Check In Time

Just to let you know I’m still alive and around, I thought I’d better write something here.  I’ve been meaning to blog for a while now and had lots of things to say here, but haven’t quite known how to write them or it’s been late and I’ve been tired so I haven’t written.

Well and being on this rollercoaster lately with life and all, I haven’t always wanted to write down what I’ve thought because it hasn’t always been pretty or positive lately.  Let’s just say I have a lot to say, but if I do say it, it will most likely end up in a private password protected post for personal reasons, of course and I only let very few see those personal password protected posts most of the time.

If you ever want to ask me for a password, then feel free to, but I may not give it to you if I don’t know you that well or don’t feel comfortable with having a lot of people read it.  Just to let you know…well and out of respect to some people in my life I make some posts private and don’t broadcast things also, of course.

Anyway, enough of that, I’m feeling tired and just wish I could have a break from things with life and all sometimes, if ya know what I mean.  My birthday last week was a good one and I really don’t feel any different at 30 then I did at 29.  I went with my family and my boy out to play pretty much all day/all night on my birthday last week.  We went to the aquarium, out to eat at this fun restaurant and then to see the new Fantastic Four movie, which I really liked.  I enjoyed and had fun doing all those things on my birthday last week.

Also after eating my fruit pizza, which was like my birthday cake, and opening a few gifts…nothing big…my boy and I went off by ourselves to play miniature golf and hang out the rest of birthday day/night and then I got my gift from him.  I got a laundry basket from my parents…which I needed since my other one was falling apart and a new pair of summer jammies – green tinkerbell ones, which are fun.  I got a gift certificate to a day spa and some of my fave chocolate candy from my boy and then I’ve gotten a birthday present from my 2 1/2  yr old’s family so far, which was just a nice little dolphin statue, which I love, of course, since it was from them and I do love dolphins.  If I could, I’d love to swim with dolphins or train them or have them as friends/pets…it’s just that I don’t swim that well and I have a little bit of a fear with swimming in oceans and stuff.

Let’s see what else is there to check in with here, yesterday I went with the boy and my family up to my place and we spent pretty much all day yesterday up there moving everything out and cleaning my place out.  We got it all pretty much done and all my stuff pretty much moved out except a few things so I have to go back up there one more time to make sure everything’s out of the place, do one last check with the cleaning, leave my keys and forwarding address and make sure to turn off the utilities etc. and then I’m done.  So, yeah, part of the reason I’m so tired is because of spending all day yesterday moving stuff out of the place and doing all the cleaning and because my sleep schedule’s been a little off and I haven’t had as much sleep the past few days as I usually do.  Also I’m tired because of dealing with the rollercoaster of things emotionally and otherwise…it really can drain you sometimes, ya know…everything with life and all.

I just wish I could have a vacation from it all sometimes.  Oh and I had to take my car in the other day, which I need to try to go pick it up from the shop now that it’s done either today or tomorrow.   I had to take my car in because it needed a lube and oil, but also because I was having problems with the A/C, which I’ve had problems with this car and the A/C before since it is an older car – a 95 Honda Civic…it’s still a really good little car, but it’s getting older and sometimes I wonder how much longer it’s going to last before I’ll need to get a new(er) one.  Anyway, they found a leaky hose with the A/C so they had to order the part and it took a little longer to get fixed than we thought and they found that the last time my car had a lube and oil – whoever did that lube and oil took my air filter out of my car and didn’t put it back because there was no air filter in my car – nice, huh.  Gotta love car issues and some of the dumb lube and oil people.

And of course, on the job front, I’m still searching and applying and interviewing, but not always feeling like anything’s happening – there’s good and bad days with progress and all toward finding the right job for me lately.  I’m hanging in there and trying to keep pushing myself and all when sometimes I just want to give up, but I know the job that’s best for me is out there still and I feel that I will find it and this job searching will come to an end within the next little while or so here.  I don’t know…I just have a feeling that it will all work out in the end soon here so I’m doing my best to keep looking, working on it and hanging in there until I get my reprieve from the job search.

