And so does dealing with low self-esteem and man I’m having another one of those times where I’m ticked off at my exes and my mom for what they did to help with the damage to my self-esteem and to help my insecurities flourish in the past.
I hate myself for ever letting them get to me and for ever letting myself think crap about myself. I hate dealing with this stuff sometimes, ya know…it can really suck and I work hard on it and I’m doing better with my insecurities and all, but then when I have these moments I wonder if I’ve made as much progress as I thought I did.
Oooo, I hate it, hate it, hate it. Why do I do this to myself? I am so mean to myself when I get down on myself or am feeling insecure, it’s not even funny. I mean, ya know.
I don’t know why I do this – it’s freakin annoying! I’ve been doing great and everything and then here I go thinking why is Cory with me anyway? I mean, ya know, when that nasty little mean voice comes in and starts saying you don’t deserve to be with someone like him and that he should be with someone better than you and that you’re not good enough. That nasty little voice that says why is he with you of all people and you know he’s just settling for you because you’re not worth it.
That nasty little voice that makes it so you have a battle with yourself about whether or not you should stay or leave. Or in other words whether you should sabotage your own relationship with this good guy because he deserves better than you or not.
Ooo, I hate that nasty mean little voice when it shows up in my head and does this to me. Then it just keeps going and asking why is he with you anyway, I mean what’s so great about you, why doesn’t he go be with someone else that’s better than you and that doesn’t have your past, these issues and that doesn’t have all this crap with them like you do.
I mean, that nasty little voice, that makes you wonder why does he want to try to make it work with you. Why should you deserve this…why would he want to try to work through things and help you out with all your crap from your past and the emotional stuff that has to do with having been divorced, abused and placed two daughters for adoption. Why does he want to be with you when you’ve been intimate with other guys and done/gone through all this crap in your past?
See, that nasty little voice makes me label myself as a piece of crap and feel like I’m only worth a penny’s worth that can easily be thrown away or replaced and it wouldn’t matter because there’s lots of pennies. When I shouldn’t label myself like that because I’m worth more than a penny, a lot more than a penny, right.
Ooo, I hate insecurities and low self-esteem crap and dealing with it. See, there’s another one that my nasty little voice brings up, why does he want to be with you when you’re like this and have to deal with insecurities and low self-esteem crap, doesn’t he want someone who doesn’t have this crap…shut up, you nasty little voice.
Shut up, I’m not listening, la, la, la. I mean that’s what I need to do is tell it to shut up and not listen, right, because it’s not helping me or anything here.
If only I could kill that stupid voice for good. If only I knew how to get rid of it permanently so I wouldn’t have to keep going through this every so often.
Well, I’m improving, so I need to improve more and kill that dang voice already. That dang voice can be really debilatating and right now having that dang voice really doesn’t help with my daughter’s second birthday coming up in about a week now either.
I’ll survive and be fine. Somehow, I’ll keep getting better with these stupid insecurities and low self-esteem and I’ll do my best to keep drowning out that nasty little voice until I can kill it one of these days.