Forgiving Myself…

Alright so I’ve been reading the book, “The Peacegiver” like I mentioned before that I was going to be reading to help myself with some healing etc. and it’s already starting to help some healing, I think.

Before I start this though, I have to say all of what I’m writing here is very personal and I hesitated about making this a public post because I know not everyone is believes the same as me. I also hesitated because some of it is so personal so just so you know it is a personal post with my religious beliefs in it about forgiveness and the atonement that came out written the way it did. I decided to post this even though I was hesitant because maybe it will help someone else to read some of my thoughts here too.

So, the other day I was reading in the book and I read this part that said, “When we withhold forgiveness from others, we are in effect saying that the atonement alone was insufficient to pay for this sin” and what hit me is that it doesn’t just mean when we withhold forgiveness from others, it also means when we withhold forgiveness from ourselves, which I do very well as I’m sure others do very well too. Also what hit me was that my withholding forgiveness from myself is in effect my saying that the atonement isn’t good enough for me and it wasn’t good enough to pay for my sins and my mistakes and I crumbled under the realization of that while reading.

Then I read another part that said, “The atonement applies as much to one person as to another. The Lord has claimed and taken upon him all our sins and we need to let it go” – such a simple statement – “Let it go”, but it seems so hard to do just that when I need to do it the most. Then I read further and it said this, “You don’t need to let it go. It will go by itself if you come to the Lord. He’s already let it go for you. That’s part of his atonement. You just need to allow him to take it from you” and that’s where some of my battle comes in. All I have to do is let him take it from me, but for some reason I have myself in a tug of war not wanting to let it go and wanting to punish myself, for what? I don’t know, but it’s like I don’t think I’ve done enough time for my mistakes somehow and all I have to do is let him take it…all I have to do is give it to him and not take it back.

Or like Cory said to me once when we were discussing forgiveness, the past sin or mistake is like a grave we visit to learn from the mistake and remind ourselves sometimes, but it’s not meant to be dug up again and I’ve dug some of the past up again and still battle with that at times. Also it’s like one of my counselors said to me once when he said that I needed to use my past to learn from my mistakes and not use it to kick myself while I’m down. I have to let it go and give it to the Lord although something like what I have to give to Him isn’t a all at once here you go I’m done thing – it’s more of a process – at least for me it has been so far.

Reading further on, it read, “our failure to forgive is in essence a withholding from the Lord” and when I read that I broke down because I don’t want to withhold anything from the Lord, but I’ve been doing just that with my failure to fully forgive myself of my past. If I let it go and give it to Him, I’ll have peace – that’s what promised to me so why do I or have I been hanging on to the turmoil as my companion for so long.

I know I’m not the judge, but thinking about it, haven’t I suffered enough for my past by now that I shouldn’t feel the need to punish myself anymore for my past. I know I will still feel pain and grief and suffering to an extent throughout the rest of my life with some of the things from my past, but it will be so much easier when I let the Lord take it from me.

I don’t know how to explain it, but my reading and realizing or re-realizing some of these things from reading this book again and other things in life all coming together are bringing about some much needed healing for myself. I can feel it coming – something or someone that is tapping on my walls and they’re quivering like they’re about to finally crumble after all these years…I feel like a break through is coming on.

It’s just lately as things have been changing and I’ve begun to finally start to really feel it sink it even more than before that I am a good person and that Cory and others really are on my side and things have finally begun to show up and head toward the happily ever after I always thought I’d have, but then thought was lost forever for such a long time that I’ve started to feel like I don’t know that I need to be this hard person with all these fortified walls in the same way anymore.

I’m not sure how to put it into words because it’s still in the making inside of me, but it’s like I’m getting tired of fighting and keeping my walls up and as much as a part of me is still a little scared of the thought, I’m starting to want to let people in to me and my private, safe place again because I’m starting to finally see and know that they can be trusted with me, my heart and soul in my private, safe place. It’s taken me years to get here and I never thought I would, but yet here I am on the verge and feeling this break through coming on after all these years.

Speaking of all of this, thinking about my previous post…I did think after I wrote it that I also thought of my time I spent with my Dad making wonderful memories when I was a little girl and how much they meant to me and how I was happy to know that both my girls get to have those kind of memories with their Dads when they wouldn’t have had any of those had I parented them because their Bio dads wouldn’t have been in their lives. I also did have another thought of Cory with our little kid skating and dancing one day.

