“Whole Again”

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I am Me…

Completely and totally…again…all the way being and feeling myself again…don’t know how to describe it really…it’s more of a feeling and I’ve been so happy since feeling all the way like myself again and where I’m suppose to be in life, doing what I’m doing and back on track from all the hard times, dragging myself somedays and at rock bottom sometimes especially all the crap I went through in the past 11 years.

From coming home on cloud nine after serving an LDS mission to Uruguay and crashing to the bottom with marrying, being abused and then divorcing my first husband, which seems like another lifetime and such a faint memory now, to getting involved with more loser type guys and having and placing my two girls and going up and down on the rollercoaster of life and planning to marry one guy after being together for around a year and a half to ending up with the best guy for me that I’m with now…it’s been an amazing rollercoaster of life these past 11 years and most of them/ a lot of the time I’ve been down and fighting my way back to the top from all my hits and times spent at rock bottom.

I never thought I’d feel this way again…all the way myself again back in tune with the Lord, His Spirit and everything else…but after all the crap and heck of a long rollercoaster ride, I guess is one way to put the past 11 years…I feel like I did 11 years ago before I went through everything I did except that now all those things are incorporated into me and my life and I can and do still feel all the way happy and like myself again.

It’s so awesome and amazing to look at where I was, what I went through and to where I am now and see how the Lord has helped me and been with me through the whole thing.

Anyway, I don’t know how to explain it in words just right more than this right now…other than I’m just so freakin happy about this monumental progress and return to myself/completely being myself right now.

I’m going to see about finding a song or two that helps to describe and express more of what I’m feeling in regards to this post and all.

Ramblings

I’m here…have a few different things going through my head that I’m thinking would likely make pretty good posts once I can think coherently enough to write it down the way I want.

I’ve been thinking and working through some more stages, I guess you could say, of healing and dealing with grief/life and being married/hoping to have children relatively soon lately. Also it’s Sweet Pea’s birthday in a week, well technically less than a week on 11-21 and there’s that thrown in there with my emotions and all lately as well.

I’m having all sorts of fun with sickie germs right now and have for the past few days thanks to when I recently saw my parents, this past Tuesday, and my Dad passed his lovely germs/cold etc. onto me. Also Hubby has them now too and since he has asthma…he’s been feeling it some in his chest and such…what fun for him don’t ya think :p.

Anyway, I’m hangin in there and doing pretty good all things considered for now. Thinking about returning to the realm of helping out with doing presentations at local high schools, junior high schools etc…but nervous about it and part of me doesn’t want to go back to doing it again. I did it for a year in the past already and I feel like I probably need to do it again for me and to help educate others and so forth, but I don’t really like putting myself out there like that all the time either so trying to work through my thoughts/feelings on that recently too.

Also, I have a whole bunch of thoughts on the saying, “Adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary situation”, which have been on my mind for quite some time now.

So, lots going on with my thoughts/life and all recently although it doesn’t always seem like there’s that much going on when I look at things until I sit down to write/think about it all and realize there is more going on then when I initially look at things.

This week/weekend should be interesting…possibly a rollercoaster ride because of buying/mailing Sweet Pea’s birthday package etc. and then her birthday. Then because most likely I will be seeing/saying Hi to Sweet Pea’s mom this weekend…not seeing Sweet Pea, but her mom with a boutique get together thing for her jewelry business etc. again so that could be interesting depending on where my thoughts/emotions are and all.

Then I get to go meet people I have not yet met from Hubby’s family while doing Thanksgiving next week with the in-laws so wheee, time to get in the rollercoaster and strap on my seat belt, I suppose :).

Light Bulb Thoughts…

…Well, for me…they were and at the same time they weren’t since I’d already thought/realized them to myself etc., but never voiced or really thought of it this way.

Just how Love is Hate upside down so it is with Grief and Happiness…Happiness is Grief upside down and Grief and Happiness are fundamental parts/emotions in this life. It all boils down to love/hate, grief/happiness and sadness/joy…all the other emotions or words we use to describe emotions come from the roots of sadness/joy and love/hate etc.

