Mellowed Out

Okay so now that I have had a night and a day to process and talk through things and think through things, I think I may have made a bigger deal out of things in my last post than there really was to make a big deal about.

Some of it may have some true concern on some level that may have to be addressed in the future, but I think because of all my emotions running high lately and this past crazy and emotional weekend with saying goodbye a few times before he actually did fly out and such made things a little crazy so I may have made a bigger deal out of things than I should have or then there was because of all my emotions being haywire with things from this weekend and him leaving and all.

I am well aware of my personal issues with insecurities and low self-esteem that I am constantly dealing with and have been dealing with almost all my life it seems just like a lot of other people in this world. I also can see how some of what I thought and wrote in my last post could have been somewhat irrational, but there was some truth in there too.

After having talked and thought about this more, I am trying to give this girl the benefit of the doubt and not let my jealously or insecurity get the better of me here. I also do trust Cory, but I don’t know this girl that well and because of different things some of which have to do with my past, I don’t know about her all the time.

But after really thinking and talking about it, I do know that I shouldn’t worry too much or overreact to some of that because he’s with me and he’s never wanted or thought of leaving me for anyone else. He’s not the kind of guy who cheats or does anything like that either.

He’s been with me for quite a while now like around 8 months, I think and we’ve been helping each other to work through problems and improve ourselves and he helps me remember to be positive and things that my counselors told me when I was in counseling in the recent past. He knows about my past and still accepts and loves me for me the way I am and he thinks I’m most definitely worth marrying.

I’m the one he’s with all the time except now because he’s in California doing a summer job to help us get started out with as a more financially stable couple for when we get married. He spoils me and likes to provide, give me everything he can and help me and be there for me as I try to do my best to do the same for him also.

I’m the one who he says “I love you” to every single day sometimes multiple times a day and that he wants to be with and I really have no reason at all to feel insecure about another girl. It may be uncomfortable and it may not completely be okay, but at the end of it all, he wants to be with me and not someone else and he loves and trusts me and plans to marry and be with me for a long, long time as well as have a family with me and so forth so I really think I blew some of the stuff way out of proportion in my previous post because of the emotional rollercoaster from this past weekend.

It’s like he told me before he left that I need to not worry about him or anything, that I just need to know that he really does loves me and it’ll all work out alright in the end with us. He never hides anything from me either so there’s no reason for me to be suspicious or worry about anything other than because of my stupid insecurities as usual.

Anyway, I’m his baby girl just like he says to me =). We just got off the phone, the first of many phone calls while he’s away in Cali doing this summer job, and talked a little and all and I got a little down and depressed realizing he’s so far away in Cali and I’m here and that we’re going to be apart for 3 months. I tried to stay upbeat and like my usual self so he doesn’t have to worry about me being down though, but I think he could tell a little bit and I could tell he was tired and kinda down and bummed himself too.

I’m not good at long distance relationships, which is why ours isn’t and he’s only over there in Cali, a day’s drive, a couple hour flight away and he’s only going to be away for 3 months or you can say 14 weeks or you can say 98 days, whichever floats your boat lol. So, one phone conversation down, possibly 97 more to go, if we talk each day, but we might not depending on our moods each day and how our days go etc., we’ll see how it goes. We just don’t want to get ornery or snippy with each other over the phone and end up getting mad or something while we’re apart for the summer because it’s not as easy to talk or work through some things when you’re apart and to deal with wondering if the other person’s really upset at you or just had a bad day with work or something if you start biting each other’s heads off, ya know.

Anyway, we’ll see how it goes with when and how often we talk on the phone and hopefully he’ll get the hang of things and prove people wrong and sell, sell, sell and earn lots of money this summer to help us get started out with our marriage and all later on this year. I’m just going to focus on getting a job, earn some money, keep myself busy, not worry about him or anything and do what I need to do for myself while he does this summer job so I’m more ready to get married when he comes back from the summer job.

Well that’s my little update with the emotional rollercoaster of life and the beginning of dealing with the 3 month separation from my baby. Man, I miss him so much already…hopefully once I have a job and things that keep me busier and what not I won’t have as hard a time with missing him as I am so far with not as much to do and more time to dwell on he’s not here and I’m by myself so gotta get busy with jobs and things to help try to get the summer to go by faster.

I hope everyone else is doing well. I’m hanging in there…I hope he knows how much I love and miss him, I really do.

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