She made it Facebook official

Today was mostly like any other day…nothing major happening…just hang out, clean and the usual sort of day for me at home.

Until I was sitting at the computer browsing through some blogs and a spider ran up my leg causing me to jump up, run around freaking out and swatting at it to get it off my leg. Needless to say I was a bit jumpy every time I felt something brush my arm or leg the rest of the day until just now within the past hour when I found a spider on the carpet and had Hubby kill it. I strongly suspect it was the spider who dared to touch my leg, but if it wasn’t I warned any creepy crawlies hiding around here that I would find and dispose of them…they are not welcome here ever…can you tell that I really, really strongly dislike spiders and creepy crawlies :p.

And then the big thing that caused me to pause and think as well as have a bit more of a reaction/emotional reaction than I expected…I pulled up my Facebook page and saw Bookworm’s (7 yrs. old) mom’s notice/update that said she was “single” now. It was very, very weird to me to see that on my Facebook feed…I mean I knew it was coming…I knew it would happen and I know pretty much all the details of the situation/divorce and things that are being worked on and have been worked out with Bookworm’s custody and all…but it’s one thing to know about it, to know what’s happening and what’s coming and then to see the result of it like this update of Bookworm’s mom’s update…she’s single now.

It’s just so weird and I’m not entirely sure how to react or how I want to react or feel about it after seeing that update on my Facebook feed today, ya know. It’s wild and still somewhat unexpected to me that it’s really happening/happened…the divorce and everything with Bookworm’s parents.

I sat and stared at the screen for a few minutes with twenty things racing through my head and feeling a range of emotions and then looked at the comments to her update of ‘she is single’ now. I thought what should I comment or should I comment…because really what I thought of writing would have ended up being a paragraph or more about I’m sorry and I’m happy for you and I hope you are happy and enjoy time to yourself before you go jump back into dating or anything like that. I also thought of writing, wow, so is the divorce final, so is Bookworm with you, as in did it work out with you getting sole custody or what’s the final verdict on that or do you know yet cause she was still figuring that out among other things the last I talked to her a few weeks ago and she just barely moved into her own place so I need to e-mail/talk to her to get another update on things soon, I think. Plus I want to talk to her and see how she’s doing with all of this that’s going on and the changes she’s going through now, ya know what I mean.

I want to talk to her and be there for her because I care about her not just because she’s Bookworm’s mom although that’s a reason why too. I also want to talk with her to check in etc. because I have an idea of where she is with this…because while I didn’t experience her exact situation…I did experience something similar when I was married the first time and got divorced although there weren’t any children involved when I ended that first marriage, which made things somewhat easier, but anyway I just have been thinking about Bookworm’s mom and wanting to check in with her for a little while now, but giving her space while she moved and took care of some things.

Another thing that got a reaction out of me when looking at Bookworm’s mom’s update of being single on Facebook was what some of the comments were. I mean seriously I wonder about some people and their comments…of course, they mean well and they’re just being supportive to her in their own way, but I know if she’s anything like me that some of those remarks didn’t really help. And by the way, I ended up choosing not to comment because a lot of what I wanted to say to her was more personal than I’d like to put on her Facebook page and probably more personal than she’d like me to put as well. I’ll say it to her in an e-mail or next time we get a chance to chat cause I’m hoping to catch her and talk to her online in the next couple weeks so we can catch up a little.

Anyway, back to the comments on her ‘I’m single now’ update on FB…Most people just clicked that they liked it, which I did as well cause it was better than figuring out a comment to put on it etc…but a few people wrote comments. Like one person wrote ‘oh I’m sorry I didn’t know’…uh what kind of comment is that can I ask…I thought that was kinda weird and then a couple others and then the one comment that I didn’t like the most was a person that wrote ‘Enjoy being single while you can cause someone will grab you up before you know it cause you’re so great’…I read that and I was like seriously?

Because okay, I get that from that comment they’re trying to be supportive, positive and loving etc. to Bookworm’s mom about her finding and marrying a good guy sooner than she thinks, but she just barely put that she was single on FB after she’d been married to the same guy, who was a good guy at one time too, who she adopted Bookworm with, and they’d been married for 18 yrs…I didn’t really think that was the best or most appropriate comment to put on her I’m single now update, but maybe that’s just me. Plus, I highly doubt that Bookworm’s mom is all anxious and impatient to go dating again and get married again after what she’s been through…she needs time before she goes back into dating and marries someone else etc…I mean for heaven’s sake people give her a little time and space before you start telling her that she’ll be dating and married again before she knows it.

