A Song I’d Like to Dedicate to My Mom

…among others in my life…past,present, future, who have, will or may try to tell me how to live my life etc….like the song says…”who died and made you king of anything?”

Sara Bareilles – King of Anything

Ow ow ow ooow

Keep drinkin coffee stare me down across the table
While I look outside
So many things I’d say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet and count the cars that pass by
You’ve got opinions man we’re all entitled to
But I never asked
So let me thank you for your time
And try not to waste any more of mine
And get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe
But I’m not drowning
There’s no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree, you are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died, and made you king of anything
Whoooo oooh

You sound so innocent all full of good intent
Swear you know best
But you expect me to jump up on board with you
Right off into your delusional sunset

I’m not the one who’s lost with no direction oh
But you’ll never see
You’re so busy making map
And put name on them in all caps
You’ve got the talking down
Just not the listening

Who cares if you disagree, you are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died, and made you king of anything

All my life I’ve tried
To make everybody happy while I
Just hurt and hide waitin for someone to tell me
It’s my turn to decide

(ow ow ow ow ooow)

Who cares if you disagree, you are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died, and made you king of anything oh
Who cares if you disagree, you are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died, and made you king of anything

Let me hold your crown babe
O-oooooh aaaaaaah

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Thinking About…

…well I’m thinking about quite a few things, but don’t know how to write or what exactly I want to write about them all just now.

These things have been going on/through my head for a bit now, but haven’t figured out quite how to write some of them or what to write exactly so…I’ll write some and think on it more and see if more detailed posts come later.

1. I’ve been thinking and wondering how things turned out and are going for Bookworm (7) and her mom now that I think the divorce is final and they’ve moved to their own place. I just sent a message/e-mail asking Bookworm’s mom about things so hopefully I’ll get a reply and/or talk to her on chat or something again soon to get updated.

2. It struck me the other day when I was sitting thinking about various things that not everyone always remembers that adoption is not about or not supposed to be about anyone but the child…I placed my two girls for adoption because it was about them and what I felt/thought was right and best for them not me, not my family and not anyone else. I get tired of trying to be all politically correct and respectful of everyone who may disagree with me and my choice to have placed both my girls etc. etc…and I realized it shouldn’t matter to me too much about other people and what they think…what matters is my girls and what they think and feel and what is best for them period.

3. It seems kind of strange to me, but for some reason recently…I’ve been having different kinds of revelations and/or light bulb moments that are significant especially to myself, but also somewhat to life in general and such.

4. One of these so called light bulb moments that I experienced recently that finally surfaced and I could finally make sense of it and put words to it that made sense…was not one that was particularly a ‘happy’ light bulb moment…it was in regards to my mother. I finally vocalized and discussed it with Hubby and put it into words that if I were to be completely honest/truthful with myself…my mother has a whole lot more of a part in the reasons why I placed both my girls than I have admitted or perhaps realized to myself until recently. If I’m completely truthful, my mother is at least a major third of the reasons being at least one of the three major reasons why I ended up placing both times. There is so much more to this one…it should and most likely will end up getting its own post sometime soon…once I’ve worked it out some more in my head and in talking with others.

5. I’ve been watching “Secret Life of an American Teenager” and it’s like a freakin train wreck that I can’t look away from…first they have one girl who’s 15 get pregnant, keep and parent/co-parent with the guy and now they’re having another girl that is pregnant and wanting to get an abortion. It’s just wow, so much of this emotionally charged stuff in a show, ya know and I don’t know what to think about it…sometimes I think good sometimes bad…but it definitely can be a show that has a few triggers for me to say the least, if ya know what I mean.

6. Another revelation I had in regards to my mother after all the crap with FB as I mentioned previously etc. and so on…that I discussed with Hubby as well is that we have mentioned and talked with one another before about different guidelines for my mother’s involvement in my/our children’s lives, but we also have said that we want to try to do our best so that our kids will respect my mother and not think she’s an irritating know it all witch because my sister’s kids think my mother/their grandmother is a witch and they don’t like her or respect her much at all, but my mother doesn’t seem to like or show much respect to any of my sister’s kids either. Anyway, the point is Hubby and I have mentioned previously that we want to have our kids be nice and respectful to my mother as their grandmother and not think she’s a witch, but recently when discussing my mother and such…I have come to the conclusion and mentioned to Hubby that realistically I don’t know how well or how much control we will have over our kids being and staying nice and respectful to my mother…not if she continues to act and treat myself, Hubby, and others badly as she does. We can do our best to instill the behaviors and manners to be nice and respectful to their grandmother, but overall and in the long run…it is up to my mother how my/our children will end up thinking of her and treating her…if she treats them like she treats me, they will think she’s a witch and have issues with her like I do…if she treats them nicely and with respect, they will do the same back…but it’s all up to my mother and how she treats our kids (once we have them that is…hopefully soon…).

