I’ve been ‘missing’ from blogland…

but here I am again checking in. I’ve had an interesting year so far with the pregnancy and everything else in life. There’s just too much that’s gone on…it seems like and at the same time…the same old, same old…anyway…I don’t know how often I’ll be blogging or what this blog may or may not be morphing into here…but I’ll try to get back into blogging on a somewhat more regular basis along with getting back to a more regular life routine again in this next year.

I make no promises about my blogging right now though since I just had my baby girl…she’s 2 weeks old tomorrow and I’m still in the early recovery stages and figuring out life/back to a more normal routine with hubby and a baby now.

It’s definitely very different having a baby and raising them instead of placing them…that much is obvious already and it’s a great thing too. I’ve been thinking of blogging for a little bit now but didn’t know what to say so there’s still more I’ll probably say another time or something, but for now this post will have to do for an update here.

I didn’t have the easiest pregnancy with how sick I was on and off and everything and then because Lil Miss Wiggles decided she wasn’t going to fully cooperate so she was breech and I had to have a C-section…it’s an interesting story/experience the way it happened really…but I’ll do that detailed story another time.

She’s adorable and gorgeous and melts your heart…she’s already the one ‘in charge’ of me and her Daddy over here right now…at least for now she is. We’re definitely smitten with her and despite the ups/downs and all of this year etc…we’re a little happy family now…we’ve started into the official family stage now and it’s not always going to be easy and it’s definitely an adjustment for us, but it’s so worth it.

As for the adoption front, I had a good long talk with my 8 yr old’s amom just a couple weeks before Lil Wiggles was born and either at the end of this month of November or in December, Hubby and I are going to schedule to hang out/meet up with my 8 yr old’s mom and hubby that she just married in June since she divorced the adad a while back as you may remember. Also we’re going to schedule to hang out/meet up with my 6 yr old’s parents…my 6 yr. old is turning 7 this month if you can believe that, I know it blows my mind that she’s turning 7 and the other will be turning 9 in March of this next year.

So, things on the adoption front are still going pretty good and improving with the scheduling to meet up with my 6 yr old’s parents so they can see our Lil Miss Wiggles, which we’ve hung out with them as often as possible before, but the big step is for us meeting up for the first time with my 8 yr old’s mom and new hubby…cause it will be the first time I’ve seen my 8 yr. old’s mom in 8 years and the first time I’ve met this new hubby of hers and the first time she’ll meet my hubby too…so we’re excited and nervous…but moving toward some more openness with meeting up with both my girls aparents is what I want to help our relationships and for when my girls start having more one on one interaction with me through e-mail/talking/meeting me or what have you.

So, yes my life’s been a little crazy and up and down recently this past year and my whole life’s been totally up and down and never quite what I planned, but it’s all worked out to this point and it will all work out in the end, otherwise it’s not the end…at least I think that’s how that saying goes.

But I would do my life the exact same even with all the crappy parts and the heartache and the hard times all over again and again because of the happy parts and the awesome parts and the rewards for going through the hard time and because it was all worth it to end up here with my awesome, amazing Hubby and my adorable angel baby girl that’s here with me now all the time always and forever :).

ETA: Forgot to say the stats for Lil Miss Wiggles birth…she was born on Oct. 24, 2011 at 6:45 p.m. She weighed 8 lbs 2 oz and was 20 in long. She’s healthy and doing really well. She just had her 2 wk well baby check up this past Friday and has gained 3 oz. and grown 1/2 inch in about 2 wks and everything checks out with her and so far everything checks out with me for my progress at 2 wks of recovering from the C-section…no infection or anything wrong with the incision and it’s healing nicely…no stitches, I had staples, which they removed in the hospital and then put glue and tape- the steri-strip tape stuff on it and the Dr. took the tape off of it when he checked me out after we finished the 2 wk checkup on baby. Lil Wiggles has her next appt in 6 wks and mine for my 6 wk last check up until I’m pregnant again or need to see the Dr. again is in about a month to make sure I’m done healing and everything’s good to go all the way back to normal again for now. So things are going as they should with my healing/recovering and our adjusting with baby and all and we’re good :).

