Things I’m Thankful for…

Since it’s Thanksgiving in a few days, I thought I’d do a post on what I’m grateful for…although there’s too many to list and some that I don’t know that there’s words or the right words to say what I’m grateful for…I’ll try to write all or mos of things down I can think of that I’m blessed with in my life.

For the Lord and all the many, many countless blessings He has given me and continues to give me each and every day of my life. For His unconditional love and patience and mercy and understanding and forgiveness etc. that he gives me and shows to me each day of my life. For His atonement.

For being able to go to church and for temples and for being able to feel of the Lord’s spirit and His love for me each and every day.

For prayer and being able to communicate with the Lord and be comforted and strengthened by Him.

I’m grateful to be alive and to have good health and strength.

For modern medicine and all the treatments, cures and such that they have for so many things so that we can all be healthy.

For my totally amazing and awesome husband, He’s my perfect match and my best friend and so many awesome things.

For my family – I have good parents and siblings…especially glad I have my amazing Dad.

For my family that I’ve started with my husband now…I love our little baby girl so, so much already and she can be a handful and time consuming etc. at 4 weeks old, but she brings me/us so much joy that my heart is always so full and happy when I look at her and think of how lucky I am to have her and my husband/best friend in my life. I’m so glad I went through all the bad I did to get to the good and these amazing blessings that I have in my life like my husband and our baby girl.

For my other two beautiful and amazing daughters and their families that I placed them with…I love them and their families so much and am so grateful for all their love and support and the awesome friendships/relationships I have with them that are continuing to grow and develop in such positive ways.

For technology and all the awesome, fun things that are out there with gadgets etc. and the others that are being invented and for all the great ways we can use technology for spiritual things, life, fun, games, schooling and so many other things.

For all the fun games and things that we can play and do with all our family and friends.

For all the enrichment and fulfillment that comes from accomplishing goals, setting them, reaching them and being able to change for the better and expand our knowledge from all the multitude of books that there are to read, enjoy and learn from about so many incredible things.

For being able to have so many talents to share and to develop as well as new talents/skills to learn.

For all my strengths and weaknesses that teach me and help me to grow in many, many ways.

For all the trials and tribulations in my life that I’ve had/have/will have and all the things I’ve learned/continue to learn/and will learn from having my faith tried and tested to help me grow and learn to help myself, my family, friends and others.

For my ability to write and write well with practice and help from the Lord when I want/feel the need or desire to write poetry, stories and other things.

For my opportunity to serve a mission for the LDS church and to spread the word of the God to others and for all the countless opportunities I have had and will continue to have for so many incredible and wonderful things to experience and learn and grow from in my life.

For being able to have food, water and shelter and the things that I and our little family are in need of each and every day during this time when it isn’t always easy with finances and our economy.

For all my wonderful family and friends everywhere around the world that have helped me and continue to help me, set such great examples for me and be such incredible and good family and friends to me.

For all the things outside that make our world so beautiful with trees, mountains, grass, lakes, oceans and all the beautiful nature and wildlife/animals around us and pets that we’re able to have in our homes.

For cars to drive and use as transportation. For being able to be in a pretty safe area to live and to be able to have the Lord help watch over us and protect us each day along with being able to lock our doors and do what we can do to keep ourselves safe.

For being able to stay warm with heaters and cool with air conditioners in the winter and the summer.

For the moisture we receive with snow and rain that we need and for the beauty that comes with/whenever it snows and/or rains.

And for so many, many other things…but I’m going to end this for now and if I think of something else I want/need to add to this post during the rest of this week/month…then I’ll come back otherwise hope everyone else has a fantastic week and a delicious Thanksgiving with all their family and/or friends.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Hope it’s all you hope for and that your hearts as well as your stomachs will be full and you will be happy and full of gratitude :).

 

ETA:  I did send a birthday present to my daughter, who turned 7 yrs old yesterday and talked to her mom a few days ago also so I didn’t forget Sweet Pea, her birthday or that she’s already 7 years old now…where does the time keep going…but I was otherwise occupied most of her birthday yesterday taking care of our little miss wiggles who turned 4 weeks old yesterday.  I also decided that if I feel sad or ever feel the need to be sad/upset etc. around Sweet Pea’s (7) birthday or Miss Bookworm’s (8 1/2) birthday…I’ll be sad or what not on the day I placed them not on their birthdays because the day when the sadness/hard feelings came was on the days that I placed my two girls not on the days they were born…but this year I haven’t felt as much sadness about Sweet Pea…I think because of how things are changing with my having and parenting a daughter with my husband now and because of how good my relationship/friendship is and has been with Sweet Pea’s family and all.

