‘Waxing Philosophical’ or just random thoughts…

I was thinking yesterday how I love music and I should listen to it and dance again like I use to…but then after listening to some music…I remembered part of why I don’t listen to it as much anymore…it gets me thinking too deep of thoughts and going down memory lane or things that sometimes leave me somewhat melancholy…

Strange how music can do that to you, isn’t it…I just found myself pondering all sorts of things…deep things that even hurt my head when I think about them too much or too often like what the bigger picture is that I don’t fully see yet…like what all my part is to play in it…thinking of the future, the present, the past and how it all fits together and how it all makes me who I am so I can do my part here.

I’ve been remembering how much fun I had when I was younger, when I went out dancing with my friends all the time, when I and life was more carefree to an extent it seems…geez reading and writing these thoughts makes me feel older somehow and not just older by age…older in my soul…ya know.

Thinking of how it’s interesting to me how things have all come together for me to get to this point of where I am in my life even all the ‘mistakes’ I’ve made all worked together to help me progress in life somehow. But since God knows all things…He knew I would do everything I’ve done…so were my ‘mistakes’ really all mistakes or essential to my part here…oh I know some of them were ‘mistakes’ or wrong choices…but part of each ‘mistake’ was not really a ‘mistake’ cause it lead me somewhere I needed to go and be and taught me many much needed lessons in life…and of course, I’m not done yet…I wonder if I’m even halfway yet…hmm my head’s kinda hurting…=p.

I feel something coming again…I’ve felt this way before…I’ve had this happen before…I’m not sure if it’s really good or bad, but rather it just is…is the best way I can describe it…something is coming in my life and something is waiting or maybe it’s someone (maybe it has to do with having a child that will be my first to keep and raise…) but I feel it’s even more than what I can grasp with my brain right now…whatever is coming…it will be both good and bad and will put me out of my comfort zone…I’m not sure I’ll totally like whatever it is…but I know it should be good for me…

It’s like there’s something right in front of me or around me that I can’t quite reach or see, but I know it’s there waiting…if that makes any sense.

I think my ramblings and deep thinking here is getting a little too weird now…maybe after a little while longer or something…I’ll understand this feeling better…

Reflecting…

It’s just from watching some movies I’ve watched lately, things that have been going on with life and all…I suppose…but I’ve been reflecting on life and having some trips down memory lane recently.

There’s too much to say all right now, but let’s say first of all, I saw Juno against my better judgment and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, but I didn’t think it was that well done and of course, it wasn’t realistic at all from my perspective.  Some parts in the movie, I saw hints of the real life version of what would have been going on in that situation with unplanned pregnancy, adoption, marital problems etc., but they weren’t more than just hints.

Of course, there were a few parts that really kind of got to me as was to be expected and I found myself holding back tears and aching some having the memories come back to me of when I went through my experiences of having, placing, meeting the adoptive parents/families and so forth.  I held back tears and remarks a few times during the movie because I was watching it with one of my roommates as well as my fiance and my roommate doesn’t know.

Anyway, there’s just been a lot going on with planning the wedding, dealing with the boy (recent past bf) and his friend(s) being mean and whatever to me and then not talking and then apologizing and talking again – who knows.  I just feel like that song all over again right now when thinking of the boy and his friend(s)…the song I mentioned before in a recent past post called “My Give a Damns Busted” by Jo Dee Messina.  There’s some other songs that I think probably would describe my feelings on that better, but that’s one of them…I’m just tired of all the emotional rollercoaster stuff with them and the whole trying to be friends thing so I’m feeling like it’s time to just let it go and whatever will be, will be.

I’m also feeling melancholy and reflecting on life because all my roommates are moving out as of tomorrow/Tuesday and then I’ll be moving out soon…I’m feeling like this part of my life, this era, is coming to a close and a new one’s beginning with getting married and all and some of it, starting this new era, closing the other one and everything is making me feel sad and long for some of my past days…while at the same time getting more excited and anxious to start this new era, this new adventure with getting married and moving forward with my life.

