Feeling Betrayed…

I know…that’s a big surprise…what with everything I’ve found out recently about my 7 yr. old’s parents getting divorced and all.

But yes, I’m still processing…and feeling a range of things as I probably will on and off for quite a while and maybe for the rest of my life when things pop up. As in new things that have to do with and be dealt with in regards to my 7 yr. old now coming from a divorced home and what not as she grows up.

The main thing is my being sad about this whole thing besides dealing with being angry and upset…because I feel betrayed and hurt by my 7 yr. old’s adad to be a little more specific…

I mean he betrayed his wife, my 7 yr. old’s mom, and he betrayed and hurt himself even more whether or not he realizes that yet, but most of all he betrayed and hurt his daughter, which is also my daughter. And there is where a lot of my feelings of betrayal and hurt come from besides the fact…that although he hasn’t thought of it and maybe never will think or realize it…he betrayed and hurt me…the other mother…but he probably doesn’t even realize or think of that.

My 7 yr. old’s mom has thought of that and apologized to me and felt bad that she’s had to tell me about them getting a divorce and the whole situation cause she knows that it affects me too. Even though it’s not as direct or maybe not as major to me as it is to them and to my 7 yr. old, she knows and understands that it does affect me as well. She knows that this isn’t what I wanted/hoped for for my 7 yr. old and I know that she didn’t want this for my 7 yr. old either that’s why we’re both her mother because we both love her and would do anything and everything we could for her and we both want what’s best for her.

But my 7 yr. old’s dad lost sight of that when he made some wrong choices that ultimately lead to this divorce and this situation that they’re now in.

And he’s hurt more people than he realizes or knows because my family feels it as well…this is another of those things that has more of a ripple effect that some/a lot of people realize or know sometimes.

It’s just the thing that I’m working through with my emotions etc. and thinking of lately that really has me feeling betrayed and hurt is that…

I trusted him…I gave him the ultimate thing when I placed my child with him and in his care for him to play the role of the father to her and he just threw it away now. Of course, it was gradual…and not all at once, but ultimately now he has thrown that away and I feel like he threw my trust out the window and stomped on it…whether he will ever see how he betrayed me and my trust as well as betraying and hurting the trust of his wife and my 7 yr. old, I don’t know, but he did.

My feeling of being betrayed, of course, doesn’t compare to how his wife, my 7 yr. old’s mom is feeling and what she has to process through and what my 7 yr. old will feel and perhaps have to process through one day, but on another level…it is there.

I trusted him completely and with my child and he betrayed me and that trust.

Not that it’s new, my trusting someone and being betrayed…I just never thought that my 7 yr. old’s adad would betray me and my trust in him this way.

I think part of why this is hard for me on some level and more to process through is because it also brings up some of my past when I trusted and was betrayed by my ex-husband and now by the adad of my 7 yr. old.


Bitten by Old Fears Resurfacing…

And insecurities and so forth. As some of you know I’ve been up and down having a hard time with things and working through things with my boy lately as well as dealing with a sudden blast from the past – see psycho ex suddenly and totally out of the blue attempting to contact me.

Well because of the psycho ex suddenly resurfacing and my living back at home around my mother – see toxic influence and some things that happened in the past with my boy that we’re working through and so forth…I’m having old fears resurfacing and some of my old messed up thinking showing up again in regards to trust, self-worth, self-confidence and those kinds of things.

I attempted to get back in contact with one of my former counselors this past week even before the psycho ex resurfaced briefly, but my counselor is out of town. Imagine him needing to go on a vacation now of all times…at any rate, I’m suppose to stop by sometime this next week to get in touch with him when he should be back from his vacation. I’m not sure how excited I am about talking to my counselor again, but I know I need to…I need some help again with straightening my thinking out again and what not so it doesn’t affect my relationship with my boy negatively more than it may already have affected it.

I had a bad dream yesterday and it affected me and my mood negatively and I got upset at the boy for no valid reason but rather because of the dream and how he’d been in my dream and well because it was tied to one of my fears/insecurities of losing him to that girl he’s friends with that I mentioned one other time in the past here.

