Could This Dream Mean Something?

I had a dream last night that was interesting…but I don’t know if it means anything or not…it was just weird…

Anyway, I dreamed that I went to an agency or somewhere like that and found a bunch of info about my birth nephew in a cupboard or something.  Then I was talking to my sister in the dream and she opened up a package or something of some sort that was suppose to have info on my birth nephew and there was his name and then also where he lived and a phone number.

My sister told me in my dream that there she opened the package and there was some info for me if I wanted to find out about my birth nephew, but I don’t know the dream was disjointed and weird like a lot of my dreams often are…so I don’t know if it meant anything or not.

It was just weird to have this dream pop up because I haven’t talked much about my birth nephew lately…for a while in the past I used to try to think what to do to see if I could find my birth nephew or what to do since my sister doesn’t really want to find him…I mean she seems to be okay with the idea of him finding her, but doesn’t want to seek him out or anything.  I’ve tried putting info up or thought of what to do to make it easy for him to find us, if he wanted, but I don’t know…it’s just weird that this dream popped up last night.

I haven’t had info out there actively or anything for him to find for a while because I was on a website and one of my psycho exes found me so I took myself and info off that website and haven’t thought about or done anything else in a while.

Oh but the dream got stranger because I remember a name from it like Brian or something and wouldn’t it be weird if that was actually my birth nephew’s first name or something and I remember something about Arizona or something…which would be weirder if he and/or his adoptive family really did live in AZ.

Then in the dream, my cell phone, I think it was, anyway a phone rang and it was a lady asking if we’d found the info on my birth nephew and checking to make sure we had the right phone number to call so we could talk to him and/or his adoptive family, then we talked for a minute on the phone in my dream and then hung up.

I remember having an interesting conversation with my sister in my dream about whether to call/find/reunite with my birth nephew and her birth son or not because I was nervous about it because I was nervous about what it’s going to be like when I meet and talk with my girls again when they’re older too…I don’t know…like I said the dream was interesting to say the least, but it’s stuck with me today and made me wonder if there’s some meaning to it…I don’t know…what do you think?

Anyway, just some rambling, wandering thoughts to think about for myself…

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Things are a little crazy ha ha!

That’s putting it mildly…but yeah what do I expect when I’m planning my wedding and dealing with life etc….ya know =P.

So, let’s see we’ve got half, well, actually more than half of the wedding planned so far, which is good considering the fact that it’s coming up really fast and I’m kinda freakin out and having stress about it among general things in life.

It keeps sinking in on different levels that I’m actually getting married, but it’s still kinda surreal and all, if ya know what I mean.

I still have quite a bit to do for having done as much as I have though…this week’s going to be busy…I have to look/decide on my wedding dress, wedding cake, work on invitations, go to the dr./clinic and my future hubby wants to look at apts for him to move into at the end of this month and then I’ll move in with him after we’re married the next month – eek!

Ya know what I think kinda freaks me out here besides that I’m actually getting married here and to my match – the perfect/best guy for me – is the reality that most likely within the next year or so here I’ll probably have a baby that will be the first one that I parent after having had and placed both my girls.

That concept and thought is kind of a weird one for me.  I mean it’s exciting and nervewracking and everything all together, if ya know what I mean.  But yeah I’m not focusing on that thought too much yet because I’m just trying to get through all the planning and the wedding etc. before I deal with the oh my gosh moment I’ll have when I find I’m pregnant at some point after being married – which will probably happen sooner than I think though, but ya never know…just focusing on the wedding and making it through the rest of the planning right now though, ya know =P.

Okay so I’m feelin a little crazy and a little all over the place with the wedding and all lately, but yeah that should be no big surprise to you, if you know me well at all ha ha =P.

Disturbed & Uneasy…

…is how I’m feeling ever since I had a kind of disturbing dream last night that woke me up…it featured my recent last boyfriend (aka the boy) in it and at first it seemed like some meaningless and harmless dream for bothering me but then it got all weird by the end of the dream when I woke up feeling uneasy and kinda freaked out.

I don’t remember everything about the dream…I just have had this lingering uneasy feeling about it and about him all day and I feel like I want to run away and hide because I’m so uneasy and I’m not sure exactly why.