It’s just all so exciting and scary all at the same time leaving one thing and moving onto another in life.  All the changes…they both thrill and make you a little nervous and scared all at the same time.

Anyway, just some random thoughts of mine while I’ve been reflecting on how my life’s gone in the past year or so and on where I am now to where I was a year or two ago.  It’s just interesting where life takes you and how things happen as they do so you end up where you do in your life.

Things are a little crazy ha ha!

That’s putting it mildly…but yeah what do I expect when I’m planning my wedding and dealing with life etc….ya know =P.

So, let’s see we’ve got half, well, actually more than half of the wedding planned so far, which is good considering the fact that it’s coming up really fast and I’m kinda freakin out and having stress about it among general things in life.

It keeps sinking in on different levels that I’m actually getting married, but it’s still kinda surreal and all, if ya know what I mean.

I still have quite a bit to do for having done as much as I have though…this week’s going to be busy…I have to look/decide on my wedding dress, wedding cake, work on invitations, go to the dr./clinic and my future hubby wants to look at apts for him to move into at the end of this month and then I’ll move in with him after we’re married the next month – eek!

Ya know what I think kinda freaks me out here besides that I’m actually getting married here and to my match – the perfect/best guy for me – is the reality that most likely within the next year or so here I’ll probably have a baby that will be the first one that I parent after having had and placed both my girls.

That concept and thought is kind of a weird one for me.  I mean it’s exciting and nervewracking and everything all together, if ya know what I mean.  But yeah I’m not focusing on that thought too much yet because I’m just trying to get through all the planning and the wedding etc. before I deal with the oh my gosh moment I’ll have when I find I’m pregnant at some point after being married – which will probably happen sooner than I think though, but ya never know…just focusing on the wedding and making it through the rest of the planning right now though, ya know =P.

Okay so I’m feelin a little crazy and a little all over the place with the wedding and all lately, but yeah that should be no big surprise to you, if you know me well at all ha ha =P.

I Feel Like a Kid in the Candy Store!

Okay so I’m like way hyper and have never been happier than lately with new guy and especially now.  It just keeps getting better and better.

I feel like I’m bursting with how things are going with my new guy and I and things we’ve been talking about lately…if you can’t guess then I’ll have to fill you in later hee, hee =).

This year is lookin like it’s going to be one of my best years yet – *bounces around* =).  I’m just so freakin hyper right now and I’m suppose to be sleeping as usual…which I’m not ha ha :p.

Anyway…I had to briefly freak out all hyper here for now and I’ll fill in the details later – *grins big*.

Stay Tuned…

I have a lot on my mind…tons lately and have talked and talked about it all…but was thinking I should sit and write some if not all of these thoughts, happenings etc. down so stay tuned cause I’ll be writing a bit within this next week, I think.

I’d write a whole lot more right now…but it’s really late or whatever you want to say and I should get some sleep before I have to get up for work soon :p.

I just have had a whirlwind happen in my life for the past 2-3 weeks it seems and there’s a lot to say etc. with one relationship having ended and another one having begun and the difference between them or rather how different the one that’s begun is than the one that ended.  Then there’s A’s b-day coming up in March…she’ll be 5 years old already that filters in with everything and all the emotions plus a few other things, but yeah so you have an idea of all that I have on my mind lately that I probably should write all down as soon as possible within this week.

Anyway, gotta catch a little bit of sleep so nite nite for now :p.

More Changes =)

Okay so I haven’t written in a while again…I know…but anyway let’s see if I can give a readers digest version and then fill in details etc. later on.

Things haven’t been going too well for a while with the boy and I and we’ve been fighting a lot lately.  He won’t commit, propose or make a decision with me and marriage and I’m tired of waiting for him after I feel like I’ve been waiting and trying to work through things with him for the past year and nothing has been changing like it needs to.

