Light Bulb Thoughts…

…Well, for me…they were and at the same time they weren’t since I’d already thought/realized them to myself etc., but never voiced or really thought of it this way.

Just how Love is Hate upside down so it is with Grief and Happiness…Happiness is Grief upside down and Grief and Happiness are fundamental parts/emotions in this life. It all boils down to love/hate, grief/happiness and sadness/joy…all the other emotions or words we use to describe emotions come from the roots of sadness/joy and love/hate etc.

When people ask how long does it take to “get over this, that or the other”…it all depends on the individual and well, let’s be realistic here, shall we…no one ever “gets over” placing a child for adoption, getting divorced, being abused, surviving cancer…etc…etc…because they are not things/experiences etc. that are meant to be gotten over. They are part of you forever after you live them/experience and/or keep living and experiencing them…they are part of what defines you, teaches you and helps you to grow.

So, while no one really completely “gets over” those things, people do learn how to cope and deal with them on a daily basis and move forward with their life with these experiences/emotions as part of them. And everyone that experiences life and their different trials etc. has to learn how to cope with these things otherwise they can’t move forward as well.

And if these parts of life aren’t always faced up to or coped/dealt with and they are denied…then it’s like denying yourself and ignoring/discounting an important part of yourself and your make up that makes you who you are. To avoid dealing with the grief etc. from life changing experiences is to avoid dealing with yourself/an important/essential part of yourself that shouldn’t be discounted or denied no matter how painful or hard it may be to face and learn how to cope/deal with for yourself.

When a person can accept and love themselves, which means loving and accepting all of themselves and what has made them the person they are, I think…then is when a person can completely and totally let go of things. It’s a never-ending life cycle for the most part really – learning how to love and accept yourself and let go of things because that means facing, coping and dealing with a lot of things about yourself past, present and future, which are not usually that easy to accept and love about yourself/learn how to cope and deal with for the rest of your life and forever. Which is why, for me, personally and individually I know and am grateful that I have the Lord and all my family/friends etc. that I do that help me to work through these things and be able to keep working through things so I can love and accept myself and let things go the best I can when I need to throughout life.

And really…when I think about everything to this point in my life and what it boils down to…what all my life changing experiences and issues that I continually have to keep working through to be able to keep working on loving and accepting myself and everything about myself past, present and future come down to…what the real issue is at the root of most, if not all of the issues and so forth are my self esteem issues that started when I was a child because of the intentional/unintentional messages and things I experienced being raised as I was with the kind of mother I had that led me to believe/feel and have as my perceived reality for quite a bit of my life that I was not lovable. That there was something wrong with me and that love was conditional not unconditional because of how my mother was and still is, but now I’ve experienced and still experience and know that there is unconditional love and I’ve broken out of that perceived reality of not being lovable…but there are times that I still have that view/feeling come back that I continually have to deal with of wondering if I’m not lovable or what I did wrong that I didn’t have a mother who loved me more or so forth…but it wasn’t and isn’t my fault that my mother couldn’t love me the way I wanted/needed because she doesn’t even really know how to love herself and hasn’t figured out things about unconditional love or experienced or rather allowed herself to experience the way that I have.

But really, when I look at all the different choices that I’ve made that caused me to have life changing/life altering experiences and sometimes wonder/question or regret things here and there about my life, my past and so forth…it all comes down to the fact that those choices which weren’t always the best were made when I wasn’t dealing with my self esteem issues, when I hadn’t yet realized them and I was searching to fill the hole and heal myself…to be loved like I hadn’t felt loved a lot of my life growing up and what not.

I chose and married my ex-husband because I was searching to be loved and accepted and was with the less than desirable guys I was at different times in my life because I wanted to be loved and accepted and hadn’t learned how to be myself and separate myself from those issues yet. Counseling, life and time along with the Lord has taught and continues to teach me a lot about these things that are an essential part of me, whether I want them to be or not.

What it really comes down to with all these thoughts and things I’ve written down and been thinking about is that you have to love and accept yourself completely, which means loving and accepting every part of yourself and your life and letting yourself experience, face up to and learn how to cope and deal with all these experiences that make up important parts of yourself because you can’t run, hide or bury these parts of yourself and still be able to love and accept yourself not when you are denying and shunning important and essential parts of yourself that have come to be because of your choices and your life. You have to embrace yourself and everything that comes with yourself from life etc…the good, the bad and the ugly because denying yourself or any part of yourself only holds you back and hurts yourself and your progress in life.

