Decisions, decisions hmm

Still trying to decide on nicknames or pet names to use for referring to my 5 and 7 yr. old here and not coming up with much of anything that is striking me as the nicknames that would best fit them.

I do have a few possibilities…and still looking for more. So far, here’s what I’ve thought of using:

For my 5 yr. old – Sweet Pea, Princess, Little Miss Brainy

For my 7 yr. old – Punkin/Pumpkin, Miss Bookworm, Little Miss or just Miss Brilliant

So, What do you think out of the choices I have here?

Edited to add:  I’ve decided to go with Sweet Pea for my 5 yr. old and it’s between Bookworm or Smarty Pants for my 7 yr. old…I’m not sure which one sounds better…which do you think?

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Something of My Adoption Poetry

Over at Grown In My Heart, it’s Adoption Carnival time and the topic is poetry. I’ve written quite a bit of poetry, though I’m not the rhyming type…so this is just one from the past I decided to put up.

I wrote it after placing both my girls…and it’s one I used when giving presentations a few times to high school classes when giving my perspective on adoption as a mother who had placed a child/children for adoption. I haven’t written any new poetry for a while now or anything so this was one that I thought would be good to put up now and still when I read this I get kinda choked up with all the emotions and memories.

A Mother’s Kiss

When both my daughters
were born,
My heart was so full
Of joy and pain

As I looked into
Their beautiful blue eyes
I saw my blue eyes,
A piece of heaven
And myself reflected there

Such a beautiful gift
God gave me those days,
Holding my daughters,
After giving birth

Close to my heart
So they would know
How my heart beat
Just for them

And how my heart
Would belong
To them
Now and for always

Such precious time
I spent with my girls
So full of love,
Light and happiness

Then came the pain
Heartbreaking & exquisite
When that time came
That dreaded moment

When I stood,
With them in my arms,
Pressed close to me,
Close to my breaking heart

Walked to another woman
Who they would call mother
And gently placed
My precious girls
In their arms

Placed them
in the other woman’s arms
And gently gave them
one last kiss

A mother’s kiss
Full of love and pain
On their soft forehead
As I whispered,
I love you, then turned
And walked away

Leaving my precious child
A part of me, heart and soul
To live a full, happy life
Without me there

So, now I pray each day
Dear Lord,
Send my daughters
All my tender love

And please don’t let them forget
Help them to remember
My one last kiss
A mother’s kiss

Written by Anne
April 10, 2005

Happy Anniversary time!

It’s our wedding anniversary today…2 years…already. It’s amazing how the time flies and that it’s been 2 years since we got married now…kinda wild to think about and all.

We don’t have anything major planned, but most likely we’ll go do something later on today. We’re going to go to dinner, to see Iron Man 2 and maybe we’ll go to the aquarium or something else too, we’ll see what happens.

Anyway, we’ll have fun whatever we end up doing :D.

Other than the Anniversary day here, not a whole lot new to update…other than my 7 yr. old and her mom are moving, packing things up in boxes to move and be in their new place very likely by now or this next week…they’ll be moved and starting in their new place really soon.

And everything else is going pretty good with life and all. I do have one other thing I have been thinking about for a while, but haven’t written cause it’s not that big or anything.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking for a while now and wondering about giving nicknames/pet names to my two girls to use to refer to them as from now on in my blog, but I don’t know what to call them or what nicknames to use.

I’m just kinda tired of always writing my 5 yr. old and my 7 yr. old and their parents or the first letter of their names…I want to figure something out for nicknames to call each of them when I’m blogging about them so I’m wondering what suggestions any of you have.

I’m also trying to think of any nicknames that I think would fit them and their personalities, but I’m not sure and haven’t come up with much yet. So, if you have any ideas or suggestions from what you know of me and my two girls etc. for ideas of nicknames then please share.

Also if you have ideas or suggestions to help me with ideas and figuring out what would work best for nicknames to use for my two girls, then feel free to share…I’m open to any ideas or suggestions here. I just don’t want to refer to them as my 5 yr. old and my 7 yr. old anymore, if ya know what I mean :).

Thanks in advance for any ideas on the nicknames.

I liked this article

Why Birth Moms Deserve Respect

What are your thoughts on it? I thought it was a pretty decent article and I identified with a lot of it myself although I know not everyone will agree with the article or my feelings about it.

In my circles, in my family, my girl’s families and my husband’s family…I am accepted with the fact that I’ve placed my two girls…but my corner of the world isn’t what a lot would call the norm.