When people ask how long does it take to “get over this, that or the other”…it all depends on the individual and well, let’s be realistic here, shall we…no one ever “gets over” placing a child for adoption, getting divorced, being abused, surviving cancer…etc…etc…because they are not things/experiences etc. that are meant to be gotten over. They are part of you forever after you live them/experience and/or keep living and experiencing them…they are part of what defines you, teaches you and helps you to grow.

So, while no one really completely “gets over” those things, people do learn how to cope and deal with them on a daily basis and move forward with their life with these experiences/emotions as part of them. And everyone that experiences life and their different trials etc. has to learn how to cope with these things otherwise they can’t move forward as well.

And if these parts of life aren’t always faced up to or coped/dealt with and they are denied…then it’s like denying yourself and ignoring/discounting an important part of yourself and your make up that makes you who you are. To avoid dealing with the grief etc. from life changing experiences is to avoid dealing with yourself/an important/essential part of yourself that shouldn’t be discounted or denied no matter how painful or hard it may be to face and learn how to cope/deal with for yourself.

When a person can accept and love themselves, which means loving and accepting all of themselves and what has made them the person they are, I think…then is when a person can completely and totally let go of things. It’s a never-ending life cycle for the most part really – learning how to love and accept yourself and let go of things because that means facing, coping and dealing with a lot of things about yourself past, present and future, which are not usually that easy to accept and love about yourself/learn how to cope and deal with for the rest of your life and forever. Which is why, for me, personally and individually I know and am grateful that I have the Lord and all my family/friends etc. that I do that help me to work through these things and be able to keep working through things so I can love and accept myself and let things go the best I can when I need to throughout life.

And really…when I think about everything to this point in my life and what it boils down to…what all my life changing experiences and issues that I continually have to keep working through to be able to keep working on loving and accepting myself and everything about myself past, present and future come down to…what the real issue is at the root of most, if not all of the issues and so forth are my self esteem issues that started when I was a child because of the intentional/unintentional messages and things I experienced being raised as I was with the kind of mother I had that led me to believe/feel and have as my perceived reality for quite a bit of my life that I was not lovable. That there was something wrong with me and that love was conditional not unconditional because of how my mother was and still is, but now I’ve experienced and still experience and know that there is unconditional love and I’ve broken out of that perceived reality of not being lovable…but there are times that I still have that view/feeling come back that I continually have to deal with of wondering if I’m not lovable or what I did wrong that I didn’t have a mother who loved me more or so forth…but it wasn’t and isn’t my fault that my mother couldn’t love me the way I wanted/needed because she doesn’t even really know how to love herself and hasn’t figured out things about unconditional love or experienced or rather allowed herself to experience the way that I have.

But really, when I look at all the different choices that I’ve made that caused me to have life changing/life altering experiences and sometimes wonder/question or regret things here and there about my life, my past and so forth…it all comes down to the fact that those choices which weren’t always the best were made when I wasn’t dealing with my self esteem issues, when I hadn’t yet realized them and I was searching to fill the hole and heal myself…to be loved like I hadn’t felt loved a lot of my life growing up and what not.

I chose and married my ex-husband because I was searching to be loved and accepted and was with the less than desirable guys I was at different times in my life because I wanted to be loved and accepted and hadn’t learned how to be myself and separate myself from those issues yet. Counseling, life and time along with the Lord has taught and continues to teach me a lot about these things that are an essential part of me, whether I want them to be or not.

What it really comes down to with all these thoughts and things I’ve written down and been thinking about is that you have to love and accept yourself completely, which means loving and accepting every part of yourself and your life and letting yourself experience, face up to and learn how to cope and deal with all these experiences that make up important parts of yourself because you can’t run, hide or bury these parts of yourself and still be able to love and accept yourself not when you are denying and shunning important and essential parts of yourself that have come to be because of your choices and your life. You have to embrace yourself and everything that comes with yourself from life etc…the good, the bad and the ugly because denying yourself or any part of yourself only holds you back and hurts yourself and your progress in life.

Awesomeness, Validation, Pro Adoption and Reality

I was thinking about things the other day and thought of how blessed/lucky I am to have the relationships I do with both my girls amoms. I know not everyone has great relationships or positive experiences with the aparents of their children among other things which make their whole adoption experience suck, but mine has been a positive thing. Of course, there is still a lot of negative and grief and all sorts of emotions/things to deal with being a mother who has placed two daughters for adoption and everything, but there has also been a lot of positive, which I was remembering the other day.