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I am Me…

Completely and totally…again…all the way being and feeling myself again…don’t know how to describe it really…it’s more of a feeling and I’ve been so happy since feeling all the way like myself again and where I’m suppose to be in life, doing what I’m doing and back on track from all the hard times, dragging myself somedays and at rock bottom sometimes especially all the crap I went through in the past 11 years.

From coming home on cloud nine after serving an LDS mission to Uruguay and crashing to the bottom with marrying, being abused and then divorcing my first husband, which seems like another lifetime and such a faint memory now, to getting involved with more loser type guys and having and placing my two girls and going up and down on the rollercoaster of life and planning to marry one guy after being together for around a year and a half to ending up with the best guy for me that I’m with now…it’s been an amazing rollercoaster of life these past 11 years and most of them/ a lot of the time I’ve been down and fighting my way back to the top from all my hits and times spent at rock bottom.

I never thought I’d feel this way again…all the way myself again back in tune with the Lord, His Spirit and everything else…but after all the crap and heck of a long rollercoaster ride, I guess is one way to put the past 11 years…I feel like I did 11 years ago before I went through everything I did except that now all those things are incorporated into me and my life and I can and do still feel all the way happy and like myself again.

It’s so awesome and amazing to look at where I was, what I went through and to where I am now and see how the Lord has helped me and been with me through the whole thing.

Anyway, I don’t know how to explain it in words just right more than this right now…other than I’m just so freakin happy about this monumental progress and return to myself/completely being myself right now.

I’m going to see about finding a song or two that helps to describe and express more of what I’m feeling in regards to this post and all.

Happy New Year!!!

Happy New Year everyone!!! 2011 is going to be a good year…I have a good feeling about it.

Hope everyone’s had good times for the Holidays. We had a visit with Sweet Pea’s parents last night, just us two and her mom and dad…we hung out, played some Wii games, talked, Sweet Pea’s mom showed me some home movies and pictures too…I saw the home movie of Sweet Pea (6) finishing the scavenger hunt that Sweet Pea’s mom did to tell Sweet Pea and her sister about their trip to Disneyland…which they’re going end of Jan/beginning of Feb.

It’ll be Sweet Pea’s first time to Disneyland and she’s WAY excited for it lol. I watched the home movie and couldn’t stop smiling and laughing at Sweet Pea running around and bouncing up and down all so freakin excited for Disneyland. It was awesome to see the little home movie of her reaction to finding out about their trip to Disneyland and the way her face lit up and was so full of joy and happiness…it’s seeing and hearing about things like that with Sweet Pea (6) as well as Miss Bookworm (7 1/2) that I absolutely LOVE and continually remind and give me peace of mind about them doing so well, being so loved and everything with their families.

Anyway, Hopefully Hubby will be getting a job soon and it’s a job he’d like doing and not just a job to earn money so we’re keeping our fingers crossed for that plus he’s doing great with his online schooling also.

So, we’re doing good, hanging in there and had a great Christmas and New Years etc. Hoping for things to keep going well and improve so here’s to 2011 being a great year :).

Just Had to Say…

I read this entry, The Birthmom I Want to Be, from another awesome blogger and it struck a chord with me.

Everything in that post that was written by the blogger, A Life Being Lived over at Carrying a Cat by the Tail and quoted from the book, Lifegivers: Framing The Birthparent Experience In Open Adoption by: James L. Gritter is true and made a lot of sense to me to read.

I placed Sweet Pea and Bookworm, 6 and 7 1/2 years ago and pretty much everything that’s said/quoted in that entry is pretty much true of me and who I am today and how I am today. Somedays are better than others…but most of the time and for the most part I am that birthmom described in that entry. Some of those things are always a work in progress and such.

I just have to say, I read that entry and went Wow that’s pretty much me and how I am and look at life etc. now and it was just Wow to read someone write that so well. I definitely have to get and read that book now…yes I haven’t read it though I’ve been thinking about it for a while but haven’t done it yet.

I definitely want to read that book even more now and makes me think I need to work some more on getting myself more comfortable with the idea and all of going back to sharing my experiences at high schools or what not.

