It’s all still here…all the pain, sadness, happiness…the bitter with the sweet…I can still remember clearly holding my baby girl in my arms and the bitter with the sweet when thinking of her and those few days I had before I placed her in the arms of her parents.
I was talking to my Dad on the phone a little bit ago and we were talking about how we can’t believe it’s been 5 years already…where does the time go…how does it go so fast and then I’ve wondered how I’ve kept going sometimes without my girls…5 years without A, who’s birthday it is today and 3 years without K…how has that much time passed…
While my Dad and I were talking we were remembering the dreary weather that weekend 5 years ago when A was born and I remembered for the first time in quite some time…some parts I’ve blocked out…of the pain and the emotions I felt and how it was for me when I went home alone without my little girl and woke up that first morning after alone without her too…and now I understand why I haven’t remembered and have blocked those memories and emotions out for a while like I have…cause having thought and remembered them now…brings it all back and my heart is hurting again *sighs*.
I can’t believe she’s 5 years old today and going to start kindergarten this year and she’s growing up without me…oh I knew this is what I signed up for when I placed her…but it just hits you different on their birthdays for some reason…
I still remember sitting by her in the nursery when I couldn’t sleep and how she was having trouble sleeping that night too so I stayed with her a while and how her little hand wrapped around my finger and then she could sleep. How could I not remember that powerful moment and memory…when I felt the strength of the mother/daughter bond with her little hand on mine and now she’s 5 years old…it just blows my mind.
I hope all her dreams come true and that she gets my birthday presents in the mail today. I still have to write her birthday letter and e-mail it asap…I just wish it didn’t have to be so emotional and hard at times to write the birthday letters.
I’m already emotional…trying not to be ha ha…like it’s possible to not be emotional on their birthdays.
Anyway…I’m trying to think of things to say for the birthday letter…and like I wrote when it was K’s birthday in November…I just miss her…so much…and it seems like I’ve said it all before so I never know what else I can say other than simply I miss her so so much.
Happy Birthday to my little Princess…I hope all your dreams come true (((HUGS))) to you on your special day =).