Awesomeness, Validation, Pro Adoption and Reality

I was thinking about things the other day and thought of how blessed/lucky I am to have the relationships I do with both my girls amoms. I know not everyone has great relationships or positive experiences with the aparents of their children among other things which make their whole adoption experience suck, but mine has been a positive thing. Of course, there is still a lot of negative and grief and all sorts of emotions/things to deal with being a mother who has placed two daughters for adoption and everything, but there has also been a lot of positive, which I was remembering the other day.

Some of the awesome things I was remembering the other day that I’ve been grateful for with my relationships with both my girls amoms are:

***Bookworm’s (7) mom has opened up and shared a lot with me lately and continues to do so since first talking with me about the divorce etc. with Mr. X (Bookworm’s adad)…it has been interesting talking as I have been lately with Bookworm’s mom because I feel like a whole new side and a whole lot more of her has been revealed to me because she’s opened up to me. And it’s been a great thing for me to experience, to see this whole other part of her that makes her even more of a real awesome person with all her quirks etc. and that much more of a close friend to me and not just my daughter’s amom.

***This is one of the things I thought of that I still think is really awesome…and that is that the last time I talked with Bookworm’s mom around 3-4 weeks ago…while she opened up talking to me about things even more…she asked me for my advice/insight on her new relationship with her boyfriend and things to consider while she’s considering marriage to said bf after her recent divorce. I was floored in so many ways when she asked for my advice/insight because first I was like WHAT cause she’s thinking about marrying another guy already, but then because I was like wow she’s asking me what I think because I’ve been where she is to an extent…I was married, divorced – abusive guy/porn etc…and then years later found and married Hubby and so she was asking me my advice/insight cause she knew that about me and cause she was treating me as her friend and equal and someone who’s advice/insight mattered. I mean I’m not just Bookworm’s bmom to her, ya know and it was so awesome and meant/still means so much to me that she has shared so much with me and asked for my insight and my advice on that situation. I mean isn’t that awesome?!?

***Another awesome thing about Bookworm’s mom…she told me she’s talked to her new boyfriend and told him about me and how we’re friends, stay in touch and talk etc. all the time. I always tell everyone how I’m close, friends and stay in touch with her and assumed she did the same but never knew so that was awesome and validating to me to hear that from her also.

***Bookworm’s mom encourages Bookworm to talk with me etc…doesn’t ever discourage her in anyway about her adoption, me, where she came from etc…I think it’s amazing the way she handles and does things with Bookworm and myself and the whole adoption side of things, if that makes sense.

***Sweet Pea’s (5) mom is just as awesome as Bookworm’s mom and validates and does amazing things as well. One of those things I was thinking about with all these others the other day was that Sweet Pea’s mom has always acknowledged me as Sweet Pea’s mom…she has told me as I have told her a few times she doesn’t think of me as Sweet Pea’s bmom, and I don’t think of her as Sweet Pea’s amom…we think of each other as friends/best friends similar to Bookworm’s mom and I though a little different and we think of each other both as mothers to Sweet Pea. Sweet Pea’s mom has always validated and been open to talking with me about everything…it’s been awesome. I’m just now getting there with Bookworm’s mom…so it took more time with her, but with Sweet Pea’s mom it clicked from the beginning.

***Another awesome thing about Sweet Pea’s mom, just recently within the past 3-4 weeks as well…we were talking and she asked my opinion on how to handle discussing a very sensitive topic with her other daughter, 12 (or 13?) and what I thought about her and her husband wanting to wait until she’s a little older to lay out the full story for her about the sensitive topic in reference to her bfather…which I’m not saying the whole topic etc. because Sweet Pea’s mom asked me not to tell/talk about it with anyone, she was okay with me talking about it to my Hubby and my Dad, but didn’t want me to talk/spread it around so that’s why I’m being generic etc. here. But this was awesome to me that she asked my opinion in much the same way I thought it was awesome that Bookworm’s mom asked my opinion on what I mentioned above…that Sweet Pea’s mom also treats me as an equal and a friend who’s advice/insight and opinion matters and not as just Sweet Pea’s bmom etc.