So, there are more positives showing up for me and things are finally coming to a point of a break through and more healing that needs to happen for me.

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Some Things I’ll Miss

I’ve had some posts in my mind for a while, but haven’t known how to write them or form them on the page the way I wanted them too, but they aren’t leaving me in peace so they seem to need to be written down however they come out. Or maybe it’s me that needs to write them down and get them out of me so they won’t keep sitting in my mind like they’ve been doing as of late.

It’s just okay so I went to see the movie, “Pursuit of Happyness” with Will Smith and it’s a way good, awesome movie, which I highly recommend to everyone to see! It reminded me of how lucky I am and have been in life in a lot of things that others probably haven’t been so lucky in.

Anyway, Cory and I went to see the movie this past week and there was a part in the movie that got to me. It’s where the Mother leaves and so it’s the Dad with his son and the son says to his Dad one night, “Dad, did Mom leave because of me?” (I felt a pain in my heart at that question because no child should ever have to feel, think or ask that no matter what the circumstances are in life and because I felt for that mother and at the same time couldn’t see how she could walk away). So, a thought came to me that what if A or K ever feel like or think to themselves “Did I do something wrong that she placed me for adoption something to the effect of Did Mom(me) leave because of me?” I’ve heard other adoptees say that sometimes so sometimes I worry about that in the back of my mind.

For the most part, I’ve never really had that thought, but for some reason it got me with the part in that movie this past week and I think that for the most part with the way my relationships are with each of my girls families and all and the way I know they’re teaching and raising both my girls, that they’ll probably be fine and never have that thought, but that thought passed through my mind nonetheless when I watched that movie this past week.

Then last night, Cory and I decided we wanted to do something different than our usual hanging out etc. so we decided after we went out for Chinese to go to a fun park/arcade place. At the fun park, we had a blast and it was really fun and great for a change of pace for us and we went roller skating and played arcade games for a long time last night and just had fun together so it was good.

When we were roller skating though, I had one of those moments where something strikes you and can remind you about what you’re missing with the children you’ve placed for adoption. I was skating along and doing pretty good, which was amazing considering how long it had been since either one of us had gone roller skating lol. Although we both did fall down a couple times, I thought we did pretty good overall – (of course, today – the day after the fact – my body hurts some lol).

Anyway, back to the point here, so I was skating along and I noticed this Dad with his little girl skating and dancing with her just having a great old time and at first I thought look how cute and adorable that little girl is and look how cute that is this adorable little girl skating and dancing with her Dad. Then it hit me differently and I thought A and K, my two girls, are doing that and I don’t get to see it – they’re doing it with their parents, but not with me and I ached to be able to dance and skate with A and K or see A and K dance and skate while watching this Dad and his little girl skate and dance together. I still hope that maybe one day I will be able to see A and K dance and skate or dance and skate with them because hopefully things could still be more open and because maybe when they’re older and want to meet and have more of a relationship with me themselves I’ll be able to do some of those things with them.

I don’t know why it hit me that way last night while I was skating or why it hit me that way while I was watching that movie, but I guess it’s all a part of the process and I still know that I did what was best in my situations with placing them – it just hurts sometimes and catches me off guard sometimes as well. I always do pray each night though that I hope that one day when A and K are older they will be able to understand why I did what I did for them with placing them and forgive me if that needs to happen and find a place in their heart for me too.

Seven Years

I was sitting in church Sunday morning and another person was talking who mentioned thinking how long since they had come home from serving their LDS mission so I started thinking about it.

I was blown away when I realized to myself that I have been home 7 years…it’s been 7 years already since I came home from serving an LDS mission to Uruguay. That’s kind of hard to believe…I was just like WOW…7 years already.

Then I kept reflecting on it and thought of what the past 7 years have been like and what’s happened for me in my life and how I’ve changed in the past 7 years and just Wow. I didn’t think so much could happen in 7 years like it did for me and life keeps on happening for me too.

It’s just here’s the rundown of the past 7 years:

I returned home from serving an LDS mission to Uruguay in March 2000 (Si, hablo espanol).

