Just Had to Say…

I read this entry, The Birthmom I Want to Be, from another awesome blogger and it struck a chord with me.

Everything in that post that was written by the blogger, A Life Being Lived over at Carrying a Cat by the Tail and quoted from the book, Lifegivers: Framing The Birthparent Experience In Open Adoption by: James L. Gritter is true and made a lot of sense to me to read.

I placed Sweet Pea and Bookworm, 6 and 7 1/2 years ago and pretty much everything that’s said/quoted in that entry is pretty much true of me and who I am today and how I am today. Somedays are better than others…but most of the time and for the most part I am that birthmom described in that entry. Some of those things are always a work in progress and such.

I just have to say, I read that entry and went Wow that’s pretty much me and how I am and look at life etc. now and it was just Wow to read someone write that so well. I definitely have to get and read that book now…yes I haven’t read it though I’ve been thinking about it for a while but haven’t done it yet.

I definitely want to read that book even more now and makes me think I need to work some more on getting myself more comfortable with the idea and all of going back to sharing my experiences at high schools or what not.

It was just something that goes with some more healing/another layer of grieving with adoption and some other things from my past as well that fit with where I am right now and that was good for me to read/hear.  I read that and realized that even though I’m still not perfect (won’t be until after I’m dead most likely :p) and have wondered if I’m on the right track with life and things at times, that I am doing the right thing and the best I can for me.  Reading that told me that I’m doing at least some of it right with doing my best to navigate life as a birthmom having placed two daughters.

It’s just good, once in a while, to have some positive reinforcements and validation from other sources outside of family and close friends that you are on the right track, if ya know what I mean.

Reading that entry, along with some other thoughts/emotions etc. I experienced recently, they were all the validation and reminders I needed that I know the Lord sent me to help me continue to grow and learn as He wants me to from this experience and in this life.

Sweet Pea is 6 years old today.

It’s her birthday again…already…I can’t believe she’s 6 years old now, well technically, she turns 6 at 5:01 p.m., but that’s just a technicality :p. Time just keeps on flying by, it seems.

She’s in Kindergarten now and doing awesome with school and everything. She mentioned me for the first time to her mom, asking about me and seeing me.

She’s so cute and getting to be such a big girl already. And things are still going great and continually staying good/improving with my relationship/friendship with Sweet Pea’s parents/family and everything.

Unfortunately I didn’t get to go to the Boutique jewelry event and see Sweet Pea’s mom like I had hoped to do because of both Hubby and I being sick…yes, still.

Although Hubby and I are starting to feel somewhat better now and hopefully we’ll finish getting better and stay better, but we’ll see how things go with that.

I have decided though, side note here, that this time of year (Thanksgiving time and all etc.) and I don’t get along so well all the time. I think this time of year with the weather/germs or something has it out for me. I mean this year, I was/am sick with cold/sore throat/cough, last year was the flu, quite a few years ago I had strep throat a few times this time of year it seems, if I’m remembering right.

Then there was the year, 6 years ago, on 11-21, that I had Sweet Pea and it was all very bittersweet especially back then. So, you might see why I think this time of year doesn’t seem to like me very much.

Sweet Pea’s birthday is still somewhat bittersweet even now…but much, much less than it was back then and it varies how my emotions are on her birthday as well as every day.

I’m excited to hear if Sweet Pea likes the birthday present I sent this year because I think it’s so cute and I think/hope she’ll love it. It’s the cutest music box ever!

It’s interesting when I think about it now, but I think, in a way, I appreciate and have more joy over Sweet Pea and her Birthdays now as she keeps growing up and becoming her own little person and everything. I don’t think I had as much appreciation, joy or realization of how much joy, love and appreciation I would have for Sweet Pea when she was born and I was going through the bittersweet time.

I don’t know if that made any sense, but what I’m trying to say is that I have more love, joy and appreciation for Sweet Pea and her birthday now than I did because when she was born, I had too many emotions, a lot of them that were very hard and more negative then positive since I was seeing/feeling so much loss and pain and not as much positive, happy at that point in time back then.

Anyway, the point is that my appreciation, love and joy for Sweet Pea, herself, her birth/birthday and her family has grown and continues to grow in leaps and bounds the more time that passes and the more our friendship/relationships continue to grow in the positive, healthy way that they are growing.

I hope that Sweet Pea has the best birthday ever this year and that all her dreams come true today and always. Happy Birthday, Sweet Pea!!! I’ll be thinking of her today, sending her all my love as always with lots of hugs and kisses.

Ramblings

I’m here…have a few different things going through my head that I’m thinking would likely make pretty good posts once I can think coherently enough to write it down the way I want.

I’ve been thinking and working through some more stages, I guess you could say, of healing and dealing with grief/life and being married/hoping to have children relatively soon lately. Also it’s Sweet Pea’s birthday in a week, well technically less than a week on 11-21 and there’s that thrown in there with my emotions and all lately as well.

I’m having all sorts of fun with sickie germs right now and have for the past few days thanks to when I recently saw my parents, this past Tuesday, and my Dad passed his lovely germs/cold etc. onto me. Also Hubby has them now too and since he has asthma…he’s been feeling it some in his chest and such…what fun for him don’t ya think :p.

Anyway, I’m hangin in there and doing pretty good all things considered for now. Thinking about returning to the realm of helping out with doing presentations at local high schools, junior high schools etc…but nervous about it and part of me doesn’t want to go back to doing it again. I did it for a year in the past already and I feel like I probably need to do it again for me and to help educate others and so forth, but I don’t really like putting myself out there like that all the time either so trying to work through my thoughts/feelings on that recently too.

