And I’m Back Again

Yep, here I am making another appearance after some time…thinking about trying to blog a little more again…just that I keep getting sidetracked with life and everything else going on so I don’t always stop and blog like I use to anymore.

Anyway, some of you know, but our little girl is about to turn 2 years old this month already and she really keeps us on our toes all the time…I don’t know how she just keeps going and going sometimes lol.

And everything’s good for the most part with the two daughters I placed for adoption except the older one, my first daughter I placed, her adad, who is now divorced from the amom and has been for quite some time is an idiot and is accusing her amom of endangering her, which is just dumb so they’re going to do another hearing in court cause the adad is an idiot.

Also, I just lost/miscarried identical twins a little bit ago that I feel were boys so I/we are going through that process and getting ready to try again for another baby in a few months or so.  So, yeah all sorts of fun and ups and downs of life going on here lately.

I have more insight and things to share and write later on grief and similarities between miscarriage and adoption, but I haven’t quite formulated all my thoughts the way I want to write/share them just yet, but I’m going to try to come back and blog the rest again as soon as I can/when I can and see about trying to get back into some more writing for my books too.


I am Me…

Completely and totally…again…all the way being and feeling myself again…don’t know how to describe it really…it’s more of a feeling and I’ve been so happy since feeling all the way like myself again and where I’m suppose to be in life, doing what I’m doing and back on track from all the hard times, dragging myself somedays and at rock bottom sometimes especially all the crap I went through in the past 11 years.

From coming home on cloud nine after serving an LDS mission to Uruguay and crashing to the bottom with marrying, being abused and then divorcing my first husband, which seems like another lifetime and such a faint memory now, to getting involved with more loser type guys and having and placing my two girls and going up and down on the rollercoaster of life and planning to marry one guy after being together for around a year and a half to ending up with the best guy for me that I’m with now…it’s been an amazing rollercoaster of life these past 11 years and most of them/ a lot of the time I’ve been down and fighting my way back to the top from all my hits and times spent at rock bottom.

I never thought I’d feel this way again…all the way myself again back in tune with the Lord, His Spirit and everything else…but after all the crap and heck of a long rollercoaster ride, I guess is one way to put the past 11 years…I feel like I did 11 years ago before I went through everything I did except that now all those things are incorporated into me and my life and I can and do still feel all the way happy and like myself again.

It’s so awesome and amazing to look at where I was, what I went through and to where I am now and see how the Lord has helped me and been with me through the whole thing.

Anyway, I don’t know how to explain it in words just right more than this right now…other than I’m just so freakin happy about this monumental progress and return to myself/completely being myself right now.

I’m going to see about finding a song or two that helps to describe and express more of what I’m feeling in regards to this post and all.

Light Bulb Thoughts…

…Well, for me…they were and at the same time they weren’t since I’d already thought/realized them to myself etc., but never voiced or really thought of it this way.

Just how Love is Hate upside down so it is with Grief and Happiness…Happiness is Grief upside down and Grief and Happiness are fundamental parts/emotions in this life. It all boils down to love/hate, grief/happiness and sadness/joy…all the other emotions or words we use to describe emotions come from the roots of sadness/joy and love/hate etc.

When people ask how long does it take to “get over this, that or the other”…it all depends on the individual and well, let’s be realistic here, shall we…no one ever “gets over” placing a child for adoption, getting divorced, being abused, surviving cancer…etc…etc…because they are not things/experiences etc. that are meant to be gotten over. They are part of you forever after you live them/experience and/or keep living and experiencing them…they are part of what defines you, teaches you and helps you to grow.

So, while no one really completely “gets over” those things, people do learn how to cope and deal with them on a daily basis and move forward with their life with these experiences/emotions as part of them. And everyone that experiences life and their different trials etc. has to learn how to cope with these things otherwise they can’t move forward as well.

And if these parts of life aren’t always faced up to or coped/dealt with and they are denied…then it’s like denying yourself and ignoring/discounting an important part of yourself and your make up that makes you who you are. To avoid dealing with the grief etc. from life changing experiences is to avoid dealing with yourself/an important/essential part of yourself that shouldn’t be discounted or denied no matter how painful or hard it may be to face and learn how to cope/deal with for yourself.

When a person can accept and love themselves, which means loving and accepting all of themselves and what has made them the person they are, I think…then is when a person can completely and totally let go of things. It’s a never-ending life cycle for the most part really – learning how to love and accept yourself and let go of things because that means facing, coping and dealing with a lot of things about yourself past, present and future, which are not usually that easy to accept and love about yourself/learn how to cope and deal with for the rest of your life and forever. Which is why, for me, personally and individually I know and am grateful that I have the Lord and all my family/friends etc. that I do that help me to work through these things and be able to keep working through things so I can love and accept myself and let things go the best I can when I need to throughout life.

