I’m Still Here

Don’t worry…if you’ve been wondering if I’m still around or not…I am still around. I just haven’t posted in a few months or so because I haven’t had or felt like I had anything pressing to write about lately.

That and I was pretty sick, like way bad and so not fun nausea/morning sickness for the past few months…I’ve just gotten over the being so sick phase and having to rely on anti-nausea medication to eat/drink within the past month.

Needless to say I’m really happy the really sick part of the pregnancy is pretty much over. Of course, I still have to watch what I eat and so forth so I don’t eat the wrong thing or what not and get sick again. I also still take my anti-nausea medication once in a blue moon if I feel it’s needed, but I’m pretty much off the medication unless absolutely necessary now so things have improved with that drastically, which I’m very grateful for cause I don’t think I could handle how sick I was for very much longer than I did.

I am/have been speculating that it might or should be a boy cause of how sick I was cause I was never that bad with either of my girls and some other random things, but I don’t know what it is yet.

But trust me, I will be finding out if it’s a boy or a girl…I’m going in for an ultrasound this coming Tues, Jun.7…next week…in just a few days.

Here’s to hoping we will be able to find out if it’s a boy or a girl on Tues :).

Other than that, there hasn’t been a ton going on…both my girls are doing good as are their families. I’ve recently talked/emailed etc with both of my girls moms within the past little while.

They’re both really excited for me and want to know what’s going on with me, Hubby and the baby as things happen and they both can’t wait to find out if I’m having a boy/girl and so forth.

Anyway, things are still going good with both my girls and their families and our relationships/friendships as far as the adoption front goes. Things are also still good with Hubby and I and now things are good/much better with me, baby and pregnancy since I’m not dying/way sick anymore.

Other than that, there’s a few other life things/family things going on here and there that are just a part of life.

So, I’m alive, I’m good and everything’s pretty much fine…and I haven’t had much to say lately on here so there ya go.

Lookie Here!

I can blog from my phone now too if I want!  Wheee, this is too much fun, all this playing and figuring out my new android phone!

So yeah I’m just a little hyper and having fun with my new gadget toy here lol.

Hope everyone’s having fun =).

Thinking About…

…well I’m thinking about quite a few things, but don’t know how to write or what exactly I want to write about them all just now.

These things have been going on/through my head for a bit now, but haven’t figured out quite how to write some of them or what to write exactly so…I’ll write some and think on it more and see if more detailed posts come later.

1. I’ve been thinking and wondering how things turned out and are going for Bookworm (7) and her mom now that I think the divorce is final and they’ve moved to their own place. I just sent a message/e-mail asking Bookworm’s mom about things so hopefully I’ll get a reply and/or talk to her on chat or something again soon to get updated.

2. It struck me the other day when I was sitting thinking about various things that not everyone always remembers that adoption is not about or not supposed to be about anyone but the child…I placed my two girls for adoption because it was about them and what I felt/thought was right and best for them not me, not my family and not anyone else. I get tired of trying to be all politically correct and respectful of everyone who may disagree with me and my choice to have placed both my girls etc. etc…and I realized it shouldn’t matter to me too much about other people and what they think…what matters is my girls and what they think and feel and what is best for them period.

3. It seems kind of strange to me, but for some reason recently…I’ve been having different kinds of revelations and/or light bulb moments that are significant especially to myself, but also somewhat to life in general and such.

4. One of these so called light bulb moments that I experienced recently that finally surfaced and I could finally make sense of it and put words to it that made sense…was not one that was particularly a ‘happy’ light bulb moment…it was in regards to my mother. I finally vocalized and discussed it with Hubby and put it into words that if I were to be completely honest/truthful with myself…my mother has a whole lot more of a part in the reasons why I placed both my girls than I have admitted or perhaps realized to myself until recently. If I’m completely truthful, my mother is at least a major third of the reasons being at least one of the three major reasons why I ended up placing both times. There is so much more to this one…it should and most likely will end up getting its own post sometime soon…once I’ve worked it out some more in my head and in talking with others.

5. I’ve been watching “Secret Life of an American Teenager” and it’s like a freakin train wreck that I can’t look away from…first they have one girl who’s 15 get pregnant, keep and parent/co-parent with the guy and now they’re having another girl that is pregnant and wanting to get an abortion. It’s just wow, so much of this emotionally charged stuff in a show, ya know and I don’t know what to think about it…sometimes I think good sometimes bad…but it definitely can be a show that has a few triggers for me to say the least, if ya know what I mean.

