And I’m Back Again

Yep, here I am making another appearance after some time…thinking about trying to blog a little more again…just that I keep getting sidetracked with life and everything else going on so I don’t always stop and blog like I use to anymore.

Anyway, some of you know, but our little girl is about to turn 2 years old this month already and she really keeps us on our toes all the time…I don’t know how she just keeps going and going sometimes lol.

And everything’s good for the most part with the two daughters I placed for adoption except the older one, my first daughter I placed, her adad, who is now divorced from the amom and has been for quite some time is an idiot and is accusing her amom of endangering her, which is just dumb so they’re going to do another hearing in court cause the adad is an idiot.

Also, I just lost/miscarried identical twins a little bit ago that I feel were boys so I/we are going through that process and getting ready to try again for another baby in a few months or so.  So, yeah all sorts of fun and ups and downs of life going on here lately.

I have more insight and things to share and write later on grief and similarities between miscarriage and adoption, but I haven’t quite formulated all my thoughts the way I want to write/share them just yet, but I’m going to try to come back and blog the rest again as soon as I can/when I can and see about trying to get back into some more writing for my books too.

Long Overdue Update…

…I know…since I got pregnant I’ve been not blogging as often as I use to cause I was sick so much and then cause I’ve been a little busier since I’m now a Mommy trying to keep up with things, have relaxation time and take care of my little 8 mo old monkey girl.

It’s amazing how different things are once you’re parenting your own child and I really don’t know how people do it without someone to help them cause I couldn’t do it without my awesome husband and all my family too.

Anyway there’s quite a few things I’ve thought about blogging about or meant to blog about but then I get sidetracked usually by my Lil Monkey or things that need to be done and what not.

So, I’m trying to get things more settled into a routine and all so I still haven’t figured out when or how often I may or may not blog, but it’s still something I plan to do when I can until I get more regular with it and so forth.

Anyway, I love being a mom and not just a birthmom…I love, appreciate and cherish my lil monkey so much more since I had and placed my Lil Bookworm – 9 and Sweet Pea – 7. Being a mom to my Lil Monkey now has reaffirmed to myself that I did the right thing when I placed both my girls…not that I needed the reaffirmation, but it’s been there the same looking at things and how they’ve panned out and how it is for me parenting my baby girl now.

Things with both my girls and each of their families is still really going really good and improving even more lately in our relationships. Hubby and I are planning to meet up and hang out with my 9 yr old’s mom and her new husband sometime hopefully in July. It’s been a little while since we’ve hung out with my 7 yr old’s parents but I recently talked/e-mailed online with both my girls moms and have seen some pics and heard some updates…both my girls and their families have been pretty busy lately too with things though.

I did find out recently that if my 9 yr old’s adad – her mom’s ex – wasn’t such a pain…I would most likely be seeing my 9 yr old in person and having a bit more of a one on one relationship with her already but cause of him being dumb I haven’t seen my 9 yr old in person just yet. I have talked to my 9 yr old online every so often and I know from her telling me and her mom telling me that my 9 yr old really wants to and would love to see me, hang out with me and so forth, but her adad – the ex had it put into their divorce agreement that he’s suppose to be able to know about all communication between myself and my 9 yr old and here’s where he makes things a little complicated….he had it put in their divorce agreement that if my 9 yr old’s mom invites me over to see/hang out with my 9 yr old without him knowing he’ll try to get her (the amom) put into contempt so he has to okay it/give his permission or at least know about it or something for me to be able to see my 9 yr old so yeah he’s being dumb.

But it’s only a matter of time before I’ll see my 9 yr old no matter what the adad is doing or not doing, ya know…it’s only a matter of time before I’ll see both my girls and start having more one on one relationships with them. It’ll happen when it’s meant to no matter what the adad or whoever does or doesn’t do, ya know.

So, yeah other than that I’m taking free online classes in subjects that interest me, working on doing better with diet/exercise and balancing everything and keeping in touch with both my girls and their families.

I’m also feeling more like myself again even though I’m a mom now and things were thrown out of wack for a while and they’re still not all back to normal but getting there and getting to and accepting the new normal with being a mom and parenting my first now. It’s all good…my 8 month old just started crawling about a week ago on the day she turned 8 months old and she’s really getting the hang of moving now and eating all sorts of new things in addition to still having her bottles and such. She has two bottom teeth and is working on cutting two top teeth now and she weighs 18 lbs right now and she’s still pretty tall for her age and she reminds me a lot of myself and my 7 yr old in how she looks/acts/personality sometimes too.