Also, I’m wanting to go hang out with a couple friends in Chicago if I can in July and I’m suppose to go to Lake Powell for a week sometime in July with the boy and his family if I can.  I’m not sure when the dates for both these trips will be, but I have an idea of possible dates for Chicago and if what the boy said yesterday is correct then there’s a possibility that the dates for these trips might be at the same time.  I really would like to do both, if I can, so I’m hoping the dates of the two possible trips here don’t conflict, but of course, I may end up finding a job and not going on either trip so we’ll see.

I’m still with the boy talking marriage in December, but it’s been a real rollercoaster with our relationship and all lately ever since the California sales job thing.  He and I have good days and bad days and sometimes I wish it was easier having a relationship, but ya know how it goes.  Anyway, I have a lot going on here, but some of it’s too personal to write here.

I hope all’s well with all of you and that you’re all hangin in there too with life and everything.

Another Trigger…

This really just kind of hit me from out of the blue, but than these kinds of things usually do. I was over at the boy’s house and we were flipping channels to see if there was anything on television movie wise or what not that we wanted to watch and I was saying we should watch the movie, Van Helsing because it has Hugh Jackman in it, but he said no to that one.

Anyway so we’re looking at the TV guide on the screen and I see the movie, Raising Helen, listed and say to the boy Hey that movie’s a good one if you want to check it out so he does and we end up watching it. Now this movie is a comedy/romantic comedy type movie and the last time I remember watching it, which was quite some time ago I really liked it, but this time there were some things said that hit me hard and in a different way.

If you can’t guess, these things that hit me hard from this movie had to do with adoption triggers. See, this movie is about this career woman and her sister dies and leaves her 3 children in her care and anyway the sister who dies writes and leaves a letter for each of her sisters explaining her choices and what she wants to have happen in regards to her children. She writes a letter to her sister that she picks to be the guardian about why she wants her to be the guardian and then one to the other sister about why she picked the other sister and not her to be the guardian. If you don’t get what I’m trying to say here, then watch the movie unless you don’t want to risk experiencing triggers…which could be possible.

Okay so getting to the point here, there is this part in this movie, Raising Helen, where the one sister, Jenny, lets the sister who was chosen as the guardian, Helen, read the letter that the dead sister wrote to Jenny explaining why she picked Helen to be the guardian and raise her children if she died and what the letter said is what hit me hard.

In the letter in this movie, it said, “You never think you’ll have to choose another person to raise your children and when you do have to make a choice in case, you choose a person to raise your children that is most like you. You choose someone who will be able to give your children a taste…a part of who their mother is so that even though your children miss out on having their mother raise them they get to have someone most like their mother to raise them and help them to remember their mother too.” Now I’m not sure if that was the exact wording, but that was the basic idea of the letter that was mentioned in this movie and how the heck am I suppose to sit there and not have that hit me like a ton of bricks??

I mean there was so much in that part of the letter I mentioned above that is exactly how I feel and how it was for me. I never thought I’d have to choose or have another person raise my children, but I do…I have two other mothers raising my girls and not me and I did my best with the information that I had to pick two other women who were most like me so that both my girls would be able to have a taste or a part of me in the mothers that are raising them. I did my best to choose two other women who were most like me to raise my girls and who would help my girls to know me too and both of my girls moms are a lot like me and do help my girls to know me or to have that opportunity to know and remember me as they so choose as they get older.

I don’t know I just have so many thoughts and things going in my head after watching that movie and having that hit me like a ton of bricks. It’s hard to describe how and what hit me exactly or if any of this is even making sense here, but it’s like I just realized another aspect of the loss involved in adoption here. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel I did the best thing in my situations and don’t regret my decision to have placed but all the loss involved…secondary and otherwise just hits me sometimes when things are said in movies like this, for example.

