Feeling Vulnerable…

…of course, after I’m on a high, I bring myself down to earth and have a freak out session here – typical.

I hate that and I hate dealing with my fears, insecurities and being vulnerable with all this.  I’ve never been so scared in my life as I am now, not that being scared is necessarily a bad thing, but ya know. I just don’t like being a girl sometimes, ya know lol. 

It’s like the better it gets, the more scared I get when I have my freak out sessions, which are getting to be fewer and farther between, but I still have to deal with them at times.  I had a major freak out/break down last night/this morning after I was with him again because it was like I realized on another level how much I have at stake here.

I came home last night and was all calm and thought this is great, I’m fine, everything’s fine and I’m going to go to bed instead of staying up thinking.  Well, I was wrong with that, I ended up thinking about stuff and all of a sudden finding myself totally freakin myself out and didn’t go to sleep until morning so I kept myself up all night with my freak out session – so annoying when I do that to myself.

It’s just that I started having my stupid insecurities and fears creep into my thoughts, which they haven’t done in a while so I suppose it was time for them to visit again.  Annoying little thoughts…anyway all of a sudden I realized and became aware on another level how much I have at stake now and it scared me.

The thing is that I’ve never had this much at stake before, I’ve never put this much into anything before like I’m putting into this.  I’ve never been so vulnerable, never laid myself so bare, never been so open with someone and never put myself out there so much like I am now.  I’ve never cared so much, I’ve never wanted anything or anyone so much, I’ve never hoped and prayed and cried and been all over the place so much because of hoping and wanting so much to be with someone or to have something work out like I do now.

I’ve never invested so much in anything before so I’ve never been this scared and nervous about losing him or what I’ll do if I lose him or being broken and shattered again.  I’ve never held my breath waiting and watching to see what will happen so much as I do now.

I’ve never loved anyone or felt like this about anyone or anything like I do about him.  I love him so much, it scares me and it keeps getting to be so that I love him and become that much more vulnerable with each minute, hour and day that passes. 

It’s just that I love him so deeply and so much, there are no words to express it and it makes me that much more vulnerable, nervous and scared at times. 

Well and it never made sense to me before, all the things everyone told me about what it was like for them loving someone, waiting and holding their breath to see what would happen with their situations until now.  Now so much makes sense to me that never made sense to me before…like how I use to hear about girls crying and flipping out when they’d get proposed to, I never understood that before now. 

Now I totally understand why girls freak out when they get proposed to and I didn’t freak out when my ex-husband proposed to me and we got engaged.  I laughed when he proposed to me…guess that should have been a sign among many I should’ve noticed, but oh well, the past is the past.  Well and then when one of my other exes tried to propose to me, all that would come out of my mouth was the word No, I couldn’t say yes, so glad I didn’t marry him though – ew.

Anyway, this stuff is pretty intense and stressful sometimes, ya know.  This is one of those times that I wish I could skip ahead and read the end of the book to see what happens so to speak, but I can’t. 

If only I knew, I keep thinking I know, but then I get nervous and insecure and doubt the things I thought I knew.  I just don’t want to be broken again, I mean, of course, if I had to, I’d make it through being broken again, but the thing is that I realized with how much I have at stake here now is how hard it will be and how much I will be broken if I get broken again.  I will be broken and shattered worse than I was after my ex-husband this time because this is so much better and more real and means that much more to me than my ex-husband ever did.

I guess that tells you in another way how much I love and feel for Cory and how much he means to me with what I’ve said here too, doesn’t it.

5 comments on “Feeling Vulnerable…

  1. i totally understand. when i get vulnerable, i get insecure. and then i have thought of running away just so im not the one getting hurt. but i realize that i could never be the one to leave him. i love him too much. it would be too hard. i have to take risks. and get over all the stuff that has happened to me in the past. if we dont work out, there is nothing i can do to stop that. so i just try to keep telling myself to enjoy the ride. glad to know there are so many others though, that feel like i do sometimes.

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