Bad, Bad Dream

I’ve been sickie all day today and some of yesterday too with this nasty flu, cold, cough thing that’s been going around here. 

I was with Cory last night too and felt fine for a while, but by the time I went to leave, I almost threw up and barely made it back to my place before I changed into my pajamas and then proceeded to die. 

I’ve been on the couch fighting with this flu since last night now, it really sucks.  I’m hoping to get back to class tomorrow though even though I’m still not feeling very good so we’ll see how it goes.

Anyway, I’ve had some really fun dreams while sleeping on and off since last night when it all hit.  You know how fun dreams are when you’re all sickie – ha, ha – not.

So, I had this really bad dream or should I say nightmare that was like a long continued dream throughout the times I slept today.  It was kind of disturbing because I dreamed that I woke up and I was married, right? 

Well, when I woke up in my dream and I was married…I was all excited at first cause I thought I was married to Cory, right…well, come to find out as my dream went on and turned into a nightmare that some freak had married me.  It was like this freak drugged me and married me so I couldn’t be with Cory…it was awful!

Then the dream/nightmare kept going and getting worse and worse.  Cory and I in my dream were trying to figure out how to be together and having a hard time figuring it out because of these freaks that were doing their best to keep us apart.  I was aching and longing to be with Cory like crazy in my dream/nightmare and I couldn’t be because of this dumb freak who married me against my will and trying to figure out how to get out of the marriage so I could marry Cory. 

Man, that was one of the worst dreams/nightmares I’ve had yet or should I say in a long, long time…I woke up almost crying cause it was one of those dreams where it feels real, ya know.  Well and what really sucked in my dream was that Cory was like going to give up and say I had to honor the sham of a marriage with the freak and that he (Cory) should have acted faster to marry me instead of waiting so it was his own fault and so forth.

Oh, man…I was so devastated in that dream and when I woke up from it.  It really disturbed and upset me like crazy if you couldn’t tell – ha, ha :p.  

Thank heavens it was only an insane, stupid dream of a sickie person, right :p.  

Another Pic of Us

Cory&Me(Thanksgiving06)1bOriginally uploaded by SimplyAnne.

Here’s another pic of us from Thanksgiving when we were laughing :). I think we look pretty happy and cute together, what do ya think?

Oh and also when I look at myself in these pics, I don’t think I’ve ever seen myself look happier or anything than in these pics. Cool, huh.

Edited to add: I was just reminded by my parents that we’re laughing like this in this picture because Cory made a comment about wanting me to show my left hand in the picture so everyone would know that we weren’t engaged yet.  My Dad made a comment about Cory saying the word yet there and started teasing us so that’s why we all were laughing in this picture :).

Here We Are…

Cory&Me(Thanksgiving06)bOriginally uploaded by SimplyAnne.

Well, here’s the long awaited and promised picture of the boyfriend for all my friends and others out there who’ve been wanting to see what he looks like.

We look pretty cute, huh lol :). I got my parents to take a picture of us on Thanksgiving just so I could share the pictures with all my friends and you guys here plus the families of my daughters have been wanting a picture of him too so here it finally is :).

Emotional Rollercoaster Continues…

Dixie Chicks – Not Ready To Make Nice

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I’ve never been on such an emotional rollercoaster around her birthday as I have this year in these past 2 weeks or so.

I think it’s been different/harder somehow this time because I’m living on my own away from my usual support system. I’m having to deal with it with a different support system and build up a new support system.

Man I don’t think I’ve cried this much in a while, but that might be good that I’ve cried as much as I have in the past while here because tears are healing, right.

Anyway, tomorrow is her birthday and then hopefully my emotional rollercoaster will stop going so haywire.
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Incredible Love

I don’t know how it keeps happening, but I keep falling more in love with him (my bf).  I love him even more now than ever. 

How in the heck is this possible?  I remember not long ago saying how much I loved him and how it kept growing and I couldn’t believe it then.  I can’t believe it even more now then when I said it not long ago.

I’ve never loved anyone this much or like this or been this in love with someone ever.  I’ve never been happier then when I’m with him and I’ve never learned so much and had so much fun then when I’m with him.