It was just something that goes with some more healing/another layer of grieving with adoption and some other things from my past as well that fit with where I am right now and that was good for me to read/hear.  I read that and realized that even though I’m still not perfect (won’t be until after I’m dead most likely :p) and have wondered if I’m on the right track with life and things at times, that I am doing the right thing and the best I can for me.  Reading that told me that I’m doing at least some of it right with doing my best to navigate life as a birthmom having placed two daughters.

It’s just good, once in a while, to have some positive reinforcements and validation from other sources outside of family and close friends that you are on the right track, if ya know what I mean.

Reading that entry, along with some other thoughts/emotions etc. I experienced recently, they were all the validation and reminders I needed that I know the Lord sent me to help me continue to grow and learn as He wants me to from this experience and in this life.

Awesomeness, Validation, Pro Adoption and Reality

I was thinking about things the other day and thought of how blessed/lucky I am to have the relationships I do with both my girls amoms. I know not everyone has great relationships or positive experiences with the aparents of their children among other things which make their whole adoption experience suck, but mine has been a positive thing. Of course, there is still a lot of negative and grief and all sorts of emotions/things to deal with being a mother who has placed two daughters for adoption and everything, but there has also been a lot of positive, which I was remembering the other day.

Some of the awesome things I was remembering the other day that I’ve been grateful for with my relationships with both my girls amoms are:

***Bookworm’s (7) mom has opened up and shared a lot with me lately and continues to do so since first talking with me about the divorce etc. with Mr. X (Bookworm’s adad)…it has been interesting talking as I have been lately with Bookworm’s mom because I feel like a whole new side and a whole lot more of her has been revealed to me because she’s opened up to me. And it’s been a great thing for me to experience, to see this whole other part of her that makes her even more of a real awesome person with all her quirks etc. and that much more of a close friend to me and not just my daughter’s amom.

***This is one of the things I thought of that I still think is really awesome…and that is that the last time I talked with Bookworm’s mom around 3-4 weeks ago…while she opened up talking to me about things even more…she asked me for my advice/insight on her new relationship with her boyfriend and things to consider while she’s considering marriage to said bf after her recent divorce. I was floored in so many ways when she asked for my advice/insight because first I was like WHAT cause she’s thinking about marrying another guy already, but then because I was like wow she’s asking me what I think because I’ve been where she is to an extent…I was married, divorced – abusive guy/porn etc…and then years later found and married Hubby and so she was asking me my advice/insight cause she knew that about me and cause she was treating me as her friend and equal and someone who’s advice/insight mattered. I mean I’m not just Bookworm’s bmom to her, ya know and it was so awesome and meant/still means so much to me that she has shared so much with me and asked for my insight and my advice on that situation. I mean isn’t that awesome?!?

***Another awesome thing about Bookworm’s mom…she told me she’s talked to her new boyfriend and told him about me and how we’re friends, stay in touch and talk etc. all the time. I always tell everyone how I’m close, friends and stay in touch with her and assumed she did the same but never knew so that was awesome and validating to me to hear that from her also.

***Bookworm’s mom encourages Bookworm to talk with me etc…doesn’t ever discourage her in anyway about her adoption, me, where she came from etc…I think it’s amazing the way she handles and does things with Bookworm and myself and the whole adoption side of things, if that makes sense.

***Sweet Pea’s (5) mom is just as awesome as Bookworm’s mom and validates and does amazing things as well. One of those things I was thinking about with all these others the other day was that Sweet Pea’s mom has always acknowledged me as Sweet Pea’s mom…she has told me as I have told her a few times she doesn’t think of me as Sweet Pea’s bmom, and I don’t think of her as Sweet Pea’s amom…we think of each other as friends/best friends similar to Bookworm’s mom and I though a little different and we think of each other both as mothers to Sweet Pea. Sweet Pea’s mom has always validated and been open to talking with me about everything…it’s been awesome. I’m just now getting there with Bookworm’s mom…so it took more time with her, but with Sweet Pea’s mom it clicked from the beginning.