7. I was thinking/reading on an adoption forum etc. the other day about how it is for mothers who placed their children in the closed adoption era and how some mothers kept their children secret. Also how some adoptees never get to meet their birth parents because they die before the adoptee finds them and I was comparing it…though it doesn’t compare equally…to how it is for me since I placed my two girls and have the different levels of openness that I do with each of my girls and their families, which keeps changing for the better over time. And I was talking with Hubby about it and was like interesting how it was for mothers and the children they placed back in the closed era to how it is now for me and some others who have placed recently because with myself…there’s no way I would ever think or would have ever been told to keep my girls a secret like a lot of mothers were told back in the closed era and I have two little girls and their families that I have to answer to right here and right now. I already have at least one of my girls, Bookworm, asking me things every once in a while…wanting to know if Sweet Pea (5) knows about her yet and what she likes, if they like the same things etc. and once Hubby and I do have a baby as soon as they are born/a couple years old they will start learning about their two sisters out there…of course, it will all be on their level of learning at their different ages…but I know that as soon as I have another child, both my girls, but especially the older, Bookworm, will want to know if my other child, their sibling knows about them so even if I ever thought about waiting to tell the kids I will have until they were older about Bookworm and Sweet Pea…I can’t because I have to answer to Bookworm and Sweet Pea now because we communicate and they ask questions and will ask questions as they grow up. I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like, how hard it is or was for all the mothers who placed their children in the closed era…I don’t know if I could have placed in the closed era…I really don’t…it makes all the difference in the world to me to have the levels of openness that I do with both my girls and their families and to be able to develop our relationships/friendships and keep updated on each other the way we can as we go through life instead of having to find out things from them all at once when they find me when they’re older, ya know.

So, you can see I’ve had a lot going through my head to think on lately and at least I wrote this for all these recent thoughts for now. Also…I just found a few flying ants in our kitchen…not happy about that…going to have spray, set ant traps or something cause insects of any kind, but especially flying ants is not acceptable here – nope, nope, nope :p.

A few things to say here

Okay so I have a couple or so things floating around in my head along with somewhat strong emotions attached to some of them.

At first it was just one or two things that I thought no big deal…I don’t need to write about them. Then it was a few more things so here I am doing kind of a rambling/list post of sorts I guess you’d call it.

Here goes…first of all…some of you may not like to hear this…but it is what it is…

1. I am LDS as in I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, which I believe and know for myself to be true and I believe and know Christ lives and loves us. I also know that Heavenly Father lives and loves us and that Jesus Christ died on the cross and atoned for our sins. I am not ashamed of God or my belief in God or my religion…if you don’t like it, that’s your choice, but this is a very huge part of who I am, how I live and look at things and also always has been, is and always will be a major part of my life. I want to make sure you know this as to helping you to know me and see where I am coming from and keep your negative LDS/mormon comments to yourself. If you want to write about how all LDS people and our church is all bad etc. then go ahead, but don’t expect me to agree or support that point of view and don’t lump all LDS people into the same category because we are not all the same bad, evil and/or narrow minded people you think we are.

2. Not only am I LDS (Mormon), but I live in Utah and I use to not like it here, but now I do and once again I don’t like being lumped in with how some of you think all the LDS people or all the people in Utah are. Also for the most part, I support the adoption laws here, but I support them coming from my point of view, which is not the same as some of yours. I support them coming from the standpoint that if they hadn’t been there when I placed my two girls…it would have been a lot worse of a situation specifically when I placed my second daughter. With when I placed my first daughter, it wasn’t that much of a big deal to me about the adoption laws etc. because the guy – her bio guy as I refer to him…just walked away and never did anything. But with my second daughter and that second guy, I am glad the adoption law was the way it was or I would have had that much more to go through and deal with in regards to that psycho guy trying to mess things up. And he was a psycho, stalker, emotionally, verbally abusive etc. so it would have been a bad thing for him to have more of a chance to use his rights.

So, my situations and my standpoint/viewpoint are different and that is a lot of why I am glad that the adoption laws here in Utah were/are the way they are because it was a good thing in my situations.