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Feeling Betrayed…

I know…that’s a big surprise…what with everything I’ve found out recently about my 7 yr. old’s parents getting divorced and all.

But yes, I’m still processing…and feeling a range of things as I probably will on and off for quite a while and maybe for the rest of my life when things pop up. As in new things that have to do with and be dealt with in regards to my 7 yr. old now coming from a divorced home and what not as she grows up.

The main thing is my being sad about this whole thing besides dealing with being angry and upset…because I feel betrayed and hurt by my 7 yr. old’s adad to be a little more specific…

I mean he betrayed his wife, my 7 yr. old’s mom, and he betrayed and hurt himself even more whether or not he realizes that yet, but most of all he betrayed and hurt his daughter, which is also my daughter. And there is where a lot of my feelings of betrayal and hurt come from besides the fact…that although he hasn’t thought of it and maybe never will think or realize it…he betrayed and hurt me…the other mother…but he probably doesn’t even realize or think of that.

My 7 yr. old’s mom has thought of that and apologized to me and felt bad that she’s had to tell me about them getting a divorce and the whole situation cause she knows that it affects me too. Even though it’s not as direct or maybe not as major to me as it is to them and to my 7 yr. old, she knows and understands that it does affect me as well. She knows that this isn’t what I wanted/hoped for for my 7 yr. old and I know that she didn’t want this for my 7 yr. old either that’s why we’re both her mother because we both love her and would do anything and everything we could for her and we both want what’s best for her.

But my 7 yr. old’s dad lost sight of that when he made some wrong choices that ultimately lead to this divorce and this situation that they’re now in.

And he’s hurt more people than he realizes or knows because my family feels it as well…this is another of those things that has more of a ripple effect that some/a lot of people realize or know sometimes.

It’s just the thing that I’m working through with my emotions etc. and thinking of lately that really has me feeling betrayed and hurt is that…

I trusted him…I gave him the ultimate thing when I placed my child with him and in his care for him to play the role of the father to her and he just threw it away now. Of course, it was gradual…and not all at once, but ultimately now he has thrown that away and I feel like he threw my trust out the window and stomped on it…whether he will ever see how he betrayed me and my trust as well as betraying and hurting the trust of his wife and my 7 yr. old, I don’t know, but he did.

My feeling of being betrayed, of course, doesn’t compare to how his wife, my 7 yr. old’s mom is feeling and what she has to process through and what my 7 yr. old will feel and perhaps have to process through one day, but on another level…it is there.

I trusted him completely and with my child and he betrayed me and that trust.

Not that it’s new, my trusting someone and being betrayed…I just never thought that my 7 yr. old’s adad would betray me and my trust in him this way.

I think part of why this is hard for me on some level and more to process through is because it also brings up some of my past when I trusted and was betrayed by my ex-husband and now by the adad of my 7 yr. old.

Why Is It So Hard?

Why does the pain hurt so bad sometimes  and

why does it feel like my heart will break in half

from all the heartache and pain on somedays

when I want to curl up and cry it all out

But why do the tears never stop

why do the tears not even seem to help sometimes

why do I fall into this hole of sadness

feeling like I don’t deserve what I have

Why do I feel like I have to keep punishing myself

for all the things I’ve done wrong

when I didn’t know they were wrong

why do I add to my own hurt so much

Why am I so mean to myself

when I have done nothing wrong

why does it never seem to go away

all this excruciating pain…

How do I let it go

and stop hurting myself even more

how do I stop this

when all I want is to escape this pain

Why do I always question myself

why do I always question everything

Am I good enough

Do I really deserve to have another child

What if I’m not a good mother

when I do have children that I raise

What if I won’t be able to do it right

or do it good enough?

What if I won’t be able to give equal attention

to my children I raise and those I placed

What if my children feel jealous of each other

What if those I parent resent those I placed or

what if those I placed resent those I parent

Do I deserve to have more children

Will I be a good mother to more children

Do I deserve any of this

Do I deserve to be happy?

Why do I always question

and hurt myself so much?