***Another awesome thing about Sweet Pea’s mom, just recently within the past 3-4 weeks as well…we were talking and she asked my opinion on how to handle discussing a very sensitive topic with her other daughter, 12 (or 13?) and what I thought about her and her husband wanting to wait until she’s a little older to lay out the full story for her about the sensitive topic in reference to her bfather…which I’m not saying the whole topic etc. because Sweet Pea’s mom asked me not to tell/talk about it with anyone, she was okay with me talking about it to my Hubby and my Dad, but didn’t want me to talk/spread it around so that’s why I’m being generic etc. here. But this was awesome to me that she asked my opinion in much the same way I thought it was awesome that Bookworm’s mom asked my opinion on what I mentioned above…that Sweet Pea’s mom also treats me as an equal and a friend who’s advice/insight and opinion matters and not as just Sweet Pea’s bmom etc.

***Another thing I love about Sweet Pea’s mom is how she asks me sometimes if x, y, or z are traits, behaviors or mannerisms that she’s seen Sweet Pea do that might come from me or my family. She is okay with talking about and often is the one who says or mentions to me how she sees similarities such as hair/face/eyes or this behavior, mannerism or personality trait that she can tell Sweet Pea got from me. I love hearing about how Sweet Pea has things/looks etc. similar to me and Bookworm as well…and recently Sweet Pea’s mom was telling me how her other daughter (also adopted) looks so much like her bdad and then talking about how Sweet Pea looks quite a bit like me. Then Sweet Pea’s mom told me that was fine with her, that she loved having Sweet Pea look like me :D.

***Sweet Pea’s mom also encourages if Sweet Pea wants to talk/know anything about me, her adoption, where she came from etc…Sweet Pea is just at a different age/stage then Bookworm so we don’t talk online or anything like I do with Bookworm…at least not yet anyway. Sweet Pea’s mom talks with me about everything and is just one of my best/closest friends…the list could go on and on, but I’ll leave it at these few things about both my girls moms and our relationships/friendships.

***Something else I thought of the other day with all these things that are awesome and adoption related etc…my family asks about my girls, how they’re doing, how things are, how their afamilies are and asks to see pictures and my parents send them things along with my packages on holidays, birthdays etc…I think it’s great the way my family is about it and doesn’t treat it like it’s taboo or not okay to talk about etc…although my mom isn’t perfect, but see that’s just my mom in general with everything.  Also Hubby and his family ask about my girls etc. and his parents claim my girls as their grandkids too…Hubby’s mom puts their pictures up on her fridge too…they also encourage my relationships with my girls and their families and Hubby talks and is friends with them also.

***One thing I thought of with all these great things that still sticks out to me and means so much to me…more than my Dad will ever know or anyone will ever completely understand…is that I was talking to my Dad on the phone about things…I think it was when I’d found out about Bookworm’s parents divorcing however many months ago now…and I was trying to express some of my thoughts/emotions about this whole new development and how it made me feel regarding the choice I had made to place Bookworm 7-8 years ago now. And really I was trying to express some of my thoughts/emotions that I’d been trying to express about the whole adoption experience and being a mother who’d placed twice etc., but didn’t have the words…and my Dad filled in the blanks and gave me the words…when I was trying to say it’s not that I am saying I didn’t make the right choice/decision because I still believe/feel I did what was right and best for Bookworm and myself in that situation when I placed her…but it’s that I wish or a part of me wishes it could have been different somehow or ugh…I don’t know how to say what I’m trying to say here…I said that to my Dad on the phone and then said…do you know what I’m trying to say here?…after which my Dad said, yes I think I do, you’re saying there’s some regret there and I was like YES, thank you for saying that…and then we went on to discuss it more…it’s still something discussed on and off, but my Dad saying that and talking with me validated me in so many ways and on so many levels…when he said that it resonated with something deep inside me…that I had been trying to voice and find the right words for some time and I love the way he said it.

It wasn’t “I regret that I placed Bookworm or Sweet Pea for adoption”…it was that there is SOME REGRET there…meaning it’s okay for me to feel some regret because I think for a long time I felt like I couldn’t be okay and know I did what was right/best for both my girls when I placed them and still feel some regret about it, but talking with my Dad etc. about it and then processing through it some more I’ve just recently come to the realization that it’s okay to have some regret and still know/feel that I did what was right/best in placing both my girls. It was so awesome that moment with my Dad and that conversation to start coming to that realization that I did have some regret, but I still know and feel that I did what was right/best for my girls and myself when I placed them, if that makes any sense cause I know it does to me and it felt freeing to me to talk with my Dad and have him give me the words I was searching for to express myself and for him to validate me so awesomely as he did with that.