6. Another revelation I had in regards to my mother after all the crap with FB as I mentioned previously etc. and so on…that I discussed with Hubby as well is that we have mentioned and talked with one another before about different guidelines for my mother’s involvement in my/our children’s lives, but we also have said that we want to try to do our best so that our kids will respect my mother and not think she’s an irritating know it all witch because my sister’s kids think my mother/their grandmother is a witch and they don’t like her or respect her much at all, but my mother doesn’t seem to like or show much respect to any of my sister’s kids either. Anyway, the point is Hubby and I have mentioned previously that we want to have our kids be nice and respectful to my mother as their grandmother and not think she’s a witch, but recently when discussing my mother and such…I have come to the conclusion and mentioned to Hubby that realistically I don’t know how well or how much control we will have over our kids being and staying nice and respectful to my mother…not if she continues to act and treat myself, Hubby, and others badly as she does. We can do our best to instill the behaviors and manners to be nice and respectful to their grandmother, but overall and in the long run…it is up to my mother how my/our children will end up thinking of her and treating her…if she treats them like she treats me, they will think she’s a witch and have issues with her like I do…if she treats them nicely and with respect, they will do the same back…but it’s all up to my mother and how she treats our kids (once we have them that is…hopefully soon…).

7. I was thinking/reading on an adoption forum etc. the other day about how it is for mothers who placed their children in the closed adoption era and how some mothers kept their children secret. Also how some adoptees never get to meet their birth parents because they die before the adoptee finds them and I was comparing it…though it doesn’t compare equally…to how it is for me since I placed my two girls and have the different levels of openness that I do with each of my girls and their families, which keeps changing for the better over time. And I was talking with Hubby about it and was like interesting how it was for mothers and the children they placed back in the closed era to how it is now for me and some others who have placed recently because with myself…there’s no way I would ever think or would have ever been told to keep my girls a secret like a lot of mothers were told back in the closed era and I have two little girls and their families that I have to answer to right here and right now. I already have at least one of my girls, Bookworm, asking me things every once in a while…wanting to know if Sweet Pea (5) knows about her yet and what she likes, if they like the same things etc. and once Hubby and I do have a baby as soon as they are born/a couple years old they will start learning about their two sisters out there…of course, it will all be on their level of learning at their different ages…but I know that as soon as I have another child, both my girls, but especially the older, Bookworm, will want to know if my other child, their sibling knows about them so even if I ever thought about waiting to tell the kids I will have until they were older about Bookworm and Sweet Pea…I can’t because I have to answer to Bookworm and Sweet Pea now because we communicate and they ask questions and will ask questions as they grow up. I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like, how hard it is or was for all the mothers who placed their children in the closed era…I don’t know if I could have placed in the closed era…I really don’t…it makes all the difference in the world to me to have the levels of openness that I do with both my girls and their families and to be able to develop our relationships/friendships and keep updated on each other the way we can as we go through life instead of having to find out things from them all at once when they find me when they’re older, ya know.

So, you can see I’ve had a lot going through my head to think on lately and at least I wrote this for all these recent thoughts for now. Also…I just found a few flying ants in our kitchen…not happy about that…going to have spray, set ant traps or something cause insects of any kind, but especially flying ants is not acceptable here – nope, nope, nope :p.

Some Thoughts

I’ve been thinking of what to write for my next post/entry here on my blog and been at a loss so to speak…as in I’m in that state the last few days or so where you feel like you don’t have anything to say and at the same time you have too much to say, but don’t know which to say or write about, ya know.

I keep having different thoughts etc. running through my head as starts to lots of different possible entries, but nothing as in a whole entry comes out. It’s just partially deciding what I want/feel like writing here and what I want to write somewhere else more private and what I don’t want to write ever, but then again I’ve written and lived a lot of what I wish I didn’t write ever so who knows ya know.

For example, there’s lots of entries I could write about my mother and one about how she’s made it that much more of an irritating thing and added to some of my emotional overload at times about Miss Bookworm (7 yr. old) and the news I recently found out about her aparents getting divorced. I mean seriously my mother should learn some freaking patience already and how to give people space.

Then there’s my still processing though I’ve processed the initial shock and digestion of the details of Bookworm’s aparents divorce, but I don’t want to put that sensitive stuff out there for everyone to see and at the same time I do cause I’m just disgusted at what the adad did and everything that lead to this divorce.

And there’s this stupid weather, I mean what’s up with this seriously…snow two weeks ago and now 80 degrees. I mean seriously, does the weather have issues much or anything.

Also there’s lots of other things, more personal and otherwise etc. and my planning to apply and hopefully go back to school online this fall. There’s also about Hubby looking for work and going to a class to figure out what to do about possibly starting his own business fixing computers and such from home.

And there’s how I was thinking just a few weeks or a month ago about stopping blogging and taking a break or something, but then not long after I was thinking about that all of a sudden here I was/am again blogging all over the place again. Then I realized I’m probably not ready to take a break from blogging or anything like that now although part of me wondered if it would make any difference to anyone if I stopped blogging or not. I thought it’s no big deal if you blog or don’t blog or who reads it or doesn’t, but it does matter…well as in it matters to me if I blog or not and if I read and write what I need to or not because pretty much I write here for me.

