I’ve had some posts in my mind for a while, but haven’t known how to write them or form them on the page the way I wanted them too, but they aren’t leaving me in peace so they seem to need to be written down however they come out. Or maybe it’s me that needs to write them down and get them out of me so they won’t keep sitting in my mind like they’ve been doing as of late.
It’s just okay so I went to see the movie, “Pursuit of Happyness” with Will Smith and it’s a way good, awesome movie, which I highly recommend to everyone to see! It reminded me of how lucky I am and have been in life in a lot of things that others probably haven’t been so lucky in.
Anyway, Cory and I went to see the movie this past week and there was a part in the movie that got to me. It’s where the Mother leaves and so it’s the Dad with his son and the son says to his Dad one night, “Dad, did Mom leave because of me?” (I felt a pain in my heart at that question because no child should ever have to feel, think or ask that no matter what the circumstances are in life and because I felt for that mother and at the same time couldn’t see how she could walk away). So, a thought came to me that what if A or K ever feel like or think to themselves “Did I do something wrong that she placed me for adoption something to the effect of Did Mom(me) leave because of me?” I’ve heard other adoptees say that sometimes so sometimes I worry about that in the back of my mind.
For the most part, I’ve never really had that thought, but for some reason it got me with the part in that movie this past week and I think that for the most part with the way my relationships are with each of my girls families and all and the way I know they’re teaching and raising both my girls, that they’ll probably be fine and never have that thought, but that thought passed through my mind nonetheless when I watched that movie this past week.
Then last night, Cory and I decided we wanted to do something different than our usual hanging out etc. so we decided after we went out for Chinese to go to a fun park/arcade place. At the fun park, we had a blast and it was really fun and great for a change of pace for us and we went roller skating and played arcade games for a long time last night and just had fun together so it was good.
When we were roller skating though, I had one of those moments where something strikes you and can remind you about what you’re missing with the children you’ve placed for adoption. I was skating along and doing pretty good, which was amazing considering how long it had been since either one of us had gone roller skating lol. Although we both did fall down a couple times, I thought we did pretty good overall – (of course, today – the day after the fact – my body hurts some lol).
Anyway, back to the point here, so I was skating along and I noticed this Dad with his little girl skating and dancing with her just having a great old time and at first I thought look how cute and adorable that little girl is and look how cute that is this adorable little girl skating and dancing with her Dad. Then it hit me differently and I thought A and K, my two girls, are doing that and I don’t get to see it – they’re doing it with their parents, but not with me and I ached to be able to dance and skate with A and K or see A and K dance and skate while watching this Dad and his little girl skate and dance together. I still hope that maybe one day I will be able to see A and K dance and skate or dance and skate with them because hopefully things could still be more open and because maybe when they’re older and want to meet and have more of a relationship with me themselves I’ll be able to do some of those things with them.
I don’t know why it hit me that way last night while I was skating or why it hit me that way while I was watching that movie, but I guess it’s all a part of the process and I still know that I did what was best in my situations with placing them – it just hurts sometimes and catches me off guard sometimes as well. I always do pray each night though that I hope that one day when A and K are older they will be able to understand why I did what I did for them with placing them and forgive me if that needs to happen and find a place in their heart for me too.