Because after he said to me well yeah I think you’re saying you have some regret, he said and that is to be expected…how could you not go through what you did and not feel/have to deal with the element of regret as well as the grief and everything else you’ve been experiencing and dealing with all this time since you placed both Bookworm and Sweet Pea. It was just an awesome, awesome moment for me and for me to have with My Dad as well that I think will forever stick out to me and it was another good step for me in dealing with all my emotions and everything.

So, there ya have it all the awesome, amazing things I’ve thought of recently that are adoption related among other things that I felt the need to write down.  And there it is…I’m still more of a pro adoption person then an anti adoption person and that’s my choice…some of you may not agree or be upset with me/at me because I am not anti adoption, but it is who I am and what I choose to be.  And while I’m more of a pro adoption person…I don’t, however, think adoption is the answer for every girl who finds herself in a position where she is considering adoption, parenting or abortion…I think it is a very valid choice and can be a good choice if it’s the right/best thing or you feel it’s the right/best thing for you and your child, but I don’t agree with unethical adoption practices…or mothers being coerced/pressured to place their child for adoption or told that they can’t talk about it and so on.

I just feel that adoption can be a good choice if it’s a choice/decision that’s made with the right kind of help and such…with the understanding that a mother can change her mind at any time whether she’s choosing to parent or place etc…meaning if she wants to parent and changes her mind to place that’s her choice if she feels it’s best and has examined her options wisely and thought it through and if she wants to place and changes her mind to parent that’s her choice as well too.  I don’t look down on anyone who chooses to parent not place or anything…there is no easy choice or easy way out when you find yourself in the kind of situation where you find yourself considering the options of adoption, parenting/single parenting or abortion (side note here I don’t consider abortion an option personally…I simply put it because most people consider those three choices to be what you choose from when faced with an unwed pregnancy etc., but I’ve never considered abortion to be an option because just as I’m more of a pro adoption person, I’m pro life and strongly against abortion).

So, these are just my thoughts and opinions on things…and while I support adoption as a good, valid choice if it is made wisely and from an educated standpoint etc. and is what you feel is best…I also feel that it should be shared when a girl/woman is deciding whether to place or not etc…that there will be some regret and it will be hard no matter what…the agency I used both times called me in once to talk to a girl considering placing her child for adoption and they wanted me to talk to her…when I went and talked to her…I asked her questions about what she thought and felt and what she’d found out…what she kept coming back to is I don’t know what to do, I don’t know so I told her this…”what it comes down to is can you live with this or not? I mean you have to listen to your heart and what you think/feel and you have to say to yourself if I decide to place does it feel right, can I do it and if I do it, will I be able to look back in a year or so I say I’m okay with what I did and the choice I made because what it comes down to is what you know in your heart and what choice you can live with and what you know is best for you and your child.” I also told her not to think or worry/consider anyone else and their opinion or how they factored in…just herself and her baby and what she felt in her heart and could she look back and be okay with that she placed because if not she most likely should not do it…I believe she chose to parent her baby…and that was not just because of what I said but because she already knew that in her heart that she couldn’t place and be okay with it and that she didn’t feel it was best for her and her baby and that was her choice and I’m glad she did what she knew was best and right for her and her child, just like I did for me and my girls.

I don’t try to paint rosy pictures although it is or may seem rosy at times…I just try to be real when I talk about my experience and emotions with having placed both my daughters for adoption and how it’s affected and continues to affect me, my family and my life in a lot of ways that aren’t always expected either. As long as someone has all the facts and isn’t pressured or coerced and feels adoption is the right/best thing for them to do then I support it and that’s my two cents on that  along with my awesome facts about my girls moms, my experience, my family and everything :).

Little Update on My Visit…The beginning of transitioning from semi-open to more open…

with my 4 1/2 yr. old’s parents…it was on Saturday afternoon, May 16, at their house.