Some of the awesome things I was remembering the other day that I’ve been grateful for with my relationships with both my girls amoms are:

***Bookworm’s (7) mom has opened up and shared a lot with me lately and continues to do so since first talking with me about the divorce etc. with Mr. X (Bookworm’s adad)…it has been interesting talking as I have been lately with Bookworm’s mom because I feel like a whole new side and a whole lot more of her has been revealed to me because she’s opened up to me. And it’s been a great thing for me to experience, to see this whole other part of her that makes her even more of a real awesome person with all her quirks etc. and that much more of a close friend to me and not just my daughter’s amom.

***This is one of the things I thought of that I still think is really awesome…and that is that the last time I talked with Bookworm’s mom around 3-4 weeks ago…while she opened up talking to me about things even more…she asked me for my advice/insight on her new relationship with her boyfriend and things to consider while she’s considering marriage to said bf after her recent divorce. I was floored in so many ways when she asked for my advice/insight because first I was like WHAT cause she’s thinking about marrying another guy already, but then because I was like wow she’s asking me what I think because I’ve been where she is to an extent…I was married, divorced – abusive guy/porn etc…and then years later found and married Hubby and so she was asking me my advice/insight cause she knew that about me and cause she was treating me as her friend and equal and someone who’s advice/insight mattered. I mean I’m not just Bookworm’s bmom to her, ya know and it was so awesome and meant/still means so much to me that she has shared so much with me and asked for my insight and my advice on that situation. I mean isn’t that awesome?!?

***Another awesome thing about Bookworm’s mom…she told me she’s talked to her new boyfriend and told him about me and how we’re friends, stay in touch and talk etc. all the time. I always tell everyone how I’m close, friends and stay in touch with her and assumed she did the same but never knew so that was awesome and validating to me to hear that from her also.

***Bookworm’s mom encourages Bookworm to talk with me etc…doesn’t ever discourage her in anyway about her adoption, me, where she came from etc…I think it’s amazing the way she handles and does things with Bookworm and myself and the whole adoption side of things, if that makes sense.

***Sweet Pea’s (5) mom is just as awesome as Bookworm’s mom and validates and does amazing things as well. One of those things I was thinking about with all these others the other day was that Sweet Pea’s mom has always acknowledged me as Sweet Pea’s mom…she has told me as I have told her a few times she doesn’t think of me as Sweet Pea’s bmom, and I don’t think of her as Sweet Pea’s amom…we think of each other as friends/best friends similar to Bookworm’s mom and I though a little different and we think of each other both as mothers to Sweet Pea. Sweet Pea’s mom has always validated and been open to talking with me about everything…it’s been awesome. I’m just now getting there with Bookworm’s mom…so it took more time with her, but with Sweet Pea’s mom it clicked from the beginning.

***Another awesome thing about Sweet Pea’s mom, just recently within the past 3-4 weeks as well…we were talking and she asked my opinion on how to handle discussing a very sensitive topic with her other daughter, 12 (or 13?) and what I thought about her and her husband wanting to wait until she’s a little older to lay out the full story for her about the sensitive topic in reference to her bfather…which I’m not saying the whole topic etc. because Sweet Pea’s mom asked me not to tell/talk about it with anyone, she was okay with me talking about it to my Hubby and my Dad, but didn’t want me to talk/spread it around so that’s why I’m being generic etc. here. But this was awesome to me that she asked my opinion in much the same way I thought it was awesome that Bookworm’s mom asked my opinion on what I mentioned above…that Sweet Pea’s mom also treats me as an equal and a friend who’s advice/insight and opinion matters and not as just Sweet Pea’s bmom etc.

***Another thing I love about Sweet Pea’s mom is how she asks me sometimes if x, y, or z are traits, behaviors or mannerisms that she’s seen Sweet Pea do that might come from me or my family. She is okay with talking about and often is the one who says or mentions to me how she sees similarities such as hair/face/eyes or this behavior, mannerism or personality trait that she can tell Sweet Pea got from me. I love hearing about how Sweet Pea has things/looks etc. similar to me and Bookworm as well…and recently Sweet Pea’s mom was telling me how her other daughter (also adopted) looks so much like her bdad and then talking about how Sweet Pea looks quite a bit like me. Then Sweet Pea’s mom told me that was fine with her, that she loved having Sweet Pea look like me :D.

