Thinking About…

…well I’m thinking about quite a few things, but don’t know how to write or what exactly I want to write about them all just now.

These things have been going on/through my head for a bit now, but haven’t figured out quite how to write some of them or what to write exactly so…I’ll write some and think on it more and see if more detailed posts come later.

1. I’ve been thinking and wondering how things turned out and are going for Bookworm (7) and her mom now that I think the divorce is final and they’ve moved to their own place. I just sent a message/e-mail asking Bookworm’s mom about things so hopefully I’ll get a reply and/or talk to her on chat or something again soon to get updated.

2. It struck me the other day when I was sitting thinking about various things that not everyone always remembers that adoption is not about or not supposed to be about anyone but the child…I placed my two girls for adoption because it was about them and what I felt/thought was right and best for them not me, not my family and not anyone else. I get tired of trying to be all politically correct and respectful of everyone who may disagree with me and my choice to have placed both my girls etc. etc…and I realized it shouldn’t matter to me too much about other people and what they think…what matters is my girls and what they think and feel and what is best for them period.

3. It seems kind of strange to me, but for some reason recently…I’ve been having different kinds of revelations and/or light bulb moments that are significant especially to myself, but also somewhat to life in general and such.

4. One of these so called light bulb moments that I experienced recently that finally surfaced and I could finally make sense of it and put words to it that made sense…was not one that was particularly a ‘happy’ light bulb moment…it was in regards to my mother. I finally vocalized and discussed it with Hubby and put it into words that if I were to be completely honest/truthful with myself…my mother has a whole lot more of a part in the reasons why I placed both my girls than I have admitted or perhaps realized to myself until recently. If I’m completely truthful, my mother is at least a major third of the reasons being at least one of the three major reasons why I ended up placing both times. There is so much more to this one…it should and most likely will end up getting its own post sometime soon…once I’ve worked it out some more in my head and in talking with others.

5. I’ve been watching “Secret Life of an American Teenager” and it’s like a freakin train wreck that I can’t look away from…first they have one girl who’s 15 get pregnant, keep and parent/co-parent with the guy and now they’re having another girl that is pregnant and wanting to get an abortion. It’s just wow, so much of this emotionally charged stuff in a show, ya know and I don’t know what to think about it…sometimes I think good sometimes bad…but it definitely can be a show that has a few triggers for me to say the least, if ya know what I mean.

6. Another revelation I had in regards to my mother after all the crap with FB as I mentioned previously etc. and so on…that I discussed with Hubby as well is that we have mentioned and talked with one another before about different guidelines for my mother’s involvement in my/our children’s lives, but we also have said that we want to try to do our best so that our kids will respect my mother and not think she’s an irritating know it all witch because my sister’s kids think my mother/their grandmother is a witch and they don’t like her or respect her much at all, but my mother doesn’t seem to like or show much respect to any of my sister’s kids either. Anyway, the point is Hubby and I have mentioned previously that we want to have our kids be nice and respectful to my mother as their grandmother and not think she’s a witch, but recently when discussing my mother and such…I have come to the conclusion and mentioned to Hubby that realistically I don’t know how well or how much control we will have over our kids being and staying nice and respectful to my mother…not if she continues to act and treat myself, Hubby, and others badly as she does. We can do our best to instill the behaviors and manners to be nice and respectful to their grandmother, but overall and in the long run…it is up to my mother how my/our children will end up thinking of her and treating her…if she treats them like she treats me, they will think she’s a witch and have issues with her like I do…if she treats them nicely and with respect, they will do the same back…but it’s all up to my mother and how she treats our kids (once we have them that is…hopefully soon…).