Anyway, in the dream, I dreamed that, basically, he chose her over me and then I talked to him about it last night and he said he hasn’t hung out with her since we had a discussion about it and I told him I didn’t feel okay with it. He talked to this girl once just after we got back from Lake Powell a week ago because she text him about going on a hike sometime together and told her some of what was going on, which kind of bothered me having him tell her some of our problems, but it’s in the past now and she told him she was sorry for any trouble she’d caused and said she didn’t want to be the reason our relationship had problems so in that conversation it was decided they would stay friends and talk sometimes, but wouldn’t hang out because she didn’t want to cause problems and he told me I was more important so he didn’t want to do anything that would hurt me, make me uncomfortable or what not.

So, anyway last night we had a full out talk about that situation and he reassured me about that this girl that is his friend isn’t a threat and doesn’t like him and he doesn’t like her and he wants to be with me. I felt like an idiot, but some of this has to do with the old fears and issues I’ve had resurfacing, which is why I want to go talk to my counselor. Then we were talking and discussing some other things about trust and what not and it came out that he’s noticed me having a hard time with trusting myself and having confidence like I’ve noticed lately too and he asked me why I’m having a hard time with that and I tried to explain it with some of the stuff from my past, but the thing is I’m not even sure why I’m having a hard time with some of these things again. I have some ideas, but I’m not sure if that’s what they are or if there’s more to them resurfacing again that I haven’t acknowledged to myself yet, if ya know what I mean.

Anyway, I was trying to talk with the boy about these things and what not and somehow it came up we were discussing that some of my fears etc. have to do with the part of my past of having a failed marriage etc., which it does…that I’m scared of making a mistake and having another failed marriage and so forth. So, we were talking about that and all and mentioned something about fairy tales and how we haven’t had fairy tale lives…neither of us have and I don’t remember exactly what he said or how he said it, but he asked me why he couldn’t be my fairy tale and I said I don’t know why you couldn’t be my fairy tale, you could, you can and he said well then why don’t you let go of some of these things and let me be your fairy tale and I was like I don’t know what I’m suppose to let go of or what’s going on right now that’s why.

But it cut me like a knife to see the look on his face and hear the tone of his voice when he asked me why he couldn’t be my fairy tale. I don’t want to hurt him, but I know I probably do unintentionally with all my emotional baggage, walls and so forth that I keep up and have been taking me forever to take down or let go of so that I can let him in. Well and I’m scared of letting him in completely because of some things that happened between us at the beginning of the year/last year that we’re still working through the effects of having had them happen. I’m trying to figure out how to finish working through them and letting them go, but I’m having a hard time, I think with some of it and need some extra outside help from my counselor.

Well and then he was asking me last night what was wrong and telling me that he knows something is wrong and that I’m scared of something, but he doesn’t know what it is that I’m scared of. I’m not even completely sure what it is that I am afraid of right now…I think I’m afraid of more than one thing though and those fears, well, most, if not all of them are in connection to my past. I mean I’m afraid of making a mistake where I end up in a failed marriage again…I’m afraid I’m not capable of making the right choice. I’m afraid of giving all as in 100% trust to things and finding out I placed my trust in the wrong place. I’m afraid of being intimate with someone again…I think even a part of me is afraid of having children again…even though that’s what I want more than anything because of the emotions that will probably come up when I have children of my own and raise them. I’m also afraid of getting married and the off chance that I’ll have fertility problems or something like that.

With the fear of being intimate with someone again when I was thinking about all this last night and trying to sort through it all and talk with the boy to help him understand some of where I’m coming from and so forth, I had the memories and thoughts come to mind of how I was pressured and forced into sex so many times and felt or was raped by my ex-husband at least once that comes to mind vividly when the thought comes to mind as well as by the psycho ex that tried to suddenly contact me the other day. I experienced dissociation and PTSD in the past and suppose I still do sometimes and I don’t know I was wondering if I’m going to have to tell the boy about some of this because I haven’t told him about my fear of intimacy because of these reasons with having been pressured/coerced into sex or being raped/feeling like I was raped by two of the guys in my past. I just haven’t thought I needed to tell him or felt the need to tell him yet, but maybe I will have to tell him some of this…I don’t know, I guess we’ll see.

Well and then with my past experiences, I’ve always tried hard, tried to make the guys happy and work through things and what not, but no matter how hard I tried, how much I did or how much I loved the guys in my past…they always left me so I have this other stupid fear that no matter how hard I try or what I do or how much I love that Cory will leave me too because it’s too hard to be with someone like me with all my emotional baggage and such. I know most of these fears and such make no sense and are irrational, but they’re there for me to deal with nonetheless. Then there’s my irrational thinking that I sometimes think it’s not fair to Cory to be with someone like me and that he deserves to be with someone other than me that doesn’t have my past or my emotional baggage.

