Bitten by Old Fears Resurfacing…

And insecurities and so forth. As some of you know I’ve been up and down having a hard time with things and working through things with my boy lately as well as dealing with a sudden blast from the past – see psycho ex suddenly and totally out of the blue attempting to contact me.

Well because of the psycho ex suddenly resurfacing and my living back at home around my mother – see toxic influence and some things that happened in the past with my boy that we’re working through and so forth…I’m having old fears resurfacing and some of my old messed up thinking showing up again in regards to trust, self-worth, self-confidence and those kinds of things.

I attempted to get back in contact with one of my former counselors this past week even before the psycho ex resurfaced briefly, but my counselor is out of town. Imagine him needing to go on a vacation now of all times…at any rate, I’m suppose to stop by sometime this next week to get in touch with him when he should be back from his vacation. I’m not sure how excited I am about talking to my counselor again, but I know I need to…I need some help again with straightening my thinking out again and what not so it doesn’t affect my relationship with my boy negatively more than it may already have affected it.

I had a bad dream yesterday and it affected me and my mood negatively and I got upset at the boy for no valid reason but rather because of the dream and how he’d been in my dream and well because it was tied to one of my fears/insecurities of losing him to that girl he’s friends with that I mentioned one other time in the past here.

Anyway, in the dream, I dreamed that, basically, he chose her over me and then I talked to him about it last night and he said he hasn’t hung out with her since we had a discussion about it and I told him I didn’t feel okay with it. He talked to this girl once just after we got back from Lake Powell a week ago because she text him about going on a hike sometime together and told her some of what was going on, which kind of bothered me having him tell her some of our problems, but it’s in the past now and she told him she was sorry for any trouble she’d caused and said she didn’t want to be the reason our relationship had problems so in that conversation it was decided they would stay friends and talk sometimes, but wouldn’t hang out because she didn’t want to cause problems and he told me I was more important so he didn’t want to do anything that would hurt me, make me uncomfortable or what not.

So, anyway last night we had a full out talk about that situation and he reassured me about that this girl that is his friend isn’t a threat and doesn’t like him and he doesn’t like her and he wants to be with me. I felt like an idiot, but some of this has to do with the old fears and issues I’ve had resurfacing, which is why I want to go talk to my counselor. Then we were talking and discussing some other things about trust and what not and it came out that he’s noticed me having a hard time with trusting myself and having confidence like I’ve noticed lately too and he asked me why I’m having a hard time with that and I tried to explain it with some of the stuff from my past, but the thing is I’m not even sure why I’m having a hard time with some of these things again. I have some ideas, but I’m not sure if that’s what they are or if there’s more to them resurfacing again that I haven’t acknowledged to myself yet, if ya know what I mean.

Anyway, I was trying to talk with the boy about these things and what not and somehow it came up we were discussing that some of my fears etc. have to do with the part of my past of having a failed marriage etc., which it does…that I’m scared of making a mistake and having another failed marriage and so forth. So, we were talking about that and all and mentioned something about fairy tales and how we haven’t had fairy tale lives…neither of us have and I don’t remember exactly what he said or how he said it, but he asked me why he couldn’t be my fairy tale and I said I don’t know why you couldn’t be my fairy tale, you could, you can and he said well then why don’t you let go of some of these things and let me be your fairy tale and I was like I don’t know what I’m suppose to let go of or what’s going on right now that’s why.

But it cut me like a knife to see the look on his face and hear the tone of his voice when he asked me why he couldn’t be my fairy tale. I don’t want to hurt him, but I know I probably do unintentionally with all my emotional baggage, walls and so forth that I keep up and have been taking me forever to take down or let go of so that I can let him in. Well and I’m scared of letting him in completely because of some things that happened between us at the beginning of the year/last year that we’re still working through the effects of having had them happen. I’m trying to figure out how to finish working through them and letting them go, but I’m having a hard time, I think with some of it and need some extra outside help from my counselor.

Well and then he was asking me last night what was wrong and telling me that he knows something is wrong and that I’m scared of something, but he doesn’t know what it is that I’m scared of. I’m not even completely sure what it is that I am afraid of right now…I think I’m afraid of more than one thing though and those fears, well, most, if not all of them are in connection to my past. I mean I’m afraid of making a mistake where I end up in a failed marriage again…I’m afraid I’m not capable of making the right choice. I’m afraid of giving all as in 100% trust to things and finding out I placed my trust in the wrong place. I’m afraid of being intimate with someone again…I think even a part of me is afraid of having children again…even though that’s what I want more than anything because of the emotions that will probably come up when I have children of my own and raise them. I’m also afraid of getting married and the off chance that I’ll have fertility problems or something like that.

With the fear of being intimate with someone again when I was thinking about all this last night and trying to sort through it all and talk with the boy to help him understand some of where I’m coming from and so forth, I had the memories and thoughts come to mind of how I was pressured and forced into sex so many times and felt or was raped by my ex-husband at least once that comes to mind vividly when the thought comes to mind as well as by the psycho ex that tried to suddenly contact me the other day. I experienced dissociation and PTSD in the past and suppose I still do sometimes and I don’t know I was wondering if I’m going to have to tell the boy about some of this because I haven’t told him about my fear of intimacy because of these reasons with having been pressured/coerced into sex or being raped/feeling like I was raped by two of the guys in my past. I just haven’t thought I needed to tell him or felt the need to tell him yet, but maybe I will have to tell him some of this…I don’t know, I guess we’ll see.

Well and then with my past experiences, I’ve always tried hard, tried to make the guys happy and work through things and what not, but no matter how hard I tried, how much I did or how much I loved the guys in my past…they always left me so I have this other stupid fear that no matter how hard I try or what I do or how much I love that Cory will leave me too because it’s too hard to be with someone like me with all my emotional baggage and such. I know most of these fears and such make no sense and are irrational, but they’re there for me to deal with nonetheless. Then there’s my irrational thinking that I sometimes think it’s not fair to Cory to be with someone like me and that he deserves to be with someone other than me that doesn’t have my past or my emotional baggage.

I know it’s totally irrational thinking and I shouldn’t think it…I really don’t have much if any foundation to give valid reason to think irrationally like this, but I am, for some reason thinking that way and need to figure out why and straighten out my thinking again. I mean Cory’s still with me and trying to work through things with me and help me figure things out and he told me last night how much he loves me and always will love me no matter what and that he’s there for me so he is the guy that I want and that I love so what is my problem anyway…

This is why, among other reasons, I need to go talk to my counselor and get some help figuring things out…hopefully he’ll be back from his vacation when I go in to talk to him again this week.

Edited to add a little update here:  I was talking with the boy again tonight about this, that and the other and he mentioned something to the effect so that I know I did mention or tell him in the past about the rape/being pressured and coerced into sex issues.  I had forgotten that I told or mentioned it to him because it was so long ago that I mentioned it to him, but today was a better day and I’m feeling better and more positive about things again.  I’ve pinpointed more about where the trust and confidence issues are from somewhat and know that it just needs some time for me to get those feelings back again and going to counseling and some other things I’m going to do in the next couple weeks will help me progress and get back there where I need and want to be quicker so just have to keep holding on a little longer here :).