7. I was thinking/reading on an adoption forum etc. the other day about how it is for mothers who placed their children in the closed adoption era and how some mothers kept their children secret. Also how some adoptees never get to meet their birth parents because they die before the adoptee finds them and I was comparing it…though it doesn’t compare equally…to how it is for me since I placed my two girls and have the different levels of openness that I do with each of my girls and their families, which keeps changing for the better over time. And I was talking with Hubby about it and was like interesting how it was for mothers and the children they placed back in the closed era to how it is now for me and some others who have placed recently because with myself…there’s no way I would ever think or would have ever been told to keep my girls a secret like a lot of mothers were told back in the closed era and I have two little girls and their families that I have to answer to right here and right now. I already have at least one of my girls, Bookworm, asking me things every once in a while…wanting to know if Sweet Pea (5) knows about her yet and what she likes, if they like the same things etc. and once Hubby and I do have a baby as soon as they are born/a couple years old they will start learning about their two sisters out there…of course, it will all be on their level of learning at their different ages…but I know that as soon as I have another child, both my girls, but especially the older, Bookworm, will want to know if my other child, their sibling knows about them so even if I ever thought about waiting to tell the kids I will have until they were older about Bookworm and Sweet Pea…I can’t because I have to answer to Bookworm and Sweet Pea now because we communicate and they ask questions and will ask questions as they grow up. I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like, how hard it is or was for all the mothers who placed their children in the closed era…I don’t know if I could have placed in the closed era…I really don’t…it makes all the difference in the world to me to have the levels of openness that I do with both my girls and their families and to be able to develop our relationships/friendships and keep updated on each other the way we can as we go through life instead of having to find out things from them all at once when they find me when they’re older, ya know.

So, you can see I’ve had a lot going through my head to think on lately and at least I wrote this for all these recent thoughts for now. Also…I just found a few flying ants in our kitchen…not happy about that…going to have spray, set ant traps or something cause insects of any kind, but especially flying ants is not acceptable here – nope, nope, nope :p.

A few things to say here

Okay so I have a couple or so things floating around in my head along with somewhat strong emotions attached to some of them.

At first it was just one or two things that I thought no big deal…I don’t need to write about them. Then it was a few more things so here I am doing kind of a rambling/list post of sorts I guess you’d call it.

Here goes…first of all…some of you may not like to hear this…but it is what it is…

1. I am LDS as in I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, which I believe and know for myself to be true and I believe and know Christ lives and loves us. I also know that Heavenly Father lives and loves us and that Jesus Christ died on the cross and atoned for our sins. I am not ashamed of God or my belief in God or my religion…if you don’t like it, that’s your choice, but this is a very huge part of who I am, how I live and look at things and also always has been, is and always will be a major part of my life. I want to make sure you know this as to helping you to know me and see where I am coming from and keep your negative LDS/mormon comments to yourself. If you want to write about how all LDS people and our church is all bad etc. then go ahead, but don’t expect me to agree or support that point of view and don’t lump all LDS people into the same category because we are not all the same bad, evil and/or narrow minded people you think we are.

2. Not only am I LDS (Mormon), but I live in Utah and I use to not like it here, but now I do and once again I don’t like being lumped in with how some of you think all the LDS people or all the people in Utah are. Also for the most part, I support the adoption laws here, but I support them coming from my point of view, which is not the same as some of yours. I support them coming from the standpoint that if they hadn’t been there when I placed my two girls…it would have been a lot worse of a situation specifically when I placed my second daughter. With when I placed my first daughter, it wasn’t that much of a big deal to me about the adoption laws etc. because the guy – her bio guy as I refer to him…just walked away and never did anything. But with my second daughter and that second guy, I am glad the adoption law was the way it was or I would have had that much more to go through and deal with in regards to that psycho guy trying to mess things up. And he was a psycho, stalker, emotionally, verbally abusive etc. so it would have been a bad thing for him to have more of a chance to use his rights.

So, my situations and my standpoint/viewpoint are different and that is a lot of why I am glad that the adoption laws here in Utah were/are the way they are because it was a good thing in my situations.

Of course, it’s not always a good thing, but the thing is I didn’t move here from another state when I had and placed my two girls either. I did everything legally from my being here, living here and staying in the same state when I got pregnant, was pregnant and then placed both times. Also both times, I told both guys and they both had the chance to assert their rights etc., but neither of them did…the second guy threatened to do what you need to…told me he would, but he never did.

