Things I’m Thankful for…

Since it’s Thanksgiving in a few days, I thought I’d do a post on what I’m grateful for…although there’s too many to list and some that I don’t know that there’s words or the right words to say what I’m grateful for…I’ll try to write all or mos of things down I can think of that I’m blessed with in my life.

For the Lord and all the many, many countless blessings He has given me and continues to give me each and every day of my life. For His unconditional love and patience and mercy and understanding and forgiveness etc. that he gives me and shows to me each day of my life. For His atonement.

For being able to go to church and for temples and for being able to feel of the Lord’s spirit and His love for me each and every day.

For prayer and being able to communicate with the Lord and be comforted and strengthened by Him.

I’m grateful to be alive and to have good health and strength.

For modern medicine and all the treatments, cures and such that they have for so many things so that we can all be healthy.

For my totally amazing and awesome husband, He’s my perfect match and my best friend and so many awesome things.

For my family – I have good parents and siblings…especially glad I have my amazing Dad.

For my family that I’ve started with my husband now…I love our little baby girl so, so much already and she can be a handful and time consuming etc. at 4 weeks old, but she brings me/us so much joy that my heart is always so full and happy when I look at her and think of how lucky I am to have her and my husband/best friend in my life. I’m so glad I went through all the bad I did to get to the good and these amazing blessings that I have in my life like my husband and our baby girl.

For my other two beautiful and amazing daughters and their families that I placed them with…I love them and their families so much and am so grateful for all their love and support and the awesome friendships/relationships I have with them that are continuing to grow and develop in such positive ways.

For technology and all the awesome, fun things that are out there with gadgets etc. and the others that are being invented and for all the great ways we can use technology for spiritual things, life, fun, games, schooling and so many other things.

For all the fun games and things that we can play and do with all our family and friends.

For all the enrichment and fulfillment that comes from accomplishing goals, setting them, reaching them and being able to change for the better and expand our knowledge from all the multitude of books that there are to read, enjoy and learn from about so many incredible things.

For being able to have so many talents to share and to develop as well as new talents/skills to learn.

For all my strengths and weaknesses that teach me and help me to grow in many, many ways.

For all the trials and tribulations in my life that I’ve had/have/will have and all the things I’ve learned/continue to learn/and will learn from having my faith tried and tested to help me grow and learn to help myself, my family, friends and others.

For my ability to write and write well with practice and help from the Lord when I want/feel the need or desire to write poetry, stories and other things.

For my opportunity to serve a mission for the LDS church and to spread the word of the God to others and for all the countless opportunities I have had and will continue to have for so many incredible and wonderful things to experience and learn and grow from in my life.

For being able to have food, water and shelter and the things that I and our little family are in need of each and every day during this time when it isn’t always easy with finances and our economy.

For all my wonderful family and friends everywhere around the world that have helped me and continue to help me, set such great examples for me and be such incredible and good family and friends to me.

For all the things outside that make our world so beautiful with trees, mountains, grass, lakes, oceans and all the beautiful nature and wildlife/animals around us and pets that we’re able to have in our homes.

For cars to drive and use as transportation. For being able to be in a pretty safe area to live and to be able to have the Lord help watch over us and protect us each day along with being able to lock our doors and do what we can do to keep ourselves safe.

For being able to stay warm with heaters and cool with air conditioners in the winter and the summer.

For the moisture we receive with snow and rain that we need and for the beauty that comes with/whenever it snows and/or rains.

And for so many, many other things…but I’m going to end this for now and if I think of something else I want/need to add to this post during the rest of this week/month…then I’ll come back otherwise hope everyone else has a fantastic week and a delicious Thanksgiving with all their family and/or friends.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Hope it’s all you hope for and that your hearts as well as your stomachs will be full and you will be happy and full of gratitude :).