Oh, please, just let me be free

I’m terrified…

of being vulnerable again.  I know that’s no big shocker there if you know me and my story, but there I said it.

I’m scared and freaked out about dating again.  This just came about or should I say rather came more to my attention tonight because I’ve been having nervous butterflies the past day or two and haven’t pinpointed why until tonight.

I’ve been having nervous butterflies because I’m getting a little nervous about moving out in August for one thing and for another, I’m getting more nervous about guys and dating.  This is part of why I’m nervous about moving out is because when I’m out living on my own, I won’t have my house to hide in with my family like I do here anymore. 

I’m going to be putting myself out there even more once I’m moved out this fall, going to school and all.  I feel like I’m ready, but not ready at the same time and kind of like I’m being pushed/nudged out/off the ledge back into the social world and so forth.  This reality is starting to make me more nervous and freaked out as the time comes closer for me to move out and all.

See the thing is if you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know about my moment of clarity from a while back that I had one night/morning.  I’ve been having more of those types of moments of clarity or reminders of that moment of clarity I guess you could say.  So, I’m having more and more of a self realization about myself and how pretty I really am etc., not trying to be stuck up, just trying to explain myself here. 

The thing is the more I realize or have/remember that moment of clarity, the more I realize that I’m not going to be able to hide for much longer before the right kind of guy(s) will find me.  l mean realizing about myself and my worth and beauty has made me realize more what guys are seeing when they see me out there and they’re not going to walk away and leave me alone.  They’re going to talk to me and want to be my friend and then they’ll probably ask me out and this terrifies me.

It scares me to death because some of these guys will be good guys and that means I’ll have to talk to them and I won’t have any good reason for not going out with them other than being afraid.  I’ll have to let myself be vulnerable again, maybe trust them and all and it freaks me out to think of putting myself out there all vulnerable with a guy again because I know that if he’s a good guy I won’t have to worry, but I’m also afraid of things happening again to me like have happened before.

I know they won’t be the same guys as my exes and if they’re the good ones, they won’t do anything to me like my exes did, but it’s still a major fear there lurking for me to deal with one day.  I’m not looking forward to facing this fear and having to let myself be vulnerable, trust or love with a guy again – not looking forward to this it all – really makes me nervous.

It’s just I’ve gotten okay and comfortable with who I am and everything now.  I’m totally fine with being single and happy now too for the most part and now I have to go step out of my comfort zone again and I don’t want to – nope, nope, nope.  I mean I do, but I don’t, ya know what I mean.

I don’t know, I talked, vented, worked through all this with my parents and feel a little better, but I’m still kind of freakin out about it all.  My mom asked me if I would like to go visit my counselor just to talk or anything and I said no because I didn’t think I needed to go talk to him, but I’m wondering about it now.  I mean, it might not be a bad idea to go visit him, just to check in and talk with him.

Maybe I’ll go drop by to say Hi and see if he thinks we need to talk more.  I mean if he thinks it might be a good idea for me to talk to him then we can schedule a time after I go by to say Hi and see what he says or how I feel.  We’ll see, I’ll have to wait until Monday or Tuesday to drop by though.

I mean maybe just dropping by to say Hi and talk for a few minutes will do the trick, we’ll see.

I just wish someone could face the fear and deal with it for me sometimes though ya know.  I know I have to face it, but sometimes I think it’d be cool if someone else could face the fear for me and then let me step in once we get to the good, trusting happy part with a guy lol. 

I don’t want much, do I…just to have my cake and eat it too – that’s all.

Memories waiting to haunt me…

I’ve been planning and talking about sorting through all my stuff that I’ve accumulated over the years recently.  The thing is I have a ton of stuff to sort through so the prospect doesn’t exactly excite me because of how much there is to sort :p.

But it’s more than the normal hesitancy to go sorting through all my crap because there’s so much of it – it’s all the memories, emotions, etc. that are attached to a lot of stuff I need to sort through that cause me to hesitate even more.

I dread what I will find and come upon when I start my serious sorting within the next couple days.  I don’t like the thought of all the triggers waiting to go off and set me off emotionally or otherwise as I sort and see things from my past that I’ve left hidden in these piles and storage room for so long.

I know I have to do this task and sort through all my stuff and deal with whatever triggers may be there lying in wait or emotions that will surface or memories that will arise to haunt me.  I know I have to do this, I need to do this, but I still don’t want to and I certainly don’t look forward to this.