I’ve been ‘missing’ from blogland…

but here I am again checking in. I’ve had an interesting year so far with the pregnancy and everything else in life. There’s just too much that’s gone on…it seems like and at the same time…the same old, same old…anyway…I don’t know how often I’ll be blogging or what this blog may or may not be morphing into here…but I’ll try to get back into blogging on a somewhat more regular basis along with getting back to a more regular life routine again in this next year.

I make no promises about my blogging right now though since I just had my baby girl…she’s 2 weeks old tomorrow and I’m still in the early recovery stages and figuring out life/back to a more normal routine with hubby and a baby now.

It’s definitely very different having a baby and raising them instead of placing them…that much is obvious already and it’s a great thing too. I’ve been thinking of blogging for a little bit now but didn’t know what to say so there’s still more I’ll probably say another time or something, but for now this post will have to do for an update here.

I didn’t have the easiest pregnancy with how sick I was on and off and everything and then because Lil Miss Wiggles decided she wasn’t going to fully cooperate so she was breech and I had to have a C-section…it’s an interesting story/experience the way it happened really…but I’ll do that detailed story another time.

She’s adorable and gorgeous and melts your heart…she’s already the one ‘in charge’ of me and her Daddy over here right now…at least for now she is. We’re definitely smitten with her and despite the ups/downs and all of this year etc…we’re a little happy family now…we’ve started into the official family stage now and it’s not always going to be easy and it’s definitely an adjustment for us, but it’s so worth it.

As for the adoption front, I had a good long talk with my 8 yr old’s amom just a couple weeks before Lil Wiggles was born and either at the end of this month of November or in December, Hubby and I are going to schedule to hang out/meet up with my 8 yr old’s mom and hubby that she just married in June since she divorced the adad a while back as you may remember. Also we’re going to schedule to hang out/meet up with my 6 yr old’s parents…my 6 yr. old is turning 7 this month if you can believe that, I know it blows my mind that she’s turning 7 and the other will be turning 9 in March of this next year.

So, things on the adoption front are still going pretty good and improving with the scheduling to meet up with my 6 yr old’s parents so they can see our Lil Miss Wiggles, which we’ve hung out with them as often as possible before, but the big step is for us meeting up for the first time with my 8 yr old’s mom and new hubby…cause it will be the first time I’ve seen my 8 yr. old’s mom in 8 years and the first time I’ve met this new hubby of hers and the first time she’ll meet my hubby too…so we’re excited and nervous…but moving toward some more openness with meeting up with both my girls aparents is what I want to help our relationships and for when my girls start having more one on one interaction with me through e-mail/talking/meeting me or what have you.

So, yes my life’s been a little crazy and up and down recently this past year and my whole life’s been totally up and down and never quite what I planned, but it’s all worked out to this point and it will all work out in the end, otherwise it’s not the end…at least I think that’s how that saying goes.

But I would do my life the exact same even with all the crappy parts and the heartache and the hard times all over again and again because of the happy parts and the awesome parts and the rewards for going through the hard time and because it was all worth it to end up here with my awesome, amazing Hubby and my adorable angel baby girl that’s here with me now all the time always and forever :).

ETA: Forgot to say the stats for Lil Miss Wiggles birth…she was born on Oct. 24, 2011 at 6:45 p.m. She weighed 8 lbs 2 oz and was 20 in long. She’s healthy and doing really well. She just had her 2 wk well baby check up this past Friday and has gained 3 oz. and grown 1/2 inch in about 2 wks and everything checks out with her and so far everything checks out with me for my progress at 2 wks of recovering from the C-section…no infection or anything wrong with the incision and it’s healing nicely…no stitches, I had staples, which they removed in the hospital and then put glue and tape- the steri-strip tape stuff on it and the Dr. took the tape off of it when he checked me out after we finished the 2 wk checkup on baby. Lil Wiggles has her next appt in 6 wks and mine for my 6 wk last check up until I’m pregnant again or need to see the Dr. again is in about a month to make sure I’m done healing and everything’s good to go all the way back to normal again for now. So things are going as they should with my healing/recovering and our adjusting with baby and all and we’re good :).

Happy New Year!!!

Happy New Year everyone!!! 2011 is going to be a good year…I have a good feeling about it.

Hope everyone’s had good times for the Holidays. We had a visit with Sweet Pea’s parents last night, just us two and her mom and dad…we hung out, played some Wii games, talked, Sweet Pea’s mom showed me some home movies and pictures too…I saw the home movie of Sweet Pea (6) finishing the scavenger hunt that Sweet Pea’s mom did to tell Sweet Pea and her sister about their trip to Disneyland…which they’re going end of Jan/beginning of Feb.

