Yep, the process and work on forgiving myself and forgiveness in general is still going on with me at present. It’s hard work like grief work going through these things to help myself to heal and forgive.
Anyway, the thought that I wanted to write here that is tied in with forgiveness and forgiving myself right now was inspired by watching the movie, “Pay It Forward” the other night with my boyfriend. If you haven’t seen “Pay It Forward”, I would recommend it. It’s a really good movie with a really good message or I should say a few really good messages in it.
This was my second time watching the movie, but there was a part in it that struck me different this time…I suppose because of where I am and what I’m working on personally with forgiveness and healing. Anyway, there’s a part in this movie where a daughter goes to her mother and for one of her good deeds with the Pay It Forward idea she talks to her mother, who’s a homeless bum, and tells her mother she forgives her for what her mother put her through when she was growing up and watching that exchange of forgiveness between this daughter and her mother, it woke something in me.
Watching this daughter forgive her mother and seeing the mother crying her healing tears and both of them healing and having weights lifted off their shoulders, I felt something wake in me – a desire of my own that’s been there, but is now stronger than before that I want that. I want that forgiveness I saw shown there in that part of this movie. I want to be able to cry those healing tears and feel that healing and have this weight lifted off my shoulder even more than I wanted it before now.
What makes it a little different than the movie is that I don’t want to be forgiven by someone or to forgive another person, I want to be able to look myself in the eye and tell myself, “I forgive you” and feel that healing and the weight lifted because I looked myself in the eye and said “I forgive you” and really meant it and let it go. That’s what I want and what I’m trying to figure out and get to even more now than I was trying to do before now. I haven’t quite got there yet, but I want it so bad now and I will get it…I deserve to give that to myself…I have earned the chance to forgive myself, I need to and I will one day…hopefully sooner rather than later…it’s a work in progress…but I’m hoping I’ll be able to look myself in the eye and say “I forgive you” to myself relatively soon.
After all that I’ve been through and then added on by putting myself through, I deserve a break and a clean slate and that’s what I’m working toward with forgiving myself and allowing myself to heal.