Anyway, long story short although I’m sure I’ll fill you in on more later…I talked to him just the other night and told him we needed to take a break because I needed space and time away from him and so forth.  Then he said well that’s fine, but I don’t think we should set a time so the terminology that was used is that we’re on a break for an indefinite amount of time to think about things.  We’re going to go about living our own lives, doing our own thing, hang out with who we want, do what we want and start dating other people too.  Eventually we’ll talk again to say this is what I think and here’s your stuff or what I want to do is this etc., but I honestly don’t think we’re going to get back together and have it work.

So, yeah anyway that’s a basic update and then I’ve already hung out/gone out with another guy since going on break and been in a good mood and a lot happier since starting this break for an indefinite amount of time.  I also have another guy besides the one I hung out with that I like that likes me that I’m hoping to date and he’s so cute…yeah so more to come like I said.

I have a lot to say but not enough time to say it in right now so that’s what I’ll say for now and update more later =).  I’m just really happy right now, which tells me right there that I did the right thing in regards to the boy and our relationship.

Update: Things Are Starting to Look Up

Okay that ticks me off…I don’t know what happened, but I had a whole post written out and went to publish it and the computer lost it. I thought it had saved at least part or most of what I’d written, but when I pulled it back up I couldn’t find my post anywhere so I’m annoyed.

To sum up what I had written for an update here, I have a job now that I started this past Monday. I’m still trying to adjust to getting up early and working during the day, but it should be a good experience for me. I’ll be working as a teacher’s assistant for a study skills class in a high school so I’ll have nights, weekends and school holidays off so that will be good.

Since I’ll be working during the day as a TA at the high school, I’m thinking of planning to talk to an advisor at my college next week and taking a couple classes in the afternoon/evenings. But yeah that’s the plan to work during the day and take a couple classes in the afternoons/evenings now. I’m also looking to move out since the places I mentioned before that I was going to move out to – the deals fell through and I have a few places I’ve been looking at, but haven’t decided on anything for sure…anyway I’m hoping to move out within the next little while now that I’ve got a job.

Okay I wrote the above a few days ago or so…so the new update as of new is that I’ve been a little busy and fallen behind some with my blog here as usual…but I did have a whole update post typed up and then it got lost.  I’ve been trying to post this actual post I’m writing now to update a few times for the past few days now and been frustrated with my post getting lost so hopefully this time it will actually work for once.

I’ve worked one week at this Teacher’s Assistant job and it’s pretty boring…I feel like I just sit around and “babysit” high school students/watch them study.  I am suppose to be in this study skills class to help and I don’t feel like they really need me there that much plus I work with 3 teachers and two of them – the guy teachers have both asked me twice in this past week that I’ve worked there what exactly my job is because they aren’t sure what to have me do.  I told them I don’t know exactly what my job is because on  my first day at the little orientation – the office/admin people told me they didn’t know what to really tell me about my job and that the teachers would tell me then two of these three teachers are like what’s your job so I don’t know.  I’m not too impressed or thrilled with this job anymore after this first week…besides I want to move out to an apartment which is not in the same area as this job so I’m not planning on staying with this job for very long.

I have an appointment to go meet with an apartment office on Monday afternoon to hopefully get a place with them since the others I’ve tried with talking to the people selling their contracts or what not have all fallen through so far.  I decided to try talking to the office people for the apartments instead of the people to see if this will work out better for me to get a place with them and not have it fall through for once so I can move out – the sooner the better here.

Also since I’ve decided this current Teachers Assistant position isn’t really for me and not that close to where I’m looking to move soon, I’m still looking for a job that’s more my thing or would work better for me to be able to go to school and work with then this one would.  I’ve had a few calls and a couple interviews this past week, but most of them picked someone else to hire, but I found lots more to apply to and all today and I received an e-mail today about an interview for another job that’s more what I want to go into type of position with working at a residential treatment center possibly so I have quite a few jobs I’m looking into and applying too and hoping will work out better than this TA one I’m doing now.