It’ll be Sweet Pea’s first time to Disneyland and she’s WAY excited for it lol. I watched the home movie and couldn’t stop smiling and laughing at Sweet Pea running around and bouncing up and down all so freakin excited for Disneyland. It was awesome to see the little home movie of her reaction to finding out about their trip to Disneyland and the way her face lit up and was so full of joy and happiness…it’s seeing and hearing about things like that with Sweet Pea (6) as well as Miss Bookworm (7 1/2) that I absolutely LOVE and continually remind and give me peace of mind about them doing so well, being so loved and everything with their families.

Anyway, Hopefully Hubby will be getting a job soon and it’s a job he’d like doing and not just a job to earn money so we’re keeping our fingers crossed for that plus he’s doing great with his online schooling also.

So, we’re doing good, hanging in there and had a great Christmas and New Years etc. Hoping for things to keep going well and improve so here’s to 2011 being a great year :).

Sweet Pea is 6 years old today.

It’s her birthday again…already…I can’t believe she’s 6 years old now, well technically, she turns 6 at 5:01 p.m., but that’s just a technicality :p. Time just keeps on flying by, it seems.

She’s in Kindergarten now and doing awesome with school and everything. She mentioned me for the first time to her mom, asking about me and seeing me.

She’s so cute and getting to be such a big girl already. And things are still going great and continually staying good/improving with my relationship/friendship with Sweet Pea’s parents/family and everything.

Unfortunately I didn’t get to go to the Boutique jewelry event and see Sweet Pea’s mom like I had hoped to do because of both Hubby and I being sick…yes, still.

Although Hubby and I are starting to feel somewhat better now and hopefully we’ll finish getting better and stay better, but we’ll see how things go with that.

I have decided though, side note here, that this time of year (Thanksgiving time and all etc.) and I don’t get along so well all the time. I think this time of year with the weather/germs or something has it out for me. I mean this year, I was/am sick with cold/sore throat/cough, last year was the flu, quite a few years ago I had strep throat a few times this time of year it seems, if I’m remembering right.

Then there was the year, 6 years ago, on 11-21, that I had Sweet Pea and it was all very bittersweet especially back then. So, you might see why I think this time of year doesn’t seem to like me very much.

Sweet Pea’s birthday is still somewhat bittersweet even now…but much, much less than it was back then and it varies how my emotions are on her birthday as well as every day.

I’m excited to hear if Sweet Pea likes the birthday present I sent this year because I think it’s so cute and I think/hope she’ll love it. It’s the cutest music box ever!

It’s interesting when I think about it now, but I think, in a way, I appreciate and have more joy over Sweet Pea and her Birthdays now as she keeps growing up and becoming her own little person and everything. I don’t think I had as much appreciation, joy or realization of how much joy, love and appreciation I would have for Sweet Pea when she was born and I was going through the bittersweet time.

I don’t know if that made any sense, but what I’m trying to say is that I have more love, joy and appreciation for Sweet Pea and her birthday now than I did because when she was born, I had too many emotions, a lot of them that were very hard and more negative then positive since I was seeing/feeling so much loss and pain and not as much positive, happy at that point in time back then.

Anyway, the point is that my appreciation, love and joy for Sweet Pea, herself, her birth/birthday and her family has grown and continues to grow in leaps and bounds the more time that passes and the more our friendship/relationships continue to grow in the positive, healthy way that they are growing.

I hope that Sweet Pea has the best birthday ever this year and that all her dreams come true today and always. Happy Birthday, Sweet Pea!!! I’ll be thinking of her today, sending her all my love as always with lots of hugs and kisses.

Ramblings

I’m here…have a few different things going through my head that I’m thinking would likely make pretty good posts once I can think coherently enough to write it down the way I want.

I’ve been thinking and working through some more stages, I guess you could say, of healing and dealing with grief/life and being married/hoping to have children relatively soon lately. Also it’s Sweet Pea’s birthday in a week, well technically less than a week on 11-21 and there’s that thrown in there with my emotions and all lately as well.

I’m having all sorts of fun with sickie germs right now and have for the past few days thanks to when I recently saw my parents, this past Tuesday, and my Dad passed his lovely germs/cold etc. onto me. Also Hubby has them now too and since he has asthma…he’s been feeling it some in his chest and such…what fun for him don’t ya think :p.

Anyway, I’m hangin in there and doing pretty good all things considered for now. Thinking about returning to the realm of helping out with doing presentations at local high schools, junior high schools etc…but nervous about it and part of me doesn’t want to go back to doing it again. I did it for a year in the past already and I feel like I probably need to do it again for me and to help educate others and so forth, but I don’t really like putting myself out there like that all the time either so trying to work through my thoughts/feelings on that recently too.

Also, I have a whole bunch of thoughts on the saying, “Adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary situation”, which have been on my mind for quite some time now.

So, lots going on with my thoughts/life and all recently although it doesn’t always seem like there’s that much going on when I look at things until I sit down to write/think about it all and realize there is more going on then when I initially look at things.

