I was thinking about things the other day and thought of how blessed/lucky I am to have the relationships I do with both my girls amoms. I know not everyone has great relationships or positive experiences with the aparents of their children among other things which make their whole adoption experience suck, but mine has been a positive thing. Of course, there is still a lot of negative and grief and all sorts of emotions/things to deal with being a mother who has placed two daughters for adoption and everything, but there has also been a lot of positive, which I was remembering the other day.
Some of the awesome things I was remembering the other day that I’ve been grateful for with my relationships with both my girls amoms are:
***Bookworm’s (7) mom has opened up and shared a lot with me lately and continues to do so since first talking with me about the divorce etc. with Mr. X (Bookworm’s adad)…it has been interesting talking as I have been lately with Bookworm’s mom because I feel like a whole new side and a whole lot more of her has been revealed to me because she’s opened up to me. And it’s been a great thing for me to experience, to see this whole other part of her that makes her even more of a real awesome person with all her quirks etc. and that much more of a close friend to me and not just my daughter’s amom.
***This is one of the things I thought of that I still think is really awesome…and that is that the last time I talked with Bookworm’s mom around 3-4 weeks ago…while she opened up talking to me about things even more…she asked me for my advice/insight on her new relationship with her boyfriend and things to consider while she’s considering marriage to said bf after her recent divorce. I was floored in so many ways when she asked for my advice/insight because first I was like WHAT cause she’s thinking about marrying another guy already, but then because I was like wow she’s asking me what I think because I’ve been where she is to an extent…I was married, divorced – abusive guy/porn etc…and then years later found and married Hubby and so she was asking me my advice/insight cause she knew that about me and cause she was treating me as her friend and equal and someone who’s advice/insight mattered. I mean I’m not just Bookworm’s bmom to her, ya know and it was so awesome and meant/still means so much to me that she has shared so much with me and asked for my insight and my advice on that situation. I mean isn’t that awesome?!?
***Another awesome thing about Bookworm’s mom…she told me she’s talked to her new boyfriend and told him about me and how we’re friends, stay in touch and talk etc. all the time. I always tell everyone how I’m close, friends and stay in touch with her and assumed she did the same but never knew so that was awesome and validating to me to hear that from her also.
***Bookworm’s mom encourages Bookworm to talk with me etc…doesn’t ever discourage her in anyway about her adoption, me, where she came from etc…I think it’s amazing the way she handles and does things with Bookworm and myself and the whole adoption side of things, if that makes sense.
***Sweet Pea’s (5) mom is just as awesome as Bookworm’s mom and validates and does amazing things as well. One of those things I was thinking about with all these others the other day was that Sweet Pea’s mom has always acknowledged me as Sweet Pea’s mom…she has told me as I have told her a few times she doesn’t think of me as Sweet Pea’s bmom, and I don’t think of her as Sweet Pea’s amom…we think of each other as friends/best friends similar to Bookworm’s mom and I though a little different and we think of each other both as mothers to Sweet Pea. Sweet Pea’s mom has always validated and been open to talking with me about everything…it’s been awesome. I’m just now getting there with Bookworm’s mom…so it took more time with her, but with Sweet Pea’s mom it clicked from the beginning.
***Another awesome thing about Sweet Pea’s mom, just recently within the past 3-4 weeks as well…we were talking and she asked my opinion on how to handle discussing a very sensitive topic with her other daughter, 12 (or 13?) and what I thought about her and her husband wanting to wait until she’s a little older to lay out the full story for her about the sensitive topic in reference to her bfather…which I’m not saying the whole topic etc. because Sweet Pea’s mom asked me not to tell/talk about it with anyone, she was okay with me talking about it to my Hubby and my Dad, but didn’t want me to talk/spread it around so that’s why I’m being generic etc. here. But this was awesome to me that she asked my opinion in much the same way I thought it was awesome that Bookworm’s mom asked my opinion on what I mentioned above…that Sweet Pea’s mom also treats me as an equal and a friend who’s advice/insight and opinion matters and not as just Sweet Pea’s bmom etc.
***Another thing I love about Sweet Pea’s mom is how she asks me sometimes if x, y, or z are traits, behaviors or mannerisms that she’s seen Sweet Pea do that might come from me or my family. She is okay with talking about and often is the one who says or mentions to me how she sees similarities such as hair/face/eyes or this behavior, mannerism or personality trait that she can tell Sweet Pea got from me. I love hearing about how Sweet Pea has things/looks etc. similar to me and Bookworm as well…and recently Sweet Pea’s mom was telling me how her other daughter (also adopted) looks so much like her bdad and then talking about how Sweet Pea looks quite a bit like me. Then Sweet Pea’s mom told me that was fine with her, that she loved having Sweet Pea look like me :D.
***Sweet Pea’s mom also encourages if Sweet Pea wants to talk/know anything about me, her adoption, where she came from etc…Sweet Pea is just at a different age/stage then Bookworm so we don’t talk online or anything like I do with Bookworm…at least not yet anyway. Sweet Pea’s mom talks with me about everything and is just one of my best/closest friends…the list could go on and on, but I’ll leave it at these few things about both my girls moms and our relationships/friendships.
***Something else I thought of the other day with all these things that are awesome and adoption related etc…my family asks about my girls, how they’re doing, how things are, how their afamilies are and asks to see pictures and my parents send them things along with my packages on holidays, birthdays etc…I think it’s great the way my family is about it and doesn’t treat it like it’s taboo or not okay to talk about etc…although my mom isn’t perfect, but see that’s just my mom in general with everything. Also Hubby and his family ask about my girls etc. and his parents claim my girls as their grandkids too…Hubby’s mom puts their pictures up on her fridge too…they also encourage my relationships with my girls and their families and Hubby talks and is friends with them also.