***Sweet Pea’s mom also encourages if Sweet Pea wants to talk/know anything about me, her adoption, where she came from etc…Sweet Pea is just at a different age/stage then Bookworm so we don’t talk online or anything like I do with Bookworm…at least not yet anyway. Sweet Pea’s mom talks with me about everything and is just one of my best/closest friends…the list could go on and on, but I’ll leave it at these few things about both my girls moms and our relationships/friendships.

***Something else I thought of the other day with all these things that are awesome and adoption related etc…my family asks about my girls, how they’re doing, how things are, how their afamilies are and asks to see pictures and my parents send them things along with my packages on holidays, birthdays etc…I think it’s great the way my family is about it and doesn’t treat it like it’s taboo or not okay to talk about etc…although my mom isn’t perfect, but see that’s just my mom in general with everything.  Also Hubby and his family ask about my girls etc. and his parents claim my girls as their grandkids too…Hubby’s mom puts their pictures up on her fridge too…they also encourage my relationships with my girls and their families and Hubby talks and is friends with them also.

***One thing I thought of with all these great things that still sticks out to me and means so much to me…more than my Dad will ever know or anyone will ever completely understand…is that I was talking to my Dad on the phone about things…I think it was when I’d found out about Bookworm’s parents divorcing however many months ago now…and I was trying to express some of my thoughts/emotions about this whole new development and how it made me feel regarding the choice I had made to place Bookworm 7-8 years ago now. And really I was trying to express some of my thoughts/emotions that I’d been trying to express about the whole adoption experience and being a mother who’d placed twice etc., but didn’t have the words…and my Dad filled in the blanks and gave me the words…when I was trying to say it’s not that I am saying I didn’t make the right choice/decision because I still believe/feel I did what was right and best for Bookworm and myself in that situation when I placed her…but it’s that I wish or a part of me wishes it could have been different somehow or ugh…I don’t know how to say what I’m trying to say here…I said that to my Dad on the phone and then said…do you know what I’m trying to say here?…after which my Dad said, yes I think I do, you’re saying there’s some regret there and I was like YES, thank you for saying that…and then we went on to discuss it more…it’s still something discussed on and off, but my Dad saying that and talking with me validated me in so many ways and on so many levels…when he said that it resonated with something deep inside me…that I had been trying to voice and find the right words for some time and I love the way he said it.

It wasn’t “I regret that I placed Bookworm or Sweet Pea for adoption”…it was that there is SOME REGRET there…meaning it’s okay for me to feel some regret because I think for a long time I felt like I couldn’t be okay and know I did what was right/best for both my girls when I placed them and still feel some regret about it, but talking with my Dad etc. about it and then processing through it some more I’ve just recently come to the realization that it’s okay to have some regret and still know/feel that I did what was right/best in placing both my girls. It was so awesome that moment with my Dad and that conversation to start coming to that realization that I did have some regret, but I still know and feel that I did what was right/best for my girls and myself when I placed them, if that makes any sense cause I know it does to me and it felt freeing to me to talk with my Dad and have him give me the words I was searching for to express myself and for him to validate me so awesomely as he did with that.

Because after he said to me well yeah I think you’re saying you have some regret, he said and that is to be expected…how could you not go through what you did and not feel/have to deal with the element of regret as well as the grief and everything else you’ve been experiencing and dealing with all this time since you placed both Bookworm and Sweet Pea. It was just an awesome, awesome moment for me and for me to have with My Dad as well that I think will forever stick out to me and it was another good step for me in dealing with all my emotions and everything.