This week/weekend should be interesting…possibly a rollercoaster ride because of buying/mailing Sweet Pea’s birthday package etc. and then her birthday. Then because most likely I will be seeing/saying Hi to Sweet Pea’s mom this weekend…not seeing Sweet Pea, but her mom with a boutique get together thing for her jewelry business etc. again so that could be interesting depending on where my thoughts/emotions are and all.

Then I get to go meet people I have not yet met from Hubby’s family while doing Thanksgiving next week with the in-laws so wheee, time to get in the rollercoaster and strap on my seat belt, I suppose :).

Saturday Night Was Awesome!

Just wanted to write a short little post here about my visit/hanging out with Sweet Pea’s (5) parents on Saturday night…just a couple days ago.

It was awesome…Hubby and I had a great time with them. We met up and went out for yogurt and saw the movie, “Inception”…we had a blast. We talked a lot and Sweet Pea’s mom said we needed to set up another time to hang out so she can tell/explain to me about all the pics/videos on the 3 discs she gave me with the school pictures.

Oh and can I just say that Sweet Pea is so freakin adorable and cute…she just keeps getting more and more gorgeous. She also is resembling me a bit more and after I watched all the videos and looked at all the pictures, she reminds me of me a little bit more as well, but she’s also more of her own little person now too.

It’s just pretty cool to see Sweet Pea in movies/pics resembling me/some of my family in looks and personality as well as developing and becoming more of her own little person with her own little personality.

So, yeah awesome pics/videos and hanging out with Sweet Pea’s parents…Good times :D.

Surreal

I just have had a few interesting thoughts in my head since yesterday that I thought I’d write down briefly.

And the one word that was going through my head with all of the thoughts was surreal…see yesterday I went with Hubby to a town’s craft fair/festivities because Sweet Pea’s (5) mom and friend had a booth of their jewelry up for display and Sweet Pea’s mom invited Hubby and me to come and see her and the jewelry so we did.

It was lots of fun and totally awesome going up there and seeing her with her friend and their jewelry booth, hugging her and talking with her and her friend and then with her younger sister who had come to see the booth etc. too. But it was just a couple times when we were standing around talking, helping with cleaning up the jewelry booth etc. and then going over to their family’s cabin to sit and talk for a little while before we headed back home that once in a while I had some interesting different thoughts flitting through my mind.

First was when we were talking, laughing, joking together while we were cleaning and I stopped and looked at the scene before me and thought this is kinda weird/surreal…I’m hanging out and joking with my daughter’s mom/other mom and my daughter’s aunt and we’re all okay with it and like it’s totally normal even though if you look at the details of how we came to be friends and know each other…it isn’t ‘totally normal’ at least not to most people, but it is a kind of normal to me…it was just kind of a weird thought moment for me.

Another weird thought moment was when Sweet Pea’s mom was showing me around their family’s cabin and in the back of my mind I was thinking, this is where my daughter plays and is making memories for herself with her family. So, I was having those kinds of weird random thoughts/moments…a few of them when we were hanging out with Sweet Pea’s mom, Sweet Pea’s aunt and their neighbor/friend. It was another different experience, different, but good and well…just interesting…if ya know what I mean.

Also the other day before we went to the craft fair thing and hung out with Sweet Pea’s mom and the few others…I found myself thinking that I envy the neighbors and close friends of Sweet Pea’s mom, the ones she sees every week because I wish I could be her neighbor and see her more often than I do…I love all the time we get to spend together and talk, but I always want to spend more time and talk more because we get along so well and are so close like we are, but sometimes I wish I had met Sweet Pea’s mom in a different way…if that makes sense.  Just like sometimes I wish I had met Bookworm’s mom in a different way, for much of the same reasons…just some more random, weird, interesting thoughts here :p.

Awesomeness, Validation, Pro Adoption and Reality

I was thinking about things the other day and thought of how blessed/lucky I am to have the relationships I do with both my girls amoms. I know not everyone has great relationships or positive experiences with the aparents of their children among other things which make their whole adoption experience suck, but mine has been a positive thing. Of course, there is still a lot of negative and grief and all sorts of emotions/things to deal with being a mother who has placed two daughters for adoption and everything, but there has also been a lot of positive, which I was remembering the other day.

Some of the awesome things I was remembering the other day that I’ve been grateful for with my relationships with both my girls amoms are:

***Bookworm’s (7) mom has opened up and shared a lot with me lately and continues to do so since first talking with me about the divorce etc. with Mr. X (Bookworm’s adad)…it has been interesting talking as I have been lately with Bookworm’s mom because I feel like a whole new side and a whole lot more of her has been revealed to me because she’s opened up to me. And it’s been a great thing for me to experience, to see this whole other part of her that makes her even more of a real awesome person with all her quirks etc. and that much more of a close friend to me and not just my daughter’s amom.

