Today is My Wedding!!!

Yep, I can’t believe it either…but today I’m getting married…for the second time technically…but for the first time as far as it really mattering in the long run.

I’m freaking out, but hopefully everything will work out and go fine.

I’ll update with pics etc. in a couple weeks or so after we’re back from the honeymoon and a little more settled into our new lives as newlyweds in the place we’ll be living in AZ.

Hope everyone’s doing good!

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YAY!!! Sharing Time!

I just got home from my little trip back to my apt…I’ll be back here for a little less than two weeks finishing up things for the wedding and getting married – ACK!!!  Then I’ll be moving…YAY!!!

Anyway, since we just got back, there was a pile of mail for me and one of them was a Mother’s Day card from my 3 1/2 yr old’s mom with some of my favorite candy – YAY!  I got a little note with a gift card in my e-mail from my 5 yr old’s mom on Mother’s Day also…but anyway finding this Mother’s Day card since I came back was a pleasant surprise for me.

What made me so freakin happy is that in the note in the Mother’s Day card, my 3 1/2 yr old’s mom told me that my 3 1/2 yr old says she loves me, well my 3 1/2 yr old told her or has started saying lately” I love Anne” and wanted to make sure her mom wrote in my card to tell me that and send me blow kisses.  It also said/sounded like she’s started saying more when they mention me etc. that she loves me and sends me “blow kisses” – can you just imagine how adorable that is.

That just made my day, my week, my month etc. to hear that my 3 1/2 yr old is saying she loves me and sending me “blow kisses” all the time and especially for Mother’s Day – I was so overwhelmed with emotion and joy when I read that in the card.  I just wish I could have hugged that sweet little princess, given her kisses back and told her I love her too.  I mean sure I send/write to my 3 1/2 yr old that I love her and send her hugs and kisses all the time…but for some reason reading that card this time made me want to scoop her up in a bear hug cause she’s so adorable.

I also recently heard from my 5 yr old’s mom in an e-mail in March or April that they had more to tell me later because my 5 yr old is really understanding and recognizing more who I am to her as her bmom etc…I’m still waiting on all the details from them…but that was the basic update they gave me…so my heart was full to overflowing with love and gratitude when I read that my 3 1/2 yr old is starting to understand a little more who I am now as well.

I don’t know how to explain it really, but I just feel like so many emotions, but some of the stronger ones are joy and a type of achievement or satisfaction, perhaps, in knowing that my girls are starting to know me and will know as they continue to get older who I am and how much I deeply and unconditionally love them.  And that all the pain and heartache and range of emotions in dealing with the bitter and the sweet in keeping up contact with them and their families, letting them know that I’m here for them when they want to talk to me or meet me and that I’ll always love them unconditionally, which at times has been a lot harder than I thought it would be, it’s really all working and they’re starting to acknowledge and respond more to me and my efforts as they’re growing up and understanding everything more.

I don’t know if any of this is even making sense, because I’m trying to figure out how to put it all into words and because it’s so awesome to me to know that my girls can see me in pictures and movies and know who I am.  They can hear and recognize my voice from home movies I send and they have gifts and things they both use and hopefully will cherish one day from me with them and in their homes.  They can and have started to say or have their moms tell me that they love me and send me blow kisses…I just can’t tell you how much that does for me, how much it warms my heart and then breaks it at the same time, but how much more than the pain I feel overwhelmed with joy and hope for the future with my relationships with their families and with my girls.

And so I had to share…and to my 3 1/2 yr old, I love you too and *send blow kisses back and hugs* and to my 5 yr old, I’m so happy to know you’re understanding and knowing more who I am, I love you and *send hugs and kisses* to you too.

“P.S. I Love You”

It’s a great movie…it’s a chick flick by most definitions, but it’s one of the best movies I’ve seen in a while in that category.

I definitely recommend you rent it and watch it, if you haven’t seen it already…but when you watch it…make sure you have tissues handy because it may just catch you off guard and you may end up crying or at least getting teary eyed in parts.

I didn’t cry…but I came close in a couple parts and I did get teary eyed quite a few times…but I also laughed and smiled and it was a movie that was about love, loss, grief, mourning, moving forward with life and happiness – finding it no matter the circumstances and so many other messages came across in the movie to me.

I LOVED the movie and want to go buy it and add it to my collection now.  I highly recommend it.

On another topic, I had a pretty good Mother’s Day, but right before I went to watch the movie with my fiance, I was having some of the Mother’s Day Blues hit, you know the ones…it’s just that I sent e-cards and gift cards to both my girls moms and my own mom and both my girls moms sent me something, said thanks and acknowleged me, but my own mom didn’t.

This was the first Mother’s Day since I placed my first, who’s now 5, that my own mother said nothing to me and sent nothing to me on Mother’s Day.  I didn’t call her though I debated about it, but I thought hey I sent her a card/e-card and a gift certificate so I thought she would call or e-mail me back to say thanks or to send me something to say Happy Mother’s Day, but she didn’t do anything.

I, of course, haven’t been talking to her really at all for the past week or so since I left on my little vacation down here to AZ to visit and help my fiance’s parents with wedding reception planning for down here.  Plus I did take the break to come down here on this little vacation to take a break from her and her constant harrassing and twenty questions driving me crazy with stress etc. with the wedding planning.  If you know much about me and my relationship with my mom, you know I don’t get along the best with her and there were many issues that came out in counseling that had to do with her and that I discovered that she was a big part of reasons why I made choices I did even though I ultimately made my own choices and everything else on my own – she contributed greatly to the way some things happened, which weren’t positive and it also boiled down to co-dependency, which I’m now a recovering co-dependent, but my mom has not figured these things out yet and tries to suck me back in to her world where she controls me and everything, which I don’t let her control me or my life in any way anymore.