Of course, it’s not always a good thing, but the thing is I didn’t move here from another state when I had and placed my two girls either. I did everything legally from my being here, living here and staying in the same state when I got pregnant, was pregnant and then placed both times. Also both times, I told both guys and they both had the chance to assert their rights etc., but neither of them did…the second guy threatened to do what you need to…told me he would, but he never did.

So, like I said, for me and my girls the adoption laws here in Utah were a good thing.

3. I don’t acknowledge the bio guys on Father’s Day because they aren’t Fathers of any kind to either of my girls and they never were. Maybe they are to other children now and maybe they’ll be different If and When my two girls ever want to know about them years from now, but right now they’re not and never were. They have biological connections to my girls and that’s it…and yes I still have some anger with the guys that I still process through and deal with better some days than others.

4. I also have a little more anger behind the anger I deal with toward the bio guys and all the jerky guys I’ve known right now etc. because Bookworm’s parents just got/are going through their divorce because the adad was a disgusting jerk and major disappointment.

5. The other night I was at my parents house to celebrate my Dad’s birthday and I saw a piece of paper by my Dad’s desk in their office room. On that piece of paper was a list of grandchildren by name and their birthdays…Bookworm (7) and Sweet Pea (5) were on the list and I thought that was way cool so I told my Dad I thought that was cool. My Dad said, of course, I have to keep track of all my grandkids and their bdays and then just observing, I said “hey you don’t have C.S.’s name and bday on there” referring to the son my sister placed for adoption about 25 yrs ago now. My Dad said back to me, “yeah I sometimes wonder and think about him and how he turned out etc.” and to which my mother said, “well, we don’t have any pictures of him or know anything about him so of course we don’t have him on our birthday list etc.”

I just stared dumbfounded at my mother when she said that because I was like seriously you don’t have a picture of one of my nephews or know anything about him so he doesn’t count in the family?? What kind of logic is that anyway!?! And then I thought so if I stop giving you pictures or telling you about my two girls, are they going to get erased from the birthday list now…I mean seriously. Why doesn’t she just say oh that part of you is rejected to my sister about that son because that’s what it would feel like and sometimes does feel like to me that she doesn’t accept my two girls as part of the family or doesn’t accept that part of me…not the way my Dad, my Hubby, his family, some others of my family and everyone else accepts that part of me anyway, but then what do I expect from my mother *rolls eyes*.

6. Father’s Day is My Birthday this year…I’m glad to share it with my Father, who is the most awesome Dad ever…of course I might be a little biased ha ha. But my Dad is one of my Heroes and yes I’m a Daddy’s girl through and through. I’m very close with my Dad and he and I have a great relationship/friendship…and he’s always been there for me and been like a rock for me and we’ve learned and grown a lot together through all the ups and downs in life. I can’t imagine having any better/more awesome of a Dad than I do.

So, with Father’s Day and my Birthday being the same day – it’s a celebration for two pretty cool people if I do say so myself and I do – My Dad and I :D! My Dad and his Dad and my mom’s Dad and all the other awesome Dad’s out there are the ones I recognize and choose to celebrate that day.

7. And Finally my last thing to say here…I think I had a little more to say than I thought lol, but anyway. My last thing here is to say that I’m finally really getting into serious mode about wanting and being ready to really try for having a baby and starting a family. It’s been a process and a journey to this point, which is far from over, but I’m just now feeling ready/starting to feel really ready for taking this jump in life and getting more baby hungry lately lol :p. I’m also getting excited even though it’s also rather scary at the thought of having a baby that I bring home and raise myself, but I’m excited to do it with my Hubby cause I think he’ll be a great Daddy just like my own Daddy one day :D.

I liked this article

Why Birth Moms Deserve Respect

What are your thoughts on it? I thought it was a pretty decent article and I identified with a lot of it myself although I know not everyone will agree with the article or my feelings about it.

In my circles, in my family, my girl’s families and my husband’s family…I am accepted with the fact that I’ve placed my two girls…but my corner of the world isn’t what a lot would call the norm.

But if society can accept/support gays/lesbians adopting a child and mothers keeping and single parenting their child etc…why can’t they accept birth mothers and stop trying to lump us all into one category.

I mean I still don’t get why some people find us (mothers who have placed children for adoption) such a threat or so offensive anyway.

I did what was best for my girls…I love them just like their moms (amoms) love them. Both myself and my girl’s moms would do anything to protect my/our girls…I’m a mother too…even though I’m not the mother raising them…I did what any mother does by putting my child’s well being and needs in front of my own and doing what I felt was right and best for them.

It just happened that what I felt was right and best for my girls was to place them for adoption. Which isn’t to say that it wasn’t hard and it was definitely not easy and still isn’t easy and not a decision I made lightly, but it was the best decision and the right one for my girls and me in my situations.