***This is one of the things I thought of that I still think is really awesome…and that is that the last time I talked with Bookworm’s mom around 3-4 weeks ago…while she opened up talking to me about things even more…she asked me for my advice/insight on her new relationship with her boyfriend and things to consider while she’s considering marriage to said bf after her recent divorce. I was floored in so many ways when she asked for my advice/insight because first I was like WHAT cause she’s thinking about marrying another guy already, but then because I was like wow she’s asking me what I think because I’ve been where she is to an extent…I was married, divorced – abusive guy/porn etc…and then years later found and married Hubby and so she was asking me my advice/insight cause she knew that about me and cause she was treating me as her friend and equal and someone who’s advice/insight mattered. I mean I’m not just Bookworm’s bmom to her, ya know and it was so awesome and meant/still means so much to me that she has shared so much with me and asked for my insight and my advice on that situation. I mean isn’t that awesome?!?

***Another awesome thing about Bookworm’s mom…she told me she’s talked to her new boyfriend and told him about me and how we’re friends, stay in touch and talk etc. all the time. I always tell everyone how I’m close, friends and stay in touch with her and assumed she did the same but never knew so that was awesome and validating to me to hear that from her also.

***Bookworm’s mom encourages Bookworm to talk with me etc…doesn’t ever discourage her in anyway about her adoption, me, where she came from etc…I think it’s amazing the way she handles and does things with Bookworm and myself and the whole adoption side of things, if that makes sense.

***Sweet Pea’s (5) mom is just as awesome as Bookworm’s mom and validates and does amazing things as well. One of those things I was thinking about with all these others the other day was that Sweet Pea’s mom has always acknowledged me as Sweet Pea’s mom…she has told me as I have told her a few times she doesn’t think of me as Sweet Pea’s bmom, and I don’t think of her as Sweet Pea’s amom…we think of each other as friends/best friends similar to Bookworm’s mom and I though a little different and we think of each other both as mothers to Sweet Pea. Sweet Pea’s mom has always validated and been open to talking with me about everything…it’s been awesome. I’m just now getting there with Bookworm’s mom…so it took more time with her, but with Sweet Pea’s mom it clicked from the beginning.

***Another awesome thing about Sweet Pea’s mom, just recently within the past 3-4 weeks as well…we were talking and she asked my opinion on how to handle discussing a very sensitive topic with her other daughter, 12 (or 13?) and what I thought about her and her husband wanting to wait until she’s a little older to lay out the full story for her about the sensitive topic in reference to her bfather…which I’m not saying the whole topic etc. because Sweet Pea’s mom asked me not to tell/talk about it with anyone, she was okay with me talking about it to my Hubby and my Dad, but didn’t want me to talk/spread it around so that’s why I’m being generic etc. here. But this was awesome to me that she asked my opinion in much the same way I thought it was awesome that Bookworm’s mom asked my opinion on what I mentioned above…that Sweet Pea’s mom also treats me as an equal and a friend who’s advice/insight and opinion matters and not as just Sweet Pea’s bmom etc.

***Another thing I love about Sweet Pea’s mom is how she asks me sometimes if x, y, or z are traits, behaviors or mannerisms that she’s seen Sweet Pea do that might come from me or my family. She is okay with talking about and often is the one who says or mentions to me how she sees similarities such as hair/face/eyes or this behavior, mannerism or personality trait that she can tell Sweet Pea got from me. I love hearing about how Sweet Pea has things/looks etc. similar to me and Bookworm as well…and recently Sweet Pea’s mom was telling me how her other daughter (also adopted) looks so much like her bdad and then talking about how Sweet Pea looks quite a bit like me. Then Sweet Pea’s mom told me that was fine with her, that she loved having Sweet Pea look like me :D.

***Sweet Pea’s mom also encourages if Sweet Pea wants to talk/know anything about me, her adoption, where she came from etc…Sweet Pea is just at a different age/stage then Bookworm so we don’t talk online or anything like I do with Bookworm…at least not yet anyway. Sweet Pea’s mom talks with me about everything and is just one of my best/closest friends…the list could go on and on, but I’ll leave it at these few things about both my girls moms and our relationships/friendships.

***Something else I thought of the other day with all these things that are awesome and adoption related etc…my family asks about my girls, how they’re doing, how things are, how their afamilies are and asks to see pictures and my parents send them things along with my packages on holidays, birthdays etc…I think it’s great the way my family is about it and doesn’t treat it like it’s taboo or not okay to talk about etc…although my mom isn’t perfect, but see that’s just my mom in general with everything.  Also Hubby and his family ask about my girls etc. and his parents claim my girls as their grandkids too…Hubby’s mom puts their pictures up on her fridge too…they also encourage my relationships with my girls and their families and Hubby talks and is friends with them also.