Also, I have a whole bunch of thoughts on the saying, “Adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary situation”, which have been on my mind for quite some time now.

So, lots going on with my thoughts/life and all recently although it doesn’t always seem like there’s that much going on when I look at things until I sit down to write/think about it all and realize there is more going on then when I initially look at things.

This week/weekend should be interesting…possibly a rollercoaster ride because of buying/mailing Sweet Pea’s birthday package etc. and then her birthday. Then because most likely I will be seeing/saying Hi to Sweet Pea’s mom this weekend…not seeing Sweet Pea, but her mom with a boutique get together thing for her jewelry business etc. again so that could be interesting depending on where my thoughts/emotions are and all.

Then I get to go meet people I have not yet met from Hubby’s family while doing Thanksgiving next week with the in-laws so wheee, time to get in the rollercoaster and strap on my seat belt, I suppose :).

Surreal

I just have had a few interesting thoughts in my head since yesterday that I thought I’d write down briefly.

And the one word that was going through my head with all of the thoughts was surreal…see yesterday I went with Hubby to a town’s craft fair/festivities because Sweet Pea’s (5) mom and friend had a booth of their jewelry up for display and Sweet Pea’s mom invited Hubby and me to come and see her and the jewelry so we did.

It was lots of fun and totally awesome going up there and seeing her with her friend and their jewelry booth, hugging her and talking with her and her friend and then with her younger sister who had come to see the booth etc. too. But it was just a couple times when we were standing around talking, helping with cleaning up the jewelry booth etc. and then going over to their family’s cabin to sit and talk for a little while before we headed back home that once in a while I had some interesting different thoughts flitting through my mind.

First was when we were talking, laughing, joking together while we were cleaning and I stopped and looked at the scene before me and thought this is kinda weird/surreal…I’m hanging out and joking with my daughter’s mom/other mom and my daughter’s aunt and we’re all okay with it and like it’s totally normal even though if you look at the details of how we came to be friends and know each other…it isn’t ‘totally normal’ at least not to most people, but it is a kind of normal to me…it was just kind of a weird thought moment for me.

Another weird thought moment was when Sweet Pea’s mom was showing me around their family’s cabin and in the back of my mind I was thinking, this is where my daughter plays and is making memories for herself with her family. So, I was having those kinds of weird random thoughts/moments…a few of them when we were hanging out with Sweet Pea’s mom, Sweet Pea’s aunt and their neighbor/friend. It was another different experience, different, but good and well…just interesting…if ya know what I mean.

Also the other day before we went to the craft fair thing and hung out with Sweet Pea’s mom and the few others…I found myself thinking that I envy the neighbors and close friends of Sweet Pea’s mom, the ones she sees every week because I wish I could be her neighbor and see her more often than I do…I love all the time we get to spend together and talk, but I always want to spend more time and talk more because we get along so well and are so close like we are, but sometimes I wish I had met Sweet Pea’s mom in a different way…if that makes sense.  Just like sometimes I wish I had met Bookworm’s mom in a different way, for much of the same reasons…just some more random, weird, interesting thoughts here :p.

Awesomeness, Validation, Pro Adoption and Reality

I was thinking about things the other day and thought of how blessed/lucky I am to have the relationships I do with both my girls amoms. I know not everyone has great relationships or positive experiences with the aparents of their children among other things which make their whole adoption experience suck, but mine has been a positive thing. Of course, there is still a lot of negative and grief and all sorts of emotions/things to deal with being a mother who has placed two daughters for adoption and everything, but there has also been a lot of positive, which I was remembering the other day.

Some of the awesome things I was remembering the other day that I’ve been grateful for with my relationships with both my girls amoms are:

***Bookworm’s (7) mom has opened up and shared a lot with me lately and continues to do so since first talking with me about the divorce etc. with Mr. X (Bookworm’s adad)…it has been interesting talking as I have been lately with Bookworm’s mom because I feel like a whole new side and a whole lot more of her has been revealed to me because she’s opened up to me. And it’s been a great thing for me to experience, to see this whole other part of her that makes her even more of a real awesome person with all her quirks etc. and that much more of a close friend to me and not just my daughter’s amom.

***This is one of the things I thought of that I still think is really awesome…and that is that the last time I talked with Bookworm’s mom around 3-4 weeks ago…while she opened up talking to me about things even more…she asked me for my advice/insight on her new relationship with her boyfriend and things to consider while she’s considering marriage to said bf after her recent divorce. I was floored in so many ways when she asked for my advice/insight because first I was like WHAT cause she’s thinking about marrying another guy already, but then because I was like wow she’s asking me what I think because I’ve been where she is to an extent…I was married, divorced – abusive guy/porn etc…and then years later found and married Hubby and so she was asking me my advice/insight cause she knew that about me and cause she was treating me as her friend and equal and someone who’s advice/insight mattered. I mean I’m not just Bookworm’s bmom to her, ya know and it was so awesome and meant/still means so much to me that she has shared so much with me and asked for my insight and my advice on that situation. I mean isn’t that awesome?!?

***Another awesome thing about Bookworm’s mom…she told me she’s talked to her new boyfriend and told him about me and how we’re friends, stay in touch and talk etc. all the time. I always tell everyone how I’m close, friends and stay in touch with her and assumed she did the same but never knew so that was awesome and validating to me to hear that from her also.

