And I’m Back Again

Yep, here I am making another appearance after some time…thinking about trying to blog a little more again…just that I keep getting sidetracked with life and everything else going on so I don’t always stop and blog like I use to anymore.

Anyway, some of you know, but our little girl is about to turn 2 years old this month already and she really keeps us on our toes all the time…I don’t know how she just keeps going and going sometimes lol.

And everything’s good for the most part with the two daughters I placed for adoption except the older one, my first daughter I placed, her adad, who is now divorced from the amom and has been for quite some time is an idiot and is accusing her amom of endangering her, which is just dumb so they’re going to do another hearing in court cause the adad is an idiot.

Also, I just lost/miscarried identical twins a little bit ago that I feel were boys so I/we are going through that process and getting ready to try again for another baby in a few months or so.  So, yeah all sorts of fun and ups and downs of life going on here lately.

I have more insight and things to share and write later on grief and similarities between miscarriage and adoption, but I haven’t quite formulated all my thoughts the way I want to write/share them just yet, but I’m going to try to come back and blog the rest again as soon as I can/when I can and see about trying to get back into some more writing for my books too.

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Ramblings

I’m here…have a few different things going through my head that I’m thinking would likely make pretty good posts once I can think coherently enough to write it down the way I want.

I’ve been thinking and working through some more stages, I guess you could say, of healing and dealing with grief/life and being married/hoping to have children relatively soon lately. Also it’s Sweet Pea’s birthday in a week, well technically less than a week on 11-21 and there’s that thrown in there with my emotions and all lately as well.

I’m having all sorts of fun with sickie germs right now and have for the past few days thanks to when I recently saw my parents, this past Tuesday, and my Dad passed his lovely germs/cold etc. onto me. Also Hubby has them now too and since he has asthma…he’s been feeling it some in his chest and such…what fun for him don’t ya think :p.

Anyway, I’m hangin in there and doing pretty good all things considered for now. Thinking about returning to the realm of helping out with doing presentations at local high schools, junior high schools etc…but nervous about it and part of me doesn’t want to go back to doing it again. I did it for a year in the past already and I feel like I probably need to do it again for me and to help educate others and so forth, but I don’t really like putting myself out there like that all the time either so trying to work through my thoughts/feelings on that recently too.

Also, I have a whole bunch of thoughts on the saying, “Adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary situation”, which have been on my mind for quite some time now.

So, lots going on with my thoughts/life and all recently although it doesn’t always seem like there’s that much going on when I look at things until I sit down to write/think about it all and realize there is more going on then when I initially look at things.

This week/weekend should be interesting…possibly a rollercoaster ride because of buying/mailing Sweet Pea’s birthday package etc. and then her birthday. Then because most likely I will be seeing/saying Hi to Sweet Pea’s mom this weekend…not seeing Sweet Pea, but her mom with a boutique get together thing for her jewelry business etc. again so that could be interesting depending on where my thoughts/emotions are and all.

Then I get to go meet people I have not yet met from Hubby’s family while doing Thanksgiving next week with the in-laws so wheee, time to get in the rollercoaster and strap on my seat belt, I suppose :).

Awesomeness, Validation, Pro Adoption and Reality

I was thinking about things the other day and thought of how blessed/lucky I am to have the relationships I do with both my girls amoms. I know not everyone has great relationships or positive experiences with the aparents of their children among other things which make their whole adoption experience suck, but mine has been a positive thing. Of course, there is still a lot of negative and grief and all sorts of emotions/things to deal with being a mother who has placed two daughters for adoption and everything, but there has also been a lot of positive, which I was remembering the other day.

Some of the awesome things I was remembering the other day that I’ve been grateful for with my relationships with both my girls amoms are:

***Bookworm’s (7) mom has opened up and shared a lot with me lately and continues to do so since first talking with me about the divorce etc. with Mr. X (Bookworm’s adad)…it has been interesting talking as I have been lately with Bookworm’s mom because I feel like a whole new side and a whole lot more of her has been revealed to me because she’s opened up to me. And it’s been a great thing for me to experience, to see this whole other part of her that makes her even more of a real awesome person with all her quirks etc. and that much more of a close friend to me and not just my daughter’s amom.

***This is one of the things I thought of that I still think is really awesome…and that is that the last time I talked with Bookworm’s mom around 3-4 weeks ago…while she opened up talking to me about things even more…she asked me for my advice/insight on her new relationship with her boyfriend and things to consider while she’s considering marriage to said bf after her recent divorce. I was floored in so many ways when she asked for my advice/insight because first I was like WHAT cause she’s thinking about marrying another guy already, but then because I was like wow she’s asking me what I think because I’ve been where she is to an extent…I was married, divorced – abusive guy/porn etc…and then years later found and married Hubby and so she was asking me my advice/insight cause she knew that about me and cause she was treating me as her friend and equal and someone who’s advice/insight mattered. I mean I’m not just Bookworm’s bmom to her, ya know and it was so awesome and meant/still means so much to me that she has shared so much with me and asked for my insight and my advice on that situation. I mean isn’t that awesome?!?