I just realized on another level the loss my girls may go through…secondary or otherwise because they did lose and miss out on having me as their mom…setting aside the right and wrong etc. of everything here…that is the reality for them and for me…I miss out on raising them and watching them grow up and being their mom, but not only that…they miss out on some level or what not on not having me as their mom. I don’t know…I just never had the thought strike me this way before…guess it’s the timing and the movie, but there you have it.

I don’t regret my decisions to have placed either one of my girls and I know I did what was best and right in both my situations, but I do regret having been put in that situation where I had to make the choice and I do regret having been involved with those guys…I don’t regret my decisions or my girls, but I do regret the situation and the guys, if that makes any sense. I wish sometimes that I could have been in a better situation with better guys where I could have been better prepared so I could have perhaps parented my girls, but I know it wasn’t meant to be in my situations as they happened.

I am at peace with my decisions and everything, but I still have those moments sometimes, ya know and things that hit me hard like what was said in this movie tonight.

Just Thinking…Again

Yep, here I am, thinking…my deep thinking, which usually happens late at night when I should be sleeping ha ha.

I was going to go to bed and write in here tomorrow, but I decided I should write it down now while it was fresh in my mind, in case I forgot it by the time I sat down to write in here tomorrow, which I’ll still probably do, knowing myself.

Anyway, I was thinking about Cory and how everything’s happened between us and it really is an interesting story if you know it from what I’ve mentioned here in the past.  So, I was just thinking about how I always said that whoever the guy was that I’d end up with would have to be patient, understanding, loving and so forth because of all that comes with me that he’d have to deal with, ya know and Cory said something just in random conversation about a week ago that just hit me differently when I was thinking about it just now and I realized he is that kind of guy.

It was about a week ago on Friday night, when I was down visiting my parents and working on figuring things out down there…Cory and I were hanging out with his friend Jeff and Jeff’s brother, Wes and I was in a weird, hyper mood.  Of course, it was normal for me to be in a weird, hyper mood on a Friday night when I’m having fun with my boyfriend and some other people I knew too, ya know.

Well, I was a little crazy that night and joking around with them being all weird and we were just talking about things when Cory said this that struck me.  He said, in reference to us joking about if Jeff were to try to date me kind of thing…he said to Jeff, well let me tell you, if you really think you would want to try to get to know her and date her, if I weren’t dating her – it was a weird and silly conversation – you’d have fun, hanging out with her, getting to know her and all, but you’d have to put up with some crap and you’d have to take some jabs she’d throw at you, but if you really wanted to get to know her and saw underneath how she really was then after you waited it out for a while, she’d stop throwing jabs at you and be this wonderful, amazing, beautiful girl that she is because she’d finally realize you weren’t out to get her or hurt her like other guys and that you really loved her and were in it for her because you really did love and care about her.   Well, I may not be exact, but I think that was pretty much the way he said it.

Then, of course, after he said that, Jeff and his brother, Wes, looked at him kind of weird for a second, then looked at me and went okay then.  It just hit me when I was remembering and thinking about this just now that he has waited me out and put up with my jabs until I’ve finally started to realize and know that he’s here for me and really loves me and doesn’t want to hurt me.  He’s waited for my walls to weaken and start to come down and to let things happen when they happened instead of trying to push or rush them like other guys tried to do in my past.

He’s had to be patient with me a lot and still does have to be patient with me as I do with him…but I don’t know how to explain it…it just dawned on me in a different way of how much he must really love me for him to put up with me and to have waited all that time to get to the real me underneath all my walls I’ve put up to protect myself.

I mean does any of this make any sense…I could just be rambling because it’s late and I need to get to bed.  It struck a cord with me that brought another level of realization to me about him and his love for me and everything, ya know.

Okay, I better get some sleep before I have to get up for church tomorrow and then I’ll see if I come up with anything else to say in here that helps make more sense out of this, if this doesn’t make any sense, that is :p.