Another Trigger…

This really just kind of hit me from out of the blue, but than these kinds of things usually do. I was over at the boy’s house and we were flipping channels to see if there was anything on television movie wise or what not that we wanted to watch and I was saying we should watch the movie, Van Helsing because it has Hugh Jackman in it, but he said no to that one.

Anyway so we’re looking at the TV guide on the screen and I see the movie, Raising Helen, listed and say to the boy Hey that movie’s a good one if you want to check it out so he does and we end up watching it. Now this movie is a comedy/romantic comedy type movie and the last time I remember watching it, which was quite some time ago I really liked it, but this time there were some things said that hit me hard and in a different way.

If you can’t guess, these things that hit me hard from this movie had to do with adoption triggers. See, this movie is about this career woman and her sister dies and leaves her 3 children in her care and anyway the sister who dies writes and leaves a letter for each of her sisters explaining her choices and what she wants to have happen in regards to her children. She writes a letter to her sister that she picks to be the guardian about why she wants her to be the guardian and then one to the other sister about why she picked the other sister and not her to be the guardian. If you don’t get what I’m trying to say here, then watch the movie unless you don’t want to risk experiencing triggers…which could be possible.

Okay so getting to the point here, there is this part in this movie, Raising Helen, where the one sister, Jenny, lets the sister who was chosen as the guardian, Helen, read the letter that the dead sister wrote to Jenny explaining why she picked Helen to be the guardian and raise her children if she died and what the letter said is what hit me hard.

In the letter in this movie, it said, “You never think you’ll have to choose another person to raise your children and when you do have to make a choice in case, you choose a person to raise your children that is most like you. You choose someone who will be able to give your children a taste…a part of who their mother is so that even though your children miss out on having their mother raise them they get to have someone most like their mother to raise them and help them to remember their mother too.” Now I’m not sure if that was the exact wording, but that was the basic idea of the letter that was mentioned in this movie and how the heck am I suppose to sit there and not have that hit me like a ton of bricks??

I mean there was so much in that part of the letter I mentioned above that is exactly how I feel and how it was for me. I never thought I’d have to choose or have another person raise my children, but I do…I have two other mothers raising my girls and not me and I did my best with the information that I had to pick two other women who were most like me so that both my girls would be able to have a taste or a part of me in the mothers that are raising them. I did my best to choose two other women who were most like me to raise my girls and who would help my girls to know me too and both of my girls moms are a lot like me and do help my girls to know me or to have that opportunity to know and remember me as they so choose as they get older.

I don’t know I just have so many thoughts and things going in my head after watching that movie and having that hit me like a ton of bricks. It’s hard to describe how and what hit me exactly or if any of this is even making sense here, but it’s like I just realized another aspect of the loss involved in adoption here. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel I did the best thing in my situations and don’t regret my decision to have placed but all the loss involved…secondary and otherwise just hits me sometimes when things are said in movies like this, for example.

I just realized on another level the loss my girls may go through…secondary or otherwise because they did lose and miss out on having me as their mom…setting aside the right and wrong etc. of everything here…that is the reality for them and for me…I miss out on raising them and watching them grow up and being their mom, but not only that…they miss out on some level or what not on not having me as their mom. I don’t know…I just never had the thought strike me this way before…guess it’s the timing and the movie, but there you have it.

I don’t regret my decisions to have placed either one of my girls and I know I did what was best and right in both my situations, but I do regret having been put in that situation where I had to make the choice and I do regret having been involved with those guys…I don’t regret my decisions or my girls, but I do regret the situation and the guys, if that makes any sense. I wish sometimes that I could have been in a better situation with better guys where I could have been better prepared so I could have perhaps parented my girls, but I know it wasn’t meant to be in my situations as they happened.

I am at peace with my decisions and everything, but I still have those moments sometimes, ya know and things that hit me hard like what was said in this movie tonight.

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One comment on “Another Trigger…

  1. Hi,

    I just stumbled upon your website through the Adult Adoptees Advocating for Change Forum. I read a little bit of your blog. I would read more, but I don’t have too much time to spare right now. I will read more later. That is a promise. 🙂 I am very much interested in your story. I was coerced in to surrendering my baby to adoption on January 3, 2007. I have fought the adopted couple ever since in court. I just lost recently at the Supreme Court level. The adoption was just finalized not too long ago. I would love to talk with you. Please feel free to e-mail me back. Looking forward to hearing from you.

    Sincerely,
    Lara

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