***Bookworm’s mom encourages Bookworm to talk with me etc…doesn’t ever discourage her in anyway about her adoption, me, where she came from etc…I think it’s amazing the way she handles and does things with Bookworm and myself and the whole adoption side of things, if that makes sense.

***Sweet Pea’s (5) mom is just as awesome as Bookworm’s mom and validates and does amazing things as well. One of those things I was thinking about with all these others the other day was that Sweet Pea’s mom has always acknowledged me as Sweet Pea’s mom…she has told me as I have told her a few times she doesn’t think of me as Sweet Pea’s bmom, and I don’t think of her as Sweet Pea’s amom…we think of each other as friends/best friends similar to Bookworm’s mom and I though a little different and we think of each other both as mothers to Sweet Pea. Sweet Pea’s mom has always validated and been open to talking with me about everything…it’s been awesome. I’m just now getting there with Bookworm’s mom…so it took more time with her, but with Sweet Pea’s mom it clicked from the beginning.

***Another awesome thing about Sweet Pea’s mom, just recently within the past 3-4 weeks as well…we were talking and she asked my opinion on how to handle discussing a very sensitive topic with her other daughter, 12 (or 13?) and what I thought about her and her husband wanting to wait until she’s a little older to lay out the full story for her about the sensitive topic in reference to her bfather…which I’m not saying the whole topic etc. because Sweet Pea’s mom asked me not to tell/talk about it with anyone, she was okay with me talking about it to my Hubby and my Dad, but didn’t want me to talk/spread it around so that’s why I’m being generic etc. here. But this was awesome to me that she asked my opinion in much the same way I thought it was awesome that Bookworm’s mom asked my opinion on what I mentioned above…that Sweet Pea’s mom also treats me as an equal and a friend who’s advice/insight and opinion matters and not as just Sweet Pea’s bmom etc.

***Another thing I love about Sweet Pea’s mom is how she asks me sometimes if x, y, or z are traits, behaviors or mannerisms that she’s seen Sweet Pea do that might come from me or my family. She is okay with talking about and often is the one who says or mentions to me how she sees similarities such as hair/face/eyes or this behavior, mannerism or personality trait that she can tell Sweet Pea got from me. I love hearing about how Sweet Pea has things/looks etc. similar to me and Bookworm as well…and recently Sweet Pea’s mom was telling me how her other daughter (also adopted) looks so much like her bdad and then talking about how Sweet Pea looks quite a bit like me. Then Sweet Pea’s mom told me that was fine with her, that she loved having Sweet Pea look like me :D.

***Sweet Pea’s mom also encourages if Sweet Pea wants to talk/know anything about me, her adoption, where she came from etc…Sweet Pea is just at a different age/stage then Bookworm so we don’t talk online or anything like I do with Bookworm…at least not yet anyway. Sweet Pea’s mom talks with me about everything and is just one of my best/closest friends…the list could go on and on, but I’ll leave it at these few things about both my girls moms and our relationships/friendships.

***Something else I thought of the other day with all these things that are awesome and adoption related etc…my family asks about my girls, how they’re doing, how things are, how their afamilies are and asks to see pictures and my parents send them things along with my packages on holidays, birthdays etc…I think it’s great the way my family is about it and doesn’t treat it like it’s taboo or not okay to talk about etc…although my mom isn’t perfect, but see that’s just my mom in general with everything.  Also Hubby and his family ask about my girls etc. and his parents claim my girls as their grandkids too…Hubby’s mom puts their pictures up on her fridge too…they also encourage my relationships with my girls and their families and Hubby talks and is friends with them also.

***One thing I thought of with all these great things that still sticks out to me and means so much to me…more than my Dad will ever know or anyone will ever completely understand…is that I was talking to my Dad on the phone about things…I think it was when I’d found out about Bookworm’s parents divorcing however many months ago now…and I was trying to express some of my thoughts/emotions about this whole new development and how it made me feel regarding the choice I had made to place Bookworm 7-8 years ago now. And really I was trying to express some of my thoughts/emotions that I’d been trying to express about the whole adoption experience and being a mother who’d placed twice etc., but didn’t have the words…and my Dad filled in the blanks and gave me the words…when I was trying to say it’s not that I am saying I didn’t make the right choice/decision because I still believe/feel I did what was right and best for Bookworm and myself in that situation when I placed her…but it’s that I wish or a part of me wishes it could have been different somehow or ugh…I don’t know how to say what I’m trying to say here…I said that to my Dad on the phone and then said…do you know what I’m trying to say here?…after which my Dad said, yes I think I do, you’re saying there’s some regret there and I was like YES, thank you for saying that…and then we went on to discuss it more…it’s still something discussed on and off, but my Dad saying that and talking with me validated me in so many ways and on so many levels…when he said that it resonated with something deep inside me…that I had been trying to voice and find the right words for some time and I love the way he said it.

It wasn’t “I regret that I placed Bookworm or Sweet Pea for adoption”…it was that there is SOME REGRET there…meaning it’s okay for me to feel some regret because I think for a long time I felt like I couldn’t be okay and know I did what was right/best for both my girls when I placed them and still feel some regret about it, but talking with my Dad etc. about it and then processing through it some more I’ve just recently come to the realization that it’s okay to have some regret and still know/feel that I did what was right/best in placing both my girls. It was so awesome that moment with my Dad and that conversation to start coming to that realization that I did have some regret, but I still know and feel that I did what was right/best for my girls and myself when I placed them, if that makes any sense cause I know it does to me and it felt freeing to me to talk with my Dad and have him give me the words I was searching for to express myself and for him to validate me so awesomely as he did with that.

