“Whole Again”


I am Me…

Completely and totally…again…all the way being and feeling myself again…don’t know how to describe it really…it’s more of a feeling and I’ve been so happy since feeling all the way like myself again and where I’m suppose to be in life, doing what I’m doing and back on track from all the hard times, dragging myself somedays and at rock bottom sometimes especially all the crap I went through in the past 11 years.

From coming home on cloud nine after serving an LDS mission to Uruguay and crashing to the bottom with marrying, being abused and then divorcing my first husband, which seems like another lifetime and such a faint memory now, to getting involved with more loser type guys and having and placing my two girls and going up and down on the rollercoaster of life and planning to marry one guy after being together for around a year and a half to ending up with the best guy for me that I’m with now…it’s been an amazing rollercoaster of life these past 11 years and most of them/ a lot of the time I’ve been down and fighting my way back to the top from all my hits and times spent at rock bottom.

I never thought I’d feel this way again…all the way myself again back in tune with the Lord, His Spirit and everything else…but after all the crap and heck of a long rollercoaster ride, I guess is one way to put the past 11 years…I feel like I did 11 years ago before I went through everything I did except that now all those things are incorporated into me and my life and I can and do still feel all the way happy and like myself again.

It’s so awesome and amazing to look at where I was, what I went through and to where I am now and see how the Lord has helped me and been with me through the whole thing.

Anyway, I don’t know how to explain it in words just right more than this right now…other than I’m just so freakin happy about this monumental progress and return to myself/completely being myself right now.

I’m going to see about finding a song or two that helps to describe and express more of what I’m feeling in regards to this post and all.

Light Bulb Thoughts…

…Well, for me…they were and at the same time they weren’t since I’d already thought/realized them to myself etc., but never voiced or really thought of it this way.

Just how Love is Hate upside down so it is with Grief and Happiness…Happiness is Grief upside down and Grief and Happiness are fundamental parts/emotions in this life. It all boils down to love/hate, grief/happiness and sadness/joy…all the other emotions or words we use to describe emotions come from the roots of sadness/joy and love/hate etc.

When people ask how long does it take to “get over this, that or the other”…it all depends on the individual and well, let’s be realistic here, shall we…no one ever “gets over” placing a child for adoption, getting divorced, being abused, surviving cancer…etc…etc…because they are not things/experiences etc. that are meant to be gotten over. They are part of you forever after you live them/experience and/or keep living and experiencing them…they are part of what defines you, teaches you and helps you to grow.

So, while no one really completely “gets over” those things, people do learn how to cope and deal with them on a daily basis and move forward with their life with these experiences/emotions as part of them. And everyone that experiences life and their different trials etc. has to learn how to cope with these things otherwise they can’t move forward as well.

And if these parts of life aren’t always faced up to or coped/dealt with and they are denied…then it’s like denying yourself and ignoring/discounting an important part of yourself and your make up that makes you who you are. To avoid dealing with the grief etc. from life changing experiences is to avoid dealing with yourself/an important/essential part of yourself that shouldn’t be discounted or denied no matter how painful or hard it may be to face and learn how to cope/deal with for yourself.

When a person can accept and love themselves, which means loving and accepting all of themselves and what has made them the person they are, I think…then is when a person can completely and totally let go of things. It’s a never-ending life cycle for the most part really – learning how to love and accept yourself and let go of things because that means facing, coping and dealing with a lot of things about yourself past, present and future, which are not usually that easy to accept and love about yourself/learn how to cope and deal with for the rest of your life and forever. Which is why, for me, personally and individually I know and am grateful that I have the Lord and all my family/friends etc. that I do that help me to work through these things and be able to keep working through things so I can love and accept myself and let things go the best I can when I need to throughout life.

And really…when I think about everything to this point in my life and what it boils down to…what all my life changing experiences and issues that I continually have to keep working through to be able to keep working on loving and accepting myself and everything about myself past, present and future come down to…what the real issue is at the root of most, if not all of the issues and so forth are my self esteem issues that started when I was a child because of the intentional/unintentional messages and things I experienced being raised as I was with the kind of mother I had that led me to believe/feel and have as my perceived reality for quite a bit of my life that I was not lovable. That there was something wrong with me and that love was conditional not unconditional because of how my mother was and still is, but now I’ve experienced and still experience and know that there is unconditional love and I’ve broken out of that perceived reality of not being lovable…but there are times that I still have that view/feeling come back that I continually have to deal with of wondering if I’m not lovable or what I did wrong that I didn’t have a mother who loved me more or so forth…but it wasn’t and isn’t my fault that my mother couldn’t love me the way I wanted/needed because she doesn’t even really know how to love herself and hasn’t figured out things about unconditional love or experienced or rather allowed herself to experience the way that I have.