And really…when I think about everything to this point in my life and what it boils down to…what all my life changing experiences and issues that I continually have to keep working through to be able to keep working on loving and accepting myself and everything about myself past, present and future come down to…what the real issue is at the root of most, if not all of the issues and so forth are my self esteem issues that started when I was a child because of the intentional/unintentional messages and things I experienced being raised as I was with the kind of mother I had that led me to believe/feel and have as my perceived reality for quite a bit of my life that I was not lovable. That there was something wrong with me and that love was conditional not unconditional because of how my mother was and still is, but now I’ve experienced and still experience and know that there is unconditional love and I’ve broken out of that perceived reality of not being lovable…but there are times that I still have that view/feeling come back that I continually have to deal with of wondering if I’m not lovable or what I did wrong that I didn’t have a mother who loved me more or so forth…but it wasn’t and isn’t my fault that my mother couldn’t love me the way I wanted/needed because she doesn’t even really know how to love herself and hasn’t figured out things about unconditional love or experienced or rather allowed herself to experience the way that I have.

But really, when I look at all the different choices that I’ve made that caused me to have life changing/life altering experiences and sometimes wonder/question or regret things here and there about my life, my past and so forth…it all comes down to the fact that those choices which weren’t always the best were made when I wasn’t dealing with my self esteem issues, when I hadn’t yet realized them and I was searching to fill the hole and heal myself…to be loved like I hadn’t felt loved a lot of my life growing up and what not.

I chose and married my ex-husband because I was searching to be loved and accepted and was with the less than desirable guys I was at different times in my life because I wanted to be loved and accepted and hadn’t learned how to be myself and separate myself from those issues yet. Counseling, life and time along with the Lord has taught and continues to teach me a lot about these things that are an essential part of me, whether I want them to be or not.

What it really comes down to with all these thoughts and things I’ve written down and been thinking about is that you have to love and accept yourself completely, which means loving and accepting every part of yourself and your life and letting yourself experience, face up to and learn how to cope and deal with all these experiences that make up important parts of yourself because you can’t run, hide or bury these parts of yourself and still be able to love and accept yourself not when you are denying and shunning important and essential parts of yourself that have come to be because of your choices and your life. You have to embrace yourself and everything that comes with yourself from life etc…the good, the bad and the ugly because denying yourself or any part of yourself only holds you back and hurts yourself and your progress in life.

It’s One of Those Dates…

That triggers something for me sometimes still…August 11…it’s been 7 years now since I got married the first time on August 11 in 2000, which ended in divorce in 2001.  The divorce was final by the judge on June 1, 2001 after I had kicked my ex-husband out in April, I believe it was.

Anyway, this date of August 11 still has some triggers and emotions for me even after all this time…it’s lessened a lot and I’ve moved forward with my life and let go of a lot, but there’s still some things there from that first marriage.  I always think maybe one of these years I won’t notice the date of August 11 and it will go by me without me noticing at all, but that hasn’t quite happened yet.

Right now though, this date is something I still notice and remember to an extent.  I remember how happy I was, innocent and naive getting married on this day 7 years ago…only to have it all fall to pieces almost immediately after I married.  Anyway, I remember my first wedding and everything…the whole bittersweet thing sometimes still especially on this date of August 11.

I find myself specifically at times around this date each year, remembering my ex-husband, and wondering if he’s changed at all since I was with him.  If he’s figured out and/or found any kind of real happiness for himself in his life with anyone else or not and I do know because of happening on some information by chance once about two years ago or so that he has a son by some ex-girlfriend of his and that he hasn’t married again since we divorced and he’s still looking for happiness and hasn’t changed much at all.

I hope that someday he’ll be able to figure out and find some real happiness for himself in his life and change himself for the better.  But he’s not my problem anymore so I don’t dwell on it anymore, but these thoughts pass through my head nonetheless on this date of August 11.

I guess you could say that to an extent I still grieve for my failed marriage and some things on the date of August 11.  Well and perhaps I think more about it sometimes like this year and last year because I’m heading toward another marriage with another man, who’s totally different and so much better, wonderful and well fitted for me than my first was.

So, perhaps I have thought a little more about my first marriage and my first husband because I’ve found someone else to have happiness with and to be with and since I’ve figured some things out and been able to find happiness and a second chance at a happy, successful marriage in the future with someone now, I hope for my first husband to find the same for himself some day.

Just some random thoughts I’ve had in my head today, I guess and some emotions etc. that I’m not quite sure how to express or what to say here other than what I’ve said.

It’s the whole thing, I guess, with having lost and letting go of one dream to find and have another better dream now.

I’m Still Here!

Just in case you were wondering, I am still around and haven’t disappeared or anything…I’ve just been busy with life, riding the rollercoaster and working through/on things with myself and my relationship with my boy etc. lately.