He’s so great and so much and he’s romantic and sensitive and so many things.  He lifts me and my spirits up and puts up with me and has patience with me too.  He tells me he thinks that he’s lucky to have me, but I think I’m lucky to have him.

I’ve never seen anyone look at me the way he does…his gaze when he looks in my eyes at times gets so intense I can’t keep his gaze.  His gaze and all makes me feel weak in the knees and makes me feel so vulnerable and I don’t know how to describe that I can’t keep his gaze all the time when it becomes so intense and full of love like it does sometimes.

I have never wanted to be with someone so much like I do want to be with him.  I’ve never wanted or been willing to do whatever it takes to keep doing my best to have things keep working out alright.

I’ve never felt this way that I was willing to sacrifice almost anything to help things keep working out.  I’ve not wanted or felt that I’d do anything to see someone happy like I feel I’d do to see him happy, if that makes sense.

I’d do almost anything for him to be happy…I just want to see him happy even if things didn’t work out in the future, I’d be happy just to see him happy one day even if it ended up not being with me.  That’s how much I love him and the kind of love this is and how much I’m in love with him and everything. 

I really don’t think things won’t work out in the future with he and I.  I don’t see any reason why he and I would ever separate from what I can see and I’m feeling more sure about he and I having a future and not just a possible future together as time goes on here, but if some weird thing happened and I had to see him be happy with someone else, I would be happy just to see him happy because of how much I deeply love him.

Oh, if only, there were words to express this deep love, but I never have found adequate words to express this kind of deep love.  I wonder if he knows how deep my love goes for him…I hope he does.

Feeling the Sad Funk

I feel like I’m going back and forth with that old familiar sad funk that comes around each of my girl’s birthdays.

I was doing better cause I talked with my Dad and was with my boyfriend and feeling better last night, but then I don’t know I was by myself and that sad funk came back again.  I put a playlist of sad/adoption songs on myspace too so that probably didn’t help my emotions, but then again maybe it did, I don’t know.

I just am in that place where it hurts so bad right now and I don’t know how I’ve survived so far and how it is that I keep going and don’t break apart.  I mean, ya know what I mean here.

It’s just, does anyone else feel like it hurts so bad, that their heart hurts so bad that they want to rip it out or stop feeling around the birthday and placement day sometimes.  I wish I could be numb for this time frame of each year sometimes, ya know.

It hurts so much sometimes.  I feel like this actual physical pain with my heart around their birthdays sometimes and when I cry and sob my heart out, the pain with my heart seems to get worse at times.  I’m having to find different ways to make it through this time and deal with it all with being away from home and my usual support system.

I do have my boyfriend there for me, but I don’t want to put it all on him, if ya know what I mean.  I don’t know, I should be sleeping right now, but instead I’m sitting here whining and writing about my pain and grief *sighs*, this is one of those times where I’m wondering if this ever gets easier.

My boyfriend was telling me that what I need and what could help me is to have and raise my own child/children, which I do need that and it will help some, I think, but I can’t do that yet.  I have to get married and stuff before I can have another child to raise as my own and even though that will help and that’s part of what I need, it won’t make my pain and grief completely disappear.

Can we just fast forward to a week from today when her birthday and all will be over with already?  Can someone just take this pain away from me?  I really don’t know how I bear this sometimes and wish it would lessen somehow at times.

I’ll be fine, just going through my hard birthday grief and sad funk time right now…it really sucks though.

I just wanna hibernate…

Anyone else feel like this that’s placed a child/children for adoption around their birthdays.

I just have a hard time with living normal life and trying to function as well sometimes around my girls birthdays that I’ve placed, ya know.  I got a great letter from the mom of my girl that’ll be turning 2 this coming Tuesday last night and ending up bawling my eyes out.

Anyway, today’s been kind of a crappy day too and another crying fest.  I’m really hurting about it and missing my girl like crazy right now.  I just wish so bad that I could hold her in my arms again and I don’t know how I keep living and surviving with how much my heart hurts over this sometimes, ya know.

I just want to go hibernate until her birthday and placement day are all come and gone.  It’s getting worse and more painful since Tuesday, her birthday’s, almost here and a lot closer now.  I just want Thanksgiving to be over with already.