So, yeah things are good and not perfect of course but we’re working on things and slowly but surely getting the hang of it all with some days being better than others but then that’s how life usually goes :D.

Things I’m Thankful for…

Since it’s Thanksgiving in a few days, I thought I’d do a post on what I’m grateful for…although there’s too many to list and some that I don’t know that there’s words or the right words to say what I’m grateful for…I’ll try to write all or mos of things down I can think of that I’m blessed with in my life.

For the Lord and all the many, many countless blessings He has given me and continues to give me each and every day of my life. For His unconditional love and patience and mercy and understanding and forgiveness etc. that he gives me and shows to me each day of my life. For His atonement.

For being able to go to church and for temples and for being able to feel of the Lord’s spirit and His love for me each and every day.

For prayer and being able to communicate with the Lord and be comforted and strengthened by Him.

I’m grateful to be alive and to have good health and strength.

For modern medicine and all the treatments, cures and such that they have for so many things so that we can all be healthy.

For my totally amazing and awesome husband, He’s my perfect match and my best friend and so many awesome things.

For my family – I have good parents and siblings…especially glad I have my amazing Dad.

For my family that I’ve started with my husband now…I love our little baby girl so, so much already and she can be a handful and time consuming etc. at 4 weeks old, but she brings me/us so much joy that my heart is always so full and happy when I look at her and think of how lucky I am to have her and my husband/best friend in my life. I’m so glad I went through all the bad I did to get to the good and these amazing blessings that I have in my life like my husband and our baby girl.

For my other two beautiful and amazing daughters and their families that I placed them with…I love them and their families so much and am so grateful for all their love and support and the awesome friendships/relationships I have with them that are continuing to grow and develop in such positive ways.

For technology and all the awesome, fun things that are out there with gadgets etc. and the others that are being invented and for all the great ways we can use technology for spiritual things, life, fun, games, schooling and so many other things.

For all the fun games and things that we can play and do with all our family and friends.

For all the enrichment and fulfillment that comes from accomplishing goals, setting them, reaching them and being able to change for the better and expand our knowledge from all the multitude of books that there are to read, enjoy and learn from about so many incredible things.

For being able to have so many talents to share and to develop as well as new talents/skills to learn.

For all my strengths and weaknesses that teach me and help me to grow in many, many ways.

For all the trials and tribulations in my life that I’ve had/have/will have and all the things I’ve learned/continue to learn/and will learn from having my faith tried and tested to help me grow and learn to help myself, my family, friends and others.

For my ability to write and write well with practice and help from the Lord when I want/feel the need or desire to write poetry, stories and other things.

For my opportunity to serve a mission for the LDS church and to spread the word of the God to others and for all the countless opportunities I have had and will continue to have for so many incredible and wonderful things to experience and learn and grow from in my life.

For being able to have food, water and shelter and the things that I and our little family are in need of each and every day during this time when it isn’t always easy with finances and our economy.

For all my wonderful family and friends everywhere around the world that have helped me and continue to help me, set such great examples for me and be such incredible and good family and friends to me.

For all the things outside that make our world so beautiful with trees, mountains, grass, lakes, oceans and all the beautiful nature and wildlife/animals around us and pets that we’re able to have in our homes.

For cars to drive and use as transportation. For being able to be in a pretty safe area to live and to be able to have the Lord help watch over us and protect us each day along with being able to lock our doors and do what we can do to keep ourselves safe.

For being able to stay warm with heaters and cool with air conditioners in the winter and the summer.

For the moisture we receive with snow and rain that we need and for the beauty that comes with/whenever it snows and/or rains.

And for so many, many other things…but I’m going to end this for now and if I think of something else I want/need to add to this post during the rest of this week/month…then I’ll come back otherwise hope everyone else has a fantastic week and a delicious Thanksgiving with all their family and/or friends.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Hope it’s all you hope for and that your hearts as well as your stomachs will be full and you will be happy and full of gratitude :).

