Reflecting…

It’s just from watching some movies I’ve watched lately, things that have been going on with life and all…I suppose…but I’ve been reflecting on life and having some trips down memory lane recently.

There’s too much to say all right now, but let’s say first of all, I saw Juno against my better judgment and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, but I didn’t think it was that well done and of course, it wasn’t realistic at all from my perspective.  Some parts in the movie, I saw hints of the real life version of what would have been going on in that situation with unplanned pregnancy, adoption, marital problems etc., but they weren’t more than just hints.

Of course, there were a few parts that really kind of got to me as was to be expected and I found myself holding back tears and aching some having the memories come back to me of when I went through my experiences of having, placing, meeting the adoptive parents/families and so forth.  I held back tears and remarks a few times during the movie because I was watching it with one of my roommates as well as my fiance and my roommate doesn’t know.

Anyway, there’s just been a lot going on with planning the wedding, dealing with the boy (recent past bf) and his friend(s) being mean and whatever to me and then not talking and then apologizing and talking again – who knows.  I just feel like that song all over again right now when thinking of the boy and his friend(s)…the song I mentioned before in a recent past post called “My Give a Damns Busted” by Jo Dee Messina.  There’s some other songs that I think probably would describe my feelings on that better, but that’s one of them…I’m just tired of all the emotional rollercoaster stuff with them and the whole trying to be friends thing so I’m feeling like it’s time to just let it go and whatever will be, will be.

I’m also feeling melancholy and reflecting on life because all my roommates are moving out as of tomorrow/Tuesday and then I’ll be moving out soon…I’m feeling like this part of my life, this era, is coming to a close and a new one’s beginning with getting married and all and some of it, starting this new era, closing the other one and everything is making me feel sad and long for some of my past days…while at the same time getting more excited and anxious to start this new era, this new adventure with getting married and moving forward with my life.

It’s just all so exciting and scary all at the same time leaving one thing and moving onto another in life.  All the changes…they both thrill and make you a little nervous and scared all at the same time.

Anyway, just some random thoughts of mine while I’ve been reflecting on how my life’s gone in the past year or so and on where I am now to where I was a year or two ago.  It’s just interesting where life takes you and how things happen as they do so you end up where you do in your life.

Have to say…

I’ve had a lot of posts forming and sitting in my mind, but haven’t written them out yet…but let’s just say I’ve been stressing because of my mother and everything so my fiance and I are going to go back down to stay with his parents for a week.

We’re going down there so I can get away from my mother and get a break and so that we can help them out with getting things ready for the open house/reception we’ll be having down there.  Also we’ve decided to move and live down there with his parents for the summer so we’ll probably check out some jobs down there while we’re there for a week or two.

All I can say is I’ve just about reached my limit with my mother…so I’m glad I’m going down there for a little while.

AUGH!

I also have some adoption posts forming and sitting in my mind…but I haven’t written them cause I haven’t wanted to deal with those emotions on top of everything else right now, but stay tuned…I promise to write some more soon.

Follow up to “Feeling Chicken”

Alright I’m sick and tired of having this comment sit there in my queue on my blog so here goes nothing…I’m posting the comment and responding to it.

I’m not putting who it is or anything else because I don’t want to point fingers and I’m trying to be understanding of her point of view and that she maybe isn’t totally educated or doesn’t totally understand so I’m going to respond to the comment now.

So, here’s the comment that has been sitting here on my blog waiting to be approved, now keep in mind this was a comment in response to a birthday blog I wrote when A turned 5 recently in March, see below to blog titled “After 5 years…” :

Sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier if you didn’t know her parents or how to contact her. I know that’s an odd thing to say, but to be able to reach out and just barely touch her life year after year is just a constant reminder of your pain, making it impossible to let go. Whereas if you hadn’t been able to keep in touch, you would have gone through the “stages of grief” (ok, even I admit they aren’t often sequential and can be cyclical…and been able to heal. I’m not saying you wouldn’t still be sad sometimes, but I believe it would have been easier. *sigh* I also wonder how it will affect her down the road…

My response to this is: Oh, you wonder if it would have been easier if I didn’t know her parents or how to contact her or anything about her, well, I think I’m the judge of that and I know it would not be “easier” for me if I didn’t know. My sister placed her son for adoption in a closed adoption when she was 18 where she didn’t know and it wasn’t “easier” for her and it wasn’t “easier” for my family either. We often wonder and think about him and if we’ll ever know because we didn’t know and we still don’t and it’s not “easier”.

Yes, there is that constant reminder of my pain being able to reach out and be part of her life at times, but guess what…it doesn’t matter whether I was a part of her life as I am or not, whether I know or not, it would NOT be easier and there would still be constant reminders of the fact that she is not with me. Do you think that I wouldn’t be reminded of the fact that she isn’t with me and the pain if I didn’t know, I carried her for nine months, I gave birth to her, I took care of her for a few days, I felt her first movements of life, heard her first heartbeat and so many things…how could I not have a reminder of the pain or the fact that she isn’t with me every year on her birthday. I would always remember her birthday whether I knew or not, I would always remember her whether I was part of her life the way I am or not, she is part of me and I am part of her, it is a reality that nothing can make it “easier” or make it so I don’t have some kind of constant reminder of her not being with me especially on her birthday.