But really, when I look at all the different choices that I’ve made that caused me to have life changing/life altering experiences and sometimes wonder/question or regret things here and there about my life, my past and so forth…it all comes down to the fact that those choices which weren’t always the best were made when I wasn’t dealing with my self esteem issues, when I hadn’t yet realized them and I was searching to fill the hole and heal myself…to be loved like I hadn’t felt loved a lot of my life growing up and what not.

I chose and married my ex-husband because I was searching to be loved and accepted and was with the less than desirable guys I was at different times in my life because I wanted to be loved and accepted and hadn’t learned how to be myself and separate myself from those issues yet. Counseling, life and time along with the Lord has taught and continues to teach me a lot about these things that are an essential part of me, whether I want them to be or not.

What it really comes down to with all these thoughts and things I’ve written down and been thinking about is that you have to love and accept yourself completely, which means loving and accepting every part of yourself and your life and letting yourself experience, face up to and learn how to cope and deal with all these experiences that make up important parts of yourself because you can’t run, hide or bury these parts of yourself and still be able to love and accept yourself not when you are denying and shunning important and essential parts of yourself that have come to be because of your choices and your life. You have to embrace yourself and everything that comes with yourself from life etc…the good, the bad and the ugly because denying yourself or any part of yourself only holds you back and hurts yourself and your progress in life.

It Was a Good Mother’s Day This Year =)!!!

I had one of the best Mother’s Days this year around. For the first time in quite a while, I didn’t really dwell on it being Mother’s Day and what I was missing out on with not being with my two girls I placed or having mixed and hard feelings like I often do in association with the holiday known as Mother’s Day.

So, I’m making progress…still…in life and with healing etc. after having placed my two girls. That’s not to say that I didn’t think about either of my girls and their families because I did…it’s just to say that I enjoyed time with my husband and his parents since we went to visit his mom, who is awesome by the way, for Mother’s Day.

I had a good, fun and relaxing day and wondered about my girls and their families and what I’d get from them, but I didn’t get down or angry or have mixed feelings about it…not that that part of my emotions in regard to my girls and all will completely go away, but it’s progress for me. And it was nice, in a way, to just enjoy and be happy and not even really think about the fact that it was Mother’s Day this year…I mean, ya know what I mean =p.

I did just get a package and a card from my 6 yr. old and her family today/yesterday. The package was a book from her family and the card was from my 6 yr. old – she wrote a little note and signed her name and her parents signed their names too. I was just really excited cause I got pictures with the card and she wrote the note, wrote she loves me and signed her name all herself – pretty cool, don’t ya think :D.

I haven’t got anything specific from my 4 1/2 yr. old and her family yet, but I’m friends with her mom on Facebook so we have posted and talked with each other recently =). She’ll be getting her Mother’s Day present from me today and when I talked to her a few days ago, she was still trying to decide about Mother’s Day gifts…all I want/need is pictures of my 4 1/2 yr old…I’m not hard to please that way :D. We’re also planning to talk and see if we can get together and hang out so good stuff there.

My hubby got recommended for a promotion at work too and I’m going to get a Kindle – YAY, hopefully, soon and then we’re getting a lot closer to be able to moving out on our own soon – finally – hopefully sooner than we think. For the time being…to make things a little better…my parents are going away…out of town…for a couple weeks…leaving in the next day or two – YAY! Then around the time my parents come back into town…we’re going out of town again for 4-5 days to a fancy hotel for our one year anniversary, if you can believe we’ve been married that long already – YAY!

Then we’re probably going to end up going back to visit his parents again in a while and I’m planning to go and finally meet/hang out with a friend in Phoenix, AZ area this summer, as soon as we move out, then my hubby says I can leave and do whatever I want…but I can’t leave him alone while we’re leaving here with my scary mom in the house lol…which for more than just that reason…I wouldn’t want to go until we’ve moved out too though.