So, there ya have it all the awesome, amazing things I’ve thought of recently that are adoption related among other things that I felt the need to write down.  And there it is…I’m still more of a pro adoption person then an anti adoption person and that’s my choice…some of you may not agree or be upset with me/at me because I am not anti adoption, but it is who I am and what I choose to be.  And while I’m more of a pro adoption person…I don’t, however, think adoption is the answer for every girl who finds herself in a position where she is considering adoption, parenting or abortion…I think it is a very valid choice and can be a good choice if it’s the right/best thing or you feel it’s the right/best thing for you and your child, but I don’t agree with unethical adoption practices…or mothers being coerced/pressured to place their child for adoption or told that they can’t talk about it and so on.

I just feel that adoption can be a good choice if it’s a choice/decision that’s made with the right kind of help and such…with the understanding that a mother can change her mind at any time whether she’s choosing to parent or place etc…meaning if she wants to parent and changes her mind to place that’s her choice if she feels it’s best and has examined her options wisely and thought it through and if she wants to place and changes her mind to parent that’s her choice as well too.  I don’t look down on anyone who chooses to parent not place or anything…there is no easy choice or easy way out when you find yourself in the kind of situation where you find yourself considering the options of adoption, parenting/single parenting or abortion (side note here I don’t consider abortion an option personally…I simply put it because most people consider those three choices to be what you choose from when faced with an unwed pregnancy etc., but I’ve never considered abortion to be an option because just as I’m more of a pro adoption person, I’m pro life and strongly against abortion).

So, these are just my thoughts and opinions on things…and while I support adoption as a good, valid choice if it is made wisely and from an educated standpoint etc. and is what you feel is best…I also feel that it should be shared when a girl/woman is deciding whether to place or not etc…that there will be some regret and it will be hard no matter what…the agency I used both times called me in once to talk to a girl considering placing her child for adoption and they wanted me to talk to her…when I went and talked to her…I asked her questions about what she thought and felt and what she’d found out…what she kept coming back to is I don’t know what to do, I don’t know so I told her this…”what it comes down to is can you live with this or not? I mean you have to listen to your heart and what you think/feel and you have to say to yourself if I decide to place does it feel right, can I do it and if I do it, will I be able to look back in a year or so I say I’m okay with what I did and the choice I made because what it comes down to is what you know in your heart and what choice you can live with and what you know is best for you and your child.” I also told her not to think or worry/consider anyone else and their opinion or how they factored in…just herself and her baby and what she felt in her heart and could she look back and be okay with that she placed because if not she most likely should not do it…I believe she chose to parent her baby…and that was not just because of what I said but because she already knew that in her heart that she couldn’t place and be okay with it and that she didn’t feel it was best for her and her baby and that was her choice and I’m glad she did what she knew was best and right for her and her child, just like I did for me and my girls.

I don’t try to paint rosy pictures although it is or may seem rosy at times…I just try to be real when I talk about my experience and emotions with having placed both my daughters for adoption and how it’s affected and continues to affect me, my family and my life in a lot of ways that aren’t always expected either. As long as someone has all the facts and isn’t pressured or coerced and feels adoption is the right/best thing for them to do then I support it and that’s my two cents on that  along with my awesome facts about my girls moms, my experience, my family and everything :).

It’s Her Birthday This Sunday…

In two days, one of my girls I placed, will turn 7 yrs. old…how did that happen…where does the time go?

It’s hard to believe it’s been that long…that long for me in this whole ‘adoption world’…7 yrs…it’s wild.

And as usual, I have different emotions going on with her birthday time and all…but still it’s not as painful or hard to deal with, at least in some ways, compared to 2-3 years ago anyway.

Some things that make it better are that I’m married to a good guy, nice guy…that matches me and we get along great…and that I have contact with both my girls and their families via FB, e-mail/letters, mailing packages, etc…and that I recently had a little bit of a convo with my girl who’s turning 7 and she told me a little bit of her day that day and how she was excited to meet me etc. one day, which means a lot to me, ya know.

Another thing that makes it better, but is also kinda scary as well is that…we (hubby and I) are talking/planning to start our family soon…so that idea and plan makes things interesting – scary, happy, exciting and freaky all at once kind of thing, ya know.

And things are good for me, with me and my life overall…and with both my girls and their familes and all our relationships/friendships and in the next couple weeks, I’ll be hanging out with my 5 yr. old’s parents again…which I’m really excited about too.

There are just a lot of good things going on and in my life right now…so it makes dealing with birthday times of both my girls easier now than it use to be, ya know.