I looked at classes to see what was available…if I could find what I want/need to start in October for Block classes, but so far I haven’t found much so I’m still planning to go talk to an advisor at college about what they know and suggest in reference to this block classes idea, but it looks like I may end up having to wait until January to get my classes started and all settled again, I guess we’ll see.

So, yeah I’m hanging in there and things are going a little better with figuring out things with the job, apartment, school, boyfriend  and family etc. things that I’ve had going on lately.

I just recently heard from my 2 1/2 yr old’s parents earlier this week, I think it was and need to write them back to say I got the e-mail and thanks…I usually do that right when I get it but this week’s been a little weird and all with the job and everything.  I still haven’t heard from my 4 yr old’s parents since Mother’s Day, but I’ve still been sending and writing regular updates and pics on me and my life to them at least once a month or so and trying to wait patiently for them to write me back.

I’ve been back in counseling a few times and it’s helped me make sure I’m doing, working and thinking through most of these things in a clear headed way, which I need to do.  I/we still have to go into counseling together and work on our communication skills, but we haven’t quite yet because of schedule conflicts and so forth so we’re still working on that one.

So, that’s a little update of what’s been going on in the past month or so now.  I hope everyone else is doing well and having a good one this weekend :).

Bitten by Old Fears Resurfacing…

And insecurities and so forth. As some of you know I’ve been up and down having a hard time with things and working through things with my boy lately as well as dealing with a sudden blast from the past – see psycho ex suddenly and totally out of the blue attempting to contact me.

Well because of the psycho ex suddenly resurfacing and my living back at home around my mother – see toxic influence and some things that happened in the past with my boy that we’re working through and so forth…I’m having old fears resurfacing and some of my old messed up thinking showing up again in regards to trust, self-worth, self-confidence and those kinds of things.

I attempted to get back in contact with one of my former counselors this past week even before the psycho ex resurfaced briefly, but my counselor is out of town. Imagine him needing to go on a vacation now of all times…at any rate, I’m suppose to stop by sometime this next week to get in touch with him when he should be back from his vacation. I’m not sure how excited I am about talking to my counselor again, but I know I need to…I need some help again with straightening my thinking out again and what not so it doesn’t affect my relationship with my boy negatively more than it may already have affected it.

I had a bad dream yesterday and it affected me and my mood negatively and I got upset at the boy for no valid reason but rather because of the dream and how he’d been in my dream and well because it was tied to one of my fears/insecurities of losing him to that girl he’s friends with that I mentioned one other time in the past here.

Anyway, in the dream, I dreamed that, basically, he chose her over me and then I talked to him about it last night and he said he hasn’t hung out with her since we had a discussion about it and I told him I didn’t feel okay with it. He talked to this girl once just after we got back from Lake Powell a week ago because she text him about going on a hike sometime together and told her some of what was going on, which kind of bothered me having him tell her some of our problems, but it’s in the past now and she told him she was sorry for any trouble she’d caused and said she didn’t want to be the reason our relationship had problems so in that conversation it was decided they would stay friends and talk sometimes, but wouldn’t hang out because she didn’t want to cause problems and he told me I was more important so he didn’t want to do anything that would hurt me, make me uncomfortable or what not.

So, anyway last night we had a full out talk about that situation and he reassured me about that this girl that is his friend isn’t a threat and doesn’t like him and he doesn’t like her and he wants to be with me. I felt like an idiot, but some of this has to do with the old fears and issues I’ve had resurfacing, which is why I want to go talk to my counselor. Then we were talking and discussing some other things about trust and what not and it came out that he’s noticed me having a hard time with trusting myself and having confidence like I’ve noticed lately too and he asked me why I’m having a hard time with that and I tried to explain it with some of the stuff from my past, but the thing is I’m not even sure why I’m having a hard time with some of these things again. I have some ideas, but I’m not sure if that’s what they are or if there’s more to them resurfacing again that I haven’t acknowledged to myself yet, if ya know what I mean.