So, like I said, for me and my girls the adoption laws here in Utah were a good thing.

3. I don’t acknowledge the bio guys on Father’s Day because they aren’t Fathers of any kind to either of my girls and they never were. Maybe they are to other children now and maybe they’ll be different If and When my two girls ever want to know about them years from now, but right now they’re not and never were. They have biological connections to my girls and that’s it…and yes I still have some anger with the guys that I still process through and deal with better some days than others.

4. I also have a little more anger behind the anger I deal with toward the bio guys and all the jerky guys I’ve known right now etc. because Bookworm’s parents just got/are going through their divorce because the adad was a disgusting jerk and major disappointment.

5. The other night I was at my parents house to celebrate my Dad’s birthday and I saw a piece of paper by my Dad’s desk in their office room. On that piece of paper was a list of grandchildren by name and their birthdays…Bookworm (7) and Sweet Pea (5) were on the list and I thought that was way cool so I told my Dad I thought that was cool. My Dad said, of course, I have to keep track of all my grandkids and their bdays and then just observing, I said “hey you don’t have C.S.’s name and bday on there” referring to the son my sister placed for adoption about 25 yrs ago now. My Dad said back to me, “yeah I sometimes wonder and think about him and how he turned out etc.” and to which my mother said, “well, we don’t have any pictures of him or know anything about him so of course we don’t have him on our birthday list etc.”

I just stared dumbfounded at my mother when she said that because I was like seriously you don’t have a picture of one of my nephews or know anything about him so he doesn’t count in the family?? What kind of logic is that anyway!?! And then I thought so if I stop giving you pictures or telling you about my two girls, are they going to get erased from the birthday list now…I mean seriously. Why doesn’t she just say oh that part of you is rejected to my sister about that son because that’s what it would feel like and sometimes does feel like to me that she doesn’t accept my two girls as part of the family or doesn’t accept that part of me…not the way my Dad, my Hubby, his family, some others of my family and everyone else accepts that part of me anyway, but then what do I expect from my mother *rolls eyes*.

6. Father’s Day is My Birthday this year…I’m glad to share it with my Father, who is the most awesome Dad ever…of course I might be a little biased ha ha. But my Dad is one of my Heroes and yes I’m a Daddy’s girl through and through. I’m very close with my Dad and he and I have a great relationship/friendship…and he’s always been there for me and been like a rock for me and we’ve learned and grown a lot together through all the ups and downs in life. I can’t imagine having any better/more awesome of a Dad than I do.

So, with Father’s Day and my Birthday being the same day – it’s a celebration for two pretty cool people if I do say so myself and I do – My Dad and I :D! My Dad and his Dad and my mom’s Dad and all the other awesome Dad’s out there are the ones I recognize and choose to celebrate that day.

7. And Finally my last thing to say here…I think I had a little more to say than I thought lol, but anyway. My last thing here is to say that I’m finally really getting into serious mode about wanting and being ready to really try for having a baby and starting a family. It’s been a process and a journey to this point, which is far from over, but I’m just now feeling ready/starting to feel really ready for taking this jump in life and getting more baby hungry lately lol :p. I’m also getting excited even though it’s also rather scary at the thought of having a baby that I bring home and raise myself, but I’m excited to do it with my Hubby cause I think he’ll be a great Daddy just like my own Daddy one day :D.

She made it Facebook official

Today was mostly like any other day…nothing major happening…just hang out, clean and the usual sort of day for me at home.

Until I was sitting at the computer browsing through some blogs and a spider ran up my leg causing me to jump up, run around freaking out and swatting at it to get it off my leg. Needless to say I was a bit jumpy every time I felt something brush my arm or leg the rest of the day until just now within the past hour when I found a spider on the carpet and had Hubby kill it. I strongly suspect it was the spider who dared to touch my leg, but if it wasn’t I warned any creepy crawlies hiding around here that I would find and dispose of them…they are not welcome here ever…can you tell that I really, really strongly dislike spiders and creepy crawlies :p.

