Okay so yesterday, I just had some thoughts come to me that aren’t new, but that I don’t think I’ve ever written down. I’m not sure why these thoughts came to me – to the surface again yesterday though, but they did.
I think maybe part of why these thoughts surfaced is because I’ve had a couple guys message me on myspace that I’m wary of, of course. Also I gave my phone no to a guy a couple weeks ago when I went to a dance and then afterward wished I hadn’t because he’s just not the type of guy I want to date – well, he’s tried calling me a few times now – but either no one’s around or no one answers the phone because I don’t want to go out with him. The only reason I gave him my phone no was because he caught me off guard and I was being ‘too nice’ and who knows what else, but if I had been thinking more straight, not caught off guard etc., I would not have given him my phone number. Anyway, that’s not the point – that is just some of why I think these thoughts surfaced yesterday.
Now to get to my thoughts here, it’s just I was thinking in specific of an exchange I had with messages exchanged between myself and a guy on myspace the other day. I’m not sure what it was exactly, but something said or implied in the exchange of messages started to stir these thoughts and bring them back to the surface again.
Also, a while ago when I was having ‘bad pennies’ turning up, I happened to be in a chat room one night, which I usually don’t go into chat rooms, but this night a month or so ago, I ran into one of the bad pennies in this chat room. Anyway, he was talking to me like we’re just old friends catching up and then all of a sudden he said to me, “do you think that if I weren’t an ‘internet weirdo’ (his words, not mine), if the way we’d met and tried to have a relationship in the past were different, that things would be different with us now? Like if we had met in person, known each other in person, would you have given me more of a chance, trusted me more or what?”. I brushed his question off like it was nothing, turned to humor in the conversation and then shortly after excused myself and left because I knew from past experience nothing good would come of my talking to him and that he couldn’t be just my friend because he still thinks and probably always will that there’s a chance for ‘us’ when there is no ‘us’ and never really was an ‘us’ to begin with in the first place, ya know.
This recent exchange with one of my ‘bad pennies’ and some other recent exchanges with other guys have brought the thoughts to the surface in response to the question he posed. The question of would I trust him or any other guy more if I met them in person or give them more of a chance. This question leads me to another thought/memory of an accusation from guys in my past that I am out to get them and all men because of what happened to me, that I am out to get revenge and take my anger on my exes and people in my past who treated me so badly out on these ‘innocent’ guys who just want to have a chance with me. My response to the question would it be different if we met in person, I doubt it because he is who he is and I am who I am whether we are talking and associating through the internet or in real life.
My response to all these guys and others who have accused me of wanting to take all my anger toward my exes and others who have so badly hurt me in the past out on them, that I only want to have revenge on guys for what’s happened to me and that’s why I don’t trust many or as easily or freely give chances to guys to be with me – that’s not it at all. I am not just a bitter and scorned woman wanting all men to pay for my suffering. I don’t keep my walls up and do the things I do just to hurt guys or what have you – I do it for me – I do it to protect myself.
See, these guys who think I’m out for revenge etc., they are looking at that I don’t or won’t give them as much chance as someone who hasn’t been hurt or that I don’t hand out my trust and love to everyone who wants it or wants a chance at having it and having me as that I’m insulting and hurting them. So, they are looking at it from the perspective that it’s all about me and everything she (I) is doing is personal toward me or misdirected anger at her exes toward me, when it simpy isn’t even close to being that at all.
I am the way that I am because I was so deeply and badly hurt, wounded and broken for a time because I freely gave myself, my love, my trust and my all naively and blindly to a guy once. That guy was my ex-husband and he ripped me a new one when I only offered him myself, my love, my trust and my all. I never really did love my last two ex-boyfriends after my divorce not like I loved my ex-husband because of how badly I’d been hurt. I know I did not trust either of my last two ex-bfs either because my trust had been so badly shattered when I was married to my ex-husband.
To continue giving myself, my love, my trust and my all so freely and naively to others would be very unwise after what I have experienced and known in life. So, I’m not simply out to hurt men or get revenge, I’m simply much more cautious and hesitant when it comes to this thing called love because I don’t want to have to pick all the pieces of myself, my heart and my soul up off the floor from being broken and shattered again.
There have been times I wanted to freely give myself, my love, my trust and all to a guy since my ex-husband, but I couldn’t because of fear and wanting to protect and keep myself safe in case he wasn’t going to handle me with care. These are just my ways of protecting myself until I can be sure it’s safe – they are just my self defense mechanisms – not me being angry or wanting revenge – simply wanting to protect myself as much as I possibly can from another heart wrenching heartbreak.
Ever since my divorce and being hurt so badly back then, I’ve always kept people at a distance, especially men. It even took me a while to allow myself to be close with my parents and family again after what I went through and experienced. I still sometimes pull back from family and friends because of how badly I was hurt.
Since my bad marriage and divorce, I’ve had a much harder time trusting others especially guys. I also sometimes have a hard time trusting other girls as well and am hesitant to share things with others about myself. I know I’ve progressed with letting my guard and walls down with some people and in some situations, but there are some people and situations that my walls and self defense mechanisms are always on full alert.
Some people might say that I need to get over it, learn to be more trusting again of others in general etc. or I may never be able to let the right guy in my life, but my response to that is that when the right guy comes along I will be able to let him in because he will be the right guy. No one but the right guy or right kind of guy for me will be able to be let in my walls because he will be patient, understanding and not look at what I do or my pulling back if I do it with him as a personal insult to him. He will be able to look at it and see that I’m simply trying to be cautious and protect myself because of what happened to me in the past and he won’t think I’m out to get him, simply that I’m out to keep what and who is in my best interest in the right place.
I also say that to just naively and freely give my trust, love, myself and all to whoever would be the most foolish and stupid thing I could do. It would be the most foolish thing to do because then it would show that I had learned nothing from my past experiences. So, another way I look at it is I am learning from my past and using it to help myself in the present and in the future – I’m not beating myself up for my mistakes – just simply learning from my mistakes and making sure they don’t happen again and so that is some of how my self defense mechanisms have come to be and how I’ve come to be the way I am.
That is just some of the thoughts and things that I’ve been thinking of lately and that recently surfaced that I wanted to write down here. It also helps writing these down to reassure and re-confirm to myself that I am okay and that it does make sense that I do what I do and I am what I am because of what happened. The reasons why I do what I do and I am what I am are legitimate reasons and I don’t need to change them just because a guy here and there think I’m out for revenge. They just don’t know the whole story and I need to remember that I do know the whole story and this is about me not them in this particular part of my life at this present time in my life.
It just is the way it is for now and that’s all there is to it.