I know it’s totally irrational thinking and I shouldn’t think it…I really don’t have much if any foundation to give valid reason to think irrationally like this, but I am, for some reason thinking that way and need to figure out why and straighten out my thinking again. I mean Cory’s still with me and trying to work through things with me and help me figure things out and he told me last night how much he loves me and always will love me no matter what and that he’s there for me so he is the guy that I want and that I love so what is my problem anyway…

This is why, among other reasons, I need to go talk to my counselor and get some help figuring things out…hopefully he’ll be back from his vacation when I go in to talk to him again this week.

Edited to add a little update here:  I was talking with the boy again tonight about this, that and the other and he mentioned something to the effect so that I know I did mention or tell him in the past about the rape/being pressured and coerced into sex issues.  I had forgotten that I told or mentioned it to him because it was so long ago that I mentioned it to him, but today was a better day and I’m feeling better and more positive about things again.  I’ve pinpointed more about where the trust and confidence issues are from somewhat and know that it just needs some time for me to get those feelings back again and going to counseling and some other things I’m going to do in the next couple weeks will help me progress and get back there where I need and want to be quicker so just have to keep holding on a little longer here :).

Just Thinking…Again

Yep, here I am, thinking…my deep thinking, which usually happens late at night when I should be sleeping ha ha.

I was going to go to bed and write in here tomorrow, but I decided I should write it down now while it was fresh in my mind, in case I forgot it by the time I sat down to write in here tomorrow, which I’ll still probably do, knowing myself.

Anyway, I was thinking about Cory and how everything’s happened between us and it really is an interesting story if you know it from what I’ve mentioned here in the past.  So, I was just thinking about how I always said that whoever the guy was that I’d end up with would have to be patient, understanding, loving and so forth because of all that comes with me that he’d have to deal with, ya know and Cory said something just in random conversation about a week ago that just hit me differently when I was thinking about it just now and I realized he is that kind of guy.

It was about a week ago on Friday night, when I was down visiting my parents and working on figuring things out down there…Cory and I were hanging out with his friend Jeff and Jeff’s brother, Wes and I was in a weird, hyper mood.  Of course, it was normal for me to be in a weird, hyper mood on a Friday night when I’m having fun with my boyfriend and some other people I knew too, ya know.

Well, I was a little crazy that night and joking around with them being all weird and we were just talking about things when Cory said this that struck me.  He said, in reference to us joking about if Jeff were to try to date me kind of thing…he said to Jeff, well let me tell you, if you really think you would want to try to get to know her and date her, if I weren’t dating her – it was a weird and silly conversation – you’d have fun, hanging out with her, getting to know her and all, but you’d have to put up with some crap and you’d have to take some jabs she’d throw at you, but if you really wanted to get to know her and saw underneath how she really was then after you waited it out for a while, she’d stop throwing jabs at you and be this wonderful, amazing, beautiful girl that she is because she’d finally realize you weren’t out to get her or hurt her like other guys and that you really loved her and were in it for her because you really did love and care about her.   Well, I may not be exact, but I think that was pretty much the way he said it.

Then, of course, after he said that, Jeff and his brother, Wes, looked at him kind of weird for a second, then looked at me and went okay then.  It just hit me when I was remembering and thinking about this just now that he has waited me out and put up with my jabs until I’ve finally started to realize and know that he’s here for me and really loves me and doesn’t want to hurt me.  He’s waited for my walls to weaken and start to come down and to let things happen when they happened instead of trying to push or rush them like other guys tried to do in my past.

He’s had to be patient with me a lot and still does have to be patient with me as I do with him…but I don’t know how to explain it…it just dawned on me in a different way of how much he must really love me for him to put up with me and to have waited all that time to get to the real me underneath all my walls I’ve put up to protect myself.

I mean does any of this make any sense…I could just be rambling because it’s late and I need to get to bed.  It struck a cord with me that brought another level of realization to me about him and his love for me and everything, ya know.

Okay, I better get some sleep before I have to get up for church tomorrow and then I’ll see if I come up with anything else to say in here that helps make more sense out of this, if this doesn’t make any sense, that is :p.

I’m so in trouble now!!!