But don’t get me wrong, there’s still sadness and that bittersweet feeling underlying there around their birthdays…it just is what it is, ya know.

It Was a Good Mother’s Day This Year =)!!!

I had one of the best Mother’s Days this year around. For the first time in quite a while, I didn’t really dwell on it being Mother’s Day and what I was missing out on with not being with my two girls I placed or having mixed and hard feelings like I often do in association with the holiday known as Mother’s Day.

So, I’m making progress…still…in life and with healing etc. after having placed my two girls. That’s not to say that I didn’t think about either of my girls and their families because I did…it’s just to say that I enjoyed time with my husband and his parents since we went to visit his mom, who is awesome by the way, for Mother’s Day.

I had a good, fun and relaxing day and wondered about my girls and their families and what I’d get from them, but I didn’t get down or angry or have mixed feelings about it…not that that part of my emotions in regard to my girls and all will completely go away, but it’s progress for me. And it was nice, in a way, to just enjoy and be happy and not even really think about the fact that it was Mother’s Day this year…I mean, ya know what I mean =p.

I did just get a package and a card from my 6 yr. old and her family today/yesterday. The package was a book from her family and the card was from my 6 yr. old – she wrote a little note and signed her name and her parents signed their names too. I was just really excited cause I got pictures with the card and she wrote the note, wrote she loves me and signed her name all herself – pretty cool, don’t ya think :D.

I haven’t got anything specific from my 4 1/2 yr. old and her family yet, but I’m friends with her mom on Facebook so we have posted and talked with each other recently =). She’ll be getting her Mother’s Day present from me today and when I talked to her a few days ago, she was still trying to decide about Mother’s Day gifts…all I want/need is pictures of my 4 1/2 yr old…I’m not hard to please that way :D. We’re also planning to talk and see if we can get together and hang out so good stuff there.

My hubby got recommended for a promotion at work too and I’m going to get a Kindle – YAY, hopefully, soon and then we’re getting a lot closer to be able to moving out on our own soon – finally – hopefully sooner than we think. For the time being…to make things a little better…my parents are going away…out of town…for a couple weeks…leaving in the next day or two – YAY! Then around the time my parents come back into town…we’re going out of town again for 4-5 days to a fancy hotel for our one year anniversary, if you can believe we’ve been married that long already – YAY!

Then we’re probably going to end up going back to visit his parents again in a while and I’m planning to go and finally meet/hang out with a friend in Phoenix, AZ area this summer, as soon as we move out, then my hubby says I can leave and do whatever I want…but I can’t leave him alone while we’re leaving here with my scary mom in the house lol…which for more than just that reason…I wouldn’t want to go until we’ve moved out too though.

Anyway, lots of things happening and good stuff going on here…oh and I guess I should post some of this to the family blog we have ha ha. Hubby is also going to be going back to school online this fall…that’s pretty much for sure…and I’ll be applying and seeing if I can start back to school online this fall too and stuff…so we’ve been busy with life and getting things to happen…which, they’re finally starting to happen now – YAY!

And if you couldn’t tell…I’m a little hyped up right now…cause hubby just came home from work and told me about his promotion recommendation and just before that I got the cool Mother’s Day card from my 6 yr old. with pictures and now I’m typing all this getting excited about life and things happening and all lol.

Side note here…sitting here typing and a bird just kinda crashed/bumped into the window and then flew off lol.

I’m really excited…

cause I just talked/chatted online with my 4 1/2 yr. old’s mom and it was awesome :).

We haven’t talked or seen each other since I had and placed my girl with her at the agency so yeah it’s been 4 1/2 years since I last saw and/or talked to her. We added each other on Facebook and chatted online just like really great old friends who hadn’t talked for a while.

I’m just really excited cause it was great and I love her…she’s so awesome and we were talking about all sorts of things with life and mentioned about getting together to hang out sometime in the future…so we’ll see when that happens and what not…but for now this is another step for us in regards to being more open, but also another step for us in our friendship.

YAY for me! I just had to share and I know I have other things to update on, but for now I have to try to calm myself down to go to sleep in a little bit here – ha ha.

“P.S. I Love You”

It’s a great movie…it’s a chick flick by most definitions, but it’s one of the best movies I’ve seen in a while in that category.