 

ETA:  I did send a birthday present to my daughter, who turned 7 yrs old yesterday and talked to her mom a few days ago also so I didn’t forget Sweet Pea, her birthday or that she’s already 7 years old now…where does the time keep going…but I was otherwise occupied most of her birthday yesterday taking care of our little miss wiggles who turned 4 weeks old yesterday.  I also decided that if I feel sad or ever feel the need to be sad/upset etc. around Sweet Pea’s (7) birthday or Miss Bookworm’s (8 1/2) birthday…I’ll be sad or what not on the day I placed them not on their birthdays because the day when the sadness/hard feelings came was on the days that I placed my two girls not on the days they were born…but this year I haven’t felt as much sadness about Sweet Pea…I think because of how things are changing with my having and parenting a daughter with my husband now and because of how good my relationship/friendship is and has been with Sweet Pea’s family and all.

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I am Me…

Completely and totally…again…all the way being and feeling myself again…don’t know how to describe it really…it’s more of a feeling and I’ve been so happy since feeling all the way like myself again and where I’m suppose to be in life, doing what I’m doing and back on track from all the hard times, dragging myself somedays and at rock bottom sometimes especially all the crap I went through in the past 11 years.

From coming home on cloud nine after serving an LDS mission to Uruguay and crashing to the bottom with marrying, being abused and then divorcing my first husband, which seems like another lifetime and such a faint memory now, to getting involved with more loser type guys and having and placing my two girls and going up and down on the rollercoaster of life and planning to marry one guy after being together for around a year and a half to ending up with the best guy for me that I’m with now…it’s been an amazing rollercoaster of life these past 11 years and most of them/ a lot of the time I’ve been down and fighting my way back to the top from all my hits and times spent at rock bottom.

I never thought I’d feel this way again…all the way myself again back in tune with the Lord, His Spirit and everything else…but after all the crap and heck of a long rollercoaster ride, I guess is one way to put the past 11 years…I feel like I did 11 years ago before I went through everything I did except that now all those things are incorporated into me and my life and I can and do still feel all the way happy and like myself again.

It’s so awesome and amazing to look at where I was, what I went through and to where I am now and see how the Lord has helped me and been with me through the whole thing.

Anyway, I don’t know how to explain it in words just right more than this right now…other than I’m just so freakin happy about this monumental progress and return to myself/completely being myself right now.

I’m going to see about finding a song or two that helps to describe and express more of what I’m feeling in regards to this post and all.

A few things to say here

Okay so I have a couple or so things floating around in my head along with somewhat strong emotions attached to some of them.

At first it was just one or two things that I thought no big deal…I don’t need to write about them. Then it was a few more things so here I am doing kind of a rambling/list post of sorts I guess you’d call it.

Here goes…first of all…some of you may not like to hear this…but it is what it is…

1. I am LDS as in I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, which I believe and know for myself to be true and I believe and know Christ lives and loves us. I also know that Heavenly Father lives and loves us and that Jesus Christ died on the cross and atoned for our sins. I am not ashamed of God or my belief in God or my religion…if you don’t like it, that’s your choice, but this is a very huge part of who I am, how I live and look at things and also always has been, is and always will be a major part of my life. I want to make sure you know this as to helping you to know me and see where I am coming from and keep your negative LDS/mormon comments to yourself. If you want to write about how all LDS people and our church is all bad etc. then go ahead, but don’t expect me to agree or support that point of view and don’t lump all LDS people into the same category because we are not all the same bad, evil and/or narrow minded people you think we are.

2. Not only am I LDS (Mormon), but I live in Utah and I use to not like it here, but now I do and once again I don’t like being lumped in with how some of you think all the LDS people or all the people in Utah are. Also for the most part, I support the adoption laws here, but I support them coming from my point of view, which is not the same as some of yours. I support them coming from the standpoint that if they hadn’t been there when I placed my two girls…it would have been a lot worse of a situation specifically when I placed my second daughter. With when I placed my first daughter, it wasn’t that much of a big deal to me about the adoption laws etc. because the guy – her bio guy as I refer to him…just walked away and never did anything. But with my second daughter and that second guy, I am glad the adoption law was the way it was or I would have had that much more to go through and deal with in regards to that psycho guy trying to mess things up. And he was a psycho, stalker, emotionally, verbally abusive etc. so it would have been a bad thing for him to have more of a chance to use his rights.

So, my situations and my standpoint/viewpoint are different and that is a lot of why I am glad that the adoption laws here in Utah were/are the way they are because it was a good thing in my situations.