Oh, this is bad…I’m freakin out even more now…it’s just that okay when I say this is bad, I mean this is really good, but I say bad cause I’m kind of scared and nervous about it all on and off after all that I’ve been through in the past, ya know.

Anyway, when we hung out earlier tonight/last night, (Friday night), first of all I had fun and loved it and loved being with him again as always.  But then this one time we were hanging out with his roommates/friends on this group date and they asked if we wanted or needed a knife to eat with at dinner, which we didn’t, but anyway I was joking around so I said yeah I want a knife so I can do a mini sword fight or something with it with Cory.  Then Cory says but you wouldn’t want to hurt me and I said why not and he looks at me and says because you love me and I was a little taken aback by him saying that for a second and then I was like how do you know if I love you or not.  Then he was like I know you and just smiles knowingly at me and I’m like ha ha and change the subject.

Well, later on we’re driving in the car following his friends to wherever we’re suppose to be going and his watch was doing this annoying beeping thing.  So, I told his watch to be quiet lol and then Cory all says in response to my telling his watch to be quiet, “Yeah, I love you too” (he said in a way that wasn’t really serious, ya know, don’t know how to describe how he said it) and I was like I was telling your watch that not you. 

So, at the end of the date, we were sitting and talking in the car for a while before we went our separate ways as always.  I was watching him, he was watching me and then he was stroking my cheek and my hair and just looking at me with this really intense look and I couldn’t handle it so I had to look away.  Then I was sitting there in one of these intense moments when we were gazing at each other and I just looked at him and thought to myself, “I love him”, Oh my gosh, I love him.

When I thought to myself that I love him I felt like I was going to explode.  My heart felt like it was going to burst and I don’t know how to explain it, but I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.  I didn’t even feel this way about my ex-husband either.

I haven’t said this out loud or anything, of course, because I’m waiting to see if he says something or not because I don’t know if I want to say it yet or first so I’m just waiting to see.

And it all continues on… 

Brief Update

I just thought I’d put a brief update on here on how things are going and all with Cory.

Well, we had a talk earlier tonight (Sunday night) because I wanted to talk about setting some rules, guidelines and such for us with some things.  Anyway, the talk went well and we got things straightened out and all.

After we finished the talk about some rules, guidelines etc., he asked me some questions which kind of lead the conversation/the rest of the talk where it went next, which was that I ended up telling him more about my marriage, divorce etc. because he asked about it.  Then I ended up telling him about my girls because he was asking some other questions and the conversation/talk just went that way so naturally it ended up coming about that I shared with him about everything along with talking about rules and guidelines for things with kissing and such.

It was just a natural, comfortable thing the way it happened and I told and shared these things with him so it ended up going pretty well.  He handled it really well and he wasn’t all crazy that’s soo great/cool etc. and he wasn’t all that’s soo bad either.  He was just like I imagine that would be hard and I’m sorry you’ve had to go through these things in your life.

He told me that he was really glad we had the talk afterwards because he learned a lot about me cause I ended up bearing my soul to him basically.  He was impressed and amazed with me and how strong I am to have dealt with and gone through what I have and such, ya know.

He also told me a little bit more about him and some things here and there and he asked some questions about my girls and stuff.  I answered his questions and somehow it came up that I mentioned to him how sometimes I get emotional etc. around their birthdays and he told me he’d be there for me if I wanted to talk to him if I was having a hard time on or around their birthdays.  So, he was already showing that he’s willing to be supportive and be there for me in relation to these things I told him.

Oh and also, we kissed for the first time ;).  He kissed me on Saturday night and then I kissed him back so yeah we’ve moved to the kissing stage now. 

Well and basically, I had this great talk with him, shared and bore my soul to him and he reacted calmly, positively and was supportive.  It was a really good talk and I like him that much more now that we’ve had this talk and now that I know he’s not gonna freak out or run away on me and such, ya know what I mean :p.

Oh and basically we went on a walk and had this talk and held hands the whole time.  We stopped and sat to have most of our talk in front of the temple here, one of the LDS/mormon buildings, which is where I want to get married one day is in the temple.

So, it ended up being a really special and kind of romantic time walking, talking and sharing all this with him in front of the temple :).  Oh yeah, another thing, basically we’re kind of like boyfriend/girlfriend now so yeah, it looks like I’ve got a boyfriend after all, who knew ;).

That’s the update for now and we’ll see what happens next as things go on :).