***Another thing I love about Sweet Pea’s mom is how she asks me sometimes if x, y, or z are traits, behaviors or mannerisms that she’s seen Sweet Pea do that might come from me or my family. She is okay with talking about and often is the one who says or mentions to me how she sees similarities such as hair/face/eyes or this behavior, mannerism or personality trait that she can tell Sweet Pea got from me. I love hearing about how Sweet Pea has things/looks etc. similar to me and Bookworm as well…and recently Sweet Pea’s mom was telling me how her other daughter (also adopted) looks so much like her bdad and then talking about how Sweet Pea looks quite a bit like me. Then Sweet Pea’s mom told me that was fine with her, that she loved having Sweet Pea look like me :D.

***Sweet Pea’s mom also encourages if Sweet Pea wants to talk/know anything about me, her adoption, where she came from etc…Sweet Pea is just at a different age/stage then Bookworm so we don’t talk online or anything like I do with Bookworm…at least not yet anyway. Sweet Pea’s mom talks with me about everything and is just one of my best/closest friends…the list could go on and on, but I’ll leave it at these few things about both my girls moms and our relationships/friendships.

***Something else I thought of the other day with all these things that are awesome and adoption related etc…my family asks about my girls, how they’re doing, how things are, how their afamilies are and asks to see pictures and my parents send them things along with my packages on holidays, birthdays etc…I think it’s great the way my family is about it and doesn’t treat it like it’s taboo or not okay to talk about etc…although my mom isn’t perfect, but see that’s just my mom in general with everything.  Also Hubby and his family ask about my girls etc. and his parents claim my girls as their grandkids too…Hubby’s mom puts their pictures up on her fridge too…they also encourage my relationships with my girls and their families and Hubby talks and is friends with them also.

***One thing I thought of with all these great things that still sticks out to me and means so much to me…more than my Dad will ever know or anyone will ever completely understand…is that I was talking to my Dad on the phone about things…I think it was when I’d found out about Bookworm’s parents divorcing however many months ago now…and I was trying to express some of my thoughts/emotions about this whole new development and how it made me feel regarding the choice I had made to place Bookworm 7-8 years ago now. And really I was trying to express some of my thoughts/emotions that I’d been trying to express about the whole adoption experience and being a mother who’d placed twice etc., but didn’t have the words…and my Dad filled in the blanks and gave me the words…when I was trying to say it’s not that I am saying I didn’t make the right choice/decision because I still believe/feel I did what was right and best for Bookworm and myself in that situation when I placed her…but it’s that I wish or a part of me wishes it could have been different somehow or ugh…I don’t know how to say what I’m trying to say here…I said that to my Dad on the phone and then said…do you know what I’m trying to say here?…after which my Dad said, yes I think I do, you’re saying there’s some regret there and I was like YES, thank you for saying that…and then we went on to discuss it more…it’s still something discussed on and off, but my Dad saying that and talking with me validated me in so many ways and on so many levels…when he said that it resonated with something deep inside me…that I had been trying to voice and find the right words for some time and I love the way he said it.

It wasn’t “I regret that I placed Bookworm or Sweet Pea for adoption”…it was that there is SOME REGRET there…meaning it’s okay for me to feel some regret because I think for a long time I felt like I couldn’t be okay and know I did what was right/best for both my girls when I placed them and still feel some regret about it, but talking with my Dad etc. about it and then processing through it some more I’ve just recently come to the realization that it’s okay to have some regret and still know/feel that I did what was right/best in placing both my girls. It was so awesome that moment with my Dad and that conversation to start coming to that realization that I did have some regret, but I still know and feel that I did what was right/best for my girls and myself when I placed them, if that makes any sense cause I know it does to me and it felt freeing to me to talk with my Dad and have him give me the words I was searching for to express myself and for him to validate me so awesomely as he did with that.

Because after he said to me well yeah I think you’re saying you have some regret, he said and that is to be expected…how could you not go through what you did and not feel/have to deal with the element of regret as well as the grief and everything else you’ve been experiencing and dealing with all this time since you placed both Bookworm and Sweet Pea. It was just an awesome, awesome moment for me and for me to have with My Dad as well that I think will forever stick out to me and it was another good step for me in dealing with all my emotions and everything.

So, there ya have it all the awesome, amazing things I’ve thought of recently that are adoption related among other things that I felt the need to write down.  And there it is…I’m still more of a pro adoption person then an anti adoption person and that’s my choice…some of you may not agree or be upset with me/at me because I am not anti adoption, but it is who I am and what I choose to be.  And while I’m more of a pro adoption person…I don’t, however, think adoption is the answer for every girl who finds herself in a position where she is considering adoption, parenting or abortion…I think it is a very valid choice and can be a good choice if it’s the right/best thing or you feel it’s the right/best thing for you and your child, but I don’t agree with unethical adoption practices…or mothers being coerced/pressured to place their child for adoption or told that they can’t talk about it and so on.