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Have to say…

I’ve had a lot of posts forming and sitting in my mind, but haven’t written them out yet…but let’s just say I’ve been stressing because of my mother and everything so my fiance and I are going to go back down to stay with his parents for a week.

We’re going down there so I can get away from my mother and get a break and so that we can help them out with getting things ready for the open house/reception we’ll be having down there.  Also we’ve decided to move and live down there with his parents for the summer so we’ll probably check out some jobs down there while we’re there for a week or two.

All I can say is I’ve just about reached my limit with my mother…so I’m glad I’m going down there for a little while.

AUGH!

I also have some adoption posts forming and sitting in my mind…but I haven’t written them cause I haven’t wanted to deal with those emotions on top of everything else right now, but stay tuned…I promise to write some more soon.

Feeling “Chicken”…

And a little stressed…to say the least…anyway…back to the feeling “chicken” statement…which would have to do with the fact that as most of you know my first girl I placed, A, turned 5 almost a month ago now and I wrote a birthday blog on her birthday.

Well I’ve never really had it happen to me before…but an uneducated person left a comment on that post that really upset me and bothered me at the time…it still does…I’ve not been dwelling on it completely because of the whirlwind of other things going on with planning my wedding and so forth…but every time I look at my blog…the comment is still sitting there waiting for me to moderate and approve it or not and I haven’t approved it because it ticks me off and I feel like I should probably quote the comment and respond to it, but at the same time I’ve been avoiding it and not wanting to deal with posting or responding to it because of how it kinda really got to me…which I’ve calmed down a lot since the initial reading and processing of the stupid comment, but I’m feeling ‘chicken’ about responding and letting my emotions out about the comment on the blog to the public eye view.

Anyway, I know I’ll do it in the next while here…because if I don’t it’ll most likely eat at me and I’m getting tired of having it sit there waiting for me to moderate it and decide if I will approve it or not.  Take a wild guess as to whether I approve it or not…grrr.

I have too much to say and haven’t formed it all the way I want just yet…but it’s coming and I’m working through it in my head and so forth.

Disturbed & Uneasy…

…is how I’m feeling ever since I had a kind of disturbing dream last night that woke me up…it featured my recent last boyfriend (aka the boy) in it and at first it seemed like some meaningless and harmless dream for bothering me but then it got all weird by the end of the dream when I woke up feeling uneasy and kinda freaked out.

I don’t remember everything about the dream…I just have had this lingering uneasy feeling about it and about him all day and I feel like I want to run away and hide because I’m so uneasy and I’m not sure exactly why.

I have some ideas why…but at the same time…it was only a dream so I don’t know…it just freaked me out.  If you don’t know the story about the boy and his friend yet…let me give a quick version here…his friend that I was trying to stay friends with after I broke up with the boy went weird on me with saying and asking me all sorts of things that aren’t his business through my facebook messages so it kinda got ugly the other night and I stopped responding to him and blocked him.  He started cussing and being more of a jerk toward me in his last message and the whole thing was just a mess so I left it alone, but I have suspicions that the boy was in on some of what this so called friend was saying to me in the messages although I don’t know for sure…I wouldn’t be surprised and that kind of upset me more than this friend because I thought the boy meant it when he said in the past that he cared about me and always would and then did this…but what do I expect, right…anyway.

So, part of the messages was that supposedly the boy found out I’m engaged and wanted/wants to meet with my guy and me to discuss things with us and both my guy and I and my family were all like why?  why would he or does he think he needs to meet and discuss this with us…my thoughts were I was with him for 1 1/2 years….like about 18 months and what could there possibly be left to say between him and me right now especially in regards to my getting married.  Oh and his friend also said they wonder if I’m doing this out of spite and I’m like uh hello…this isn’t about the boy/ex…this is about me and my guy and what we feel is right not about the boy.

Something that this so called friend said that is really what upset me and kind of hurt especially coming from someone I thought cared and was my friend, which apparently they’re not and maybe never were was that he said to me when I told him to basically mind his own business because I felt like he was trying to pry, being judgmental and so forth toward me that because I wanted him to back off with some of the things he was saying that meant he’s right and I’m wrong and when my guy and I get divorced, I’ll realize that they were my only true friends and the only ones who really cared about me.

Um, excuse me, but what kind of “friend” says that to someone and what kind of caring about me is that huh?  Oh and they’re such true friends…if that’s what “true friends” say and do, I don’t need or want them.  Okay so I’m a little angry right now…but you probably would be too if you were in my position.