*Sighs*  I don’t know why this seems harder for me right now, but for whatever reason it is and I feel alone because I’m living on my own away from home.  I mean my parents and usual support system aren’t here.

I mean sure I can call them and I’ll see them soon enough when I go home on Thanksgiving break and I have friends and a boyfriend that tries to be helpful and comforting too, but it just seems harder right now…I don’t know.

I’ll survive somehow…just like I always do, but it still really sucks and hurts right now, ya know.

Insecurities SUCK!!!…

And so does dealing with low self-esteem and man I’m having another one of those times where I’m ticked off at my exes and my mom for what they did to help with the damage to my self-esteem and to help my insecurities flourish in the past.

I hate myself for ever letting them get to me and for ever letting myself think crap about myself.  I hate dealing with this stuff sometimes, ya know…it can really suck and I work hard on it and I’m doing better with my insecurities and all, but then when I have these moments I wonder if I’ve made as much progress as I thought I did.

Oooo, I hate it, hate it, hate it.  Why do I do this to myself?  I am so mean to myself when I get down on myself or am feeling insecure, it’s not even funny.  I mean, ya know.

I don’t know why I do this – it’s freakin annoying!  I’ve been doing great and everything and then here I go thinking why is Cory with me anyway?  I mean, ya know, when that nasty little mean voice comes in and starts saying you don’t deserve to be with someone like him and that he should be with someone better than you and that you’re not good enough.  That nasty little voice that says why is he with you of all people and you know he’s just settling for you because you’re not worth it.

That nasty little voice that makes it so you have a battle with yourself about whether or not you should stay or leave.  Or in other words whether you should sabotage your own relationship with this good guy because he deserves better than you or not.

Ooo, I hate that nasty mean little voice when it shows up in my head and does this to me.  Then it just keeps going and asking why is he with you anyway, I mean what’s so great about you, why doesn’t he go be with someone else that’s better than you and that doesn’t have your past, these issues and that doesn’t have all this crap with them like you do.

I mean, that nasty little voice, that makes you wonder why does he want to try to make it work with you.  Why should you deserve this…why would he want to try to work through things and help you out with all your crap from your past and the emotional stuff that has to do with having been divorced, abused and placed two daughters for adoption.  Why does he want to be with you when you’ve been intimate with other guys and done/gone through all this crap in your past?  

See, that nasty little voice makes me label myself as a piece of crap and feel like I’m only worth a penny’s worth that can easily be thrown away or replaced and it wouldn’t matter because there’s lots of pennies.  When I shouldn’t label myself like that because I’m worth more than a penny, a lot more than a penny, right.

Ooo, I hate insecurities and low self-esteem crap and dealing with it.  See, there’s another one that my nasty little voice brings up, why does he want to be with you when you’re like this and have to deal with insecurities and low self-esteem crap, doesn’t he want someone who doesn’t have this crap…shut up, you nasty little voice.

Shut up, I’m not listening, la, la, la.  I mean that’s what I need to do is tell it to shut up and not listen, right, because it’s not helping me or anything here.

If only I could kill that stupid voice for good.  If only I knew how to get rid of it permanently so I wouldn’t have to keep going through this every so often.

Well, I’m improving, so I need to improve more and kill that dang voice already.  That dang voice can be really debilatating and right now having that dang voice really doesn’t help with my daughter’s second birthday coming up in about a week now either.

I’ll survive and be fine.  Somehow, I’ll keep getting better with these stupid insecurities and low self-esteem and I’ll do my best to keep drowning out that nasty little voice until I can kill it one of these days. 

Happy Dance!!!

*Does a happy dance* 😀

I’m so excited and on the up again because I got lots of pictures of my second girl who’s about to turn 2 and a few e-mails filling me in on things too.  YAY for me :D!!!

I haven’t downloaded all the pictures onto my computer yet from my e-mail so I’ll have to do that later and put some up for ya all to see.  She’s getting to be so big and she’s still as adorable as ever, of course :).

Oh and they told me they’re going to be sending me some 2 year old professional pics after her birthday with my Christmas presents this year.  YAY again!!!

