I feel like I’m going back and forth with that old familiar sad funk that comes around each of my girl’s birthdays.
I was doing better cause I talked with my Dad and was with my boyfriend and feeling better last night, but then I don’t know I was by myself and that sad funk came back again. I put a playlist of sad/adoption songs on myspace too so that probably didn’t help my emotions, but then again maybe it did, I don’t know.
I just am in that place where it hurts so bad right now and I don’t know how I’ve survived so far and how it is that I keep going and don’t break apart. I mean, ya know what I mean here.
It’s just, does anyone else feel like it hurts so bad, that their heart hurts so bad that they want to rip it out or stop feeling around the birthday and placement day sometimes. I wish I could be numb for this time frame of each year sometimes, ya know.
It hurts so much sometimes. I feel like this actual physical pain with my heart around their birthdays sometimes and when I cry and sob my heart out, the pain with my heart seems to get worse at times. I’m having to find different ways to make it through this time and deal with it all with being away from home and my usual support system.
I do have my boyfriend there for me, but I don’t want to put it all on him, if ya know what I mean. I don’t know, I should be sleeping right now, but instead I’m sitting here whining and writing about my pain and grief *sighs*, this is one of those times where I’m wondering if this ever gets easier.
My boyfriend was telling me that what I need and what could help me is to have and raise my own child/children, which I do need that and it will help some, I think, but I can’t do that yet. I have to get married and stuff before I can have another child to raise as my own and even though that will help and that’s part of what I need, it won’t make my pain and grief completely disappear.
Can we just fast forward to a week from today when her birthday and all will be over with already? Can someone just take this pain away from me? I really don’t know how I bear this sometimes and wish it would lessen somehow at times.
I’ll be fine, just going through my hard birthday grief and sad funk time right now…it really sucks though.