***One thing I thought of with all these great things that still sticks out to me and means so much to me…more than my Dad will ever know or anyone will ever completely understand…is that I was talking to my Dad on the phone about things…I think it was when I’d found out about Bookworm’s parents divorcing however many months ago now…and I was trying to express some of my thoughts/emotions about this whole new development and how it made me feel regarding the choice I had made to place Bookworm 7-8 years ago now. And really I was trying to express some of my thoughts/emotions that I’d been trying to express about the whole adoption experience and being a mother who’d placed twice etc., but didn’t have the words…and my Dad filled in the blanks and gave me the words…when I was trying to say it’s not that I am saying I didn’t make the right choice/decision because I still believe/feel I did what was right and best for Bookworm and myself in that situation when I placed her…but it’s that I wish or a part of me wishes it could have been different somehow or ugh…I don’t know how to say what I’m trying to say here…I said that to my Dad on the phone and then said…do you know what I’m trying to say here?…after which my Dad said, yes I think I do, you’re saying there’s some regret there and I was like YES, thank you for saying that…and then we went on to discuss it more…it’s still something discussed on and off, but my Dad saying that and talking with me validated me in so many ways and on so many levels…when he said that it resonated with something deep inside me…that I had been trying to voice and find the right words for some time and I love the way he said it.

It wasn’t “I regret that I placed Bookworm or Sweet Pea for adoption”…it was that there is SOME REGRET there…meaning it’s okay for me to feel some regret because I think for a long time I felt like I couldn’t be okay and know I did what was right/best for both my girls when I placed them and still feel some regret about it, but talking with my Dad etc. about it and then processing through it some more I’ve just recently come to the realization that it’s okay to have some regret and still know/feel that I did what was right/best in placing both my girls. It was so awesome that moment with my Dad and that conversation to start coming to that realization that I did have some regret, but I still know and feel that I did what was right/best for my girls and myself when I placed them, if that makes any sense cause I know it does to me and it felt freeing to me to talk with my Dad and have him give me the words I was searching for to express myself and for him to validate me so awesomely as he did with that.

Because after he said to me well yeah I think you’re saying you have some regret, he said and that is to be expected…how could you not go through what you did and not feel/have to deal with the element of regret as well as the grief and everything else you’ve been experiencing and dealing with all this time since you placed both Bookworm and Sweet Pea. It was just an awesome, awesome moment for me and for me to have with My Dad as well that I think will forever stick out to me and it was another good step for me in dealing with all my emotions and everything.

So, there ya have it all the awesome, amazing things I’ve thought of recently that are adoption related among other things that I felt the need to write down.  And there it is…I’m still more of a pro adoption person then an anti adoption person and that’s my choice…some of you may not agree or be upset with me/at me because I am not anti adoption, but it is who I am and what I choose to be.  And while I’m more of a pro adoption person…I don’t, however, think adoption is the answer for every girl who finds herself in a position where she is considering adoption, parenting or abortion…I think it is a very valid choice and can be a good choice if it’s the right/best thing or you feel it’s the right/best thing for you and your child, but I don’t agree with unethical adoption practices…or mothers being coerced/pressured to place their child for adoption or told that they can’t talk about it and so on.

I just feel that adoption can be a good choice if it’s a choice/decision that’s made with the right kind of help and such…with the understanding that a mother can change her mind at any time whether she’s choosing to parent or place etc…meaning if she wants to parent and changes her mind to place that’s her choice if she feels it’s best and has examined her options wisely and thought it through and if she wants to place and changes her mind to parent that’s her choice as well too.  I don’t look down on anyone who chooses to parent not place or anything…there is no easy choice or easy way out when you find yourself in the kind of situation where you find yourself considering the options of adoption, parenting/single parenting or abortion (side note here I don’t consider abortion an option personally…I simply put it because most people consider those three choices to be what you choose from when faced with an unwed pregnancy etc., but I’ve never considered abortion to be an option because just as I’m more of a pro adoption person, I’m pro life and strongly against abortion).