I may be making a bigger deal out of this than it will end up being, but then again I could be making an accurate idea of what it will be like for me to do this.  I do know that I won’t be surprised if this sorting of stuff is much more than sorting of physical things and more for a sorting of the emotional, mental and spiritual parts of me.

It has to be done, but I do not wish to do it.  I do have to do it and will do it even though I am very hesitant and somewhat dreading it too. 

“Bad Pennies”

From Thursday, May 25, 2006

Why do these guys from the past keep turning up like bad pennies everywhere I go? Well, at least it seems like it lately.

First, I find my ex husband's webpage on accident because of my stupid curiosity, which definitely killed the cat that time. Then I came across another ex's webpage while I was on a roll with my stupid curiosity. Oh and can't forget the other ex's webpage too – geez I was on a roll that night the other week.

Then I learned my lesson from that other night so I haven't messed around or done anything since then because I don't want to accidentally or otherwise come across any other exes webpages or anything. So, then I get this e-mail just the other night from this other website I'm part of, the one and only website that has my full name and info on it too.

Anyway, I get this e-mail from that website and it says that so and so has been looking at your profile and checking out your info etc. on the website. So, I look at the name of who it is that's looked at my profile and it's another ex of mine – man, how did he find me on the one website that has my info – geez. So far he hasn't tried to e-mail or contact me through the website, but now I'm a little edgy knowing he knows where I am/how to find me through this website.

I feel like I'm going through an internal battle with myself all over again too with all these exes and bad pennies turning up again for me. It sucks and drives me crazy because I still care about these guys in some way even though they're dorks in a bad way not a cute dork and most of them have treated me like crap at some point in the past when we were together. Freakin 2 or 3 of them have abused and used me in some way. And yet I still care about the idiots – argh.

I almost wish/want to talk to this guy who found me through the website with all my info on it because a part of me still wishes I could be with him, but I know I can't. It would never work with us because he doesn't accept me for me and isn't supportive of me and some of the things I've done in my life. Still he and I have a great connection, if only the other missing pieces were there and not missing then we could be together.

Okay, this kind of talking and thinking doesn't help me and it's not gonna get me anywhere because he and I, we don't fit together period. He doesn't accept how I have relationships with my girls and their families since I placed them for adoption. He thinks that I should leave and be completely out of the picture until my girls are older and decide if they want to come find me or not. He's one of those that thinks once you sign away your rights, you shouldn't be allowed to be part of your child's life anymore and thinks that I'm causing my girls more trauma and problems if I stay in their life through contact of letters, pics, and all. He's one of those closed minded, uneducated, ignorant ones that don't get it at all and that only support closed adoptions so that's one of the big reasons we can't be together, but there's more than just that reason too.

Anyway, men, bad pennies – why do they have to keep turning up?? I wish someone would just pick them up and throw them down a well or in a fountain where they'd never be found or get out to turn up again – argh.

The Bitter with the Sweet

From Monday, April 24, 2006

The Bitter with the Sweet

So, I've just been thinking – something I do too much of sometimes. Anyway, I've been having bitter and sweet thoughts about different topics and it's getting crowded in my head with all these thoughts lol.

Well, first I was thinking about life and how things are good. I took my math final today and feel like I did pretty good on it. I feel like I should pass and do alright with passing my math class so now it's onto studying for my Environmental Biology final on Wednesday morning.

Anyway, I've just been thinking about how I'm almost done – one more final and then graduation – getting my Associates degree so I guess the reality of this chapter of my life ending and a new one beginning was dawning on me today. I mean I'll be moving out and transferring to the University this fall and starting that new chapter of my life and I'll be 29 in 1 mo 3 wks and 6 days lol – I only know the exact time cause of my ticker that's counting down until my bday for me :).

I was thinking of this chapter of my life ending and the new one beginning so I was feeling both sad and happy about it. Sad about all the good things and everything and everyone I'll miss when I move and start this new chapter of my life and Happy about the prospect of starting this new chapter of my life now :). I'm excited and melancholy all at the same time thinking about it. I mean, ya know what I mean here.