I’m terrified…

of being vulnerable again.  I know that’s no big shocker there if you know me and my story, but there I said it.

I’m scared and freaked out about dating again.  This just came about or should I say rather came more to my attention tonight because I’ve been having nervous butterflies the past day or two and haven’t pinpointed why until tonight.

I’ve been having nervous butterflies because I’m getting a little nervous about moving out in August for one thing and for another, I’m getting more nervous about guys and dating.  This is part of why I’m nervous about moving out is because when I’m out living on my own, I won’t have my house to hide in with my family like I do here anymore. 

I’m going to be putting myself out there even more once I’m moved out this fall, going to school and all.  I feel like I’m ready, but not ready at the same time and kind of like I’m being pushed/nudged out/off the ledge back into the social world and so forth.  This reality is starting to make me more nervous and freaked out as the time comes closer for me to move out and all.

See the thing is if you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know about my moment of clarity from a while back that I had one night/morning.  I’ve been having more of those types of moments of clarity or reminders of that moment of clarity I guess you could say.  So, I’m having more and more of a self realization about myself and how pretty I really am etc., not trying to be stuck up, just trying to explain myself here. 

The thing is the more I realize or have/remember that moment of clarity, the more I realize that I’m not going to be able to hide for much longer before the right kind of guy(s) will find me.  l mean realizing about myself and my worth and beauty has made me realize more what guys are seeing when they see me out there and they’re not going to walk away and leave me alone.  They’re going to talk to me and want to be my friend and then they’ll probably ask me out and this terrifies me.

It scares me to death because some of these guys will be good guys and that means I’ll have to talk to them and I won’t have any good reason for not going out with them other than being afraid.  I’ll have to let myself be vulnerable again, maybe trust them and all and it freaks me out to think of putting myself out there all vulnerable with a guy again because I know that if he’s a good guy I won’t have to worry, but I’m also afraid of things happening again to me like have happened before.

I know they won’t be the same guys as my exes and if they’re the good ones, they won’t do anything to me like my exes did, but it’s still a major fear there lurking for me to deal with one day.  I’m not looking forward to facing this fear and having to let myself be vulnerable, trust or love with a guy again – not looking forward to this it all – really makes me nervous.

It’s just I’ve gotten okay and comfortable with who I am and everything now.  I’m totally fine with being single and happy now too for the most part and now I have to go step out of my comfort zone again and I don’t want to – nope, nope, nope.  I mean I do, but I don’t, ya know what I mean.

I don’t know, I talked, vented, worked through all this with my parents and feel a little better, but I’m still kind of freakin out about it all.  My mom asked me if I would like to go visit my counselor just to talk or anything and I said no because I didn’t think I needed to go talk to him, but I’m wondering about it now.  I mean, it might not be a bad idea to go visit him, just to check in and talk with him.

Maybe I’ll go drop by to say Hi and see if he thinks we need to talk more.  I mean if he thinks it might be a good idea for me to talk to him then we can schedule a time after I go by to say Hi and see what he says or how I feel.  We’ll see, I’ll have to wait until Monday or Tuesday to drop by though.

I mean maybe just dropping by to say Hi and talk for a few minutes will do the trick, we’ll see.

I just wish someone could face the fear and deal with it for me sometimes though ya know.  I know I have to face it, but sometimes I think it’d be cool if someone else could face the fear for me and then let me step in once we get to the good, trusting happy part with a guy lol. 

I don’t want much, do I…just to have my cake and eat it too – that’s all.

Self Defense Mechanisms

Okay so yesterday, I just had some thoughts come to me that aren’t new, but that I don’t think I’ve ever written down.  I’m not sure why these thoughts came to me – to the surface again yesterday though, but they did.

I think maybe part of why these thoughts surfaced is because I’ve had a couple guys message me on myspace that I’m wary of, of course.  Also I gave my phone no to a guy a couple weeks ago when I went to a dance and then afterward wished I hadn’t because he’s just not the type of guy I want to date – well, he’s tried calling me a few times now – but either no one’s around or no one answers the phone because I don’t want to go out with him.  The only reason I gave him my phone no was because he caught me off guard and I was being ‘too nice’ and who knows what else, but if I had been thinking more straight, not caught off guard etc., I would not have given him my phone number.  Anyway, that’s not the point – that is just some of why I think these thoughts surfaced yesterday.