So, these are just my thoughts and opinions on things…and while I support adoption as a good, valid choice if it is made wisely and from an educated standpoint etc. and is what you feel is best…I also feel that it should be shared when a girl/woman is deciding whether to place or not etc…that there will be some regret and it will be hard no matter what…the agency I used both times called me in once to talk to a girl considering placing her child for adoption and they wanted me to talk to her…when I went and talked to her…I asked her questions about what she thought and felt and what she’d found out…what she kept coming back to is I don’t know what to do, I don’t know so I told her this…”what it comes down to is can you live with this or not? I mean you have to listen to your heart and what you think/feel and you have to say to yourself if I decide to place does it feel right, can I do it and if I do it, will I be able to look back in a year or so I say I’m okay with what I did and the choice I made because what it comes down to is what you know in your heart and what choice you can live with and what you know is best for you and your child.” I also told her not to think or worry/consider anyone else and their opinion or how they factored in…just herself and her baby and what she felt in her heart and could she look back and be okay with that she placed because if not she most likely should not do it…I believe she chose to parent her baby…and that was not just because of what I said but because she already knew that in her heart that she couldn’t place and be okay with it and that she didn’t feel it was best for her and her baby and that was her choice and I’m glad she did what she knew was best and right for her and her child, just like I did for me and my girls.

I don’t try to paint rosy pictures although it is or may seem rosy at times…I just try to be real when I talk about my experience and emotions with having placed both my daughters for adoption and how it’s affected and continues to affect me, my family and my life in a lot of ways that aren’t always expected either. As long as someone has all the facts and isn’t pressured or coerced and feels adoption is the right/best thing for them to do then I support it and that’s my two cents on that  along with my awesome facts about my girls moms, my experience, my family and everything :).

I’ve processed…

and gotten over the shock from finding out about my 7 yr. old’s parents getting divorced now, but there’s still other questions I am thinking of asking my 7 yr. old’s mom in an e-mail.  I just haven’t done it yet, but I will soon.

Anyway, other than that not much else to report talk about regarding my 7 yr. old and her parents…no new updates with them just yet.

I think it was about a couple weeks ago now on Sat, April 10 that my 5 yr. old’s parents came over and we had our game night like we’d been planning for a while.  It was great, we all had a really fun time and we all got along great.  They were here at our place for quite a while, but it didn’t seem like that long at all and we talked about all sorts of things and had lots of fun with games and snacks and all.

My hubby made his yummy cinnamon rolls and we bought some other goodies and it was just a really great time…can’t wait to get together and do it again sometime soon.  We are planning to drop by their house just before Mother’s Day next weekend since they’re having a jewelry show and invited us over if we wanted to drop by and say Hi so we’re planning to drop by next Saturday.  I’m excited to go by and say Hi and see their jewelry show not to mention that I think it’s cool we’ll get to see each other right before Mother’s Day this year so maybe I’ll bring over and drop off her Mother’s Day gift too :D.

Other than that with things still going good and all with both my girls and their families, nothing major to report.  We’re hoping to start our family and have our own kids soon, but we’ll see how things go.  The weather here is all messed up and keeps going between the extremes of hot and cold, but no happy medium of warm or just right in between hot and cold.  It would be nice if the weather here would make up its mind though.

Anyway, I’m working on getting back into being more regular with posting on my blog here and so far it’s been around once a month or so I’ve been posting, so hopefully I’ll keep up with more regular posting here :D.

I always have things I think of to write and catalog in my mind to write down here later, but I don’t always remember them or write them down later for one reason or another so I need to try to sit down and write what I think of right when I think of it or closer to right after I think of it so I don’t lose it or forget it.

Oh well, just gotta keep working at it and trying to do my best with my blog here and all :).

Total Shock!

At least it was to me and to my family/close friends…I’m still processing it and it’s a bit surreal…and no it’s not an April Fools Joke though I wish it were…

It was just the other night, 3-31, I was sitting here online about to go play a game with my hubby, when my 7 yr. old’s (a)mom came online on FB chat and said Hi to me so I’m like Hi, how’s it going? No big deal just us chatting, catching up/updating each other as usual, right?…well a bit more of an update…a rather shocking update than I wanted or would have expected.

So, my 7 yr. old’s mom says to me on chat, Is now an okay time to talk for a bit? I’m like okay sure and she says I’ve been meaning/wanting to talk to you for a bit now, but been putting it off for far too long…

At this point, I’m wondering what the heck’s going on because obviously something is up here. So, I ask are you guys adopting again…cause she says things are changing here and that’s the first thing I think…well then I look up and it says, “I’m divorcing S (my 7 yr. old’s adad)” and I’m just like…uh what?!! and I froze sitting here in my chair and felt like I just got smacked in the face by a curve ball.

So, instantly I’m frozen in my chair, speechless, freaking out, trying to remember to breathe and stay calm…my heart’s going crazy and I’m crying all of a sudden and wondering what the heck happened…how is my 7 yr. old…and are they going to be okay and what the freak I didn’t place her for this to happen…this isn’t what I wanted for her…it’s not fair…all running through my head and reacting in 30 sec or less…

So, I take a deep breath and ask if this has been going on long or if it’s something new and she says, “I kicked him out last July”…again…what?? and I’m still freakin out and like wow, so it’s been a while now and then I ask her about some of the details and for more info about what exactly is going on now and she keeps apologizing cause she feels so bad that she didn’t tell me until now and I’m like, it happens, life happens, yes I feel a little upset you didn’t tell me until now, but you told me now and in spite of all, I can kind of understand, how it might be for her and her side of things and how life gets etc…so yes, I’m upset she didn’t tell me until now, but I’m not going to dwell on it because really what good is that going to do.