I met my ex-husband on an lds chat site and then I got married in August 2000. The marriage went downhill fast as in it started going to crap on the honeymoon already, we tried to work it out, do counseling etc., he was abusive, it didn’t work end of story.

I got a divorce which was final June 1, 2001 – I remember this because I celebrated it as did my family and friends lol.

I was working at Wal*Mart, I believe it was, I met J, who I worked with and we started going out, he turned out to be an okay guy at first, but I ended up getting pregnant and he became what was defined as the deadbeat kind who denied it and walked away kind of thing.

So, I was pregnant and broke up with J in about July or August 2002 and then had A, my first girl on 3-14-03 and placed her for adoption with a couple who she was and is their first child. They still have no other children at present, she’s the only child and they spoil her rotten as do I and I’m working to try to open the adoption up more with them and slowly making progress as you know if you’ve been following that part of my story.

I went into the black hole of depression after I placed A, then I started dating and going out into the social world again too soon after I had placed her. I say that now because looking back I can see that it was too soon. Anyway I ended up dating another guy, J.J., who turned out to be a not very good guy with abusive tendencies, manipulative, controlling etc. and I found myself in the cycle of violence or similar with him and wanted to break up with him. Of course, with him, I was lost, confused and vulnerable so I had been intimate with him and I remember I was waiting for my period one month and hoping I wasn’t going to be pregnant so it would be easier to break up with him without any issues and then I was pregnant and my world crashed down around me all over again.

I was going to marry J.J. for a brief period of insanity and then I came to my senses and realized it would never work so I broke up with him. He knew about the baby and wanted to know what I was going to do and I was still trying to figure things out so I told him to give me space, but he didn’t know how to leave me alone then he started threatening me, stalking me etc. etc. so he turned out to be what they called the psycho kind and I had to do my best to go into hiding from him and his family to protect my unborn child and myself back then. I had to go into the hospital under a pseudo name and all that jazz. I remember my stress level was really fun back then – ha, ha – NOT.

So, all that was what happened in Fall of 2003 and beginning of 2004 and when I broke up with him was April or May 2004 and then I had K on 11-21-04 and placed her for adoption with another family because the first family for personal and other reasons couldn’t adopt K at that time. I ended up placing K with another family, who has also become like my best friends and I love them to death just as I do the family I placed A with too, that had another daughter who was 7 or 8 who they’d adopted that was excited to be getting a sister.

Then after placing K in November 2004, I continued counseling and out of the past 7 years, I was in counseling for around 4 of those 7 years. I discovered my core issues, such as co-dependency, which I’m a recovering co-dependent now, having low self-esteem, self-confidence and insecurities and how to deal and cope with them and of course, dealing and coping with all the things I’ve been through, the grief and healing and so forth. In the past 7 years, through all the counseling, I discovered the toxic nature of my mom and her issues and influence on me also. I could on and on with the counseling and what was discovered and so forth in all that time out of the past 7 years.

In January 2005, I went back to school and had one of my best semesters yet. Then I kept at school and finally achieved my Associates degree in April of 2006. Also I kept attending counseling for a while during that time and then stopped counseling during that time also because I had made all the progress I could with my two counselors and learned all I could and was ready to ‘graduate’ from counseling during that time as well.

After achieving my Associates, I decided to transfer to the University where I currently was attending, but just barely decided to withdraw from for a variety of reasons, personal and otherwise. I met Cory (or I should say re-met) within the first week I was up here living on my own and getting ready to attend Fall semester at this University and we started hanging out and becoming good friends.

Before I knew it, Cory and I were dating and then boyfriend and girlfriend, had held hands, hugged and kissed for the first time by about the middle of October 2006. Then in November 2006, we met each others families and for the first time, Cory mentioned the word ‘engaged’ around my family and then we had a great Christmas together in December 2006. Also, in December 2006, my relationship with my now 4 yr old and her family opened up some more when we exchanged some identifying information and changed some of how we mail things to each other and so forth.