And then that comment and my thoughts/reaction to the comment etc. brought me back to the worry I have in the back of my mind of what if Bookworm’s mom marries someone else, who doesn’t like me or who doesn’t like the fact that I’m still a part of Bookworm’s life like I am. What if Bookworm’s mom marries someone who wants to push me out of the picture and not deal with me or something like that…I mean I know that Bookworm’s mom is not going to rush into anything, not back into dating and not into another marriage and that she’s going to take her time, be quite a bit picky and everything before she marries another guy, but even though I know that…I still have that little worry in the back of my mind about the next guy she marries or dates etc. and how that may or may not affect Bookworm and the whole adoption relationship/friendship between us, if ya know what I mean.

So, anyway that’s how seeing Bookworm’s mom’s update of ‘she’s single’ now threw me for a bit of loop today…emotionally, mentally and so forth. It’s another new part of things for me to deal with and process through with this new aspect of things with Bookworm’s mom being single again and all that. I’m sure there will be more to process through that I never expected to deal with when I first placed Bookworm with her mom and ‘once upon a time’ dad that will never be a dad to her the same again or the way I wanted him to be a dad to Bookworm.

And all because he couldn’t work through his issues and be the dad that Bookworm needed him to be and/or be the person that Bookworm’s mom, Bookworm and I along with many others needed, wanted and hoped for him to be.

Yep, I’m still processing this loss, the loss of the dream that I had hoped Bookworm would have and one of the reasons I had placed Bookworm in the first place because I so wanted her to have a mom and a dad. I so wanted her to not have to deal with exactly what she may end up having to deal with now…being shared between two parents who don’t love each other anymore.

It really is heartbreaking and so very sad when this sort of thing happens especially when it’s something that can affect your child so much.

Happy Anniversary time!

It’s our wedding anniversary today…2 years…already. It’s amazing how the time flies and that it’s been 2 years since we got married now…kinda wild to think about and all.

We don’t have anything major planned, but most likely we’ll go do something later on today. We’re going to go to dinner, to see Iron Man 2 and maybe we’ll go to the aquarium or something else too, we’ll see what happens.

Anyway, we’ll have fun whatever we end up doing :D.

Other than the Anniversary day here, not a whole lot new to update…other than my 7 yr. old and her mom are moving, packing things up in boxes to move and be in their new place very likely by now or this next week…they’ll be moved and starting in their new place really soon.

And everything else is going pretty good with life and all. I do have one other thing I have been thinking about for a while, but haven’t written cause it’s not that big or anything.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking for a while now and wondering about giving nicknames/pet names to my two girls to use to refer to them as from now on in my blog, but I don’t know what to call them or what nicknames to use.

I’m just kinda tired of always writing my 5 yr. old and my 7 yr. old and their parents or the first letter of their names…I want to figure something out for nicknames to call each of them when I’m blogging about them so I’m wondering what suggestions any of you have.

I’m also trying to think of any nicknames that I think would fit them and their personalities, but I’m not sure and haven’t come up with much yet. So, if you have any ideas or suggestions from what you know of me and my two girls etc. for ideas of nicknames then please share.

Also if you have ideas or suggestions to help me with ideas and figuring out what would work best for nicknames to use for my two girls, then feel free to share…I’m open to any ideas or suggestions here. I just don’t want to refer to them as my 5 yr. old and my 7 yr. old anymore, if ya know what I mean :).

Thanks in advance for any ideas on the nicknames.

And you thought I might have disappeared…ha ha

Well, sorry to disappoint you, but I’m still here.  I just haven’t felt like blogging a whole lot and been busy with married life and just life in general for the past few months.

Anyway, can you believe I’ve been married for 3 months already now?  Where does the time go?  I’ve been thinking about and have discussed with the hubby about having a family blog for ourselves separate from this blog of mine and so in the next few  months or so after we move out or maybe a little before we move out…we’ll probably set up more of a family blog for ourselves.  Ooo, isn’t it exciting…branching out into the big ol’ blog world with a family blog for hubby and I lol.

So, let’s see, what to write…I’ve been working on and doing the Wii Fit still to try to tone and get in better shape as well as possibly/hopefully losing some weight.

I’ve been reading lots…I read the last Twilight book and finished that series – LOVED it, of course.  I also have been reading the Dresden Files series and really enjoy them also.  I’ve also read “The Host” by Stephenie Meyers, Fablehaven series by Brandon Mull and a few others.  I’m almost done reading the last Harry Potter book, “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” and I have “The Looking Glass Wars” to read and I’m getting quite a list of books lately.

I went and visited my family recently because I had to take care of some things and stayed up there with them for a week and then came back.  Hubby didn’t go since he was working at the local computer store.