I definitely recommend you rent it and watch it, if you haven’t seen it already…but when you watch it…make sure you have tissues handy because it may just catch you off guard and you may end up crying or at least getting teary eyed in parts.

I didn’t cry…but I came close in a couple parts and I did get teary eyed quite a few times…but I also laughed and smiled and it was a movie that was about love, loss, grief, mourning, moving forward with life and happiness – finding it no matter the circumstances and so many other messages came across in the movie to me.

I LOVED the movie and want to go buy it and add it to my collection now.  I highly recommend it.

On another topic, I had a pretty good Mother’s Day, but right before I went to watch the movie with my fiance, I was having some of the Mother’s Day Blues hit, you know the ones…it’s just that I sent e-cards and gift cards to both my girls moms and my own mom and both my girls moms sent me something, said thanks and acknowleged me, but my own mom didn’t.

This was the first Mother’s Day since I placed my first, who’s now 5, that my own mother said nothing to me and sent nothing to me on Mother’s Day.  I didn’t call her though I debated about it, but I thought hey I sent her a card/e-card and a gift certificate so I thought she would call or e-mail me back to say thanks or to send me something to say Happy Mother’s Day, but she didn’t do anything.

I, of course, haven’t been talking to her really at all for the past week or so since I left on my little vacation down here to AZ to visit and help my fiance’s parents with wedding reception planning for down here.  Plus I did take the break to come down here on this little vacation to take a break from her and her constant harrassing and twenty questions driving me crazy with stress etc. with the wedding planning.  If you know much about me and my relationship with my mom, you know I don’t get along the best with her and there were many issues that came out in counseling that had to do with her and that I discovered that she was a big part of reasons why I made choices I did even though I ultimately made my own choices and everything else on my own – she contributed greatly to the way some things happened, which weren’t positive and it also boiled down to co-dependency, which I’m now a recovering co-dependent, but my mom has not figured these things out yet and tries to suck me back in to her world where she controls me and everything, which I don’t let her control me or my life in any way anymore.

My mom and I have grown apart over the past 5 years or so because when I started to realize her unhealthy influence on me and start working on my own path of being healthy without letting her have the same power and influence on me as she use to have most of my life, it was when I had and placed my first girl.  Then it became even more of a noticeable distance and more of a noticeable gap that I let grow and pushed away from her and her unhealthy influence 3 1/2 -4 years ago when I realized even more through counseling as well as my own personal insights etc. how unhealthy it was for me to let my mom in my life too much because of the co-dependency issues and self-esteem issues.

It’s just that I use to always know without a doubt that even though my mom and I don’t get along the best, she would at least acknowledge me and thank me for her cards and gifts on Mother’s Day and she didn’t this year.  I don’t know if she didn’t do it because I didn’t call because I thought the card and gift certificate was good enough or if she didn’t do it cause she didn’t want to stress me out more, but the sad thing is…I think and I wouldn’t be surprised at all if she did it just to spite me, to be petty and throw a tantrum in her own way because I wasn’t there on Mother’s Day, because I took a break from her, because I don’t let her control me anymore, because I don’t let her in my life the way she wants so she can control things anymore, because I haven’t let her plan MY wedding the way she wants it, because I have taken a stand for myself even with her as my own mother and she doesn’t like it, because I didn’t call her even though I sent her a card and a gift certificate…when I didn’t even feel like doing that much for her on Mother’s Day.

It hurts me, saddens me and upsets me to think that my own mother would and may have stooped that low to hurt me because things aren’t going her way and I’m not letting her in my life to control me or do what she wants anymore.

But at least my fiance and his family recognized me and were great with me for Mother’s Day and at least both my girls mothers recognize me and sent me something too.  My sister-in-law and a few other family members at least sent me something even though my own sister and my own mother didn’t…it doesn’t bother me so much that my own sister didn’t even though I sent her something…it just bothered me that my own mother couldn’t send me anything or even at least just have thanked me for her card and gift certificate…but I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised and I suppose there’s always the chance that I’ll get an e-mail or a call in the next day or two from her saying she’s sorry she was busy or something and that’s why she didn’t acknowledge me on Mother’s Day…somehow I don’t know if any excuse she gives will be enough…that’s just more reason to me for the rift between us to grow and more reason to me why I still won’t let her back in my life the way she wants to be where she can control me and things.