Anyway, lots of things happening and good stuff going on here…oh and I guess I should post some of this to the family blog we have ha ha. Hubby is also going to be going back to school online this fall…that’s pretty much for sure…and I’ll be applying and seeing if I can start back to school online this fall too and stuff…so we’ve been busy with life and getting things to happen…which, they’re finally starting to happen now – YAY!

And if you couldn’t tell…I’m a little hyped up right now…cause hubby just came home from work and told me about his promotion recommendation and just before that I got the cool Mother’s Day card from my 6 yr old. with pictures and now I’m typing all this getting excited about life and things happening and all lol.

Side note here…sitting here typing and a bird just kinda crashed/bumped into the window and then flew off lol.

“P.S. I Love You”

It’s a great movie…it’s a chick flick by most definitions, but it’s one of the best movies I’ve seen in a while in that category.

I definitely recommend you rent it and watch it, if you haven’t seen it already…but when you watch it…make sure you have tissues handy because it may just catch you off guard and you may end up crying or at least getting teary eyed in parts.

I didn’t cry…but I came close in a couple parts and I did get teary eyed quite a few times…but I also laughed and smiled and it was a movie that was about love, loss, grief, mourning, moving forward with life and happiness – finding it no matter the circumstances and so many other messages came across in the movie to me.

I LOVED the movie and want to go buy it and add it to my collection now.  I highly recommend it.

On another topic, I had a pretty good Mother’s Day, but right before I went to watch the movie with my fiance, I was having some of the Mother’s Day Blues hit, you know the ones…it’s just that I sent e-cards and gift cards to both my girls moms and my own mom and both my girls moms sent me something, said thanks and acknowleged me, but my own mom didn’t.

This was the first Mother’s Day since I placed my first, who’s now 5, that my own mother said nothing to me and sent nothing to me on Mother’s Day.  I didn’t call her though I debated about it, but I thought hey I sent her a card/e-card and a gift certificate so I thought she would call or e-mail me back to say thanks or to send me something to say Happy Mother’s Day, but she didn’t do anything.

I, of course, haven’t been talking to her really at all for the past week or so since I left on my little vacation down here to AZ to visit and help my fiance’s parents with wedding reception planning for down here.  Plus I did take the break to come down here on this little vacation to take a break from her and her constant harrassing and twenty questions driving me crazy with stress etc. with the wedding planning.  If you know much about me and my relationship with my mom, you know I don’t get along the best with her and there were many issues that came out in counseling that had to do with her and that I discovered that she was a big part of reasons why I made choices I did even though I ultimately made my own choices and everything else on my own – she contributed greatly to the way some things happened, which weren’t positive and it also boiled down to co-dependency, which I’m now a recovering co-dependent, but my mom has not figured these things out yet and tries to suck me back in to her world where she controls me and everything, which I don’t let her control me or my life in any way anymore.

My mom and I have grown apart over the past 5 years or so because when I started to realize her unhealthy influence on me and start working on my own path of being healthy without letting her have the same power and influence on me as she use to have most of my life, it was when I had and placed my first girl.  Then it became even more of a noticeable distance and more of a noticeable gap that I let grow and pushed away from her and her unhealthy influence 3 1/2 -4 years ago when I realized even more through counseling as well as my own personal insights etc. how unhealthy it was for me to let my mom in my life too much because of the co-dependency issues and self-esteem issues.

It’s just that I use to always know without a doubt that even though my mom and I don’t get along the best, she would at least acknowledge me and thank me for her cards and gifts on Mother’s Day and she didn’t this year.  I don’t know if she didn’t do it because I didn’t call because I thought the card and gift certificate was good enough or if she didn’t do it cause she didn’t want to stress me out more, but the sad thing is…I think and I wouldn’t be surprised at all if she did it just to spite me, to be petty and throw a tantrum in her own way because I wasn’t there on Mother’s Day, because I took a break from her, because I don’t let her control me anymore, because I don’t let her in my life the way she wants so she can control things anymore, because I haven’t let her plan MY wedding the way she wants it, because I have taken a stand for myself even with her as my own mother and she doesn’t like it, because I didn’t call her even though I sent her a card and a gift certificate…when I didn’t even feel like doing that much for her on Mother’s Day.