Because after he said to me well yeah I think you’re saying you have some regret, he said and that is to be expected…how could you not go through what you did and not feel/have to deal with the element of regret as well as the grief and everything else you’ve been experiencing and dealing with all this time since you placed both Bookworm and Sweet Pea. It was just an awesome, awesome moment for me and for me to have with My Dad as well that I think will forever stick out to me and it was another good step for me in dealing with all my emotions and everything.

So, there ya have it all the awesome, amazing things I’ve thought of recently that are adoption related among other things that I felt the need to write down.  And there it is…I’m still more of a pro adoption person then an anti adoption person and that’s my choice…some of you may not agree or be upset with me/at me because I am not anti adoption, but it is who I am and what I choose to be.  And while I’m more of a pro adoption person…I don’t, however, think adoption is the answer for every girl who finds herself in a position where she is considering adoption, parenting or abortion…I think it is a very valid choice and can be a good choice if it’s the right/best thing or you feel it’s the right/best thing for you and your child, but I don’t agree with unethical adoption practices…or mothers being coerced/pressured to place their child for adoption or told that they can’t talk about it and so on.

I just feel that adoption can be a good choice if it’s a choice/decision that’s made with the right kind of help and such…with the understanding that a mother can change her mind at any time whether she’s choosing to parent or place etc…meaning if she wants to parent and changes her mind to place that’s her choice if she feels it’s best and has examined her options wisely and thought it through and if she wants to place and changes her mind to parent that’s her choice as well too.  I don’t look down on anyone who chooses to parent not place or anything…there is no easy choice or easy way out when you find yourself in the kind of situation where you find yourself considering the options of adoption, parenting/single parenting or abortion (side note here I don’t consider abortion an option personally…I simply put it because most people consider those three choices to be what you choose from when faced with an unwed pregnancy etc., but I’ve never considered abortion to be an option because just as I’m more of a pro adoption person, I’m pro life and strongly against abortion).

So, these are just my thoughts and opinions on things…and while I support adoption as a good, valid choice if it is made wisely and from an educated standpoint etc. and is what you feel is best…I also feel that it should be shared when a girl/woman is deciding whether to place or not etc…that there will be some regret and it will be hard no matter what…the agency I used both times called me in once to talk to a girl considering placing her child for adoption and they wanted me to talk to her…when I went and talked to her…I asked her questions about what she thought and felt and what she’d found out…what she kept coming back to is I don’t know what to do, I don’t know so I told her this…”what it comes down to is can you live with this or not? I mean you have to listen to your heart and what you think/feel and you have to say to yourself if I decide to place does it feel right, can I do it and if I do it, will I be able to look back in a year or so I say I’m okay with what I did and the choice I made because what it comes down to is what you know in your heart and what choice you can live with and what you know is best for you and your child.” I also told her not to think or worry/consider anyone else and their opinion or how they factored in…just herself and her baby and what she felt in her heart and could she look back and be okay with that she placed because if not she most likely should not do it…I believe she chose to parent her baby…and that was not just because of what I said but because she already knew that in her heart that she couldn’t place and be okay with it and that she didn’t feel it was best for her and her baby and that was her choice and I’m glad she did what she knew was best and right for her and her child, just like I did for me and my girls.

I don’t try to paint rosy pictures although it is or may seem rosy at times…I just try to be real when I talk about my experience and emotions with having placed both my daughters for adoption and how it’s affected and continues to affect me, my family and my life in a lot of ways that aren’t always expected either. As long as someone has all the facts and isn’t pressured or coerced and feels adoption is the right/best thing for them to do then I support it and that’s my two cents on that  along with my awesome facts about my girls moms, my experience, my family and everything :).

Mr. X

Here’s an update on Bookworm(7) and her aparents…or rather the update about the divorce and Mr. X…as I’ve now decided to refer to the adad/former adad.

So, Bookworm’s mom hasn’t specifically told me the divorce is final, but she did change her Facebook status to single and so I’m pretty sure it’s final or if it’s not then it will be really soon.

I recently talked/chatted online with Bookworm’s mom to get an update on everything and this is what I found out:

1.) Mr. X got a “slap on the wrist” for his sentence for what he did…if you don’t know…e-mail me or something to let me know who you are etc. and I’ll let you know/give you the password for the previous post that gives those details.

2.) Bookworm’s mom has now moved to her own place and Bookworm is with her and they’ll be adjusting and settling in for the next while or so.

3.) Bookworm’s mom didn’t get sole custody of Bookworm like we were hoping…not sure what it’s called officially or what not, but Mr. X still gets to visit/have Bookworm stay with him…Bookworm stays with him half the summer and 2 holidays a year…I’m not that happy about that right now, but hopefully things will change/work out for the best over the next while here with things.

4.) Bookworm’s mom and I are having a much better friendship/relationship since she kicked Mr. X out and divorced him. She and I are talking a lot more often and being a lot more open and honest with each other and it’s been really good and a really big improvement between us and also with Bookworm herself (i.e. me chatting online more with Bookworm etc.). So, in addition to all the other reasons etc., that was another reason and good thing that has come out of Bookworm’s mom divorcing Mr. X.