Of course, it’s not always a good thing, but the thing is I didn’t move here from another state when I had and placed my two girls either. I did everything legally from my being here, living here and staying in the same state when I got pregnant, was pregnant and then placed both times. Also both times, I told both guys and they both had the chance to assert their rights etc., but neither of them did…the second guy threatened to do what you need to…told me he would, but he never did.

So, like I said, for me and my girls the adoption laws here in Utah were a good thing.

3. I don’t acknowledge the bio guys on Father’s Day because they aren’t Fathers of any kind to either of my girls and they never were. Maybe they are to other children now and maybe they’ll be different If and When my two girls ever want to know about them years from now, but right now they’re not and never were. They have biological connections to my girls and that’s it…and yes I still have some anger with the guys that I still process through and deal with better some days than others.

4. I also have a little more anger behind the anger I deal with toward the bio guys and all the jerky guys I’ve known right now etc. because Bookworm’s parents just got/are going through their divorce because the adad was a disgusting jerk and major disappointment.

5. The other night I was at my parents house to celebrate my Dad’s birthday and I saw a piece of paper by my Dad’s desk in their office room. On that piece of paper was a list of grandchildren by name and their birthdays…Bookworm (7) and Sweet Pea (5) were on the list and I thought that was way cool so I told my Dad I thought that was cool. My Dad said, of course, I have to keep track of all my grandkids and their bdays and then just observing, I said “hey you don’t have C.S.’s name and bday on there” referring to the son my sister placed for adoption about 25 yrs ago now. My Dad said back to me, “yeah I sometimes wonder and think about him and how he turned out etc.” and to which my mother said, “well, we don’t have any pictures of him or know anything about him so of course we don’t have him on our birthday list etc.”

I just stared dumbfounded at my mother when she said that because I was like seriously you don’t have a picture of one of my nephews or know anything about him so he doesn’t count in the family?? What kind of logic is that anyway!?! And then I thought so if I stop giving you pictures or telling you about my two girls, are they going to get erased from the birthday list now…I mean seriously. Why doesn’t she just say oh that part of you is rejected to my sister about that son because that’s what it would feel like and sometimes does feel like to me that she doesn’t accept my two girls as part of the family or doesn’t accept that part of me…not the way my Dad, my Hubby, his family, some others of my family and everyone else accepts that part of me anyway, but then what do I expect from my mother *rolls eyes*.

6. Father’s Day is My Birthday this year…I’m glad to share it with my Father, who is the most awesome Dad ever…of course I might be a little biased ha ha. But my Dad is one of my Heroes and yes I’m a Daddy’s girl through and through. I’m very close with my Dad and he and I have a great relationship/friendship…and he’s always been there for me and been like a rock for me and we’ve learned and grown a lot together through all the ups and downs in life. I can’t imagine having any better/more awesome of a Dad than I do.

So, with Father’s Day and my Birthday being the same day – it’s a celebration for two pretty cool people if I do say so myself and I do – My Dad and I :D! My Dad and his Dad and my mom’s Dad and all the other awesome Dad’s out there are the ones I recognize and choose to celebrate that day.

7. And Finally my last thing to say here…I think I had a little more to say than I thought lol, but anyway. My last thing here is to say that I’m finally really getting into serious mode about wanting and being ready to really try for having a baby and starting a family. It’s been a process and a journey to this point, which is far from over, but I’m just now feeling ready/starting to feel really ready for taking this jump in life and getting more baby hungry lately lol :p. I’m also getting excited even though it’s also rather scary at the thought of having a baby that I bring home and raise myself, but I’m excited to do it with my Hubby cause I think he’ll be a great Daddy just like my own Daddy one day :D.

Thoughts…

I’ve had all sorts of thoughts going through my head lately, which isn’t unusual, of course lol…but I was playing a game the other day where it came to a point in the game where you had to make a choice…the choice was you could bring back your family who had died or all of the innocent people who had died from what happened in game…so of course this was all a game…but it made me stop and think for a bit.

I wondered about that choice after I finished/stopped playing the game still and equating it to real life…was wondering…what would I do…in real life…if a disaster or something happened and my family died as well as many innocent people?