It hurts me, saddens me and upsets me to think that my own mother would and may have stooped that low to hurt me because things aren’t going her way and I’m not letting her in my life to control me or do what she wants anymore.

But at least my fiance and his family recognized me and were great with me for Mother’s Day and at least both my girls mothers recognize me and sent me something too.  My sister-in-law and a few other family members at least sent me something even though my own sister and my own mother didn’t…it doesn’t bother me so much that my own sister didn’t even though I sent her something…it just bothered me that my own mother couldn’t send me anything or even at least just have thanked me for her card and gift certificate…but I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised and I suppose there’s always the chance that I’ll get an e-mail or a call in the next day or two from her saying she’s sorry she was busy or something and that’s why she didn’t acknowledge me on Mother’s Day…somehow I don’t know if any excuse she gives will be enough…that’s just more reason to me for the rift between us to grow and more reason to me why I still won’t let her back in my life the way she wants to be where she can control me and things.

So, that’s how I was thinking and feeling when I cuddled up with my fiance and we watched the movie, “P.S. I Love You” and then I realized while watching it and after it was over that I have the most important people in my life who love me unconditionally, respect me and acknowledge me whether my own mother does or not.  I have one of the best things that’s ever happened to me in my fiance…he always looks out for me and my well being and he was the one who suggested this break from things and saw how the stress and my mom was affecting me negatively and he’s pampered me, let me stay up late, sleep in, help when I can, do what I want and never forced or pressured me into anything.  He spoils me rotten, he’s truly my other half and when I was watching this movie about love and life, I realized for the first time, I have what I want and I don’t have to look anymore…this is really it.

I don’t know how to explain it really, but in the past when I was dating, semi-engaged or unofficially engaged etc. with other guys and we watched some love story movie together…I always found myself looking at myself and the guy I was with watching the movie and wondering if this was really as good as it got and couldn’t there be someone better for me out there…I realized often times watching those kinds of movies with other guys that they weren’t the ones for me and watching those love story movies with these other guys in my past made me think and want more than what I had with that guy or in that relationship.

But this time, watching this movie of a love story, I knew that this wasn’t as good as it gets, that it will only get better for me with my fiance, that our love will only grow deeper and stronger…and I knew that there is absolutely no way that there could be anyone better out there for me than him…he is it and I couldn’t be happier nor could I have picked a better guy than him.  What watching this movie of this love story made me realize was that I had the best there was for me and it made me want to enjoy and make every moment with him the best.

It made me realize I’m the lucky one and that life’s too short to dwell on what I may not have with my mother or others when I have something this wonderful with my fiance and such great friendships and relationships with both my girls mothers and so many friends and others, you know who you all are.  I couldn’t be luckier, more blessed and more loved than I am.

Thanks to all of you who love me unconditionally and are always there for me, you know who you are and I send all my love and hugs to all of you as well.

I Feel Like a Kid in the Candy Store!

Okay so I’m like way hyper and have never been happier than lately with new guy and especially now.  It just keeps getting better and better.

I feel like I’m bursting with how things are going with my new guy and I and things we’ve been talking about lately…if you can’t guess then I’ll have to fill you in later hee, hee =).

This year is lookin like it’s going to be one of my best years yet – *bounces around* =).  I’m just so freakin hyper right now and I’m suppose to be sleeping as usual…which I’m not ha ha :p.

Anyway…I had to briefly freak out all hyper here for now and I’ll fill in the details later – *grins big*.

Stay Tuned…

I have a lot on my mind…tons lately and have talked and talked about it all…but was thinking I should sit and write some if not all of these thoughts, happenings etc. down so stay tuned cause I’ll be writing a bit within this next week, I think.

I’d write a whole lot more right now…but it’s really late or whatever you want to say and I should get some sleep before I have to get up for work soon :p.

I just have had a whirlwind happen in my life for the past 2-3 weeks it seems and there’s a lot to say etc. with one relationship having ended and another one having begun and the difference between them or rather how different the one that’s begun is than the one that ended.  Then there’s A’s b-day coming up in March…she’ll be 5 years old already that filters in with everything and all the emotions plus a few other things, but yeah so you have an idea of all that I have on my mind lately that I probably should write all down as soon as possible within this week.