***Another awesome thing about Bookworm’s mom…she told me she’s talked to her new boyfriend and told him about me and how we’re friends, stay in touch and talk etc. all the time. I always tell everyone how I’m close, friends and stay in touch with her and assumed she did the same but never knew so that was awesome and validating to me to hear that from her also.

***Bookworm’s mom encourages Bookworm to talk with me etc…doesn’t ever discourage her in anyway about her adoption, me, where she came from etc…I think it’s amazing the way she handles and does things with Bookworm and myself and the whole adoption side of things, if that makes sense.

***Sweet Pea’s (5) mom is just as awesome as Bookworm’s mom and validates and does amazing things as well. One of those things I was thinking about with all these others the other day was that Sweet Pea’s mom has always acknowledged me as Sweet Pea’s mom…she has told me as I have told her a few times she doesn’t think of me as Sweet Pea’s bmom, and I don’t think of her as Sweet Pea’s amom…we think of each other as friends/best friends similar to Bookworm’s mom and I though a little different and we think of each other both as mothers to Sweet Pea. Sweet Pea’s mom has always validated and been open to talking with me about everything…it’s been awesome. I’m just now getting there with Bookworm’s mom…so it took more time with her, but with Sweet Pea’s mom it clicked from the beginning.

***Another awesome thing about Sweet Pea’s mom, just recently within the past 3-4 weeks as well…we were talking and she asked my opinion on how to handle discussing a very sensitive topic with her other daughter, 12 (or 13?) and what I thought about her and her husband wanting to wait until she’s a little older to lay out the full story for her about the sensitive topic in reference to her bfather…which I’m not saying the whole topic etc. because Sweet Pea’s mom asked me not to tell/talk about it with anyone, she was okay with me talking about it to my Hubby and my Dad, but didn’t want me to talk/spread it around so that’s why I’m being generic etc. here. But this was awesome to me that she asked my opinion in much the same way I thought it was awesome that Bookworm’s mom asked my opinion on what I mentioned above…that Sweet Pea’s mom also treats me as an equal and a friend who’s advice/insight and opinion matters and not as just Sweet Pea’s bmom etc.

***Another thing I love about Sweet Pea’s mom is how she asks me sometimes if x, y, or z are traits, behaviors or mannerisms that she’s seen Sweet Pea do that might come from me or my family. She is okay with talking about and often is the one who says or mentions to me how she sees similarities such as hair/face/eyes or this behavior, mannerism or personality trait that she can tell Sweet Pea got from me. I love hearing about how Sweet Pea has things/looks etc. similar to me and Bookworm as well…and recently Sweet Pea’s mom was telling me how her other daughter (also adopted) looks so much like her bdad and then talking about how Sweet Pea looks quite a bit like me. Then Sweet Pea’s mom told me that was fine with her, that she loved having Sweet Pea look like me :D.

***Sweet Pea’s mom also encourages if Sweet Pea wants to talk/know anything about me, her adoption, where she came from etc…Sweet Pea is just at a different age/stage then Bookworm so we don’t talk online or anything like I do with Bookworm…at least not yet anyway. Sweet Pea’s mom talks with me about everything and is just one of my best/closest friends…the list could go on and on, but I’ll leave it at these few things about both my girls moms and our relationships/friendships.

***Something else I thought of the other day with all these things that are awesome and adoption related etc…my family asks about my girls, how they’re doing, how things are, how their afamilies are and asks to see pictures and my parents send them things along with my packages on holidays, birthdays etc…I think it’s great the way my family is about it and doesn’t treat it like it’s taboo or not okay to talk about etc…although my mom isn’t perfect, but see that’s just my mom in general with everything.  Also Hubby and his family ask about my girls etc. and his parents claim my girls as their grandkids too…Hubby’s mom puts their pictures up on her fridge too…they also encourage my relationships with my girls and their families and Hubby talks and is friends with them also.

***One thing I thought of with all these great things that still sticks out to me and means so much to me…more than my Dad will ever know or anyone will ever completely understand…is that I was talking to my Dad on the phone about things…I think it was when I’d found out about Bookworm’s parents divorcing however many months ago now…and I was trying to express some of my thoughts/emotions about this whole new development and how it made me feel regarding the choice I had made to place Bookworm 7-8 years ago now. And really I was trying to express some of my thoughts/emotions that I’d been trying to express about the whole adoption experience and being a mother who’d placed twice etc., but didn’t have the words…and my Dad filled in the blanks and gave me the words…when I was trying to say it’s not that I am saying I didn’t make the right choice/decision because I still believe/feel I did what was right and best for Bookworm and myself in that situation when I placed her…but it’s that I wish or a part of me wishes it could have been different somehow or ugh…I don’t know how to say what I’m trying to say here…I said that to my Dad on the phone and then said…do you know what I’m trying to say here?…after which my Dad said, yes I think I do, you’re saying there’s some regret there and I was like YES, thank you for saying that…and then we went on to discuss it more…it’s still something discussed on and off, but my Dad saying that and talking with me validated me in so many ways and on so many levels…when he said that it resonated with something deep inside me…that I had been trying to voice and find the right words for some time and I love the way he said it.