I just feel that adoption can be a good choice if it’s a choice/decision that’s made with the right kind of help and such…with the understanding that a mother can change her mind at any time whether she’s choosing to parent or place etc…meaning if she wants to parent and changes her mind to place that’s her choice if she feels it’s best and has examined her options wisely and thought it through and if she wants to place and changes her mind to parent that’s her choice as well too.  I don’t look down on anyone who chooses to parent not place or anything…there is no easy choice or easy way out when you find yourself in the kind of situation where you find yourself considering the options of adoption, parenting/single parenting or abortion (side note here I don’t consider abortion an option personally…I simply put it because most people consider those three choices to be what you choose from when faced with an unwed pregnancy etc., but I’ve never considered abortion to be an option because just as I’m more of a pro adoption person, I’m pro life and strongly against abortion).

So, these are just my thoughts and opinions on things…and while I support adoption as a good, valid choice if it is made wisely and from an educated standpoint etc. and is what you feel is best…I also feel that it should be shared when a girl/woman is deciding whether to place or not etc…that there will be some regret and it will be hard no matter what…the agency I used both times called me in once to talk to a girl considering placing her child for adoption and they wanted me to talk to her…when I went and talked to her…I asked her questions about what she thought and felt and what she’d found out…what she kept coming back to is I don’t know what to do, I don’t know so I told her this…”what it comes down to is can you live with this or not? I mean you have to listen to your heart and what you think/feel and you have to say to yourself if I decide to place does it feel right, can I do it and if I do it, will I be able to look back in a year or so I say I’m okay with what I did and the choice I made because what it comes down to is what you know in your heart and what choice you can live with and what you know is best for you and your child.” I also told her not to think or worry/consider anyone else and their opinion or how they factored in…just herself and her baby and what she felt in her heart and could she look back and be okay with that she placed because if not she most likely should not do it…I believe she chose to parent her baby…and that was not just because of what I said but because she already knew that in her heart that she couldn’t place and be okay with it and that she didn’t feel it was best for her and her baby and that was her choice and I’m glad she did what she knew was best and right for her and her child, just like I did for me and my girls.

I don’t try to paint rosy pictures although it is or may seem rosy at times…I just try to be real when I talk about my experience and emotions with having placed both my daughters for adoption and how it’s affected and continues to affect me, my family and my life in a lot of ways that aren’t always expected either. As long as someone has all the facts and isn’t pressured or coerced and feels adoption is the right/best thing for them to do then I support it and that’s my two cents on that  along with my awesome facts about my girls moms, my experience, my family and everything :).

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Reflecting…

It’s just from watching some movies I’ve watched lately, things that have been going on with life and all…I suppose…but I’ve been reflecting on life and having some trips down memory lane recently.

There’s too much to say all right now, but let’s say first of all, I saw Juno against my better judgment and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, but I didn’t think it was that well done and of course, it wasn’t realistic at all from my perspective.  Some parts in the movie, I saw hints of the real life version of what would have been going on in that situation with unplanned pregnancy, adoption, marital problems etc., but they weren’t more than just hints.

Of course, there were a few parts that really kind of got to me as was to be expected and I found myself holding back tears and aching some having the memories come back to me of when I went through my experiences of having, placing, meeting the adoptive parents/families and so forth.  I held back tears and remarks a few times during the movie because I was watching it with one of my roommates as well as my fiance and my roommate doesn’t know.

Anyway, there’s just been a lot going on with planning the wedding, dealing with the boy (recent past bf) and his friend(s) being mean and whatever to me and then not talking and then apologizing and talking again – who knows.  I just feel like that song all over again right now when thinking of the boy and his friend(s)…the song I mentioned before in a recent past post called “My Give a Damns Busted” by Jo Dee Messina.  There’s some other songs that I think probably would describe my feelings on that better, but that’s one of them…I’m just tired of all the emotional rollercoaster stuff with them and the whole trying to be friends thing so I’m feeling like it’s time to just let it go and whatever will be, will be.