Anyway, gotta catch a little bit of sleep so nite nite for now :p.

Update: Things Are Starting to Look Up

Okay that ticks me off…I don’t know what happened, but I had a whole post written out and went to publish it and the computer lost it. I thought it had saved at least part or most of what I’d written, but when I pulled it back up I couldn’t find my post anywhere so I’m annoyed.

To sum up what I had written for an update here, I have a job now that I started this past Monday. I’m still trying to adjust to getting up early and working during the day, but it should be a good experience for me. I’ll be working as a teacher’s assistant for a study skills class in a high school so I’ll have nights, weekends and school holidays off so that will be good.

Since I’ll be working during the day as a TA at the high school, I’m thinking of planning to talk to an advisor at my college next week and taking a couple classes in the afternoon/evenings. But yeah that’s the plan to work during the day and take a couple classes in the afternoons/evenings now. I’m also looking to move out since the places I mentioned before that I was going to move out to – the deals fell through and I have a few places I’ve been looking at, but haven’t decided on anything for sure…anyway I’m hoping to move out within the next little while now that I’ve got a job.

Okay I wrote the above a few days ago or so…so the new update as of new is that I’ve been a little busy and fallen behind some with my blog here as usual…but I did have a whole update post typed up and then it got lost.  I’ve been trying to post this actual post I’m writing now to update a few times for the past few days now and been frustrated with my post getting lost so hopefully this time it will actually work for once.

I’ve worked one week at this Teacher’s Assistant job and it’s pretty boring…I feel like I just sit around and “babysit” high school students/watch them study.  I am suppose to be in this study skills class to help and I don’t feel like they really need me there that much plus I work with 3 teachers and two of them – the guy teachers have both asked me twice in this past week that I’ve worked there what exactly my job is because they aren’t sure what to have me do.  I told them I don’t know exactly what my job is because on  my first day at the little orientation – the office/admin people told me they didn’t know what to really tell me about my job and that the teachers would tell me then two of these three teachers are like what’s your job so I don’t know.  I’m not too impressed or thrilled with this job anymore after this first week…besides I want to move out to an apartment which is not in the same area as this job so I’m not planning on staying with this job for very long.

I have an appointment to go meet with an apartment office on Monday afternoon to hopefully get a place with them since the others I’ve tried with talking to the people selling their contracts or what not have all fallen through so far.  I decided to try talking to the office people for the apartments instead of the people to see if this will work out better for me to get a place with them and not have it fall through for once so I can move out – the sooner the better here.

Also since I’ve decided this current Teachers Assistant position isn’t really for me and not that close to where I’m looking to move soon, I’m still looking for a job that’s more my thing or would work better for me to be able to go to school and work with then this one would.  I’ve had a few calls and a couple interviews this past week, but most of them picked someone else to hire, but I found lots more to apply to and all today and I received an e-mail today about an interview for another job that’s more what I want to go into type of position with working at a residential treatment center possibly so I have quite a few jobs I’m looking into and applying too and hoping will work out better than this TA one I’m doing now.

I looked at classes to see what was available…if I could find what I want/need to start in October for Block classes, but so far I haven’t found much so I’m still planning to go talk to an advisor at college about what they know and suggest in reference to this block classes idea, but it looks like I may end up having to wait until January to get my classes started and all settled again, I guess we’ll see.

So, yeah I’m hanging in there and things are going a little better with figuring out things with the job, apartment, school, boyfriend  and family etc. things that I’ve had going on lately.

I just recently heard from my 2 1/2 yr old’s parents earlier this week, I think it was and need to write them back to say I got the e-mail and thanks…I usually do that right when I get it but this week’s been a little weird and all with the job and everything.  I still haven’t heard from my 4 yr old’s parents since Mother’s Day, but I’ve still been sending and writing regular updates and pics on me and my life to them at least once a month or so and trying to wait patiently for them to write me back.

I’ve been back in counseling a few times and it’s helped me make sure I’m doing, working and thinking through most of these things in a clear headed way, which I need to do.  I/we still have to go into counseling together and work on our communication skills, but we haven’t quite yet because of schedule conflicts and so forth so we’re still working on that one.

So, that’s a little update of what’s been going on in the past month or so now.  I hope everyone else is doing well and having a good one this weekend :).