After Christmas time 2006, in January or February 2007 sometime, Cory and I were sitting around and for the first time he tosses off “so, you wanna get married?” and then we got kind of engaged – informally engaged, whatever you want to say. Then we talked and decided on a general target date for the wedding of December 2007 and then recently he started going back and forth with saying alright I guess we are engaged except we don’t have a ring and so on. So, it depends on who you ask or how you look at it as to whether we’re engaged or kind of engaged.

Anyway, it’s amazing to look at the past 7 years and see where I was when I came home from serving an LDS mission, to where I was during the abusive marriage, to where I was after the divorce, to where I was with the two guys and having and placing my two girls, now 4 yrs old and almost 2 1/2 yrs old, to where I was through all the counseling, to where I was with school, to where I am now with school, the relationships with my two girls and their families, to where I am now with having Cory in my life and planning and talking about getting married by December of this year. It’s just amazing to me how everything has gone in my life in just these past 7 years from some of my lowest lows ever to now some of my highest highs ever with more of my highest highs yet to come later on this year.

It really does blow me away to reflect and look at everything that’s happened with me and my life in the past 7 years. Who knew anyone could have such a busy, eventful, both extremely good and extremely bad time in 7 years.

Wow, I’m glad I’m done with the past 7 years though and can look forward to other things now because some of those past 7 years were the hardest for me as well as the best in some ways, but I don’t know if I’d want to go back to live through some of those past 7 years, ya know.

Anyway, fun times taking trips down memory lane :). Oh and can’t forget that out of the past 7 years has come some great learning experiences etc. from working as a volunteer with different things and that out of the past 7 years have come some really great, close and dear friends that I wouldn’t have ever met had I not gone through some of what I did.

So, out of the really hard times and all, I have still gained a great deal in many different aspects and for that I’m very grateful.

“Dear Anne”

Lol so from when I did my fun little posts about “How to make out with a girl” etc., I had people asking me questions at one time about advice with their kissing or what not and there was another recent question on my blog that reminded me of some of that in the past and how I joked around with some of my friends and family at one point about starting an advice column on my blog.

I think it’s kind of funny, but I’m curious, just for kicks, what do you all think…would I be a good advice columnist…if I could be serious, that is ha ha.

Anyway, I’m just thinking and being weird late at night here, but if you want to share your thoughts feel free, but if you’re not nice, than I won’t post your comment :p.

Anyone have any questions or anything they’d like me to write about in particular anyway…I always have lots of things to write about or that I could write about, but if anyone reading has something they’d like to ask or suggest to me to write about then go ahead, but keep it clean, alrighty :).

Input Needed

You may or may not know that I have been working on and off on writing a book about Grief that deals more specifically with birth parent grief/adoption grief because I think it could be a good thing to do to help others in writing this book.

So, I have a questionnaire for you to answer, if you’d like and if you haven’t answered it in the past already.

I’ve been working on and off on putting together thoughts, experiences and advice of others as well as my own in a book about grief with adoption and leaning more toward birth parent grief since I am a birth/first mother and have a little more life experience in that area.

Anyway, I am welcome to any and all input in response to the questions, I will post below for you to answer. If you are okay with me using what you say in the book then please let me know it’s okay. If you don’t want your real name used then tell me and I will put a different name to protect your confidentiality and privacy.

Also, please write/type up your responses and e-mail them to me at Creusa28@yahoo.com.

Questionnaire

1) Where are you at post placement? As in how far out, 1 month, 2 months, 20 years, etc.

2) Describe your grief, as it is now and as it was in the beginning, in general?

3) Was/Is your adoption open, closed or semi-open? How do you think that influenced your grief?

4) How have you dealt with your grief so far? What have been the most effective ways you have found to deal with your grief thus bringing you healing?

5) What are some myths that you may have had or still have to dispel or deal with before you could really grieve? Or perhaps myths that you had/have a hard time with?

6) What questions do or did you have about Grief post placement?

7) What do you wish you’d known about grief that you know now?

8 ) What advice or pointers would you give those who are dealing with grief or going to be dealing with grief post placement?

9) What do you think others (the world) should know about a birth parent’s grief?

I apologize if some of the questions seem long or redundant. I just want to make sure I cover certain areas of this topic in writing this book.

