Disturbed & Uneasy…

…is how I’m feeling ever since I had a kind of disturbing dream last night that woke me up…it featured my recent last boyfriend (aka the boy) in it and at first it seemed like some meaningless and harmless dream for bothering me but then it got all weird by the end of the dream when I woke up feeling uneasy and kinda freaked out.

I don’t remember everything about the dream…I just have had this lingering uneasy feeling about it and about him all day and I feel like I want to run away and hide because I’m so uneasy and I’m not sure exactly why.

I have some ideas why…but at the same time…it was only a dream so I don’t know…it just freaked me out.  If you don’t know the story about the boy and his friend yet…let me give a quick version here…his friend that I was trying to stay friends with after I broke up with the boy went weird on me with saying and asking me all sorts of things that aren’t his business through my facebook messages so it kinda got ugly the other night and I stopped responding to him and blocked him.  He started cussing and being more of a jerk toward me in his last message and the whole thing was just a mess so I left it alone, but I have suspicions that the boy was in on some of what this so called friend was saying to me in the messages although I don’t know for sure…I wouldn’t be surprised and that kind of upset me more than this friend because I thought the boy meant it when he said in the past that he cared about me and always would and then did this…but what do I expect, right…anyway.

So, part of the messages was that supposedly the boy found out I’m engaged and wanted/wants to meet with my guy and me to discuss things with us and both my guy and I and my family were all like why?  why would he or does he think he needs to meet and discuss this with us…my thoughts were I was with him for 1 1/2 years….like about 18 months and what could there possibly be left to say between him and me right now especially in regards to my getting married.  Oh and his friend also said they wonder if I’m doing this out of spite and I’m like uh hello…this isn’t about the boy/ex…this is about me and my guy and what we feel is right not about the boy.

Something that this so called friend said that is really what upset me and kind of hurt especially coming from someone I thought cared and was my friend, which apparently they’re not and maybe never were was that he said to me when I told him to basically mind his own business because I felt like he was trying to pry, being judgmental and so forth toward me that because I wanted him to back off with some of the things he was saying that meant he’s right and I’m wrong and when my guy and I get divorced, I’ll realize that they were my only true friends and the only ones who really cared about me.

Um, excuse me, but what kind of “friend” says that to someone and what kind of caring about me is that huh?  Oh and they’re such true friends…if that’s what “true friends” say and do, I don’t need or want them.  Okay so I’m a little angry right now…but you probably would be too if you were in my position.

Oh and if they’re my only “true friends” and the only ones who really care about me, then what is my family and his family or my other friends…they’re not true, they don’t care about me…um yeah right.  My family are the truest friends I have and they are the ones who care about me more than anyone except God and guess what, my family and my guy’s family and my other friends all are happy for me, they all feel good about me and my guy and us getting married…my family loves him and his family loves me and we fit together and we fit in/with each other’s families too.

So, ya know what, the “friend” and the boy are kind of outnumbered here because they are the only ones who think we need to talk, who think I might be making a rash decision, who think I’m going to end up divorced, who think I need to get their permission or something so yeah I don’t think so.

I’m half expecting the “friend” or the boy to try to contact me in some other way, but one can always hope and I was feeling disturbed and uneasy about it, but ya know what…now that I wrote this…I’m not…ya know what…now I feel like going “bring it on” because if they think they’re going to ruin anything for me, they’ve got another thing coming.

If ya wanna know how I feel go to my myspace page and listen to the first song on my play list…if you can’t get access to my myspace, the song’s called, “Give a Damn” by Jo Dee Messina” and here’s the lyrics.  I was introduced to this song by my guy and one of my best friends who had it on her myspace page the other day =).  If you haven’t heard the song, you should look it up and listen to it.  Anyway here’s the lyrics to it:

Artist/Band: Messina Jo Dee
Lyrics for Song: My Give A Damn Busted
Lyrics for Album: Other Songs

Well, you filled up my head with so many lies.
You twisted my heart till somethin’ snapped inside.
I’d like to give it one more try,
But my give-a-damn’s busted.

You can crawl back home, say you were wrong;
Stand out in the yard and cry all night long.
Well, go ahead and water the lawn:
My give-a-damn’s busted.

I really wanna care.
I wanna feel somethin’.
Let me dig a little deeper:.
No, sorry: nothin’.

You can say you’ve got issues, you can say you’re a victim.
It’s all your parents fault, after all you didn’t pick ’em.
Maybe somebody else has got time to listen:
My give-a-damn’s busted.

Well, your therapist says it was all a mistake:
A product of the Prozac an’ your co-dependent ways.
So who’s your neighbor these days?
My give-a-damn’s busted.

I really wanna care.
I wanna feel somethin’.
Let me dig a little deeper:.
No, still nothin’.

It’s a desperate situation, no tellin’ what you’ll do.
If I don’t forgive you, you say your life is through.
C’mon, gimme somethin’ I can use:
My give-a-damn’s busted.

Well, I really wanna care.
I wanna feel somethin’.
Let me dig a little deeper:
No, I’m sorry.
Just nothin’, you know.
You’ve really done it this time, ha, ha.
My give-a-damn’s busted.

So, there ya have it.  I gotta run and get some things done.

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