Okay so I went to the jewelry show at their house and it was a really good experience/visit for us . Hubby went with me cause he really wanted to meet them and wants to be involved and is very supportive of it all too.

If I had to sum it up in one word…I’d say it was ‘wild’, I guess…cause it was good, but it was also a little weird, but mostly just different and not what I expected while being what I expected at the same time, if any of that makes any sense lol .

The thing I keep saying when I talk to family/friends about it…is that the weirdest thing about it all…is that it wasn’t that weird at all. It was the weirdest thing because it was so normal and natural to me – being there with Hubby and all of us and the way we interacted.

It felt like I was coming home…to another part of my family…I just felt like I fit right in and that Hubby fit in as well too. It was just really great and we had a lot of fun talking and hanging out etc. for 2 hours or so and then talked about our plans to go out for lunch too and what not.

There was a few minutes I kinda freaked out and felt sorta like I couldn’t breathe so well though. It was when we’d been there for a little bit and my 4 1/2 yr. old’s mom was like oh I better go get her from the neighbors and she left to go get her and Hubby and I were sitting there going uh what do we do? We were like should we stay or not cause we weren’t sure if we should be there when my 4 1/2 yr old was going to show up back with her mom…but we didn’t want to leave without saying bye etc. to her mom…so we waited for a few min and then the door opened and I slowly turned to look as my 4 1/2 yr old’s mom comes walking back in (I was reminding myself to breathe lol).

Anyway, she walks back in and is all well, I went to get her and she was sitting watching “Beauty and the Beast” and eating a popsicle and she was like why are you here and didn’t want to come home yet…so she didn’t bring my 4 1/2 yr. old back home since she wanted to finish watching the movie and eating her popsicle so then I was like to myself, okay I can breathe again lol.

Then we sat and talked with her and everyone there, who was mostly family who knew about me for a while longer. She also showed me a little tour of their house and we went in and looked around at my 4 1/2 yr. old’s room and stuff too.

So, another part/different stage in the whole friendship/relationship with more openness in my adoption world has begun with one of the families…and we’ll see where things go…and then how long/when I’ll take this step with my 6 yr. old and her family…and then when I’ll start seeing both my girls and having one on one time or what not…it’s all a WILD ride…and I’ve been processing a lot since hanging out with them on Saturday and coming thatclose to seeing my 4 1/2 yr old for what would have been the first time since I placed her…it’s all really great and all…but it can also be a little overwhelming.

I’m beginning to get a glimpse and some more understanding of what all the people mean when they explain visits, their relationships etc., who have been in totally open adoptions from the beginning…and I know I still haven’t seen either of my girls…yet…but I’m starting to get more of an idea of what it’s like and what all the open adoption people mean when they talk about their visits and everything.

I also realized that my 4 1/2 yr. old’s family is just an ordinary fun and normal family…I mean I realized…I’d had them up on a pedestal so to speak in my mind, but then hanging out with them I realized…they’re just like me…they’re no better and no worse…they’re just another normal family and the only difference is that they were ready and meant to be my 4 1/2 yr. old’s parents and I wasn’t ready or meant to raise her, but neither of us is better than the other…it was kind of like another level of a light bulb turning on for me regarding how both them and the parents/family of my 6 yr. old aren’t any better or worse than me…and I’m not any better or worse than them because I made the choices I did or placed my girls with either of them…I don’t know…does that make any sense…anyway just some of my thoughts/feelings about the visit since I’ve had a few days to process now :).

Oh…and another thing…it helped reinforce once again…that I did the right thing when I placed my 4 1/2 yr. old and also my 6 yr. old and that they are where they are suppose to be with their families and I am where I am suppose to be in my life right now too…it wasn’t that I needed it reinforced, but it was there just the same and it was a really AWESOME time hanging out and talking with them.

I’m excited to go out to lunch with my 4 1/2 yr. old’s mom on May 28 now too and excited about this new door being opened and this new stage of openness with us and how our relationship is going to continue to evolve …I’m really excited about the future of my friendship/relationship with my 4 1/2 yr. old’s mom, my girl and their whole family – they’re all really COOL people that I connect with really well :D.