Also if you have any recommendations for something you think would be good to include in the book then please let me know. I am open to new ideas and suggestions as I am still in this process of putting this book together and seeing how it evolves and what the best, most effective approach is to take. I want to help others and give birth parents especially a book on grief that is specifically for them, to help them, give them ideas and/or comfort so that they can know it is normal and alright to feel and go through the things they do with grief post placement.

I am also putting this together and writing this book in hopes of it being another good resource for knowledge for just general people in the world. I think everyone should know and be able to read in a book about what we, as birth parents, experience in grief with adoption post placement. I think there needs to be more recognition in connection to the birth parent grief as well as other things so I am hoping to be another voice for birth parents when putting together this book on grief.

Any and all input from all of you would be very helpful for me with this book idea and I would greatly appreciate it.

Thank you for your time and input in advance.

Anne

Some News

Well, it’s nothing huge, but my boyfriend and I have pretty much decided that we’re going to leave the University we’ve been attending and transfer back to the other college we were at before, which is a state college that will be most likely changing to a University within the next year or so.

Actually, I already withdrew just before the spring break from the University for a variety of reasons.  That decision was coming for a while now…I wasn’t liking the University much at all here and then I had that experience with that stupid teacher and all.  Then there’s the fact that this University wants us to take more stupid general ed type classes when we already did general ed and had our Associates degrees when we transferred here, but for whatever reason the stupid University was trying to make it so we’d end up adding a year to our school time to get our Bachelors degrees and neither of us like that fact very much plus some other things.

We both like the location, the small town and the people and our church and all up here, but the University, the class size, the teachers, etc., neither of us really are impressed with and liked those things better at our previous college so we’ve pretty much decided to transfer back there this coming fall.  I’ve already been readmitted to the previous college and he’s going to be readmitted and then we’re going to start looking at and signing up for fall classes as soon as we can.  With going back down to our home area and this previous college, we’ll be able to get done sooner with our degrees if we want and have better experience with the classes and teachers and all at that college compared to this University.  Also there is more jobs available down there, I think, then there is up here in this small town with this University so that’s what we’re planning to do for the fall now.

I’ll be looking to try and find a place for us to live that I’ll live in by myself for fall semester so then he can just move in with me after we’re married in December.  I’m also going to be looking for a job/summer job up here now that I’m no longer in school at present, but still trying to stick it out in this apartment until my lease is up in August.  I was planning to look for and get a job/summer job anyway, but I’m just going for it sooner now and not going to be wanting a job for longer than August since I’ll be moving back down home to find a place and go back to the other college for fall semester.

There is always the chance that something might change, but this is what our plans are looking like now and if I don’t find a good job/summer job up here that ends in August then I may have to see about breaking my lease and moving back down to home area sooner to find a job down there instead for the summer.  I’ll have to see how it goes in the next little while here.

I have to pay back some financial aid this week and take care of a few things with selling books back etc. now that the process is finished of my being withdrawn from the University.  Then I have to start looking for a job more, start figuring things out for fall here and there and I’m still in the process of trying to sell my wedding dress on e-bay and figure out ideas and things for the wedding in December.  I know I still have time to take care of some of these things, but these are just things that are coming up, being talked about and we’re starting to discuss and plan more lately.

We have also pretty much decided that we’re planning to get married in the LDS Manti Temple, which you may or may not remember my posting as one of the three choices we were talking about at one point.  We’re also sticking to sometime in December for the Wedding and still figuring out other things and still have plenty of time to plan all that.

He’s still going off to do his summer job in California selling alarm systems to people for about 3 1/2 months and he’ll be leaving the first of May so we’ll be apart working for this summer.  I’m planning to go visit him in California for, hopefully, a week, probably in July sometime to go see him, see Harry Potter 5 with him, see some of Cali and have a break =).  So, things are starting to change and get planned and talked about as time goes on here so things are moving along =).

So Much To Say…

Man, there’s always so much to say and no time to say it in, it seems.

This past week was my Spring break and what a week ha ha. I’m glad it’s over…not the Spring break part, but everything else that happened wasn’t that great, well most of what else happened anyway.

Let’s see…where to start…first off my boyfriend had a cold when we headed down home for the break and then I caught the cold and then we were both sick with colds for a while. Then we hung out together, with some of his friends and with my family and had fun for the first few days we were down home for break.