I’m also feeling melancholy and reflecting on life because all my roommates are moving out as of tomorrow/Tuesday and then I’ll be moving out soon…I’m feeling like this part of my life, this era, is coming to a close and a new one’s beginning with getting married and all and some of it, starting this new era, closing the other one and everything is making me feel sad and long for some of my past days…while at the same time getting more excited and anxious to start this new era, this new adventure with getting married and moving forward with my life.

It’s just all so exciting and scary all at the same time leaving one thing and moving onto another in life.  All the changes…they both thrill and make you a little nervous and scared all at the same time.

Anyway, just some random thoughts of mine while I’ve been reflecting on how my life’s gone in the past year or so and on where I am now to where I was a year or two ago.  It’s just interesting where life takes you and how things happen as they do so you end up where you do in your life.

After 5 Years…

It’s all still here…all the pain, sadness, happiness…the bitter with the sweet…I can still remember clearly holding my baby girl in my arms and the bitter with the sweet when thinking of her and those few days I had before I placed her in the arms of her parents.

I was talking to my Dad on the phone a little bit ago and we were talking about how we can’t believe it’s been 5 years already…where does the time go…how does it go so fast and then I’ve wondered how I’ve kept going sometimes without my girls…5 years without A, who’s birthday it is today and 3 years without K…how has that much time passed…

While my Dad and I were talking we were remembering the dreary weather that weekend 5 years ago when A was born and I remembered for the first time in quite some time…some parts I’ve blocked out…of the pain and the emotions I felt and how it was for me when I went home alone without my little girl and woke up that first morning after alone without her too…and now I understand why I haven’t remembered and have blocked those memories and emotions out for a while like I have…cause having thought and remembered them now…brings it all back and my heart is hurting again *sighs*.

I can’t believe she’s 5 years old today and going to start kindergarten this year and she’s growing up without me…oh I knew this is what I signed up for when I placed her…but it just hits you different on their birthdays for some reason…

I still remember sitting by her in the nursery when I couldn’t sleep and how she was having trouble sleeping that night too so I stayed with her a while and how her little hand wrapped around my finger and then she could sleep.  How could I not remember that powerful moment and memory…when I felt the strength of the mother/daughter bond with her little hand on mine and now she’s 5 years old…it just blows my mind.

I hope all her dreams come true and that she gets my birthday presents in the mail today.  I still have to write her birthday letter and e-mail it asap…I just wish it didn’t have to be so emotional and hard at times to write the birthday letters.

I’m already emotional…trying not to be ha ha…like it’s possible to not be emotional on their birthdays.

Anyway…I’m trying to think of things to say for the birthday letter…and like I wrote when it was K’s birthday in November…I just miss her…so much…and it seems like I’ve said it all before so I never know what else I can say other than simply I miss her so so much.

Happy Birthday to my little Princess…I hope all your dreams come true (((HUGS))) to you on your special day =).

I Miss Her…

What more is there to say? Her birthday is on Wednesday and she’s turning 3 years old. I just mailed her birthday packages to her family for her today and now I have to sit down sometime this week and write/e-mail a birthday letter to her.

The birthday letters are always hard and I always end up breaking down when I write them…anyway, I’ve said it all before and I keep feeling it…I don’t know how else to say it…

It just hit me today…tonight for some reason…but I really, really miss her a lot right now…I miss my baby girl who’s growin up so fast.

I have other things to update on…I know…but that’s all I have right now is that I’m missing her and my other girl too.

Hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving.

It’s One of Those Dates…

That triggers something for me sometimes still…August 11…it’s been 7 years now since I got married the first time on August 11 in 2000, which ended in divorce in 2001.  The divorce was final by the judge on June 1, 2001 after I had kicked my ex-husband out in April, I believe it was.

Anyway, this date of August 11 still has some triggers and emotions for me even after all this time…it’s lessened a lot and I’ve moved forward with my life and let go of a lot, but there’s still some things there from that first marriage.  I always think maybe one of these years I won’t notice the date of August 11 and it will go by me without me noticing at all, but that hasn’t quite happened yet.

Right now though, this date is something I still notice and remember to an extent.  I remember how happy I was, innocent and naive getting married on this day 7 years ago…only to have it all fall to pieces almost immediately after I married.  Anyway, I remember my first wedding and everything…the whole bittersweet thing sometimes still especially on this date of August 11.

