Follow up to “Feeling Chicken”

Alright I’m sick and tired of having this comment sit there in my queue on my blog so here goes nothing…I’m posting the comment and responding to it.

I’m not putting who it is or anything else because I don’t want to point fingers and I’m trying to be understanding of her point of view and that she maybe isn’t totally educated or doesn’t totally understand so I’m going to respond to the comment now.

So, here’s the comment that has been sitting here on my blog waiting to be approved, now keep in mind this was a comment in response to a birthday blog I wrote when A turned 5 recently in March, see below to blog titled “After 5 years…” :

Sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier if you didn’t know her parents or how to contact her. I know that’s an odd thing to say, but to be able to reach out and just barely touch her life year after year is just a constant reminder of your pain, making it impossible to let go. Whereas if you hadn’t been able to keep in touch, you would have gone through the “stages of grief” (ok, even I admit they aren’t often sequential and can be cyclical…and been able to heal. I’m not saying you wouldn’t still be sad sometimes, but I believe it would have been easier. *sigh* I also wonder how it will affect her down the road…

My response to this is: Oh, you wonder if it would have been easier if I didn’t know her parents or how to contact her or anything about her, well, I think I’m the judge of that and I know it would not be “easier” for me if I didn’t know. My sister placed her son for adoption in a closed adoption when she was 18 where she didn’t know and it wasn’t “easier” for her and it wasn’t “easier” for my family either. We often wonder and think about him and if we’ll ever know because we didn’t know and we still don’t and it’s not “easier”.

Yes, there is that constant reminder of my pain being able to reach out and be part of her life at times, but guess what…it doesn’t matter whether I was a part of her life as I am or not, whether I know or not, it would NOT be easier and there would still be constant reminders of the fact that she is not with me. Do you think that I wouldn’t be reminded of the fact that she isn’t with me and the pain if I didn’t know, I carried her for nine months, I gave birth to her, I took care of her for a few days, I felt her first movements of life, heard her first heartbeat and so many things…how could I not have a reminder of the pain or the fact that she isn’t with me every year on her birthday. I would always remember her birthday whether I knew or not, I would always remember her whether I was part of her life the way I am or not, she is part of me and I am part of her, it is a reality that nothing can make it “easier” or make it so I don’t have some kind of constant reminder of her not being with me especially on her birthday.

Oh and you think that I would just process through the stages of grief, heal and move on without constant reminders and what not if I hadn’t known, if I wasn’t part of her life the way I am…news flash you go through the grief and don’t ever completely let go and move on from something like this. She is my child that I gave birth to…there is a bond there and yes I chose to place her and feel it was right and best but there is still a bond there and no matter what, the constant reminders that she isn’t with me, the pain and whatever else aren’t going to go away and nothing is going to make it “easier” the way you say.

You believe it would have been “easier”…you believe it would have been easier…well good for you and your belief, but it’s not the reality and how would you know, have you placed a child for adoption, have you experienced this, are you me, do you live my life every day…I think not so I really don’t think you have a place to say that you think it would have been “easier” for me had I not known about my girls, if I wasn’t part of their lives, or anything else.

How nice, you also wonder how this will affect my girls down the road…well they’re healthy, they’re happy and they’re fine. Between myself, my family and their families we’re handling things and their families are discussing things with them as they see fit and I write to them and we have good relationships and friendships. My 5 year old is just starting to understand more who I am and my 3 1/2 year old will start to understand more as she’s older and it will be their choice as to what happens, but we (myself and both my girls parents) are doing our best to make it a positive thing for them so thank you for your concern but once again I really don’t think it’s your place to say.

If my response isn’t enough, there are many others of my friends who have placed who agree that when I asked them what they thought in response to this comment, they said things like this:

One friend said this :

Not knowing who your child’s parents are (or even your child’s name) is indescribable and definitely not “easier”. IMO

Another said this:

Great rhetoric that aparents and agencies can tell themselves when they want to push closed adoptions though…..

Do it so it’s “easier” on us…cause I’m sure that’s first priority….

Yet another response:

In regards to if that person hit my blog and wrote that, I’d have to correct her. I could not sit there and let that post stay without either commenting or posting a new blog in response.

And another:

It’s NOT easier if you don’t know anything about your child, NOT ONE BIT!
And I’m sorry, but you have a right to feel how you feel! And how can that be wrong?

And another:

really don’t know what to say. just someone who doesn’t know what the truth is.

There were, of course others similar to these responses, but I didn’t post them, but feel free to comment or message me if you have something you’d like to add to my blog in response to this comment here.

As you can see, I had some anger with this comment and now I feel somewhat better having finally written this although the person who left the comment probably won’t like this as much but I had to get this out of my system so there you have it.

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One comment on “Follow up to “Feeling Chicken”

  1. I did not read the entire entry, I wanted to respond, this person must not be a mother of any kind. There is not really that much difference between mothers and birth mothers, as far as the amount of love we have for our children. I am a birth mother and a mother. I love my children, all of my children, the most. there is no way I could love them more. It would be unimaginable not to see the children that I have placed. I’m just going to stop here, before I go “mom”, on you.
    You know what it means to go “mom” on someone…. it’s like the Grizzly Bear mother when you mess with one of her cubs.
    ~ Joy

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