Really, I’m just happy that she told me and talked with me now and that we opened up a little more to each other with this discussion last night. And what’s important to me now, is that my 7 yr. old is okay and being taken care of and loved and that her mom is going to be okay and that they are going to be in a better situation on their own with the two of them and the amom’s family, they have a good support system and I don’t question the amom’s judgment in deciding to divorce the adad…I just wish it didn’t have to happen…

I still know I did what was best and what was right when I chose to place my 7 yr. old with this family, 7 yrs. ago, because she still had what I wanted her to have for 6 yrs and she still has her mom and all their family and friends that they’re close to and she still has me and my family too. I just wish my 7 yr. old didn’t have to experience this and that her mom didn’t have to either, ya know…

I still don’t know all the nitty gritty details, but I know enough for right now while I’m digesting this new development. I do know that they’re divorcing and my 7 yr. old’s mom told me she’s working on putting the house up for sale and is thinking of moving to Cali to be by her sister or AZ to be by her brother, both of whom she’s close to, but she doesn’t want to stay where they are anymore at least not for now.

I do know questions I meant to ask, but haven’t yet, but that I’ll ask and find out later, such as if they’re going to share custody of my 7 yr. old or if her amom’s going to get full custody and the adad’s only going to have visitation and more details about things. I do know my 7 yr. old is doing good despite this going on…at least her amom told me she’s trying to do her best in helping my 7 yr. old be okay with stuff for now and keep my 7 yr. old out of the middle of things between her and the adad, as in she’s protecting my girl from being used as a pawn etc. as much as she can and she’s putting my girl as her first priority no matter what with all of this, she told me that and some other things as well.

She and I talked about and are also not planning to change our relationship or the way we do things…other than I’ll mail things to a different address once they move and so forth. We’ll still e-mail/write and chat online and mail gifts and keep in touch and keep working on our relationship/friendship and whenever my 7 yr. old wants to see me/talk to me like she and her mom chatted with me online a couple times recently, I’ll still be able to talk with my 7 yr. old and meet her when she wants when she’s a little older.

And so, a lot of things are staying the same, while a lot or some things aren’t and some things, we’ll see what happens as time goes on…but at least she told me and we had a good talk about things and she told me to please remind her when it’s been a while for her to send me a picture/update on my 7 yr. old because she wants me to know about her and have pictures and she knows that I need to know and have recent pictures about my 7 yr. old as well. My 7 yr. old’s amom doesn’t want me to ever feel shy to remind her/ask her for pictures or about my girl or to ask her anything or talk to her and she told me she’d try to chat with me online more often because she thinks it’s good for us and she enjoys it and I do too…so we talked about both trying a little harder and keeping working at keeping up with each other with updates/pictures etc. and chatting online more often so it was a good talk overall despite the shocking part of it.

And I feel closer to her and better about things after talking last night and I know that my 7 yr. old is doing good right now and that she’s being well taken care of and all with everything going on. That’s not to say that down the road there won’t be things to deal with that have to do with this divorce happening now, but for now things are the best they can be and her amom and me as well as our families are working on things to keep things as good as they can be from both sides through this and as life goes on and my 7 yr. old keeps growing up.

I’m sure I’ll have bad days with this whole divorce thing and thinking about my decision that I made to place my 7 yr. old with them as well, but I’m only human, right and even though I’ll have my bad days and my doubts…I still know that my girl was meant to be with them and is meant to be where she is in spite of these unfair circumstances that have come up.

Life isn’t fair, but whining about it only does so much and I’m still processing and in shock and upset about this some, but it is what it is so I’m trying to deal and process it the best I can. I have a lot of people – family/friends – that I know I can talk to and turn to and most importantly despite this unhappy bit of news…I think, in a way, it’s helped the relationship/friendship etc. between my 7 yr. old’s amom and myself as well as other things…I think this decision to divorce the adad may be a good thing that helps and affects more than the initial reasons the amom had for deciding to divorce him.

I do also have some anger toward the adad now as well…although I’m not entirely sure what all went down and what he did…I’m still upset at him as well as this whole situation…see still processing this…and I’m rambling now…so I think I’m going to wrap this up for now.

All that matters is that my 7 yr. old knows she’s loved by me and her amom and by all the people who love her and that she is being taken care of and provided for in all aspects. Just a long as my 7 yr. old is alright, that’s all that matters in the long run with regards to the divorce and all, ya know.