But if society can accept/support gays/lesbians adopting a child and mothers keeping and single parenting their child etc…why can’t they accept birth mothers and stop trying to lump us all into one category.

I mean I still don’t get why some people find us (mothers who have placed children for adoption) such a threat or so offensive anyway.

I did what was best for my girls…I love them just like their moms (amoms) love them. Both myself and my girl’s moms would do anything to protect my/our girls…I’m a mother too…even though I’m not the mother raising them…I did what any mother does by putting my child’s well being and needs in front of my own and doing what I felt was right and best for them.

It just happened that what I felt was right and best for my girls was to place them for adoption. Which isn’t to say that it wasn’t hard and it was definitely not easy and still isn’t easy and not a decision I made lightly, but it was the best decision and the right one for my girls and me in my situations.

Feeling Betrayed…

I know…that’s a big surprise…what with everything I’ve found out recently about my 7 yr. old’s parents getting divorced and all.

But yes, I’m still processing…and feeling a range of things as I probably will on and off for quite a while and maybe for the rest of my life when things pop up. As in new things that have to do with and be dealt with in regards to my 7 yr. old now coming from a divorced home and what not as she grows up.

The main thing is my being sad about this whole thing besides dealing with being angry and upset…because I feel betrayed and hurt by my 7 yr. old’s adad to be a little more specific…

I mean he betrayed his wife, my 7 yr. old’s mom, and he betrayed and hurt himself even more whether or not he realizes that yet, but most of all he betrayed and hurt his daughter, which is also my daughter. And there is where a lot of my feelings of betrayal and hurt come from besides the fact…that although he hasn’t thought of it and maybe never will think or realize it…he betrayed and hurt me…the other mother…but he probably doesn’t even realize or think of that.

My 7 yr. old’s mom has thought of that and apologized to me and felt bad that she’s had to tell me about them getting a divorce and the whole situation cause she knows that it affects me too. Even though it’s not as direct or maybe not as major to me as it is to them and to my 7 yr. old, she knows and understands that it does affect me as well. She knows that this isn’t what I wanted/hoped for for my 7 yr. old and I know that she didn’t want this for my 7 yr. old either that’s why we’re both her mother because we both love her and would do anything and everything we could for her and we both want what’s best for her.

But my 7 yr. old’s dad lost sight of that when he made some wrong choices that ultimately lead to this divorce and this situation that they’re now in.

And he’s hurt more people than he realizes or knows because my family feels it as well…this is another of those things that has more of a ripple effect that some/a lot of people realize or know sometimes.

It’s just the thing that I’m working through with my emotions etc. and thinking of lately that really has me feeling betrayed and hurt is that…

I trusted him…I gave him the ultimate thing when I placed my child with him and in his care for him to play the role of the father to her and he just threw it away now. Of course, it was gradual…and not all at once, but ultimately now he has thrown that away and I feel like he threw my trust out the window and stomped on it…whether he will ever see how he betrayed me and my trust as well as betraying and hurting the trust of his wife and my 7 yr. old, I don’t know, but he did.

My feeling of being betrayed, of course, doesn’t compare to how his wife, my 7 yr. old’s mom is feeling and what she has to process through and what my 7 yr. old will feel and perhaps have to process through one day, but on another level…it is there.

I trusted him completely and with my child and he betrayed me and that trust.

Not that it’s new, my trusting someone and being betrayed…I just never thought that my 7 yr. old’s adad would betray me and my trust in him this way.

I think part of why this is hard for me on some level and more to process through is because it also brings up some of my past when I trusted and was betrayed by my ex-husband and now by the adad of my 7 yr. old.

A little upset…

but it was another good/great Mother’s Day in spite of the upsetting information I got today.

I’m just disgusted with some men and pornography etc. I found out that porn is indeed the reason why my 7 yr. old’s parents are getting divorced. As in the adad was into porn and that’s just a way of simplifying it since I don’t really want to write out all the not pretty picture crap.

My 7 yr. old and her mom are moving soon and the sooner they move away from the adad and the divorce is final, the better is what I say.

Disgusting, I’m just disgusted and angry at/with the adad right now and I’ve been going through a range of emotions on and off dealing with the news that my 7 yr. old’s parents were getting divorced, but haven’t known where to direct my anger, but now I do.

A lot or most of my anger belongs directed at the adad as far as I’m concerned…he’s a sad, stupid excuse of a man…disgusting.