5.) Are you sitting down for this one?…I was sitting down for this one and it still threw me off so I had to remember to breathe calmly…Bookworm’s mom is/has already dated a few guys a few times and she now has a boyfriend…say what?…yeah that’s right I said Bookworm’s mom has a boyfriend! Now here comes the other part to sit down for…not only does she have a boyfriend…but she asked me after she told me that she had a cute boyfriend…and I quote “So, how did you know you were suppose to marry your Hubby?”

And I froze, then had to remind myself to breathe while sitting here staring at the computer screen going “WHAT?” before I said/typed back to her “Just a second, I’m thinking…” so I could compose myself and think what to tell her as my answer.

Then I wrote/told her a really long answer/a lot about how it came to be that I met my Hubby and how I knew that it was right to marry him. I also told her a few things that I felt she should know and it was a really good open discussion with her asking my opinion and advice and me answering her questions.

Also, after she dropped the bomb so to speak and we talked about it, I felt better about things and so did she. She’s not going to rush into anything, she’s taking it kinda slow to make sure that it’s the right thing to do and he’s the right guy/right kind of guy for her. She’s also waiting to make sure that Bookworm likes him and he and Bookworm get along and that Bookworm gets along with her boyfriend’s two daughters as well. She wants to make sure everyone gets along and see how everyone meshes together between the two families with her and the Bookworm and him and his two daughters so we’ll see what happens, but I’m just glad that I know about it and we’re talking about this and everything with all the stuff going on, ya know.

6.) Can I just say, Wowie…it’s been one heck of a rollercoaster ride as far as my Bookworm(7) and her mom and all that they’ve been through with this divorce from Mr. X and now dating/thinking of getting married again to Mr. New. Not to mention all the stuff that happened with Mr. X and all the adjustments they’re going through and it’s all been happening within the past year. It’s just wow…so much of a rollercoaster ride in just one year…and I’m just seeing/experiencing a portion of it because it doesn’t affect me the same way as it affects them.

And so that’s all there is to update on Bookworm, her mom and Mr. X (who I’m still really not happy with and still having some anger toward btw, but I suppose considering everything that’s to be expected).

7.) Oh one other thing about Bookworm is that within the next few weeks, I should be getting to talk to her online again =) – YAY! I also recently talked with Sweet Pea’s mom and things are good with them and they’re keeping busy with having a fun summer and all =).

So, I’ve had recent chats/updates with both Bookworm’s mom and Sweet Pea’s mom within the past couple weeks and seen a few recent pictures so things are good with that. And like I mentioned above, I should be getting some more chatting and fun with both of them soon…specifically some chatting with Bookworm =).

And as far as any other news or updates on me, Hubby, my life/our life etc….well, not much to tell other than what I just did…we’re still hanging in there with money and all…but Hubby’s still looking for a job and there’s no other major news to report. He’s also still doing school online and I’ve got to apply/see about doing school online myself soon if I’m going to do it this fall and then we’ll see what other news life brings as things happen and life goes on =).

Have to add…our bird – cordon blue finch is nuts and a little whiny…he flipped out forever the other day because I wasn’t in the same room as him and then when I came back in the same room and sat down…like 5 minutes later he fluffed up and went to sleep – silly bird.  Also is anyone else dying of heat here =p…it can cool down any time now and I’d be just fine with that.

Thought I’d end on a happy note with one of my fave upbeat, happy songs for the day :).

Thinking About…

…well I’m thinking about quite a few things, but don’t know how to write or what exactly I want to write about them all just now.

These things have been going on/through my head for a bit now, but haven’t figured out quite how to write some of them or what to write exactly so…I’ll write some and think on it more and see if more detailed posts come later.

1. I’ve been thinking and wondering how things turned out and are going for Bookworm (7) and her mom now that I think the divorce is final and they’ve moved to their own place. I just sent a message/e-mail asking Bookworm’s mom about things so hopefully I’ll get a reply and/or talk to her on chat or something again soon to get updated.

2. It struck me the other day when I was sitting thinking about various things that not everyone always remembers that adoption is not about or not supposed to be about anyone but the child…I placed my two girls for adoption because it was about them and what I felt/thought was right and best for them not me, not my family and not anyone else. I get tired of trying to be all politically correct and respectful of everyone who may disagree with me and my choice to have placed both my girls etc. etc…and I realized it shouldn’t matter to me too much about other people and what they think…what matters is my girls and what they think and feel and what is best for them period.

3. It seems kind of strange to me, but for some reason recently…I’ve been having different kinds of revelations and/or light bulb moments that are significant especially to myself, but also somewhat to life in general and such.

4. One of these so called light bulb moments that I experienced recently that finally surfaced and I could finally make sense of it and put words to it that made sense…was not one that was particularly a ‘happy’ light bulb moment…it was in regards to my mother. I finally vocalized and discussed it with Hubby and put it into words that if I were to be completely honest/truthful with myself…my mother has a whole lot more of a part in the reasons why I placed both my girls than I have admitted or perhaps realized to myself until recently. If I’m completely truthful, my mother is at least a major third of the reasons being at least one of the three major reasons why I ended up placing both times. There is so much more to this one…it should and most likely will end up getting its own post sometime soon…once I’ve worked it out some more in my head and in talking with others.