After a few days, I headed out with family for a little trip to Southern Utah for a few days and that was alright for the first day or two, but then it sucked cause I was getting better from my cold and caught the really nasty flu mentioned in the previous post. So, on Tuesday, my family and I headed off on the trip and stopped to drop the birthday package off for my oldest bdaughter, who turned 4 on Wednesday, Mar. 14, and then we did a few things on Tuesday. Then on Wednesday, we went out and hiked around a little, then went to the library and some museums etc. doing some family history searching kind of stuff. After that, we went to a Dinosaur track museum down in St. George and checked out some other things.

Also on Wednesday, which was my oldest bdaughter’s birthday, we had a few cupcakes and sang “Happy Birthday” and took some pictures etc. in honor of her birthday. Then we went out to dinner at a steak house and went driving around looking at the town at night for a little bit then went back to our hotel. We settled in and watched some movie on cable, which turned out to be really weird and kind of wacky and then headed to bed.

Well, Wednesday night, not long after I’d finally gone to bed and fallen asleep, I had some weird dreams about fighting with other people as to whether or not I was going to be sick, then I woke up and had to run to the bathroom because I was sick. So, then for a while Wednesday night, I was sick in the bathroom and then I thought I was done being sick so I went back to bed and thought/hoped I’d be fine in the morning.

Thursday morning, I got up, feeling kind of icky still so I didn’t eat much breakfast and tried to eat a little of things that would settle on an upset stomach. We got packed up to leave and head back that morning as was the plan and then we drove off planning to check out some more things before we headed home. We went to check out some of the hiking areas we’d been at before and then I started feeling worse so we went and got 7-up and crackers from the store and a little bucket.

After a while, driving in the car, I had to switch from the backseat to the front and then I started doing better so we headed off to Zions to check out some places there. We went to Zions and I kept feeling better so we went around and did some little walks, took pictures and I just sat in the car for a while there too. Then when we were in the middle of one of the walks, I started feeling like I was going to be sick so we turned around and went back to the car. When we got back to the car, we were going to head up to go through a tunnel and look at a view, but I wasn’t doing good so we changed and headed straight home then.

On the way home, I started getting more sick and we kept having to stop at rest stops and it was the worst drive home of my life. Then finally we got home, I got settled on the couch and was able to get a little bit of liquid and food in me and then get to bed to sleep. On Friday, I woke up still feeling weird, but a little better so I worked on trying to get better and keep liquid and food done on Friday again, then I overdid it and had a relapse then had to go through a bunch of stuff again before I could start feeling/getting better again. Then when I woke up on Saturday, I was really weak and I’d come close to dehydration once or twice by then so my mom was really pushing liquids on me and then I started to finally make some real progress by Saturday afternoon and in the afternoon was when Cory showed up and helped me to finish making progress with getting better from that nasty flu bug.

Saturday night and Sunday were weak and kind of icky days still, but I’ve made a lot more progress and have been able to get a lot of my strength back now. I got to take care of things, pack, load up and head back up to our apartments by school with Cory on Sunday night so I’m doing much better now, but I’m still feeling not quite all back to normal, but mostly I’m back to my same old self now…finally – ack, I hate flus like that :p.

Anyway, that was my Spring break in a nutshell – sounds like tons of fun, doesn’t it – ha ha. I have more to say about my 4 yr old’s recent birthday and other things, but I’ll save that to write and put up with some of the pics I have of myself from that day.

I have other wandering thoughts I’d like to write on, but I think I’ll save them for another time in the next little while to write about here. I had thoughts about wondering about if there was or might have been any connection between my getting so sick and my 4 yr old’s birthday that Wednesday night…like connection between the emotional and physical or something…although it’s never done that before though, but it was a thought that passed through my mind once.

Also I had some thoughts about how love heals because of how much better I did and faster I seemed to start making progress and getting over that nasty flu once Cory was around and helping me. It also lead me to other thoughts of how love can heal wounds of different kinds as well as help heal from sickness and things.

I’ve also had some memories coming back to the surface recently of some things from my past that I’ve thought were kind of strange because I haven’t thought of them for so long and now suddenly, it seems, they’ve surfaced briefly again. It also happens to be around anniversary dates with these things from my past and I think some of them surfacing again has to do with how my life is now going in a new, different direction and how I’m going to be getting married this year and all.

