Well, okay so it’s only been about a week since I last posted an entry here…but for me that’s kind of a long time to go without writing anything considering I’m usually pretty regular with posting.
Anyway, I promised I’d blog so you all know what I’m up to…so I’ve been down here visiting my parents for the past week and also saw my boy for the first time after 2-3 weeks when I got down here last week. It was kind of weird when he and I first saw each other after not having seen each other for a while, but after the initial shock of seeing each other for the first time again…it was back to feeling comfortable and the same again.
We’ve both been looking for jobs down here and trying to decide where we each want to live – him with a friend and me by myself unless I find someone I’d want to try rooming with – ha until we get married and get a place together. So far because of the job/financial status…we haven’t changed the wedding plans…we’re still planning to try for December. I still don’t know if I/we’ll be able to make it all the way to December, but that’s the plan for now that we’re doing.
As for the job search, I’m getting tired of it because I’ve been back and forth with look for a job down here and look for a job up where my place is that I still am in until I get a job down here. It seems like I’ve been looking for a job for quite a while now and thinking about it recently, I’ve discovered/figured out some things about me and this job search that have lead me to the conclusion within the past few days that I am the one holding myself back from getting a job, if that makes sense. I mean, I’m the only person or thing standing in my own way of getting a good job that I want or even of just getting a job because of some fears and insecurities of mine.
Yeah, I know…me and fears and insecurities…we’re good pals and we go way back together and I really detest them. For some reason though, they seem to love me…it’s disgusting really when they show up and bug me like this. I really hate having to constantly battle with them in one area of my life or another, ya know.
It’s just that I’ve recently discovered and figured this out about holding myself back with jobs because the thing is I have had jobs offered to me…I have had a few jobs that could have been fun or decent until I found something better that were interested in hiring me, but I didn’t respond because I wanted to hold out and see if I could get something better. Then if I wasn’t holding out for something better, like there were a couple jobs that were interested in offering me a position or talking to me that I didn’t respond to that were great jobs that had to do with counseling…I freakin probably could have been starting a job with a counseling office already, which is what I want to do, right? But what do I do, I run and hide…not because I was waiting for something better than those one or two jobs, but because I was/am afraid that if I did go and start working with a counseling office…I’d fail at it or find that it wasn’t really my thing or who knows what skeletons from my closet would surface for me to deal with so because of my stupid fear of failure…I didn’t even try.
Then as you can see, instead of identifying the problem as I have and saying okay this is what I need to do to change the outcome and get myself to try and just go for the job the next time or what not, I kick myself while I’m already down. I know I shouldn’t kick myself while I’m down…it’s such a bad trait/habit I have of doing to myself and one that I constantly work on. I should just learn from what I’ve figured out here and from my mistakes and use it to help myself, but instead I was kicking myself while I was down. I really need to stop doing that, learn from the mistakes and get the next job/good job that comes along because I know they’re out there and I can do them…I’ve already seen some of them, but I can’t let them pass me by anymore.
Other than that, I’ve been doing Memorial Day get togethers with his family and today with my family. We hung out with a couple of his friends and went to see Shrek 3 on this past Friday night, then Saturday night, we hung out by ourselves and last night we hung out with his family and then my family some too. Today we’ll be hanging out with more of my family and doing a barbecue and games. We might go and see Pirates 3 with his family in the afternoon today too or later on this week with my family, but I’m set on seeing Pirates 3 for sure this week.
Since Cory and I have been back together and around each other again, we’ve had some good times with talking about things and we’ve had some romantic moments too that were unexpected. It’s just one night this past week when we were talking, he looked at me and said you do realize that we only went up there to school for each other, right. I, of course, didn’t realize at first what he was saying so I started saying I had other reasons for why I went up there to go to school and all. Then he looked at me and shook his head and said no, we went up there to find each other and that was what it was all really for…and he sat and gazed at me for a minute with this look and I was overwhelmed by how much love was in his eyes when he looked at me…and then he said and ya know after going up there and going through all that dumb school stuff and what not, it was all worth it because at least I got you.
Another night when we were together after that time, he said to me, I just can’t wait until we can go to sleep together and I want to sleep holding you in my arms because it makes me feel whole, happy and safe to have you in my arms and hear your heartbeat. One other night, we were talking and he said well we should get you home now and I said, but I am already home and he looked at me for a minute and I said I feel like I’m home in your arms…it’s the one place I feel most at home and he said I know, I feel the same way.
I know, it’s disgusting, all mushy and romantic, huh, but I feel like one of the luckiest people alive because I have him. I feel complete and whole with him and at home in his arms…he makes me feel safe and happy and he’s always there for me. I’ve never had this with anyone else, never had anyone feel this way about me and I’ve never felt this way about anyone…it’s like the most amazing thing that’s ever happened and that I’ve ever experienced.
Anyway, that’s more or less what’s been going on with me and everything else in my life for now. I hope everyone’s been having a great Memorial Day weekend and doing good…I promise to try to do better with blogging this week and not slack off so much again =).