My mom and I have grown apart over the past 5 years or so because when I started to realize her unhealthy influence on me and start working on my own path of being healthy without letting her have the same power and influence on me as she use to have most of my life, it was when I had and placed my first girl.  Then it became even more of a noticeable distance and more of a noticeable gap that I let grow and pushed away from her and her unhealthy influence 3 1/2 -4 years ago when I realized even more through counseling as well as my own personal insights etc. how unhealthy it was for me to let my mom in my life too much because of the co-dependency issues and self-esteem issues.

It’s just that I use to always know without a doubt that even though my mom and I don’t get along the best, she would at least acknowledge me and thank me for her cards and gifts on Mother’s Day and she didn’t this year.  I don’t know if she didn’t do it because I didn’t call because I thought the card and gift certificate was good enough or if she didn’t do it cause she didn’t want to stress me out more, but the sad thing is…I think and I wouldn’t be surprised at all if she did it just to spite me, to be petty and throw a tantrum in her own way because I wasn’t there on Mother’s Day, because I took a break from her, because I don’t let her control me anymore, because I don’t let her in my life the way she wants so she can control things anymore, because I haven’t let her plan MY wedding the way she wants it, because I have taken a stand for myself even with her as my own mother and she doesn’t like it, because I didn’t call her even though I sent her a card and a gift certificate…when I didn’t even feel like doing that much for her on Mother’s Day.

It hurts me, saddens me and upsets me to think that my own mother would and may have stooped that low to hurt me because things aren’t going her way and I’m not letting her in my life to control me or do what she wants anymore.

But at least my fiance and his family recognized me and were great with me for Mother’s Day and at least both my girls mothers recognize me and sent me something too.  My sister-in-law and a few other family members at least sent me something even though my own sister and my own mother didn’t…it doesn’t bother me so much that my own sister didn’t even though I sent her something…it just bothered me that my own mother couldn’t send me anything or even at least just have thanked me for her card and gift certificate…but I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised and I suppose there’s always the chance that I’ll get an e-mail or a call in the next day or two from her saying she’s sorry she was busy or something and that’s why she didn’t acknowledge me on Mother’s Day…somehow I don’t know if any excuse she gives will be enough…that’s just more reason to me for the rift between us to grow and more reason to me why I still won’t let her back in my life the way she wants to be where she can control me and things.

So, that’s how I was thinking and feeling when I cuddled up with my fiance and we watched the movie, “P.S. I Love You” and then I realized while watching it and after it was over that I have the most important people in my life who love me unconditionally, respect me and acknowledge me whether my own mother does or not.  I have one of the best things that’s ever happened to me in my fiance…he always looks out for me and my well being and he was the one who suggested this break from things and saw how the stress and my mom was affecting me negatively and he’s pampered me, let me stay up late, sleep in, help when I can, do what I want and never forced or pressured me into anything.  He spoils me rotten, he’s truly my other half and when I was watching this movie about love and life, I realized for the first time, I have what I want and I don’t have to look anymore…this is really it.

I don’t know how to explain it really, but in the past when I was dating, semi-engaged or unofficially engaged etc. with other guys and we watched some love story movie together…I always found myself looking at myself and the guy I was with watching the movie and wondering if this was really as good as it got and couldn’t there be someone better for me out there…I realized often times watching those kinds of movies with other guys that they weren’t the ones for me and watching those love story movies with these other guys in my past made me think and want more than what I had with that guy or in that relationship.

But this time, watching this movie of a love story, I knew that this wasn’t as good as it gets, that it will only get better for me with my fiance, that our love will only grow deeper and stronger…and I knew that there is absolutely no way that there could be anyone better out there for me than him…he is it and I couldn’t be happier nor could I have picked a better guy than him.  What watching this movie of this love story made me realize was that I had the best there was for me and it made me want to enjoy and make every moment with him the best.

It made me realize I’m the lucky one and that life’s too short to dwell on what I may not have with my mother or others when I have something this wonderful with my fiance and such great friendships and relationships with both my girls mothers and so many friends and others, you know who you all are.  I couldn’t be luckier, more blessed and more loved than I am.

Thanks to all of you who love me unconditionally and are always there for me, you know who you are and I send all my love and hugs to all of you as well.

I did it…

I sent an invite to my wedding reception to the boy and his friends…I didn’t think I would for a while there with how things were going between us with the break up and all…but I did.

Whether they show up to the open house/reception is another question…but I did send them an invite.

I’m getting married in 17 days…if you can believe that…where does the time go?

I’ve been putting off writing e-mails and blogs for a while now because I’ve had too much to write and because I’ve been getting things ready for my wedding etc. and the past week or so I’ve been on a little vacation…taking a break from things and the stress I was having from the wedding stuff combined with life and all other stresses.

I’m about to go back from my little vacation this week and then it’s going to be a little crazy and stressful again finishing up things for the wedding, moving and all.  We’re going to be living down by Lake Powell for the summer…maybe longer depending on multiple things so we’ll see how that goes.

Today is Mother’s Day too…that’s a whole other blog or two to write later also.  I got a rose and a card from my fiance for Mother’s Day and e-cards/gift cards from both my girls mom’s and I sent them e-cards/gift cards also – funny how we thought alike this year on what we gave each other for Mother’s Day :).

Anyway, I think that’s about all for now…I have other blogs sitting in my head and around to put here…but for now this is what I’ve got and I’m planning to hopefully write some more specific thoughts on Mother’s Day later on.

I hope everyone has a Happy Mother’s Day…I know mine has been so far and will be one of the best ones :)!