 

ETA:  I did send a birthday present to my daughter, who turned 7 yrs old yesterday and talked to her mom a few days ago also so I didn’t forget Sweet Pea, her birthday or that she’s already 7 years old now…where does the time keep going…but I was otherwise occupied most of her birthday yesterday taking care of our little miss wiggles who turned 4 weeks old yesterday.  I also decided that if I feel sad or ever feel the need to be sad/upset etc. around Sweet Pea’s (7) birthday or Miss Bookworm’s (8 1/2) birthday…I’ll be sad or what not on the day I placed them not on their birthdays because the day when the sadness/hard feelings came was on the days that I placed my two girls not on the days they were born…but this year I haven’t felt as much sadness about Sweet Pea…I think because of how things are changing with my having and parenting a daughter with my husband now and because of how good my relationship/friendship is and has been with Sweet Pea’s family and all.

I’ve been ‘missing’ from blogland…

but here I am again checking in. I’ve had an interesting year so far with the pregnancy and everything else in life. There’s just too much that’s gone on…it seems like and at the same time…the same old, same old…anyway…I don’t know how often I’ll be blogging or what this blog may or may not be morphing into here…but I’ll try to get back into blogging on a somewhat more regular basis along with getting back to a more regular life routine again in this next year.

I make no promises about my blogging right now though since I just had my baby girl…she’s 2 weeks old tomorrow and I’m still in the early recovery stages and figuring out life/back to a more normal routine with hubby and a baby now.

It’s definitely very different having a baby and raising them instead of placing them…that much is obvious already and it’s a great thing too. I’ve been thinking of blogging for a little bit now but didn’t know what to say so there’s still more I’ll probably say another time or something, but for now this post will have to do for an update here.

I didn’t have the easiest pregnancy with how sick I was on and off and everything and then because Lil Miss Wiggles decided she wasn’t going to fully cooperate so she was breech and I had to have a C-section…it’s an interesting story/experience the way it happened really…but I’ll do that detailed story another time.

She’s adorable and gorgeous and melts your heart…she’s already the one ‘in charge’ of me and her Daddy over here right now…at least for now she is. We’re definitely smitten with her and despite the ups/downs and all of this year etc…we’re a little happy family now…we’ve started into the official family stage now and it’s not always going to be easy and it’s definitely an adjustment for us, but it’s so worth it.

As for the adoption front, I had a good long talk with my 8 yr old’s amom just a couple weeks before Lil Wiggles was born and either at the end of this month of November or in December, Hubby and I are going to schedule to hang out/meet up with my 8 yr old’s mom and hubby that she just married in June since she divorced the adad a while back as you may remember. Also we’re going to schedule to hang out/meet up with my 6 yr old’s parents…my 6 yr. old is turning 7 this month if you can believe that, I know it blows my mind that she’s turning 7 and the other will be turning 9 in March of this next year.

So, things on the adoption front are still going pretty good and improving with the scheduling to meet up with my 6 yr old’s parents so they can see our Lil Miss Wiggles, which we’ve hung out with them as often as possible before, but the big step is for us meeting up for the first time with my 8 yr old’s mom and new hubby…cause it will be the first time I’ve seen my 8 yr. old’s mom in 8 years and the first time I’ve met this new hubby of hers and the first time she’ll meet my hubby too…so we’re excited and nervous…but moving toward some more openness with meeting up with both my girls aparents is what I want to help our relationships and for when my girls start having more one on one interaction with me through e-mail/talking/meeting me or what have you.

So, yes my life’s been a little crazy and up and down recently this past year and my whole life’s been totally up and down and never quite what I planned, but it’s all worked out to this point and it will all work out in the end, otherwise it’s not the end…at least I think that’s how that saying goes.

But I would do my life the exact same even with all the crappy parts and the heartache and the hard times all over again and again because of the happy parts and the awesome parts and the rewards for going through the hard time and because it was all worth it to end up here with my awesome, amazing Hubby and my adorable angel baby girl that’s here with me now all the time always and forever :).

ETA: Forgot to say the stats for Lil Miss Wiggles birth…she was born on Oct. 24, 2011 at 6:45 p.m. She weighed 8 lbs 2 oz and was 20 in long. She’s healthy and doing really well. She just had her 2 wk well baby check up this past Friday and has gained 3 oz. and grown 1/2 inch in about 2 wks and everything checks out with her and so far everything checks out with me for my progress at 2 wks of recovering from the C-section…no infection or anything wrong with the incision and it’s healing nicely…no stitches, I had staples, which they removed in the hospital and then put glue and tape- the steri-strip tape stuff on it and the Dr. took the tape off of it when he checked me out after we finished the 2 wk checkup on baby. Lil Wiggles has her next appt in 6 wks and mine for my 6 wk last check up until I’m pregnant again or need to see the Dr. again is in about a month to make sure I’m done healing and everything’s good to go all the way back to normal again for now. So things are going as they should with my healing/recovering and our adjusting with baby and all and we’re good :).