I find myself specifically at times around this date each year, remembering my ex-husband, and wondering if he’s changed at all since I was with him.  If he’s figured out and/or found any kind of real happiness for himself in his life with anyone else or not and I do know because of happening on some information by chance once about two years ago or so that he has a son by some ex-girlfriend of his and that he hasn’t married again since we divorced and he’s still looking for happiness and hasn’t changed much at all.

I hope that someday he’ll be able to figure out and find some real happiness for himself in his life and change himself for the better.  But he’s not my problem anymore so I don’t dwell on it anymore, but these thoughts pass through my head nonetheless on this date of August 11.

I guess you could say that to an extent I still grieve for my failed marriage and some things on the date of August 11.  Well and perhaps I think more about it sometimes like this year and last year because I’m heading toward another marriage with another man, who’s totally different and so much better, wonderful and well fitted for me than my first was.

So, perhaps I have thought a little more about my first marriage and my first husband because I’ve found someone else to have happiness with and to be with and since I’ve figured some things out and been able to find happiness and a second chance at a happy, successful marriage in the future with someone now, I hope for my first husband to find the same for himself some day.

Just some random thoughts I’ve had in my head today, I guess and some emotions etc. that I’m not quite sure how to express or what to say here other than what I’ve said.

It’s the whole thing, I guess, with having lost and letting go of one dream to find and have another better dream now.

So Much To Say…

Man, there’s always so much to say and no time to say it in, it seems.

This past week was my Spring break and what a week ha ha. I’m glad it’s over…not the Spring break part, but everything else that happened wasn’t that great, well most of what else happened anyway.

Let’s see…where to start…first off my boyfriend had a cold when we headed down home for the break and then I caught the cold and then we were both sick with colds for a while. Then we hung out together, with some of his friends and with my family and had fun for the first few days we were down home for break.

After a few days, I headed out with family for a little trip to Southern Utah for a few days and that was alright for the first day or two, but then it sucked cause I was getting better from my cold and caught the really nasty flu mentioned in the previous post. So, on Tuesday, my family and I headed off on the trip and stopped to drop the birthday package off for my oldest bdaughter, who turned 4 on Wednesday, Mar. 14, and then we did a few things on Tuesday. Then on Wednesday, we went out and hiked around a little, then went to the library and some museums etc. doing some family history searching kind of stuff. After that, we went to a Dinosaur track museum down in St. George and checked out some other things.

Also on Wednesday, which was my oldest bdaughter’s birthday, we had a few cupcakes and sang “Happy Birthday” and took some pictures etc. in honor of her birthday. Then we went out to dinner at a steak house and went driving around looking at the town at night for a little bit then went back to our hotel. We settled in and watched some movie on cable, which turned out to be really weird and kind of wacky and then headed to bed.

Well, Wednesday night, not long after I’d finally gone to bed and fallen asleep, I had some weird dreams about fighting with other people as to whether or not I was going to be sick, then I woke up and had to run to the bathroom because I was sick. So, then for a while Wednesday night, I was sick in the bathroom and then I thought I was done being sick so I went back to bed and thought/hoped I’d be fine in the morning.

Thursday morning, I got up, feeling kind of icky still so I didn’t eat much breakfast and tried to eat a little of things that would settle on an upset stomach. We got packed up to leave and head back that morning as was the plan and then we drove off planning to check out some more things before we headed home. We went to check out some of the hiking areas we’d been at before and then I started feeling worse so we went and got 7-up and crackers from the store and a little bucket.

After a while, driving in the car, I had to switch from the backseat to the front and then I started doing better so we headed off to Zions to check out some places there. We went to Zions and I kept feeling better so we went around and did some little walks, took pictures and I just sat in the car for a while there too. Then when we were in the middle of one of the walks, I started feeling like I was going to be sick so we turned around and went back to the car. When we got back to the car, we were going to head up to go through a tunnel and look at a view, but I wasn’t doing good so we changed and headed straight home then.

On the way home, I started getting more sick and we kept having to stop at rest stops and it was the worst drive home of my life. Then finally we got home, I got settled on the couch and was able to get a little bit of liquid and food in me and then get to bed to sleep. On Friday, I woke up still feeling weird, but a little better so I worked on trying to get better and keep liquid and food done on Friday again, then I overdid it and had a relapse then had to go through a bunch of stuff again before I could start feeling/getting better again. Then when I woke up on Saturday, I was really weak and I’d come close to dehydration once or twice by then so my mom was really pushing liquids on me and then I started to finally make some real progress by Saturday afternoon and in the afternoon was when Cory showed up and helped me to finish making progress with getting better from that nasty flu bug.

