up and trying to reconnect with me.  I think I prefer new friends most of the time who actually get it, get me and who I am now more than some of these old high school friends do.  

My heart’s hurting…

I don’t know why exactly, but my heart’s just been hurting more than usual in the past hour or so.  I mean it’s hurt like this before, but it’s been a while since I felt this pain in my chest when my heart was hurting.

I don’t like it when my heart hurts like this and I feel an actual physical pain there.  It hurts so much when it does this every once in a while that it makes me wonder if I’m having a heart problem, which I know I’m not, it just hurts and bothers me when it does this every once in a while.

I was just watching something on TV or a movie and got triggered and started to cry.  Then for some reason after crying, I found myself thinking about all the pains, heartaches etc. I’ve been through that could have been triggered and could have been what I was crying about for a while there.

Then I guess thinking and bringing back some of these memories back to the surface along with the emotions was too much all at once for me, for my heart tonight because it started hurting.  Now I have a physical pain in my chest because my heart is hurting and aching over these things of the past again like it does every so often.

I don’t like when my heart feels like this.  I hope the pain subsides and goes away for a while again soon here.

I keep thinking of R.E.M.’s song, Everybody Hurts and one of Vertical Horizon’s songs that says When I cry inside and my insides blow apart or something like that.  These are some of the songs that describe some of how I’m feeling at the moment with my heart hurting and having just been all emotional.

Ooo I feel special…Not!

That was so much fun.  I was just surfing the web and all like I usually do at night before I head to bed and some guy messages me on myspace.

So, there have been some okay, nice guys/girls/people I’ve talked with on myspace and all so I look at the guy’s profile and he seems alright.  Then I decided what the heck I’ll message  him back cause all he said was what’s up, just wanted to say Hi so I message back and say not much and Hi back.

Then we were messaging back and forth for a few minutes and the predictable stupid guy says so can we IM and I’m like uh what’s wrong with messaging on myspace.  He’s like it’s not fast enough like IMing is so I’m like whatever cause I don’t like to add just whoever to my IMs, ya know.

Then he hit himself out of the game – my game anyway so to speak and sent the next message.  The next message he said to me you know you want it tonight right?  I had a pretty good idea of a few things he could be talkin about and sleep wasn’t one of them, ya know what I mean.

And I sent a message back playing dumb and said want what?  I was giving him one last chance to retract what he was saying or implying or else finish hitting himself out of my game for me lol.  So, he sends another message and says um to make out lol – yeah that’s the lesser of the things I was thinking he was implying, but for some reason, I think he said to make out to try to make himself sound less ‘bad’ to me.  I really think he meant and was thinking of sex not just making out, I mean how stupid does he think I am anyway.

I wrote back one more time and said um, no I’m not that kind of girl so buh bye now.  Then as I was going to block him, he sent one last message I saw that said, oh, come on, baby, you know you want it and you’d like it tonight though right?  Arrrggh.

Yeah so I deleted his messages etc. and blocked him.  That made me kind of upset though.  I mean no big surprise right, but that disgusts me when a guy tries to keep coaxing you into wanting what he wants when you don’t want it!!! 

Not to mention, yes, I’ll admit, I’d probably like to kiss a guy right now since I haven’t in a long, long time, but I don’t want to kiss just any guy off the internet or the street and so forth.  I want to kiss a guy who I know and feel comfortable around that I’m friends with, ya know.  I want to kiss a guy that cares about me and that isn’t out to kiss me just cause I’m there in the moment he wants it.

Plus I’d rather kiss a guy I’m friends with and been out with before and known more.  I mean it just doesn’t sound that appealing to go driving to some guy’s house that’s like a stranger or have a stranger come to my house at like 1 in the morning that we’ve just talked online for a few minutes and hey we’re gonna make out now.  And yeah everything’s gonna be fine and dandy with me and a total stranger making out ha ha – not.

I’m just so totally not comfortable with that idea and so I’m sitting here typing this instead of kissing-making out with a total stranger.  I feel much better sitting here typing this than in a strange guy’s house who would just want to use me though.

Oh, what fun, the adventures of talking online to people and the risks we take lol.

What a fun adventure I had with myspace just now though – great one for the journal and the memories lol.

I’m terrified…

of being vulnerable again.  I know that’s no big shocker there if you know me and my story, but there I said it.

I’m scared and freaked out about dating again.  This just came about or should I say rather came more to my attention tonight because I’ve been having nervous butterflies the past day or two and haven’t pinpointed why until tonight.

I’ve been having nervous butterflies because I’m getting a little nervous about moving out in August for one thing and for another, I’m getting more nervous about guys and dating.  This is part of why I’m nervous about moving out is because when I’m out living on my own, I won’t have my house to hide in with my family like I do here anymore. 

I’m going to be putting myself out there even more once I’m moved out this fall, going to school and all.  I feel like I’m ready, but not ready at the same time and kind of like I’m being pushed/nudged out/off the ledge back into the social world and so forth.  This reality is starting to make me more nervous and freaked out as the time comes closer for me to move out and all.

See the thing is if you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know about my moment of clarity from a while back that I had one night/morning.  I’ve been having more of those types of moments of clarity or reminders of that moment of clarity I guess you could say.  So, I’m having more and more of a self realization about myself and how pretty I really am etc., not trying to be stuck up, just trying to explain myself here. 

The thing is the more I realize or have/remember that moment of clarity, the more I realize that I’m not going to be able to hide for much longer before the right kind of guy(s) will find me.  l mean realizing about myself and my worth and beauty has made me realize more what guys are seeing when they see me out there and they’re not going to walk away and leave me alone.  They’re going to talk to me and want to be my friend and then they’ll probably ask me out and this terrifies me.

It scares me to death because some of these guys will be good guys and that means I’ll have to talk to them and I won’t have any good reason for not going out with them other than being afraid.  I’ll have to let myself be vulnerable again, maybe trust them and all and it freaks me out to think of putting myself out there all vulnerable with a guy again because I know that if he’s a good guy I won’t have to worry, but I’m also afraid of things happening again to me like have happened before.

I know they won’t be the same guys as my exes and if they’re the good ones, they won’t do anything to me like my exes did, but it’s still a major fear there lurking for me to deal with one day.  I’m not looking forward to facing this fear and having to let myself be vulnerable, trust or love with a guy again – not looking forward to this it all – really makes me nervous.

It’s just I’ve gotten okay and comfortable with who I am and everything now.  I’m totally fine with being single and happy now too for the most part and now I have to go step out of my comfort zone again and I don’t want to – nope, nope, nope.  I mean I do, but I don’t, ya know what I mean.

I don’t know, I talked, vented, worked through all this with my parents and feel a little better, but I’m still kind of freakin out about it all.  My mom asked me if I would like to go visit my counselor just to talk or anything and I said no because I didn’t think I needed to go talk to him, but I’m wondering about it now.  I mean, it might not be a bad idea to go visit him, just to check in and talk with him.

Maybe I’ll go drop by to say Hi and see if he thinks we need to talk more.  I mean if he thinks it might be a good idea for me to talk to him then we can schedule a time after I go by to say Hi and see what he says or how I feel.  We’ll see, I’ll have to wait until Monday or Tuesday to drop by though.

I mean maybe just dropping by to say Hi and talk for a few minutes will do the trick, we’ll see.

I just wish someone could face the fear and deal with it for me sometimes though ya know.  I know I have to face it, but sometimes I think it’d be cool if someone else could face the fear for me and then let me step in once we get to the good, trusting happy part with a guy lol. 

I don’t want much, do I…just to have my cake and eat it too – that’s all.