It wasn’t “I regret that I placed Bookworm or Sweet Pea for adoption”…it was that there is SOME REGRET there…meaning it’s okay for me to feel some regret because I think for a long time I felt like I couldn’t be okay and know I did what was right/best for both my girls when I placed them and still feel some regret about it, but talking with my Dad etc. about it and then processing through it some more I’ve just recently come to the realization that it’s okay to have some regret and still know/feel that I did what was right/best in placing both my girls. It was so awesome that moment with my Dad and that conversation to start coming to that realization that I did have some regret, but I still know and feel that I did what was right/best for my girls and myself when I placed them, if that makes any sense cause I know it does to me and it felt freeing to me to talk with my Dad and have him give me the words I was searching for to express myself and for him to validate me so awesomely as he did with that.

Because after he said to me well yeah I think you’re saying you have some regret, he said and that is to be expected…how could you not go through what you did and not feel/have to deal with the element of regret as well as the grief and everything else you’ve been experiencing and dealing with all this time since you placed both Bookworm and Sweet Pea. It was just an awesome, awesome moment for me and for me to have with My Dad as well that I think will forever stick out to me and it was another good step for me in dealing with all my emotions and everything.

So, there ya have it all the awesome, amazing things I’ve thought of recently that are adoption related among other things that I felt the need to write down.  And there it is…I’m still more of a pro adoption person then an anti adoption person and that’s my choice…some of you may not agree or be upset with me/at me because I am not anti adoption, but it is who I am and what I choose to be.  And while I’m more of a pro adoption person…I don’t, however, think adoption is the answer for every girl who finds herself in a position where she is considering adoption, parenting or abortion…I think it is a very valid choice and can be a good choice if it’s the right/best thing or you feel it’s the right/best thing for you and your child, but I don’t agree with unethical adoption practices…or mothers being coerced/pressured to place their child for adoption or told that they can’t talk about it and so on.

I just feel that adoption can be a good choice if it’s a choice/decision that’s made with the right kind of help and such…with the understanding that a mother can change her mind at any time whether she’s choosing to parent or place etc…meaning if she wants to parent and changes her mind to place that’s her choice if she feels it’s best and has examined her options wisely and thought it through and if she wants to place and changes her mind to parent that’s her choice as well too.  I don’t look down on anyone who chooses to parent not place or anything…there is no easy choice or easy way out when you find yourself in the kind of situation where you find yourself considering the options of adoption, parenting/single parenting or abortion (side note here I don’t consider abortion an option personally…I simply put it because most people consider those three choices to be what you choose from when faced with an unwed pregnancy etc., but I’ve never considered abortion to be an option because just as I’m more of a pro adoption person, I’m pro life and strongly against abortion).

So, these are just my thoughts and opinions on things…and while I support adoption as a good, valid choice if it is made wisely and from an educated standpoint etc. and is what you feel is best…I also feel that it should be shared when a girl/woman is deciding whether to place or not etc…that there will be some regret and it will be hard no matter what…the agency I used both times called me in once to talk to a girl considering placing her child for adoption and they wanted me to talk to her…when I went and talked to her…I asked her questions about what she thought and felt and what she’d found out…what she kept coming back to is I don’t know what to do, I don’t know so I told her this…”what it comes down to is can you live with this or not? I mean you have to listen to your heart and what you think/feel and you have to say to yourself if I decide to place does it feel right, can I do it and if I do it, will I be able to look back in a year or so I say I’m okay with what I did and the choice I made because what it comes down to is what you know in your heart and what choice you can live with and what you know is best for you and your child.” I also told her not to think or worry/consider anyone else and their opinion or how they factored in…just herself and her baby and what she felt in her heart and could she look back and be okay with that she placed because if not she most likely should not do it…I believe she chose to parent her baby…and that was not just because of what I said but because she already knew that in her heart that she couldn’t place and be okay with it and that she didn’t feel it was best for her and her baby and that was her choice and I’m glad she did what she knew was best and right for her and her child, just like I did for me and my girls.