I’m getting ready this week to go for a week long trip to Lake Powell with my boy and his family, which should be fun, but will probably also be an adventure and possibly more rollercoaster fun stuff…we’ll see how it goes.

I’m going back to my place one more time tomorrow (Monday) to wrap things up and close up my apartment up there for good.  I have a few last minute things to pick up from my apartment, need to leave the keys, shut off the utilities and those kind of last minute fun things.

I also get to go swimsuit etc. shopping on Tuesday or Wednesday this week for the Lake Powell trip – wheee!  I’m also working on adjusting to the temporarily living situation of being back at my parents and anxiously awaiting when I can work it out to move back out into another place of my own, hopefully, in August or September depending on how everything works out here.  I hate not having my own place and having lost some of my own space/independence with having temporarily moved back in with my parents, but it had to be done for more than one reason.

Anyway, I’m only back here with my parents for a short while before I’ll move out again so it’s not quite as bad as it was before I moved out a year or so ago, if ya know what I mean.

Well, I have lots of other deep thinking things and all to write here and details to give on things, but it’s late and I need to get some sleep to get up and get things taken care of with wrapping it up with my apartment tomorrow so I’ll have to come back and update more later.

Just wanted to let ya know I’m still here…just in case you were wondering =).

A Little Worried

Well, it’s only been two days so far into the 3 months summer job in Cali, but I’m a little worried and hoping things will get better in the next week or two for Cory.

He’s already talked to me and told me how he’s having a hard time and doesn’t like the job and that it sucks.  I’m hoping he’ll be able to get a sale soon or that something positive will happen otherwise if things keep going sucky, he might be coming home earlier than August and have to find a new job or something else to do for the rest of the summer.

We had a better, longer conversation on the phone tonight before he went to bed, but he still didn’t have a good day and no sales or anything.  Of course, it’s only the second day out and his first full day out trying to sell so I’m hoping things will improve within the next couple weeks otherwise I think he might end up deciding to come home early.  He did mention on the phone when we were joking around about something and I said yeah I win and I want my prize that my prize was the 3 month break from him and I said it’s 98, well 96 day break now and he said well if we/I make it that far, we’ll see how things go so we’ll see how things go and hope that things work out alright whatever happens.

I get to go back home to my place tomorrow so I’m excited for that, but I’ll probably be back down with my parents this weekend again because it’s Mother’s Day and all.  I’ve still got to try to get Mother’s Day presents taken care of and sent although I have let my girls moms know that they might be late because of the other things that were going on with Cory leaving and all.  I also get to go back home to clean and see my birdie and my parents want to eat at a restaurant by my place that’s not down here and maybe go up the canyon by there because they’ve never seen that canyon so we’ll see what exactly my parents and I end up doing tomorrow.

My parents might stay the night depending on what we decide to do and either go back Wednesday night or Thursday morning.  I also have to make sure to mail a couple bills along with cleaning, settling back into my place and the Mother’s Day gifts and so forth.

Oh and I went and saw Spiderman 3 again – my second time with my Dad because he wanted to see it and my Mom didn’t want to go see it with him.  I think Spiderman 3 was an awesome movie and my Dad really liked it too.  It was better watching Spiderman 3 with my Dad then with Cory because my Dad liked it and what not.  Of course, it was better with Cory because it was Cory and we got to cuddle and hold hands while we watched the movie.

Cory’s so great and he told me how much he loves me and thinks I’m beautiful tonight, which was great to hear as always and made me miss him more – ha.  And here I thought I couldn’t miss him anymore, but somehow I keep missing and loving him even more with every hour and day that we’re apart.

I can’t wait until we get married – I hope, I hope, I hope soon!  Well preferably sooner rather than later, but I’ll make it somehow until that day.

True Love

I can honestly say I’ve found my true love and I have so much faith in us and in him, it amazes me some days.  I don’t know how to explain it really, but I just can’t believe it…I’m…we’re still falling even more in love with each other and it really is the true, lasting, forever kind of love…I just feel it and know the more we go and fall in love, ya know.

I really don’t know how to say what I’m feeling or what I want to express here…it’s just…Wow.  I never thought I’d find this guy or this love and yet here it is, here he is and here I am now…amazing how it all happens.

What so many of the other guys wanted in my past that I never wanted or felt I could give them…my whole heart, soul and everything…all of me – I want to give to him and he’s never asked or tried to demand it of me like the others did.

I want to do so many things for him to show him how much I really do truly love him and how much he means to me and I am just amazed by how overwhelmed I am by this feeling of true, deep and everlasting love I have and that keeps growing even when we have our disagreements.  I don’t know how to describe it words, but it’s really amazing to me.

All sorts of songs and sayings are running through my head and none of them seem to be adequate enough to describe how much, how true and how deeply I love him and know he loves me too and he’s like my best friend too, which makes it that much more of a true love for me, ya know.