I have some ideas why…but at the same time…it was only a dream so I don’t know…it just freaked me out.  If you don’t know the story about the boy and his friend yet…let me give a quick version here…his friend that I was trying to stay friends with after I broke up with the boy went weird on me with saying and asking me all sorts of things that aren’t his business through my facebook messages so it kinda got ugly the other night and I stopped responding to him and blocked him.  He started cussing and being more of a jerk toward me in his last message and the whole thing was just a mess so I left it alone, but I have suspicions that the boy was in on some of what this so called friend was saying to me in the messages although I don’t know for sure…I wouldn’t be surprised and that kind of upset me more than this friend because I thought the boy meant it when he said in the past that he cared about me and always would and then did this…but what do I expect, right…anyway.

So, part of the messages was that supposedly the boy found out I’m engaged and wanted/wants to meet with my guy and me to discuss things with us and both my guy and I and my family were all like why?  why would he or does he think he needs to meet and discuss this with us…my thoughts were I was with him for 1 1/2 years….like about 18 months and what could there possibly be left to say between him and me right now especially in regards to my getting married.  Oh and his friend also said they wonder if I’m doing this out of spite and I’m like uh hello…this isn’t about the boy/ex…this is about me and my guy and what we feel is right not about the boy.

Something that this so called friend said that is really what upset me and kind of hurt especially coming from someone I thought cared and was my friend, which apparently they’re not and maybe never were was that he said to me when I told him to basically mind his own business because I felt like he was trying to pry, being judgmental and so forth toward me that because I wanted him to back off with some of the things he was saying that meant he’s right and I’m wrong and when my guy and I get divorced, I’ll realize that they were my only true friends and the only ones who really cared about me.

Um, excuse me, but what kind of “friend” says that to someone and what kind of caring about me is that huh?  Oh and they’re such true friends…if that’s what “true friends” say and do, I don’t need or want them.  Okay so I’m a little angry right now…but you probably would be too if you were in my position.

Oh and if they’re my only “true friends” and the only ones who really care about me, then what is my family and his family or my other friends…they’re not true, they don’t care about me…um yeah right.  My family are the truest friends I have and they are the ones who care about me more than anyone except God and guess what, my family and my guy’s family and my other friends all are happy for me, they all feel good about me and my guy and us getting married…my family loves him and his family loves me and we fit together and we fit in/with each other’s families too.

So, ya know what, the “friend” and the boy are kind of outnumbered here because they are the only ones who think we need to talk, who think I might be making a rash decision, who think I’m going to end up divorced, who think I need to get their permission or something so yeah I don’t think so.

I’m half expecting the “friend” or the boy to try to contact me in some other way, but one can always hope and I was feeling disturbed and uneasy about it, but ya know what…now that I wrote this…I’m not…ya know what…now I feel like going “bring it on” because if they think they’re going to ruin anything for me, they’ve got another thing coming.

If ya wanna know how I feel go to my myspace page and listen to the first song on my play list…if you can’t get access to my myspace, the song’s called, “Give a Damn” by Jo Dee Messina” and here’s the lyrics.  I was introduced to this song by my guy and one of my best friends who had it on her myspace page the other day =).  If you haven’t heard the song, you should look it up and listen to it.  Anyway here’s the lyrics to it:

Artist/Band: Messina Jo Dee
Lyrics for Song: My Give A Damn Busted
Lyrics for Album: Other Songs

Well, you filled up my head with so many lies.
You twisted my heart till somethin’ snapped inside.
I’d like to give it one more try,
But my give-a-damn’s busted.

You can crawl back home, say you were wrong;
Stand out in the yard and cry all night long.
Well, go ahead and water the lawn:
My give-a-damn’s busted.

I really wanna care.
I wanna feel somethin’.
Let me dig a little deeper:.
No, sorry: nothin’.

You can say you’ve got issues, you can say you’re a victim.
It’s all your parents fault, after all you didn’t pick ’em.
Maybe somebody else has got time to listen:
My give-a-damn’s busted.

Well, your therapist says it was all a mistake:
A product of the Prozac an’ your co-dependent ways.
So who’s your neighbor these days?
My give-a-damn’s busted.

I really wanna care.
I wanna feel somethin’.
Let me dig a little deeper:.
No, still nothin’.

It’s a desperate situation, no tellin’ what you’ll do.
If I don’t forgive you, you say your life is through.
C’mon, gimme somethin’ I can use:
My give-a-damn’s busted.