I don’t try to paint rosy pictures although it is or may seem rosy at times…I just try to be real when I talk about my experience and emotions with having placed both my daughters for adoption and how it’s affected and continues to affect me, my family and my life in a lot of ways that aren’t always expected either. As long as someone has all the facts and isn’t pressured or coerced and feels adoption is the right/best thing for them to do then I support it and that’s my two cents on that  along with my awesome facts about my girls moms, my experience, my family and everything :).

Feeling Betrayed…

I know…that’s a big surprise…what with everything I’ve found out recently about my 7 yr. old’s parents getting divorced and all.

But yes, I’m still processing…and feeling a range of things as I probably will on and off for quite a while and maybe for the rest of my life when things pop up. As in new things that have to do with and be dealt with in regards to my 7 yr. old now coming from a divorced home and what not as she grows up.

The main thing is my being sad about this whole thing besides dealing with being angry and upset…because I feel betrayed and hurt by my 7 yr. old’s adad to be a little more specific…

I mean he betrayed his wife, my 7 yr. old’s mom, and he betrayed and hurt himself even more whether or not he realizes that yet, but most of all he betrayed and hurt his daughter, which is also my daughter. And there is where a lot of my feelings of betrayal and hurt come from besides the fact…that although he hasn’t thought of it and maybe never will think or realize it…he betrayed and hurt me…the other mother…but he probably doesn’t even realize or think of that.

My 7 yr. old’s mom has thought of that and apologized to me and felt bad that she’s had to tell me about them getting a divorce and the whole situation cause she knows that it affects me too. Even though it’s not as direct or maybe not as major to me as it is to them and to my 7 yr. old, she knows and understands that it does affect me as well. She knows that this isn’t what I wanted/hoped for for my 7 yr. old and I know that she didn’t want this for my 7 yr. old either that’s why we’re both her mother because we both love her and would do anything and everything we could for her and we both want what’s best for her.

But my 7 yr. old’s dad lost sight of that when he made some wrong choices that ultimately lead to this divorce and this situation that they’re now in.

And he’s hurt more people than he realizes or knows because my family feels it as well…this is another of those things that has more of a ripple effect that some/a lot of people realize or know sometimes.

It’s just the thing that I’m working through with my emotions etc. and thinking of lately that really has me feeling betrayed and hurt is that…

I trusted him…I gave him the ultimate thing when I placed my child with him and in his care for him to play the role of the father to her and he just threw it away now. Of course, it was gradual…and not all at once, but ultimately now he has thrown that away and I feel like he threw my trust out the window and stomped on it…whether he will ever see how he betrayed me and my trust as well as betraying and hurting the trust of his wife and my 7 yr. old, I don’t know, but he did.

My feeling of being betrayed, of course, doesn’t compare to how his wife, my 7 yr. old’s mom is feeling and what she has to process through and what my 7 yr. old will feel and perhaps have to process through one day, but on another level…it is there.

I trusted him completely and with my child and he betrayed me and that trust.

Not that it’s new, my trusting someone and being betrayed…I just never thought that my 7 yr. old’s adad would betray me and my trust in him this way.

I think part of why this is hard for me on some level and more to process through is because it also brings up some of my past when I trusted and was betrayed by my ex-husband and now by the adad of my 7 yr. old.

Total Shock!

At least it was to me and to my family/close friends…I’m still processing it and it’s a bit surreal…and no it’s not an April Fools Joke though I wish it were…

It was just the other night, 3-31, I was sitting here online about to go play a game with my hubby, when my 7 yr. old’s (a)mom came online on FB chat and said Hi to me so I’m like Hi, how’s it going? No big deal just us chatting, catching up/updating each other as usual, right?…well a bit more of an update…a rather shocking update than I wanted or would have expected.

So, my 7 yr. old’s mom says to me on chat, Is now an okay time to talk for a bit? I’m like okay sure and she says I’ve been meaning/wanting to talk to you for a bit now, but been putting it off for far too long…

At this point, I’m wondering what the heck’s going on because obviously something is up here. So, I ask are you guys adopting again…cause she says things are changing here and that’s the first thing I think…well then I look up and it says, “I’m divorcing S (my 7 yr. old’s adad)” and I’m just like…uh what?!! and I froze sitting here in my chair and felt like I just got smacked in the face by a curve ball.

So, instantly I’m frozen in my chair, speechless, freaking out, trying to remember to breathe and stay calm…my heart’s going crazy and I’m crying all of a sudden and wondering what the heck happened…how is my 7 yr. old…and are they going to be okay and what the freak I didn’t place her for this to happen…this isn’t what I wanted for her…it’s not fair…all running through my head and reacting in 30 sec or less…

So, I take a deep breath and ask if this has been going on long or if it’s something new and she says, “I kicked him out last July”…again…what?? and I’m still freakin out and like wow, so it’s been a while now and then I ask her about some of the details and for more info about what exactly is going on now and she keeps apologizing cause she feels so bad that she didn’t tell me until now and I’m like, it happens, life happens, yes I feel a little upset you didn’t tell me until now, but you told me now and in spite of all, I can kind of understand, how it might be for her and her side of things and how life gets etc…so yes, I’m upset she didn’t tell me until now, but I’m not going to dwell on it because really what good is that going to do.