Here’s What I Know!

I’m pregnant…5 weeks along…I don’t have any exact due date yet…they gave me the due date area of Oct. 21 to Oct. 28 so…last week of October/around Halloween I’ll have my first with my Hubby .

Yay!!! I just went to the Dr.’s this afternoon and got the positive pregnancy test and info but don’t start going to regular checkups for about another month.

So, around Halloween this year Hubby and I will have a little goblin he hee.

I’m still waiting to talk to my girl’s moms….I can’t wait to talk to them about it…I keep waiting for them to show up online and wishing I had their phone numbers…I did have them, but switched to a new phone so don’t have the numbers again yet .

I’ll update more as I know more and have more time…lots of people to tell and it’s been a little crazy sharing the news today :D.

I am Me…

Completely and totally…again…all the way being and feeling myself again…don’t know how to describe it really…it’s more of a feeling and I’ve been so happy since feeling all the way like myself again and where I’m suppose to be in life, doing what I’m doing and back on track from all the hard times, dragging myself somedays and at rock bottom sometimes especially all the crap I went through in the past 11 years.

From coming home on cloud nine after serving an LDS mission to Uruguay and crashing to the bottom with marrying, being abused and then divorcing my first husband, which seems like another lifetime and such a faint memory now, to getting involved with more loser type guys and having and placing my two girls and going up and down on the rollercoaster of life and planning to marry one guy after being together for around a year and a half to ending up with the best guy for me that I’m with now…it’s been an amazing rollercoaster of life these past 11 years and most of them/ a lot of the time I’ve been down and fighting my way back to the top from all my hits and times spent at rock bottom.

I never thought I’d feel this way again…all the way myself again back in tune with the Lord, His Spirit and everything else…but after all the crap and heck of a long rollercoaster ride, I guess is one way to put the past 11 years…I feel like I did 11 years ago before I went through everything I did except that now all those things are incorporated into me and my life and I can and do still feel all the way happy and like myself again.

It’s so awesome and amazing to look at where I was, what I went through and to where I am now and see how the Lord has helped me and been with me through the whole thing.

Anyway, I don’t know how to explain it in words just right more than this right now…other than I’m just so freakin happy about this monumental progress and return to myself/completely being myself right now.

I’m going to see about finding a song or two that helps to describe and express more of what I’m feeling in regards to this post and all.

Happy New Year!!!

Happy New Year everyone!!! 2011 is going to be a good year…I have a good feeling about it.

Hope everyone’s had good times for the Holidays. We had a visit with Sweet Pea’s parents last night, just us two and her mom and dad…we hung out, played some Wii games, talked, Sweet Pea’s mom showed me some home movies and pictures too…I saw the home movie of Sweet Pea (6) finishing the scavenger hunt that Sweet Pea’s mom did to tell Sweet Pea and her sister about their trip to Disneyland…which they’re going end of Jan/beginning of Feb.

It’ll be Sweet Pea’s first time to Disneyland and she’s WAY excited for it lol. I watched the home movie and couldn’t stop smiling and laughing at Sweet Pea running around and bouncing up and down all so freakin excited for Disneyland. It was awesome to see the little home movie of her reaction to finding out about their trip to Disneyland and the way her face lit up and was so full of joy and happiness…it’s seeing and hearing about things like that with Sweet Pea (6) as well as Miss Bookworm (7 1/2) that I absolutely LOVE and continually remind and give me peace of mind about them doing so well, being so loved and everything with their families.

Anyway, Hopefully Hubby will be getting a job soon and it’s a job he’d like doing and not just a job to earn money so we’re keeping our fingers crossed for that plus he’s doing great with his online schooling also.

So, we’re doing good, hanging in there and had a great Christmas and New Years etc. Hoping for things to keep going well and improve so here’s to 2011 being a great year :).

Just Had to Say…

I read this entry, The Birthmom I Want to Be, from another awesome blogger and it struck a chord with me.