5. I’ve been watching “Secret Life of an American Teenager” and it’s like a freakin train wreck that I can’t look away from…first they have one girl who’s 15 get pregnant, keep and parent/co-parent with the guy and now they’re having another girl that is pregnant and wanting to get an abortion. It’s just wow, so much of this emotionally charged stuff in a show, ya know and I don’t know what to think about it…sometimes I think good sometimes bad…but it definitely can be a show that has a few triggers for me to say the least, if ya know what I mean.

6. Another revelation I had in regards to my mother after all the crap with FB as I mentioned previously etc. and so on…that I discussed with Hubby as well is that we have mentioned and talked with one another before about different guidelines for my mother’s involvement in my/our children’s lives, but we also have said that we want to try to do our best so that our kids will respect my mother and not think she’s an irritating know it all witch because my sister’s kids think my mother/their grandmother is a witch and they don’t like her or respect her much at all, but my mother doesn’t seem to like or show much respect to any of my sister’s kids either. Anyway, the point is Hubby and I have mentioned previously that we want to have our kids be nice and respectful to my mother as their grandmother and not think she’s a witch, but recently when discussing my mother and such…I have come to the conclusion and mentioned to Hubby that realistically I don’t know how well or how much control we will have over our kids being and staying nice and respectful to my mother…not if she continues to act and treat myself, Hubby, and others badly as she does. We can do our best to instill the behaviors and manners to be nice and respectful to their grandmother, but overall and in the long run…it is up to my mother how my/our children will end up thinking of her and treating her…if she treats them like she treats me, they will think she’s a witch and have issues with her like I do…if she treats them nicely and with respect, they will do the same back…but it’s all up to my mother and how she treats our kids (once we have them that is…hopefully soon…).

7. I was thinking/reading on an adoption forum etc. the other day about how it is for mothers who placed their children in the closed adoption era and how some mothers kept their children secret. Also how some adoptees never get to meet their birth parents because they die before the adoptee finds them and I was comparing it…though it doesn’t compare equally…to how it is for me since I placed my two girls and have the different levels of openness that I do with each of my girls and their families, which keeps changing for the better over time. And I was talking with Hubby about it and was like interesting how it was for mothers and the children they placed back in the closed era to how it is now for me and some others who have placed recently because with myself…there’s no way I would ever think or would have ever been told to keep my girls a secret like a lot of mothers were told back in the closed era and I have two little girls and their families that I have to answer to right here and right now. I already have at least one of my girls, Bookworm, asking me things every once in a while…wanting to know if Sweet Pea (5) knows about her yet and what she likes, if they like the same things etc. and once Hubby and I do have a baby as soon as they are born/a couple years old they will start learning about their two sisters out there…of course, it will all be on their level of learning at their different ages…but I know that as soon as I have another child, both my girls, but especially the older, Bookworm, will want to know if my other child, their sibling knows about them so even if I ever thought about waiting to tell the kids I will have until they were older about Bookworm and Sweet Pea…I can’t because I have to answer to Bookworm and Sweet Pea now because we communicate and they ask questions and will ask questions as they grow up. I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like, how hard it is or was for all the mothers who placed their children in the closed era…I don’t know if I could have placed in the closed era…I really don’t…it makes all the difference in the world to me to have the levels of openness that I do with both my girls and their families and to be able to develop our relationships/friendships and keep updated on each other the way we can as we go through life instead of having to find out things from them all at once when they find me when they’re older, ya know.

So, you can see I’ve had a lot going through my head to think on lately and at least I wrote this for all these recent thoughts for now. Also…I just found a few flying ants in our kitchen…not happy about that…going to have spray, set ant traps or something cause insects of any kind, but especially flying ants is not acceptable here – nope, nope, nope :p.

A few things to say here

Okay so I have a couple or so things floating around in my head along with somewhat strong emotions attached to some of them.

At first it was just one or two things that I thought no big deal…I don’t need to write about them. Then it was a few more things so here I am doing kind of a rambling/list post of sorts I guess you’d call it.

Here goes…first of all…some of you may not like to hear this…but it is what it is…

1. I am LDS as in I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, which I believe and know for myself to be true and I believe and know Christ lives and loves us. I also know that Heavenly Father lives and loves us and that Jesus Christ died on the cross and atoned for our sins. I am not ashamed of God or my belief in God or my religion…if you don’t like it, that’s your choice, but this is a very huge part of who I am, how I live and look at things and also always has been, is and always will be a major part of my life. I want to make sure you know this as to helping you to know me and see where I am coming from and keep your negative LDS/mormon comments to yourself. If you want to write about how all LDS people and our church is all bad etc. then go ahead, but don’t expect me to agree or support that point of view and don’t lump all LDS people into the same category because we are not all the same bad, evil and/or narrow minded people you think we are.

2. Not only am I LDS (Mormon), but I live in Utah and I use to not like it here, but now I do and once again I don’t like being lumped in with how some of you think all the LDS people or all the people in Utah are. Also for the most part, I support the adoption laws here, but I support them coming from my point of view, which is not the same as some of yours. I support them coming from the standpoint that if they hadn’t been there when I placed my two girls…it would have been a lot worse of a situation specifically when I placed my second daughter. With when I placed my first daughter, it wasn’t that much of a big deal to me about the adoption laws etc. because the guy – her bio guy as I refer to him…just walked away and never did anything. But with my second daughter and that second guy, I am glad the adoption law was the way it was or I would have had that much more to go through and deal with in regards to that psycho guy trying to mess things up. And he was a psycho, stalker, emotionally, verbally abusive etc. so it would have been a bad thing for him to have more of a chance to use his rights.