Would I choose to save/bring back my family or all the innocent people who died from a disaster or something like that or what would I do? And that would be a hard choice to make…because I consider my family to be such a big part of my life and so many people are my family…it would definitely be a hard choice.

If in this hypothetical scenario, I brought my family back…then all the innocent people would be lost…but if I brought back all the innocent people, my family would be lost…that was how they said it would be in the game and I applied it to real life in my thinking and thought that would really be a hard choice to have to make, ya know.

I mean, if it was a real life situation and that choice and conditions to that choice applied, then sacrificing your family to save all the innocents would be the noble thing to do, I think…and it would be the Christ like thing to do…but then you wouldn’t have your family. I know a lot of people would choose their family and that is my first instinct that I would choose my family…but at the same time…I realize I’m still learning about sacrifice and all and a part of me would want to choose to save all the innocent people too…so I know I’m still not as perfect or Christ like as I would like to be just yet.

But it does make you stop and think…and especially cause this line of thinking happened to me when this disaster from the earthquake with Haiti is going on and so I was thinking…if you applied that choice to that situation…

If it had to be one or the other, would you choose to save all of Haiti (the innocent people) or would you choose to save your family with the thought that your family was in that disaster in Haiti. Which would you choose to save or bring back if they had died, if you had that choice, all the innocent people or your family? Not the easiest choice to think about making…and really causes you to stop and think…even if it is hypothetical, doesn’t it. I know it did/does for me.

If I had it my way, I’d try to save my family and all the innocents…but the hypothetical choice had conditions and it had to be one or the other…so my instinct was to choose my family…but it would just be too hard if that was a real choice you had to make with that condition of it being one or the other.

It makes me realize how much I’m glad I don’t have to ever have to have the power to make that kind of decision, ya know.

Anyway, hope that made some kind of sense…my little bit of random thoughts there and I am praying for Haiti and all the people affected by this disaster.

I’m Feeling Frustrated!!!

Man, I do not like trials in life, but then again who does, right. I’m seriously feeling like lately, I’d like to ask if I could just please get to the point where I can “live happily ever after” now or at least start to do that.

I don’t know…I’ve just been soo freakin frustrated and everything lately with the boy, myself, the job hunt…life, ya know. I know I’m going through a trial right now and it isn’t a big trial like others have gone through or what not, but it’s a trial for me nonetheless right now.

I’m having my patience and my faith and things majorly tested and tried lately with things. I just want this trying of my faith, patience etc. to be over now…well until the next one comes, but man I just want a break sometimes, ya know. Well and really no matter what kinds of breaks or vacations I take or go on…I’m not completely going to get the break I need from dealing with some of things in life until I’m dead…when you really think about it, but I can’t die yet.

I still have to get married, have children that I parent and other things so I have to keep dealing with these tests and these trials in life that come. I’m just having one of those times in life, you know the ones.

I just want to see the end of this section of my life and know the outcome already of this test and not have to go through it. Yes, I know…if I didn’t go through it, I wouldn’t grow and learn and become who I’m suppose to be and so forth, but sometimes I’d just like to not deal with it all and be able to escape somewhere, if ya know what I mean.

Anyway, I’m still doing my best to hang in there and not completely go nuts and lose my mind, but there are days when I wonder. I’m hoping to start one of these jobs this week that I’m suppose to interview with hopefully tomorrow or Wednesday and then figure out an apartment to move to in a little bit after I start a job.

I’ve also gotten in touch with my former counselor again…just Monday, as a matter of fact, and told him a little bit of how I’m having a hard time with some things and think some old issues may be resurfacing. I also told him how I’m in a relationship with this guy and there’s some things that I think may need to be talked about in regards to my relationship and may need some work on like communication skills and such. So, yeah…it looks like I’ll be re-entering counseling again.

Anyway, that’s a little bit of what’s going on with me over here with my little test/trial I’m experiencing at present.

Some News

Well, it’s nothing huge, but my boyfriend and I have pretty much decided that we’re going to leave the University we’ve been attending and transfer back to the other college we were at before, which is a state college that will be most likely changing to a University within the next year or so.