Anyway, I was trying to talk with the boy about these things and what not and somehow it came up we were discussing that some of my fears etc. have to do with the part of my past of having a failed marriage etc., which it does…that I’m scared of making a mistake and having another failed marriage and so forth. So, we were talking about that and all and mentioned something about fairy tales and how we haven’t had fairy tale lives…neither of us have and I don’t remember exactly what he said or how he said it, but he asked me why he couldn’t be my fairy tale and I said I don’t know why you couldn’t be my fairy tale, you could, you can and he said well then why don’t you let go of some of these things and let me be your fairy tale and I was like I don’t know what I’m suppose to let go of or what’s going on right now that’s why.

But it cut me like a knife to see the look on his face and hear the tone of his voice when he asked me why he couldn’t be my fairy tale. I don’t want to hurt him, but I know I probably do unintentionally with all my emotional baggage, walls and so forth that I keep up and have been taking me forever to take down or let go of so that I can let him in. Well and I’m scared of letting him in completely because of some things that happened between us at the beginning of the year/last year that we’re still working through the effects of having had them happen. I’m trying to figure out how to finish working through them and letting them go, but I’m having a hard time, I think with some of it and need some extra outside help from my counselor.

Well and then he was asking me last night what was wrong and telling me that he knows something is wrong and that I’m scared of something, but he doesn’t know what it is that I’m scared of. I’m not even completely sure what it is that I am afraid of right now…I think I’m afraid of more than one thing though and those fears, well, most, if not all of them are in connection to my past. I mean I’m afraid of making a mistake where I end up in a failed marriage again…I’m afraid I’m not capable of making the right choice. I’m afraid of giving all as in 100% trust to things and finding out I placed my trust in the wrong place. I’m afraid of being intimate with someone again…I think even a part of me is afraid of having children again…even though that’s what I want more than anything because of the emotions that will probably come up when I have children of my own and raise them. I’m also afraid of getting married and the off chance that I’ll have fertility problems or something like that.

With the fear of being intimate with someone again when I was thinking about all this last night and trying to sort through it all and talk with the boy to help him understand some of where I’m coming from and so forth, I had the memories and thoughts come to mind of how I was pressured and forced into sex so many times and felt or was raped by my ex-husband at least once that comes to mind vividly when the thought comes to mind as well as by the psycho ex that tried to suddenly contact me the other day. I experienced dissociation and PTSD in the past and suppose I still do sometimes and I don’t know I was wondering if I’m going to have to tell the boy about some of this because I haven’t told him about my fear of intimacy because of these reasons with having been pressured/coerced into sex or being raped/feeling like I was raped by two of the guys in my past. I just haven’t thought I needed to tell him or felt the need to tell him yet, but maybe I will have to tell him some of this…I don’t know, I guess we’ll see.

Well and then with my past experiences, I’ve always tried hard, tried to make the guys happy and work through things and what not, but no matter how hard I tried, how much I did or how much I loved the guys in my past…they always left me so I have this other stupid fear that no matter how hard I try or what I do or how much I love that Cory will leave me too because it’s too hard to be with someone like me with all my emotional baggage and such. I know most of these fears and such make no sense and are irrational, but they’re there for me to deal with nonetheless. Then there’s my irrational thinking that I sometimes think it’s not fair to Cory to be with someone like me and that he deserves to be with someone other than me that doesn’t have my past or my emotional baggage.

I know it’s totally irrational thinking and I shouldn’t think it…I really don’t have much if any foundation to give valid reason to think irrationally like this, but I am, for some reason thinking that way and need to figure out why and straighten out my thinking again. I mean Cory’s still with me and trying to work through things with me and help me figure things out and he told me last night how much he loves me and always will love me no matter what and that he’s there for me so he is the guy that I want and that I love so what is my problem anyway…

This is why, among other reasons, I need to go talk to my counselor and get some help figuring things out…hopefully he’ll be back from his vacation when I go in to talk to him again this week.