Everything in that post that was written by the blogger, A Life Being Lived over at Carrying a Cat by the Tail and quoted from the book, Lifegivers: Framing The Birthparent Experience In Open Adoption by: James L. Gritter is true and made a lot of sense to me to read.

I placed Sweet Pea and Bookworm, 6 and 7 1/2 years ago and pretty much everything that’s said/quoted in that entry is pretty much true of me and who I am today and how I am today. Somedays are better than others…but most of the time and for the most part I am that birthmom described in that entry. Some of those things are always a work in progress and such.

I just have to say, I read that entry and went Wow that’s pretty much me and how I am and look at life etc. now and it was just Wow to read someone write that so well. I definitely have to get and read that book now…yes I haven’t read it though I’ve been thinking about it for a while but haven’t done it yet.

I definitely want to read that book even more now and makes me think I need to work some more on getting myself more comfortable with the idea and all of going back to sharing my experiences at high schools or what not.

It was just something that goes with some more healing/another layer of grieving with adoption and some other things from my past as well that fit with where I am right now and that was good for me to read/hear.  I read that and realized that even though I’m still not perfect (won’t be until after I’m dead most likely :p) and have wondered if I’m on the right track with life and things at times, that I am doing the right thing and the best I can for me.  Reading that told me that I’m doing at least some of it right with doing my best to navigate life as a birthmom having placed two daughters.

It’s just good, once in a while, to have some positive reinforcements and validation from other sources outside of family and close friends that you are on the right track, if ya know what I mean.

Reading that entry, along with some other thoughts/emotions etc. I experienced recently, they were all the validation and reminders I needed that I know the Lord sent me to help me continue to grow and learn as He wants me to from this experience and in this life.

Sweet Pea is 6 years old today.

It’s her birthday again…already…I can’t believe she’s 6 years old now, well technically, she turns 6 at 5:01 p.m., but that’s just a technicality :p. Time just keeps on flying by, it seems.

She’s in Kindergarten now and doing awesome with school and everything. She mentioned me for the first time to her mom, asking about me and seeing me.

She’s so cute and getting to be such a big girl already. And things are still going great and continually staying good/improving with my relationship/friendship with Sweet Pea’s parents/family and everything.

Unfortunately I didn’t get to go to the Boutique jewelry event and see Sweet Pea’s mom like I had hoped to do because of both Hubby and I being sick…yes, still.

Although Hubby and I are starting to feel somewhat better now and hopefully we’ll finish getting better and stay better, but we’ll see how things go with that.

I have decided though, side note here, that this time of year (Thanksgiving time and all etc.) and I don’t get along so well all the time. I think this time of year with the weather/germs or something has it out for me. I mean this year, I was/am sick with cold/sore throat/cough, last year was the flu, quite a few years ago I had strep throat a few times this time of year it seems, if I’m remembering right.

Then there was the year, 6 years ago, on 11-21, that I had Sweet Pea and it was all very bittersweet especially back then. So, you might see why I think this time of year doesn’t seem to like me very much.

Sweet Pea’s birthday is still somewhat bittersweet even now…but much, much less than it was back then and it varies how my emotions are on her birthday as well as every day.

I’m excited to hear if Sweet Pea likes the birthday present I sent this year because I think it’s so cute and I think/hope she’ll love it. It’s the cutest music box ever!

It’s interesting when I think about it now, but I think, in a way, I appreciate and have more joy over Sweet Pea and her Birthdays now as she keeps growing up and becoming her own little person and everything. I don’t think I had as much appreciation, joy or realization of how much joy, love and appreciation I would have for Sweet Pea when she was born and I was going through the bittersweet time.

I don’t know if that made any sense, but what I’m trying to say is that I have more love, joy and appreciation for Sweet Pea and her birthday now than I did because when she was born, I had too many emotions, a lot of them that were very hard and more negative then positive since I was seeing/feeling so much loss and pain and not as much positive, happy at that point in time back then.

Anyway, the point is that my appreciation, love and joy for Sweet Pea, herself, her birth/birthday and her family has grown and continues to grow in leaps and bounds the more time that passes and the more our friendship/relationships continue to grow in the positive, healthy way that they are growing.

I hope that Sweet Pea has the best birthday ever this year and that all her dreams come true today and always. Happy Birthday, Sweet Pea!!! I’ll be thinking of her today, sending her all my love as always with lots of hugs and kisses.