Actually, I already withdrew just before the spring break from the University for a variety of reasons.  That decision was coming for a while now…I wasn’t liking the University much at all here and then I had that experience with that stupid teacher and all.  Then there’s the fact that this University wants us to take more stupid general ed type classes when we already did general ed and had our Associates degrees when we transferred here, but for whatever reason the stupid University was trying to make it so we’d end up adding a year to our school time to get our Bachelors degrees and neither of us like that fact very much plus some other things.

We both like the location, the small town and the people and our church and all up here, but the University, the class size, the teachers, etc., neither of us really are impressed with and liked those things better at our previous college so we’ve pretty much decided to transfer back there this coming fall.  I’ve already been readmitted to the previous college and he’s going to be readmitted and then we’re going to start looking at and signing up for fall classes as soon as we can.  With going back down to our home area and this previous college, we’ll be able to get done sooner with our degrees if we want and have better experience with the classes and teachers and all at that college compared to this University.  Also there is more jobs available down there, I think, then there is up here in this small town with this University so that’s what we’re planning to do for the fall now.

I’ll be looking to try and find a place for us to live that I’ll live in by myself for fall semester so then he can just move in with me after we’re married in December.  I’m also going to be looking for a job/summer job up here now that I’m no longer in school at present, but still trying to stick it out in this apartment until my lease is up in August.  I was planning to look for and get a job/summer job anyway, but I’m just going for it sooner now and not going to be wanting a job for longer than August since I’ll be moving back down home to find a place and go back to the other college for fall semester.

There is always the chance that something might change, but this is what our plans are looking like now and if I don’t find a good job/summer job up here that ends in August then I may have to see about breaking my lease and moving back down to home area sooner to find a job down there instead for the summer.  I’ll have to see how it goes in the next little while here.

I have to pay back some financial aid this week and take care of a few things with selling books back etc. now that the process is finished of my being withdrawn from the University.  Then I have to start looking for a job more, start figuring things out for fall here and there and I’m still in the process of trying to sell my wedding dress on e-bay and figure out ideas and things for the wedding in December.  I know I still have time to take care of some of these things, but these are just things that are coming up, being talked about and we’re starting to discuss and plan more lately.

We have also pretty much decided that we’re planning to get married in the LDS Manti Temple, which you may or may not remember my posting as one of the three choices we were talking about at one point.  We’re also sticking to sometime in December for the Wedding and still figuring out other things and still have plenty of time to plan all that.

He’s still going off to do his summer job in California selling alarm systems to people for about 3 1/2 months and he’ll be leaving the first of May so we’ll be apart working for this summer.  I’m planning to go visit him in California for, hopefully, a week, probably in July sometime to go see him, see Harry Potter 5 with him, see some of Cali and have a break =).  So, things are starting to change and get planned and talked about as time goes on here so things are moving along =).

A Family Can Be Torn Overnight

It’s a scary thought to realize how fast a family, any family, your family can be torn apart, isn’t it.

In what seems a blink of an eye, a family can be pulled in all different directions and threaten to completely fall apart.  What once was a safe, strong foundation with a family can turn into feeling like a family’s only holding on by a thread.

I heard some news through one of my dear friends about someone else’s family recently that was devastating.  It was heart breaking and hard for me to hear as a friend of someone close to this family so I can only imagine how heart breaking it is for my dear friend and for this family who are so much closer and affected by these news than I am.

It just saddens me and makes me wish so much that I could do more than I actually humanly can to help out.  I wish so much I could take the pain and heartache away from those who are affected by situations like these where families are threatened to be torn apart seemingly overnight.

My heart aches and hurts for them.  I can’t explain how much and how deeply I feel it when others tell me these things even when I’m not that close to the actual heart breaking situation.

If only being there and letting others cry on your shoulder was enough and perhaps sometimes it is although it doesn’t always seem like enough when I’d like so much to be able to ease their pain and take it away, but I can’t so I pray for them and do what I can.

Oh, the tears that are watering pillows tonight and nursing broken, wounded hearts and souls and I can only imagine the heart wrenching cries that are being made throughout all the grief.

All of these heart wrenching cries over one heartbreaking situation, how much more is it and how much more saddening to think of all the heart wrenching cries all over the world from so many.

There are many in their darkest hour and I feel so selfish to have ever thought I had that much hard times.  I have had hard times, yes, but not like so many others and my pain and heartache that I cope with, I feel, pales in comparison to these others in their darkest hour with their pain now.

