Wondering…

and thinking…probably too much and too deep about things :p.  I don’t know really how to put into words what I’m wondering or thinking here, but I guess what I’d say is that it has to do with my fears and stuff…again.

I don’t know…I get pessimistic and negative about the success of relationships sometimes…especially when they’re fine and I think because of my past bad experiences, which I shouldn’t let the past influence me this way – it’s still a work in progress…but I sometimes feel like I’m just waiting for something to go wrong.  I mean, ya know, sometimes when you feel like you’re in the calm before a storm and you feel like you’re waiting for something majorly bad to happen that might be waiting just around the corner to screw you and your hopes and dreams over…if that makes any sense at all, ya know.

I scare myself with this whole relationship thing, I think.  I don’t know I’ve just been racking myself over the coals again lately thinking and over -thinking and over – analyzing everything lately.  I’m just like in this dumb insecure state of mind on and off recently where I’m like thinking to myself he says he loves me, but does he really mean it or is he just saying it…I mean does he really love me the way I love him or am I once again the one that loves him a lot and he doesn’t love me back the same…ya know.  I mean he’s not given me any reason to think or wonder that and I know he does love me, but that stupid voice is creeping in again.

Well and then me with my stupid issues and insecurities…he and I were at the store the other night, having fun and getting some things and he was asking me questions and one of the questions was about roses, which led to him telling me about how many roses he’s bought in his life and for who.  Then he tells me about this girl that he dated and about this girl that’s one of his best friends and let’s just say I always feel kind of insecure and whatever when he talks about this girl that he’s good friends with – okay so I have some jealousy issues I deal with there.  I met this girl that he’s good friends with over Thanksgiving break and it’s not like I should have any jealousy issues there, but I do – ya know how that girl thing is…well with me anyway.

I don’t know…I mean okay he was telling me how he all went to the prom twice in high school and I never went to prom.  Okay, I know everyone can stop dying of shock now…ha, ha…I didn’t go to prom in high school…I had a guy ask me once and then he told me he wanted me to go with his friend and not him so I said no and didn’t go to prom.  I’ve always been like I feel like I’m such a dork cause I didn’t go to prom and stuff, but yeah, ya know.

Then I was all being stupid with my fears and all after listening to him talk about these girls and so forth and so I started thinking to myself that he should be with this girl he’s friends with and not me because they’re such good friends and all.  I mean from the very beginning when I first started hanging out with him, I heard about this girl he’s good friends with and from the very beginning, I kept telling myself I shouldn’t let myself like him or anything because he’s probably stuck on this girl he’s good friends with is what I thought at first…well as we can see that went out the window and didn’t work so well because here I am and I love him :p.

Anyway, I guess because of being stupid with my fears and all, I did something yesterday that could have messed up the relationship if I had let it or whatever.  I kind of made him upset by doing something that I knew would annoy him because I was thinking to myself I need to put some distance so I don’t get hurt when he breaks up with me to go be with this girl he’s friends with because for some weird, dumb reason…I got it in my head that it’s only a matter of time before he’ll break up with me and want to go be with this girl that he’s friends with and known longer than me because let’s be realistic here…since when do things work out for me the way I hope, dream or want them too…yes, I know…another thought from the vault of fear and insecurity there. 

So, yesterday, I had myself convinced that it was only a matter of time before he’d break up with me to go be with this other girl that he’s good friends with and known longer than me.  Then I keep doing this to myself, I guess it’s a way of trying to keep myself in check with reality and what not, but I keep doing this to myself where when we talk or mention the “m” word, family, future/possible future together…I think about it and think yeah I want to be with him that way and I could see this working etc. etc. and then I stop, think and tell myself…but all we’re doing is talking and thinking about it all and it will never happen so don’t get your hopes up…I mean, ya know.  I guess that’s a combination of trying to keep reality in check with my fears and insecurities having their voice at the same time, right?

I just get so scared, nervous and worried about things and messing up again…I guess you could say I have issues I keep dealing with in trusting myself with decisions and/or thoughts of decisions like this one would be, if/when it ever happens, ya know. 

Geez, I told you I’ve been freakin wondering and thinking too much and letting my fears and crap get to me too much recently :p.  I need to stop thinking and over-thinking these things…easier said than done, I know.

Anyway, I’ve got to run to the store to do some grocery shopping for the next couple weeks before I go home for Christmas break.  

Man, I’m entering into another level of being vulnerable, open and having to be more trusting or something, not sure how to say what I’m thinking/feeling here…but this would be why I’m freakin out some lately…because of this new level of being vulnerable and all, which isn’t my favorite thing to be vulnerable, ya know :p. 

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