And then the big thing that caused me to pause and think as well as have a bit more of a reaction/emotional reaction than I expected…I pulled up my Facebook page and saw Bookworm’s (7 yrs. old) mom’s notice/update that said she was “single” now. It was very, very weird to me to see that on my Facebook feed…I mean I knew it was coming…I knew it would happen and I know pretty much all the details of the situation/divorce and things that are being worked on and have been worked out with Bookworm’s custody and all…but it’s one thing to know about it, to know what’s happening and what’s coming and then to see the result of it like this update of Bookworm’s mom’s update…she’s single now.

It’s just so weird and I’m not entirely sure how to react or how I want to react or feel about it after seeing that update on my Facebook feed today, ya know. It’s wild and still somewhat unexpected to me that it’s really happening/happened…the divorce and everything with Bookworm’s parents.

I sat and stared at the screen for a few minutes with twenty things racing through my head and feeling a range of emotions and then looked at the comments to her update of ‘she is single’ now. I thought what should I comment or should I comment…because really what I thought of writing would have ended up being a paragraph or more about I’m sorry and I’m happy for you and I hope you are happy and enjoy time to yourself before you go jump back into dating or anything like that. I also thought of writing, wow, so is the divorce final, so is Bookworm with you, as in did it work out with you getting sole custody or what’s the final verdict on that or do you know yet cause she was still figuring that out among other things the last I talked to her a few weeks ago and she just barely moved into her own place so I need to e-mail/talk to her to get another update on things soon, I think. Plus I want to talk to her and see how she’s doing with all of this that’s going on and the changes she’s going through now, ya know what I mean.

I want to talk to her and be there for her because I care about her not just because she’s Bookworm’s mom although that’s a reason why too. I also want to talk with her to check in etc. because I have an idea of where she is with this…because while I didn’t experience her exact situation…I did experience something similar when I was married the first time and got divorced although there weren’t any children involved when I ended that first marriage, which made things somewhat easier, but anyway I just have been thinking about Bookworm’s mom and wanting to check in with her for a little while now, but giving her space while she moved and took care of some things.

Another thing that got a reaction out of me when looking at Bookworm’s mom’s update of being single on Facebook was what some of the comments were. I mean seriously I wonder about some people and their comments…of course, they mean well and they’re just being supportive to her in their own way, but I know if she’s anything like me that some of those remarks didn’t really help. And by the way, I ended up choosing not to comment because a lot of what I wanted to say to her was more personal than I’d like to put on her Facebook page and probably more personal than she’d like me to put as well. I’ll say it to her in an e-mail or next time we get a chance to chat cause I’m hoping to catch her and talk to her online in the next couple weeks so we can catch up a little.

Anyway, back to the comments on her ‘I’m single now’ update on FB…Most people just clicked that they liked it, which I did as well cause it was better than figuring out a comment to put on it etc…but a few people wrote comments. Like one person wrote ‘oh I’m sorry I didn’t know’…uh what kind of comment is that can I ask…I thought that was kinda weird and then a couple others and then the one comment that I didn’t like the most was a person that wrote ‘Enjoy being single while you can cause someone will grab you up before you know it cause you’re so great’…I read that and I was like seriously?

Because okay, I get that from that comment they’re trying to be supportive, positive and loving etc. to Bookworm’s mom about her finding and marrying a good guy sooner than she thinks, but she just barely put that she was single on FB after she’d been married to the same guy, who was a good guy at one time too, who she adopted Bookworm with, and they’d been married for 18 yrs…I didn’t really think that was the best or most appropriate comment to put on her I’m single now update, but maybe that’s just me. Plus, I highly doubt that Bookworm’s mom is all anxious and impatient to go dating again and get married again after what she’s been through…she needs time before she goes back into dating and marries someone else etc…I mean for heaven’s sake people give her a little time and space before you start telling her that she’ll be dating and married again before she knows it.