We also went on a weekend to Southern Utah to check out places to work/live and go to school earlier this summer and had to fix an issue with my car before we could drive back…that was lots of fun ha ha – not.  We’ve actually been back and forth between down here by Lake Powell and Southern Utah this summer trying to figure things out with work/school and apartments.

I still get spoiled rotten by hubby and he doesn’t demand or expect me to do everything myself.  He still continues to love and accept me for me as well as accept my girls.  His family is also great about my two girls and his mom likes to hear about them also.  His mom even asked me for the most recent photos of my two girls and has put them up on her fridge and says she has no problem with claiming them as her grandchildren as well.  I think it’s really cool that she’s like that, ya know.

My 5 yr old just started kindergarten about 2 weeks ago, if you can believe it.  They just wrote me last week updating me on life etc. and sent me a picture of my 5 yr old on her first day at kindergarten.  She’s so adorable, of course, and getting to be so big now.  My 5 yr old typed or I should say attempted to type me a paragraph in this last e-mail last week, which turned out to be mostly nonsense, but then her mom translated it for me to my 5 yr old wanting to tell me about her first day at kindergarten and all.

It really was cute, special and neat that my 5 yr old wanted to type/tell me about her first day at kindergarten and stuff.  It also really hit home more about how she and my (soon to be) 4 yr old are really starting to understand and realize more who I am and that I’m an important part of their lives.

And so, I think that about sums things up for now.  I’m sure there’s quite a bit more I could say and catch up on, but I gotta go do dinner and possibly game time with hubby.  Plus I’m a bit more tired than I usually am today so I’m not sure how coherent this will come out if I try to write much more…who knows maybe this didn’t come out that coherent anyway lol.

So, life goes on and I’ll update again later…hopefully sooner than 3 months from now this time around :).

Reflecting…

It’s just from watching some movies I’ve watched lately, things that have been going on with life and all…I suppose…but I’ve been reflecting on life and having some trips down memory lane recently.

There’s too much to say all right now, but let’s say first of all, I saw Juno against my better judgment and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, but I didn’t think it was that well done and of course, it wasn’t realistic at all from my perspective.  Some parts in the movie, I saw hints of the real life version of what would have been going on in that situation with unplanned pregnancy, adoption, marital problems etc., but they weren’t more than just hints.

Of course, there were a few parts that really kind of got to me as was to be expected and I found myself holding back tears and aching some having the memories come back to me of when I went through my experiences of having, placing, meeting the adoptive parents/families and so forth.  I held back tears and remarks a few times during the movie because I was watching it with one of my roommates as well as my fiance and my roommate doesn’t know.

Anyway, there’s just been a lot going on with planning the wedding, dealing with the boy (recent past bf) and his friend(s) being mean and whatever to me and then not talking and then apologizing and talking again – who knows.  I just feel like that song all over again right now when thinking of the boy and his friend(s)…the song I mentioned before in a recent past post called “My Give a Damns Busted” by Jo Dee Messina.  There’s some other songs that I think probably would describe my feelings on that better, but that’s one of them…I’m just tired of all the emotional rollercoaster stuff with them and the whole trying to be friends thing so I’m feeling like it’s time to just let it go and whatever will be, will be.

I’m also feeling melancholy and reflecting on life because all my roommates are moving out as of tomorrow/Tuesday and then I’ll be moving out soon…I’m feeling like this part of my life, this era, is coming to a close and a new one’s beginning with getting married and all and some of it, starting this new era, closing the other one and everything is making me feel sad and long for some of my past days…while at the same time getting more excited and anxious to start this new era, this new adventure with getting married and moving forward with my life.

It’s just all so exciting and scary all at the same time leaving one thing and moving onto another in life.  All the changes…they both thrill and make you a little nervous and scared all at the same time.

Anyway, just some random thoughts of mine while I’ve been reflecting on how my life’s gone in the past year or so and on where I am now to where I was a year or two ago.  It’s just interesting where life takes you and how things happen as they do so you end up where you do in your life.

Things are a little crazy ha ha!

That’s putting it mildly…but yeah what do I expect when I’m planning my wedding and dealing with life etc….ya know =P.

So, let’s see we’ve got half, well, actually more than half of the wedding planned so far, which is good considering the fact that it’s coming up really fast and I’m kinda freakin out and having stress about it among general things in life.

It keeps sinking in on different levels that I’m actually getting married, but it’s still kinda surreal and all, if ya know what I mean.

I still have quite a bit to do for having done as much as I have though…this week’s going to be busy…I have to look/decide on my wedding dress, wedding cake, work on invitations, go to the dr./clinic and my future hubby wants to look at apts for him to move into at the end of this month and then I’ll move in with him after we’re married the next month – eek!