Saturday night and Sunday were weak and kind of icky days still, but I’ve made a lot more progress and have been able to get a lot of my strength back now. I got to take care of things, pack, load up and head back up to our apartments by school with Cory on Sunday night so I’m doing much better now, but I’m still feeling not quite all back to normal, but mostly I’m back to my same old self now…finally – ack, I hate flus like that :p.

Anyway, that was my Spring break in a nutshell – sounds like tons of fun, doesn’t it – ha ha. I have more to say about my 4 yr old’s recent birthday and other things, but I’ll save that to write and put up with some of the pics I have of myself from that day.

I have other wandering thoughts I’d like to write on, but I think I’ll save them for another time in the next little while to write about here. I had thoughts about wondering about if there was or might have been any connection between my getting so sick and my 4 yr old’s birthday that Wednesday night…like connection between the emotional and physical or something…although it’s never done that before though, but it was a thought that passed through my mind once.

Also I had some thoughts about how love heals because of how much better I did and faster I seemed to start making progress and getting over that nasty flu once Cory was around and helping me. It also lead me to other thoughts of how love can heal wounds of different kinds as well as help heal from sickness and things.

I’ve also had some memories coming back to the surface recently of some things from my past that I’ve thought were kind of strange because I haven’t thought of them for so long and now suddenly, it seems, they’ve surfaced briefly again. It also happens to be around anniversary dates with these things from my past and I think some of them surfacing again has to do with how my life is now going in a new, different direction and how I’m going to be getting married this year and all.

It’s been an interesting week in a lot of ways and I’ve also had some interesting dreams to say the least lol.

A Haunting Memory

James Blunt-Your’e Beautiful (mtv)

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While I don’t know if I like this music video with this song a lot, I like the song.  I was listening to the radio earlier today and heard this song and it sparked a memory of mine.

I found myself remembering something like this that happened to me except I was a girl and the guy caught my eye.  Oh and I didn’t go jump in the ocean over it either and I don’t know that I’ll never be with the guy.  I just haven’t seen him since that moment we shared kind of like he talks about in the song.

I don’t know why, but for some reason I always remember this one dance I went to.  I’ve been to lots and lots of dances too, but not many of them stick in my mind like this one and a few others have stuck with me.

Anyway, I always have remembered being at this one dance and this guy coming over and dancing with me and how we hit it off.  He was around my same height and he and I were having intelligent conversation.  He also wasn’t freaked out about my going into Psychology/Social Work and wanting to be a counselor like most others had been that I’d talked to back then.

I can’t explain it, but in that brief time we were talking and dancing together he and I really connected.  His name was Mike and of course, I didn’t know his last name and after the dance we were talking and really getting along well when he told me his friends were motioning him over so he had to go see what they wanted since he’d ridden with them to the dance. 

He told me he was going to go check what they wanted and then he said that He’d come back over, if he could (if they weren’t leaving), because he wanted to talk to me more and maybe get my number or something.  I remember I said um okay and just stood and watched him go over to his friends and then a friend of mine came and asked me what was going on so I told her.

After I told my friend and was standing there, I said why am I standing here, I should go ask him for his phone number or see if I can talk to him before he leaves instead of just standing here waiting.  So, I remember going over to the corner where I’d last seen him talking to his friends and catching a glimpse of him and he of me and then he was lost to the crowd as was I. 

Then when the crowd cleared and I could finally move around and try to find him again, he was gone.  He’d, of course, had to leave with his friends and it was like he’d vanished.  I kept going to dances for a long time after that in hopes of seeing him again, but I never did, but I still wonder about him sometimes.

August 11

Toni Braxton – Unbreak My Heart

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Here’s to the date, August 11, it would have been my 6 year wedding anniversary today.

Instead, I’ve been divorced for a little over 5 years.  I’ve come a long way and I’m better off without him and all the abuse and heartache, but today is still kind of hard for me.

Despite it all, I still grieve.  It’s that stupid grief cycle all over again – it never ends.

So, here’s to my grief with this day.  My grief over losing him – the good side of him and the failed marriage, lost hopes and dreams I once had 6 years ago.