So, that’s how I was thinking and feeling when I cuddled up with my fiance and we watched the movie, “P.S. I Love You” and then I realized while watching it and after it was over that I have the most important people in my life who love me unconditionally, respect me and acknowledge me whether my own mother does or not.  I have one of the best things that’s ever happened to me in my fiance…he always looks out for me and my well being and he was the one who suggested this break from things and saw how the stress and my mom was affecting me negatively and he’s pampered me, let me stay up late, sleep in, help when I can, do what I want and never forced or pressured me into anything.  He spoils me rotten, he’s truly my other half and when I was watching this movie about love and life, I realized for the first time, I have what I want and I don’t have to look anymore…this is really it.

I don’t know how to explain it really, but in the past when I was dating, semi-engaged or unofficially engaged etc. with other guys and we watched some love story movie together…I always found myself looking at myself and the guy I was with watching the movie and wondering if this was really as good as it got and couldn’t there be someone better for me out there…I realized often times watching those kinds of movies with other guys that they weren’t the ones for me and watching those love story movies with these other guys in my past made me think and want more than what I had with that guy or in that relationship.

But this time, watching this movie of a love story, I knew that this wasn’t as good as it gets, that it will only get better for me with my fiance, that our love will only grow deeper and stronger…and I knew that there is absolutely no way that there could be anyone better out there for me than him…he is it and I couldn’t be happier nor could I have picked a better guy than him.  What watching this movie of this love story made me realize was that I had the best there was for me and it made me want to enjoy and make every moment with him the best.

It made me realize I’m the lucky one and that life’s too short to dwell on what I may not have with my mother or others when I have something this wonderful with my fiance and such great friendships and relationships with both my girls mothers and so many friends and others, you know who you all are.  I couldn’t be luckier, more blessed and more loved than I am.

Thanks to all of you who love me unconditionally and are always there for me, you know who you are and I send all my love and hugs to all of you as well.

After 5 Years…

It’s all still here…all the pain, sadness, happiness…the bitter with the sweet…I can still remember clearly holding my baby girl in my arms and the bitter with the sweet when thinking of her and those few days I had before I placed her in the arms of her parents.

I was talking to my Dad on the phone a little bit ago and we were talking about how we can’t believe it’s been 5 years already…where does the time go…how does it go so fast and then I’ve wondered how I’ve kept going sometimes without my girls…5 years without A, who’s birthday it is today and 3 years without K…how has that much time passed…

While my Dad and I were talking we were remembering the dreary weather that weekend 5 years ago when A was born and I remembered for the first time in quite some time…some parts I’ve blocked out…of the pain and the emotions I felt and how it was for me when I went home alone without my little girl and woke up that first morning after alone without her too…and now I understand why I haven’t remembered and have blocked those memories and emotions out for a while like I have…cause having thought and remembered them now…brings it all back and my heart is hurting again *sighs*.

I can’t believe she’s 5 years old today and going to start kindergarten this year and she’s growing up without me…oh I knew this is what I signed up for when I placed her…but it just hits you different on their birthdays for some reason…

I still remember sitting by her in the nursery when I couldn’t sleep and how she was having trouble sleeping that night too so I stayed with her a while and how her little hand wrapped around my finger and then she could sleep.  How could I not remember that powerful moment and memory…when I felt the strength of the mother/daughter bond with her little hand on mine and now she’s 5 years old…it just blows my mind.

I hope all her dreams come true and that she gets my birthday presents in the mail today.  I still have to write her birthday letter and e-mail it asap…I just wish it didn’t have to be so emotional and hard at times to write the birthday letters.

I’m already emotional…trying not to be ha ha…like it’s possible to not be emotional on their birthdays.

Anyway…I’m trying to think of things to say for the birthday letter…and like I wrote when it was K’s birthday in November…I just miss her…so much…and it seems like I’ve said it all before so I never know what else I can say other than simply I miss her so so much.

Happy Birthday to my little Princess…I hope all your dreams come true (((HUGS))) to you on your special day =).