Ya know what I think kinda freaks me out here besides that I’m actually getting married here and to my match – the perfect/best guy for me – is the reality that most likely within the next year or so here I’ll probably have a baby that will be the first one that I parent after having had and placed both my girls.

That concept and thought is kind of a weird one for me.  I mean it’s exciting and nervewracking and everything all together, if ya know what I mean.  But yeah I’m not focusing on that thought too much yet because I’m just trying to get through all the planning and the wedding etc. before I deal with the oh my gosh moment I’ll have when I find I’m pregnant at some point after being married – which will probably happen sooner than I think though, but ya never know…just focusing on the wedding and making it through the rest of the planning right now though, ya know =P.

Okay so I’m feelin a little crazy and a little all over the place with the wedding and all lately, but yeah that should be no big surprise to you, if you know me well at all ha ha =P.

I Feel Like a Kid in the Candy Store!

Okay so I’m like way hyper and have never been happier than lately with new guy and especially now.  It just keeps getting better and better.

I feel like I’m bursting with how things are going with my new guy and I and things we’ve been talking about lately…if you can’t guess then I’ll have to fill you in later hee, hee =).

This year is lookin like it’s going to be one of my best years yet – *bounces around* =).  I’m just so freakin hyper right now and I’m suppose to be sleeping as usual…which I’m not ha ha :p.

Anyway…I had to briefly freak out all hyper here for now and I’ll fill in the details later – *grins big*.

Stay Tuned…

I have a lot on my mind…tons lately and have talked and talked about it all…but was thinking I should sit and write some if not all of these thoughts, happenings etc. down so stay tuned cause I’ll be writing a bit within this next week, I think.

I’d write a whole lot more right now…but it’s really late or whatever you want to say and I should get some sleep before I have to get up for work soon :p.

I just have had a whirlwind happen in my life for the past 2-3 weeks it seems and there’s a lot to say etc. with one relationship having ended and another one having begun and the difference between them or rather how different the one that’s begun is than the one that ended.  Then there’s A’s b-day coming up in March…she’ll be 5 years old already that filters in with everything and all the emotions plus a few other things, but yeah so you have an idea of all that I have on my mind lately that I probably should write all down as soon as possible within this week.

Anyway, gotta catch a little bit of sleep so nite nite for now :p.

It’s One of Those Dates…

That triggers something for me sometimes still…August 11…it’s been 7 years now since I got married the first time on August 11 in 2000, which ended in divorce in 2001.  The divorce was final by the judge on June 1, 2001 after I had kicked my ex-husband out in April, I believe it was.

Anyway, this date of August 11 still has some triggers and emotions for me even after all this time…it’s lessened a lot and I’ve moved forward with my life and let go of a lot, but there’s still some things there from that first marriage.  I always think maybe one of these years I won’t notice the date of August 11 and it will go by me without me noticing at all, but that hasn’t quite happened yet.

Right now though, this date is something I still notice and remember to an extent.  I remember how happy I was, innocent and naive getting married on this day 7 years ago…only to have it all fall to pieces almost immediately after I married.  Anyway, I remember my first wedding and everything…the whole bittersweet thing sometimes still especially on this date of August 11.

I find myself specifically at times around this date each year, remembering my ex-husband, and wondering if he’s changed at all since I was with him.  If he’s figured out and/or found any kind of real happiness for himself in his life with anyone else or not and I do know because of happening on some information by chance once about two years ago or so that he has a son by some ex-girlfriend of his and that he hasn’t married again since we divorced and he’s still looking for happiness and hasn’t changed much at all.

I hope that someday he’ll be able to figure out and find some real happiness for himself in his life and change himself for the better.  But he’s not my problem anymore so I don’t dwell on it anymore, but these thoughts pass through my head nonetheless on this date of August 11.

I guess you could say that to an extent I still grieve for my failed marriage and some things on the date of August 11.  Well and perhaps I think more about it sometimes like this year and last year because I’m heading toward another marriage with another man, who’s totally different and so much better, wonderful and well fitted for me than my first was.

So, perhaps I have thought a little more about my first marriage and my first husband because I’ve found someone else to have happiness with and to be with and since I’ve figured some things out and been able to find happiness and a second chance at a happy, successful marriage in the future with someone now, I hope for my first husband to find the same for himself some day.

Just some random thoughts I’ve had in my head today, I guess and some emotions etc. that I’m not quite sure how to express or what to say here other than what I’ve said.

It’s the whole thing, I guess, with having lost and letting go of one dream to find and have another better dream now.