Oh and you think that I would just process through the stages of grief, heal and move on without constant reminders and what not if I hadn’t known, if I wasn’t part of her life the way I am…news flash you go through the grief and don’t ever completely let go and move on from something like this. She is my child that I gave birth to…there is a bond there and yes I chose to place her and feel it was right and best but there is still a bond there and no matter what, the constant reminders that she isn’t with me, the pain and whatever else aren’t going to go away and nothing is going to make it “easier” the way you say.

You believe it would have been “easier”…you believe it would have been easier…well good for you and your belief, but it’s not the reality and how would you know, have you placed a child for adoption, have you experienced this, are you me, do you live my life every day…I think not so I really don’t think you have a place to say that you think it would have been “easier” for me had I not known about my girls, if I wasn’t part of their lives, or anything else.

How nice, you also wonder how this will affect my girls down the road…well they’re healthy, they’re happy and they’re fine. Between myself, my family and their families we’re handling things and their families are discussing things with them as they see fit and I write to them and we have good relationships and friendships. My 5 year old is just starting to understand more who I am and my 3 1/2 year old will start to understand more as she’s older and it will be their choice as to what happens, but we (myself and both my girls parents) are doing our best to make it a positive thing for them so thank you for your concern but once again I really don’t think it’s your place to say.

If my response isn’t enough, there are many others of my friends who have placed who agree that when I asked them what they thought in response to this comment, they said things like this:

One friend said this :

Not knowing who your child’s parents are (or even your child’s name) is indescribable and definitely not “easier”. IMO

Another said this:

Great rhetoric that aparents and agencies can tell themselves when they want to push closed adoptions though…..

Do it so it’s “easier” on us…cause I’m sure that’s first priority….

Yet another response:

In regards to if that person hit my blog and wrote that, I’d have to correct her. I could not sit there and let that post stay without either commenting or posting a new blog in response.

And another:

It’s NOT easier if you don’t know anything about your child, NOT ONE BIT!
And I’m sorry, but you have a right to feel how you feel! And how can that be wrong?

And another:

really don’t know what to say. just someone who doesn’t know what the truth is.

There were, of course others similar to these responses, but I didn’t post them, but feel free to comment or message me if you have something you’d like to add to my blog in response to this comment here.

As you can see, I had some anger with this comment and now I feel somewhat better having finally written this although the person who left the comment probably won’t like this as much but I had to get this out of my system so there you have it.

Feeling “Chicken”…

And a little stressed…to say the least…anyway…back to the feeling “chicken” statement…which would have to do with the fact that as most of you know my first girl I placed, A, turned 5 almost a month ago now and I wrote a birthday blog on her birthday.

Well I’ve never really had it happen to me before…but an uneducated person left a comment on that post that really upset me and bothered me at the time…it still does…I’ve not been dwelling on it completely because of the whirlwind of other things going on with planning my wedding and so forth…but every time I look at my blog…the comment is still sitting there waiting for me to moderate and approve it or not and I haven’t approved it because it ticks me off and I feel like I should probably quote the comment and respond to it, but at the same time I’ve been avoiding it and not wanting to deal with posting or responding to it because of how it kinda really got to me…which I’ve calmed down a lot since the initial reading and processing of the stupid comment, but I’m feeling ‘chicken’ about responding and letting my emotions out about the comment on the blog to the public eye view.

Anyway, I know I’ll do it in the next while here…because if I don’t it’ll most likely eat at me and I’m getting tired of having it sit there waiting for me to moderate it and decide if I will approve it or not.  Take a wild guess as to whether I approve it or not…grrr.

I have too much to say and haven’t formed it all the way I want just yet…but it’s coming and I’m working through it in my head and so forth.

Things are a little crazy ha ha!

That’s putting it mildly…but yeah what do I expect when I’m planning my wedding and dealing with life etc….ya know =P.

So, let’s see we’ve got half, well, actually more than half of the wedding planned so far, which is good considering the fact that it’s coming up really fast and I’m kinda freakin out and having stress about it among general things in life.

It keeps sinking in on different levels that I’m actually getting married, but it’s still kinda surreal and all, if ya know what I mean.

I still have quite a bit to do for having done as much as I have though…this week’s going to be busy…I have to look/decide on my wedding dress, wedding cake, work on invitations, go to the dr./clinic and my future hubby wants to look at apts for him to move into at the end of this month and then I’ll move in with him after we’re married the next month – eek!

Ya know what I think kinda freaks me out here besides that I’m actually getting married here and to my match – the perfect/best guy for me – is the reality that most likely within the next year or so here I’ll probably have a baby that will be the first one that I parent after having had and placed both my girls.

That concept and thought is kind of a weird one for me.  I mean it’s exciting and nervewracking and everything all together, if ya know what I mean.  But yeah I’m not focusing on that thought too much yet because I’m just trying to get through all the planning and the wedding etc. before I deal with the oh my gosh moment I’ll have when I find I’m pregnant at some point after being married – which will probably happen sooner than I think though, but ya never know…just focusing on the wedding and making it through the rest of the planning right now though, ya know =P.

Okay so I’m feelin a little crazy and a little all over the place with the wedding and all lately, but yeah that should be no big surprise to you, if you know me well at all ha ha =P.