It’s been an interesting week in a lot of ways and I’ve also had some interesting dreams to say the least lol.

I’m Alive…Barely…

Just to let you all know, I’m still around I thought I’d post a quick note here.  I was gone for most of this week on a little vacation since this week is/was my Spring break from school.  I went with family to Southern Utah to play around for a few days and on Wednesday night, which also happened to be the night of my oldest bdaughter’s bday (March 14, she’s 4 now) I got sick in the middle of the night.

So, when I got up on Thursday, I thought I would be better, but it just got worse so we did a few things and then headed home and I was throwing up in a little bucket in the car quite a bit all the way home yesterday.  I got to the point last night where I was dry heaving and having a hard time keeping anything, liquid or food, down so after a while I took some medication we had around that I had used to help me keep food down when I’d gotten really sick when I was pregnant back in the day and it helped so I finally started to get some crackers and 7-up down last night and I was able to sleep finally.

Anyway, I’m still really weak and having bouts with dizziness and nausea today, but I’m slowly getting better and stronger again.  I need to go try to eat more than the little I’ve had today though and I’m surprised I’m even able to sit here and type this right now because I’ve been so tired and feeling so wiped out from this flu thing.  So, that’s what’s been up with me…once I get more on the better side…I’ll post more about my oldest bdaughter’s birthday and the fun things we did do on the little trip before I got sick and died :p.  Hope everyone else is doing well.

Aren’t We All Handicapped?

I’ve had this post or thought in my head for a while now, but haven’t gotten around to writing it until now.  I don’t even remember exactly what the conversation was about or how it came up, but I was talking with my boyfriend one day and he said to me, “well no it’s because you have a handicapped boyfriend” and to which I thought well, I suppose that’s true or partially true, but then I thought to myself, but aren’t we all handicapped?

I mean I think about everyone I know or have ever known or met in my life and no one is without some kind of handicap in their life.  It’s just that it’s more noticeable with some what their handicaps are and with others, it isn’t always as noticeable.  My boyfriend has driving restrictions because he has no left peripheral vision out of both eyes and is more or less partially blind due to an accident when he was younger so he has to rely on others to help him get places sometimes, but he can drive by himself fine within his limits or within the restrictions given and it’s more noticeable that he has that because it’s a physical thing, but we all have some kind of handicap.

My niece has cerebral palsy so her handicap is noticeable and others have physical handicaps like these that are easily noticed, but then there are the others of us like myself that have handicaps that are only noticed by those close to us or who know us really well.  I have handicaps, but mine aren’t physical or that noticeable, my handicaps are more of an emotional, somewhat mental and psychological nature than physical or otherwise because I am handicapped from what I have been through in my life as others are handicapped by trauma or other things also.

I just found this interesting when thinking and pondering on this the other day to realize to myself that I’m handicapped just like anyone else and just like those with physical handicaps, but sometimes I wonder if having handicaps emotionally and otherwise could possibly be more damaging at times.  I don’t mean to disregard other handicaps, it’s just I’ve thought of this before and sometimes wished that I could have suffered something physical rather than the emotional and such that I experience almost all the time it seems.  It’s just that it seems harder to heal from the emotional, mental and psychological aspect of things than it would seem it is to heal from some of the physical things in life.

I often use to say when going through the initial pain, grief and healing after my divorce and then placing both my girls for adoption that I wished I could just deal with having a broken bone instead of what I dealt with and still do sometimes emotionally and otherwise, but really I don’t know that it would be any easier if I had a different handicap to deal with in my life.  I know how to deal with and work through healing, grief and pain from the handicaps I have in my life now, but I don’t know if I’d know how to deal with a different handicap or someone else’s handicap in life.

Thinking of how we’re all handicapped in some way or another makes me wonder and think why we can’t be nicer to each other at times.  We’re all suffering and all dealing with heartache and some form of a handicap or handicaps in our lives and we all can use someone to lean on so why aren’t we more compassionate with one other, I wonder sometimes.  I know I’m guilty of not being as compassionate to others at times too so I’m talking and thinking out loud here and not trying to lecture or anything like that.