Well, I really wanna care.
I wanna feel somethin’.
Let me dig a little deeper:
No, I’m sorry.
Just nothin’, you know.
You’ve really done it this time, ha, ha.
My give-a-damn’s busted.

So, there ya have it.  I gotta run and get some things done.

It’s One of Those Dates…

That triggers something for me sometimes still…August 11…it’s been 7 years now since I got married the first time on August 11 in 2000, which ended in divorce in 2001.  The divorce was final by the judge on June 1, 2001 after I had kicked my ex-husband out in April, I believe it was.

Anyway, this date of August 11 still has some triggers and emotions for me even after all this time…it’s lessened a lot and I’ve moved forward with my life and let go of a lot, but there’s still some things there from that first marriage.  I always think maybe one of these years I won’t notice the date of August 11 and it will go by me without me noticing at all, but that hasn’t quite happened yet.

Right now though, this date is something I still notice and remember to an extent.  I remember how happy I was, innocent and naive getting married on this day 7 years ago…only to have it all fall to pieces almost immediately after I married.  Anyway, I remember my first wedding and everything…the whole bittersweet thing sometimes still especially on this date of August 11.

I find myself specifically at times around this date each year, remembering my ex-husband, and wondering if he’s changed at all since I was with him.  If he’s figured out and/or found any kind of real happiness for himself in his life with anyone else or not and I do know because of happening on some information by chance once about two years ago or so that he has a son by some ex-girlfriend of his and that he hasn’t married again since we divorced and he’s still looking for happiness and hasn’t changed much at all.

I hope that someday he’ll be able to figure out and find some real happiness for himself in his life and change himself for the better.  But he’s not my problem anymore so I don’t dwell on it anymore, but these thoughts pass through my head nonetheless on this date of August 11.

I guess you could say that to an extent I still grieve for my failed marriage and some things on the date of August 11.  Well and perhaps I think more about it sometimes like this year and last year because I’m heading toward another marriage with another man, who’s totally different and so much better, wonderful and well fitted for me than my first was.

So, perhaps I have thought a little more about my first marriage and my first husband because I’ve found someone else to have happiness with and to be with and since I’ve figured some things out and been able to find happiness and a second chance at a happy, successful marriage in the future with someone now, I hope for my first husband to find the same for himself some day.

Just some random thoughts I’ve had in my head today, I guess and some emotions etc. that I’m not quite sure how to express or what to say here other than what I’ve said.

It’s the whole thing, I guess, with having lost and letting go of one dream to find and have another better dream now.

I’ll Be a Good Wife and Mother!

There’s times when someone says something special and compliments you that sticks with you and then helps you to see that what they say is actually true and not just something said to make you feel good.

The boy said this to me the other day and he’s said a few times, but every time he says it, I feel more truth and confidence about the saying being true, ya know.

I just was thinking about this the other day and he is right, ya know…I will be a dang good wife and mother because of what I’ve been through and because of who I am.  I’ll be that much better at being a wife because of what I learned from going through my first bad marriage as well as what I know and have learned growing up and in life.  I’ll also be that much better of a mother because of the fact that I had and placed my first two girls and because of what I’ve learned about being a mother from going through that and keeping in contact with both my girls families.  As well as the fact that I’ll be a good mother simply because of what I know and have learned growing up and in life as well.

Of course, I’ll still make mistakes and keep learning how to be a better/good wife and mother, but he’s right, I already will be a pretty dang good wife and mother from where I am, who I am and what I know right now too.  It’s nice to start feeling more confidence and truth in that about myself and to hear that from others too, ya know :).  It helps with the much needed healing I’m working on for myself.

I Don’t Like Sleeping…

Okay so I decided after waking up from my bad dream/nightmare that I don’t like sleeping very much right now.  Seriously, I sometimes wish I didn’t have to sleep at all.  I dream too much sometimes, I think and I don’t know where some of these dreams come from, ya know.

I had a really weird, pretty bad dream last night about my boyfriend and stuff.  It was just totally weird cause it didn’t make sense and it really disturbed me and I woke up crying and all distraught, which I don’t think has happened in a while, but yeah I wish I could just not dream sometimes, if ya know what I mean.