***One thing I thought of with all these great things that still sticks out to me and means so much to me…more than my Dad will ever know or anyone will ever completely understand…is that I was talking to my Dad on the phone about things…I think it was when I’d found out about Bookworm’s parents divorcing however many months ago now…and I was trying to express some of my thoughts/emotions about this whole new development and how it made me feel regarding the choice I had made to place Bookworm 7-8 years ago now. And really I was trying to express some of my thoughts/emotions that I’d been trying to express about the whole adoption experience and being a mother who’d placed twice etc., but didn’t have the words…and my Dad filled in the blanks and gave me the words…when I was trying to say it’s not that I am saying I didn’t make the right choice/decision because I still believe/feel I did what was right and best for Bookworm and myself in that situation when I placed her…but it’s that I wish or a part of me wishes it could have been different somehow or ugh…I don’t know how to say what I’m trying to say here…I said that to my Dad on the phone and then said…do you know what I’m trying to say here?…after which my Dad said, yes I think I do, you’re saying there’s some regret there and I was like YES, thank you for saying that…and then we went on to discuss it more…it’s still something discussed on and off, but my Dad saying that and talking with me validated me in so many ways and on so many levels…when he said that it resonated with something deep inside me…that I had been trying to voice and find the right words for some time and I love the way he said it.
It wasn’t “I regret that I placed Bookworm or Sweet Pea for adoption”…it was that there is SOME REGRET there…meaning it’s okay for me to feel some regret because I think for a long time I felt like I couldn’t be okay and know I did what was right/best for both my girls when I placed them and still feel some regret about it, but talking with my Dad etc. about it and then processing through it some more I’ve just recently come to the realization that it’s okay to have some regret and still know/feel that I did what was right/best in placing both my girls. It was so awesome that moment with my Dad and that conversation to start coming to that realization that I did have some regret, but I still know and feel that I did what was right/best for my girls and myself when I placed them, if that makes any sense cause I know it does to me and it felt freeing to me to talk with my Dad and have him give me the words I was searching for to express myself and for him to validate me so awesomely as he did with that.
Because after he said to me well yeah I think you’re saying you have some regret, he said and that is to be expected…how could you not go through what you did and not feel/have to deal with the element of regret as well as the grief and everything else you’ve been experiencing and dealing with all this time since you placed both Bookworm and Sweet Pea. It was just an awesome, awesome moment for me and for me to have with My Dad as well that I think will forever stick out to me and it was another good step for me in dealing with all my emotions and everything.
So, there ya have it all the awesome, amazing things I’ve thought of recently that are adoption related among other things that I felt the need to write down. And there it is…I’m still more of a pro adoption person then an anti adoption person and that’s my choice…some of you may not agree or be upset with me/at me because I am not anti adoption, but it is who I am and what I choose to be. And while I’m more of a pro adoption person…I don’t, however, think adoption is the answer for every girl who finds herself in a position where she is considering adoption, parenting or abortion…I think it is a very valid choice and can be a good choice if it’s the right/best thing or you feel it’s the right/best thing for you and your child, but I don’t agree with unethical adoption practices…or mothers being coerced/pressured to place their child for adoption or told that they can’t talk about it and so on.
I just feel that adoption can be a good choice if it’s a choice/decision that’s made with the right kind of help and such…with the understanding that a mother can change her mind at any time whether she’s choosing to parent or place etc…meaning if she wants to parent and changes her mind to place that’s her choice if she feels it’s best and has examined her options wisely and thought it through and if she wants to place and changes her mind to parent that’s her choice as well too. I don’t look down on anyone who chooses to parent not place or anything…there is no easy choice or easy way out when you find yourself in the kind of situation where you find yourself considering the options of adoption, parenting/single parenting or abortion (side note here I don’t consider abortion an option personally…I simply put it because most people consider those three choices to be what you choose from when faced with an unwed pregnancy etc., but I’ve never considered abortion to be an option because just as I’m more of a pro adoption person, I’m pro life and strongly against abortion).
So, these are just my thoughts and opinions on things…and while I support adoption as a good, valid choice if it is made wisely and from an educated standpoint etc. and is what you feel is best…I also feel that it should be shared when a girl/woman is deciding whether to place or not etc…that there will be some regret and it will be hard no matter what…the agency I used both times called me in once to talk to a girl considering placing her child for adoption and they wanted me to talk to her…when I went and talked to her…I asked her questions about what she thought and felt and what she’d found out…what she kept coming back to is I don’t know what to do, I don’t know so I told her this…”what it comes down to is can you live with this or not? I mean you have to listen to your heart and what you think/feel and you have to say to yourself if I decide to place does it feel right, can I do it and if I do it, will I be able to look back in a year or so I say I’m okay with what I did and the choice I made because what it comes down to is what you know in your heart and what choice you can live with and what you know is best for you and your child.” I also told her not to think or worry/consider anyone else and their opinion or how they factored in…just herself and her baby and what she felt in her heart and could she look back and be okay with that she placed because if not she most likely should not do it…I believe she chose to parent her baby…and that was not just because of what I said but because she already knew that in her heart that she couldn’t place and be okay with it and that she didn’t feel it was best for her and her baby and that was her choice and I’m glad she did what she knew was best and right for her and her child, just like I did for me and my girls.
I don’t try to paint rosy pictures although it is or may seem rosy at times…I just try to be real when I talk about my experience and emotions with having placed both my daughters for adoption and how it’s affected and continues to affect me, my family and my life in a lot of ways that aren’t always expected either. As long as someone has all the facts and isn’t pressured or coerced and feels adoption is the right/best thing for them to do then I support it and that’s my two cents on that along with my awesome facts about my girls moms, my experience, my family and everything :).