Really, I’m just happy that she told me and talked with me now and that we opened up a little more to each other with this discussion last night. And what’s important to me now, is that my 7 yr. old is okay and being taken care of and loved and that her mom is going to be okay and that they are going to be in a better situation on their own with the two of them and the amom’s family, they have a good support system and I don’t question the amom’s judgment in deciding to divorce the adad…I just wish it didn’t have to happen…

I still know I did what was best and what was right when I chose to place my 7 yr. old with this family, 7 yrs. ago, because she still had what I wanted her to have for 6 yrs and she still has her mom and all their family and friends that they’re close to and she still has me and my family too. I just wish my 7 yr. old didn’t have to experience this and that her mom didn’t have to either, ya know…

I still don’t know all the nitty gritty details, but I know enough for right now while I’m digesting this new development. I do know that they’re divorcing and my 7 yr. old’s mom told me she’s working on putting the house up for sale and is thinking of moving to Cali to be by her sister or AZ to be by her brother, both of whom she’s close to, but she doesn’t want to stay where they are anymore at least not for now.

I do know questions I meant to ask, but haven’t yet, but that I’ll ask and find out later, such as if they’re going to share custody of my 7 yr. old or if her amom’s going to get full custody and the adad’s only going to have visitation and more details about things. I do know my 7 yr. old is doing good despite this going on…at least her amom told me she’s trying to do her best in helping my 7 yr. old be okay with stuff for now and keep my 7 yr. old out of the middle of things between her and the adad, as in she’s protecting my girl from being used as a pawn etc. as much as she can and she’s putting my girl as her first priority no matter what with all of this, she told me that and some other things as well.

She and I talked about and are also not planning to change our relationship or the way we do things…other than I’ll mail things to a different address once they move and so forth. We’ll still e-mail/write and chat online and mail gifts and keep in touch and keep working on our relationship/friendship and whenever my 7 yr. old wants to see me/talk to me like she and her mom chatted with me online a couple times recently, I’ll still be able to talk with my 7 yr. old and meet her when she wants when she’s a little older.

And so, a lot of things are staying the same, while a lot or some things aren’t and some things, we’ll see what happens as time goes on…but at least she told me and we had a good talk about things and she told me to please remind her when it’s been a while for her to send me a picture/update on my 7 yr. old because she wants me to know about her and have pictures and she knows that I need to know and have recent pictures about my 7 yr. old as well. My 7 yr. old’s amom doesn’t want me to ever feel shy to remind her/ask her for pictures or about my girl or to ask her anything or talk to her and she told me she’d try to chat with me online more often because she thinks it’s good for us and she enjoys it and I do too…so we talked about both trying a little harder and keeping working at keeping up with each other with updates/pictures etc. and chatting online more often so it was a good talk overall despite the shocking part of it.

And I feel closer to her and better about things after talking last night and I know that my 7 yr. old is doing good right now and that she’s being well taken care of and all with everything going on. That’s not to say that down the road there won’t be things to deal with that have to do with this divorce happening now, but for now things are the best they can be and her amom and me as well as our families are working on things to keep things as good as they can be from both sides through this and as life goes on and my 7 yr. old keeps growing up.

I’m sure I’ll have bad days with this whole divorce thing and thinking about my decision that I made to place my 7 yr. old with them as well, but I’m only human, right and even though I’ll have my bad days and my doubts…I still know that my girl was meant to be with them and is meant to be where she is in spite of these unfair circumstances that have come up.

Life isn’t fair, but whining about it only does so much and I’m still processing and in shock and upset about this some, but it is what it is so I’m trying to deal and process it the best I can. I have a lot of people – family/friends – that I know I can talk to and turn to and most importantly despite this unhappy bit of news…I think, in a way, it’s helped the relationship/friendship etc. between my 7 yr. old’s amom and myself as well as other things…I think this decision to divorce the adad may be a good thing that helps and affects more than the initial reasons the amom had for deciding to divorce him.

I do also have some anger toward the adad now as well…although I’m not entirely sure what all went down and what he did…I’m still upset at him as well as this whole situation…see still processing this…and I’m rambling now…so I think I’m going to wrap this up for now.

All that matters is that my 7 yr. old knows she’s loved by me and her amom and by all the people who love her and that she is being taken care of and provided for in all aspects. Just a long as my 7 yr. old is alright, that’s all that matters in the long run with regards to the divorce and all, ya know.

It’s Her Birthday This Sunday…

In two days, one of my girls I placed, will turn 7 yrs. old…how did that happen…where does the time go?