Oh and if they’re my only “true friends” and the only ones who really care about me, then what is my family and his family or my other friends…they’re not true, they don’t care about me…um yeah right.  My family are the truest friends I have and they are the ones who care about me more than anyone except God and guess what, my family and my guy’s family and my other friends all are happy for me, they all feel good about me and my guy and us getting married…my family loves him and his family loves me and we fit together and we fit in/with each other’s families too.

So, ya know what, the “friend” and the boy are kind of outnumbered here because they are the only ones who think we need to talk, who think I might be making a rash decision, who think I’m going to end up divorced, who think I need to get their permission or something so yeah I don’t think so.

I’m half expecting the “friend” or the boy to try to contact me in some other way, but one can always hope and I was feeling disturbed and uneasy about it, but ya know what…now that I wrote this…I’m not…ya know what…now I feel like going “bring it on” because if they think they’re going to ruin anything for me, they’ve got another thing coming.

If ya wanna know how I feel go to my myspace page and listen to the first song on my play list…if you can’t get access to my myspace, the song’s called, “Give a Damn” by Jo Dee Messina” and here’s the lyrics.  I was introduced to this song by my guy and one of my best friends who had it on her myspace page the other day =).  If you haven’t heard the song, you should look it up and listen to it.  Anyway here’s the lyrics to it:

Artist/Band: Messina Jo Dee
Lyrics for Song: My Give A Damn Busted
Lyrics for Album: Other Songs

Well, you filled up my head with so many lies.
You twisted my heart till somethin’ snapped inside.
I’d like to give it one more try,
But my give-a-damn’s busted.

You can crawl back home, say you were wrong;
Stand out in the yard and cry all night long.
Well, go ahead and water the lawn:
My give-a-damn’s busted.

I really wanna care.
I wanna feel somethin’.
Let me dig a little deeper:.
No, sorry: nothin’.

You can say you’ve got issues, you can say you’re a victim.
It’s all your parents fault, after all you didn’t pick ’em.
Maybe somebody else has got time to listen:
My give-a-damn’s busted.

Well, your therapist says it was all a mistake:
A product of the Prozac an’ your co-dependent ways.
So who’s your neighbor these days?
My give-a-damn’s busted.

I really wanna care.
I wanna feel somethin’.
Let me dig a little deeper:.
No, still nothin’.

It’s a desperate situation, no tellin’ what you’ll do.
If I don’t forgive you, you say your life is through.
C’mon, gimme somethin’ I can use:
My give-a-damn’s busted.

Well, I really wanna care.
I wanna feel somethin’.
Let me dig a little deeper:
No, I’m sorry.
Just nothin’, you know.
You’ve really done it this time, ha, ha.
My give-a-damn’s busted.

So, there ya have it.  I gotta run and get some things done.

Just a Heads Up Here

Okay I was writing openly for most of the time here…but have done a few password protected posts lately and recently decided to change some of my once open posts to private because I don’t want any certain people reading my blog and my personal thoughts/feelings anymore.

I don’t know if these certain people are reading my blog anymore…but I feel better having certain posts from now on for a time…anyway…password protected so if you want to read my posts and you know me then you know how to ask me for the password and I’ll give it to you.

I don’t think I should have left some of my recent posts open because there’s a chance that the certain people I’m referring to have already read them when I didn’t want to so to prevent me from feeling like I’m having my privacy invaded by certain people and so forth…I’m giving a heads up to let you all know I’ll be doing mostly password protected posts from now on for the time being.

I’m trying to decide if I want to leave my blog here or move it elsewhere also…if there was an easy way to do that I would…but for now…doing the private posts seems the easiest to make me feel better anyway.

But yeah just so you know :p.

Stay Tuned…

I have a lot on my mind…tons lately and have talked and talked about it all…but was thinking I should sit and write some if not all of these thoughts, happenings etc. down so stay tuned cause I’ll be writing a bit within this next week, I think.

I’d write a whole lot more right now…but it’s really late or whatever you want to say and I should get some sleep before I have to get up for work soon :p.

I just have had a whirlwind happen in my life for the past 2-3 weeks it seems and there’s a lot to say etc. with one relationship having ended and another one having begun and the difference between them or rather how different the one that’s begun is than the one that ended.  Then there’s A’s b-day coming up in March…she’ll be 5 years old already that filters in with everything and all the emotions plus a few other things, but yeah so you have an idea of all that I have on my mind lately that I probably should write all down as soon as possible within this week.

Anyway, gotta catch a little bit of sleep so nite nite for now :p.