And then that comment and my thoughts/reaction to the comment etc. brought me back to the worry I have in the back of my mind of what if Bookworm’s mom marries someone else, who doesn’t like me or who doesn’t like the fact that I’m still a part of Bookworm’s life like I am. What if Bookworm’s mom marries someone who wants to push me out of the picture and not deal with me or something like that…I mean I know that Bookworm’s mom is not going to rush into anything, not back into dating and not into another marriage and that she’s going to take her time, be quite a bit picky and everything before she marries another guy, but even though I know that…I still have that little worry in the back of my mind about the next guy she marries or dates etc. and how that may or may not affect Bookworm and the whole adoption relationship/friendship between us, if ya know what I mean.

So, anyway that’s how seeing Bookworm’s mom’s update of ‘she’s single’ now threw me for a bit of loop today…emotionally, mentally and so forth. It’s another new part of things for me to deal with and process through with this new aspect of things with Bookworm’s mom being single again and all that. I’m sure there will be more to process through that I never expected to deal with when I first placed Bookworm with her mom and ‘once upon a time’ dad that will never be a dad to her the same again or the way I wanted him to be a dad to Bookworm.

And all because he couldn’t work through his issues and be the dad that Bookworm needed him to be and/or be the person that Bookworm’s mom, Bookworm and I along with many others needed, wanted and hoped for him to be.

Yep, I’m still processing this loss, the loss of the dream that I had hoped Bookworm would have and one of the reasons I had placed Bookworm in the first place because I so wanted her to have a mom and a dad. I so wanted her to not have to deal with exactly what she may end up having to deal with now…being shared between two parents who don’t love each other anymore.

It really is heartbreaking and so very sad when this sort of thing happens especially when it’s something that can affect your child so much.

Some Thoughts

I’ve been thinking of what to write for my next post/entry here on my blog and been at a loss so to speak…as in I’m in that state the last few days or so where you feel like you don’t have anything to say and at the same time you have too much to say, but don’t know which to say or write about, ya know.

I keep having different thoughts etc. running through my head as starts to lots of different possible entries, but nothing as in a whole entry comes out. It’s just partially deciding what I want/feel like writing here and what I want to write somewhere else more private and what I don’t want to write ever, but then again I’ve written and lived a lot of what I wish I didn’t write ever so who knows ya know.

For example, there’s lots of entries I could write about my mother and one about how she’s made it that much more of an irritating thing and added to some of my emotional overload at times about Miss Bookworm (7 yr. old) and the news I recently found out about her aparents getting divorced. I mean seriously my mother should learn some freaking patience already and how to give people space.

Then there’s my still processing though I’ve processed the initial shock and digestion of the details of Bookworm’s aparents divorce, but I don’t want to put that sensitive stuff out there for everyone to see and at the same time I do cause I’m just disgusted at what the adad did and everything that lead to this divorce.

And there’s this stupid weather, I mean what’s up with this seriously…snow two weeks ago and now 80 degrees. I mean seriously, does the weather have issues much or anything.

Also there’s lots of other things, more personal and otherwise etc. and my planning to apply and hopefully go back to school online this fall. There’s also about Hubby looking for work and going to a class to figure out what to do about possibly starting his own business fixing computers and such from home.

And there’s how I was thinking just a few weeks or a month ago about stopping blogging and taking a break or something, but then not long after I was thinking about that all of a sudden here I was/am again blogging all over the place again. Then I realized I’m probably not ready to take a break from blogging or anything like that now although part of me wondered if it would make any difference to anyone if I stopped blogging or not. I thought it’s no big deal if you blog or don’t blog or who reads it or doesn’t, but it does matter…well as in it matters to me if I blog or not and if I read and write what I need to or not because pretty much I write here for me.

Of course, I’ve learned that there are a few people who enjoy my blog perhaps more than I thought and I have found a lot of blogs I enjoy reading and learning from also. So, you can see I’ve had a lot of thoughts I’ve been thinking of writing, but not forming well into nice pretty complete posts so here they are all together.

Perhaps, I’ll be able to form one or more of them into its own entry in the next while…according to whatever comes to mind with these topics and thoughts that is.