Then as my thoughts often down, they went wandering all over the place so that one minute I'm sad, the next I'm happy, one minute I'm thinking of the end of a chapter of my life and the other I'm thinking of the beginning of a new chapter of my life. Then my thoughts wandered to Mother's Day and thinking of the cards and gifts I have to send to my girls moms and stuff.

Thinking about Mother's Day and my girls, of course, lead me to think about the bitter and the sweet of that whole situation with each of my girls and being a birthmom/firstmom and what that's like for me each day. Well and then thinking about how I can't believe Allie's 3 yrs old already and she'll be 4 next year and that Kira will be 2 this November – where does the time keep going?

I just sometimes get on this kick with thinking about this stuff and think or realize more each time about what it really means to be a bmom/firstmom. I don't know, I mean I don't regret that I placed my girls and I know I did what was right and best and I wouldn't change anything, but I still have the pain, the grief and the healing process I deal with every single day.

I think that some people who've told me that it gets easier as your child gets older, meaning the 3rd birthday would be easier than the 1st one, weren't giving me accurate information when they said that. Actually, sometimes, I think it gets harder as they get older, but then again some aspects or things about it do kind of get a little easier, but I don't really know how to explain or say what I'm thinking or feeling or wanting to say here. Does anyone understand what I'm trying to say here?

Anyway, those are just my random thoughts for now. Oh and can I just say I hate that I have to deal with insecurities, fears and being a recovering codependent sometimes. Sometimes I wish I didn't worry so much about myself or my reaction to things or overthink and overanalyze things so much.

Blah de blah :op.

True Confessions

From Sunday, March 12, 2006

So, here's my 'true confession' for the day – I'm still totally freaked out about dating again. I'm scared to trust a guy again, to open up about myself to him again, to be vulnerable again. How am I going to be able to open up, trust and be okay with being vulnerable again with another guy is what I wonder and think about sometimes.

I know it's an ongoing thing with me wondering and thinking about dating, trusting and being vulnerable with a guy again someday, but seriously it is something that unnerves and scares me a little at times when I think about it. I suppose that could be part of the reason why I'm so happy being single sometimes is because I don't have to open up, trust and be vulnerable with another guy again while I'm single.

Why has this thought, this fear surfaced again, you might be asking? Well, it's always there in the back of my mind and surfaces on and off, but it came to mind now because last night I went to a dance. That's nothing new, I've been to lots of dances before, but most of the time nothing much happens at these dances, but last night I had an all good experience at this dance for the first time and didn't meet any weirdos the whole night, which I thought was a miracle.

Anyway, I met this guy last night at the dance, we talked, danced and had fun. He wasn't weird, at least if he was being up front, honest and real and not being fake anyway. See, I don't trust people especially guys very easily like I once did. There's a part of me who always wonders if someone is being true with me when I first meet them or if they're putting on an act especially with guys.

So, if this guy was for real last night, then he was cool and I really liked him and enjoyed talking and hanging out with him. He was around my age, about 25 yrs old and he served an LDS mission and he was in one of my classes before. We had a good conversation and a good time talking and dancing and he got my phone number afterwards before we said goodbye and left the dance.

I don't know that he'll actually call me though, but maybe he will – you never know. Anyway, last night after the dance I was thinking I hoped and wanted this guy to call me because he was cool and I think it would be cool to hang out with him, get to know him better, but then again I was like well maybe I don't want him to call because then I wouldn't have to deal with facing these problems, issues, fears of trusting, opening up and being vulnerable with a guy again. So, one minute I want this guy to call and the other I don't, but we'll see if anything happens or not.

I just realized thinking about whether or not I really wanted this guy to call last night and today that I was unnerved and scared about having to open up, trust and be vulnerable with another guy. I don't know, I'm not scared about this all the time, but sometimes I am and somedays it unnerves me and others I can't wait to be with the right kind of guy in another relationship.

I guess that's the key is that when I'm with the right kind of guy in another relationship, I won't be scared as much. I think I will be scared and a little hesitant on the beginning – threshold of any new relationship with what I have from my past that causes me to be hesitant to trust as easily with guys now.

I don't know – I think I'm just starting to ramble now, but I know it'll work out when the time's right with the right guy and the right kind of relationship. In the meantime, I still am dealing with fears and issues of trusting, opening up and being vulnerable again and that's just part of what I have to deal with for now in my life.