Now to get to my thoughts here, it’s just I was thinking in specific of an exchange I had with messages exchanged between myself and a guy on myspace the other day.  I’m not sure what it was exactly, but something said or implied in the exchange of messages started to stir these thoughts and bring them back to the surface again.

Also, a while ago when I was having ‘bad pennies’ turning up, I happened to be in a chat room one night, which I usually don’t go into chat rooms, but this night a month or so ago, I ran into one of the bad pennies in this chat room.  Anyway, he was talking to me like we’re just old friends catching up and then all of a sudden he said to me, “do you think that if I weren’t an ‘internet weirdo’ (his words, not mine), if the way we’d met and tried to have a relationship in the past were different, that things would be different with us now?  Like if we had met in person, known each other in person, would you have given me more of a chance, trusted me more or what?”.  I brushed his question off like it was nothing, turned to humor in the conversation and then shortly after excused myself and left because I knew from past experience nothing good would come of my talking to him and that he couldn’t be just my friend because he still thinks and probably always will that there’s a chance for ‘us’ when there is no ‘us’ and never really was an ‘us’ to begin with in the first place, ya know.

This recent exchange with one of my ‘bad pennies’ and some other recent exchanges with other guys have brought the thoughts to the surface in response to the question he posed.  The question of would I trust him or any other guy more if I met them in person or give them more of a chance.  This question leads me to another thought/memory of an accusation from guys in my past that I am out to get them and all men because of what happened to me, that I am out to get revenge and take my anger on my exes and people in my past who treated me so badly out on these ‘innocent’ guys who just want to have a chance with me.  My response to the question would it be different if we met in person, I doubt it because he is who he is and I am who I am whether we are talking and associating through the internet or in real life.

My response to all these guys and others who have accused me of wanting to take all my anger toward my exes and others who have so badly hurt me in the past out on them, that I only want to have revenge on guys for what’s happened to me and that’s why I don’t trust many or as easily or freely give chances to guys to be with me – that’s not it at all.  I am not just a bitter and scorned woman wanting all men to pay for my suffering.  I don’t keep my walls up and do the things I do just to hurt guys or what have you – I do it for me – I do it to protect myself.

See, these guys who think I’m out for revenge etc., they are looking at that I don’t or won’t give them as much chance as someone who hasn’t been hurt or that I don’t hand out my trust and love to everyone who wants it or wants a chance at having it and having me as that I’m insulting and hurting them.  So, they are looking at it from the perspective that it’s all about me and everything she (I) is doing is personal toward me or misdirected anger at her exes toward me, when it simpy isn’t even close to being that at all.

I am the way that I am because I was so deeply and badly hurt, wounded and broken for a time because I freely gave myself, my love, my trust and my all naively and blindly to a guy once.  That guy was my ex-husband and he ripped me a new one when I only offered him myself, my love, my trust and my all.  I never really did love my last two ex-boyfriends after my divorce not like I loved my ex-husband because of how badly I’d been hurt.  I know I did not trust either of my last two ex-bfs either because my trust had been so badly shattered when I was married to my ex-husband.

To continue giving myself, my love, my trust and my all so freely and naively to others would be very unwise after what I have experienced and known in life.  So, I’m not simply out to hurt men or get revenge, I’m simply much more cautious and hesitant when it comes to this thing called love because I don’t want to have to pick all the pieces of myself, my heart and my soul up off the floor from being broken and shattered again.

There have been times I wanted to freely give myself, my love, my trust and all to a guy since my ex-husband, but I couldn’t because of fear and wanting to protect and keep myself safe in case he wasn’t going to handle me with care.  These are just my ways of protecting myself until I can be sure it’s safe – they are just my self defense mechanisms – not me being angry or wanting revenge – simply wanting to protect myself as much as I possibly can from another heart wrenching heartbreak.

Ever since my divorce and being hurt so badly back then, I’ve always kept people at a distance, especially men.  It even took me a while to allow myself to be close with my parents and family again after what I went through and experienced.  I still sometimes pull back from family and friends because of how badly I was hurt.

Since my bad marriage and divorce, I’ve had a much harder time trusting others especially guys.  I also sometimes have a hard time trusting other girls as well and am hesitant to share things with others about myself.  I know I’ve progressed with letting my guard and walls down with some people and in some situations, but there are some people and situations that my walls and self defense mechanisms are always on full alert.