So, my situations and my standpoint/viewpoint are different and that is a lot of why I am glad that the adoption laws here in Utah were/are the way they are because it was a good thing in my situations.

Of course, it’s not always a good thing, but the thing is I didn’t move here from another state when I had and placed my two girls either. I did everything legally from my being here, living here and staying in the same state when I got pregnant, was pregnant and then placed both times. Also both times, I told both guys and they both had the chance to assert their rights etc., but neither of them did…the second guy threatened to do what you need to…told me he would, but he never did.

So, like I said, for me and my girls the adoption laws here in Utah were a good thing.

3. I don’t acknowledge the bio guys on Father’s Day because they aren’t Fathers of any kind to either of my girls and they never were. Maybe they are to other children now and maybe they’ll be different If and When my two girls ever want to know about them years from now, but right now they’re not and never were. They have biological connections to my girls and that’s it…and yes I still have some anger with the guys that I still process through and deal with better some days than others.

4. I also have a little more anger behind the anger I deal with toward the bio guys and all the jerky guys I’ve known right now etc. because Bookworm’s parents just got/are going through their divorce because the adad was a disgusting jerk and major disappointment.

5. The other night I was at my parents house to celebrate my Dad’s birthday and I saw a piece of paper by my Dad’s desk in their office room. On that piece of paper was a list of grandchildren by name and their birthdays…Bookworm (7) and Sweet Pea (5) were on the list and I thought that was way cool so I told my Dad I thought that was cool. My Dad said, of course, I have to keep track of all my grandkids and their bdays and then just observing, I said “hey you don’t have C.S.’s name and bday on there” referring to the son my sister placed for adoption about 25 yrs ago now. My Dad said back to me, “yeah I sometimes wonder and think about him and how he turned out etc.” and to which my mother said, “well, we don’t have any pictures of him or know anything about him so of course we don’t have him on our birthday list etc.”

I just stared dumbfounded at my mother when she said that because I was like seriously you don’t have a picture of one of my nephews or know anything about him so he doesn’t count in the family?? What kind of logic is that anyway!?! And then I thought so if I stop giving you pictures or telling you about my two girls, are they going to get erased from the birthday list now…I mean seriously. Why doesn’t she just say oh that part of you is rejected to my sister about that son because that’s what it would feel like and sometimes does feel like to me that she doesn’t accept my two girls as part of the family or doesn’t accept that part of me…not the way my Dad, my Hubby, his family, some others of my family and everyone else accepts that part of me anyway, but then what do I expect from my mother *rolls eyes*.

6. Father’s Day is My Birthday this year…I’m glad to share it with my Father, who is the most awesome Dad ever…of course I might be a little biased ha ha. But my Dad is one of my Heroes and yes I’m a Daddy’s girl through and through. I’m very close with my Dad and he and I have a great relationship/friendship…and he’s always been there for me and been like a rock for me and we’ve learned and grown a lot together through all the ups and downs in life. I can’t imagine having any better/more awesome of a Dad than I do.

So, with Father’s Day and my Birthday being the same day – it’s a celebration for two pretty cool people if I do say so myself and I do – My Dad and I :D! My Dad and his Dad and my mom’s Dad and all the other awesome Dad’s out there are the ones I recognize and choose to celebrate that day.

7. And Finally my last thing to say here…I think I had a little more to say than I thought lol, but anyway. My last thing here is to say that I’m finally really getting into serious mode about wanting and being ready to really try for having a baby and starting a family. It’s been a process and a journey to this point, which is far from over, but I’m just now feeling ready/starting to feel really ready for taking this jump in life and getting more baby hungry lately lol :p. I’m also getting excited even though it’s also rather scary at the thought of having a baby that I bring home and raise myself, but I’m excited to do it with my Hubby cause I think he’ll be a great Daddy just like my own Daddy one day :D.

She made it Facebook official

Today was mostly like any other day…nothing major happening…just hang out, clean and the usual sort of day for me at home.

Until I was sitting at the computer browsing through some blogs and a spider ran up my leg causing me to jump up, run around freaking out and swatting at it to get it off my leg. Needless to say I was a bit jumpy every time I felt something brush my arm or leg the rest of the day until just now within the past hour when I found a spider on the carpet and had Hubby kill it. I strongly suspect it was the spider who dared to touch my leg, but if it wasn’t I warned any creepy crawlies hiding around here that I would find and dispose of them…they are not welcome here ever…can you tell that I really, really strongly dislike spiders and creepy crawlies :p.

And then the big thing that caused me to pause and think as well as have a bit more of a reaction/emotional reaction than I expected…I pulled up my Facebook page and saw Bookworm’s (7 yrs. old) mom’s notice/update that said she was “single” now. It was very, very weird to me to see that on my Facebook feed…I mean I knew it was coming…I knew it would happen and I know pretty much all the details of the situation/divorce and things that are being worked on and have been worked out with Bookworm’s custody and all…but it’s one thing to know about it, to know what’s happening and what’s coming and then to see the result of it like this update of Bookworm’s mom’s update…she’s single now.

It’s just so weird and I’m not entirely sure how to react or how I want to react or feel about it after seeing that update on my Facebook feed today, ya know. It’s wild and still somewhat unexpected to me that it’s really happening/happened…the divorce and everything with Bookworm’s parents.