Of course, I’ve learned that there are a few people who enjoy my blog perhaps more than I thought and I have found a lot of blogs I enjoy reading and learning from also. So, you can see I’ve had a lot of thoughts I’ve been thinking of writing, but not forming well into nice pretty complete posts so here they are all together.

Perhaps, I’ll be able to form one or more of them into its own entry in the next while…according to whatever comes to mind with these topics and thoughts that is.

Decisions, decisions hmm

Still trying to decide on nicknames or pet names to use for referring to my 5 and 7 yr. old here and not coming up with much of anything that is striking me as the nicknames that would best fit them.

I do have a few possibilities…and still looking for more. So far, here’s what I’ve thought of using:

For my 5 yr. old – Sweet Pea, Princess, Little Miss Brainy

For my 7 yr. old – Punkin/Pumpkin, Miss Bookworm, Little Miss or just Miss Brilliant

So, What do you think out of the choices I have here?

Edited to add:  I’ve decided to go with Sweet Pea for my 5 yr. old and it’s between Bookworm or Smarty Pants for my 7 yr. old…I’m not sure which one sounds better…which do you think?

Something of My Adoption Poetry

Over at Grown In My Heart, it’s Adoption Carnival time and the topic is poetry. I’ve written quite a bit of poetry, though I’m not the rhyming type…so this is just one from the past I decided to put up.

I wrote it after placing both my girls…and it’s one I used when giving presentations a few times to high school classes when giving my perspective on adoption as a mother who had placed a child/children for adoption. I haven’t written any new poetry for a while now or anything so this was one that I thought would be good to put up now and still when I read this I get kinda choked up with all the emotions and memories.

A Mother’s Kiss

When both my daughters
were born,
My heart was so full
Of joy and pain

As I looked into
Their beautiful blue eyes
I saw my blue eyes,
A piece of heaven
And myself reflected there

Such a beautiful gift
God gave me those days,
Holding my daughters,
After giving birth

Close to my heart
So they would know
How my heart beat
Just for them

And how my heart
Would belong
To them
Now and for always

Such precious time
I spent with my girls
So full of love,
Light and happiness

Then came the pain
Heartbreaking & exquisite
When that time came
That dreaded moment

When I stood,
With them in my arms,
Pressed close to me,
Close to my breaking heart

Walked to another woman
Who they would call mother
And gently placed
My precious girls
In their arms

Placed them
in the other woman’s arms
And gently gave them
one last kiss

A mother’s kiss
Full of love and pain
On their soft forehead
As I whispered,
I love you, then turned
And walked away

Leaving my precious child
A part of me, heart and soul
To live a full, happy life
Without me there

So, now I pray each day
Dear Lord,
Send my daughters
All my tender love

And please don’t let them forget
Help them to remember
My one last kiss
A mother’s kiss

Written by Anne
April 10, 2005

Happy Anniversary time!

It’s our wedding anniversary today…2 years…already. It’s amazing how the time flies and that it’s been 2 years since we got married now…kinda wild to think about and all.

We don’t have anything major planned, but most likely we’ll go do something later on today. We’re going to go to dinner, to see Iron Man 2 and maybe we’ll go to the aquarium or something else too, we’ll see what happens.

Anyway, we’ll have fun whatever we end up doing :D.

Other than the Anniversary day here, not a whole lot new to update…other than my 7 yr. old and her mom are moving, packing things up in boxes to move and be in their new place very likely by now or this next week…they’ll be moved and starting in their new place really soon.

And everything else is going pretty good with life and all. I do have one other thing I have been thinking about for a while, but haven’t written cause it’s not that big or anything.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking for a while now and wondering about giving nicknames/pet names to my two girls to use to refer to them as from now on in my blog, but I don’t know what to call them or what nicknames to use.

I’m just kinda tired of always writing my 5 yr. old and my 7 yr. old and their parents or the first letter of their names…I want to figure something out for nicknames to call each of them when I’m blogging about them so I’m wondering what suggestions any of you have.

I’m also trying to think of any nicknames that I think would fit them and their personalities, but I’m not sure and haven’t come up with much yet. So, if you have any ideas or suggestions from what you know of me and my two girls etc. for ideas of nicknames then please share.

Also if you have ideas or suggestions to help me with ideas and figuring out what would work best for nicknames to use for my two girls, then feel free to share…I’m open to any ideas or suggestions here. I just don’t want to refer to them as my 5 yr. old and my 7 yr. old anymore, if ya know what I mean :).

Thanks in advance for any ideas on the nicknames.