It’s hard to believe it’s been that long…that long for me in this whole ‘adoption world’…7 yrs…it’s wild.

And as usual, I have different emotions going on with her birthday time and all…but still it’s not as painful or hard to deal with, at least in some ways, compared to 2-3 years ago anyway.

Some things that make it better are that I’m married to a good guy, nice guy…that matches me and we get along great…and that I have contact with both my girls and their families via FB, e-mail/letters, mailing packages, etc…and that I recently had a little bit of a convo with my girl who’s turning 7 and she told me a little bit of her day that day and how she was excited to meet me etc. one day, which means a lot to me, ya know.

Another thing that makes it better, but is also kinda scary as well is that…we (hubby and I) are talking/planning to start our family soon…so that idea and plan makes things interesting – scary, happy, exciting and freaky all at once kind of thing, ya know.

And things are good for me, with me and my life overall…and with both my girls and their familes and all our relationships/friendships and in the next couple weeks, I’ll be hanging out with my 5 yr. old’s parents again…which I’m really excited about too.

There are just a lot of good things going on and in my life right now…so it makes dealing with birthday times of both my girls easier now than it use to be, ya know.

But don’t get me wrong, there’s still sadness and that bittersweet feeling underlying there around their birthdays…it just is what it is, ya know.

“P.S. I Love You”

It’s a great movie…it’s a chick flick by most definitions, but it’s one of the best movies I’ve seen in a while in that category.

I definitely recommend you rent it and watch it, if you haven’t seen it already…but when you watch it…make sure you have tissues handy because it may just catch you off guard and you may end up crying or at least getting teary eyed in parts.

I didn’t cry…but I came close in a couple parts and I did get teary eyed quite a few times…but I also laughed and smiled and it was a movie that was about love, loss, grief, mourning, moving forward with life and happiness – finding it no matter the circumstances and so many other messages came across in the movie to me.

I LOVED the movie and want to go buy it and add it to my collection now.  I highly recommend it.

On another topic, I had a pretty good Mother’s Day, but right before I went to watch the movie with my fiance, I was having some of the Mother’s Day Blues hit, you know the ones…it’s just that I sent e-cards and gift cards to both my girls moms and my own mom and both my girls moms sent me something, said thanks and acknowleged me, but my own mom didn’t.

This was the first Mother’s Day since I placed my first, who’s now 5, that my own mother said nothing to me and sent nothing to me on Mother’s Day.  I didn’t call her though I debated about it, but I thought hey I sent her a card/e-card and a gift certificate so I thought she would call or e-mail me back to say thanks or to send me something to say Happy Mother’s Day, but she didn’t do anything.

I, of course, haven’t been talking to her really at all for the past week or so since I left on my little vacation down here to AZ to visit and help my fiance’s parents with wedding reception planning for down here.  Plus I did take the break to come down here on this little vacation to take a break from her and her constant harrassing and twenty questions driving me crazy with stress etc. with the wedding planning.  If you know much about me and my relationship with my mom, you know I don’t get along the best with her and there were many issues that came out in counseling that had to do with her and that I discovered that she was a big part of reasons why I made choices I did even though I ultimately made my own choices and everything else on my own – she contributed greatly to the way some things happened, which weren’t positive and it also boiled down to co-dependency, which I’m now a recovering co-dependent, but my mom has not figured these things out yet and tries to suck me back in to her world where she controls me and everything, which I don’t let her control me or my life in any way anymore.

My mom and I have grown apart over the past 5 years or so because when I started to realize her unhealthy influence on me and start working on my own path of being healthy without letting her have the same power and influence on me as she use to have most of my life, it was when I had and placed my first girl.  Then it became even more of a noticeable distance and more of a noticeable gap that I let grow and pushed away from her and her unhealthy influence 3 1/2 -4 years ago when I realized even more through counseling as well as my own personal insights etc. how unhealthy it was for me to let my mom in my life too much because of the co-dependency issues and self-esteem issues.

It’s just that I use to always know without a doubt that even though my mom and I don’t get along the best, she would at least acknowledge me and thank me for her cards and gifts on Mother’s Day and she didn’t this year.  I don’t know if she didn’t do it because I didn’t call because I thought the card and gift certificate was good enough or if she didn’t do it cause she didn’t want to stress me out more, but the sad thing is…I think and I wouldn’t be surprised at all if she did it just to spite me, to be petty and throw a tantrum in her own way because I wasn’t there on Mother’s Day, because I took a break from her, because I don’t let her control me anymore, because I don’t let her in my life the way she wants so she can control things anymore, because I haven’t let her plan MY wedding the way she wants it, because I have taken a stand for myself even with her as my own mother and she doesn’t like it, because I didn’t call her even though I sent her a card and a gift certificate…when I didn’t even feel like doing that much for her on Mother’s Day.