Oh and I also got an e-card and a note just a little bit ago from my 3 1/2 yr old’s family too so that was another YAY :)!!!  Anyway, I’ve gotta go to the store and finish getting the stuff so I can send the package to my almost 2 yr old’s family for her birthday on Monday.

Oh and about my feeling vulnerable and insecure, it’s still there a little, but it’s getting better and well, ya know, as always, I was overly freaking out when I shouldn’t have been.  So, all is right with things with Cory and I again  – not that there was really anything ever wrong, but I had to have my periodic freak out, I guess.

Anyway, I’m doing lots better now than I was and I got those letters and pictures so that helped too.  So, things are going good overall and my birdie’s happy too chirping up a storm at me as always lol :).

Feeling Vulnerable…

…of course, after I’m on a high, I bring myself down to earth and have a freak out session here – typical.

I hate that and I hate dealing with my fears, insecurities and being vulnerable with all this.  I’ve never been so scared in my life as I am now, not that being scared is necessarily a bad thing, but ya know. I just don’t like being a girl sometimes, ya know lol. 

It’s like the better it gets, the more scared I get when I have my freak out sessions, which are getting to be fewer and farther between, but I still have to deal with them at times.  I had a major freak out/break down last night/this morning after I was with him again because it was like I realized on another level how much I have at stake here.

I came home last night and was all calm and thought this is great, I’m fine, everything’s fine and I’m going to go to bed instead of staying up thinking.  Well, I was wrong with that, I ended up thinking about stuff and all of a sudden finding myself totally freakin myself out and didn’t go to sleep until morning so I kept myself up all night with my freak out session – so annoying when I do that to myself.

It’s just that I started having my stupid insecurities and fears creep into my thoughts, which they haven’t done in a while so I suppose it was time for them to visit again.  Annoying little thoughts…anyway all of a sudden I realized and became aware on another level how much I have at stake now and it scared me.

The thing is that I’ve never had this much at stake before, I’ve never put this much into anything before like I’m putting into this.  I’ve never been so vulnerable, never laid myself so bare, never been so open with someone and never put myself out there so much like I am now.  I’ve never cared so much, I’ve never wanted anything or anyone so much, I’ve never hoped and prayed and cried and been all over the place so much because of hoping and wanting so much to be with someone or to have something work out like I do now.

I’ve never invested so much in anything before so I’ve never been this scared and nervous about losing him or what I’ll do if I lose him or being broken and shattered again.  I’ve never held my breath waiting and watching to see what will happen so much as I do now.

I’ve never loved anyone or felt like this about anyone or anything like I do about him.  I love him so much, it scares me and it keeps getting to be so that I love him and become that much more vulnerable with each minute, hour and day that passes. 

It’s just that I love him so deeply and so much, there are no words to express it and it makes me that much more vulnerable, nervous and scared at times. 

Well and it never made sense to me before, all the things everyone told me about what it was like for them loving someone, waiting and holding their breath to see what would happen with their situations until now.  Now so much makes sense to me that never made sense to me before…like how I use to hear about girls crying and flipping out when they’d get proposed to, I never understood that before now. 

Now I totally understand why girls freak out when they get proposed to and I didn’t freak out when my ex-husband proposed to me and we got engaged.  I laughed when he proposed to me…guess that should have been a sign among many I should’ve noticed, but oh well, the past is the past.  Well and then when one of my other exes tried to propose to me, all that would come out of my mouth was the word No, I couldn’t say yes, so glad I didn’t marry him though – ew.

Anyway, this stuff is pretty intense and stressful sometimes, ya know.  This is one of those times that I wish I could skip ahead and read the end of the book to see what happens so to speak, but I can’t. 

If only I knew, I keep thinking I know, but then I get nervous and insecure and doubt the things I thought I knew.  I just don’t want to be broken again, I mean, of course, if I had to, I’d make it through being broken again, but the thing is that I realized with how much I have at stake here now is how hard it will be and how much I will be broken if I get broken again.  I will be broken and shattered worse than I was after my ex-husband this time because this is so much better and more real and means that much more to me than my ex-husband ever did.

I guess that tells you in another way how much I love and feel for Cory and how much he means to me with what I’ve said here too, doesn’t it.