Reminded of Why…

I was reading through some other blogs today that I hadn’t read in a while and was reminded of the horrible pain and anguish that is still out there.  I know it’s out there and I’ve experienced it too and I have my good and bad days too, but sometimes I forget for a while about that pain that’s still out there and that I once lived and breathed, it seemed for almost every day.

I always feel so bad for others when I read of their pain and feel it wash over me while I’m reading what they say.  I always feel so helpless when I feel the intensity of others pain wash over me so intensely because I wish I could offer them more help than I can as another human being.  I wish I could help them through the desert of pain and grief and to know that there is something good at the end of all the crap even though on somedays it doesn’t seem like it will ever end and I know that even my simple words of offering hope aren’t good enough and they aren’t what they want to hear when they’re in the depths of despair with pain overwhelming them because I remember being there and what it was like.

I had my dark days and sometimes I still do, but I don’t know if my dark days compare to some others, but I’ve tasted the bitterness of despair and depression and overwhelming pain that causes my heart to physically ache and somehow made it through to the good point in my life where I am now.  I know that part of why I made it to where I am now and how I make it every day is because of the Lord and His help in my life because He is the one who is always there for me and I know that not everyone believes in God or what not and I don’t want to offend…I’m simply sharing that my belief in the Lord and my religious beliefs along with my family and support systems are what help me make it through the dark days.

It’s just that when I am reminded of those dark days and feel that pain wash over me reading of someone else’s dark days, I remember why I’m doing what I’m doing and why I want to be a counselor, which sometimes I seem to lose sight of some of why I want to go into counseling so much.  I know why I want to be a counselor and help others so much though…I may partially lose the whole picture of why I’m going for the goal of becoming a counselor on some days, but I want to help others so much and want to offer them any part of peace, help and comfort that I can that it’s hard to wait and go through this long process of school and getting my degree that says I am qualified to help and counsel others.

I want so much to share and offer some part of the peace and comfort that I’ve found if I can and I sometimes simply want to hug everyone and let them cry until they can’t cry anymore and just tell them that it’ll be alright one day.  I just want to let them know that someone cares…even when it seems like no one cares…someone does…I care…even if I don’t know them that well…I care…simply because they’re human and they’re special in their own way and they deserve love, empathy and healing and happiness just like everyone does.

This strong desire I have to help others has sometimes been my downfall as well though, but I sometimes wish I could take others pain away and go through the hard times for them, but I know I can’t.  I know that everyone has to go through their own hard times and experience their own dark days so I just want to be there for them cheering them on.  I want to be one of the ones that is there for them when they’ve made it through their hard times they had to experience on their own and I want to be someone who is next to them when they need someone as much as I can be.  I know things will be a little different once I’m a licensed professional therapist, but I’m becoming a therapist mainly to be another human being that is there, that cares, that listens, loves and offers help, sympathy, hope and whatever help I can to another human being who is struggling through life and their dark days and needs an extra someone to be there for them.

Everyone deserves to have someone there for them, to have someone listen, love and help them and I hope that in some way I can help these others out there in the world whoever they may be that need that extra someone there for them sometimes in their lives.

Dulce de Leche

I'm excited and nervous to see how this dessert/candy turned out.  When I was on my mission in Uruguay, I ate a tone of this yummy, yummy stuff called Dulce de Leche.

It's just sweetened condensed milk cooked, at least that's what the recipe said that was online.  I just made the dulce de leche from the online recipe, but I haven't tried it yet cause I'm letting it cool.

I'm nervous that it didn't turn out right or that it's a version of dulce de leche that I won't like :p.  I hope it turned out good.  If it did I'm going to make a dulce de leche cake or something like that from some other recipes I'm going to look up online too.

Dulce de leche is heaven – the best candy I ever tasted, but I didn't think I'd ever eat it again after I came home from serving my mission in Uruguay so this is exciting :).  Of course, dulce de leche is also way fattening so I can't eat it much or I'll gain weight again – ack :p.

Okay, so I guess I'm going to go see how this dulce de leche recipe turned out now.  Hopefully it's good – I'll let ya know :).