Anyway, a brief version of my bad dream was that I dreamed that my sister and family from California came and took my car and I was upset because then I didn’t have a car or any way to get around to school and stuff right.  I was all upset, ranting and raving about them taking/trying to take my car from me and then I found out that my Dad had said they could take it because he needed the money or something to do with money and I was so ticked off in my dream.

In my dream, I started ranting, raving, screaming, cussing and basically throwing a major fit about it all and I was all distraught over them trying to take my car and what I should do and my boyfriend was standing there watching me throw my fit and everyone in my dream was trying to talk to me to calm me down and I wouldn’t let them.  Well after a while of my throwing a fit in my dream, my sister and family drove off in my car and left me crying and totally stressed out about what I was going to do without my car etc. etc. and how I was going to get to school etc. now and so forth and then my boyfriend got mad at me and gave me a note and left.

I tried to read his note in my dream and couldn’t make sense of it and then I turned to talk to him and he was gone, running off and leaving me.  I took off after him to try to talk to him or have him tell me what the note said and why he was upset about my throwing a fit or what not.  Finally I caught up to him and asked him to explain to me his note etc. and he said well, I don’t know what I was thinking…I must have been blindsided or something right to think I should be with you and then he said you better propose to me now before I leave and start talking or I don’t know if I’m going to stick around.

I was all confused, totally upset and everything at him in my dream when he said that and I said, what are you talking about you just proposed (well informally) to me the other day and we’ve already been discussing when to get married and all this stuff and now you’re going to leave me cause I threw a fit over losing my car etc. and he was like yeah because I think you’re too bratty, selfish and I don’t like that you’re all cussing like you were when you got upset.  I was like are you kidding me what the heck and he was like no, I think I was just blinded by love and I shouldn’t have let it get this far or asked you to marry me and so forth and I’m sorry I don’t know anymore.  I was dying in my dream and I’m still feeling kind of disturbed and all distraught after this dream and I can’t believe how I felt when I woke up from my very bad dream with tears streaming down my face…that hasn’t happened in quite a while.

I woke up from the sucky, way bad dream and looked around to see where I was and reassure myself the dream and all wasn’t real.  I really wanted and wished Cory was there when I woke up to hold me, calm me down and tell me it was all okay and just as stupid dream of nonsense, but he wasn’t there, of course and I haven’t seen or talked to him yet today so I’ve been on and off with this stupid dream in my head today – it sucks when I have dreams like that sometimes!!!

Well and just so you know, in real life and not dumb dream land, he did, in fact, actually informally propose to me the other  night – Sunday night and we have, in fact, been discussing when to get married and so forth recently.  I also, just last night, was thinking how lucky I was to have him and how I still don’t know how I got so lucky to find someone like him that matches me so well.

I was also thinking last night about how I don’t always know if I deserve him or someone like him who’s never been married before and so forth because I never thought I’d be with any guy except someone who’d already been married, widowed, had kids from their previous marriage or something like that.  I just never thought that any guy would want to be with me let alone marry me that hadn’t been married before and so forth like him.

I guess you could say that I always use to kind of feel and label myself to be ‘damaged goods’ and ‘used’ in my mind so I use to always think I’d have to marry whoever would take me even if they weren’t that good because I’ve my thinking (well, when I use to think a lot) of myself as ‘damaged goods’.  Where that thinking use to come from or why it use to be how I thought all the time – I don’t know.

Sometimes though that stupid little voice still tries to surface and make me wonder if I really deserve to be with someone like him because I sometimes think he’s so much better than me and that sometimes I wonder if he deserves better than me, but then I have to remind myself that is the old way of thinking and not the way I should or usually do think now, right.  I mean, it’s a work in progress and so forth, but I usually don’t dwell or think about those things as much nowadays, but every once in a while it creeps back into my mind and causes me to pause sometimes and think how did I (as in someone like me) end up with someone so great like him, ya know.

Okay, I know enough with the stupid little voice crap and I shouldn’t think that at all, I know…It just surfaces every once in a while still and I have to keep working on keeping up with ignoring it :p.

Wedding Thoughts

I know…big surprise…my having ‘wedding thoughts’ here ha ha.

It’s still a ways off and everything, but here’s 3 of the places I’ve thought of when thinking of getting married…

Where would you rather get married if it was you?

Here in Utah

Las Vegas  or

San Diego, California

Those are three places that have been mentioned and it would/will probably be happening in Fall/Winter time like December for example so which one would you choose?