It hurts me, saddens me and upsets me to think that my own mother would and may have stooped that low to hurt me because things aren’t going her way and I’m not letting her in my life to control me or do what she wants anymore.

But at least my fiance and his family recognized me and were great with me for Mother’s Day and at least both my girls mothers recognize me and sent me something too.  My sister-in-law and a few other family members at least sent me something even though my own sister and my own mother didn’t…it doesn’t bother me so much that my own sister didn’t even though I sent her something…it just bothered me that my own mother couldn’t send me anything or even at least just have thanked me for her card and gift certificate…but I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised and I suppose there’s always the chance that I’ll get an e-mail or a call in the next day or two from her saying she’s sorry she was busy or something and that’s why she didn’t acknowledge me on Mother’s Day…somehow I don’t know if any excuse she gives will be enough…that’s just more reason to me for the rift between us to grow and more reason to me why I still won’t let her back in my life the way she wants to be where she can control me and things.

So, that’s how I was thinking and feeling when I cuddled up with my fiance and we watched the movie, “P.S. I Love You” and then I realized while watching it and after it was over that I have the most important people in my life who love me unconditionally, respect me and acknowledge me whether my own mother does or not.  I have one of the best things that’s ever happened to me in my fiance…he always looks out for me and my well being and he was the one who suggested this break from things and saw how the stress and my mom was affecting me negatively and he’s pampered me, let me stay up late, sleep in, help when I can, do what I want and never forced or pressured me into anything.  He spoils me rotten, he’s truly my other half and when I was watching this movie about love and life, I realized for the first time, I have what I want and I don’t have to look anymore…this is really it.

I don’t know how to explain it really, but in the past when I was dating, semi-engaged or unofficially engaged etc. with other guys and we watched some love story movie together…I always found myself looking at myself and the guy I was with watching the movie and wondering if this was really as good as it got and couldn’t there be someone better for me out there…I realized often times watching those kinds of movies with other guys that they weren’t the ones for me and watching those love story movies with these other guys in my past made me think and want more than what I had with that guy or in that relationship.

But this time, watching this movie of a love story, I knew that this wasn’t as good as it gets, that it will only get better for me with my fiance, that our love will only grow deeper and stronger…and I knew that there is absolutely no way that there could be anyone better out there for me than him…he is it and I couldn’t be happier nor could I have picked a better guy than him.  What watching this movie of this love story made me realize was that I had the best there was for me and it made me want to enjoy and make every moment with him the best.

It made me realize I’m the lucky one and that life’s too short to dwell on what I may not have with my mother or others when I have something this wonderful with my fiance and such great friendships and relationships with both my girls mothers and so many friends and others, you know who you all are.  I couldn’t be luckier, more blessed and more loved than I am.

Thanks to all of you who love me unconditionally and are always there for me, you know who you are and I send all my love and hugs to all of you as well.

Follow up to “Feeling Chicken”

Alright I’m sick and tired of having this comment sit there in my queue on my blog so here goes nothing…I’m posting the comment and responding to it.

I’m not putting who it is or anything else because I don’t want to point fingers and I’m trying to be understanding of her point of view and that she maybe isn’t totally educated or doesn’t totally understand so I’m going to respond to the comment now.

So, here’s the comment that has been sitting here on my blog waiting to be approved, now keep in mind this was a comment in response to a birthday blog I wrote when A turned 5 recently in March, see below to blog titled “After 5 years…” :

Sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier if you didn’t know her parents or how to contact her. I know that’s an odd thing to say, but to be able to reach out and just barely touch her life year after year is just a constant reminder of your pain, making it impossible to let go. Whereas if you hadn’t been able to keep in touch, you would have gone through the “stages of grief” (ok, even I admit they aren’t often sequential and can be cyclical…and been able to heal. I’m not saying you wouldn’t still be sad sometimes, but I believe it would have been easier. *sigh* I also wonder how it will affect her down the road…

My response to this is: Oh, you wonder if it would have been easier if I didn’t know her parents or how to contact her or anything about her, well, I think I’m the judge of that and I know it would not be “easier” for me if I didn’t know. My sister placed her son for adoption in a closed adoption when she was 18 where she didn’t know and it wasn’t “easier” for her and it wasn’t “easier” for my family either. We often wonder and think about him and if we’ll ever know because we didn’t know and we still don’t and it’s not “easier”.

Yes, there is that constant reminder of my pain being able to reach out and be part of her life at times, but guess what…it doesn’t matter whether I was a part of her life as I am or not, whether I know or not, it would NOT be easier and there would still be constant reminders of the fact that she is not with me. Do you think that I wouldn’t be reminded of the fact that she isn’t with me and the pain if I didn’t know, I carried her for nine months, I gave birth to her, I took care of her for a few days, I felt her first movements of life, heard her first heartbeat and so many things…how could I not have a reminder of the pain or the fact that she isn’t with me every year on her birthday. I would always remember her birthday whether I knew or not, I would always remember her whether I was part of her life the way I am or not, she is part of me and I am part of her, it is a reality that nothing can make it “easier” or make it so I don’t have some kind of constant reminder of her not being with me especially on her birthday.