I sat and stared at the screen for a few minutes with twenty things racing through my head and feeling a range of emotions and then looked at the comments to her update of ‘she is single’ now. I thought what should I comment or should I comment…because really what I thought of writing would have ended up being a paragraph or more about I’m sorry and I’m happy for you and I hope you are happy and enjoy time to yourself before you go jump back into dating or anything like that. I also thought of writing, wow, so is the divorce final, so is Bookworm with you, as in did it work out with you getting sole custody or what’s the final verdict on that or do you know yet cause she was still figuring that out among other things the last I talked to her a few weeks ago and she just barely moved into her own place so I need to e-mail/talk to her to get another update on things soon, I think. Plus I want to talk to her and see how she’s doing with all of this that’s going on and the changes she’s going through now, ya know what I mean.

I want to talk to her and be there for her because I care about her not just because she’s Bookworm’s mom although that’s a reason why too. I also want to talk with her to check in etc. because I have an idea of where she is with this…because while I didn’t experience her exact situation…I did experience something similar when I was married the first time and got divorced although there weren’t any children involved when I ended that first marriage, which made things somewhat easier, but anyway I just have been thinking about Bookworm’s mom and wanting to check in with her for a little while now, but giving her space while she moved and took care of some things.

Another thing that got a reaction out of me when looking at Bookworm’s mom’s update of being single on Facebook was what some of the comments were. I mean seriously I wonder about some people and their comments…of course, they mean well and they’re just being supportive to her in their own way, but I know if she’s anything like me that some of those remarks didn’t really help. And by the way, I ended up choosing not to comment because a lot of what I wanted to say to her was more personal than I’d like to put on her Facebook page and probably more personal than she’d like me to put as well. I’ll say it to her in an e-mail or next time we get a chance to chat cause I’m hoping to catch her and talk to her online in the next couple weeks so we can catch up a little.

Anyway, back to the comments on her ‘I’m single now’ update on FB…Most people just clicked that they liked it, which I did as well cause it was better than figuring out a comment to put on it etc…but a few people wrote comments. Like one person wrote ‘oh I’m sorry I didn’t know’…uh what kind of comment is that can I ask…I thought that was kinda weird and then a couple others and then the one comment that I didn’t like the most was a person that wrote ‘Enjoy being single while you can cause someone will grab you up before you know it cause you’re so great’…I read that and I was like seriously?

Because okay, I get that from that comment they’re trying to be supportive, positive and loving etc. to Bookworm’s mom about her finding and marrying a good guy sooner than she thinks, but she just barely put that she was single on FB after she’d been married to the same guy, who was a good guy at one time too, who she adopted Bookworm with, and they’d been married for 18 yrs…I didn’t really think that was the best or most appropriate comment to put on her I’m single now update, but maybe that’s just me. Plus, I highly doubt that Bookworm’s mom is all anxious and impatient to go dating again and get married again after what she’s been through…she needs time before she goes back into dating and marries someone else etc…I mean for heaven’s sake people give her a little time and space before you start telling her that she’ll be dating and married again before she knows it.

And then that comment and my thoughts/reaction to the comment etc. brought me back to the worry I have in the back of my mind of what if Bookworm’s mom marries someone else, who doesn’t like me or who doesn’t like the fact that I’m still a part of Bookworm’s life like I am. What if Bookworm’s mom marries someone who wants to push me out of the picture and not deal with me or something like that…I mean I know that Bookworm’s mom is not going to rush into anything, not back into dating and not into another marriage and that she’s going to take her time, be quite a bit picky and everything before she marries another guy, but even though I know that…I still have that little worry in the back of my mind about the next guy she marries or dates etc. and how that may or may not affect Bookworm and the whole adoption relationship/friendship between us, if ya know what I mean.

So, anyway that’s how seeing Bookworm’s mom’s update of ‘she’s single’ now threw me for a bit of loop today…emotionally, mentally and so forth. It’s another new part of things for me to deal with and process through with this new aspect of things with Bookworm’s mom being single again and all that. I’m sure there will be more to process through that I never expected to deal with when I first placed Bookworm with her mom and ‘once upon a time’ dad that will never be a dad to her the same again or the way I wanted him to be a dad to Bookworm.

And all because he couldn’t work through his issues and be the dad that Bookworm needed him to be and/or be the person that Bookworm’s mom, Bookworm and I along with many others needed, wanted and hoped for him to be.

Yep, I’m still processing this loss, the loss of the dream that I had hoped Bookworm would have and one of the reasons I had placed Bookworm in the first place because I so wanted her to have a mom and a dad. I so wanted her to not have to deal with exactly what she may end up having to deal with now…being shared between two parents who don’t love each other anymore.

It really is heartbreaking and so very sad when this sort of thing happens especially when it’s something that can affect your child so much.

Decisions, decisions hmm

Still trying to decide on nicknames or pet names to use for referring to my 5 and 7 yr. old here and not coming up with much of anything that is striking me as the nicknames that would best fit them.

I do have a few possibilities…and still looking for more. So far, here’s what I’ve thought of using:

For my 5 yr. old – Sweet Pea, Princess, Little Miss Brainy

For my 7 yr. old – Punkin/Pumpkin, Miss Bookworm, Little Miss or just Miss Brilliant

So, What do you think out of the choices I have here?

Edited to add:  I’ve decided to go with Sweet Pea for my 5 yr. old and it’s between Bookworm or Smarty Pants for my 7 yr. old…I’m not sure which one sounds better…which do you think?