Some people might say that I need to get over it, learn to be more trusting again of others in general etc. or I may never be able to let the right guy in my life, but my response to that is that when the right guy comes along I will be able to let him in because he will be the right guy.  No one but the right guy or right kind of guy for me will be able to be let in my walls because he will be patient, understanding and not look at what I do or my pulling back if I do it with him as a personal insult to him.  He will be able to look at it and see that I’m simply trying to be cautious and protect myself because of what happened to me in the past and he won’t think I’m out to get him, simply that I’m out to keep what and who is in my best interest in the right place.

I also say that to just naively and freely give my trust, love, myself and all to whoever would be the most foolish and stupid thing I could do.  It would be the most foolish thing to do because then it would show that I had learned nothing from my past experiences.  So, another way I look at it is I am learning from my past and using it to help myself in the present and in the future – I’m not beating myself up for my mistakes – just simply learning from my mistakes and making sure they don’t happen again and so that is some of how my self defense mechanisms have come to be and how I’ve come to be the way I am. 

That is just some of the thoughts and things that I’ve been thinking of lately and that recently surfaced that I wanted to write down here.  It also helps writing these down to reassure and re-confirm to myself that I am okay and that it does make sense that I do what I do and I am what I am because of what happened.  The reasons why I do what I do and I am what I am are legitimate reasons and I don’t need to change them just because a guy here and there think I’m out for revenge.  They just don’t know the whole story and I need to remember that I do know the whole story and this is about me not them in this particular part of my life at this present time in my life.

It just is the way it is for now and that’s all there is to it.  

True Confessions

From Sunday, March 12, 2006

So, here's my 'true confession' for the day – I'm still totally freaked out about dating again. I'm scared to trust a guy again, to open up about myself to him again, to be vulnerable again. How am I going to be able to open up, trust and be okay with being vulnerable again with another guy is what I wonder and think about sometimes.

I know it's an ongoing thing with me wondering and thinking about dating, trusting and being vulnerable with a guy again someday, but seriously it is something that unnerves and scares me a little at times when I think about it. I suppose that could be part of the reason why I'm so happy being single sometimes is because I don't have to open up, trust and be vulnerable with another guy again while I'm single.

Why has this thought, this fear surfaced again, you might be asking? Well, it's always there in the back of my mind and surfaces on and off, but it came to mind now because last night I went to a dance. That's nothing new, I've been to lots of dances before, but most of the time nothing much happens at these dances, but last night I had an all good experience at this dance for the first time and didn't meet any weirdos the whole night, which I thought was a miracle.

Anyway, I met this guy last night at the dance, we talked, danced and had fun. He wasn't weird, at least if he was being up front, honest and real and not being fake anyway. See, I don't trust people especially guys very easily like I once did. There's a part of me who always wonders if someone is being true with me when I first meet them or if they're putting on an act especially with guys.

So, if this guy was for real last night, then he was cool and I really liked him and enjoyed talking and hanging out with him. He was around my age, about 25 yrs old and he served an LDS mission and he was in one of my classes before. We had a good conversation and a good time talking and dancing and he got my phone number afterwards before we said goodbye and left the dance.

I don't know that he'll actually call me though, but maybe he will – you never know. Anyway, last night after the dance I was thinking I hoped and wanted this guy to call me because he was cool and I think it would be cool to hang out with him, get to know him better, but then again I was like well maybe I don't want him to call because then I wouldn't have to deal with facing these problems, issues, fears of trusting, opening up and being vulnerable with a guy again. So, one minute I want this guy to call and the other I don't, but we'll see if anything happens or not.

I just realized thinking about whether or not I really wanted this guy to call last night and today that I was unnerved and scared about having to open up, trust and be vulnerable with another guy. I don't know, I'm not scared about this all the time, but sometimes I am and somedays it unnerves me and others I can't wait to be with the right kind of guy in another relationship.

I guess that's the key is that when I'm with the right kind of guy in another relationship, I won't be scared as much. I think I will be scared and a little hesitant on the beginning – threshold of any new relationship with what I have from my past that causes me to be hesitant to trust as easily with guys now.

I don't know – I think I'm just starting to ramble now, but I know it'll work out when the time's right with the right guy and the right kind of relationship. In the meantime, I still am dealing with fears and issues of trusting, opening up and being vulnerable again and that's just part of what I have to deal with for now in my life.