Oh and you think that I would just process through the stages of grief, heal and move on without constant reminders and what not if I hadn’t known, if I wasn’t part of her life the way I am…news flash you go through the grief and don’t ever completely let go and move on from something like this. She is my child that I gave birth to…there is a bond there and yes I chose to place her and feel it was right and best but there is still a bond there and no matter what, the constant reminders that she isn’t with me, the pain and whatever else aren’t going to go away and nothing is going to make it “easier” the way you say.

You believe it would have been “easier”…you believe it would have been easier…well good for you and your belief, but it’s not the reality and how would you know, have you placed a child for adoption, have you experienced this, are you me, do you live my life every day…I think not so I really don’t think you have a place to say that you think it would have been “easier” for me had I not known about my girls, if I wasn’t part of their lives, or anything else.

How nice, you also wonder how this will affect my girls down the road…well they’re healthy, they’re happy and they’re fine. Between myself, my family and their families we’re handling things and their families are discussing things with them as they see fit and I write to them and we have good relationships and friendships. My 5 year old is just starting to understand more who I am and my 3 1/2 year old will start to understand more as she’s older and it will be their choice as to what happens, but we (myself and both my girls parents) are doing our best to make it a positive thing for them so thank you for your concern but once again I really don’t think it’s your place to say.

If my response isn’t enough, there are many others of my friends who have placed who agree that when I asked them what they thought in response to this comment, they said things like this:

One friend said this :

Not knowing who your child’s parents are (or even your child’s name) is indescribable and definitely not “easier”. IMO

Another said this:

Great rhetoric that aparents and agencies can tell themselves when they want to push closed adoptions though…..

Do it so it’s “easier” on us…cause I’m sure that’s first priority….

Yet another response:

In regards to if that person hit my blog and wrote that, I’d have to correct her. I could not sit there and let that post stay without either commenting or posting a new blog in response.

And another:

It’s NOT easier if you don’t know anything about your child, NOT ONE BIT!
And I’m sorry, but you have a right to feel how you feel! And how can that be wrong?

And another:

really don’t know what to say. just someone who doesn’t know what the truth is.

There were, of course others similar to these responses, but I didn’t post them, but feel free to comment or message me if you have something you’d like to add to my blog in response to this comment here.

As you can see, I had some anger with this comment and now I feel somewhat better having finally written this although the person who left the comment probably won’t like this as much but I had to get this out of my system so there you have it.

After 5 Years…

It’s all still here…all the pain, sadness, happiness…the bitter with the sweet…I can still remember clearly holding my baby girl in my arms and the bitter with the sweet when thinking of her and those few days I had before I placed her in the arms of her parents.

I was talking to my Dad on the phone a little bit ago and we were talking about how we can’t believe it’s been 5 years already…where does the time go…how does it go so fast and then I’ve wondered how I’ve kept going sometimes without my girls…5 years without A, who’s birthday it is today and 3 years without K…how has that much time passed…

While my Dad and I were talking we were remembering the dreary weather that weekend 5 years ago when A was born and I remembered for the first time in quite some time…some parts I’ve blocked out…of the pain and the emotions I felt and how it was for me when I went home alone without my little girl and woke up that first morning after alone without her too…and now I understand why I haven’t remembered and have blocked those memories and emotions out for a while like I have…cause having thought and remembered them now…brings it all back and my heart is hurting again *sighs*.

I can’t believe she’s 5 years old today and going to start kindergarten this year and she’s growing up without me…oh I knew this is what I signed up for when I placed her…but it just hits you different on their birthdays for some reason…

I still remember sitting by her in the nursery when I couldn’t sleep and how she was having trouble sleeping that night too so I stayed with her a while and how her little hand wrapped around my finger and then she could sleep.  How could I not remember that powerful moment and memory…when I felt the strength of the mother/daughter bond with her little hand on mine and now she’s 5 years old…it just blows my mind.

I hope all her dreams come true and that she gets my birthday presents in the mail today.  I still have to write her birthday letter and e-mail it asap…I just wish it didn’t have to be so emotional and hard at times to write the birthday letters.

I’m already emotional…trying not to be ha ha…like it’s possible to not be emotional on their birthdays.

Anyway…I’m trying to think of things to say for the birthday letter…and like I wrote when it was K’s birthday in November…I just miss her…so much…and it seems like I’ve said it all before so I never know what else I can say other than simply I miss her so so much.

Happy Birthday to my little Princess…I hope all your dreams come true (((HUGS))) to you on your special day =).