Edited to add a little update here:  I was talking with the boy again tonight about this, that and the other and he mentioned something to the effect so that I know I did mention or tell him in the past about the rape/being pressured and coerced into sex issues.  I had forgotten that I told or mentioned it to him because it was so long ago that I mentioned it to him, but today was a better day and I’m feeling better and more positive about things again.  I’ve pinpointed more about where the trust and confidence issues are from somewhat and know that it just needs some time for me to get those feelings back again and going to counseling and some other things I’m going to do in the next couple weeks will help me progress and get back there where I need and want to be quicker so just have to keep holding on a little longer here :).

Some News

Well, it’s nothing huge, but my boyfriend and I have pretty much decided that we’re going to leave the University we’ve been attending and transfer back to the other college we were at before, which is a state college that will be most likely changing to a University within the next year or so.

Actually, I already withdrew just before the spring break from the University for a variety of reasons.  That decision was coming for a while now…I wasn’t liking the University much at all here and then I had that experience with that stupid teacher and all.  Then there’s the fact that this University wants us to take more stupid general ed type classes when we already did general ed and had our Associates degrees when we transferred here, but for whatever reason the stupid University was trying to make it so we’d end up adding a year to our school time to get our Bachelors degrees and neither of us like that fact very much plus some other things.

We both like the location, the small town and the people and our church and all up here, but the University, the class size, the teachers, etc., neither of us really are impressed with and liked those things better at our previous college so we’ve pretty much decided to transfer back there this coming fall.  I’ve already been readmitted to the previous college and he’s going to be readmitted and then we’re going to start looking at and signing up for fall classes as soon as we can.  With going back down to our home area and this previous college, we’ll be able to get done sooner with our degrees if we want and have better experience with the classes and teachers and all at that college compared to this University.  Also there is more jobs available down there, I think, then there is up here in this small town with this University so that’s what we’re planning to do for the fall now.

I’ll be looking to try and find a place for us to live that I’ll live in by myself for fall semester so then he can just move in with me after we’re married in December.  I’m also going to be looking for a job/summer job up here now that I’m no longer in school at present, but still trying to stick it out in this apartment until my lease is up in August.  I was planning to look for and get a job/summer job anyway, but I’m just going for it sooner now and not going to be wanting a job for longer than August since I’ll be moving back down home to find a place and go back to the other college for fall semester.

There is always the chance that something might change, but this is what our plans are looking like now and if I don’t find a good job/summer job up here that ends in August then I may have to see about breaking my lease and moving back down to home area sooner to find a job down there instead for the summer.  I’ll have to see how it goes in the next little while here.

I have to pay back some financial aid this week and take care of a few things with selling books back etc. now that the process is finished of my being withdrawn from the University.  Then I have to start looking for a job more, start figuring things out for fall here and there and I’m still in the process of trying to sell my wedding dress on e-bay and figure out ideas and things for the wedding in December.  I know I still have time to take care of some of these things, but these are just things that are coming up, being talked about and we’re starting to discuss and plan more lately.

We have also pretty much decided that we’re planning to get married in the LDS Manti Temple, which you may or may not remember my posting as one of the three choices we were talking about at one point.  We’re also sticking to sometime in December for the Wedding and still figuring out other things and still have plenty of time to plan all that.

He’s still going off to do his summer job in California selling alarm systems to people for about 3 1/2 months and he’ll be leaving the first of May so we’ll be apart working for this summer.  I’m planning to go visit him in California for, hopefully, a week, probably in July sometime to go see him, see Harry Potter 5 with him, see some of Cali and have a break =).  So, things are starting to change and get planned and talked about as time goes on here so things are moving along =).